04x08 - The Harvard Pen

[bunniefuu]

Oh, yes!

Look, there's a
new one of these.

- Your students' show?
- Yeah.

You love those little brainiacs.

I... I don't love them.

I love good content, okay?

I've said that a million times.

[person screaming]

Don't forget to write.

[suspenseful music]

- Those backstabbers.
- They betrayed me.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[tires squealing outside]

[car horn honking outside]

Hey, watch out!

But you don't need to
concern yourselves with that.

Let's see, I might be
forgetting something.

Uh, mentally
breaking my nemesis,

sex with everyone in California.

No, that was it.

Welcome to AP Bio.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

One, two, three, four!

Actually, wait.

One more thing.

This is my pen.

You cannot borrow my pen.

You cannot touch my pen.

It's mine.

If there were to be a fire
and I had to save one of you,

I would save the pen.

[intense music]

[metal scraping]

♪ ♪

This piece of sh*t.

[clears throat]

[timer ticking]

Yeah, I see it.

But I'm ignoring it.

I'm gonna take a


[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[alarm rings]

[sighs]

Man, that hit the spot.

Anyone else grab a snooze?

No?

[metal scraping]

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪

♪ ♪

[inquisitive music]

♪ ♪

Hey. You wanted to talk?

Listen, we've been hooking
up for, what, a month now?

Five weeks and two days, yeah.

I feel like this
is a summer thing.

I mean, we're at a point where

we can either get
serious and date

or decide that
we've learned enough

to not embarrass
ourselves sexually

in college and call it quits.

I'd say definitely
the first thing.

I love you.

I-I love you, Sarika.

Caleb, I was trying to say
we should call it quits.

[groans]

[groaning]

Um, this may not
be the best time,

but I do have a
nondisclosure agreement

I would love for you to sign.

It's very standard stuff.

It just says you can't discuss
our relationship at Whitlock,

Toledo, in perpetuity
throughout the universe.

[giggles]

[groans]

♪ ♪

Oh!

You gonna scuff my nude pump?

This is mine now.

Okay, this'll be perfect.

Now, what'd everyone bring
for their lunch roulette?

- And it'd better be good. Mary?
- Huh?

Oh, uh, I would go first,

but I want to see
what Helen's got.

Oh, well, I had some
time this morning,

so I just whipped up
some seared duck breast

in a balsamic reduction.

- Oh!
- Wow.

And I would've
made dessert, too,

if the duck had gone
down easier. [Laughs]

Helen, did you k*ll this
duck, like, this morning?

Well, yeah, I wasn't
gonna pan-fry it alive.

I'm not a psychopath.

Okay, well, I put together
a little French picnic.

I brought some of that Brie.

Ooh, bonjour, Monsieur Cheese.

- Some of that baguette.
- Bonjour, Monsieur Bread.

[women giggle]

- And some of them grapes.
- Oh, la, la!

C'est magnifique! Bon appétit!

Mary, are you overly flattering

my lunch roulette contribution

because you forgot
we were doing this?

What? I did not forget.

Lunch roulette
means a lot to me,

which is why I made

this fresh sandwich.

- We split that last week.
- [sighs]

- My turn.
- [clears throat]

For lunch roulette, I brought

one normal,
unadulterated banana.

Is this a rusty nail?

[scoffs] If it's roulette,

there's got to be one
b*llet to make it fun.

Whatever, you guys
suck. Let's just play.

- [women chuckle]
- Okay, I'm feeling lucky.

Come on, sandwich!

♪ ♪

Welp, had to confiscate this.

Inappropriate, also
patently false.

Ralph, you got to
hide that right now.

The superintendent's
gonna be here any moment.

- No.
- Okay, we have to nail this.

She's gonna keep hitting
us with monthly inspections

until we have an
incident-free visit.

Tell me she's not still
hung up on the time

that we let her
fall through a hole.

Well, that is 50% her fault
for walking and texting,

and it's 50% your fault

for covering the hole
with sticks and twigs.

Well, do you know a better
way to catch raccoons?

Yes.

- Good morning, Helen.
- Hi.

- That's Helen?
- We have a positive ID!

- Down!
- Eat linoleum, mother[bleep].

You're under arrest for m*rder.

- Okeydokey.
- I'll be back next month.

