09x08 - Gut Feeling

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Holy [bleep]. Look at this.

That's a chunk of dock.

The universe has handed
a carpenter

a bunch of boards and nails.

Old dock door
and old moss house.

- [gasps] Oh, my God.
I got one.

Every frustrating day
something exciting happens.

I got a squirrel!

There's more to do, it seems.

Hodgepodge will get done

when Hodgepodge
is supposed to get done.

[chuckles]
It's within reach.

♪ ♪

- We got a squirrel, finally.

I couldn't do this
if it was just for me.

I want to do it
for the people

that I love at home.

And it's time for me

to stop trying
to be a good doctor.

I need to try
to be a better son.

- The thing right now is just
to finish the damn shelter.

[crashing]

Whoa! [bleep].

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my goodness.

- You could put yourself
in some serious risk.

I'm gonna have to extract you
for medical reasons.

[dramatic music]

- [voice breaking] So soon.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- I can't wait to have
this place try and break me.

narrator: For the first time
on "Alone,"

ten participants fight
to survive

in the hunting ground

of the world's
largest land predator.

- Oh, my God. Where'd he go?

Those are bear.

- I heard a big animal.

- Hey, bear.
- Oh, no. [bleep].

- Sometimes you eat the bear.

Sometimes the bear eats you.

narrator: Battling
merciless conditions...

- This is some
hard-core bushwhacking.

- Why does it have to be
such a struggle every night?

- I hit it. I hit it.
I hit it.

- I feel more alive
every day I'm out here.

- Ahh.

- Here comes the rain again.
- I have an oar.

- You're not gonna make
it easy for us, are you?

narrator:
In complete isolation...

- The most dangerous thing
out here is myself.

- Look at that!

- The cold ground
is just pulling

all the warmth from me.

- How many days can this go on?

- Very, very hungry.

- I feel like I'm
hitting a wall.

narrator:
Last one standing wins.

- It's only gonna get harder
the longer you stay out here.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Wow, black teeth.

♪ ♪

[laughs]

♪ ♪

I have a cast-iron pot.

And when I cook the berries,
the stringency in the berries

strips out all the seasoning.

So now I'm absorbing all that
iron into my fruit leather,

and my teeth
are turning black.

♪ ♪

So I'm gonna try and see

if I can get some tooth powder

out of this dead horsetail.

It may work, it may not,

but I'm gonna try
and powder it.

And, I mean,
it's worth a shot, right?

♪ ♪

I'm super freaking out.

Like, "Oh, my God.
I'm gonna look horrible on TV."

But look at this.

I'm trying to solve the problem
with what I've got.

♪ ♪

Look at that--
toothpaste powder.

♪ ♪

I think they're
turning white again.

Oh, my God.

[chuckles]

Oh, this is so awesome.

So awesome. Oh, my God.

That's the best thing
I've done.

All right.

Let's go down
and do some muskrat hunting.

♪ ♪

At this time of year,
the fishing dies off.

But while I'm fishing,

I've seen muskrats
going back and forth.

And the more I was
not getting fish,

the more I was
thinking to myself,

"How can I get a muskrat
with a bow and arrow

"without losing my arrow?

"He's gonna swim away,

and I'll lose the muskrat
and the arrow."

♪ ♪

So I'm thinking
that if I take my arrow

and get the bow ready

and tether the end
of the arrow

with my floating line,
which is attached to a reel,

then I could possibly
sh**t him

and then be able to retrieve
the arrow and a muskrat.

♪ ♪

I just don't want another day
to go by without a meal.

♪ ♪

It means a lot,

if I win
half a million dollars.

I just closed on some land,

and I'm wanting to build
a wilderness school there.

And so this money
would help me

to start living my dreams
of what I really want

to be doing
for the rest of my life.

♪ ♪

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[whispering] He's right there.

♪ ♪

[bleep].

He dove before
I could even get set.

[dramatic music]

[wind whistling]

♪ ♪

[fire crackles]

[exhaling deeply]

I was just sitting here
thinking about...

you know, if I wanted to call
in on an ancestor

right now to help me out,
who would I call?

And I thought,

my
great-great-great-grandfather

was a scout
on the Oregon Trail.

So I come from a long lineage
of a pioneering family.

All of our ancestors

had to hunt and gather
their food,

and just reflecting
on how they figured things out

and the mistakes they made

and...
[sighs]

The harshness.

