01x03 - Date from Hell

[bunniefuu]

hi God here so I was all set to destroy

the world when I thought hey I'm not

that kind of God if just one Soul could

show me it's worth saving on spirit and

being a sporting deity I let the devil

choose so folks meet your last chance

for salvation

wow this is good beer

oh boy well folks I wouldn't make any

long-term plans

[Music]

thank you

[Music]

you're gonna love this place it's got

the best Greek food in Detroit we're

doing dinner

I thought we were supposed to meet here

already having eaten your girl never

gets it right

I know she's the niece of a friend of

mine that's going to be a tough

conversation what uh it's closed

the whole Block's boarded up

aha there's the culprit they're putting

in one of those damn Mega stores oh come

on those places are great they have

everything I bought a power drill and

got my back adjusted in the same aisle

they k*ll the soul of the neighborhood

and did I mention I got my nails done

hmm bench tips something like this can

depress the whole community

feeling I'm gonna have to do something

to lift their Spirits Oh no you're not

going to launch another one of your lame

a*s Life's a miracle campaigns are you

Detroit needs a shot in the arm oh why

don't you get your little friend to take

care of it for you Mr Peanut what never

mind I'm talking about Bob

you know your last best hope for mankind

what's your problem with Bob I don't

have a problem with Bob he's nothing to

me he's a cipher he's less than nothing

he's the man could show me a little

respect ever since you chose him he has

no fear of me I mean I'm the Prince of

Darkness for God's sake who's darker

than me no one

way on there absolutely you're evil

you're bile you're hateful am I

um sorry I snapped

I just need to hear it sometimes

that's what Jordan said but try telling

Brittany that she is so not self-aware

even Jordan noticed we had this race in

gym class and Jordan kept teasing us so

Brittany and I were both dead last and

Miss Stockwell is all don't you ladies

have any pride and we're like not really

Jordan says she's totally g*y

what's g*y like your aunt Rachel I'm

late for the bus did you know Jordan

talks to the bus driver why would anyone

do that well I guess that's Jordan so

Jordan

oh

Jordan Jordan

your daughter just mentioned him 23

times in a row

maybe it's someone from her school

that's brilliant Bob well she's a

student following that lead shut up Bob

[Music]

can you hand me my warm jacket thanks

wait

can't walk away from me

[Music]

I'm talking about respect I mean I don't

like to complain oh leave me alone you

ignore the slides you think they're

accidental but after a while you have to

say to yourself wow look at that oh

please Here Comes one of his little

feel-good Detroit moments

double rainbow how tired is that that's

beautiful everyone eats it up I do a

three-headed goat nothing

akane makes a couple of bucks all right

I've had enough get out of my car

get out there must be somebody else that

you can annoy that's all I am to you is

annoying

I am the source of all evil in the

universe and I'm annoying take a hike oh

you aren't annoying you'll get annoying

You'll be annoyed like you've never been

annoyed

well that just wrinkles

yuck I know it's like put a bib on or

something oh wait now the other one's

home hi honey when did I become the

other one well she definitely has a

crush on Jordan she's been on the phone

for an hour with Brittany talking about

how creepy he is now when Jordan comes

over the first time I want you to be

wait wait wait wait nobody is coming

over here Megan's barely 13 years old

I'm not ready for boys hey Dad hey buddy

is that my underwear on your head I was

a pharaoh today for show and tell Andy

we have to talk more about stuff we can

do at home and stuff we can do anyplace

else

[Music]

some weather we're having huh your work

I assume

yeah funny how weather like this can

affect the whole city sort of put a

spring in everyone's step

uh did you uh did you happen to be

looking up yesterday oh yeah the double

rainbow it was very nice I know it's a

little stock but it's a real crowd

pleaser the trick is to inspire Wonder

without being too heavy-handed so the

atheists won't feel left out uh look I

need your advice about Megan

oh girls are tough that's why I never

had a daughter I mean I know it's

natural that she's going to be

interested in boys but it just makes me

want to kick their pimply face little

bucks from Sun after Sundown yeah

what if you bought her a pony pony

what's a pony gonna do I don't know I

thought girls liked ponies

Donna whose bike is that in the

sweetheart you're home how was your day

what the hell's wrong with you Jordan's

here he's very nice now don't give him

the third degree don't tell him any of

your jokes and don't scratch yourself

don't ruin this for Megan oh give me a

little credit will ya who's this Punk

Jordan Clark sir you don't have to call

him sir sure he does Jordan Clark I Know

a Jim Clark in high school he's my

father no kidding did he ever marry that

girl he got pregnant mom Bob I'm just

getting to know the boy

so tell me Jordan what are your

interests besides my daughter well I

don't have any special Hobbies or

anything I mostly just hang out with my

friends oh I like the Red Wings oh you

liked

really you're a hockey fan so uh who are

your players well I like Osgood of

course of course what about Eiserman the

man himself you know he once saw me

throwing up in the parking lot and asked

if I was okay

didn't have to do that

[Music]

good night Megan good night Mrs almond

dinner was great good night see you at

school you come by anytime Megan doesn't

even have to be here good night

good night Bob

[Music]

