16x01 - The Natural Friends

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

BELL RINGS
Good evening.

Ahh!
SLURPS LOUDLY

Argh! Ah!

HE VOCALISES

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ah!

Huh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Hello, everybody,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

It's a brand-new series,
and I am a brand-new Greg Davies.

"Why, what's that, Greg?
Have you been working out?"

Of course I haven't.

I've just started the inevitable
age-related slide towards

more indefensible right-wing views.

And selfishness.

If this carries on, at this rate,
this show will be run by

a fat Jacob Rees-Mogg.

As if things weren't sexy
enough round here.

LAUGHTER
Mm!

So, what of our latest crop
of contestants?

Well, I'm not one to judge
people I don't know yet,

but gut instinct and on-set gossip
tell me that three of the five

will be eye-wateringly bad at this.

And with those sort of statistics
to whet your appetite,

let's not waste any more time.

Please welcome Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We all know the following slogans -
"just do it,"

"always the real thing,"

"I'm loving it."

The most enduring brands
all have one,

so why shouldn't he?

Please welcome friendless oddball...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Greg. Hello, there.

Are you hungry? I'm really hungry.
What have you bought for me?

Hm, well, I think you like canapes,
am I right? I love canapes.

Oh, they're so small
and delicious, aren't they?

Oh, my God. Pop 'em in.
Ah, well, here they are.

Here we go. Canapes!

Small and delicious.
LAUGHTER

Oh!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

Right, onwards!

What's the first prize task, Alex?

Well, I think it's fair to say
we're all in for a bit of laugh,

because you asked them to bring in

the most wonderful wooden thing
that they've owned for a while.

Bonkers.

The wooden thing Greg deems is
the most wonderful will get 5 points

to jump-start their series and,
at the end of the episode,

the winner will take home
five wonderful wooden things

to show all their friends
and families, or burn.

All right, Julian Clary, hello.

Hello, there. How are you?

I'm bearing up under the strain,
thank you. Perfect!

Erm, what wooden thing have you
brought in for me, Julian?

I've brought in a wooden table
that I once had commissioned.

Here is his wooden table.

LAUGHTER

And we're off. Yes.

Start as we mean to go on.

My friend was married to
a furniture maker,

and I suggested what I would like,

and he made it.

About 30 years ago, I think.

And now, you think you've,
what, outgrown it?

Well, it was hard to part with.

But I thought it
might win me a point.

LAUGHTER

What have you brought us,
Lucy Beaumont?

It's a wooden picture of
a boxer dog.

AUDIENCE AWWS

It's not a wooden picture
of a boxer dog,

it's a picture of a boxer dog
in a wooden frame.

Er, no, y-you're wrong, erm,

because it's possessed.

LAUGHTER

By - sorry, you obviously
misheard me.

Why is it possessed?

Because, in the house we lived in,

basically I got into bed, er,

I was just about to fall asleep,

and what felt like a boxer dog
got in bed with me.

And obviously, we don't have a dog,
but I could...

I felt, I could feel...

It's a very specific feeling.

Yeah, it is. Yeah.

For you to the breed of dog.

Because of its limbs, and then,

when he converted the garage,
we found that.

LAUGHTER

Are you genuinely claiming that you
felt the spirit of a boxer dog

climb into bed with you? When...

And then, you found this picture?
Yeah.

Right.
LAUGHTER

Sam, what have you brought us?

A Pinocchiooooo.

LAUGHTER
Would you...?

Would you like to see
Sam's Pinocchio?

I'd like to enjoy
his pronunciation one more time.

It's a Pinocchiooo!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Oh! That is the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.

But everything is long,
except the nose.

Oh, I see.

Wh-Why? Why?
LAUGHTER

He's never lied, this guy.

It's when other people lie to him.

It's a great tragedy, in a way.

I've heard enough.
You've heard enough? Yeah.

I mean, it's insane, innit?
It's insane.

Hm. Sue, hello.

I've bought, erm, an original
piece of art painted by Henry,

the liberated chimpanzee.

Here we go. Ah. Wow.

That's mixed media. Erm...

..acrylic, wood, banana puree.

