04x05 - The Perfect Date from Hell

[bunniefuu]

And how did that make
you feel, Shayla?

Going to the symphony?

I don't know. Bored?

It's like just going to see
the closing credits of a movie.

I meant, how do you feel

about this potential
relationship?

I don't think it's a good fit.

He always has just the
right amount of stubble.

It's too deliberate.

I think you're doing
what you always do.

Prematurely ending
a relationship

to avoid the inevitable
pain that love brings.

No, I did not end the
last one prematurely.

We had irreconcilable
differences.

He. Wore. Socks. In. Bed.

Okay, I have an
assignment for you.

Take out your day planner,
right now, please.

I want you to give this
new guy a couple of months,

just to break the
cycle of self-sabotage.

So mark 60 days from
your first date,

and on that day,
you can dump him

if you choose to do so.



I don't know, I feel kinda bad

using this guy as
my therapy homework.

Is it worse than ghosting him
now because of his stubble?

I met someone, y'all!

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪

♪ ♪

Yeah, I thought I was
done with romance,

but I have now been on two
stellar dates with Shayla...

Ooh!

That would be Ms. Shayla Howard,

the A.P. English substitute.

Ms. Howard? I have her
when Ms. Miller's out.

One time, she drank a one liter
of Diet Coke during a class.

A morning class. I like her.

Well, I like her too.

And yes, I have noticed
that many of you are

dressed like riverboat
casino croupiers,

but I don't wanna
talk about that yet.

I'm just gonna let that drift
on down the Big Muddy a spell.

[chuckles] 'Cause right now,

what's floating
my boat is Shayla.

And I'm pulling out all
the stops to impress her.

Sounds like you might
be overcompensating.

Exactly wrong, Marcus.

You see, by putting myself
out there in big ways,

I risk looking like a fool,

which is exactly the
kind of vulnerability

that I didn't show in
my last relationship.

No crap, Matlock.

Oh, wow. You, uh...

You know "Matlock." Interesting.

Today's mission is
planning my next

big romantic move with Shayla!

Ooh, whatever it is, Mr. G,
you should make it a surprise.

If I'm like, "Can I buy you
some chicken nuggets, girl?"

That's romantic, but if I say,

"I already got you these
chicken nuggets, girl,"

that's even more romantic
'cause I was thinking 'bout her

when we weren't even together.

When I was at McDonald's.

You can whisk her away

to a secluded
cabin in the woods.

Maybe something with blindfolds?

They can enhance
your other senses.

Okay, uh, so far, what
you two are describing

is an abduction.

Maybe you could
surprise her by showing

a genuine interest in her life.

Like, if she was wearing
an out-of-character outfit,

maybe you could
ask her about it.

All right, fine, Anthony,
why don't you go ahead

and tell me why
you're dressed like

a Fantastic Sams
street marketing team?

Just please, don't say
you're an a cappella group.

Guilty as charged!

We're the Car Tunes.

That's C-A-R space T-U-N-E-S.

What? What's the car?

Do you guys sing from
inside a big cardboard car?

- We do now.
- That's a great idea.

Oh, Heather, not you too.

Oh, I'm the manager, boss.

I booked them for this
morning announcements.

And hey, I'm ready to book them

for your perfect date.

[blows pitch pipe]

Ah, oh, oh, oh! Nope, wait.

Why don't you just go
ahead and... go ahead

and close those mouths
without singing a single note.

Okay?

Anthony?

Close that mouth or I'm
gonna throw something in it.

You better... hey, man.

I'm... yeah.

A cappella music has no place
in a perfect date, okay?

Or in life. I need
something else.

They're screening "The
Rocky Horror Picture Show"

at the drive-in Friday night.

Oh, great!

Yeah, that's right up her alley.

Okay, now, I could
ask her if she's free

on Friday, but, uh,

I want those chicken
nugget points.

So I think we need to take
a peek at her calendar.

Now, she keeps an actual,
physical day planner

in her purse.

Leave it to us, boss.

We can have peepers
on that planner

by E.O.D.

Okay, I appreciate it, Heather,

and I am very concerned
about the fact

that you're pulling out
that pitch pipe again.

Well, it just kinda
seemed like we were

all good on the mission part,

so maybe it's time for the...

