03x03 - Ballin

[bunniefuu]

Everyone please stay close.

Keep your pocketbooks tight
and your heads on a swivel.

We're in Brownsville now.

Home of M.O.P., Mike
Tyson, and Riddick Bowe...

two heavyweight champions of the world.

But the real legend was
90-year-old Mama Jarvis.

We called her "227" because
she knew everybody's business.

She lived here on the ground floor,

and she raised half the
kids in this project.

- Deric, get outta that tree, boy.
- _

- Okay.
- Erica, I see you.

Come out of that bush.

Sean, get away from Erica's bush.

Y'all behave yourself, you hear me?

She always made sure

our bellies were full.

Who wants cookies?

Thanks, Mama Jarvis.

- Man, just get away!
- My favorite.

Slow down, Craig.

You know obesity runs
in your family, right?

And because of her love,
Mama Jarvis was untouchable.

She could walk through the
hood anytime, day or night.

Mama Jarvis! Whoa. Chill
out, chill out! Chill out!

Oh, sh*t! Hold on, hold on.
Stop firing, stop firing!

- Hey, how you doing, Mama Jarvis?
- Everything good?

- Oh, hey, sweet babies.
- Hey. Hey, how you doing?

- I'm doing fine.
- Oh, that's good, that's good.

- That's good, that's good.
- Now, y'all staying out of trouble?

- Yes, ma'am.
- You being good?

- Of course, Mama.
- Yes, yes, ma'am.

I wanna see y'all in church on Sunday.

- Okay, Mama, okay. Yes, of course.
- And I mean not just

for your homies' funerals, either.

- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.

- You have a good one.
- Take care.

What the... What...

Oh, and if Mister Earl
comes looking for me,

send him through.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.

Mama Jarvis was never
short on love or wisdom.

Christopher, I want you to stop crying.

I know she said you were
fat, black, and ugly as ever.

But that's not necessarily true.

Now, I want to stay
coogie down to your socks,

keep your rings and your watch
filled with diamond rocks,

and when the girls peep
you, they gonna see you.

Ya hear that, Big Poppa?

I love it when you call me that.

Now, give Mama a big hug.

Her kind words touched some
of the most brilliant minds

of our generation.

Oh, I was thinking we could grab ramen

at our favorite joint
right before "Star Wars".

Sure, I guess.

I mean, we had everything
off that menu twice.

Hey, what's up, Tray?

Shahzad, you busy?

- Nah, I ain't doing anything.
- Guess what.

I got tickets to the first
Icon Basketball Classic.

- You wanna go?
- Sure.

Bet. I'll pick you up in 30.

A'ight, I'll see you soon.

So, Tray got us tickets
to some basketball game.

I don't know. Do you mind if
we watch "Star Wars" later?

Uh... Mind I do not.

- Have fun you will.
- Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, may the Force be with you.

What's going on? I thought you guys

were gonna go get ramen
and watch "Star Wars" again?

Yeah, we were. Then, uh, Tray called

with basketball tickets,
and Shahzad blew me off.

- He doesn't even like basketball.
- I'm sorry.

I feel like I get so
little time with him,

and, when we do hang out, he's distant.

- Am I doing something wrong?
- No, babe. He's a teenager.

Making you feel shitty is what they do.

It was just so much
easier when he was little

and he looked up to me.

Now I feel like he thinks I'm a dork.

Aw, but you are a dork, sweetie,
and that's why I love you.

Not making me feel better.

I know what would make you feel better.

- What?
- Amira is over Layla's house,

and we got this whole
place to ourselves,

so we can get as loud as we want to.

Oh, yeah, sounds good.

- You know what sounds good to me?
- What?

You on your knees, begging me to...

... move this coffee table
to the center.

- Mm. Right.
- That's where it should be, in the middle.

- Uh, Ma? Do you know where my blue jacket is?
- Hmm?

Uh, yeah, it's in the closet on
the, uh, right-hand side, baby.

- Now, when these kids are out of this house...
- Uh-huh.

... Mama is coming for you.

- Oh, Daddy can't wait.
- Mm!

Mm-hmm.

But, you know, now
that you brought it up,

I do like the idea of the
coffee table over here.

- Okay. Me too.
- Yeah. Just fits better.

Yeah, let's move it.

This is gonna be legendary.

All the GOATS in one room.

- Shahzad.
- What?

Are you even listening?

I'm not really into basketball.

That's because you've
never been to a live game.