LAUGHTER

So, I went to a chimp sanctuary...
Yeah. ..where all the chimps

had been sadly experimented on,

but they'd been released
into this beautiful,

sort of, forest environment.

And the boys had never
met girls before.

And there was an introduction day.

And all I can describe is...

..sex-gedden.

So, the chimpanzees ran at
each other with real, real need.

Apart from Henry, who just
climbed...top of a pole,

and he stayed there, and later,
when I'd left the sanctuary,

they sent me this.
It's signed at the back.

So, if I've got this right,
you observed a monkey orgy...

Yes! A morgy, yes.

A morgy.Yeah.
LAUGHTER

One of the monkeys wasn't
interested in the morgy.

Er, he climbed a stick,
looked lonely,

he painted you a picture.
Yes, he did.

Weirdly, ever since I've had it,

every night when I get into bed,
I feel...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, incredibly, more believable

than the spirit of a boxer dog.

LAUGHTER

Susan, welcome.

Hi. What wooden thing have
you brought me?

A wind chime.

It's not haunted!

There it is.

It's not really wooden, though.
Erm, yes.

I mean, to be fair,
it seems more shell-based.

Talk us through your wind chime.

I went to have a look at a
volcano in Costa Rica.

And when I saw the volcano,
I thought it was really beautiful,

and so I started crying.

And then, this lovely lady
came up to me, and she said,

"Why are you crying?"

And I said, "Because this is
really beautiful."

And she went, "Well, then,
you can take something with you."

And she pulled out this wind chime,
and she gave it to me.

Oh, God. And then, I looked in
the gift shop, and she'd just

basically bought it and was
trying to palm it off.

LAUGHTER
Wow.Mm-hm.

It's quite a sweet story.

Unfortunately, it's an awful object.

It's fairly easy to score
this, isn't it?

Sorry, Lucy, it was an enchanting
story, but I don't want that.

So, I'm only giving you 1 point.


Well done, Lucy.

And you can get 2 points,
and thank you me for them.

OK. Thank you.

What do I want?
I'm quite frightened of yours, Sam.

I'm giving it 3 points, and I think,
just cos it's such a big,

heavy bum table, it has to
take the 5 points. OK.

So, 4 to Sue, 5 to Julian,
there it is. Well done, Julian.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, let's see them in action.

What's first, please,
little Alex Horne?

Well, Greg Davies, we start with
a canny little task.

Ooh!

Hello?

Oh, it's you. Hi.

This is the living room,
and that is Greg Davies.

Don't look... Don't look him
in the eye. Thank you. Yeah.

Hi. Hi, Julian, I'm Alex.

Sam Campbell.

Do you think anyone's going
to find the secret task?

I don't know about that.

I was just wondering,
do you think anyone's going to

find the secret task this series?

I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Not me. No? No.

{\an8}They look lovely like that.

{\an8}Why do they bother putting
labels on them?

Ah.

{\an8}"Build a tower out of the
cans in the lab.

"You must" - oh, for g...
oh, what? Ah!

"You must put on your blindfold
in this room,

"and wear it properly for
the rest of the task.

"Tallest tower wins.

"You have five minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Where's the blindfold?

In the can.

Can you get a can of blindfold?

Yeah.

LUCY: Is it in the can? Oh!

Where do you buy
blindfolds in cans from?

{\an8}So, the... What's this?

{\an7}LAUGHTER

OK. Can you see anything, Sam?

Nah. Sam? What's up?

Great.

You've now only got
four-and-a-half minutes.

What?! No!

"Five minutes!"
Oh, yeah, it did say five minutes.

See you later. Bye!

No, no, no, no.
You've gotta put it on this room.

Huh?

Leave the room now?

That's not a door.

Well, the door was here.

What is that? It's quite sharp.

No, the door's there.
Door's still there. What's that?

Goes further... Ah!

Yeah, that's a whole
minute gone now.

Here it is. And off we go.

There's a little door.

Erm, just a reminder to everyone,

the task was not,
"Get out of this room."

Julian, you seemed to have
a sizzling contempt for Alex

I detected early on. Oh, really?

Well, yes. Yeah.

It sort of evolved, but I mean,
he's ever so nice, really.

But he does grate, you're right.
Oh.

