05x10 - Cold w*r

[bunniefuu]

[ominous music]

♪

- It's not in me
to push myself

like I did in Patagonia.

I can't allow my body
to deteriorate again.

It is much more empowering

to take myself out
of the picture.

- I had an idea
to try and make a lure.

Come on.
Oh, [bleep].

My fishing game just took
a significant blow.

- I need to get this
food situation under control.

Without food,
I'm not gonna be able to last

as long as Vancouver Island.

- My bowels are still
not kicking anything out.

If I don't have
a bowel movement,

I won't get to win.

I won't get to provide
for my family.

[heavy breathing]

♪

male narrator: For the first
time ever on "Alone,"

ten past participants return.

♪

They've come back
with one goal:

redemption.

- I deserve to be here,
and I'm back.

- I want to win more this time
than I did last time.

narrator:
Now a fresh hell awaits...

- The cold is an incredibly
strong punch in the face.

narrator: In the punishing
wilderness of Mongolia.

- We're in the middle
of nowhere.

- Mongolia's
a very unforgiving land.

narrator: They must survive
in complete isolation,

enduring as long as they can.

- I'm just gonna push
and push and push

until there's nothing left.

narrator:
The last one standing wins.

♪

[tense music]

♪

- The water I boiled
last night...

solid chunk of ice.

I put it by the fire
and it thawed out enough

to take a little sip.

It's 30 outside.

It could swing

be so cold my fire will freeze.

♪

It's, like, no-joke cold.

Every time I lean,

and it pulls all my clothes
tight against my back,

I can feel that the cold
just seeps through every layer,

me just sitting here like this.

♪

Been kind of sleepy today.

♪

I won't attribute it
to lack of sleep.

I'll attribute it directly
to a low caloric intake.

That's to be expected when
I'm eating as little as I am.

I need all the protein
I can get.

♪

Let's make today

the first fish I've ever caught
when it's snowing.

♪

Is the water higher today?

♪

I can't get the good angle
on that cove.

Yesterday I could stand
over there.

♪

It's so high,
on the lip of my boot,

I got to move back
and change the spot.

I got to give myself a couple
inches from the top of my boot.

♪

See if I can get
further out there

if I walk up the shoreline
and then walk in.

♪

Stupid precipitation is ruining
my fishing spot a little bit.

♪

Standing in a freezing river
in the middle of winter.

My hands are cold.

♪

I don't know.

It's not for them not biting.

It's that I can't reach
where I know they are.

That's enough.

I can't reach the spots.

♪

That's frustrating.

I'm still trying
to stay focused and driven,

but it's just really hard.

Every day it gets harder.

Probably get used to this,
though.

I could have a lot of days
like this in my future.

♪

- Peek-a-boo.

Peek-a-boo.

I could be doing a whole lot
of that right now

with those kiddos at home.

My little girl loves
peek-a-boo.

♪

I've been worried
about my bowel movements

or lack thereof
so much

that it could result
in me tapping out,

because if I get
severe abdominal pain

and I don't tap out,

I could seriously ruin
my intestines,

but a glorious thing happened,

and my bowel issues
are resolved.

Now it's back to business.

♪

It's just a very cold,
dreary place,

and with all this, like,
cold around me,

I, uh--I just decided today
to prioritize firewood.

This place could snap
at any second,

and I could be
in a world of hurt.

♪

See the little snow flurries
around.

Definitely well, well,
well below freezing.

I'm guessing, like,

♪

And it is not that late
in the year.

Makes you wonder
how cold it's gonna be

on day 50, 60, 70.

♪

[saw scraping]

♪

Well, looks like that's all
I got laying around camp.

Got to go out
and find some more now.

♪

I've gone something
like a week

without any protein
at this point.

Like, I can feel the muscles
just wearing out

as the days go by.

I can feel my strength
giving way.

♪

If you haven't tapped into
a food source at this point,

your odds of just magically
finding something is very low.