[blows pitch pipe]

- [all alternating]
- ♪ Car, car, car, car tunes ♪

Music is meant to have
instruments, you guys!

Why cut out the instruments?

[percussive music]

I just wanted a damn snack.

Ralph!

You're not gonna believe
what we just got in the mail.

Did Pat Sajak write back?

Even better!

It's a gift certificate

for Shrimptuberfeast,

from Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse!

♪ Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse ♪

[together] ♪ Where
they let you throw ♪

♪ The shrimp tails
on the floor ♪

[both laughing]

Oh, but I thought that.

Shrimptuberfeast
was in the fall.

No, that's Shrimptoberfest.

Captain Grumpy's is offering

a "deserving member
of our staff"

the enjoyment of an
evening of endless shrimp

and bottomless
tap water for two!

We have the most
shrimp-deserving staff

in all of Toledo.

How do we pick just one?

Do, like, a series
of interviews?

Ralph, the teachers
think of you as a God.

They're not gonna toot
their horn around you.

If only there was a way
to embed myself, you know?

To get to know the
faculty and their stories,

not as a boss, but as an equal.

[sighs]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

I bet I am!

♪ ♪

Okay, so Mr. Rochester keeps
his violently insane wife

locked in an attic.

Now, what would I do
if I were Jane Eyre?

I... would... leave

in my... carriage!

Come on, guys, really think

about what I would do in
some of these situations!

Good afternoon, ma'am.

I have an official work order

to set this up for next period.

[clears throat]

[suspenseful music]

As you can see,
there's two signatures

and the official school logo.

All above board.

You can just toss it, thanks.

[sighing] Okay, where was I?

- Mr. Rochester bonds with Jane...
- Two hours I spent on this.

Then goes to party and
comes back with "Blanche."

Now, what would I say
to the two of them

if I were Jane?

Think, you guys!

♪ ♪

Showtime.

Excuse me, Ms. Howard?

That boy in the
hallway looks lost.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, do you need help?

Oh, you're a dear.

I can't seem to find the office.

You mean the office
one door down?

- Oh, right.
- Uh, not that office.

I meant the office...

Of the cafeteria.

The kitchen?

♪ ♪

Damn it, I need more time.

Ca-caw.

[over radio] Ca-caw.

Ca-caw.

[over radio] Ca-caw.

Oh, good, can you help this
boy find the cafeteria?

He doesn't go here.

He only comes here
to steal beans.

Quick, check his bag.

No.

Fine, I'll do it.

Stolen beans!

Take him to the
principal's office.

Freeze! All three of you.

♪ ♪

Thanks.

Actually, you may
wanna see this.

No, not my pocket!

Ha-hah!

They were both stealing beans.

Take them to the
principal's office!

I'm going back to class.

[dramatic sting]

Dump Day?

Uh, are you in this class?

Attention, everyone!

I've got the new
music teacher here,

so start getting to
know him by, you know,

telling him about yourself
and all your hardships.

Pump the brakes
there, Hell-on-Wheels.

This songbird can
carry his own tune.

It is happening at long last.

We are being
"Undercover Boss" -ed.

What does that mean?

That means whoever tells
Durbin the biggest sob story

gets a cash prize.

One of us is getting $20,000.

But you gotta pretend like
you don't know it's him.

My face hurts.

[laughter]

Stef Duncan, history.

- This is Joseph Teagues.
- Oh.

And he's left-handed.

And that's why we know
that he's so creative.

Hey. Uh, Jojo.

I've danced with Lady Music
in every dress she can wear.

Saw a lotta naked
ladies with the boys

in They Might Be Giants

and banged a lot of "they
might've been giants"

with the Barenaked Ladies.

[laughter]

You name a song, I've played it.

- "Piano Man."
- All that stuff.

You know, and I'm
still grateful.

What are you grateful for, Stef?

Oh, plenty of things.

Unlike the orphans
that I take canoeing.

You know, my dream is to
take them to Disneyworld,

and let them ride the log flume,

the world's best canoe,

but that'd be, like, 20K.

- That's gone up.
- Wow.

Righteous buzzkill about the, uh

orphans not having any rent.