Er, and Susan, I felt quite
sorry for initially,

because she seemed quite defeatist.

She went, "Who'll find the
secret task? Not me."

And I thought, "Don't be
so negative. Be positive.

"Talk yourself up" - and then,
I watched the rest of the video,

I thought, "No, it won't be you."
LAUGHTER

OK, we're going to start by
seeing these two people,

Lucy Beaumont and Susan Wokoma!

It's not something you want to do
fast, is it, really? Cos...

..you don't want to be injured.

Why does the corridor feel like
it's getting narrower?

It's like a nightmare.

Oh, Christ. Oh, yeah, here we are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

This is the door! The door.

Oh, Christ. Oh, yeah, here we are.

What was that?

Are you meant to be leading me - oh!

Ahh!

I think...I think there was
a tower there, you know?

Fine! Fine, fine, fine.

Still got two minutes.

Alex. Yes? Where are you?
I'm just here.

One minute left.

Why...! These are not sufficient.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Do I have to build these
from scratch?

All the information's on the...
Oh, for Go...!

I don't - well, I can't read it,
can I?

That's fine.

You've got 30 seconds. Yeah.

Ten seconds, Lucy.

Do you know what I feel?

Five seconds left.
Should stop there.

Are you sure? Yeah, I feel like
I'm going to ruin it.

Are you going to do it, or not?

No.

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK. I'll measure the tower.

You can leave now.

APPLAUSE

Erm, Lucy, how did you feel
watching that?

I don't know what you give points
for, you know, you might...

Oh, in this case, it's for how
high the stack of cans is.

Just how high. Yeah. Yeah,
and you measure it, yeah, yeah.

Do you remember what you said when
you were ineffectually putting

one can on top of each other,
and they kept falling off?

Cos I've written it down. Yeah.

Erm, you said,
"These are not sufficient."

She is the winner so far, she...
She is the winner so far.


Lucy a six-can tower.

Is that cos there were six cans
left standing from the tower

that she knocked down?
That she made.

How did she make it?
By knocking it down.

Right, now for a smidge
of Julian Clary,

and a smudge of Sam Campbell.

So, I take this can with me?

Yes.

Oh, am I...? Oh, sh*t.

Oh...
AUDIENCE OOHS

Oh, sh*t.

This is bullshit, dude.

Pardon? Nothing.

I've never felt such high things.

Whoa! What the heck...wait.

OK.

APPLAUSE

Stop the clock.

Well, it doesn't have that function,
we have to wait.

OK. I'm just going to lie down.

I'm tempted just to leave it...

..cos I'm going to make it worse,
aren't I?

Oh, going again?

Oh.

I expect you're enjoying this,
are you?

HE CHUCKLES
Ten seconds.

Five seconds left. Five seconds.

WHISTLE BLOWS
There we are.Oh.

Wow, that was a roller-coaster.

But the... The game's over?

Do, er, you put -
do you want me to...?

Yeah, thank you.

Sorry.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, things are starting
to hot up now. Ooh.

What I found intriguing, Julian,
is that when some cans fell off,

virtually no emotional
response from you.

Ah, you'll find as
the series go along,

there's very little
emotion from me.

Zero emotional response from you.

You curled up in
the foetal position.

I thought if I got really low,
the tower would be even higher.

LAUGHTER

If only that's the way
the world worked.

Right, it's time to honour
the passing of part one.

Alex, please. Mm-hm.

PLAYS SINGLE NOTE

PLAYS HIGHER NOTE

PLAYS TRADITIONAL OUTRO

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! And welcome back to
the first episode of

this fresh new series.

Mm, yes. I think this is
the freshest I've ever felt, Greg.

And my secret -
wet wipes everywhere.

Everywhere.
LAUGHTER

But back to the task -

they're trying to stack cans
whilst blindfolded.

There have been some disasters
and some successes.

Now finally, some Sue Perkinses.

You went a little bit too far there.

Yes, I could feel my buttocks
have made contact with something

that possibly they shouldn't.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm advancing.
You're doing very well.

You're not in any danger.

You'll just bump into something...

You've just bumped into something.

Oh, it's OK. So, I'm just going to -
do I have to...?

