04x07 - Malachi

[bunniefuu]

[synth music]

♪ ♪

I remember when life
was more normal.

But then some guy
had to go and m*rder

my kid brother in cold blood.

[screams]

I did what anyone in my position

would do as a woman in the '70s.

I became a vigilante cop,

or tried to.

[panting]

Guess I didn't have the
right equipment in my pants.

[screams]

But I was able to become a
receptionist at the precinct.

[off-tune] ♪ Janet Fist ♪

♪ Vigilante receptionist ♪

[police radio chatter]

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Move.

Hey.

- You in charge here?
- Yeah.

Create a perimeter over
there. Move those people back.

- Janet Fist. Receptionist.
- This is my crime scene now.

Dissolve that perimeter.
Move those people back in.

Get them back up close.

Now I don't know who you think

[phone trilling] Ah.

Toledo Police, how may
I direct your call?

Transferring.

I'll take it from here.

- You can't kick the FBI out.
- You're just a receptionist.

Oh, I forgot to give
you your messages.

Your brother called.

- He's banging your wife.
- [gasps]

Hey, you. Gimme
your g*n real quick.

- Uh, okay.
- Just be really careful with it.

Yeah, yeah.

- [g*nsh*t]
- Ahh!

- That's what I thought.
- Arrest her. To hell.

[g*nshots] [people screaming]

[screams] [phone trilling]

Toledo Police, how may
I direct your call?

Oh, actually, the
county deals with that.

- [off-tune] ♪ Jane Fist ♪
- One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

♪ ♪

Ms. Miller's time off is
really working out for us.

I mean, I hate to root for
more back failure, but...

Yeah, if we're lucky,
she'll never walk again

and I'll get to sub forever.

[both laugh]

I think I took it too far.

- Yeah, that felt bad.
- Yeah.

Hey, you wanna do
your place tonight?

I was thinking we could
take a bowling ball

and toss it on your
memory foam mattress

and see if a glass
of wine falls over.

I've just... I've always
wanted to do that.

Ooh, that would normally
be a very big, "Yes."

But I have dinner with a
childhood friend tonight.

Oh, wow, childhood friend?

Very cool. I'd be
down to meet her.

- He, actually.
- His name is Malachi.

- [stammering] It's a he?
- Yeah.

No, I don't know
why I assumed she.

It's very, very normal for
you to have a childhood friend

that's male, you know,
or any gender, really.

- It's really not a big deal.
- You'll just be bored.

Oh, do... sorry,
do you not want me

to come to dinner with
you and this male friend?

[clears throat] Stop pushing.

No, no, you're more
than welcome to come.

I'm just saying, you'd
probably be bored.

Oh, gosh, I gotta go.

- Open input on this one, guys.
- Okay.

Don't crash your new
girlfriend's dinner.

Okay, well, I wouldn't
be crashing it, okay?

Because she clearly said that I
was more than welcome to come.

I mean, you know,
the wedding crashers

weren't more than welcome
to attend those weddings.

That would have been a
very different movie.

I'd still watch it.

For me, it's more about those
characters than the premise.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, see, down here is welcome.

You know, and here's
where I'm sitting.

All the way up here.
More than welcome.

Yeah, "More than welcome"

always means,
"Please don't come."

Yeah, right, like I'm gonna
take social advice from a guy

who's constantly boring
people with map facts.

People are interested to
know that the entire country

of Poland could fit
inside the state of Texas.

What? Oh!

You're awfully quiet
over there, Sarika.

Because I agree with Marcus.

Well, I agree, but what
do I know about women?

Nothing. Am I right?

You can laugh. It was
meant to be funny.

Look, Mr. Griffin, if
you attend this dinner,

then you're clearly feeling a
little threatened about Shayla

having an intimate evening
with her long-term male friend.

I'd actually forgotten
that he was a male friend

until you just said that
right now, you know.

And, guys, I bring a lot
to a dinner, all right?

I mean, if this dinner
had a title, it would be.

"Ivy League Love Interest Gets
Shown Off To Childhood Friend."

More like, "Kind Woman Tries
To Bond With Childhood Friend.

While Attention-Starved Man
Child Commandeers Evening."

Anthony, take a lap.

"Sounds like your girlfriend
is gonna love this dinner,"

said the guy with no girlfriend.

Please?

Guys, I doubled down to make
the earlier one less sad.

Mr. Griffin, if you go,
you may be putting Shayla

in the position to
explain inside jokes.

And that's

not ideal.

Whenever I'm around friends
sharing jokes I don't get,

I make sure to laugh
really hard like...

[laughs loudly]

It makes people
more comfortable.

Anyone wanna get this
train back on track?

The woman does not
want you there.

- Someone other than Yuyao?
- Boss, I've got it.

