04x01 - Tornado!

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You picked the
wrong day too, huh?

The faculty retreat doesn't
start till tomorrow.

[laughter]

It went in your mouth?

- In... in... right straight in.
- Oh...

[chuckling]

Mm.

- That is good.
- Oh.

- Wow.
- What do you say?

One more?

Yeah, I...

Jack.

This thing between us, I...

I can't deny it anymore.

I, uh...

I don't know what you mean.

I must have you.

["My Heart Will Go On" playing]

The Upper Peninsula winds
whipped against the windows

and the fire roared as
the two men wondered,

"Would this be the night
their forbidden passions

became reality?"

Durbin inhaled Jack's
hot Twizzler breath

moaning quietly as
he inched closer

to his supple lips.

Durbin wouldn't do that.

His quiet reluctance is
part of his character.

And the Twizzler
takes us out of it.

I'm experimenting.

What are you guys doing?

- Nothing.
- We're shipping Mr. Griffin...

- Nothing.
- And Principal Durbin.

So you write romance
novel stories about them,

'cause that'd be funny?

It's about pairing
people in power.

It's essentially fan fiction,

but we write them
about the teachers.

Can I play?

You can't just play.

There's a lot of
world-building involved.

Listen.

[horse whinnying]

Blackjack Griffin
couldn't remember

the last time he'd had a bath,

couldn't remember
what it felt like

to have a naked body
pressed against his.

That was all about to change.

Or so he thought.

- [knocks]
- Whiskey.

There's only one
rule in the Old West,

talk straight, sh**t
straight, and walk crooked.

Thought you were dead.

How many times I gotta k*ll you?

Principal Durbin said.

Well, it doesn't seem like
he'd go by that there.

I don't know his first name.

I'm sorry I shot you, J-Jerry.

I felt bad for that prost*tute.

I get it.

I was actin' funny, 'cause
my horse thievin' wife

had gone and got herself hanged,

and I didn't have
no one to... touch.

I reckon everyone
needs the warmth

of someone else's
body sometimes,

or else...

Or else they die.

Oh, Blackjack, don't.

Oh.

Now you're shy?

Durbin found himself taking
refuge in his embrace,

hiding in its comfort.

Okay, I get it.

Let me try.

Mr. Griffin knew exactly
what he was doing

when he pulled
the brown cardigan

out of the drawer.

He was the kind of man who
hid what was broken in himself

under three days of stubble
and a wrinkled shirt,

like these things would
make his pain into a joke,

make him into someone who
didn't feel pain at all.

But Principal Durbin wore
his pain on the outside

in a starched collar

and a belt that
matched his shoes,

the kind of pain that begs
to be looked at, caressed.

They were the same in
a way, men like that.

They reach a point where
there's nothing left

to talk about.

All you have is a heart
beating so loud and so fast

you wonder if
everyone can hear it.

And you wonder if just maybe

what's broken in him
might make a home

for what's broken in you,

wonder if the man
across from you

is thinking about
pulling you down

on the sturdy wooden
desk between you.

♪ ♪

She's good.

All right, everybody, shush it.

I got tricked last night.

Yeah, I want
everybody to line up

and take a bite of this,

and tell me if you
think they were correct

in calling this mild,
because I think it's too hot.

It's too hot.

Faculty and students, I
have just been informed

by the Toledo weather federation

we are officially
in a tornado watch.

- It's coming. It's coming.
- It's coming!

I need all teachers

to take their
students to the gym,

auditorium, or a
hallway with no windows.

We are officially on lockdown.

It's definitely too
spicy, Mr. Griffin.

[groans]

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪

♪ ♪

Again, this is not a test.

Please proceed calmly
to a safe area.

There's no saving them, Ralph.

This is the son of a b*tch
that took my Pop-Pops.

Did a tornado really
k*ll your grandfather?

My grandfathers.

It k*lled both of 'em.

They went out to distract it

so me and my Mee-Maws could
get in the root cellar.

And it scooped 'em up
and slammed 'em together

like a pair of dirty flip-flops.

And then I turned back to look.

They popped like
two water balloons

full of Spaghetti-Os.

They popped my Pop-Pops.

And now it's coming
back to get me

to finish the job.

- Helen...
- Mm.

When this passes, would
you be okay with, um,

taking a couple of days off?

That's so sweet.

I don't need that.

Why... why'd you think that?

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, there you are.
- Are you good?

Me, yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Yeah, of course. Um, you?