You've never had the thrill of
watching your favorite player

rest his testicles on another
man's skull as he dunked on him.

I don't want to imagine that.

Aw, back in the day, the
players' shorts were so little,

you didn't have to imagine it.

You could go for a lay-up

and get a prostate exam at the time,

then come down and have
your a*s cheeks hanging out.

Now, those were the golden days.

Teams would get together for the love

of beating the sh*t out of one another.

You didn't need the UFC.
You had the Detroit Pistons.

- You ever heard of Rick Mahorn?
- No.

- Dennis Rodman?
- No.

He had big lips with an earring
in it, black fingernail polish.

That's when they hustle.

When the ball went up, the
whole team said, "Crash!"

Let me hear you say, "Crash!"

- I'm not saying that.
- Say it.

- Crash!
- One more time.

Crash!

- Keep doing it.
- Crash!

- Again.
- Crash!

- Get back!
- Stop the ball, y'all! Stop...

There's nothing like being
in the middle of the action.

The blood, the sweat, and
if you're really lucky,

you might get a gold tooth
flying up here at you.

Wait, we're sitting all the way up here?

Shahzad, don't you turn your
nose up at the nosebleeds, okay?

This is where the real fans sit.

Sure, there might be a few
miscreants and pickpockets,

but the camaraderie is real up here.

Check this out. Hey, y'all,
this is my son's first game.

Here you go, little man.

Well, can we get some popcorn?

At $21.50 a box?

Those are hooker prices from
42nd Street and 11th Avenue

on a Thursday, right
after 9:00 at night,

with a student discount.

Not that I would know anything about it,

but don't you worry, 'cause your daddy

got a whole picnic
right here in his pocket.

Mac n' cheese. Jump on that.

And that's with the Cheez-It crust.

Mango slaw. Got sliders for you.

Wrap your mouth around that.

Peanut butter cornbread.

And, for dessert, my
world-famous "prison loaf".

- Ba!
- Yo.

- Holla!
- This is still warm.

98.6 degrees, to be exact.

Mm. sh*t, that looks
a helluva lot better

than this $12 rubbery hot dog.

My dude, it is.

Slider.

My man, thank you. You got a cup?

- Hot dogs, ladies and gentlemen!
- Excuse me.

May we have cups,
napkins, forks, and spoons?

Here you go.

You did this here, for
your troubles... sliders.

Mm.

Come on! Come on, ref!

That's not no foul!
Clean that glass eye, ref!

- Coming up. Watch him.
- Alright.

Jump!

- What's in this?
- Honey, paprika,

and my secret, crushed Corn Flakes.

- Wow.
- Come on, now! Move the ball!

Oh.

I didn't know you were here.

Oh, that's what the
eggplant-doughnut emoji meant.

I thought that was a vegan
snack you were trying to feed me.

Mm. See, I bought this
for you for your birthday,

but I thought maybe you
could use it tonight.

Oh, my God. Can we pl...

Can we please try the other
"birthday thing" tonight?

Mnh-mnh.

I only do that once
a year, no exceptions.

You know that.

Aw, it could be Shahzad. Hey.

Hey, what if something's wrong?

You don't have to worry about Shahzad.

He's a responsible kid.

Yeah, it's not Shahzad
I'm worried about.

You know, what you
need to be worried about

- is what's going on down here.
- Oh.

What's down there?

I got a thong on, and I can't find it.

That's a very sad story.

You know what game we play?

- It's "find the thong".
- Yes,

so you better focus this
time and use your teeth.

Hey!

It's defense!

Come on, man, look at the 3-second!

They're building
condominiums down there!

Come on, ref! Make the
call! Blow the whistle!

Man, you the Stevie
Wonder of refereeing!

My son just did his first trash talk!

Man, I wish we were closer.
The players look so small.

I know. Kevin Garnett look
like Kevin Hart from up here.

- Mm.
- But not for long.

- You see those empty seats at courtside?
- Yeah.

Your father about to teach
you a valuable life lesson...

how to be a baller on a budget.

First, you buy the cheapest
tickets in the house... check.

And then, first quarter,
you go to courtside,

and you look for two
empty seats... check.

And then, at halftime, you go
down there, and you take 'em.

♪ To the beat, beat, check it out ♪

- Isn't that stealing?
- Not if they're not being used.

Why shouldn't we be able to trip
a referee if Spike Lee is home,

busy polishing his Oscars
instead of coming to a game?

Baller roll out.