What an absolute shower
of shits you are.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is there an existing tower?

I can't answer your question.

SHE SIGHS
This is...

Because if I...

I've just answered that question.
Yes, you have. Yeah.

Is there another tower?

I can't answer your question.

Once again, I've found the a...

Is there a tower here?
You've got 32 seconds left.

Is there a tower here?
WHISTLE BLOWS

Sue. Yes? Sue, your time is up.

Do you mind just holding steady,
so I can have a look at your tower?

Oh, I see. Would you mind just...?

I hope you counted it quickly,
cos it's just...

Mm, is it a self-standing tower?

Some of it's self-supporting. Yeah.

Well, not self-supporting,
it's supporting by my groin.

Which is structurally
unsound increasingly.

I'm looking up at you,
but I don't know where you are.

But just, in my mind's eye, you're
over there, just up here somewhere.

Has he gone? He's gone, hasn't he?

He's gone.

OK.
APPLAUSE

You started off with almost
military confidence, I felt.

Yes. There was a lot of quite
c*ck corridor energy.

I really wanted to follow you
into battle at that point.

Don't, is my advice...
No, I shan't. ..now you've seen.

You also quoted the Bible. Erm...
Oh, I missed that.

Er, "You absolute shower of shits,"
that's Book of Revelations.

LAUGHTER

Did she make a tower in her lap?

I think we have to say, it has to be
a free-standing tower, I think.

So, it's one, then. One can tall.
Yeah.

Sue, er, gets 1 point.



Susan gets 3 points. 4 to Julian.



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done.

Well, hm, should we have a quick
look at a scoreboard, then?

We can, Julian's in the lead,
with 9 points! Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done, Julian.

Right, I believe the people
want more tasks, Alex.

I also want more tasks,

and world peace, and equal rights
for personal assistants,

but for now, it's the first
team task of the series.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Good morning. Good morning.

Hello, Susan. You all right?

Please, could you stand
behind the white box?

I've put all your
favourite things in it.

We're talking a carabiner.

We're talking rubber bands.

Heavy-duty clips.

Zip ties.

Harnesses.

Jockey straps.

Absolute smorgasbord
for a kidnapper.

"A smorgasbord for a kidnapper."

Oh, my God.

Hello.

LAUGHTER

Hello.

SUSAN: Massive rope.

We've got these things,
which is normally done in crime.

I think you know
everything's here now. Yeah.

OK, off you go.

SHE MOUTHS

Ahh!
THEY LAUGH

You all right?
I'll come and give you a hu...

Am I allowed, is that...? Yeah.

Hey!
THEY GIGGLE

JULIAN: Hello.
SAM: Nice to see you.

You guys are part of a team.

Oh, great.

OK. No "hellos" or anything,
just straight on with it.

Oh, yes.

You are now a team.

BOTH CHEER

Yay! I'm really glad!

You may open the task.

Ooh. Oh, wow.

Oh, hello, Lucy.
SHE MOUTHS

This is Sam and Julian.
This is Lucy. Hiya.

How's it going?
WHISPERS: You all right?

Lucy's also in your team.
FLATLY: Oh, great.

Come and join us.

WHISPERS: I've not seen you before.
I know.

All right? Yes, I'm so happy.

OK. OK! Ahh!

JULIAN: "Connect the most
individual parts of one person...

.."To individual parts
of another person.

"All members of your team
must be connected."

What? Oh-h*-h*!

Ooh, gone rather Marquis de Sade.

This is, what...?
OK, "You've got ten minutes.

JULIAN: "Your time starts now."

Alex, there are bulldog clips here.
And we're ladies.

Yeah, where's that going to go?
What's wrong with you?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I found the arrival
of everyone individually, er,

some of the most awkward television
I've ever seen in my life.

At one point, Lucy said,
"I've not seen you before."

And Julian replied, "I know."

Look at the way these
two greeted each other, like -

I hope this isn't offensive -
old-school village idiots.

And then, the nipple
clamps came out.

LAUGHTER

OK, well, shall we start with
the two people with the same name?

It's the team known as the Sues!

Hang on, let's see how...

I think you might, er, well...

That's so painful! OK.

You can use your clothes.