♪

I tried to catch fish
out here,

and it wasn't working for me,

so if I didn't have several
pounds of emergency rations

still strapped to my frame
in the form of body fat,

I'd probably have issues
with that.

So a bit of my strategy

is to look down at my belly
if I ever feel real hungry,

see if I can pinch anything
down there,

and if I've still got
something to pinch,

that means there's still
a little bit of life

left in me,
and I'm gonna keep going.

♪

[woodpecker tapping]

- Good Lord,
that's a loud woodpecker.

[tapping continues]

God, I miss my family.

[melancholy music]

I'll see them here soon.

I wish my daughter could see
some of the things I've seen.

She'd have a blast too,
fishing,

fishing with my own
fishing pole.

I made that fishing pole.

♪

Just got to get my head right,

get focused,
start doing some stuff.

I'm gonna go looking around
for a nice piece of birch bark

that I can harvest...

That's a nice piece
right there.

And just make
a pair of birch goggles,

which makes it so you can
go out into a snowy,

bright environment
without damaging your eyes.

♪

One eyeball is there.

One eyeball is there.

♪

Kind of measure it like that.

♪

Just like that.

♪

They don't look too bad.

I even got the nose part
pretty good.

These are--you know,
you're not gonna have

a great field of vision out
of these, but that's the point.

It narrows down
your field of vision

so the bright glare doesn't
come banging against your eyes

and give you snow blindness,

so the next time
it's sunny out,

I got me a rocking pair of
shades, baby.

You know you want a pair.

Ay!

[wind whistling]

I just want to do stuff
with people, man.

I want somebody to talk to.

I want somebody
to interact with.

♪

It gets really lonely
just sharing the experiences

just with yourself.

I want to talk to somebody
and say,

"Dude, did you hear
that elk call?

"That's so cool.

"Dude, did you hear the wolves?

"That's so cool.

"Do you see the mountain?
It's so beautiful.

"Did you see the sunrise
this morning?

It was beautiful."

I want someone to share
those experiences with.

This time I'm really
missing my family.

♪

[sighs]

Where the [bleep]
has the time gone?

[bleep], I was 18

Meeting my wife in high school.

♪

Running away.

Them years
it was just me and her,

not a damn care in the world,
man.

Not a care in the world.

God, we were fancy-free
and footloose, man.

Moving down south
and having two kids.

[voice breaking]
Cutting the cord on my baby boy

and my baby girl,
cutting the cords,

changing their diapers,

bottle feeding them.

♪

My son joined the air force.

He wanted to go see the world,

and my daughter graduated.

She went off to college,
and it was empty.

It was really empty
in the house.

♪

It was really empty.

♪

[exhales sharply]

♪

[rain pattering]

♪

God almighty,
give me some [bleep] food.

This is terrible.

♪

[dramatic music]

♪

- I've been trying to think
of how to write a--

like, a little love note
to my wife

like how I did
on Vancouver Island,

how I said, "I love Rachael."

♪

This is how I've been feeling
ever since I launched

and especially today.

I love you, Rachael.

♪

I don't know how else
to say it.

♪

Right when I got back from
Vancouver Island,

I was a mess.

That's what my wife said.
She said I was a hot mess.

I didn't want to reintegrate
into society.

I couldn't be
in crowded places anymore.

It made me really twitchy.

I hated going to work again.

Rachael, this one
really made me realize

how much I miss you
and miss the family.

I think I'm healed now.

I think this healed me.

[crying]

♪

Oh, I didn't even think
of that.

I think this did heal me.
I think this trip healed me.

♪

I was such a mess
after Vancouver Island.

♪

I just didn't want life at all.

I didn't want anything.

Now I want it all.

I want it back again.

♪

Since I've been here,
I've realized

I truly deep down
need my family.

It's not a superficial need.

I need my family to survive,

but I'm conflicted 'cause
I know I could stay longer,

but it'd be t*rture
staying longer.

I want to go home.
I miss my family.

I miss the creature comforts
in life.

I'm done.

♪

[device beeps]

♪

Hello, this is Larry.

I'm ready for you guys
to come get me, man.

