03x05 - Life Without Father

[bunniefuu]

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[Applause]

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look tired once you take a break

mom you're with us oh thank you very

much I wouldn't want to make the team

uneven well now you excuse me I have a

flock of game hens to stop Freddie can I

talk to you for a minute in the kitchen

sure I must warn you that I'm loath to

stick my hand inside there's one for

living creature mrs. cleaver as always

your kitchen is as sparkling as your

personality Oh Thank You Freddie

but now if you can stop spreading the

menorah for a moment we can talk about

your 16th birthday

Oh mrs. cleaver you really shouldn't

trouble yourself buy me an expensive

gift but if you simply have to you'll

find this list of sizes and preferred

colors might eliminate some of the

guesswork

no actually I was wondering what you had

planned for the day well there was some

talk of a party but that stopped my

father failed to approve the budget oh

well you got a look at it from his point

of view he paid top dollar for that new

motorcycle of his and until it's paid

off we're all gonna have to tighten our

belts an extra notch well I don't think

an important day in a young man's life

should go unnoticed would you mind if we

gave a little party for you here for

free absolutely give me if my voice

Quivers slightly it's just that nobody's

ever done anything this nice for me

before without an ulterior motive you

don't have to gush it's my pleasure

you've been a very good friend to Kip

and you know you can be a very nice boy

when you want to I don't care what

anybody says that Wally's a dirty player

yeah

your belly plays hard but fair mom you

always take this side hold it uncle

Wally cream dad yeah you don't realize

how lucky you are let's tightly to the

bosom of your family you want to stay

for dinner again

no you petting naysayer that woman in

there that angelic cookie cutter is

throwing me a birthday party your father

failed to approve the budget huh do you

know how good you got it

three generations sharing each other's

lives hopes and dreams me I've never

even seen my father naked come on

Freddie you know you're always putting

my family on a pedestal but really we're

not that much different than most

families

oh yeah you got a father and a

grandmother who are devoted to you and

me well you know about my father if I

ran into my grandfather on the street I

wouldn't even recognize him come on k*ll

I never met the man see you

I need the car not me all right

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a father and daughter washing the family

car Norman Rockwell's may be dead but

his spirit lives on pretty much forever

egg oh I love him sir it wasn't for this

unfortunate skin condition which privets

contact with detergents mr. cleaver

point you excused your adorable young

offspring so we could have two

proverbial man-to-man talk uh Kelly

honey why don't you go make us some

lemonade dad I think I'm getting a

little old for you to keep telling me to

get lost no okay but don't lend him any

money he still owes Oliver ten bucks but

chugging a whole can decide it without

burping what's on your mind Freddy

well mr. klieber I was hoping you could

furnish me with some information as to

why my grandfather and father haven't

spoken since Pete best was a member of

the Beatles have you asked your father

about this once during our family

vacation in the Grand Canyon well I was

lucky to find my way back home Oh

Freddie you know you and I are both

crazy about your dad which isn't to say

that he doesn't have his little quirks I

mean it can be difficult to get along

with stubborn insensitive cheap

insulting petty hockey annoying well we

keep going on like this rally point is

that your grandfather was never able to

overlook these little flaws and accept

your dad for the person he really is

did I say petty yeah you did your dad

tried but he could never be the person

his father wanted him to be then after a

while the only way you could get any

attention from him was by acting like a

real creep I guess by now it's become

second nature why are you suddenly so

interested in all this well your lovely

mother has offered to throw me a

birthday party well my grandfather must

be getting on in years what do you think

would happen if I invited the old geezer

well I think what you're trying to do is

very noble Freddie but I'm not sure it's

such a good idea to stir up the muck at

the bottom of the pond

snappy analogy mr. cleaver it's just

that if I could somehow facilitate it

coming to terms between George and

Edward Haskell there would be a greater

chance that me and my father would avoid

a similar fate hey I know why don't you

pop for one of these we can grab our old

ladies

slam down a few brews play hit the open

road sounds great but this weekend I

promised the old lady that I'd think

that tetherball Pole oh gee willikers

maybe after that mom will let you put

the thermometer in the roast

look I didn't come here to trade insults

with you Gertrud you're 40 minutes late

if I wanted a call like I would have

your pack be 1:00 in the morning

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I'm sorry you had to see this hallway