And that was just
the way of life, you know?

They didn't go
to the grocery store.

So, yeah, I'm just...

♪ ♪

Really realizing this
right now.

Huh.

I'm not giving up
on the muskrats.

[wind whistling]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, man.

♪ ♪

[winces]

Day 42 was a rough one, y'all.

I really buggered up my back.

Whoa! [bleep].

[bleep].

That did not feel great.

And last night was a very long

and frustrating night

with very, very,
very little sleep.

♪ ♪

My body is ground down.

If I fall again
and mess something up,

with this back
being the way it is,

that's just gonna be it.

I'm throwing a Hail Mary
at the beaver.

If I can go down there,

if I can hobble
my busted a*s down there

and sh**t that beaver,

then I can hold up in this...

little house
for a couple of days...

and eat beaver and lay down

and rest my back.

We're gonna,
as they say in South Africa,

hold thumbs for that.

It's the South African
version of cross your fingers.

And just--

I think it's way better
because, you know,

it's like, when you really
want something to happen,

you're like, "Oh, come on."

So I'm gonna heat this tea up
from last night

and get my stuff ready.

[tense music]

This challenge--

it's not the traps
or the hunting.

It's not the skills
or the fire building.

It's about you.

♪ ♪

I'm really scared
of falling again now.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[exhales deeply]

♪ ♪

It's about facing the demons
in the dark corners

and the soft spots
in you as a person

that get poked
by all the briars

when you're out here.

♪ ♪

I hobbled all the way out here

to sh**t at a beaver

and never saw one.

♪ ♪

I know this injury isn't just
gonna fix itself overnight.

Something is gonna
have to change for me.

I'm trying to stay positive.

♪ ♪

Oof.

♪ ♪

And I'm trying to continue
to push.

♪ ♪

I'm just...

finished my third boil
of my Icelandic moss.

The water came out clear,
just like it's supposed to.

The lichens and bunchberries

are all I've eaten
for three days.

I had a couple of days
with no protein.

If we don't get
some real food in,

we're in trouble.

The doc will come
and haul me away.

Do it again tomorrow.

It's all we can do, man.

It doesn't seem to do any good
to sit still, so...

I got to get a bunch of clay.

I just need to seal up
these little gaps

so the sparks come this way
out of the vents that I made.

[dramatic music]

[bleep].

[exhales deeply]

♪ ♪

[bleep]. Oh, God.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

That one was the back
and the knee.

♪ ♪

Let's see how bad this is.

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah, it's swelling.

It's definitely swelling.

[bird calls]

Whiskey jack laughing at me.

[chuckles]

Laugh it up, buddy.

You got away.

♪ ♪

If I had any food at all...

♪ ♪

I'd try to stick it out.

♪ ♪

Probably won't even be able
to get my firewood up tonight.

I don't even know how the hell

they're gonna get me
off this hill.

♪ ♪

Not the way
I wanted it to go.

It's so funny that
that whiskey jack's here.

[bird chirping]

[device beeping]

Hey, there. This is Tom.

I buggered my knee
up pretty good,

and I think that
that's gonna have

to be it for me, unfortunately.

I'm officially tapping out.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

This whole place
has been amazing.

♪ ♪

God, it has fed me.

It has fed my body.
It fed my soul.

♪ ♪

It nurtured parts of me
and touched pieces of me

that I had no idea
were even in there.

♪ ♪

God, I would just k*ll
for another week...

another day here.

I'm gonna miss it.

♪ ♪

You know...

I'm not done here,
and I'm not done here.

I'm just done here.

It's a tough, tough man
that never gives up,

but it's a fool
who doesn't know

when he's beaten, you know?

And I want to get up

and enjoy a place like this
another day,

so it's time.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

It's hard not
to be disappointed

that the ride's over.

♪ ♪

You know, it's like saying
goodbye to a person.

♪ ♪

Never part ways
with ill words.

♪ ♪

I want to be thanking
this space,

loving everything
it gave me.

♪ ♪

Out here,
you're racing your weaknesses.

♪ ♪

It's you against yourself.

I hope to take the lessons
that I learned

and bring them home

to make more of my dreams
a reality.

I wish that my father was
still alive to see me do this.

♪ ♪

He taught me a lot.

He was a huge inspiration.

But I know my father
is so proud of me

for making it this far.

