01x05 - Neighbor's Keeper

[bunniefuu]

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thank you

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[Applause]

okay another strike what do you know

foreign

why don't you just give up on him I

don't see this guy proving the world's

worth saving why don't you just talk to

you don't collect the insurance

damn it Oh I thought that was right in

The Sweet Spot

anyway it's too early to tell you for

Bob this isn't going to be one of your

40 year things oh God no I just don't

have that kind of patience anymore

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yes

no oh no no no no no boy that's gonna be

frustrating shut up shut up shut up shut

up shut up

foreign

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how can I go back to college I can't

even pick a major hey look I made a

little toenail guy tell me that doesn't

look like Bob Hope

yeah and there's a mole on your a*s that

looks like James Khan hey you were the

only one at that party who didn't think

so Bob would you just shut up and listen

ah okay

I'm listening okay the application

deadline is next Tuesday and I have to

declare a major I mean look at this

there are so many choices are you

rubbing my stomach well what do you know

I think I am Bob I can't talk while

you're doing that well it's no picnic

for me rubbing while you're talking but

I'm willing to tune you out because I'm

committed to this marriage you think I

don't know what's going on around here

Stacy you think I don't know and I'm

supposed to believe you care oh God the

bickmans we better check on the kids

she's gonna bring up her old boyfriend

Steve shuttlemire I should have married

Steve settlemire

you're right maybe

Steve settlemeyer was g*y

settled Meyer was g*y

he storms away he's in the truck donut

donut

okay bedtime oh

Oh Donna yeah Bob just an FYI

I'm wearing that thong you bought me

cut those on backwards

I know that I meant it as a joke

honey pick a side

[Laughter]

damn things don't come with instructions

I mean how are you supposed to know

women huh

whoa

did you call first or something I've got

to tell you right off the bat you did

not deserve that the thong thing very

playful very engaging

look what do you want I'm here as a

friend Bob do you remember what you were

like before you married Donna

no offense but you're a real man you're

a different woman every night the back

seat of your Maverick was a shrine to

cardinality what I don't remember any

women although there were a couple of

magazines I favored I'm speaking of a

bob that could have been

that would have been

but Donna walked that Bob over to a

ditch and put a b*llet in his head slide

over listen Bob sorry am I in your way

well sort of fine I have a board meeting

at Exxon

sorry to come by so late hey a

Posturepedic that's what I have

do you guys just get to invade my life I

was trying to sleep

unless I have a job for you now your

neighbor Stacy nice kid a little

confused I think we have an adultery

issue here

hey I only checked her out that one time

when she was washing her Jeep in her

bathing suit but that's not what I meant

they'll knock that off I want you to

save her marriage what do you mean Savor

marriage I don't know how to do

something like that or you have more

talents than you know Bob no I don't I

can rebuild a V8 I know Pig Latin after

that the list drops off pretty fast wait

don't go

oh man God the devil all this pressure I

don't think I'll ever be able to get

that

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I mean it's easy for God to ask but how

am I supposed to do it he never tells me

that you know I've been meaning to ask

you what color is he

well I knew it even then after like the

white man's keeping the black man down I

think maybe he appeared to me white you

know because he thought that it would

make me more comfortable

I see and did it make you feel more

comfortable Bob

Mike

so what did he tell you to do

he said that my neighbor was committing

adultery this is cresto she's gonna be

like 85. she does have that little Sly

smile Barry shut up it's not Mrs cresto

it's the woman across the street the one

who was washing a Jeep in a bathing suit

you weren't even there Barry then why do

I have a mental picture of her falling

out of her top you're a pervert with a

lot of time on your hands truth be told

Mikey takes less time than you think

can you drive in this mess you're gonna

criticize you live in hell tell me

something when you do this favor for God

what's he gonna do for you he didn't say

no why he's a user

I wouldn't okay I'm just looking out for

you and I appreciate it of course I have

to weigh that against the fact that

you're trying to damn my soul well sure

there's always that just

just think about it oh you can drop me

here

[Applause]

