04x17 - Brother vs. Brother

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that's it class time's up pencils down -

papers to the front

Eisenhower was a jail before he became

president mr. Haskell what is that smell

Oh that'd be this gofer I'm doing a

little extra credit project for biology

that's admirable Ballmer but it would be

nice if you could direct some of that

enthusiasm to a subject other than

dissection I'll certainly make it effort

so how do you think you did hey Susie

how'd you turn your tests I think I aced

it better than I had hoped

what I'm sure you all heard about the

unfortunate fire that took place at Lake

Highland Academy so for the rest of the

semester we have a new student

please welcome Carrie Myers she's really

cute

hey cleaver scratch our plans I think

I'm gonna have my hands full this

afternoon right you'd have a chance with

her and you do look at it this way like

father like son

enough said

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his mother Kevin you bleep it Oliver

Kelly can't double up with me you and

Wally could have beavers room and a

beaver can move down into the gym Oh

June it seems like such an inconvenience

we can still get a room in a hotel while

the house is being fumigated I wouldn't

hear of it well if we're any trouble at

all just say so

Trumbo happy to be trouble your family

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are you sure my suitcase isn't too heavy

for you no no a hernia is a small price

to pay for you fixing me up with Gary Oh

girls like guys who are upfront and have

the courage to ask them out for

themselves great so you'll help me put

up with you but six months behind it now

this hey damn I'm getting you a $2,000

tent job for 1,200 bucks where's your

gratitude okay thank you for remodeling

my house with termite infested lumber

that was that so hard

look I want the job done fast I want it

done right and I'm not paying a dime

okay okay I'll take care of it in fact

it's in the bag okay Bugsy give him the

gas hey guys wait a minute I've no idea

Hey

- me almost only counts in horseshoes

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right everyone choose your cooking

partners and hopefully this time someone

will choose Erlin here's your chance

Olli P Kari wouldn't it be a bit obvious

Oliver you're a smart funny popular guy

just go ask her ain't pretty funny

alright

hey did I ever tell you what about the

Englishman just do it

I can't believe you missed another

chance

now just go over there and ask her out a

chance why not look a guy cannot ask a

girl out when he's wearing an apron

Carrie could you come here for a second

what'd you go and do that for what's up

Oliver don't you wanna ask Carrie

something yeah have you heard the one

about the Englishman in the podiatrist

yes that's not what I was hoping you'd

ask me I was hoping you wanted me to go

to the soda shop with you yeah that two

greats the actress the cool hey when you

got it you got

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Oliver you really don't have to care in

my team's hey who would carry the books

if someone is intelligent sensitive and

lovely is you however you know me so

well

oh go get us two sodas make that one

soda too strong hey Kerry and I are

sitting over here if you need me

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Oh in chocolate soda two straws when you

got it you've got it

Kelly I really owe you for this one I've

never felt so alive think I'll grow a

mustache

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no a good afternoon young maiden you

ever had the pleasure of meeting me yet

but my name's Ballmer Haskell I've heard

about you probably the condensed version

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wanna dance for starters

our parents will like each other my

father's divorced and her mother's

divorced hey double wedding well I gotta

go I miss her

it's like we breathe for each other

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hi hi good thanks

Bieber's favorite tastes good too it

needs a little more salt if you'd like

to help why don't you cut up the

vegetables for the salad and I'll go and

finish the lawn well I'd be glad to but

I put it all on the dryer before I went

to the store oh not my silk flow that

was silk and even though we've only

known each other for three and a half

hours I feel I can share this with you

have a seat my little passion flower

they call this reflexology an ancient

Chinese science it believes every part

of the body is linked to a nerve ending

in the foot this particular part

represents your liver embalmer

I see you're adapting to civilian life

better than we'd expected Carrie this is

my older and highly envious brother

Frederick my pleasure

if you two can take this clinic into

another wing I've got band practice

you're in a band yeah try not to faint

two children run along

oh and b*mber be sure to wash your hands

before making dinner

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hey boys

eenie meenie miney mo my truck gets

washed by this Schmo sir I'm

entertaining not to me go wash my truck

in the words of General Douglas

MacArthur

I shall return I'll be here so how long

have you been in a band since I found

out with those guys in menudo make are

those blonde highlights natural

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I want to talk to you about Carrie she's