You go, and you drive
this dude insane

by never making
direct eye contact.

Just always stare at his
forehead like I'm doing now.

Oh, are you doing it now, to me?

Yeah. It's unnerving, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

The key is to go and not care.

Just like, "'Sup?"

"Nah, go on have that
little snack, girl.

You got a whole meal over here."

Yeah, and then the childhood
friend will be like,

"This guy is really cool."

And then the manager
will be like,

"You guys are so cool.

Everything's on
the house tonight."

And then they order,
like, a million apps.

And then Mr. Griffin
brings in the leftovers

for lunch tomorrow, but
he can't eat all those.

So then he throws
them in the trash.

Yeah, but we put a new
bag in the trash can.

So we're munching on
mozzarella sticks all day.

Nah, y'all just took what
I did and made it bad.

Guys, I'm not going to this
dinner out of jealousy, okay?

Or because I feel, like,
threatened in some way, okay?

It's not that, all right?

I'm organically permeating this
new layer of our relationship.

She hadn't invited me

to hang out with any of
her close friends yet.

And she still hasn't.

More than welcome!

[school bell rings]

And then he said his
job was top secret.

So you know what that
means. He's probably a...

- Serial k*ller.
- A food inspector.

[sobbing]

Oh, no. Helen, what's wrong?

It's Tanya. It's over.

She dumped me.

I can't, I'm so
stressed. And I'm so sad.

- And my hair is falling out.
- Oh.

Look.

[grunts]

- Oh.
- [screams]

Look at that. It just falls out.

- Wait, Helen. Tanya?
- Who you just started dating?

The love of my life for
the last four whole weeks.

Oh, I would love it if
you would slow down.

Okay.

[sobbing]

[snorts, sniffles]

I know that I haven't had
that long of a relationship,

but we were practically engaged.

- Okay.
- You know what you need, Helen?

You need a gurbs night.
That's girls plus Durbs.

Yes. You know, tonight we
celebrate independence.

Yes.

I'm a little surprised

you really wanted
to come tonight.

There are some things I
should prepare you for.

- You guys have slept together.
- I get it. It's cool.

I'm not threatened
in the least, okay?

I mean, you don't
need my permission

to have had a life
before me, so...

Yes, that's correct.

But if it helps, we
have never even kissed.

Oh, re... okay, well,
then, if anything,

I feel sorry that you missed out

on what could've been
a nice little kiss.

But seriously, you don't need
to prepare me for anything.

- I'm...
- Hey. Malachi.

Oh, hi. Jack.

I'm so [bleep]
pumped to meet you.

- Bring it in here, brother!
- [grunts]

God, I was so, I don't
know, like... like, nervous.

[both laugh]

Wow. I wasn't just
prepared for that.

I'm going over.

I'm going under.

[both laugh]

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

Okay, good. Yeah.

Uh, so tell me, Malachi,

how did you guys...
How did you guys meet?

You're joking, right?

Wait, did she not tell you?

We've both had crazy busy days

so I haven't been able

to fully fill him in
yet on all the deets.

- I see.
- You know what, actually,

I think it's entirely possible
that this is my fault.

My brain is like Swiss cheese

when it comes to remembering
little details like,

"How did these
people meet again?"

And like, "When is the
McRib coming back?" [laughs]


took a man's life.

I beat him to death
because I didn't like

the look on his face.

I was young and I was stupid.

And during my first year
at Toledo Correctional,

I received a bunch of letters
from local 6th graders.

I responded to the only
one who didn't seem like

she was just doing a
homework assignment,

Shayla Lorraine Howard.

[dramatic music]

And then you guys became,
like, pen pals or...

[laughs]

I see why you like
this mother[bleep].

Yeah, I'd say that's, like,
the understatement of the year.

There is no one on
God's green earth

that I know more deeply than
this angel sitting right there.

And I've heard enough
about this little dude

to make me puke.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

Can we get some
drinks over here?

What can I get you guys?

Merlot, please.

The lady knows what I want.

- Seagram's 7 and a RC Cola.
- And?

Hold the RC Cola.

[both laugh]

The lady also knows what I want.

Your most buttery Chardonnay?

- No, no.
- Well, don't write that down.

I'm not having that. I
don't... that was one time.

I actually will also have a
Seagram's 7 and the RC Cola,

but hold the Seagram's


and instead bring
me a Dewar's, neat.

[laughs] C'mon, get over here.

The handsome ones usually
aren't this funny.

- Muah! [Laughs]
- Muah!

- Even Stevens on the kisses.
- [laughing]

- [laughter, chatter]
- I know. I know.

I'm doing it.

- Yeah.
- I'm moving on.

I'm sitting, I'm smiling,
I'm admiring the candle.

I'm reaching into my pocket.

