04x06 - Love, for Lack of a Better Term

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Riddle me this, my little nerds.

Who here has been to the
Toledo Renaissance Faire?

Yeah, that tracks.

It turns out that getting
more serious with Shayla

means the occasional
Ren Faire excursion

to drink mead with her brother

who fancies himself a friar.

Three flagons in
yesterday, my phone died.

I wasn't able to
order us an Uber,

because all of the
crushed velvet deviants

that work there claimed
that they'd never heard

of a "phone charger."

Uh, "What magic
dost thou speak of?"

Says the wizard
wearing an Apple watch.

Yeah, had to catch a ride home

with a bunch of minstrels
who had really committed

to that era's lack of deodorant.

The whole day was a
nightmare, I'm telling you.

But I will have my revenge

before they leave
town next week.

And you all are gonna help me.

Okay, first off, it's
important that we understand...

High school's that time
when you're supposed to

figure out who you are.

But who is Victor Kozlowski?

A nerd?

A nice guy in a sweater? Sure.

A hopeless romantic who's
never even been kissed?

Guilty as charged.

Ideally, what we're looking for

is someone who can work a forge.

- Sorry to interrupt.
- Uh, Victor's mom called.

Yeah.

Found your retainer
again, huh, bud?

Great. Keep us posted.

Gwen's way easier to define.

She's my oldest buddy.

The one who makes
me laugh so hard.

Go-Gurt comes out of my nose.

She's my safe place, for
lack of a better term.

- Now...
- [snaps fingers]

Yeah, uh, Victor? Hi. Yeah.

Um, listen, do you or do
you not know how to joust?

[Ramones' "We Want
the Airwaves"]

♪ ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ ♪

I guess I could be a maiden
with squished cleavage?

- That's it? No.
- Come on, guys, damn it.

If we're gonna get
past this century

slash parking attendant,

then your characters need
to be better defined.

We need to go deeper with these
characters' backstories, okay?

That... that... that's
what I'm saying.

I'm thinking, like, um,

like a harlequin with
an addiction to mutton.

Or like an earnest baker
who survived the plague

only to be run over
by a corpse cart.

- Boss, it's 8:30.
- Oh, uh, okay.

Time to hop over to city
hall and get a permit

to ride a donkey on the street.

Sometimes in life, there's
a before and an after.

This is before.

[phones chiming]

Oh, my God.

Someone leaked hot, hot
photos of Ashlanda schoolwide.

This is after.

I preferred their
September leak.

The blue bikinis.

Cause of death, that photo.

Time of death, when I saw it.

I can't believe somebody invaded

their privacy like that.

You know they do this
on purpose, right,

take a sexy photo,
send it schoolwide

so that everybody can
see how hot they look?

I strive for mystery
in my NSFW photos.

Where's the soft lighting?
Where's the come hither look?

Anthony, you've
taken risqué photos?

Even I have.

Just so there's something
spicy to throw at the press

when I become senator at 34.

When it comes to this stuff,
I say, "Go hard or go home."

Get it?

If no one even nods or chuckles,

then I look like a perv.

Someone, please.

Nod. Chuckle.

But the rest of you
haven't done it yet, right?

I've never done one.

[shutter snaps]

Okay, now I did it.

- Did you guys hear my joke?
- What about you, Dan?

You got any photos
you wanna share?

Well, I'm more of an
in-person kind of guy.

I like to feel it.

- Same. In-person gal.
- I wanna feel it.

- You all heard it, right?
- Go hard or go home?

But this time the hard is the...

[gentle acoustic guitar]

One thing was clear.


felt more like a little boy.

While I questioned my
manhood, Anthony and Grace

were celebrating the
women of Whitlock.

It was part of Grace's duties
on the student council,

and Anthony was there
because... well...

And that will get
you out of gym.

Thank you.

We're gonna start on the
bulletin board in the hallway.

Ooh, that sounds good.

