01x11 - Double Bill

[bunniefuu]

oh no I can't walk help save me she's

going to kiss me H the kissing monster

strikes again no you B for like three

whole days over that well kissing's

scary

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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we were thinking a giving Steve a flea

bath this weekend flea bath well when

you put it that way you make it sound so

unappealing Steve needs it and we don't

have anything else to do Saturday

night H you two are hopeless if I was in

New York this weekend I'd be watching my

boyfriend's band hi Matt Carrie what are

you doing this

weekend another boring weekend what are

we supposed to do well maybe the guys

have a plan

alien Vortex true nothing but slime and

explosions no distracting block smashing

across theaters Nationwide this

weekend I think we should go about nine

times and holler crucial lines before

the actors do what a weekend be afraid

be very

afraid we definitely need real guys in

our lives yep

you know Chris there's this guy I know

from Camp his name is Scott we used to

call him cute Scott with great

teeth and on the last night at the all

camp we slow danc twice and then no he

accidentally mashed his arm up against

my lip when he turned to

sneeze oh I

thought oh we traded numbers though

numbers huh yeah hi Scott this is Becca

we met at Camp last summer friend and I

are seeing alien Vortex 2 on Saturday

and I was wondering if you join us you

would okay bye how did I sound that was

perfect I could never do it that

well maybe we should just forget it no

you'll be fine just act

natural

okay Christine what are you doing hello

uh hello

hello hi Scott this is Becca who Fisher

from

Camp I played the fish and pollution the

musical you thought it was funny my last

name being Fisher in the part I play

being a fish

remember that stupid fish I

remember yeah um my friend and I are

seeing alien Vortex 2 Saturday afternoon

As the King's Way oh my

what oh and yeah um maybe perhaps um

yeah you haven't seen it

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too

friend okay you need somebody for your

friend too

right yeah sure perfect

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okay hello

now

what a wife for step girls recognizing

you need help a service I'm happy to

provide since I don't want you to look

bad just cuz you're social

rejects kidding so listen up these are

my five movie rules developed over hours

of firsthand experience number

one seeding if he's over there and

you're over here nothing's happening you

need to map it out on paper make a plan

number two snacks no hogging your own

popcorn share with good timing you just

might rev

Knuckles number

three

armrest random elbow touching is never

an accident the elbow is one of the most

sensitive parts of the whole

arm number four eye contact if he's

eyeing you more than the movie This is

is an excellent sign eye him back then

lean into

it and finally the look The

Kiss he looks at you you look at him he

looks at you and you look at him you him

you him you him oh we get

it and finally your lips touch fireworks

bird sing etc etc at the end

kissing somebody can you imagine what if

my heart actually

stops has that ever

happened guess it's not a bad way to

go back

up you in in

what alien Vortex too criminal space

crustation exiled on Earth forced to

wear head ripped off human beings after

his own head explodes cond Dr John

Donner Save the Planet 93 spanking

minutes in color PG-13 are you

in

um

Tucker you know we'd love to but um we

kind of have plans what where with

who with

um you know real guys

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sorry well how am I

Pinocchio what is real guy

anyway I mean is Roland nard a real guy

is my dad a real guy I mean are you a

real guy ow I mean we got to find these

real guys and figure out where they're

gone sit down hey sit sit we have to

take Steve I can't leave her in the

house she'll e all the aquarium

all the aquarium

gravel well um we'll take the dog

really you don't

mind Tucker you're a pal a real one or a

fake

one Steve Steve are are you a real dog

is this a real leash is this a real day

I can't

tell thanks you

guys uh I don't uh I don't get it

a genuine red blooded Christine and

Becca tracking device we better get

supplies cuz we're going real guy

hunting

yeah I never meant that Tucker's not

real I mean as far as friends go he's

just real as it

gets it's just that he doesn't make my

heart thump or my Palms

sweat unless he's embarrassing

me

do you see them

anywhere he's not

coming maybe he's changed since last

summer if that's him I want to go over

the seeding plant

again there he is oh he's

cute oh no I know that guy that that's

Scott the amazing human stain from C uh

it's my cousin it

snar snar as

well all right so uh should we get

going he's not a real guy he's a real

jerk you know I forgot my my wall and my

other pants oh oh it's okay I got

it girl there you

go

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wait

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what

wait to take wait

RIS devels

further did you see that I came to see

aliens not to sit beside them what are

you doing you know the seating plan okay

but you owe me

big get this now

Bo

go ahead go ahead you want to stay up

here

now get out here

man come

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on where's my dog with Miles she's fine

she better be look Becca really likes

this guy and if you're any kind of

friend you'll just disappear

okay okay everything is all right for

now I'll be back to reinforce the

windows and doors later but you'll be

all right for now

okay

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okay

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Steve you just can't go jumping all over