Didn't you say it was a
tornado watch that made you

wet your pants?

[wheezing]

- Oh.
- [wheezing]

Joyce, are you okay?

I'm fine. All the excitement
just made me dizzy.

I probably just need
a piece of cheese.

Does anyone have any
cheese in their pocket?

You want Swiss or Havarti?

Well, if it makes
you feel better,

Jack here once peed his
pants during a tornado watch.

- What? No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.

- No, I didn't.
- It's not... not true.

And if you were making a
joke, it wasn't a good one.

Clunk.

[plucky music]

♪ ♪

- Where is the bunker?
- I'm just, like,

how is this structure
not built to protect us?

- That's what I'm saying.
- Hi!

We need to bust outta here now.

- Hell, no.
- I'm not going outside.

There's probably
cows flying around.

Yeah, I'm not trying to
get hit upside the head

by no barn or something
knocking my baby

straight outta me
before I even get

- to paint the nursery, girl.
- Okay.

Listen to me.

Keith is sound-mixing today.

He works in a glass gazebo

in our backyard with a blindfold

and noise-cancelling headphones.

And the song he's working on
is mostly wind and sirens.

I need to sneak out of
here and save my husband,

and I need your help.

Oh, I'm sure he's dead.

And you need to let him go.

But I'll help you get out.

At least to identify the body.

Okay.

[thunder booming]

"Mr. Griffin continued.

"'Alice Ball developed a drug
to treat leprosy from what?'

"Sarika's hand was
first to raise.

"'The oil of the
chaulmoogra tree.'

She was correct again."

Learning biology
is not a fantasy.

- For me it is.
- I'm sorry.

We're just not inviting
new members right now.

Oh, got it.

Oh, [bleep] me.

Fine, Sarika, you're in.

- Yes.
- Dan, wait.

Let's hear it.

Okay.

All right, g*ng,

the tornado watch
has been upgraded

to a tornado warning.

But do not worry.

There's nothing to fear.

Papa Durbs will keep you safe.

- It's a stone-cold k*ller!
- No, Helen.

It got a taste of my bloodline,
and it wants seconds.

- We're all dead. We're dead.
- No, no.

No, do not live in fear.

- Bye.
- Dead!

Sounds like it's more
serious than we thought.

Yeah, yeah, this could
definitely be it.

Like, people should
definitely say

everything they need to say
to the people they snapped at.

Yeah, or, you know,

if they embarrassed
the other person

in front of a bunch
of people, you know,

then they should probably
say something to make amends.

I agree.

- I agree more.
- Me too... even more.

♪ ♪

[quirky upbeat music]

Hey, there you are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, girl.

You with me?

[sobs]

Hey, hey, come here,
come here, come here.

♪ ♪

What's got you shook, Janette?

[sobs]

G-Money.

Step away from her now.

What is this?

Mr. G said.

Do as they say, Griff-daddy.

She's not who you
think she is, G-dawg.

In fact,

she's not even what
you think she is.

Nice, sci-fi.

Great call.

Are you out of
your mind, Durbin?

Tell them to stop
pointing g*ns at my girl!

- Griff...
- [sloshing]

I'm...

A g*dd*mn alien.

She was sent to analyze
vitals for our planet

so space c*ck
can drain it dry.

But stupid me,

I had to fall in love.

Love?

Yeah, love.

[sighs]

So Jackie, like,

brushes his hand
across her alien cheek,

then in slow motion

he reaches inside his
sweater and pulls out not one

but two g*ns, right?

And he starts blasting
at the feds like

- blow, blow, blow, blow, blow!
- Wow.

Diving to the side.

They all firing back.
Blow, blow, blow!

Maybe some doves are
flying in slow motion.

And maybe some of them
get hit by the b*ll*ts.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Wow.

- So good.
- Love it.

[dramatic music]

[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

Griff

they got me.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Don't worry about me, Mr. G.

Go save

the world.

Don't you see?

You are my world.

♪ ♪

No, no.

[screaming]

[applause]

I still feel like

we're letting too
many people into this.

I will cut your throat open
with the pen I'm holding.

Okay, but no more after him.

[plucky music]

♪ ♪

Thanks again for helping
sneak me out, Dale.

I just hope my
husband's still alive.

I hear ya. I'd be worried sick

about my wife if
she hadn't left me

and gone back to Russia
with half my money.

Damn, Dale.

Just damn.