- I'm a hand model.
- I'm a prosthetic hand model.

Hundreds of people
have my hands.

My fingerprints end up
in the darndest places.

Did I k*ll a
Cambodian drug lord?

No. Did I steal a Rembrandt

from the Rijksmuseum
in Nederlands?

Nee. Nee. Not I, sir.

[tense music]

I'm good with that.

Yeah, sorry about
the trouble, ma'am.

- Yeah.
- Thank you, officers.

Good luck catching the m*rder*r.

I wish the superintendent had
been here for my exoneration.

He says, "I can come fix
your heater on Wednesday."

I says, "Oh, what a coincidence

that you'd come on hump day."

I'm telling you, this guy has
had a thing for me for years.

He says it's a
regular reminder call

about tomorrow's appointment.

I'm like, "Flirt much?

We just made the appointment
yesterday, you horn dog."

Well, anyway, this
guy's gonna...

You want to be paid
in Visa or smooches?

Visa?

Okay, okay, hold your horses.

God, I thought I
had it together.

Think he wants something,
he doesn't want it!

[bell ringing]

I says, "If you're
so uninterested,

why you leaving me a
refrigerator magnet?"

I got it right here.
You guys want to see it?

It's crazy.

♪ ♪

all: H-E-N...

- You're moving it.
- I'm not. I promise.

All: R-Y.

[all gasp]

- It spelled Henry.
- The spirit's name is Henry.

[all screaming]

[laughing]

Sorry to intrude,
ladies, but legally,

I have to inform you that
you have been pranked.

You did this?

But how did you get the
pointer thingy to move?

[dramatic musical sting]

Allow me to answer that.

Magnets and robotics.

But how did you get
it under the table?

[dramatic musical sting]

That's where I come in.

I placed the device that
was controlling the pen.

For once, being unremarkable
worked in my favor.

But how did you know that
we would be doing this?

This isn't even mine.
Marissa brought it.

- Don't look at me.
- I borrowed it from...

From Yuyao, yes.

I did not find that
game wrapped in chains

on the beach as I told you.

I lied, and you bought it.

But we only invited
Marissa yesterday

'cause Anthony couldn't come.

Oh, couldn't I?

Anthony, you were in on
it and you didn't tell me?

I'm just kidding. He
did tell me. I knew.

I knew, too. Victor paid
me ten bucks to play along.

I knew too. I'm the one who
built the robot for Eduardo.

- What about you, Heather?
- Of course I knew.

This is my house. I'm the
one who let Marcus in.

- All: Marcus?
- Marcus is here?

- Hey.
- [all gasp]

Yeah, I made the lights flicker.

Watch this.

Good, right?

[sighs]

Wait, if everyone was in on it

and no one was getting pranked,

then what are we even doing?

[inquisitive music]

♪ ♪

Okay, okay, so third
time's a charm.

All right, just don't trip.

- [all groan]
- I want this so bad.

When you get it,
I'm gonna explode.

- Let me try.
- Yeah.

- [alarm rings]
- [chuckles]

Did anyone see that?

Well, the sleep
pole's a huge success.

I was out. Good
first week, guys.

[bell rings]

Heather, I...

Dan, it's just... if you just...

[suspenseful music]

Where's my pen?

♪ ♪

There was a pen here.
Did you take it?

[laughs]

That thing is long
gone, brother.

This school finds
out what you love,

and it takes it
from you every time.

Well, I'm gonna find
out who took it.

Then there'll be hell to pay.

What's that?

I was, uh...

I wasn't talking to you.
I was doing a thing.

Oh. Carry on.

[tense music]

[inquisitive music]

♪ ♪

[animal chittering]

I can hear you running
around up there, Mr. Raccoon.

I'm just trying to get
you outside to the hole.

Come on.

Huh. I believe we've met.

[raccoon chitters]

Oh, you little...

You little sh*t, I got you.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, you said...

Could you please sign these
cards when you got a sec?

One is for Stef's baby shower,
and the other one's for Rhonda.

Oh, such a shame.

Ooh, sexy-a*s water man,

you put the jumbled
spelling of "man" in "damn."

So ripped and beautiful,
but you dumb, ain't ya?

Yeah, no rocket scientist

lugs stuff around
to make a living.