I gotta get back
to scraping the gum

off the bottom of my desk.

Oh, I don't know why
I do this to myself.

The garbage can is right there.

You know what these
queens deserve?

- Neon.
- [gasps]

Get out of my head. And
how about bubble letters?

- Get out of my head.
- I won't. I love it here.

I'm gonna put a couch in
your head and take a nap.

I mean, what about a
staycation at home?

- That sounds fu...
- Would you want to do that?

- Uh, yeah.
- Helen.

Dish on your weekend.

Did you see your lady love?

- I did.
- I got taken to the ballet.

All: Ooh!

Yeah. Get this.

All the performers
were children.

Just terrible ballet.

I mean, they were
bumping into each other,

they didn't know their moves,
and it was a waste of a night.

Are you sure it wasn't her like,

niece's recital or something?

Well, yeah, it did
turn out to be that.

So I just said some fake nice
things about the bad ballet,

and then we had some
hot cocoa by the fire

and smooched each
other off. [laughs]

Ooh.

I'm sorry, I thought
everyone was gonna go, "Ooh."

Well, I spent my
weekend completely alone

almost exclusively on the couch.

Honestly, pretty epic weekend.

[laughter]

This guy knows what
I'm talking about.

- He knows.
- She's right. [Clears throat]

She's right. Sorry.

I have not used my voice
since Friday when I said,

"Don't worry about me;
My weekend's packed."

Hey, remember our pact.

If neither of us is
married by age 65...

Double suicide.

All: Ah! [Laughter]

So sad.

Do you think Principal
Durbin and Ms. Wagner

could ever, you
know, be together?

If they were going to,

wouldn't they have
done it by now?

Sometimes love needs
a little nudge.

So what about love?

They say it's like having
butterflies in your stomach,

and sometimes, yeah, it
feels like eating bugs

would be easier than
talking about it.

Blood oath.

Let's swear to never
betray each other.

But we already
did that last week

with barbecue sauce.

I guess I'm just hungry.

[sultry rock music]

♪ ♪

Stare much?

Ashley and Amanda,
they're brave.

Brave with their bodies.

Ah, yes, showing side boob
is a real profile in courage.

I've been thinking about
taking some nudes of my own.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

No, same here. Same here.

Oh, oh, you're
serious. Okay, cool.

Yeah, I'm serious.

Would you wanna

maybe help me take
some pics? [chuckles]

Come by the garage after school.

I'll try not to puke.

[upbeat music]

My plan was set in motion.

But while I took a step forward,

Principal Durbin was
about to be on his heels.

Care to explain yourself, Durbs?

I found these on my desk
signed, "Your loving Ralph."

Please tell me you
didn't actually

make this strange,
sentimental gesture.

Of course not.

I've never had the
confidence to ask anyone out.

I've only ever been asked
out. It's happened twice.

My now ex-wife

and a very aggressive
sex worker in Havana.

Hmm, I don't think that's
getting "asked out."

Well, if Ralph didn't send it

then who the heck did?

[quirky music]

Sneaky little devils.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like everyone else
has figured out who it is.

These students think
they can meddle

with the complicated
emotional lives of adults?

It's time to teach
them a lesson.

- Helen.
- Yes.

Get ready for the
"Parent Trap" protocol.

Nope, that's
carry-out menus. Ah.

[twangy guitar music]

♪ ♪

Okay, gimme bad Victor.

Okay, uh, uh, come on, come on.

Just say some badass stuff.

One time I k*lled a baby
bird with a basketball.

I thought we were never gonna
talk about that ever again.

Uh, sorry.

I could do something else.

I could do little air bites.

- What?
- It's a thing.

In order to look
good in pictures,

you bite the air and then smile.

These are supposed
to be sexy, right?

Yeah.

Then look sexy.

Let me just toss this.

This one's actually pretty good.

[gentle acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪

So, um,

are you gonna send
these to somebody?

