01x12 - God's Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

and Bob

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hey Dad do you think that I can swim out

to the raft and back this year I think

that you can do anything that you put

your mind to yeah can we go now can we

of course son

Donna what well I can't take him I just

unbuckled my pants come on Andy I'll

take you down to the beach I'll show you

the spot where your dad will be sleeping

tonight make sure Megan uses sunblock

yeah yeah I mean it last year I had to

spend an entire day in the room with her

I just I just can't do that again I got

it sunblock

I don't know why we even came to this

stupid resort with a stupid room and

stupid food and a stupid leg full of

stupid fish

oh I guess I'll go to the stupid beach

Wait your mother wanted me to give you

something

was it 10 bucks for the snack bar hold

this what did she think I'm made of

money sometimes I wonder about the

example she's setting for you kids

hey there stranger ah come on I'm on

vacation it must be nice to be able to

check out for a while me I'm always on

the job shepherding Humanity keeping

every Star in the heavens and perfect

little boy hide me what God

God is that you oh jeez tell me she's

talking to somebody else it is you well

here's my contact oh Sarah my Heavens

what a surprise uh Sarah this is Bob Bob

Sarah you can see him too sure God and I

go way back don't we Tiger Tiger not all

that far back really Sarah and I used to

work together sort of like you and me

Bob I'm sure you guys have some catching

up to do why don't I just sit here for a

few more minutes so what happened at

that restaurant in Pittsburgh

hmm you said you were going to the bar

to check on the game and you never came

back really you you'd think I'd remember

something like that well if you all have

dinner with me tonight I can refresh

your memory tonight oh boy I'm not sure

tonight's going to work Bob and I were

going to do that thing weren't we Bob

what thing

muscle spasm I'm sure you could squeeze

me in shall we say seven uh sure seven

it is

I know there's a lot about you we're not

meant to know but I gotta tell you

that was a little weird nothing weird

about it we worked together for a while

did some good things but then one day I

began to suspect she was

she was falling for me hey why not

you're smart you're reasonably good

looking you've got a steady job women go

for that stuff that's my own fault I was

driving a Miata

anyway it was clearly not something I

could pursue so I just well you know

ditched her I was gonna call I lost the

number hey I understand there's nothing

to understand well you can straighten it

all out tonight huh dinner

seven o'clock

remember tiger

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sincerely God PS I'm picturing you naked

mind your own business you know it's all

right to want to be with Sarah I feel

for you what good is it to be the most

powerful being in the universe if at the

end of the day you're crawling into bed

with sports center and a bag of Fritos

you and I both know a romantic

relationship between me and a human

being is impossible impossible you're

God after all you can do anything you

want

that is unless what you know Bob Dole

has become spokesman that wouldn't be an

issue why am I even having this

discussion with you I'm not going to

dinner and that's final she's going to

be very disappointed

hello Sarah what do you do got us

something to say to you I'll get you for

this

a Sarah hi no no no of course we're

still on I was uh just here trying to

remember who sang Ina Gotta Devita

Iron Butterfly of course why did I think

Foghat well I see it's seven

Terry's back wow this is great yes and

who do you think arranged for her to

find a room at this Resort on this very

busy holiday weekend there was friendly

Folks at the auto club no you idiot me

you know how Sarah always got to him

while God's shining his shoes and

squeezing into his girdle to impress her

we'll have a chance to finally make a

little Mischief in heaven heaven great

but are they 110 or 220 because I really

fried my travel iron in Europe

foreign

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but I could tell mom really wanted to

build a sand castle

oh why don't you just let me die now you

offer I just spent a hundred dollars on

school clothes a hundred dollars as hard

as I work

oh you you're both to blame for this

it's a sick pale northern European skin

you've stuck me with couldn't somebody

in this pathetic family have gotten off

their lazy butts crawled out of their

cave and slept with an Italian

found your problem die your shower head

is calcified it's that damned hard water

luckily I should have the parts we need

down in my truck don't you have a dinner

to go to Bob your Plumbing's in crisis

I'm afraid this can't wait you'll have

to give my regrets to Sarah well why

don't I fix the pipes and you go have

dinner with Sarah that's a great idea

you have dinner with Sarah and I'll stay

here and fix the pipes thank you wow I

thought that only worked on Elmer Fudd

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people don't line up like this for us