♪ ♪

Despite being
physically broken,

I feel made whole
by this experience.

♪ ♪

I feel stronger.

I feel more resilient.

I feel wiser from it.

♪ ♪

I believe that things
happen for reasons.

My life took me here.

And now I'm going home.

No, I didn't win, but, like,

hell, man, 43 days...

I'm good with it.

♪ ♪

- I've been working on a song.

I'm not sure if I'm ready
to share it.

I'm really close.

I mean, I could try.

♪ This forest is my medicine ♪

♪ Big River is my home ♪

♪ I fill my lungs
with the trees so green ♪

♪ Flowing creek
is my bloodstream ♪

♪ I drink
of the fresh spring water ♪

♪ I eat the growing greens ♪

♪ I sing along
with sweet birdsong ♪

♪ Like a circle,
it goes on and on and on ♪

♪ ♪

And I'm getting hungry,
and I have no food.

Yesterday I missed
a possible opportunity

to get a muskrat
with my bow and arrow.

It's gonna happen this time,
I promise.

I really do well
when I'm focused.

♪ ♪

I don't know how much meat
is on a muskrat,

but it might be a day, maybe
two days' worth of food.

And that would be such
a game changer, for sure.

So let's get down to the river.

♪ ♪

First of all,
I got to get into position.

♪ ♪

I can see little bubbles.

♪ ♪

There's a little muskrat.

♪ ♪

See all that mud
coming out of the bank

under the water?

♪ ♪

[water splashes]

[bleep].

♪ ♪

[bow thwacks]

[bleep].

♪ ♪

[bleep].

♪ ♪

[bleep].

Ahh. [bleep].

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Holy crap.

Holy [bleep].
That was a battle.

[sighs]

I got a muskrat.
[chuckles]

♪ ♪

I got dinner,
and I hope it tastes good.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Wow.

Beautiful.

Soft fur, too.

Thank you.
Thank you for your life.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Check it out.

♪ ♪

We got roasted muskrat leg.

Oh, my God.

That is incredible.

That's not musky at all.

Mmm.

In fact, it tastes
a lot like beaver.

My gosh, it's snowing.

♪ ♪

What a crazy day.
It's snowing.

[chuckles]

I'm eating muskrat.

♪ ♪

I've been thinking about how
hard I worked to get here.

It's a lifetime
of preparing.

It's just another step
in the evolution

of making it all happen,

and it would take a lot
to get me to leave.

I'm here
till I can't be here anymore.

♪ ♪

This is so freaking fantastic.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

[wind whistling]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- So tomorrow it's Halloween.

I'm gonna get my costume ready.

♪ ♪

I think it's such
a fun holiday,

and I love making
my own costumes.

I wish I was getting ready
to go trick or treating.

There we go.

In honor of the holiday
and just like Woniya,

who decided
to be what she was eating,

I decided to go as a grouse.

[chimes tinkling]

Ta-da!

[laughs]

[eerie music]

What do you think?

♪ ♪

Yes...

I have a piece
of tarp cone

covered in charcoal soot
as a beak.

But it's ten items, people.

You got to get creative.

I think it looks great.

[chuckles]

[dramatic music]

[wind whistling]

Winter is coming.

That is where
the champion rounds begin,

where "Alone" is won or lost.

So I can make insulated
shutters for the window.

This one's got a bunch
of little nails in it.

I'm going for something
solid and dependable...

There we go.

That's gonna fit snug
enough to keep almost all

of the prevailing wind
out of my shelter

and to keep most
of my heat in.

So the window's framed out.

Now...

we just need to connect
these two lovely boards...

And we've got a shutter.

And we can slide in
and out at night.

Pretty cool, huh?

[chuckles]

And that is going
to help massively...

keeping this place warm,

'cause it was starting
to get a little chilly

the last couple of nights.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- [burps]

♪ ♪

[burps]

[exhales deeply, sniffs]

My stomach doesn't feel good.

♪ ♪

It's just felt queasy
for the last few days.

♪ ♪

But today I want to go up

and check the rabbit snares
I set up yesterday.

Wouldn't mind
finishing up the walls today,

which means just grabbing
a little bit more moss.

♪ ♪

Boil water.

The usual, I guess.

♪ ♪

[groans, burps]

♪ ♪

I don't usually belch
like this.

And I've just been belching
a lot,

which is really strange.