Yep, and I already
have the number

saved in my phone.

I should probably
ask first, though.

I'm pretty sure she'll say yes.

I had a whole
conversation with my mom,

and she encouraged me to
err on the side of caution.

- Mm-hmm.
- [laughs]

"Dear Ashley and Amanda.

"It's Victor from German
class study group.

"Guten tag!

Mind if I send some
titillating photos?"

[chuckles] [phone chimes]

Victor, are you sure
you want to do that?

- They said, "Hell, ja!"
- [laughs]

It's a bit of a German joke.

Oh, my God, wow, wow!

I mean, I don't wanna do a
full "Sliding Doors" here,

but this could be the moment
that changes everything.

Ashley's dad has a
cabin at Devil's Lake.

Sounds fun.

Probably way better than
hanging out with me.

Okay.

This is the moment of truth.

Should I send it?

Sure. Go for it.

Hey, Gwen,

you're a great friend.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

In high school, the
changes come fast.

And this high school boy
was on the verge of becoming

a high school man, for
lack of a better term.

Okay, so I don't want
you guys falling apart

when you're grilled
on your backstories,

so, uh, tell me who you are. Go.

- Elizabeth Wallydrag.
- Scribe I be.

Okay, go.

The villagers call
me Slow Jeffery,

but this fog of simplicity

is a fallacy of my own creation.

I'm truly Lord Hensley,
the long lost son

of the one true King Rodrigo,

and I shall bring my
enemies to their knees

with my angelic voice.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- Okay, great, yeah.
- Lots of detail there.

Nice. Very good work.

Um, Anthony, do make sure that

you are also doing homework
for other classes, okay?

I'm really enjoying this
mission, Mr. Griffin.

- [phone chimes]
- Oh, I can tell.

Mm, the snakes are
here a day early.

Okay, well, I'm
gonna go grab these.

Guys, work on your Elizabethan
accents, all right?

Victor, I heard a rumor you
became a man last night.

I sent some sensual
photos to Ashlanda.

I thought I smelled
some heat on you.

That is next level, Victor.

Ashlanda do in-person
physical sexting,

AKA sex.

Isn't that right, Dan?

Yeah, yeah, it has
been known to happen.

- [phone chimes]
- Oh, my God!

I just got a full-on invitation

to hang out with
Ashlanda after school.

Two words, dude. Dental dam.

You don't want to end
up like Michael Douglas.

Guys, I got a... I got a
quick question for you.

How much are you supposed
to tip a snake handler?

Google says 20%,
but I gotta say,

that feels high, you know,

especially for a guy who
just sort of has snakes.

Whatever, I'll
figure it out. Um.

Okay, who have we gotten so far?

I've got you, got you,
we're skipping Marcus.

- Perchance...
- Mm...

Thou hast not yet met
the fool for money,

Jeremiah the Jester.

Yeah, no, I don't
like any of that.

I'm gonna need you to switch
over to nameless dung-monger.

Okay, all right.
Good enough for now.

Now, guys, I need these
snakes to be alive tomorrow,

so I need everybody
to take a snake home.

Yeah. I need everyone to line up

and take a snake
home with you, okay?

While I was getting everything

I'd hoped for, Anthony and Grace

were about to get more
than they bargained for.

Ralph, that letter changed me.

I've never said this
before, but love rocks.

You make me want to
be a better principal.

Mm, mm, mm, ah!

Oh, Ralph. Mm.

Mm, Ms. Wagner,
such good kissing.

- Who should we do next?
- Coach and the lunch lady?

Coach has to learn to
love himself first.

I can't wait to make
you Mrs. Ralph Durbin.

Mrs. Ralph Durbin? Damn.

I can't even keep my
first or last name?

Screw that.

How about you be
Mr. Mary Wagner?

And if you say no,
you hate women.

[quirky music]

Oh, Ms. Duncan, no, he's
in a very private meeting.