I'll just grab the
key to the south wing.

- We'll sneak you out from there.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

What the hell is this?

Don't!

It's trash, all of our old trash

made into dolls.

Dale, these are beautiful.

Be gentle with them.

They're precious to me.

[dramatic music]

They moved closer to him.

They wanted to be...
Dare they even think it?

- One with him.
- Hold on.

Why are they wearing that?

I... in this scenario,

I just figured the women

would want to be in
something more comfortable.

Your idea of "more
comfortable" for women

means tank tops
and short skirts?

Uh, no. Wait, check this out.

It's time we flee.

No, you piece of meat.

We want to stay with you.

She said, strong and confident,

as any strong and
confident woman would say.

Good.

Then back to the task at hand

us kissing. Come here.

Oh, you brute! You pig!

♪ ♪

Why, you pig.

You brute!

What is happening?

Sorry, Kozlowski, this
simply isn't a fit.

Yeah, why are they
punching his chest?

That's what they always do

in the classic
films my dad watches

with his new girlfriend.

She hates me.

I guess everyone does.

Fine, you can join.

Just don't have the women
punch the men's chests.

Roger that.

Super helpful.

[straining]

Oh, okay.

- Hey.
- Oh.

- Need a hand there, buddy?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I, uh, bit off a little
more than I could chew.

[drill whirring]

- Looks good.
- Hey, you had a little, uh,

moment with Lynnette back there.

- Oh, well, yeah.
- I mean, I'm like,

if I tell you something
in confidence,

do you mind not blabbing
it to all my co-workers?

I know it's tough, all right?

But you gotta let that stuff go.

My ex-wife told
all of our friends

that I shave my earlobe
hair, and I freaked out.

Let me see.

Yeah, look at that, a
little stubble on there.

Yeah, so

smooth as a duck's flipper.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Okay. Well, um,

I'm gonna go see
if she's around.

Oh, yeah, hey,
thanks for the hand.

- No problem.
- All right.

Hey, can I tell you mine?

You wrote one?

Where's your notebook?

b*tch, I don't need a notebook.

I know who I want to ship.

Just tell me where it happens,
and I'll bring the magic.

Well, nothing's sexier
than the Old West,

chaps, stirrups,
dust, lassos, leather.

There you go, sir.

Oh, well, welcome to
Harriet's House of Harlots.

I'm Harriet.

Would you like
something to drink?

We have, basically, like,

everything you would
have in the Old West.

- Well, give me whatever.
- That's not the point of this.

I'm here to get fully weird,
and I don't care who it's with.

Obviously, I don't want it to
be, like, a gross old dr*fter

but otherwise I'm open.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

[upbeat music]

Um, yes, please.

♪ ♪

Are you guys, like, cool
with me buying your shots

and joining your group, or
do you totally hate that?

Get your buns in here.

Coach sat down with
his new friends.

I am officially dead.

How do you guys know each other?

We, like, met doing a
traveling medicine show,

blah, blah.

I am, like, already
in love with you all.

Uh, we are, like,


I'd literally tell you anything.

I'm officially dead again.

You are a frickin' rock star
traveling from town to town

walking into saloons where
you literally know nobody.

Literally, how do you do it?

♪ It's so hard for a fella ♪

♪ Who ain't got no home ♪

Wow. Nice pipes, Anthony.

I got peanut butter sandwiches

for anyone who's getting hungry.

Oh.

Keep at it. Wow.

I was not mean to you.

- Oh, come on.
- You were mean to me.

You used my childhood trauma

as a source of workplace comedy.

I was just trying to
comfort Joyce when she

just

listen, dude.

I get that tornadoes
make you freak out,

but it's no excuse to
be a bad boyfriend.

Wait...

[wind whooshing,
windows rattling]

[upbeat music]

You know what?

I'm glad this tornado happened.

We were never gonna work.

We're just too different.

Total opposites.

I like wine and Toledo.

And I like bourbon and France.

[chimes jingling]

♪ ♪

Baby, loving you is a whirlwind.

♪ ♪

Their tongues danced

like hypnotized snakes

in each other's mouth baskets.

- Whoa.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Come sit with us.
- Yeah, yeah.

And high school was different

for Ashley Joy
Minette from then on.

In some ways, it had just begun.

What is the big damn deal?

So you had an accident
when you were young.

The point is, I was
alone when a tornado hit,

because my mom had to work all
the time after my dad left.

It sucked, okay, to be
a kid and to be scared.