I don't understand it.

I'm just not sure why I have

so much gassy-like burps
coming up.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Amazing what a lot
of moss will do.

Kind of like caulking
in your house.

[chuckles]

Not that that's
the recommended method, but...

♪ ♪

It does work.

♪ ♪

I give you Hodgepodge Lodge.

Ta-da.

I probably spent a solid three
weeks working on it, huh?

I don't know
about full eight-hour days,

three weeks, but...

I've definitely put in
a lot of time

working on Hodgepodge...

[chuckles]

A lot more than I probably
should have.

But she's a cool shelter.

My only priority really now
is getting food.

[exhales deeply]

Yeah, see, now I'm back
to just feeling nauseous.

♪ ♪

I'm gonna go check
my snares.

♪ ♪

At first, I was like,
"Oh, God.

"Did I do something stupid

and end up with giardia
or something?"

[burps]

♪ ♪

But I'm like,
"No, I don't have

any of the other symptoms
of giardia."

I'm just belching a lot.
None of it's sulfur.

And my stomach's upset,
but I don't have the diarrhea.

I don't have, you know,
lots of flatulence.

I don't have any
of that going on.

So I'm like,
"No, I don't think

"it's some kind
of bacteria I got.

I think it's starvation."

All three snares,
still in place here.

Damn it.

♪ ♪

What I understand happens

if you don't eat
for a long time

is the body stops producing
acid or bile

because there's nothing
to digest.

And if it produces bile
with nothing there

for it to break down,

it starts breaking down
the stomach lining.

♪ ♪

Nothing in the snares today.

And I really, really
don't want that to happen.

♪ ♪

[burps]

I'm getting some
stomach cramping right now.

♪ ♪

It just sucks.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Got it...

in the neck,

through the shoulder.

This bashed it.

This is rungu's second k*ll.

So I got one squirrel today.

We're gonna keep on going.

[tense music]

I'm really focusing
on land animals right now.

The animals out here
are very active.

There is a lot of life
that I hear around here,

and the forest
and the land's providing.

I feel so blessed to be here.

[bird calling]

Frickin' grouse.

Heard it.

Catch it.

♪ ♪

It's funny how some days
you just feel...

different.

Maybe it's just seeing
the sun.

♪ ♪

Maybe it's something else.

But knowing what I know...

♪ ♪

Oh, there it is.

Someone's looking out for me.

I can feel it.

[bow thwacks]

♪ ♪

Got it. Got it.

♪ ♪

Frickin' got it.

♪ ♪

The trick for these guys...
[sniffs]

Is as soon as you
approach them,

they kind of get
a little jumpy.

So you have to...

kind of look
at a 45 away from them

as you're going.

And then when you're ready,
you have, like, a clear shot,

you take it
and anchor and everything

and then aim and then release.

'Cause they're
kind of seeing that your face

is, like, over there,
so they think they're safe.

Then you take it.

I'm, like, running
on a high right now.

It's crazy.

[exhales deeply]

Yes!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- I'm trying a new look today.
[chuckles]

I'm just trying out my cap
because...

it's been chilly.

It didn't frost today, but...

But the ground looks chilly.

I think it might start getting
consistently cold soon.

Maybe once there's some snow,

I can see
if there's some rabbit runs.

But I guess I need to focus
on fishing for now.

There are some ripples forming.

Those are fish biting.

But, unfortunately,

there's no way for me
to cast that far.

♪ ♪

Probably should extend
the pier.

The thing is, how much effort
do I put into it?

[sighs] Decisions, decisions.

[bleep] it.
Let's do it.

You only live once, eh?

♪ ♪

I really hope
I don't regret this.

♪ ♪

My pier is basically
two tripods

latched together at the base.

At the top, there's this log
across to join the tripod,

and it's not very solid,
but it really is a tripod

that provides
the structural integrity.

And then I'm lashing
that pole to launch it.

All right, this is it.

Ready for launch.

♪ ♪

I'm okay with putting
my life on the line...

♪ ♪

Because I need to win "Alone."

All right, let's try it.

♪ ♪

As a Latino,

I don't want to be
just that person

that you just add
for diversity.

I don't want to be
a decoration.

I want to be the first
non-white that wins.

♪ ♪

Nice.

Not very big,
but it's a good one.

And I want
to make people think

it's not where you come from,

that if you are
passionate enough,

you can be better
than anyone else.

