03x09 - You'll Love Our Selection

[bunniefuu]

Wake up the masses!

Assume the crash position.

Hold on tight!

Take a deep breath...

For a cartoon crama-ganza!

Iiiiit's...

Kablam!

Where cartoons and comics collide.

Now to take you inside and turn the pages,

Here are your hosts, henry and june.

And u.s. Department of education

Welcome to kablam!, Cartoon connoisseurs.

I'm henry.

That would make me...june.

And this little miracle of technology

Is the kablam! Instant response meter.

It shows us what you at home

Like and don't like about kablam!...

Instantly.

It's just another way we can better serve you,

The ka-viewer.

What say we turn this baby on?

Henry: june's got a popularity rating of...!

Not too shabby, my friend.

Now it's my turn.

June: well, what do you know?

Henry's just as popular as I am.

Whoa, nelly. We're more popular together

Than we are alone.

Wow, a !

I'll bet not even sabrina, the teenage witch gets that.

[Toilet flushes]

[Bell rings and siren wails]

While we do our best to fix this obviously broken meter,

Why don't you do your best to watch this cartoon.

Dateline: side pocket stadium,

As nfl players practice for the upcoming pro bowl,

Coach bill cowher fields a request

From a questionable quarterback.

Oh, please let me play, coach.

Please, please, please!

But you're the mayor.

Why would you wanna play pro football?

For the fame, you nitwit.

Look. I've already got my own touchdown dance.

Ooga-chugga. Ooga, ooga, ooga-chugga.

Take a hike, you clown.

I've already got all the top quarterbacks here.

Too many of them, in fact.

Why do I need you?

Too many quarterbacks, ay?

That is a problem.

Wouldn't you agree, troy aikman?

Whoa!

[Beep beep]

Ow!

Ha ha! That's what I call a good ground game.

Today's episode...

We find our heroes at action headquarters,

Getting briefed by the chief.

Blast it! Some nut job out there

Is gunning for the nfl's top quarterbacks.

We've got to protect them.

Think you morons can handle it?

Don't worry, chief.

We'll be the best "d" those qbs have ever seen.

Stinky: good one, melty.

And so the league kicks off a campaign

To protect top pros like brett favre.

Mr. Favor? I'm the flesh,

And I'm never letting you out of my sight.

To be honest, son, I wish you would,

Seeing how you're as naked as a jaybird.

Put a towel on. You're freaking me out.

Ok!

Whew. Time to do some crunches.

Crunches! Great idea, brett baby.

Ahhhh!

And action.

This is kordell stewart reminding you

That if it doesn't say "heavy hitter,"

It's not a heavy hitter.

Cut! Ok, kordell. Let's try it again.

I have a suggestion. Punch "heavy" more.

And ramp up the energy % overall.

Don't listen to her twaddle, kordell.

She's not the director.

She's supposed to be a bodyguard.

Don't tell me what to do.

Somebody has to, you butt-inski.

Butt-inski?!

Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Ooooh!

Hmmmm.

Makeup!

And that, john, my friend,

Is how I won my third grade flag football championship.

And in fourth grade--

Uh, could we talk about this later, meltman?

I need to get in the whirlpool.

I'm feeling a little stiff.

No problem, johnny. We pros gotta stay in peak physical condition.

[Whistling]

Ha ha! This will cause a stir.

Ahhhhhh!

Work through the pain, johnny.

Nothing like a whirlpool to loosen you right up.

Maybe that's a little too loose.

Meanwhile...

Quit bugging me, you ding-dong.

What part of "you're not playing" don't you understand?

The "you're not playing" part!

As the big day arrives,

Our big idiots arrive at a standing room only stadium.

Whoo-eee, am I glad to see you guys.

I was worried elway, favre, and stewart weren't gonna make it.

You worry too much, chief.

Yeah, they're all here.

Hold still, mr. Stewart.

That's favre's arm, you poindexter!

Where did you go to med school, dumb guy state?

Meanwhile, high above the stadium,

A poor sport prepares for sudden death overtime.

Ha ha. If I don't get to play,

No one will!

Is the pro bowl about to become the oh, no bowl?

Are both leagues bound for the injured reserve?

Stay tuned for the final quarter of...

You're watching....

Home of mr. Foot.

Here at kablam!, We're dedicated to giving you what you want.

[Disgustedly] especially when the network tells us to.

So, without further ado...

Announcer: kablam!presents...

It's morning at mr. Foot's house,

And where does a -ton sasquatch sleep?

Anywhere he wants.

Before heading off to work,

Mr. Foot indulges in his passion for the rock and roll.

Then it's another busy, busy day

On the set of basic cable's hottest show,

And before he knows it, the day is done.

Time to punch out and head home.

Who knows what tomorrow may bring

For one of comedy's brightest young stars.