♪

Mongolia kind of slapped me
upside the head and said,

"Listen, you little moron.
You got a good job.

"You got an awesome wife.
You got fantastic kids.

Just stop moping around
and enjoy life."

I have just enjoyed
the experience

so much more than I did
on Vancouver Island,

and now I'm ready to go home,

and I've got fantastic people
in my life

that I want to keep close to,

and I don't want to leave them
ever again,

and that's what I learned
out here.

♪

I'm gonna remember
what it's like to starve.

I'm gonna remember
what it's like

to not be able to talk
to your friends

or talk to your wife,

but I'm also gonna remember
the blue sky,

the ice crystals on the trees.

I'm gonna remember
my fishing pole

and how I caught a lot of fish
on that.

I've gotten everything out
of this experience I can get.

I had the most pleasure,
the most discomfort

that helped teach myself
these lessons.

Vancouver Island broke me down
to just a shell of a person.

This time I am leaving
on my own terms.

It's okay to know
your limitations.

And it's okay,
I don't have to push myself

as hard as I pushed myself
my entire life.

I'm starting to realize that.

♪

[wind whistling]

♪

- Test, test.

Look. I'm totally not
dressed for this yet.

[laughs]

But look at this.

It snowed, like...

like, 5 inches of snow,

and you know when it's like--
when it's snow outside,

and it's kind of insulated,
so you're not cold,

you don't feel the cold 'cause
it's, like--I don't know.

Maybe I'm just pumped up,
but look at this.

Look at this.
[laughs]

This is awesome.

Mongolia, this is
what I was waiting for.

This is what I was waiting for,
Mongolia.

[humming a circus tune]

♪

I definitely need
to get my fire lit

because I need to get the snow
off the top of my shelter.

If it becomes too heavy
for my structure to hold,

it can totally cave in,

at which point
I don't know if I can recover

from something
as catastrophic as that.

So I am incredibly glad
that a while back

I changed out my birch rafters

and put in these
stick pine ones

because there's a lot
of snow on the roof.

At least it's evenly dispersed,

so I'll keep a nice, warm fire,

get all the snow melted
off my roof,

and, uh, yeah,
it'll be good.

I hear a drip, which is good.
It's melting.

♪

I've got to get firewood.

♪

If it goes from here
and gets colder,

it becomes a game of who can
endure the cold the longest.

It becomes very difficult to
try and maintain body warmth.

♪

I've been jumping over several
hurdles at the same time,

you know, and I can clear
the cold hurdle,

and I can clear
the alone hurdle,

and I can clear
the food hurdle,

but each of the hurdles are
getting a little bit higher.

The alone one snags my foot

every once in a while
and makes me stammer,

and the food one
does the same thing,

so each time
I'm trying to jump,

it just snags me
a little bit more.

Whew, the snow is deep,

and the drag on the sled
doesn't help.

Look at me taking a rest,
and I only walked 50 feet.

♪

Look how good
this snow is, though.

Oh, wow.
Look at that.

I just--look right down.

I mean, there's literally
tracks everywhere.

And now I can see where
some of the animals do it.

They're out here walking
all the time.

I mean,
I hear them howling, and...

♪

And oh!

Well, they came over here
and dug up all this.

Boar?

Bear?

Crazy.

♪

Look at this.

Damn near whole hill
is overturned.

I mean, that's a--
that's 10 feet across.

Oh, man.

Size 14,

and I'm just trying to imagine

the size and the strength
of the animal

that could be doing this
through the snow,

through the rock,
through the sand.

Big hoof tracks.

They are everywhere
out here at night,

and they are extremely close
to my shelter.

♪

[dramatic music]

♪

Tapped into a new
food resource.

Um...

This is, like,
the hidden gem of Mongolia.

So Mongolia actually has

virtually unlimited snow cones,

and it's free
in more than just one way.

There's no carbohydrates.
There's no calories.

You know, it's protein-free,
vitamin-free.

It's--it's free.

♪

Just got to remember
not to eat the lemon ones.