huh maybe the devil's right

you don't really believe that Bob what

go talk to Stacy

okay Stacy you've had your fun now

hey nobody likes monogamy but

kick your a*s man

oh geez it's Carl and there's Carl

Borden's hairy butt cresting over the

couch Carl Borden can you believe that

can we go back to the part where you

were peeking in Stacy's window okay once

again Donna you've missed the point

entirely and that point would be I mean

the guy's fat he's bald he's ugly it's

just not fair

to his wife what the hell were you doing

over there Bob God got into bed with me

and commanded me to fix Stacy and

Randy's marriage and that's why I was

looking in the window how many times do

we have to go through this you are not

God's Messenger on Earth at best you're

a deluded peeping Tom

do you think I'm feminine no you can't

wear makeup no that's not what I why not

why can't I wear makeup because your

father thinks it makes you look [ __ ] I

hate you Dad

what okay I've made some progress Bob

I've ruled out astrophysics engineering

and whatever this guy is doing with this

sheep embryo but other than that I'm

wide open can we talk at the commercial

Bob I'm not come on this is the episode

where Fonzie goes blind and here I am

trying to plan my future sorry Bob see

you in court all right sounds good hon

Bob God why didn't you do what I asked I

did

no Bob you didn't you rang the bell and

ran away like a little girl

you to help Stacy sitting on your can

watching TV isn't gonna feed the bulldog

what Bulldog what are you talking about

leave me alone

Bob you know by now I'm not going away

[Applause]

what I don't get to have TV until I do

this

your call

creator of the universe takes away my TV

adultery excuse me I'm sorry I thought I

would come up with something good in the

moment but I didn't so just stop it or I

don't get my TV back who the hell do you

think you are I'll tell you who the hell

I am I'm God's Little dancing monkey boy

and if you think I like it oh they're

there oh Stacy

oh come on Stacy you don't want to

embarrass yourself

or me

[Applause]

yeah screw it let it out

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that's it I'll be a zoologist I'm great

with animals mom you got scared at the

petting zoo well they're creepy all

those smelly goats with their distended

stomachs I'm just saying

Bob can I talk to you about my college

thing

you know I'd love to but I'm kind of

tied up with this beer here

just five minutes five minutes

well sure honey you know I'm always here

for you honey you know me better than

anyone

darn it well I've answered it now we

better put a pin in this yellow oh hi

Stacy how are you doing uh-huh

oh you feel like you're weakening

uh well are they sexual urges

oh boy oh boy

well we were both afraid of that now

weren't we

no don't call Carl

I'm on my way I'll be right back whoa

whoa whoa whoa whoa back it up Bob

what's going on well I'm doing the

Lord's work here honey I see and how is

this the Lord's work I'm keeping Stacy

from having sex with Carl is that where

you've been disappearing to lately

it's only been five or six times five or

six times Well Stacy has a very strong

sex drive look if you don't trust me I

don't trust you

oh man

the wrath of God Wrath of Don I wrath of

God rather

so uh College forget it Bob

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I mean who the hell does Randy think he

is treating me like that he's an airport

cop for crying out loud

you should see him when he doesn't want

something from me like food or sex or

food or sex he expects me to just shut

off like I'm his electric razor and he's

already shaved and all of a sudden his

razor starts talking to him he just

looks at me all surprised like I'm a

talking Appliance why does he do that I

don't know exactly when you don't know

something you just say you don't know

you don't tell me what to do or say or

feel

want to see me naked yes and what I mean

by that is no and I'm shocked that you

would suggest it

I can't help it one of my big problems

is when I feel close to someone the only

way I can express myself is sexually

and I'm feeling acrobatically close to

you well I think we've done some good

work here today uh you be sure to call

me if you need me

good night

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hey Bob come on it was going great in

there what's the problem I don't even

want to talk to you

oh is this 1968 Dodge Charger with a 440

Magnum engine and glass packs yes it is

six miles to the gallon

yeah I mean I know about the Eternal

damnation and everything but you have

the coolest car I've ever seen in my

life huh it gets me around

but I have a proposal for you let's find

the old Bob the Bob the Donna crushed

the Bob that's never satisfied hopping

okay

first let's get you in the mood

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I gotta tell you that was a little