perhaps we should ask the genius who

came up with the slogan when there's an

awful smell you know you're in hell I've

gotten a lot of positive feedback on

that

all right have fun and don't forget your

free tote bag

well I'll be damned if it isn't Old

Scratch himself hey Pete thought I'd

look up some old friends is Eve in town

she's still not talking to you

um is this gonna take long oh I'm sorry

Mr Ferguson maybe while you're waiting

you can be thinking of an explanation

for this you and your brother's wife

behind the Arco station

get back in line

Souls they never change

okay if I let you in will you promise to

behave

hey it doesn't matter you know your

powers won't work here I'll give you 24

hours

but the dog stays here I'm not a dog I'm

a fully realized demon with hopes and

dreams deserving of the same kind of oh

my own water dish a guy could get used

to this

it's not perfect but he's distant he's

judgmental he's a freaking know-it-all

but he does have that k*ller smile look

why don't you give me that bottle why am

I embarrassing you Bob no I just wanted

a shot before you drank it all it's like

he knows I love pearls so he takes me to

Paris and gives me this beautiful

necklace whoa back up he took you to

Paris sure Paris Tahiti Rio Rio the

beach with the butt thongs jeez all I

got was Raging Waters and he made me

drive

I can't move my arms if you're any kind

of mother you'd have me in a hospital

right now I may need skin grafts you can

have some of my skin I don't want your

skin Mom Megan doesn't want my skin just

can it guys okay I've got to figure out

what happened to your father

isn't that Dad over there with that lady

oh great he gets to have adultery and I

can't even wear makeup

excuse me excuse me Archangel coming

through here oh look at this one lousy

raisin bagel how early do you have to

get here it seems a bit crowded in

heaven don't tell him I said this but

you know who's gone soft I wouldn't

believe who gets in here these days

your snows yellows

well Michael it looks like I came just

in time oh the souls what didn't it tell

you oh that God we met last week and

decided I take some of your overflow oh

praise God

of course you know how difficult this is

for me every soul is sacred

well back up the truck let's move these

yabbos

what's all this exit forms lovely

let's see here you want my name address

income this isn't going to put me on a

mailing list is it

here you are I can't believe how you

treated Sarah people have feelings you

know I know I mean how about taking me

to Paris sometime the fact of the matter

is I I had a different kind of

relationship with Sarah really she

happens to be a very special woman

oh no working relationship God's Got a

Girlfriend nothing happened the Supreme

Being the lord of the universe has the

hots for wanna knock that off Bob I can

still do the boil thing but why Sarah I

mean she's nice enough but you could

have chosen any woman in history I don't

know I can't explain it she just always

seemed to find a side of me I didn't

know was there

that was quite a night we came in second

smack

smack

[Applause]