well I am too but listen I'm glad you're

both here as you know this Friday is

Freddie your son's birthday party and

Gertrude how long did you cook this

exactly the way you like it's 30 seconds

on each side just enough to k*ll the

bacteria how long well the nurse called

from Ballmer school and at minus date on

the barbecue a few extra seconds what

was it used for to do on our wedding day

in front of everyone we know promised to

take care of you in sickness and in

health that's right

now you heard her didn't you Wally well

I really couldn't say I couldn't hear

anything with girls parents crying so

loud

well you're just gonna have to live with

the shame of your broken boughs I listen

to any Freddie is getting to be a young

man now and young intend to question why

things are the way they are old ice cold

don't get enough of this in our bedroom

you know you listen to Wally or this

Saturday you're going to the hot tub

club alone again forgive me Wallace here

you are my best friend and I'm treating

you like my wife come on I'm listening

pal well anyway my mother was thinking

of having a party for Freddie and we all

thought it might be a good idea if we

invited your father you call yourself my

friend lumpy rutherford's more of a

friend than you'll ever be and he's an

idiot

look maybe who's the right to feel the

way you do but you can't force Freddie

to feel the same way but Nick Gert this

has nothing to do with you

Freddie's my son too no you're something

military school this one's mine think

about it how are you gonna look better

to your son by being a villain and

keeping him from eating his only

grandfather by giving him the

opportunity to meet the man himself and

make his own choices

Oh choices you want to talk about

choices what kind of choices did he give

me when he took Danny Paulino to the

World Series instead of me what kind of

choice did I get when I got a lifetime

of indifference no one time I really

needed him he washed his hands of me

there's no way he's coming to that party

all right all right fine be a stubborn

bullheaded fool don't let him come to

the party and maybe if you're lucky

Freddie you'll never speak to you again

then the two you can wind up just like

you and your father

I hate it when you're right

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any what are you doing we have to leave

in 10 minutes

don't you see him watching The

Flintstones I do not want to be late

this is one more Betty and Barney adopt

bamm-bamm Germany feelings

Edward Haskell you have no intention of

going to that party tonight do you

Hey pretty sharp Gert to think I only

married you for your body jump into that

shower shave put on your Sunday best

you promised Freddie so Eddie I know

you're afraid to see your father afraid

yeah I'm afraid that when I see him I'll

let reduce my booot des but no Eddie

make him see what a mistake he's made

show him how well you've done did you

forget to take your medication again I

want you to go to that party tonight

hold your head up high look him straight

in the eye and don't lie

don't exaggerate and don't don't do that

thing you always do what thing

hello mrs. cleaver my that's a lovely

dress you're wearing maybe you've done

very well all the other guys around here

wouldn't be anything without their

fathers helping them but look at you our

credit rating might not be up there with

the Carrington but you have your own

business a comfortable home young

bowling ball plus you have a devoted

wife two handsome sons one of whom loves

you and all of that without any more

father or anybody Kurt have I told you

lately that I love you no you haven't

remind me to do that sometime

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however it's so there we were right

we're soaking wet and wearing nothing

but our underwear when all of a sudden

you tell him Freddie this is Kirby what

thumb about the girls volleyball team

what volleyball team excuse us well you

have what is with you you begged me to

get you a date and then you totally

ignore her come on Freddie Leigh is not

just doing this for the money I think

she really likes you he's a keeper all

right it's just I'm trying to think that

what I've done is analogous to throwing

a rattlesnake in a cage with a mongoose

no one ever knows the result but is a

shirt of bloodshed there you are

birthday boy first

thanks mrs. cleaver but I don't think I

could hold anything down stop being such

a gloomy gasps go over there and talk to

your date come on you're pinger a lot of

money all right for hanging from the

rafters at the YMCA where you going all

hurt

they gave too many appetizers stomach's

k*lling me Oh call me when the cakes

ready sweet I mean missing your Lamaze

class reunion for Freddy's sake well

actually it wasn't my idea

Mary Ellen thought somebody should be

here who knows CPR what I don't think

you'll be much need the way Eddie flew

out of here to get more ice I don't

think he's coming back oh yeah I'll be

back he may not be too crazy about me

but he wouldn't do anything to

disappoint Freddy oh yeah well what

about Freddy's goldfish you don't

understand he was just trying to teach

the boy how important it is to be

careful with electricity

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[Laughter]