How was I supposed to
know all those layers

if you don't tell me? You
have zero vulnerability.

The one time I was vulnerable,

you went and blabbed
about it, you know?

I'm supposed to trust
a b-b-b-blabbermouth?

God.

This is a sentence I never
thought I'd have to say.

But the

the door to the lawnmower
shed has been ripped off.

It's lying in the grass.

However, I urge all
of you to remain calm.

- It's here.
- Dear God, it's here.

I've put you all
in so much danger.

I'm gonna offer myself up

as a sacrifice in order
to save the school.

- No, Helen. No, Helen!
- Yes, I am.

Hi, Keith.

It's me again. [Chuckles]

I know the song you're mixing

also has a lot of
phone ringing sounds,

but again, there's
a tornado warning,

and you really gotta get
out of that glass gazebo.

Call me if you get this. Mwah!

Michelle! There you are.

Helen just burst past
Coach and ran outside.

What?

[thunder booming]

I don't see her.

[loud thud]

[dramatic music]

All: Eduardo!

'Sup.

She's a bit banged up.

She'll be all right.

Oh.

He saved my butt!

I never knew you were master
blackbelt level strong.

Your compliments are greatly
appreciated, art teacher.

- You may touch my arm.
- [gasps]

Ooh, my turn, my turn!

I wanna feel the arm that's
keeping me and my baby safe.

- Is it over?
- Can we come out now, Eduardo?

You saved us, Eduardo.

Will you open this for me?

♪ ♪

all: Oh!

♪ ♪

Ahh!

[glass shattering]

All: All hail Eduardo!

The great tornado slayer!

All hail Eduardo!

Eduardo French-kissed
each of the teachers,

and he did it totally correctly.

Okay, French-kissing
bandit and crew,

- let's get all those notebooks.
- Ralph!

Ralph, there you are.

It took a left.

Thank God the
tornado took a left.

Oh, my God.

It's going for my
sister in Cincinnati.

- [sighs]
- Oh, God.

It's over.

You're all free to go home,

except the A.P. Bio students.

[upbeat bouncy music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

- Keith, you're okay!
- Yeah.

Just barely. It
was really windy,

and I didn't know it.

Well, how's the song?

It's coming apart at
the seams, you know.

I'm really worried
about my vision

for a song that's
all sound effects.

- Oh.
- My manager,

he called it "not a song."

What?

"Along with their..."

Guys, what are you doing?

You're supposed to
be my good kids.

- Yeah, really.
- You know, I'm actually

with Durbin for once.

All these scenarios
where we're kissing?

- Yeah, oh, yeah.
- I'm sorry, that's the joke?

'Cause, frankly, I don't
see the punch line.

Or is it that just that
you guys like seeing

people in positions
of power act like...

[sensual music]

♪ ♪

Like g*dd*mn animals?

Already? You wrote one
while we were filing in?

Yeah, that was me.

I'm quick like that.

What are you guys doing?

You're supposed to
be my good kids?

You all have detention
starting now.

You're gonna sit here

and think about
what you've done,

- and we are taking these.
- Yep.

Bad kids.

Bad.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Okay, I'll go first.

Durbin and Mr. Griffin
were still charged up

from scolding the students.

♪ ♪

[laughter]

Oh, Eduardo really
did his research

on unusual sex practices,
didn't he, 'cause...

Oh, wait till you get to

the Ancient Egyptian public
masturbation ceremony

- starring Durbin.
- No.

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- No, no! God.

- [laughs]
- Yeah, I'm not... no.

I'm not gonna read
that one. I'm just not.

Hey, I'm sorry about today.

No, no, I...

No, I'm... I'm sorry
that I lashed out at you.

Well, I shouldn't
have told everyone

- that you peed your pants.
- [sighs]

I didn't realize it was
connected to deeper stuff.

Well, yeah, 'cause
I didn't tell you.

Maybe we could both stand to
be a little more vulnerable.

Yeah.

She brushed her hand
across his sinewy chest

and turgid n*pples.

She'd always admired
his turgid n*pples

but most of all his
intense vulnerability

and almost alarming openness

about every painful
thought and feeling

that crossed his mind.

♪ Someday soon I'll
just live over yonder ♪

♪ Bring you coffee to taste ♪

♪ Crossword puzzles to ponder ♪

♪ And I hope you're well ♪

- Bye, Jack.
- ♪ And you know ♪

♪ That I love you ♪