♪

I can't be timid around snow.

I can be actively trapping.

You can really start
to unwind the story

that the animals are telling
all through their tracks,

so the snow is
such a game-changer.

♪

So these tracks right here

are singing a little bit
of rabbit to me,

but I'm also seeing scat
and urination spots.

Those are all really good signs

that we've got some
animal activity.

Pretty good area to put a trap,

so I'm gonna look for
basically an area

with two trees
that are close enough together

that I can anchor an Athabascan
deadfall trap to.

♪

So the Athabascan
deadfall trap

can be as heavy
as you want it to be.

We want an instant k*ll trap,

so we need a lot of weight
holding it down.

That's nice and strong now.

So it's all anchored
off of this.

You need approximately
six times the body weight

of the animal in order
to make an effective k*ll.

As far as critters that
we're going after with this,

it's really anything
in the 5- to 20-pound range.

The animal steps right here.

Those are gonna push down
that trigger stick,

and it's gonna trigger it.

Whatever animal is there
is gonna get

a 200-pound log
right down on its back.

I think it's set up
pretty good.

Well, we'll check her
from time to time,

once every 24 hours,

and I'm just hoping
it'll catch me something.

It's just the most
frustrating thing,

because no matter
how hard I try,

the mental demons
definitely sneak in there,

and they tell you, "Hey,
there's other folks out here.

They're doing a lot better
than you,"

and that is a very,
very dark feeling.

♪

- There's a lot more activity

right around my camp at night
than I realized.

All right,
so after seeing those tracks...

I reset my spring snare
with fresh birch.

The hope is
that the animal comes in,

tugs on the bait.

It'll release that toggle,
pulling that up,

and the loop underneath
the animal will cinch tight,

and it'll go up with it.

Hopefully this'll bring
something.

I'd love to get some meat
on my plate.

♪

I love the snow.

♪

It's definitely turning me
into a bit of a kid.

I just wish I had my kid here
to play with me in it.

♪

I'm really missing my family.

I still think
about them constantly,

talk about them,
talk to them.

My family is my drive
out here.

That's all
that's keeping me going.

♪

If I was here for myself,
I wouldn't be here anymore.

♪

But it's hard to keep,
you know, upbeat

going through this
day in and day out,

the whole monotony of it all,

you know, never knowing
when it's gonna be over.

♪

Every day gets harder.

♪

[exhales]

Boy, that was cold.

But it's not about myself.

It's about my family's
well-being.

I'm here to win the money.

I want to be the last one
to be pulled out.

♪

[dramatic music]

♪

- So last night
it clicked in my head

that it's game on again
for me.

Like, I will be staying
for the long haul.

Just put right back
in my mind the necessity

in my particular world

to be a provider.

♪

As a man, as a husband,
as a father,

being a provider is the
number one priority for me,

and I'm gonna keep going
till they come get me,

basically, and say,
"Hey, buddy, you won."

If I can win this cashola...

♪

I'd say I've done
a pretty good job at providing,

for the time being at least.

♪

- I've said it before.

If I didn't have my family
at home,

there is no way
I'd still be here.

They are, right now,
just the sole driving force

behind everything
that I'm doing.

I keep thinking of all the
things I want to do for them,

how much stuff they deserve.

I mean, it'd be a tremendous
boost financially

to be the last person standing.

Long as I have them,
I can keep going.

♪

- There's really not
a whole lot of success

in any of the traps
that I've set.

♪

I'm starving.

Oh, my goodness,
am I starving.

♪

Like, I feel it now.

I just feel it burning
inside of me that I'm hungry.

The fact
that I haven't had protein,

my muscles are giving in.

It's a bad deal.

♪

- The weird thing
about starvation,

you're not even really
that hungry.

♪

I don't know if my brain
just knows I can't get it,

and my body has just
adjusted to me not getting it,

and what's disturbing
about that

is that's because my body
is just consuming itself,

but if my body can take it
and my brain can take it...

It's just so hard to imagine

fish biting on a day
like this.