I mean, do you, uh,
recall a particular orphan

that maybe talked about
wanting to eat a ton of shrimp?

Helen! There you are.

Is this the man who's
gonna be replacing me?


about it in the hallways?

Damn it, I forgot to
give Trudy the heads up.

I'm gonna set myself on fire.

Okay, whoa. Hey, listen.

I'm not into that, all right?

Self-immolation is a
Jojo no-no, so I'm...

I'm gonna go talk to
this cool cat, Durbin.

And I'm gonna stone-cold resign.

And then I'll leave
through a different door,

so you'll probably never
see me again, so, uh,

you know, remember, you
can lick the devil's candy,

but don't get in his van.

You know, I gotta say,
it's so chivalrous of you

to escort me all the
way to my classroom.

Not a big thing.

I escort a lot of guys
to their classrooms.

[sighing] Oh!

That's a huge load
off, because, um...

I'm sleeping with
the bus driver.

- [laughing] Oh!
- Yeah.

You know, you have been very
secretive about this bag.

You got a dead body
in there, or...

Ah, no.

A gentleman never tells.

Okay.

Good morning, everybody! Ooh!

So I got all the...

Got the "Rocky Horror"
costumes, you know.

The bread, the rice,

the hot dogs to
throw at the screen.

This is gonna be fun.

What's going on?

Did something go wrong
with the mission?

Did you guys not
get the planner?

Does Shayla have plans tonight?

Why didn't you tell me

before I bought
all these fishnets?

No, we got the planner.

It's just

there was some pretty
crazy stuff in there.

Stuff that's so messed up,

you should probably
just move on.

Right, Victor?

Oh, yeah.

She had an appointment
to eat boogers.

Ah, no, no, somebody else go.

Will somebody please tell
me what the hell's going on?

The whole thing's a sham, boss.

I'm sorry. You're
therapy homework.

[dramatic drum beats]

[sad thumb piano music]

If you're facing away

to hide the shame of your tears,

please know that none of us are
judging you for your sorrow.

I've got it.

- [sighs]
- Good to have you back, boss.

Did you figure out a
way to dump her a*s?

No, I'm not gonna let her
off the hook that easily.

I'm gonna ruin her little
therapy assignment.

It is my a*s that
will be dumped by her.

[chuckling]

Forget a romantic
night at the movies.

We're about to treat Shayla
to the perfect date...

[chalk scratching]

From hell.

You actually crossed
out "perfect."

Yeah, uh, but then, you
know, I thought about it,

and I was like, "I think I
like the sound of it better

with 'perfect' in there."

So I put it back in. Yeah.

So what is the creepiest place

that you guys can think
of to take a date?

Spiders.

Spi... no, what places, Yuyao.

Spider factory.

Real places.

Funeral home.

Mm! An old lady's house.

A deadold lady's house.

All: Ooh.

What? What is it?

Well, what's the one
place we all know

that's covered in creepy
religious iconography

and reeks of death and sadness?

It's your house, Matlock!

Oh, yes. Yes.

Shayla thinks she
can suffer through

two months with me?

[laughs] Fat chance!

She's about to learn that
Jack Griffin is insufferable.

[devious music]

- Well, here it is.
- Faculty lounge. I like it.

Bada bing, bada boom.

You got some real, uh

real interesting
electricity here.

Hey, Nick, I want you to
meet Mary Wagner here.

Oh, Nick, professional
electrician.

Hey, you mind, uh, showing
me where the light switch is?

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Right this way.

You know, I find that helping
is a gift that can be opened

again and again.

Oh, now that's a motto!

Well, helping is
something that I learned

from my frail immigrant parents.

They both have so
much carpal tunnel

all over their hands
and wrists from, um,

working in a
calculator factory...

[fake crying] For so many years.

I'm sorry, you guys are trying
to work, and I'm weeping.

Hey, hey, why don't you, uh,

tell me more about your parents.

It's dumb, but my mom has
always talked about owning

a Legend 200 Soft Spa hot tub.

Yeah, she said it was the
only thing that would ease

the years of back-breaking work.

Also, she wanted it installed
in my backyard because...

[choking up] They're
not zoned for it.

I wonder if she wouldn't
equally enjoy, you know,

eating shrimp in such a way

that she wouldn't have
to worry about, you know,

stopping eating shrimp

later on that
particular evening.