I'm sorry, sir. She
just blew right past me.

[whispering] You guys are
doing great. You're k*lling it.

Ralph, you have a lot of nerve,

cheating with my best friend

when I'm pregnant
with our love child.

[glass shatters]

No! My vase.

[glass shatters]

No! My terrarium.

[glass shatters]

No, my drinking glass
for holding water.

No, Mrs. Jones, I'm
gonna have to ask you

to sit, please, and wait.

I'm sorry, sir.

Hey, unrelated, next Friday
can I get off a little early?

I have a mammo.

Okay.

My husband never gave me
Takis, fun or full-size.

I'm done with him.

I need a Takis man,
and, Durbin, that's you!

- Are you calling your husband?
- Don't bother. Durbin's mine!

Keith, it's your wife.

I want a divorce. Get
your things and get out.

- [glass shatters]
- [gasps]

- Mary! Is that a glass shard?
- Put that down!

- Oh, my God, Mary.
- Mary, no! No!

Why did Durbin send
that damn, damn letter?

Now I'm gonna have
to call the FBI.

I know what we have to do.

Can I have Secret Agent
Applesauce, please?

Oh, classic Victor.

Only bringing dip to a party.

Next time I'll ask
if there are chips.

It's okay, Victor.

Obviously, the
point isn't to eat.

Maybe we should get
to the real point.

We have kind of an initiation
when new people come to hang,

but you probably
don't want to do it.

Mm. Mm-mm.

What is it?

Well, you don't wanna dance
for us, do you, Victor?

Vic, you don't gotta do
anything you don't wanna do.

[electronic music]
Come on. It'll be fun.

Oh, my goodness.

Whoo!

- Strip!
- Whoo!

- Take it all off.
- Take it all off.

Whoo-ee!

[all shouting]

Oh, my God. Whoo!

- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo!

- Oh, my God. You look so hot.
- There we go.

- You're a god, Victor.
- Oh, yeah.

That's what I like to see.

- No. Hey, Victor.
- That... that's enough!

That's enough. That...
that... that's enough!

Okay? They're just
messing with you, Vic.

You should just... You
should just go home, man.

Dan, you're no fun.

Thank you so much for having me.

I had a lovely evening.

And, uh, please, thank
your mother for the sodas.

And when Madison gets
out of the bathroom,

would you, uh, let
her know I say, "Bye."

And just like that,

I knew exactly who
Victor Kozlowski was.

An idiot.

[soft rock music]

♪ I was all alone ♪

♪ Felt so contagious ♪

♪ Flat broke and 17 ♪

♪ Rip out the pages ♪

How was the party?

Was everyone blown away by
how cool and sexy you are?

Did you know they invited me
there just to make fun of me?

Like you care what I think?

You should have stopped me
from sending that photo.

It was humiliating.

♪ ♪

Here.

You left this at my place.

And, um...

Here's mine.

I'm sorry you couldn't spend
your summer at Devil's Lake.

♪ People don't change ♪

♪ Toxic waste ♪

♪ Push you away ♪

[engine revving]

♪ Without you baby ♪

♪ Without you baby ♪

[sobbing]

Durbin is dead,

and it's all my fault!

[sobbing]

Okay, and just to
recap, Durbin is dead.

I find the body, blame you,
then violently break your neck,

which sounds like...

[horse whinnies]

I'll get it right when we do it.

It's gonna be tight.
It's gonna be tight.

- Oh, oh, places, places.
- Places, Places.

[quirky music]

Why didn't you answer
my calls last night?

We hurt our favorite
adults, and the guilt

is too much to bear.

I was downtown trying meth.

Are you fully addicted?

Permanently so.

[gasps] My teeth!

- Oh, no! No!
- Oh, my God.

No, you need those
for biting! Oh, no!

You've gotta be careful,
you've gotta put them...

You gotta hydrate them
to keep them alive.

Are these Chiclets?

And so endeth our little play.