got nice legs doesn't she you know what

I mean

April I never wanted anything to come

between us

but if I can learn to live with it so

can you man your grief yes I am but at

least I'm a creep with a girlfriend

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to my liver to my liver

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on high dad's 200th episode lookers

blowing in from the country dad survived

the invasion like Mike and mal the

locust brothers he found you love she is

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Wednesday June the body will bond

instantly to your skin

Tim's in a sticky situation he said it

wasn't a priority why was there a guy

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why the Australian Institute of Sport

and Kellogg developed sustained one last

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delicious grains fruit and nuts complex

carbohydrates fiber protein vitamins and

minerals control sugar low fat and low

salt the fuel for lasting energy and

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[Applause]

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Williams out now on hit pound

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you know I'm just anticipating

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these are men never closes

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bounty the taste of paradise afternoon

younger bro where's the little woman or

should I say the stolen little woman

she's out restringing my tennis racket

carries quite a girl tell me about it

I finally find someone interested in the

t*rture instruments of the sixteenth

century and you steal her away yeah

there's no hard feelings hey who do you

think you are dad a military school and

two men have a dispute over territorial

rights there's only one solution yeah I

don't know splitting her down the middle

seems a little barbaric defend yourself

you've got to be kidding I must warn you

I was champion at Vicksburg Academy for

five years on guard right and I must

warn you cheap

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this is for the time you ripped the eyes

off my teddy bear hey it was for your

own good

kids in military school shouldn't have

teddy bears

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now the battle is truly joined

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nine years hours away you send me one

lousy letter and what was in it

Teddy's eyes

not stop this sir

he accused me of stealing his wench did

you of course

chip off the old block but as a parent

it tears me up to see you settle a

problem like this dancing and prancing

like two little boys get outside

he beat the tar out of each other like

real man

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the newspaper yeah the first thing

that's pretty funny today huh

I wouldn't know have you seen the

business section oh whoops I guess it's

under the space shuttle here never mind

I'll watch the lake market report on the

news yeah it's SME street time Kevin

your uncle beavers watching something go

upstairs and watch it watch whatever you

want

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we are not paying any attention to you

you hear me

now listen this is no weight of a hand

camera or you please stop

mama I'm going to the office and do a

little table work okay

what time do you be home what time does

Kevin go to sleep Wow hi Freddie good

evening mrs. cleaver and may I say the

aroma of a well-cooked dinner still

permeates the room we had pizza Freddie

one do you care even pizza smells

homemade oh I'm returning some Eclipse

equipment where would you like it

ah buddy's room would be fine you got it

okay upstairs second door on the right

I'm sorry

mrs. cleaver this is Carrie Carrie the

stairs are through there and don't

doddle you still have to finish my term

paper did you want that single or double

spaced yeah try it both ways and I'll

take a look she's quite a little

workhorse isn't she she's gonna make

someone a wonderful wife someday Freddie

sit down you should be ashamed of

yourself

stealing your brother's girlfriend like

that I must object to that accusation

mrs. cleaver you know I'd never do

anything to bring pain or suffering in

my newly repatriated brother Oh Freddie

who are you trying to kid it's not your

fault you don't know how to treat a

brother you've never really had one

brother cellmates the relationship is

the same survival of the fittest farmer

needs you to show him the ropes to set

an example

look I'm sorry mrs. cleaver but we're

not like kipping ollie

I mean comparing us to the cleavers is

like comparing apples and hand grenades

girls come and go but a brother is a

brother for life I know you'd love each

other we do of course you do

I know how much you missed him all those

years he was way was cute when he was

little and he's still adorable in a

Haskell sort of way

look if you'd make the effort and try

and get to know him I'm sure before you

know it the two of you be just like just

like like brothers well that's a lovely

sentiment mrs. cleaver but other than

sharing the same sock drawer we really

don't have much in common

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candy what a pleasant surprise

hi Freddy I haven't seen you since the

video how's the band we're doing great

in fact I was thinking about writing a

song about you you would really write a

song about me

sure of course we got to spend a lot of

time together so I could get inspired

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Freyja finished our own paper I'm