You're like a donkey.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I want to get with you,
big dumb donkey water man.

- Okay, just sign here.
- Last spot left.

It'll be nice for Rhonda
to see how much we care.

I tell you this, when
Keith goes, I'm...

[imitates g*nsh*t]

Hold up. Goes? Goes where?

Weren't you listening?

Rhonda's husband died. What
did you write on the card?

- I wrote "Yippee.
- You're back in the game.

Get some, X-X-X."

Feels like that would've
been better for Stef's card.

So the IRS needs
the money tomorrow,

and the best way
is to FedEx cash?

Okay, no, I... Yeah,
wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry. I need a
pen. I need a pen.

Thank you. Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

Your accent's really throwing
me... just slow down.

Well, I guess I
should've been suspicious

that the IRS had an
office in Bulgaria.

Okay, right. Well, so hang on.

If I send you $10,000,
you can get my money back?

Done and done. All right, bye.

- The superintendent is back.
- Oh, hey, how do I look?

Coconut crap.

Oh, damn it, Durbin!

Oh, God, oh, God,
what are we gonna do?

Okay, I got it. I'll k*ll her.

I meant I'll killher.

I meant I'll stall her.

Just tell her I'll
be right back, okay?

Tell her I'm
finishing a burrito.

No, not that. Something better.

- Quesadilla?
- Just stall her.

♪ ♪

Oh, damn! Ah!

Damn it, Durbin!

No, it's "2 Fast 2 Furious,"

so they're not
really family yet,

but they definitely
have each other's backs.

I'm in the ladies' room!

Damn it, Durbin.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, ah, Jack.

Hey, um, shot in the dark.

Uh, could I borrow
all your clothes?

Oh, sorry, bud,
well, I'm, you know,

kind of using my clothes.

Oh, yeah, well, how about um,
your cardigan as a diaper?

Ah, but then, you know,

my favorite sweater is a diaper.

Yeah, it's...

You're putting me
in a tough spot.

- I am. I am.
- You know, I had to try.

- Sure. Sure.
- Okay.

Here's your coffee,
you lucky duck.

I can't have coffee past
Monday, or I'll be up all week.

I am sorry I'm late.

I was... I was, um

finishing a burrito.

You said it was a quesadilla.

And school sucks a*s?

I would certainly not call this
an "incident-free inspection."

See you next month.

[mouthing words]

[toilet flushes]

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

[eerie ethereal whispering]

Okay, so this is probably
too big of a clue.

I'm Diego Rivera,
so Miss Wagner is...

Bert from "Sesame Street"?

No.

What famous artists
from history are we?

Here's another
clue... Bus accident.

Nothing? All right,
how about this?

Everyone write down a few ideas
of who you think it could be.

Dot, dot. Dash. Dash, dash.

Dot, dot. Dash.

Dash, dash, dash.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

That tapping is
driving me crazy.

Or as Frida Kahlo
would say, loco.

Anyone want to guess
why I brought her up?

[bell rings]

[inquisitive music]

♪ ♪

"Yippee. Get some, X-X-X"?

I know what X-X-X means.
I have gotten some.

Rhonda, I am so sorry.

I was looking at this
sexy water donkey...

Thinner. Thinner.

Uh...

♪ ♪

Dan Decker wants to
be in "Janet Fist"?

Oh, Caleb, you just got
bumped to corpse number two.

♪ Janet Fist ♪

[suspenseful music]

If you're lucky,
I'll let you live.

- [scoffs]
- Yeah, right, receptionist.

[laughing]

You know what's crazy?

You about to be buried under


[scoffs]

Send a little
receptionist to get me.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

[screaming]

♪ ♪

Don't forget to write.

♪ She hates when
people don't write ♪

Those backstabbers,
they betrayed me.

[tense music]

They took my pen.

♪ ♪

- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
- Shut up!

I need to talk to
you guys about this.

I think you have to plug it in.

Yeah, duh.

I know that, Eduardo.
I'm just... I'm so mad.

[sighs] All right.

Have you adjusted the inputs?

I... I'm too furious

for logistics
right now, Eduardo.

It's my pen, okay?

My pen that I begged
you guys not to touch.

It's been missing since
the first week of school.