This is--this is foolish.

♪

- It is getting freezing cold,

like, ridiculously,
ridiculously cold.

I can either adjust to it
or tap out,

and I'm not tapping out.

- I've been in bed
for over 17 hours,

and if you knew how cold
it was, you'd understand why.

It's getting to be
where all I want to do

is stay warm, stay still.

♪

- Obtaining food in this
environment is not something

that I'm really capable of
right now.

How long will I be able to go
without any food?

♪

- I didn't even open my door
yesterday.

I stayed in here all day.

Don't let the sound of my voice
and what I'm saying

make you think that I'm leaving

or going anywhere,
'cause I'm not.

I just--just don't have
motivation to do anything.

♪

- I miss my family.

I want to be home, but I just
got to keep telling myself,

"It's not your time to go yet.

It's not time."

- Definitely lonely today.

I want my family's
companionship

more than I want food.

I hope they realize
I'm doing this all for them.

♪

- Physically, I am exhausted.

You've done everything
you wanted to do out here.

You've tried everything
in your mind to get food

and mostly failed.

- I made it outside.

First time I've been outside
in four days,

first time I've put
my pants on in three,

but I'm still motivated.

I'm still here
for a purpose

and I still have fight left
in me.

♪

- At this point I'm not sure
how long I can go like this,

and I'll have to tell my wife,
my kids.

♪

I'll go,
"Daddy tried his best."

♪

"Couldn't do it."

♪

- I'm sorry and I'm not sorry,

but the remainder
of the footage

will probably look a lot
like this.

are becoming common.

As much as I'm trying
to keep my family in mind

and do it for them,

I'm starting to have thoughts
in my brain

that if my wife could see me
right now,

it would bring her to tears,

and she would beg me
to come home.

[wind whistling]

♪

[device beeping]

♪

[dramatic music]

♪

- Hi.

- How you doing?

- Uh...

I've been better.

I'm all right.
I'm just--I'm just beaten down.

I've--I've run all the tread
off of my tires,

and I'm sitting in there
looking at my shelter,

and I can't--I can't lay in
there another night by myself

and be freezing and hungry
and by myself and...

I just couldn't do it anymore.

I mean, I may have hit my
limit about a week or so ago,

but I just kept trying
to dig in

and think about
the goals I was here for,

and today I sunk to the low
I just didn't think

I could pull myself
back out of this time,

and I know what I really,
really need is waiting for me

on the other side of the world,

and I just really want
to get back to that.

♪

This is not how I saw myself
leaving,

but I'm not hanging my head
about anything.

I battled myself through
way further

than anybody thought I could.

I'm definitely not
the prototypical survivalist.

I'm that dude that sits
over in accounting

and does the spreadsheets.

I'm not the guy that goes out
in the wilderness for 56 days.

I achieved a great deal,
and I'm really proud of it.

♪

The hardest thing
about this experience was,

it's definitely
a battle of the mind.

I spent a whole lot of time
in Patagonia

breaking down interior walls.

That's the reason that
I got out of there quickly.

Mongolia enhanced
the way I was when I came,

so when I came here now,
I felt a lot more open.

I was a lot more open
in speaking.

I was a lot more open
in my feelings,

and in the end, where I look
at where I ended up,

I'm extremely happy.

I feel cleansed and new
and open

and ready to go back
to my family

and show them
a different type of love.

♪

- Moment of truth.

Oops.

Oh, yeah.

These babies are cruising.

♪

I made these snowshoes
so that when I wake up

and there's a ton of snow
on the ground,

I will have a way to get
around and gather firewood

even if it gets really,
really crummy.

So I--now I just
have to wait for the snow,

wait for multiple feet of snow
before I use them,

but they're ready to go.

Med checks are today
at some point,

but I honestly don't see
them medically pulling me

due to my weight.

I think I went in here
heavy enough

that that's probably
not gonna happen,

but you never know.

♪

I feel really kind of
uncomfortable in the fact

that I'll have to take off my
warm sweater and get weighed,

and I just am not very happy
about it.