[electricity buzzes]
[high-pitched scream]

That... [clears throat]

That's, uh... that's...
That's normal, you know.

I like to... I like to
burn out the old wires

before I put in the new ones.

[electricity crackling]

[electric zap]

You know who'd get a kick
out of this, I'll tell you,

is the electrician
that we usually use.

- Let's go talk to that guy!
- Yeah, we should...

[relaxed '50s style music]

♪ ♪

So let me get this straight.

First date,

truffle oil roasted
salmon at Mancy's.

Yeah.

Second date,

Toledo Symphony Orchestra

followed by a romantic
walk in the park.

Uh-huh.

Third date,

watch Norman Bates eat Manchego

like an apple?

Oh, my apologies.

Did you wanna pet
the little doggies?

Okay, I think I
get what this is.

You're tanking this date.

- What?
- I'm not tanking the date.

What're you talking about?

I get it, trust me.

I know all about
sabotaging a relationship

for no good reason.

[clears throat]

I once told a guy

that he needed to
ask my ex-boyfriend

for permission to date me

and then took him to a cemetery.

- [chuckling]
- Yeah.

That's pretty good.

It was. It was really good.

- Okay.
- Mm.

So these eyebrows are gonna
take about 12 hours to dry,

so you're gonna have to sleep
standing up like a horse.

Maybe we do, like, a
younger librarian costume

with less involved makeup?

A younger librarian?

Honestly, Ralph,

I am usually nice to you,

but that's one of the dumbest
things you've ever said.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Oh, hi! Hi, Michelle

I'm just having an affair
with the new librarian.

Oh, you're not married.

Oh, well, he might be married.

Are you married, Harry?

Single and ready to dingle!

Oh, no.

This is Harry Henderson.

And he's our new librarian.

And what the heck are
you doing here so late?

Well, I'm just really
burning the candle

at both ends these days.

Putting in some extra
hours to try and pay off

my crippling gambling debts.

I'm juiced on the cards.

Solitaire, Old Maid, Uno!

[chuckles]

I owe a lot of money

to some really rough people.

Well, not exactly
a noble problem.

How much do you owe?

And, please, convert
it to shrimp.

Uh, 20,000, so 20...
hundred shrimp.

Wait, what country is
using shrimp as a currency?

[sighs] Yeah, you know what?

That powerful story just
knocked a chunk of ear

off of Harry here.

We're gonna go to the hospital
and get it reattached.

- Yeah.
- Owie. Ooh, owie.

- We'll be back.
- Okay.

All right, what's
your worst one?

Okay, okay, one time,

I hung a portrait of a
naked man over my bed

and told him it was my dad.

[both laugh]

That's pretty good.

That'll get rid of 'em.

One time, I told this girl

that I couldn't fly
out to meet her family

because I had been
banned from Tampa.

[both laugh]

I almost broke up with a guy

because his stubble
was too deliberate.

Okay, well, he
sounds like a dope.

Actually, he's growing on me.

[chuckling] Oh, okay.

That's good. You got me.

I guess I'm a walking
razor commercial, huh?

Full disclosure,

I really was ready to tank this,

but my therapist convinced
me to give it a fair chance.

You're kinda my
therapy homework.

It's fine. I know.

I, uh... I had my students
look through your planner.

And when they found out, we
came up with this whole plan

to manipulate you
into dumping me

so that you would
fail at therapy.

- What?
- Yeah.

The whole thing was fake.

The lost kid, the
stolen beans...

Those beans were not stolen.

I bought all those beans.

Why would you do that?

Well, you know,

you were trying to
make a fool out of me,

so I wanted to make
a fool out of you.

That is so messed up.

I wasn't trying to
make a fool out of you.

I was trying to give myself
time to trust someone.

[melancholy music]

I really hope it
was worth buying

all these creepy decorations
just to freak me out.

[door slams]

[school bell rings]

[downcast music]

Hey, Jack! You miss me?

I didn't know you were gone.

Busted! I wasn't.

- Oh, is that right?
- Yeah.

Are you... you okay?
Is something wrong?

I had a bad date.

- Oh, oh. Hey, hey.
- Love and prayers, brother.