ask me sir hey I was clearly distracted

that's pretty sad if you're satisfied

with that win smack listen to me this

transfer of souls is taking longer than

I thought I need you to go down to earth

and be my eyes and ears make sure God

continues to be distracted by Sarah

you think you can do that for me can I

do it sir I've dreamed of this moment

since I was a young demon at the Academy

I'm ready to step up take command of

what now you're taunting me that may

have been a mistake this will only take

a minute sir yes

you're okay Dad hey buddy

I'm worried about God apparently he's

got himself a girlfriend God likes girls

yuck tell me about it when a guy starts

dating a girl he forgets about

everything else he's remorse well that's

what I'm afraid of son I mean what's

gonna happen to the universe who's gonna

listen to our prayers can't we pray to

another God

I really should have taken you to church

you mean there's only one God yeah we're

screwed

what if I want a bike who do I ask

Ed well they're still Santa he's been

kind of a disappointment and they're

bigger implications I mean what if I

want a car

and there are probably other people who

want stuff what this is huge in fact the

more I think about it man can't live

without God we're out here wandering in

the wilderness and he's playing coochiku

with his Pookie woocoms can't you talk

to him oh I can't change his mind

but maybe I could change hers

don't be alarmed I'm obviously an angel

I've come with a message from God he

really likes you and he wants your bad

you sure you're an angel

pretty sure

why the horns uh they're well they're

actually a place to keep your keys or

maybe a donut while you're praising God

uh-huh

would you mind holding this for me oh no

problem glad to be it

okay almond

we're going in for the k*ll

wow I've got really tiny n*pples huh

yes uh Sarah they're uh cleaning my room

and something something mind if I come

in you know when I said we should do

this again sometime I was just hoping

you'd pick up the check I've outweighed

it better than you so I can't tell you

how much I enjoyed getting baked with

you tonight look if you don't mind I'd

really rather be alone and you're sort

of annoying glad that didn't go so well

okay plan B

Donald just have to understand I'm doing

this to save the world

Bob what the hell are you doing here I

might ask you the same thing I came by

to talk to Sarah to apologize not that

it's any of your business well I'm

afraid you're too late She's mine that's

ridiculous you're not even her type how

would you know I know okay

Sarah's a little needy sometimes she

gets dramatic and she's definitely high

maintenance all right that's it

ouch you heard her Bob both of you

ouch me what did I do do I have to call

security okay okay we're going

foreign

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it was kind of funny God handed his hat

given his walking

just shut up

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what that hey what kind of a god raids

another guy's Honor Bar those Cokes are

three bucks each I know I'm a wrathful

God you still angry about last night

that's over I'm not even thinking about

it well I'm gonna head down to the beach

do me a favor don't open the macadamia

nuts

foreign

everybody tells me I'm crazy

look there's always reasons not to do

stuff Wilbur but if it feels right well

you just gotta go for it

darn it it's right I'm not gonna spend

the rest of Eternity kicking myself for

letting her get away

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Bob hurry up Andy's almost back from the

raft way to go Andy did you see me did

you see me you bet sweetie you're my

hero let me get your towel nice going

son you did it yeah and talk about a

small world God's sitting on the rapper

some lady what

sorry biblical emergency

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so Sarah and God exactly where do you

think this is going

beats me I've never been the type to do

a lot of planning it's like with the big

bang I could have laid it all out

meticulously but it seemed more

interesting to set things in motion and

watch with wonders it all played out

plus I really wanted to blow something

up

leave them be let love bloom

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well hello there oh

away from me

and the Chase Begins

all right I'm willing to give it a try

but you should know that on Wednesday

nights I play poker and Sundays I still

pretty much sack out and watch golf fair

enough by the way I think I still owe

you a dinner you hungry it's at 11 in

the morning not in Paris let me just

check my messages and we can go

you have three billion new messages wow

you take a couple of days off God

let me get an infield hit oh when's this

guy gonna admit he can't hit a curveball

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don't do it dad don't do it oh crap oh I

it's Roy I'm desperate I don't know who

to turn to look there's about a million

of these I should probably try to do

something about why don't I send you

ahead and I

what

this isn't going to work

yeah I know I guess I've always known

why would you even consider because I

wanted it to work well I figured you of

all people had better judgment why I

created you and my image the likeness

everything you have in you I haven't me

I guess I can even lie to myself if I

want something enough

forgive me no

excuse me what we're supposed to go from

here who's better than you you well

that's true but I'm sure there's a guy

out there somewhere there always is

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bye Sarah I'll never forget you

yeah yeah

[Applause]

hi I'm gonna rest here for a minute yeah

sure whatever

hey look at this I just found the most

beautiful pearl down there what in a

lake of all places

where would something like this come

from oh I have some idea stop I can't

let you do this it's not

subtle

wait

I was told by a reliable source that you

were on this raft making out with God

okay then you folks go back to what you

were doing and I'll just be on my way

so how are we doing with the paperwork

great and as much as I love it here I I

I really should get back you know pick

up the mail throw out the dead hamster

that sort of thing so why don't I just

collect the cells we process so far very

well I'll bring them in him all of these

forms and I only get one Soul we are

very thorough if you'd like to stay

longer right no no I'll take him

I'm all packed lunch roll no I thought I

made it clear the first time this came

up I don't want him in hell it's not

fair to my other guests oh sure you take

JFK in a minute everybody loves Kennedy

you know he's still getting women up

here the Angels think it's Charming I

ask for one extra dessert and there's

greedy Technics and stuffing his face

with apple Brown buddy where are you

going um me nowhere I was just

oh look a communist wow

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I can't believe this we both grow Sushi

backpacking country music what a Croc

she hates country music oh well let it

go God you're better than this have a

nice life Sarah

foreign

bye Bob

bye dad

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