[Bells and sirens]

Are you people yanking my cartoon chain?

You actually liked that?!

[Bells and sirens continue]

[Boom]

Hope you like this just as much.

It's prometheus and bob.

Narrator: , years ago,

An alien videotaped his attempts

To educate a caveman--

The prometheus and bob tapes.

Tape ...

Hey. Eh?

[High-pitched, electronic voice]

Hey, come in here. Come on. In here.

Hey.

Come on, in here.

[Screeches]

[Grunting]

Stop.

Ah! Ahhhhh!

[Moaning]

In a minute, ok?

There.

[Indistinct instructions]

Ok, give it to me.

Ahhhh...

Stay here.

[Monkey chatters]

Hey!

[Chuckling]

Ow!

Hey! [Laughing]

[Laughing]

Eh. Eh.

[Growl]

Hey! Hey!

[Screams]

[Loud roar]

Ahhhh!

[Low growling]

Hey. Shhh!

All right, now...

When I say bob,

You push this down.

You see?

Eh...

[Eee eee]

Now, bob!

Hey! [Laughs]

Go wake your grammy, there's more kablam-my

Still to come,

Life with loopy,

Race rabbit,

And, when we return, more action league now!

Right here on...

A football league on the defensive...

The action league, generally offensive...

With the mayor poised to pummel the pro bowl,

Our oblivious heroes take part in the opening ceremonies.

P.a. Announcer: and now for the opening coin toss.

Please welcome the flesh!

Heads or tails?

Heads.

Heh heh heh heh-- whoa!

Blimey! It's the mayor!

That didn't hurt a bit.

Ugh!

That did.

Heads it is!

Hey, loose ball.

Yay! I get to play!

Fumble!arrrrgh!ahhhhh! Ahhhhh!

Flesh, your coin toss saved the pro bowl.

That mayor fellow was as nasty as an alligator paying alimony.

Hey, you're a pretty big guy.

Ever think about throwing the pigskin for a living?

You mean like this?

Ow! Ouch! Oooh! Ow!

Kordell: forget I asked.

The end.

I-i-i-i-it's...

Starring mr. Foot!

And here he is, that hairy, man-like creature

Occasionally sighted in the forests of the western u.s. And canada,

Mr. Foot!

Rowrf! Rowrf! Rowrf! Rowrf!rowrf! Rowrf!

Yo, foot!

[Knuckles crack]

[Bass drums sound]

[Crowd chanting]

Yeah! Do it!

Oh, yeah!

Give it to me!

[Ting] [buzzing]

[Wild cheers and applause]

What are you lookin' at?

Why don't you look at life with loopy instead?

♪♪♪

Hi, larry here.

You know, sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan them.

Take our family vacation to aquaworld marine park.

It was gonna be perfect.

You see, aquaworld had something for everyone.

Mom: educational marine displays.

Dad: all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet.

Loopy: and miles of sandy beaches.

Perfect for finding buried treasure.

Larry: but for me, the main attraction was

That aquaworld was hosting this year's

Charlie chicken live summer spectacular!..

Or so I thought.

Canceled!

I--i can't believe it.

My vacation is a disaster.

Snap out of it, crab cake.

We've got buried treasure to find.

[Metal detector crackling and beeping]

Sizzlin' sea slugs!

I'm picking up a signal the size of a super tanker!

And it's coming from...

That island!

[Sarcastically] I'm hyperventilating with excitement.

Ahoy, mateys. All hands on deck.

Land h*!

Uh, loopy? That's not an island.

That's a--

[Both scream]

[Voice echoing] great. Swallowed by a whale.

This vacation's getting better by the second.

[Echoing] clam up, larry. I think I hear something.

[Indistinct voices]hey, those voices sound familiar.

Both:we're rich! We're rich! We're rich, we're rich, we're rich!

Larry: I couldn't believe it. It was my heroes.

The kings of comedy. The sultans of slapstick.

Charley chicken and turkey thompson.

Hey, back off, buddy!

This treasure's ours. We saw it first.

How did you guys get here?

How do you think we got here, einstein? The whale ate us!

[Scottish accent] aye. We were rehearsing for our big show at aquaworld

When it swam up out of the ocean and gobbled us down!

Don't worry, guys. We'll figure a way out of here

And still make it back in time for your show.

You kidding? We ain't going nowhere.

We're finished with show biz, son.

We've got everything we need right here.

Gold, diamonds, wide-screen tvs.

I'm king charley, chicken of the sea!

But what about your fans?

Fans? Who needs fans? We're rich!

Both: we're rich! We're rich! Ridiculously rich!

I...can't believe it.

Don't worry, larry.

I think I know how to get us out of here

And get their show back on the road.

Uh, excuse me, fellas.

I was wondering if you knew any good... Whale jokes.

I told you, kid. We don't do jokes anymore!