♪ ♪

One more.

To me, it would be amazing...

Nice.

To break those mental barriers

and rock the boat
a little bit.

♪ ♪

Score.

[laughs]

Thank you, fish.

♪ ♪

That's my meal.

Funnily enough,
I don't feel like eating,

so I'm just gonna
eat what I can.

♪ ♪

But...

♪ ♪

My stomach right now
is just feeling like, pfft.

It doesn't want food.

♪ ♪

This is such an unexpected
challenge for me...

♪ ♪

Not wanting to eat.

♪ ♪

Crazy.

♪ ♪

Crazy, crazy.

♪ ♪

And I know it's weird
and I should force myself.

But at the same time,

if I force myself
and I puke, then...

♪ ♪

[burps, grunts]

All that effort for nothing...

wasted.

[burps, exhales deeply]

So I don't want to do that.

♪ ♪

The fact that my body
just doesn't want to eat,

that is a problem.

I do not want to get sick.

I don't want to get
to that point where I puke,

because that can be
extremely harsh on your body

and can bring you down.

♪ ♪

Ay, ay, ay.

What the heck is going on?

[creepy music]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

- A knock at the door?
Out here?

Who could that be?

Trick or treat.

Oh, a trick-or-treater.

Wow, you look so cute.

What are you,
a little ptarmigan?

I'm a grouse.

Oh, a grouse.

[laughs] I can never tell
the two apart.

Man, I don't have any candy.

How about some berries?

Berries?

You know how far
I had to walk to get here?

All the last guy had
was bear meat.

Someone's got bear meat?

Damn it.

Man, I'll tell you what.

You're gonna be getting egged
tonight,

that's for sure.

You got eggs?

Wait. You got eggs?

No, no, no, no, no.
Come on in, buddy.

Oh, man.

I haven't had eggs
in a month and a half.

[dramatic music]

Does this whole thing...

make me seem totally insane?

♪ ♪

Probably, eh?

♪ ♪

And stitch all that
together for me,

you got yourself an Emmy.

♪ ♪

Happy Halloween, y'all.

♪ ♪

- Happy Halloween!

Yes, I'm Muskrat Suzie.

♪ ♪

I'm going
to celebrate Halloween

by honoring the animal

that I just fell in love with

and just recently ate

and just have
some fun with it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

[laughs]

Oh.

[laughs]

Oh!

That was painful.

[laughs]
Happy Halloween!

Oh, my glasses are crooked.

There.

There we go.

[laughs]

[wind whistling]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- This is definitely
a Halloween to remember.

Today is also Samhain,

and that's when the lines

between the living and the dead

get a little thinner.

And it'd be a good time

to reach out to...

people beyond the grave,
loved ones, ancestors.

Upon our launch,
we were given this.

It's kind of like
a ceremonial fungus thing

that traditionally
is used to smudge.

I wanted to save this
for Samhain

so I can say thank you
to the ancestors,

to the spirits of the forest,

and my grandfather.

All right.
[sniffs]

Just gonna put this
on this flat rock...

♪ ♪

And let it fill the room.

♪ ♪

Mmm.

That's pleasant.

♪ ♪

Ancestors, guardians...

loved ones from beyond...

♪ ♪

This is for you.

♪ ♪

[sniffs]

Before my mom had me,

she was in a previous marriage

with a man who...

I have his last name.

And his father, my grandfather,

they both live in Singapore.

I can't visit often,

especially
when I was in medical school.

My grandfather, he fell
forward from a seat,

and it's kind of like
a whiplash type of a deal.

And there's little
blood vessels in your head,

and those rip,
and those bleed,

and that causes
more pressure in the brain,

and you lose consciousness,

and you can slowly
or quickly pass away.

♪ ♪

And that's what happened.

But in his lucid state,

he still knew me.

That's how important
I was to him,

even though I wasn't present
for most of my life

because I was so far away.

And I just wanted
to reach out to him...

to let him know
that I'm grateful,

that I love him very much...

♪ ♪

That I feel his strength
and his presence

in all the good things
that I do.

♪ ♪

And I'm trying my best

to be an instrument
of good in the world.

♪ ♪

So I thank you for...

♪ ♪

Considering me family...

♪ ♪

[voice breaking]
Considering me your grandson.

♪ ♪

That's why I keep the name.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Jessie groans]

[burping]

♪ ♪

I never make
a good sick person.