George Haskell come in June Cleaver oh

you look wonderful

you haven't changed a bit ah boys come

here hi mr. Howell I have to see him

again I see your name in the papers I

always knew you'd do well well thank you

very much you remember my brother don't

you sure

how could anyone forget the Gopher ah

that's beaver oh sorry

I'm not very good with stupid names come

on there's somebody here you'd like to

me Freddie I'd like you to meet your

grandfather pleasure to meet you sir

mine I had that's a handsome suit you're

wearing thank you

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what can I say sir I feel like a giddy

schoolgirl in an English novel sir would

you rather have me call you grams or

something in the nickname genre call me

George I'm nothing comfortable with you

yet very well George there's someone I'd

like you to meet it's very important to

me

I give cleaver not you this is my mother

gertrude Haskell pleased to meet you

well I'll say this for my son he's got

better taste than I ever gave him credit

for

ah I think you'll be surprised how

Eddie's changed yes I would be tell me

about yourself ready well let's see

George my favorite color is blue and my

hobbies include playing guitar trading

baseball cards and breeding poisonous

snakes hey you bought ice at the store

lately you pay for one bag you can take

as many as you want and no one notices

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good father oh come on you two

you haven't seen each other in over 20

years how about a nice hug

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now wasn't that nice come on let's all

go and have some pie

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everybody seems to be getting along fine

give him time championship bouts off you

know kicking around National Merit

Society that's wonderful Freddie bunch

of snobs

and what about sports are you on any

teams he's captain of a cross-country

team no kidding I was a miler in my day

really yeah but your father here well he

got his varsity letter all right but

only because he was a manager he was

never good at team sports it was always

too selfish

hey I just about forgot to give you your

present son 900 cubic centimeters of

birthday wishes the motorcycle for me

that's a very generous gift yeah that's

the way I am with my boys I just can't

do enough for Freddie and

what's-his-name and why not my business

is going through the roof Eddie remember

what we talked about I love pumpkin oh

why don't you go help mrs. King in the

kitchen it's hard to believe that you're

doing so well in the construction

business when you were a kid you

couldn't remember to put away a tool

you're still harping about that honest

workbench he painted an outline to show

where every tool hung once I forgot to

put a Phillips screwdriver back he acted

like I lost grandma's ashes again what's

so terrible about order discipline and

responsibility they're boring boring

yeah everything Lea that's her you

overpaid

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Oh waiter your father son father I

didn't need you then I don't need you

now I made it without you you got it Sam

please I talked to the family you owe

everyone money pinko liars round 15 you

don't have another bone in your body

yeah at least I don't got all my hair

get out of my way daddy Polly no did you

never took me to the circus or fishing I

was always afraid I throw you over horse

so instead you decided to make my life a

living hell

well thanks a lot hey listen to yourself

I can't believe that a father and son

would talk to each other this way he's

never been a father to me you know I've

never even seen the man naked and what

kind of son I can't remember one time

one time when you ever may be proud of

you how could I

nothing I ever did was good enough for

you if I got a B on a test you'd be mad

because I wasn't on a what did you ever

get a B on a test you're happy Freddie

is this what you wanted

hey there's still time to invite ed

Estelle the one to pull a knife on me

please if you two could just bump these

few emotional hurdles you don't get it

do you the man never cared about me

people who care never say that they

washed their hands of you you never gave

me a choice when the police called me

and told me what you did at the Denver

Zoo I was never so humiliated in my life

exactly what happened at the Denver Zoo

beaver

people make mistakes I never meant for

anything to happen to that yak oh

nothing was ever your fault

everybody in the world was wrong except

you not once did I ever see you take

responsibility for your actions that's

not true

I married Kirk tonight I don't know what

took me so long to wash my hands of you

excuse me George I'll be the first to

admit my father's not perfect I'm sure

he could be selfish

insincere anxious petty no help from the

peanut gallery yeah petty and many other

things but I'll tell you something

George I've done some pretty stupid

things in my young life after some of

them I'm sure my father wanted to wash

his hands of me when the chips are down

he's always come through

look I invited you here today in hopes

that maybe you two can make a fresh

start but if you're incapable of even

making an effort I'm gonna have to ask

you to leave

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here you go

it's pen and pencil set maybe you can

use it to write to me sometime

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I like to see the boys again please

thank your mother for inviting me

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I guess I was pretty naive well your

heart was in the right place come on

babe let's go get some punch

oh wait a minute exactly what happened

at the Denver Zoo you come on well son I

guess you know I've so screwed up yeah

well I never dreamed it a tournament

like this Freddie I've watched every

episode of The Twilight Zone and one

thing that I learned is it can't change

history they tried it lots of times

guess you can't change people either a

son if it's if it means anything to you

I don't think you and I could ever turn

out like three and now that guy that

gave you that cheap pen and pencil set I

love you too much for that and your most

generous gift to the motorcycle you did

intend for me to keep it right I mean

you weren't just trying to impress your

father for you what do you think

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on the superstation discover some of the

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Quinn a friends in the Wild West torn

apart by revenge and family loyalty last

train from g*n Hill next on the

superstation

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