And then, out of the
blue, I'm trying to enjoy

an episode of "Janet
Fist," and what do I see?

My pen.

You watch my web series?

Of course I watch... Guys, I...

For the millionth time,
I enjoy good content.

Now, I have two
questions for you all.

Who took my pen?
And give it to me.

You mean your Harvard pen?

No, my University
of Florida pen.

I mean, I hate to
slam you, Heather,

but, you know, that's
how angry I am.

It's fine.

Mistakes were made,

but as long as the pen's
okay, all is forgiven.

Um, it's not okay.

When Janet stopped
the orphanage fire,

it got broken,

and torched.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

You ruined it.

♪ ♪

You monsters ruined it.

We can definitely grab you
a new pen, Mr. Griffin.

It wasn't just a pen.

You know, I never
even went to college,

and somehow, here you are,

going to the best
college there is.

Oh, cheese and rice.

I almost forgot.

It's not much...

But I know you'll do
great things with it.

[sentimental music]

It's perfect.

She said, "I know you'll
do great things with it."

I was always planning
to use it to...

I don't know... sign the
mortgage on my beachfront mansion

next to fellow Nobel
Laureate Deepak Chopra.

Pretty sure Deepak Chopra
hasn't won a Nobel Prize.

Well, it's about
g*dd*mn time he does.

You know, there are
lots of great things

you could do with the pen
that I'm sure your mother

would be very proud of.

Well, I won't be doing
anything great with it now

because

it's gone.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

Well, here's a tip...

Never care about
anyone or anything,

and that includes dead
people and children.

- Jack?
- Yeah.

- The baby's coming.
- I'm gonna have a baby now.

Wha... Oh, God.

Uh, Dale, help clear
a place for Stef.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[suspenseful music]

- Not there!
- [groans]

[grunting]

[yelling]

- Dale!
- I don't know what I'm doing!

Okay, okay, all
right, listen, listen.

Look at me. Look
at me. We got this.

Let's get you over to the couch.

I'm gonna need more of these.

Oh, unworthy! [Shrieks]

Jack, I don't want to
have my baby like this.

Listen, I got you.

- Okay.
- Sit here. Here we go.

- Okay. Look at me.
- Okay.

Now, you took one of those
baby-having classes, right?

- Yeah.
- Oh, great.

So we're gonna do that,
okay? We can do that, right?

Okay.

I'll admit, you two do seem

to finally have this
school under control.

[yelling]

- Get out of here!
- Push! Push!

- Whoopsy-daisy!
- That's a closet.

Clearly, there is something
going on in there.

Either you show me, or
I'll be back next month.

- Well, see you then.
- Bye.

Oh, God.

Mr. Griffin, what have you done?

I have a go bag, Boss.

Whatever you need,
no questions asked.

We made this pen for you,

but if it makes you angry,
we can take it back.

[sentimental music]

♪ ♪

Wow.

Life is a miracle.

Each one of you is
a little miracle.

- [clears throat]
- Um, can you please just confirm

that you didn't
actually k*ll anyone?

Oh, they're gonna be fine.

They're on their
way to the hospital.

Now, I have something
to say to you,

and I want you to
listen very carefully.

This is my pen.

It's my pen.

No one can touch my pen.

It's mine.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, you guys,
I am so excited.

If this baby has chubby
elbows, I'm gonna pass out.

Me too, I love a chubby joint.

I just wish I could hold
her, but I'll lactate

'cause I was a wet nurse
during the Great Recession.

Yeah, I'm gonna
have to pass, too.

I mean, I-I like to wait

for the, you know, neck muscles
to come in, otherwise...

I'm excited to see her again.

This is my second time
hanging out with her.

- We're buds. Yeah.
- [laughs]

[all clamoring]

Look at my friend's
post-glow pregnancy.

Oh, nobody's rolling
the footage on my baby?

- I'ma go back and redo it.
- Come on.

What's her name?

Her name is Evelyn Jack Duncan.

- Oh!
- [squeals]

Will you make her name official?

- I'd be honored.
- Here's the birth certificate.

Ah, I, uh, have my own pen.

This is a really
cool thing, Jack.

I would go so far as to say

that it's a great thing.

- Oh, God.
- Here come the waterworks.

All: Aww.

Oh.

[heartwarming music]