Know what I think? You guys have lost your touch.

Now wait just a second!

We know more whale jokes than you've had hot dinners.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Ok. Why didn't the whale cross the road?

Because he didn't see any porpoise to it.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

[Exhales]

Why are whales such crybabies?

'Cause they won't stop blubbering.

[Both laughing]

[Sighs]

Say, turkey. Why is it so easy to fool a whale?

'Cause they'll swallow anything!

[All laughing hysterically]

Ugh! These jokes are giving me indigestion.

Larry: yep. Loopy's plan worked like a charm.

[Rumbling]

Whoo!

So, it wasn't exactly the vacation I had planned,

But, you know, I think in the end it worked out just fine....

For all of us.

Oh, turkey. You know, if there's anything more valuable

Than a whale full of treasure,

It's the sound of happy children's laughter.

Got that right, charlie.

[Laughing]

Welcome back to kablam!

[Grudgingly] starring mr. Foot.

Due to his overwhelming popularity,

Mr. Foot is now busy making his first major motion picture.

But great news. While he's away,

June and I will be right here to entertain you.

[Clunk]

Um...starting with a clip from mr. Foot's new movie.

[Trumpets blare]

[James bond-style music plays]

His name is foot...

Mr. Foot.

[Commotion]

Ahhhhhhh!

[Alarms sound]

[Eastern european accent] footski. We've got to get out of here.

The whole place is gonna blow sky-high.

[Alarms stop]

[All cheering]

[Bond music resumes]

Boy, that mr. Foot. He's really quite a card.

Get it? Card?

He was playing cards.

[Sizzle]

Uh, henry. The meter is telling me

It's time to go to our next cartoon.

Here's that nitro- burnin' bunny, race rabbit.

♪♪♪

♪ Go, race rabbit

♪ Tearing up the tracks

♪ With his turbo rabbit racer ♪

♪ And the super chip, max ♪

♪ He's a burnin' rubber bunny ♪

♪ With a need for speed

♪ But he's always got time ♪

♪ For anybody in need ♪

♪ Go, go

♪ Race rabbit, with the turbo thrust ♪

♪ 'Cause those inbred boolies

♪ From the upper crust ♪

♪ Wanna catch you and stuff you ♪

♪ But they're way too slow

♪ So go, race rabbit

♪ Go, go, go

Welcome back, all,

To the lancaster- minster-burrashire .

Race rabbit is in front by a whisker,

And what a heated competition this looks to be.

Don't brake for anything, race.

No extra tires, no fuel...

Race! Stop! Please stop!

No women stranded on the side of the road waving a baby food jar!

You seem to have forgotten, max.

I brake for everything.

Madame.

Race, you've got to get this to my little boy, leslie,

For his : feeding.

The last time he didn't get his beans on toast,

He nearly k*lled me hubby!

Please! Please! There isn't much time!

Don't worry, mum. I'm on it like vinegar on chips.

Godspeed, race rabbit!

Race, we can still win the rally

If you feed the little blighter on time, and...

You don't brake for anything in the road!

Relax, max. What could possibly be in the road?

Cheerio, race rabbit.

I do hope you can find it in your heart

To brake for the poor little moose in the road.

The one with the giant net. Ha ha ha ha ha.

[Phhfffft]

Whoa! Beans on toast!

Back in, winston. Get back in!

[Phhfffft]

Race, how can I put this without sounding indelicate?

Don't stop for the moose!

Moose? What moose?

[Beep]

[Alarm sounds]

You're right, max. I must learn to use more discretion.

[Tires squeal]

Where is he?

"I brake for nothing"?

Oh, pooh.

[Thud]

Come back with me brother!

Remember, lads. Always keep it safe

And never play in the streets.

Curse you race rabbit!

So, what's the plan? The nitro overdrive?

The nuclear ultra track?

Close, max. The baby food warmer.

[Beep beep beep]

I imagine cold beans on toast might make little leslie cranky.

Max: oh, please. You're going to spoil him.

How cranky can the boy get?

Ooh, come on leslie. Try it.

Ooh!

[Whimpering]

[Loud ticking]

Rough luck, race. A red light.

I've a funny feeling, max.

Our luck and that light are about to change.

[Ding]

Good show. Lunch.

[Ding]

Dad: bless you, race rabbit!

C-r-r-revins! What a finish this looks to be.

It's anyone's race.

And, now, race, may I reiterate the previous point by saying

Please, please, please don't brake for anything!

On the contrary, max. I'll hit the pedal.

[Engine revs]

Well, that about wraps it up for this week's kablam!

Starring mr. Foot.

The instant response meter has told us

You want to see more of mr. Foot, and we have heard you.

We're just glad the big fella has found a place for us in his heart.

And on his show.

[Cheers and applause]

Join us again next time.

Same kablam!time,