I see what's going on here.

We've got a couple Susan
Luccis on our hands.

Mm-hmm.

The Lucci-ers have
become the Lucci-ees.

Okay, well, then, I
guess there's a lesson

to be learned here,

which I guess is, don't
teach each other lessons

using incredibly
realistic acting?

[all murmuring]

Michelle.

Keith, what are you doing here?

You're right.

You deserve to be
treated like a queen.

I took the "His" bath towels.
You can have the "Hers."

[gasps] Oh, gosh!

I forgot to tell you
that that call was...

Was just unbelievably
realistic acting.

Oh, good.

I was really, really scared.

I didn't like that at all.

I didn't like that at all.

I didn't like that at all.

- Oh, okay. Okay.
- I didn't like that.

- I didn't like that at all.
- Oh, poor baby.

While everyone else was
figuring things out,

I was still confused as ever.

Who am I?

♪ In your face ♪

A boy?

♪ What would you do? ♪

A man?

♪ ♪

♪ What if I fell ♪

Am I even Victor anymore?

♪ Couldn't take this anymore ♪

Do I even wanna be?

♪ What would you do, do, do? ♪

♪ Come break me down ♪

♪ Bury me, bury me ♪

♪ I am finished with you ♪

Well, uh, guys, I thought

that actually went
pretty well, you know,

with one minor hiccup.

My pediatrician says this is
actually a pretty big hiccup.

I was actually
referring to the fact

that I got put in stocks.

Victor, you were
supposed to get the key

from Sir Kennylwait,
AKA Fat Doug.

What happened, man?
You let us down.

Who haven't I let down?

My life is hell, and
I'm about to bust.

[gentle guitar music]

Uh, can somebody
get me out of these?

♪ ♪

Okay, Victor, bust.
What happened?

I made a fool of myself
in front of Ashlanda,

I ruined everything with Gwen,

and I brought creamy dip

to a make-out party
like an idiot.

I got us your bowl, Vic.

Gwen is the girl who's
constantly bringing you

news about your retainer

and clearly has a thing for you?

No, she doesn't feel
that way about me.

All right, listen, Victor,
this is one of those

classic situations where
the supportive best friend

is actually totally
in love with you,

but because of her overalls
and masculine hobbies,

you're just too dumb to see it.

Now this goes for everybody.

Don't try to date
someone popular.

It's just never gonna
work out for you.

You know what I mean?
Except for Dan, of course.

Everybody knows
that these speeches

don't apply to Dan, right? Yeah.

Now, listen, at this age,

if somebody is willing
to spend time with you,

they're almost certainly
in love with you,

so what are you
waiting for, Victor?

If you have similar
feelings, go tell her.

[gentle piano music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ If you find yourself
caught in love ♪

♪ Say a prayer to
the man above ♪

♪ Thank him for
everything you know ♪

♪ You should thank him for
every breath you blow ♪

♪ If you find yourself
caught in love ♪

♪ Say a prayer to
the man above ♪

♪ Thank him for
every day you pass ♪

♪ You should thank him for
saving your sorry a*s ♪

Permission to send a sexy photo.

♪ But looking out ♪

♪ You must raise your
prayer to a shout ♪

Granted.

♪ Another partner
must be found ♪

♪ Someone to take
your life beyond ♪

♪ Another TV "I Love 1999" ♪

♪ Just one more box
of cheapo wine ♪

♪ ♪

What took you so long?

Sometimes love needs
a little nudge.

♪ To the man above ♪

♪ But if you don't listen ♪

Boy or man, I knew one thing.

Life would never
be the same for me.

Gwen and I were
entering something new.

Something exciting.

If I had to define
it, I'd call it love,

for lack of a better term.

♪ Is written in
books from long ago ♪

♪ Give up your will to
him that loves you ♪

♪ Things will change ♪

♪ I'm not saying overnight ♪

♪ You've got to
start somewhere ♪