[Applause]

you are never to see that boy again what

Daddy Mom what are you talking about

because he is actually Satan in disguise

you heard me honey I'll finish the

dishes I am not even surprised

Bob you don't know what's going on here

Donna this is not some father-daughter

thing and this is not me being

irrational it's about Jordan being the

dark lord of the universe will you stop

that Megan has finally found a nice boy

who enjoys spending time with her for

whatever reason did you see her she was

actually smiling I forgot we fixed her

teeth no this isn't about Megan it's

about me he's trying to get to me

through my family I shouldn't have blown

him off like that what are you talking

about

look the simple explanation is that my

soul has become a Battleground for a w*r

between God and Satan but I know you're

just going to try and make that sound

weird so no all right

I've been holding back on this for years

but now you have backed me into a corner

Donna

I forbid you to let her see that boy you

forbid me you forced my hand you forbid

me I don't plan on using it often

gonna go talk to Megan honey

honey it's Daddy can I come in just a

minute I'm burning every present you

ever gave me oh come on you're not

[Music]

hey Bob you got my message yeah finally

I've been trying to get a hold of you

all day can we get a bat signal or

something or why don't you just give me

your pager number sorry Bob that's for

family only so what are we doing here

well I thought if I was going to tear up

the people of Detroit I should go right

to the prime source of their frustration

and torment

no waiting over here

I'm sorry that was my mistake

oh boy your eyes were closed I think we

can do better

nicer the devil is trying to date my

daughter you gotta stop him you know I

don't work that way if I wanted to

intercede all the time I would have

created a world full of Puppets

actually I tried that early on I played

with it at first and now it just sits

under my bed okay fine excuse me for

thinking that there would be some perks

in this whole messenger of God thing

have faith Bob Megan's a good kid no my

Megan

this was a waste of time come on get

your picture taken with Mr motor

aren't you David Caruso

so

Bob I've been thinking maybe Megan is a

little young you're a man you can

probably notice some things in boys that

I can't what are you up to

nothing I just think that it's more

important that we keep a united front on

this thing the worst thing would be for

us to undercut each other's Authority I

agree

well he bought it yes Jordan and I can

go out tomorrow night here's what we'll

do tomorrow's Friday night your dad gets

off at five then he stops at The Classy

Chassis for his one beer so figure he's

home around 11 and that'll give you

plenty of time for your first

your first Mom I'm I'm sorry it's just

so sweet

mom I know we fight a lot and I give you

a hard time about your big butt and

wearing clothes that are too young for

you and make you look desperate but

this is really cool of you I just want

your first date to be as wonderful and

magical as mine was

[Music]

hey

I want to make out okay

see you at school okay

it was like a fairy tale

[Music]

well boys you'll be pleased to know I

made significant progress in my

relationship with my ex the court

lowered the distance from 400 to 100

yards had a boy Barry great job buddy

I've had a little breakthrough of my own

with Donna oh yeah it took me 14 years

to lay the groundwork but it's finally

paying off you know I may have lost a

step or two my hair's a little thinner

in the back but the Mind gentleman the

mind it just gets cagier and cagier what

the hell are you talking about Donna and

I had a little disagreement about the

kid who's trying to date my daughter I

put my foot down I didn't want to but I

did uh-huh and she backed down is that a

fact yes it is I am now in charge hmm

and I gotta tell you it's a great

feeling

oh she could be lying to you and letting

Megan see that kid behind your back no

no no no no no no no

damn it

ignite it's been a while since you've

had a date this one this one or this one

they all look nice see that doesn't help

me

um the blue one don't you think it

fights my eyes oh yeah yes sir I I

didn't notice it at first I'm going with

the black how's my breath

like rose petals sir maybe I'm being a

little presumptuous but who knows where

the evening might lead God is nervous

your wretchedness you do remember why

you're doing this don't you to get Bob

of course I remember but it never hurts

to look your best

now I'm putting these next to my corn

pads don't let me forget

you have any gel smack or I'm not really

a gel guy why could I never

him

you have the cool Clear Eyes of a seeker

of wisdom and Truth oh I believe

oh no

why tonight

remember to Blink honey okay what are

you doing home what indeed surprise

Donna

you think you're so clever you forget I

have Smart friends what are you talking

about where's Megan studying liar you're

letting her go out with Satan stop

calling him that and I am not okay I'm

ready do I look okay for

doing my homework all right that's it

I get it right after Megan Bob put me

down

I'm sorry I know you hate me for this

but someday you'll thank me

you look pretty honey

Bob you don't understand what's going on

yes I do you think you're losing your

little girl to the evil one every father

has to go through this we're not talking

about it anymore fine

you know there's a window

no no my little girl is gonna be

enslaved by Lucifer

[Music]