I hate being sick.

Want some cheese
to go with that whine?

Want your milk and cookies?

Yes, please.

No milk, though--
I'm lactose intolerant--

unless it's coconut milk
or almond milk.

Oat milk--
I really like oat milk.

I don't feel like I want
to throw up the water,

but...

I definitely still feel
nauseous.

I definitely have no interest
in drinking more water.

[spits]

♪ ♪

Yeah.

♪ ♪

That's not good.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[groans]

I don't throw up much.

I rarely have thrown up
in my life,

so this is
really disconcerting

and alarming to me right now.

I guess somewhere along
the line, I made a mistake.

♪ ♪

I've been drinking water
I shouldn't,

or just have a lot of acid
in my system

because I'm not eating.

♪ ♪

This time, maybe eat
some charcoal beforehand.

I'll use a little bit
to make a slurry,

see if it'll help absorb

whatever's going on
in my stomach.

Drink that first

and then try drinking
the water.

[exhales deeply]

♪ ♪

Eating a gritty mud.

♪ ♪

[exhales deeply]

Hopefully my body was able
to absorb some of that.

♪ ♪

I feel better...
[scoffs]

♪ ♪

Not fantastic,
but I feel better.

♪ ♪

I need to have faith,
and I need to...

remember that even when
the odds seem impossible,

♪ ♪

I just need to have
faith that...

♪ ♪

It'll get better.

♪ ♪

I come from a line of women
that have just been so strong

and have been through so much.

I need to use that.

I just got to push
through the suffering,

and eventually it'll be okay.

I'm not out of the game yet.

♪ ♪

- I have been feeling
extremely homesick.

♪ ♪

I've never felt anything
like this before.

It's, like, gripped me.

It's a cruel thing doing this
through the holidays.

I miss all my people.

♪ ♪

Staying busy--that's
the strategy going forward.

So we're gonna head out
as far inland as we can

in the next couple of hours,
see what we find.

♪ ♪

This morning
was the first time

I felt like tapping out,

because the simple fact
of the matter

is that I can go home
whenever I want to,

but that's an evil little worm
in my subconscious.

And that worm
doesn't belong there.

♪ ♪

Well, I'll be damned.

[chuckles]

This is a new river.

This is a whole other stream...

Rife with possibilities.

There's beaver in the area.

The fish could be biting here.

Oh, I wish I'd found this
sooner.

Oh, man.

[clears throat]

We have it now.

Cool.
Let's keep going.

♪ ♪

I need to really discipline
my mind against despondency

or loneliness.

♪ ♪

This is the way
that people have lived

for hundreds of thousands
of years,

and...

Got to
stay strong mentally.

Oh, [bleep].

That's the first hare
I've seen.

Be "vewy, vewy" quiet.

We're hunting "wabbits."
[laughs]

♪ ♪

[arrow thwacks]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Oh, [bleep].

That's the first
hare I've seen.

♪ ♪

[arrow thwacks]

Hell, yeah, brother.

[breathing heavily]

Look at the size of this guy.

That is a huge hare.

And he was maybe 20 yards out,
and I took a shot,

and it was the perfect hit.

That's a lot of meat.

That's a lot of meat.

Rabbit stew.

I didn't know I was gonna
be getting that here.

♪ ♪

Piece of backstrap in there...

And one these thighs.

I miss my family a lot,

and that's not
a healthy mindset

for an experience like this.

♪ ♪

Piece of squirrel head.

That's why I try
and practice gratitude

for every single day
that I'm here, you know?

I want something
to remind myself

of the opportunity
I have to be here.

♪ ♪

How do we win this sucker?

In a tightrope walk, you know?

♪ ♪

Every day is a balancing act.

Some days will come out
negative.

Some days will come out
positive.

♪ ♪

Just got to have a couple more
positives than negatives.

♪ ♪

Now we're getting into
some real "Alone" [bleep].

Mmm.

This is
my first-ever wild hare.

It tastes amazing.
[chuckles]

And this is...

Mmm.

All organ meat.

And that's a chunk of liver.

Today was a caloric gamble

that really paid off.

It's a long way to get back
into that backstretch,

but this has been one
of the most eventful days

I've had out here.

If there's other animals there,
bigger animals,

animals that I can really...

You know...

sh**t once and be good
for a couple of days,

that is...