disappointing hey the night is young we

have so much to explore let's start yeah

oh not really my type I understand I

understand

no that's not the what I meant boom boom

you rascal okay Baby's Got Back oh oh uh

no I don't know that's the beauty of it

you don't have to you can keep sampling

you could never find something better if

you stop looking

only you know what you really want no

one but no one can tell you what's right

for Bob not Donna

not even God

yeah

oh just tell me not to live just sit and

father life's candy and the sun's a ball

of butter who tells you you're allowed

to Rain on My Parade

I'm gonna live and live now get what I

want I know how one row for the whole

shebang one through that Bell will go

Clash I on the Target and wow one one

g*nsh*t

hey Mr I'm Steve yeah

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[Applause]

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get ready for me

I simply gonna March my heart's a drama

nobody no nobody is

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oh poor thing come in here

let's get those wet clothes off you okay

these lights are so harsh oh that's nice

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oh what was that the Ten Commandments I

rented it the other day oh great movie

ah what was that my marriage license

isn't this a great frame nice

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oh turn that up that's a great song you

know my wife's name is Donna

wait a minute I feel like someone's been

trying to tell me something

geez Louise I can't do this

oh

here's your paper

how did we live before Starbucks God boy

am I glad to see you you're gonna be so

proud of me I passed the test what test

I didn't sleep with Stacy that's not

what I asked you to do I was supposed to

sleep with Stacy I asked you to save

Stacy's marriage a simple clear request

this is why you people think I'm so

unknowable you don't listen look Bob

marriage is a sacred institution people

don't take it seriously enough these

days oh well it's easy for you to say

you've never been married I never found

the right girl I came awfully close once

you're kidding Julie Newmar the original

Catwoman

yeah I'm sorry what were we talking

about uh you were thanking me for a job

well done don't yank my chain Bob get

going

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Randy you got a lot of nerve coming

around here almond I know you've been

sniffing around my wife I just want to

talk to you well I'm gonna let Butch and

Lupe do my talking for me dear God he

named his fists you want to dance let's

dance

oh for hey I wasn't ready start over

all right I'm taking the Cuffs off and

we're gonna save this marriage now Randy

I think the reason Stacy's hand all

these Affairs is Affairs I thought there

was just the one whether it was one cry

for help or 27

cries for help the point is Stacy feels

like you don't listen to her I listen I

just have a lot of other things on my

mind I Randy just answer a simple

question

do you love Stacy yeah

Stacy do you want to work things out

with Randy well he's here well what is

keeping you two kids apart

Stacy can I have your hand

Randy

all right when the two of you solve this

problem you know where the key is

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will you stop that you know I've given

it a lot of thoughts and I'm forced to

admit it I'm quite a guy well that's

great Bob I couldn't be happier more

thrilled for you thanks

wait that's sarcasm what are you upset

about

uh the same thing I've been upset about

I've been trying to talk to you about

college and you don't listen what I

listen I just have a lot of other things

on my mind and

whoa

I'm sorry

tell you what

I want to sit here shut up and you just

uh tell me what's on your mind I feel

like an idiot

I've waited 14 years to go back to

school and now I'm here and I can't

believe how hard it is to make a

decision

what go on I'm listening I guess that's

all I have to say ah well

Maybe

nah what

maybe you're so worried about choosing

because you've been waiting for your

turn for so long that you're afraid if

you choose the wrong thing it won't work

out and you'll lose your turn

oh my God that is it oh good because uh

my other guess was PMS

listen honey I promise

you pick wrong you can pick again you

won't lose your turn yeah yeah you've

given up a lot you deserve it

you mean it of course

dad

yeah I lost another tooth

great son

are you and Mommy expressing your love

for each other in a beautiful and

natural way

uh-huh

so you want to see my tooth Andy you

know how you've always wanted to start

up my car

now's a good time cool Andy wait hey

this is why we have insurance

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