Lillian Hellman

27 pages bibliography thanks good yeah I

was thinking about using a harp solo to

symbolize the gentle slope of your neck

there were 97 footnote nice job maybe

some jungle drums in the background to

represent the passion that swings within

your ample curves do you want me to

proofread this paper again or whip it up

and step it up you know

excuse me look I appreciate your

assistance but you're beginning

interfere with my personal life I

thought I was your personal life you you

you stop being so selfish

think of the bigger picture there's so

many of you but only one of me so each

of you get me but only for a short

period of time well your time is over

but I don't want it to be over this is

beginning to turn into a love-hate

relationship you love me and I'm

beginning to hate you until I showed you

up to my girlfriend well it's just not

to be so go on with your life and take

along these golden memories of me your

first love

by the way nice choice

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that's noon mama lovely day isn't it

silent treatment that's okay cuz all you

have to do is listen I've been thinking

no girl is worth fighting over with my

brother I've found to be a kinder

gentler Freddie that's why I dumped

Carrie you did well she meant the world

to me and it was an excruciating

sacrifice when you get right down to it

the girls come and go but a brother he's

a brother for life I misjudged you not

sure I believe you but I miss dead Steve

Ballmer we share the same name in the

same room but we're not really brothers

yet but it's not too late to start

trying you wouldn't lie to me would you

yes but not this title rather what is

this a creek freighter

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hey you better lock up your daughter's

the brothers Haskel are on the loose

hard to believe I was ready to dry my

saber through your larynx over some

little mass of flesh I'll be extremely

soft flesh any regrets we cut her loose

man I can't believe I ever wanted her

well would

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in family matters just when Steve

thought it was safe to yarn of a bank he

gets caught up in a not-so-friendly card

game here's where we're coming in a

poker face or a jugs best friend there's

only one thing that can stop him

grabbing the lutes but it's just you and

me nerd the surfer is wha when toyota

presents family matters 7:30 Thursday

followed by accomplice now those golden

years

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and they passed by on the other side

I've made him a punk but a certain

Samaritan what is a Samaritan anyway a

race of people in Jesus day different

customs a different way of looking at

things

saw his plight and went to help him okay

the Samaritan helps the stranded

traveler so that's how people should

behave now isn't that the message we

want to get across but it's not simply

what the Samaritan does it's the fact

that he belongs to a different race that

matters that's why making him a punk

doesn't bite deep enough well as far as

Australians are concerned who'd be the

modern Samaritan ah I've got it now I

think

whether you play support or follow the

game and it was that tap mark and the

kick that won them to go

nobody knows football like seven nightly

news

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good cornbread Thanks I made it in home

ACK

well as long as no one else has anything

to say I have a few things on my mind

here it comes now we've all been through

a very stressful time two families

living on top of each other getting in

each other's way there's bound to be

stress no no it's true there have been

times like Mary Ellen ruining my blouse

borrowed razors

roommates you snore Mary Ellen ruining

my soup but we made it without any

voices being raised without any tempers

flaring I think that says a whole lot

for our two families you know I think

you're right mom and speaking for the

visiting team I just want to say thanks

for having us three constable

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who says the American family is dead

yours is thriving as are those colonies

of termites next door what

miscalculation of Bugsy used enough gas

for 300 square feet instead of 3,000

you've got to be kidding but hey what's

another three days together when people

get along like you do good night and God

bless

three more days

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