I'm texting Tanya. "I'm
nothing without you."

Let me see that.

- Give it to Stef, c'mon.
- Let me see that.

I'm changing her name to
her worst quality, okay?

That's what I do
for all my exes.

See, I've got "Weird
about grapes."

All right?

And there's "Won't stop
talking about his sister."

I'll just put "Bad Tanya."

Oh, I've got Professional
Mascot Badger,

Professional Mascot Beaver,
Amateur Mascot Horse.

Guess I had a phase. [Laughter]

Sweet tea.

Ooh, thank you.

- Pitcher of margarita.
- Thank you.

- Jealous.
- [overlapping chatter]

I'm very jealous of her.

- Oh, yeah, I'll start it off.
- I'm jealous.

- Okay, guys.
- It's Gurbs Night Put-ups time.

- Pa-pa-pa-pa!
- Mm!

Aww, yes.

Helen Henry Demarcus,
you are beautiful,

and you always have gum
and fresh a*s breath.

Wait, that came out wrong.
a*s fresh breath... breath?

- And you are strong.
- I've never seen a woman

catch so many Canadian
geese with her bare hands.

Yeah, that's right.

Not to mention, you have
a very powerful bite.

- And Ralph took mine.
- Come back to me.

[laughter]

Okay, chill.

Helen?

There's something
I wanna show you,

you little slice
of mincemeat pie.

This was my grandma's.

She wore it until the
day after she died.

And I want you to do the same.

And she just put a ring
on the waitress's finger.

- Boy.
- C'mon.

And they both just
entered the bathroom.

Because they both have
to go to the bathroom.

No, Michelle.

[gasps] Oh, I get it.

[laughs]

Well, when Shay Shay broke
her leg in high school

and had to quit the ski team,
she was pretty bummed out.

So I had my cellmate
break my finger.

And together we became

both: The Broken Bones
Brigade. [laughs]

- I love that.
- A permanent tattoo.

She drew it.

Jack, you have an
amazing woman here.

Well, Malachi, you're
an amazing guy.

- Go on with that snack girl.
- I'm a full meal.

- What was that, Jack?
- Oh, nothing.

I probably would have cut my
wrists with a toilet shard

if it weren't for her. You
know, it was your basic.

"Legends of the Fall" situation.

First, she was like
a little sister.

Next thing you know I'm like
Brad Pitt scalping Nazis

if anyone dared lay
a finger on her.

- Yeah, you know...
- [chuckles]

Technically he did that
because of his brother.

And they weren't Nazis, they
were just German soldiers but...

Well, someone knows a lot
about "Legends of the Fall."

- I do.
- Fine, Jack.

Maybe you do know more about
"Legends of the Fall" than me.

If you need that, it's fine.

Jesus Christ.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

I know the ring happened fast,

but when you know, you know.

Keith said he knew we were
destined to be together

the moment his brother
left me at the altar.

I don't know, y'all.

I don't think this Kylie
is a great listener.

I said I wanted tater
tots and not fries.

See, this is why I was worried
when she took our orders

without writing anything down.

I'm like, "What are
you trying to prove?"

Exactly. And she didn't
remember napkins either.

Did she expect me to eat
these ribs carefully?

- Yeah, I just don't get it.
- Like, how are they doing

what they're doing
in there, you know?

Like, what's the bed?

Okay, I've only had
sex in beds, okay?

There, I said it. I've
only had sex in beds.

Now you're... you're
the only ones who know.

[all chuckling]

- [both panting]
- Oh.

Whew!

Hey, I was gonna use that
for my birth control,

- but screw it.
- Thanks.

That was my water.

Where are my manners?

This is Kylie. She
is the air I breathe.

Air I breathe, these
are my work friends.

- Right. We met.
- Remember she told us

the special was ham
salad and we all went,

"Ew, that's not
special, that's nasty."

- Yeah.
- Remember?

You got a little
guac on your nose.

Then get it.

Excuse me. Air Helen Breathes,

can I please get a
little bit of water?

Sure. Sorry.

Is there anything else
that you guys need or?

I speak on behalf of all of us

that you are literally
all that we need.

Yeah, sure, you, and also,
can we get a few napkins?

I feel bad using Stef's coat.

Oh, uh-uh.

Helen, I feel it is my
responsibility to say

that you seem to be
moving kind of fast

and maybe headed towards
the same mistakes

that you made with Tanya.

- Yeah.
- You guys don't know me.

She's been there for me
in ways y'all never have.

Helen, she hasn't even been
there to get you a fork.

This is how I
always eat chicken.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

You don't have to watch.

You know what? Forget you guys.

[grunts]

[laughter]

Jack, do you realize how
special this woman is?

She taught me sign language.

- Through the mail?
- I had a deaf cellmate.