In order for this thing to work,
you got to act like you belong.

You got to have swag.

You might not be Diddy,

but you got to act like
you runnin' this city.

It's all in the walk,
okay? Watch my bop.

Long strides.

Come on. Yes.

Come on.

Excuse me, sir. Can I
see your tickets, please?

I seem to have misplaced them.

I think I left them in my Bugatti.

Your Bugatti? And what
color is your Bugatti?

Um... Chartreuse?

- Chartreuse? And what color is chartreuse?
- Yeah.

Come on, man. Stop busting my ba*ls.

I'm just trying to make
my kid's wish come true.

Oh, oh. Why didn't you tell me?

Let me show you your seats.

Enjoy the game.

And God bless you, son.

Told you!

Told you, kid.

Wow!

Courtside seats.

Man, we so close, we can
see LeBron's lace front.

What's up, little man?
I'm glad you could make it.

You want to sh**t around with the team?

Shahzad, that's a living
legend... Chris Bosh!

What?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Oh, my God. That was awesome!
- Yo.

I put my testicles
on Chris Bosh's skull!

Man, you wait until you get body-slammed

by Dennis Rodman trying to save a ball.

Oh, man, look, we're on the jumbotron.

Let's give a warm Brooklyn welcome

to our special guests this afternoon,

Lucas Watkins and his father, Kenny,

all the way from Kansas City,
thanks to Got-A-Wish Foundation!

Making kids' wishes
come true since 1980!

- What do we do now?
- Just roll with it, Lucas.

No, come on.

Now, okay. I'm sorry.

I just... I keep thinking about
Shahzad bonding with Tray

and then he's not gonna want
to hang out with me anymore.

And I am... I'm just not
ready to be a stepdad yet.

Don't be silly.

You have been in Shahzad's
life since he was 5 years old.

This is not a competition.

- Mm-hmm.
- You and Tray are two different people.

Tray is fun, exciting,
and unpredictable.

- Uh-huh.
- But you...

you... you're stable,
comfortable, and... Josh.

Thank you? I think.

Well, it's your turn to put these on.

Oh. I hate this part.

We got to get out of here.
We can get arrested for this.

Just be cool, man.

Excuse me, but you two
need to come with me.

- Oh, man, it was his idea.
- And it was a good one.

Because Chris Bosh would
like you and your dad

to come and watch the rest of the game

in his VIP lounge with him.

Well, if you insist. Yeah!

Come right this way.

- Yeah, that's good.
- My pleasure.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd
like to introduce my guests,

Kenny and Lucas Watkins.

You are such an inspiration.

We're all praying for you.

- Because of you,
- ♪ I see them on the boulevard, ♪

- I keep going.
- ♪ I see them on the streets ♪

♪ I like 'em with the cute sundress ♪

Tray, we should stop
this. This ain't right.

It's morally wrong.

We can't. We in too deep.

Plus, Karrueche Tran is into me.

I don't want to impersonate
a cancer patient.

I know you must be so tired,

but would you mind taking a
picture with the two of us?

Maybe we can go on a little longer.

Will you take my hand?

Man, I can't believe that I'm
hanging out with an NBA legend.

To be honest, I loved you on the court.

I love you more on Instagram.

Tell the truth... you
using mad filters, right?

A gentleman never tells, man.
Uh, go ahead, sit down.

Oh, thank you.

- Hi.
- Wow.

Come sit down.

Oh, thank you.

I'mma call you "Candy"
'cause you make my teeth hurt.

Ooh! I like that.

Yeah, they say I can go any day.

You poor little guy. Are you in pain?

Oh, my shoulders hurt
from all the radiation.

Aww! Is pressure okay?

Mm-hmm.

Can I get y'all numbers?

You know, just...
just in case I make it?

- Mmm! Everything but the tail, girl.
- Ah!

You must be a mermaid.

- You want some more shrimp?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, excuse me?

We gonna need some more shrimp,

at least 20 more, and some champagne.

Bring the kind of stuff
that you pour on a stripper.

Mm. Excuse me.

My bad, Karrueche.

- The kind you pour on a lady... that strips.
- Mm.

- Okay.
- Here you go, Mr. Watkins.

Uh, I hope they fit. Anything else?

Yes, a Segway, some pit bull puppies,

some Timberlands, size 11,
and a red leather cou...

Uh, some jerseys would be fine.

Thank you.

It must take a special kind of parent

to take care of a sick child.

Especially when you're single, you know?