♪

- All right.
- You're good.

- I know I've got
a long ways to go.

I know I'm not just slaying it
out here.

I'm very vulnerable,

and all I've got left
is this really hard, dark,

"push through the pain"
kind of time,

and I just want to get
through it.

Honestly,

you know, I'm ready to--
I'm ready to go

at this point, anytime.

Um, it's--

if this was just
a wilderness excursion,

just me, you know,
I'd left a little bit ago,

but I'm willing to push myself
to provide for my family.

[crying]

[sobbing]

I miss those kids a lot.

Like, I can...

I feel like I got a little bit
in me even without...

a lot of food
and all that, but...

yeah, protein has not been
there for me, but that's okay.

It's been, you know, a good
two weeks without protein,

but I just keep thinking,
like...

[sniffles]

♪

Oh, my God!

[sobs]

[dramatic music]

♪

- Hi, babe.
- Oh, my God!

- Hi.

- [sobbing]

- You did it.

- [sobbing]

♪

- You did it.

- [sobbing]

Oh, my gosh.

Oh. Oh.

- How are you feeling?

- Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, I had no idea it would
happen today.

Oh, yes!

All right, who has food?

Who has stinking food?

Which one of you guys
brought food with you?

Do you have food?
- Hi. No.

- Oh, where's the food?
- Sorry. Hi.

- [laughing]

Oh, we get to buy a house

and a new car that doesn't
break down all the time.

Has the car been running okay
for you guys?

- Yes.
- Okay, good.

Oh, gosh,
I can't believe it.

Oh, I am so thankful
to see you.

- Good.
- Oh, I love you so much.

- I love you.

- How are the kids doing?

- They're doing good.

- I just thought about
you guys the whole time,

and I just thought about,
like--man, I was like,

"Sydney's back home,
and she's with the kids,

"and she doesn't have
a tap-out button, you know?

"She can't just--
she can't just give up,

so I'm not just gonna give up,"
you know?

- You didn't.
- I can't believe it.

♪

- I want to see everything.

- All right, let's get up.

This is called a Athabascan
deadfall,

so animal basically steps on
here and just does that.

- Snap.

- Yeah, so you can set that
to take any--

you know, any size animal.

♪

This is where I live.
- Sam, this is awesome.

[laughs]
Oh, my gosh.

- See, I've got these
little notches on here

so I can adjust the heat
and make it hotter or,

you know, high,
medium, low type deal.

♪

I feel like
when I left Vancouver Island,

I was just angry at the place.

I was angry at the rain,

and I was just angry
at every little thing,

but in Mongolia, every time
I started my morning fire,

I felt grateful for the fire.

I was thankful for the trees
and the resources that I had.

I was just thankful
for every little, tiny thing

that came my way, and when
I had a thankful attitude,

it just taught me
to love the land

rather than look at what
it couldn't provide.

♪

When I go home,
the $500,000

is gonna be
a crazy change to my life.

Whoo!

♪

This was an opportunity for
personal redemption for me.

Coming out here set the reset
button on my life and

gave me a chance
to have my family

look at me as a provider
rather than someone

who's just barely getting by
all the time.

♪

[both exclaiming]

♪

- Isn't riding helicopters
through Mongolia, like,

pretty much the coolest thing
we've ever done?

- Yeah.

- This is like the honeymoon

we couldn't afford, you know?

- Totally.

♪

- We live in a world
of traffic lights

and smartphones.

It's very difficult
to actually think about

anything of substance,
but out here in the woods

it's basically all
you've got time to do.

You know,
what do I need to do

to be a better dad
when I go home?

What do I need to do
to be a better husband

and a better person to the
other people in my life?

♪

You're subjecting yourself

to an incredibly raw state
of humanity,

and when you get that raw,
it gives me strength.

I'm not afraid anymore to ask
myself hard questions,

and the best way to ask
yourself hard questions

is to put yourself in a place

where you can be
completely vulnerable,

and that only happens
when you're alone.