Made it so I could
talk to someone.

Oh, show him the sign
that you made up, Chi.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Let me see it.

Okay, yeah.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, that's cool.
- What does that mean?

It represents an emotion

that the English language
does not have a word for...

When you want something
but you can't have it.

Oh, well, you know, just
off the top of my head

there's unobtainable,
elusive, ungettable...

Gift time.

- Right.
- You said you brought a present.

[clears throat]

Chi,

I can see you worked really hard

and put a lot of
thought into this,

but this makes me uncomfortable.

You know that though, don't you?

You normally give me beautiful
drawings like those tall ships.

Is this some sort of power move

because you knew that
Jack was gonna be here?

- Can I see it, please?
- Just real quick.

Excuse me, sir. Could
you do me a big favor?

Could you throw this in
your filthiest garbage can?

- Yeah, okay.
- I'll definitely do that.

I'm bouncing.

You two will probably have
more fun without me anyway.

I knew having the two of you
meet would be a disaster.

That's why I told
you not to come.

You told me not to come?

You said I was
more than welcome.

That means don't come.

[sighs]

That's what Marcus said.

[soft music]

[sighs]

I'm really sorry he
left because of me.

- He's at the host stand.
- What?

Oh.

You know what? I'll
go talk to him.

- Go ahead.
- You're more than welcome.

♪ ♪

Okay.

Hey, bud, you might
wanna slow down on those.

We still have dessert.

Life hack, free
mints are dessert.

Oh, okay. Well, hey, listen,

you know, if you
want something else,

we did just order a big brownie.

Shay Shay and I always
order the apple pie.

Oh?

All right, well, hey, if
you guys want apple pie,

I'm not gonna stand in the way.

Hey, what was she talking
about with the tall ships?

- What, my drawings?
- Yeah.

I mean, I have pictures.

- Can I see 'em?
- Oh.

[clears throat] Okay.

Well, this tall ship there's
a shark coming straight at it.

You can't see it
'cause it's underwater,

but, I mean, I know it's there.

Oh, no, no, no.

I know it's there too because
of how scared the sailors look.

Yeah, that's really
good, man. Wow.

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

I am truly sorry
about the drawing.

It sucked.

Thanks, Malachi.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

- Good job on the hands.
- Incredibly realistic.

Hands are not easy to
draw. [both chuckle]

You know, Malachi, we should
do this again some time.

Golly gee, do you
really mean it?

[tense music]

[burps]

I was kind of asking for real.

I was just protecting
myself with sarcasm.

Oh, okay. Well, yes, for real.

Yeah, that would
be cool with me.

Quick, choose between us!

- What do you mean?
- One lives, one dies.

Who's it gonna be? Just a game.

Oh, God. One lives, one dies.

Well, I mean, I guess I
gotta go with Shayla to live.

- [bleep].
- Oh.

- No, no, I'm fine.
- I'm fine. I'm fine.

You and I just met tonight.

Plus, we're dating.

Right. Stupid.

Probably wasn't
even a fun debate.

Thank you for humoring me.

[chuckles] It's fine.

It's a very fun game.

[both chuckle]

[no inaudible speech]

Okay, I've narrowed it down
to a few non-bed places

that I wanna try sex:
A couch, a hot tub,

the ocean.

But the ocean, that's
more for making love.

All: Yeah.

- You wanna save it for that.
- Make it special.

It's over.

I got dumped by a fiancée for
the second time in one week.

Helen, I'm sorry.

- But you know what?
- You're gonna be okay.

Oh, hello, waitress.

Hello, ma'am.

Can I get you guys
anything else?

Yes. We need napkins.

We need ketchup.
We need more water.

And I need my
grandma's ring back.

I am gonna try the churro bites.

It's time to stop talking
about it and just... do it.

We'll get the check.

Will this be on one card?

[sighs] Or I could
split it five ways?

- That would be amazing.
- Could you?

- All right, you guys.
- Thank you.

- That's my card.
- Here we go. There we go.

- [overlapping chatter]
- I just... it keeps it nice.

- That was nice of her.
- [sighs]

I forgot how sweet she could be

with stuff like that sometimes.

I'm gonna go thank her.

♪ ♪

Ms. Fist, it's time
we had a little talk.

You have been way outta
your jurisdiction.

You're just a damn receptionist.

Now, hand over the g*n!

Hello, Mayor.

You're more than
welcome to have it.

[dramatic music]

To death.

To hell. [g*nsh*t]

♪ ♪

- [off-tune]
- ♪ She regrets every k*ll ♪

♪ Every single k*ll ♪

♪ She's Janet Fist ♪

♪ And she's trying her best ♪

♪ She's Janet Fist and
she's trying her best ♪

♪ She's trying her best ♪