And I just do not know what
I'm gonna do once he's gone.

He looks pretty lively to me.

Wow! Wishes do come true!

She's clapping her butt cheeks!

Wow.

- Hold on, man.
- What's up?

I hope all this makes your
son's fight a little easier.

We know how hard it is for families

to pay medical bills
with children like Lucas.

So, with that said,

I'm personally donating
$100,000 in his name

to the Got-A-Wish Foundation.

- I'm... I'm speechless.
- Come on, man. Let's get a picture.

- Excuse me.
- Alright, everyone.

Let's smile for the camera.

Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Bosh.

We just got a call from
the Got-A-Wish Foundation.

Lucas and Kenny Watkins aren't
gonna be able to make it today.

Lucas died in his tree
house this morning.

Uh, uh, you can... you
can take this check.

You can take this check. Excuse me.

- Shahzad, get the jerseys.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, man. Hold on, bud.

- Oh.
- Hey! My back!

Sorry!

I'm going upstairs to read.

Okay. Just gonna watch some ESPN.

Really? You don't ever watch sports.

- Yeah, I do.
- Dog shows don't count.

Fine. I'm just trying to,
like, branch out, you know?

Expand my horizons.

Don't pretend to be something you're not

just so Shahzad would hang out with you.

I just want him to like me again.

He loves you.

Just let him know that
you're not going anywhere,

and he'll come back around.

I promise.

How are you so smart about this?

Don't be fooled,

'cause if there was another
woman in their life,

I would flip the hell out.

It's hard.

But you're doing a great job.

- Mm.
- You're right.

I got to be me.

Helvetica, chapter 1.

Oh! Helvetica!

Yeah, this is that documentary
on fonts I was telling you about.

- ... is a commonly used sans-serif font classified...
- I... Oh.

Shay.

I can't believe that just happened.

This was like the best night of my life.

I was supposed to watch
"Star Wars" with Josh,

but this was way better.

You were?

Yeah, we usually watch
movies every Saturday,

but it's getting kind of lame.

This is way cooler.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Shahzad.

Josh may not have the swag to
get Karrueche Tran's number,

but he was there for you
even when I couldn't be there.

I-I know, but...

Listen, listen, listen, son.

It's not easy watching
another guy come up in here

and have a relationship with
your kid, so, in my book...

Josh is okay.

I never really thought of it like that.

I know. Come on.

Thanks for an epic day, Pops.

Pops? I like the way that sounds.

I'mma take this evidence,
and I'mma burn it,

and you keep workin'
on that "Diddy bop".

- Like this?
- Absolutely.

Mm.

Ha ha!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Times New Roman is
- How was the game?

- a serif typeface created by Morrison...
- Oh, it was cool.

- ... the text of newspapers.
- Ah. Glad you had a good time.

- Commissioned in 1931 by the artistic advisor...
- I guess you're pretty tired.

... of the British printing
equipment company,

- Times New Roman...
- Eh, I'm not too tired

to kick your butt in a game
of Warriors of Catan.

Those are fighting words.

I hope you have the
resources to back them up.

- Ha!
- Whoa, whoa!

I'm gonna settle the
sh*t out of your land!

You can't even stop me, son!

Oh. Sorry, I, uh...

I-I learned a little bit
of trash talk at the game,

and it's kind of hard to stop now.

Okay. Come on. Sit down.
We've got a game to play.

What'd you get all over your shirt?

I-It's signatures, Dad.

Signatures on your jersey?

- Yeah, I know.
- 'Cause that's what you do.

- That's what I do.
- That's what everyone does.

That's what everyone does.
That's why I knew about it.

With three games remaining

- in the regular season...
- Here.

... the Philadelphia team
face a daunting task

- if they're trying to make the playoffs.
- You feeling any better?

- Yeah, I am.
- They next face Boston,

- and it's sure to be an epic battle.
- I made peace with the fact

- that Shahzad is sometimes
- The players have one loss

- gonna pick Tray over me.
- in Cleveland behind them...

I actually think he's
a really good influence.

- They're gonna need to move the ball
- Funny.

- and play better defense, Peter.
- 'Cause I'm starting to think that, too.

- Mm?
- Here's Brian with the local update.

Yesterday, at the first-annual
Icon Basketball Classic,

two grifters pretending to be
a Got-A-Wish kid and his father

led to the injury of Chris Bosh,

whose rep reports is
currently in the hospital.

The two are still at large.

Oh, we were so wrong.