people on the theater that can't take

you anywhere I told you the popcorn was

salty you found the boy who smuggled in

the dog good work I managed to Corner

the mut in the restroom over here so no

need to thank me I'll just go back into

the theater and come on kid let's go get

my

napsack

you know who I

am you know the only thing I hate worse

than missing the first 5 minutes of a

movie sitting in a puddle no missing the

last 5

minutes did you see what happened in

there yeah yeah I did the spunky

reporter was just about to trick the

space crustation out of liquefying her

no not that if you saw what I saw you

would

just was best was so

Buy Tucker James why was my dog at the

movies well maybe she was trying to warn

someone about the company she was

keeping do I know that guy a friend of

yours right oh no just some guy from

school no Rebecca Sarah Fisher the girl

who put strain peas down my diapers

doesn't know me

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please Tucker just cut me a little bit

of slack okay it would mean a

lot I remember where I know that dork

from

C

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dork what was I supposed to do I mean

like I know the guy's a jerk so isn't it

my duty to tell her well now that

depends you think Becca's stupid no you

think she's got bad taste and friends no

you think she's a bad judge of character

in general okay fine if she likes him

there must be one small thing that I

don't see like uh germs you know you

were doing so well but uh I'm afraid

I'll have to deduct you for that last

part fine it's not of my business right

I'll just go

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apologize

hi um so are you going to Camp next

summer I think I might really don't you

think it was l

Tucker

I found this in her purse red flavored

nom nom you gonna eat something that's

not technically made of food are you

you're right what what are these made of

it's a Border Collie right you like dogs

yeah when I was a kid we had this

sheepdog it took me four walks and took

care of all our sheep I wonder which one

had more fleas um excuse me Scott I I

have two again you know when you go for

slushy too fast then it goes to your

head and it drills that hole between

your eyes

Scott was beginning to have that slushy

effect on me cute very cute in 1989's

juice but you can fix us um confident so

what's that for us like three five whoa

how one is fine but is it supposed to be

like you know when you be putting in the

fridge and it gets that skin it was your

first kiss

me from a summer camp last year you used

me as a bridge over mud creek used me as

a human or and human stepladder is any

of this ringing a bell anyway um I've

known Becca since forever

and she is top of the line I mean we're

talking museum-quality like Jesus going

anywhere okay BEC if you like this guy

then I guess my experience with him was

a fluke and I apologize about the movie

thing so from now on Becca I'm just

gonna stay out of your face so I hold

the applause because I know how mature

I'm being right now and it's not going

to become a habit

come on miles no I think I figured it

out it's 70% some sort of rubber

compound and 30% glue oh wow look what

time it is

I gotta go babysit we should do this

again sometime

oh that's right after school Friday oh

gee um Friday's the day I usually get

ready come on go somewhere right okay

this is it state your mind do what you

really feel don't back down fine

I'm an idiot hi Scott the suspect I

won't be able to meet you tomorrow sorry

but I'm having this horrible allergic

reaction to your personality

hello a second yeah I got nothing but

seconds for mr. popularity

rumor mill so say you're gonna go see

Scott again huh oh yeah romance rumors

googly eyes I mean what more could a

girl want right imagine a real guy I

mean not someone that like starts

bawling when you plant your lips on them

you were cute

you were also 5 it's no big deal we're

just going for a walk

well they expend you're really like this

guy huh

yeah yeah he's cute and has a great

sense of

hair good who's me wrong I mean just

because I think he's um

nope I won't even use words like

subhuman or mouth-breather I'm sure he's

just a really nice guy

right

you

did you see that seagull it just took

that guy's french fry and flew away

that's amazing

seen one do that before um what's that

poem about seagulls

there isn't an albatross anyway guys

look did I ever tell you that I'm dad

son I was captain of the rowing team

uh-huh you know it's funny they said

it's just mom then I grew like four

inches in one summer yeah that's amazing

last week's wrestling match i pulverize

this guy for another school Oh Christine

and I did some wrestling at school it's

funny no I'm really good you know and I

mean not just good but I mean like not

like you don't hate that guys good but I

mean like hey he is really good you know

hey you may not think badness is an

exciting sport but let me tell you I

make it exciting still was my idea to

make the weekend football games more

competitive you know yeah you know

unlike like that cuz I'm a really good

football player too yes come see me yeah

hey we'll make another date out of it

and maybe I'll score you touchdown would

you like that hmm bet you would

I bet like to see me take these guys

down I mean they don't even know what's

hitting them I just come on over rotten

stinking Sturge seems to be coming from

down there what are you doing out of

your hole you little jerk I'm out of

here okay but Becca I got a message for

you Steve's looking for you Steve uh-huh

who Steve Oh a friend he's big toothy oh

the hairy one but don't worry Scotty

some people say that Steve's bark is

worse than his bite um Scott maybe for

your own protection we shouldn't see

each other anymore ever

I'd really hate to see what Steve might

do to you

Steve my girls on you together I steal

your tiny brain and variate so how'd you

know to follow me

Oh real guys could just tell real guys

players in the actual glue or the or the

rubber itself I don't know maybe maybe

they dye it and it's in that huh yeah

you know I think these red ones are

supposed to taste like strawberries what

are the odds I don't care if I never

have a social life again I swear I will

never ever liked a guy again just

because I think he's cute

you