Potentially massive.

I'm gonna to be spoiled
by this.

Spoiled.

I want another one.

♪ ♪

- My stomach's
pretty upset again.

I think it's just--

I think it's actually
just acid reflux.

It's just my stomach
producing a lot of acid,

and there's nothing in there
for it to digest.

It's not a fun feeling,
for sure.

So I picked out some charcoal
before I started the fire...

from last night,

and I'll eat some of that
this evening.

♪ ♪

All right,
here's the ground charcoal.

♪ ♪

Out here
you can't just run down

to your local pharmacy
or something

and grab
whatever it is you need.

And I'm not an herbalist.

The only things I know
for stomach issues

are things like charcoal.

Oh, just come on.

I got to get this down.

♪ ♪

[spits]

♪ ♪

[vomits, spits]

♪ ♪

[vomits, spits]

♪ ♪

[vomiting]

[spits]

♪ ♪

[groaning]

[spits]

I'm gonna go to bed.

[burping]

Hoo.

♪ ♪

So I just woke up and...

♪ ♪

Vomited
for the third time tonight.

[clears throat]

Throat's feeling pretty raw.

♪ ♪

This last time
it was water again.

I'm getting
a pretty good headache,

I'm sure, from dehydration.

♪ ♪

I don't know.
We'll see how much...

♪ ♪

how much water I'm able
to keep down,

if I can stay hydrated enough.

♪ ♪

I'm still hoping I'll reach
a point where this will pass.

♪ ♪

I've got to get down water.

If I don't keep down water
at this point

and start getting
really badly dehydrated,

there's no way I can stay out.

♪ ♪

They're gonna
medically pull me.

I will not hit the button.

♪ ♪

I will not...

hit the button, ever.

[burps, vomits]

How many days can this go on?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

Jessie?

♪ ♪

- I'm okay.

But if I get up
and do anything,

then the odds of me throwing up
are way high.

- Okay.

And how many times
have you thrown up?

- Nine or ten.

- And are you able to drink
any water at this point?

- I drink it.

It just usually
doesn't stay down.

♪ ♪

I'm bad right now.

It makes me want to vomit

every time I try to even take
a sip of water,

and it just keeps
getting worse.

So it's probably a pipe dream

that I'm gonna be able
to make it better out here.

But I didn't come out here
to just quit.

It's not why I came.

I've watched people
quit at something,

and they regret it
for the rest of their life.

And not only that,
but then it makes it easier

to quit at the next thing.

♪ ♪

I never want to go
down that road.

I want to be able to look
at myself and who I am

and say I did my absolute best
at whatever I'm doing.

♪ ♪

So I am not leaving unless
they pull me out of here.

♪ ♪

- Hey, Jessie.

Our concerns right now
are that you have

a pretty severe inflammation
of your stomach lining,

which, if that's left
untreated,

could lead to bleeding
or a hole in your stomach,

both of which can be
life-threatening.

It doesn't feel like you are
able to take care of yourself

at this point.

It's not safe
for you to remain.

I have
to medically extract you.

- Definitely not
how I envisioned this ending.

♪ ♪

To end like this, this wasn't
what I anticipated.

This isn't
how I saw it going down.

♪ ♪

I got so enmeshed
in Hodgepodge,

and this showed that, that
I was still in that ego place

where I can work,
I can be strong,

and just going with the nose
to the grindstone,

I can make it through.

But I believe if I'd taken
the other path,

if I had connected more
with the moment

while I was out there,

my sense is, I actually
would have done a lot better.

♪ ♪

I want to connect
with spirit,

and I want to be able
to smile and laugh

and authentically just be me.

And that can't happen
if I've...

got the nose
to the grindstone

and I'm just buckling down and
trying to get the job done.

♪ ♪

So I need to step back...

spend more time
on my own spiritual growth

and not working quite so hard.

♪ ♪

I mean, what's the point of
life if we're not enjoying it?

♪ ♪

- Oh, [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep].

I'm so tired
of bushwhacking.

There is some ankle-breaking
[bleep] in this forest.

[screams]

[bleep].

- My fishing pole is gonna
become a walking stick.

The river is frozen over.
I think fishing's out.

- See how thick that ice is.

♪ ♪

- If you're in it to really
test your boundaries,

you might not come
back the same.

Your life as you know it
is changed forever.

♪ ♪