well at least he doesn't drive a van

how are you able to drive at 13. I don't

know how am I able to drink you know you

don't have to try so hard to be cool I

like you anyway you do

hey don't want to go to your head have

you ever thought about ultimate Evil

sure

Bob don't do this you don't know what's

at stake if you inflict this on Megan

she will spend the rest of her life

hating you don't you get enough of that

with my parents I'm sorry I have to I'm

going to find them if I have to go to

hell and back

uh do you know where they went

how can I fight Satan he can materialize

dematerialize he probably knows I'm

coming he can do something to me before

I even get there something horrible

something

hi Dad oh geez handy what are you doing

I wanted to help you save Megan I

brought some garlic I don't know what's

good for vampires

Andy honey

I don't really think that that's going

to uh

what else you got

Tarts but they're for

son I really appreciate your offer but

this is something you can't help me with

that he's going to have to search

through some pretty scary evil places to

find them they went to the ice rink

you're a good boy Andy

[Music]

Evil's not merely the absence of good as

someone have it it can be a creative

force all its own

God you know so much about evil it's

kind of a hobby of mine

you know Megan a lot of people don't

realize that more and more celebrities

and rock stars are turning to evil it's

bigger than Scientology

ahem I said it's bigger than Scientology

oh

hey guys how is the skating you know

since I gave up my soul I've never been

so popular well catch you on the flip

side

boy you know I was looking for a big

finale to wrap up my work in Detroit I

don't mind telling you I was a little

stumped they're just like that something

wonderful happened little Lisa kopchek

fell down a well what oh she's gonna be

fine Plucky little kid very narrow

shoulders so what's new with you okay

you've got some explaining to do right

now my daughter is ice skating with the

devil he can skate with those weak

ankles god this is my daughter I mean

weren't you watching how could you let

this happen now Bob what is wrong with

you I don't understand and it's not just

this

I mean there's cancer and w*r random

violence why you're supposed to be good

you're supposed to love us why do you

allow evil in the world

that's the big one isn't it that's what

everyone wants to know

look you're not supposed to find this

out till later but the reason is

like a car circling a dream

wow

I mean when you lay it all out like that

it just makes so much sense I'm sorry I

yelled at you like that no that's okay

people are passionate about this issue

it's like Brittany and I were talking

about this the other day our parents are

oblivious pop culture is collapsing into

itself like a rotten melon the world is

horrible and it's never gonna get any

better this diet doesn't taste like Diet

see even something like this no one's

ever gonna give you what you want it's

like ears if you look at an ear just

look at it for like five minutes It'll

literally make you sick you know you're

sort of a downer well what is there to

be happy about when Vicki Summers talks

behind your back saying you were talking

behind her back and maybe you were and

maybe you did but maybe you had to

because some things cannot go unsaid and

some facts must be drawn like anyone

cares Vicki gets to wear eyeliner hey

Vicky cute haircut

oh smack sir smack this was a horrible

idea I forgot how depressing 13 year old

girls can be I'm no match for this make

excuses for me

where'd he go oh

um well he he didn't dematerialize and

go to hell I can tell you that much

churro

no thanks

well that really makes me feel good

about myself

okay dudes it's guy's choice so grab

whirler around the ring and ladies come

on give the guys a chance you want to

skate

there eat garlic demon daddy his feet

won't hurt you that's for sure

bet you weren't expecting to see me

who are you

honey

Daddy was trying to save your soul

you were really gonna thank me when you

die

funny

honey

oh honey I'm sorry your first date was

such a disappointment you deserve better

thanks Mom you know when you get older

and more experienced you'll learn to

recognize the signals and then you can

dump them first really oh yeah you can

make them cry

I'd like that

[Music]

Detroit has rallied behind the rescue of

little Lisa kopchek who apparently fell

down the well while staring up at a

double rainbow

oops

hey Dad hey buddy

sir did you save Megan from Satan well

actually I

yeah

I did Honey cool dad

you want a sweet tart thanks buddy

[Music]

foreign

[Music]