Love and prayers.

Well, she dumped me.

- Aye!
- [all cheering]

[upbeat pop music plays]

♪ ♪

No. Hey guys, stop!

Stop. Stop dancing!
Stop the dancing.

Victor, please don't Dougie.

Know when not to Dougie.

I changed my mind, guys,

and by the time she dumped
me, I didn't want it.

You're exhausting.

Yeah, well, Shayla agrees.

I told her about our
dumb revenge mission,

which I think was
Anthony's idea,

and she insulted
my house and left.

This will not stand. No way.

This type of thing? She's
toast, right, Mr. G?

[sighs]

No, I mean, I
don't want revenge.

I just...

I just... I just wanna
lay down for a bit.

You know.

[groans]

Well, if you still
wanna date her,

maybe it's not too late

to tell her how you really feel.

I wouldn't know what to say.

[soft music]

You can say "I'm
sorry" in the sweetest,

most talented way possible:

Pure vocal expression,
straight from the heart.

♪ ♪

Weird way of putting
it, but yeah.

An apology.

Not usually my style, but,
you know, when they zig,

you zag.

[percussive music]

- Can you hurry up?
- [indistinct chatter]

- Hey!
- Oh, Durbin!

- Durbin!
- You're back!

You would not believe the
crazy characters we met

while you were out of town.

Ladies, I will let you in
on a little secret, okay?

Jojo and the electrician
and Harry Henderson,

and assistant badminton
manager Philippe

were all me in costume.

- Uh, no!
- What?

What? That's impossible.

- There's no way...
- Helen.

Helen, it's okay.

We don't have to
pretend anymore.

Oh, Ralph, I wasn't pretending.

I really forgot. Oh,
now, that is scary.

Let's go ahead and tell
'em about the prize.

- Come on, big money!
- No whammies!

This is "Jeopardy"!

I have decided that
there is one teacher

truly deserving of
this great prize.

I mean, even though he
had a bad date last night,

he still showed up today
to inspire his students.

If you say you're
giving $20,000 to Jack,

I'm gonna lose my damn mind.

$20,000... I'm not
giving away $20,000!

The prize that I'm giving
Jack is invaluable.

Because the all-you-can-eat.

Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse.

Shrimptuberfeast certificate

has no cash value.

So we get no money

and no Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse?

No!

They let you throw the
tails on the floor!

And the bathrooms have
bowls of free crawfish.

Should I make a reservation?

Now, that's an aye,
aye from me, okay?

Coupon or no coupon,
I want some shrimps.

And some bathroom crawfish.

The decorations were not
meant to freak you out, okay?

Those are my actual things.

Like the cuckoo
clock with the angel?

That's my cuckoo clock.

[chalk scratching]

Look, I'm...

I'm sorry I tried to
ruin your therapy.

But I like you, and...

I would really like to
continue to like you.

Well, to be honest,

my original plan was to
get to exactly two months

and then dump you.

So I guess we could just
stick to the original plan.

Hey, I'll... I'll take that.

That sounds good.

Honk, honk.

Oh. Oh, no, no.

Guys. Guys, please
don't do this.

Both: ♪ Beep, beep ♪

All: ♪ My heart is roamin' ♪

I swear I had nothing to do
with the singing children.

Both: ♪ Now we're zoomin'
♪ both: ♪ Beep, beep ♪

both: ♪ Our car is gassed,
our heart can last ♪

♪ If we were in and
cruise into the ♪

all: ♪ Love highway ♪

[in baritone] ♪ Love highway ♪

all: ♪ Beep beep,
beep beep, beep beep ♪

Congratulations, Jack!

You just won a romantic
dinner for two!

Okay, I swear I
had nothing to do

with whatever this is, either.

Yeah, right.

All: ♪ Beep beep,
beep beep, beep beep ♪

- Okay.
- You're pulling me.

I'm trying to turn.

I should be driving!

- Show faces, people.
- Smiles till you're offstage.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[suspicious music]

♪ ♪

Ralph!

It's me, Helen.

Good news!

Kangaroo Lu's Down
Under Taco Hut

just sent us two weekend passes

to Tacodile Dundee's
Burrito Bash.

Don't worry. I got this one.