So, it doesn't have to be skin?
It doesn't need to be skin-on-skin.

Cos that looks like that
would rip skin.

First up, shall we have your
right arm, my left arm?

Let's connect those to start.
Yeah. OK.

Going to have to stand quite close.

Wrap this round your right hand.
OK, my right.

So, we'll be facing each other
in the end. All right, got it.

Let's cut that. OK, right, like,
where do you want me to cut?

Just anywhere there. OK.
Just not through the hand.

Feel like I've achieved something.
Oh, I think we cut...

Oh. Aha! I did wonder!

Right, you had one job.
That was like a magic trick. OK.

You've got two minutes left.

I've got a bit of give here.

Is gut - is gut a body part?

One of the best.

Very nice to meet you, by the way.

I mean, I don't meet people often
like this but... Yeah.

..I mean, as an ice-breaker,
wonderful, isn't it?

Ooh! If you just... Yeah.

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK, just going to check
the connections.

So, we've got neck, wrist...

Yeah. Boobs.

..other wrists, boobs, er, gut,

{\an8}ankle, foot. OK, I think
I've got all your connections.

Er, that's just a...

Just for you, as well.

AUDIENCE OOHS
How are you going to open that?

There's more? Oh, there's more.

OK. Got it?

Oh, for goodness' sake.

APPLAUSE

Was there much of a system,
do you think?

I think it was mainly panic,
rather than process-driven.

But you were gut-to-gut,
boob-to-boob. Boob-to-boob.

You didn't like saying "boob,"
I noticed. Made me laugh.

No, but I thought it a lot
that night. Yeah, I bet you did.

LAUGHTER

There were 12 connections
altogether,

but that wasn't the task.

We don't know what
the actual task is yet. No.

Show me the natural friends.

LAUGHTER
OK.

When chemistry explodes.

Here come the natural friends,
also known as JLS -

Julian, Lucy, and Sam!

Can I say my pitch? Mm-hm.

Chop off a little bit of everyone's
hair, put it in, you know...

Mm-hm. I don't mind doing that,

because my daughter put a Fruitella,
you know, in my hair.

And I can't get it out.
Er, and I keep getting other thi...

I've got a bit of cotton wool
stuck it in, as well.

So, I'm really happy to cut off
all that, if you want.

We haven't got any scissors, though.
They're in here.

We could use a saw.
Oh, there is, yeah.

Are you happy to lose some strands?

Well, only a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, same from the back.

Do you want to just
cut it off, then?

You're totally sure? I think so.

Definitely do this.
Just as low down as you c...

Oh.

You're not having that much
of my hair. Oh, gosh.

Can you take a tiny bit of mine?

Mine's, I'm not being funny,
quite a nice cut?

If I do it sort of in the middle,
then you won't,

you can cover it with
the other bits.

OK, hang on... Ooh.

Oh, shriek.

Oh!

I'm going to cut Sam's hair.

Open sesame.

Shall all we hold it?

That's pretty good, I reckon.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Need to inspect the connections,
and I'll give you...that.

Oh, this is a second part? Yeah.

"You're now ready for
the actual task.

"Cross the finish line with all
connections still connected.

{\an8}"Fastest wins.

{\an8}"Your time starts when Alex

"blows...his...whistle."

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK.

Yay!

{\an8}SLOW-MOTION DISTORTED: Yay!

{\an7}APPLAUSE

Great, I'll go and count these,
you can go inside. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks so much. Bye-bye.

HE SNIFFS

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow.

Well, there you go,
that's what this show does,

it brings people together quickly.

First of all, I think the
idea is brilliant.

It was Sam's idea, right?
What have you got more of than hair?

Could've done it with blood.

Could've done it with bits
of our blood.

Oh, well next time.

LAUGHTER

Cos you say all this stuff,
you know,

"oh, the unnatural friendship,"
or whatever but,

I think it helped, like...

Do you know that boys
that got stuck in the cave? Yeah.

Wow. The divers that saved them,
they were like all people, like,

they were like,
"Did you feel anything?"

They go, "Nothing."
They're clinical guys.

But they're capable of just
amazing things.

Did they swap hair?

They didn't swap hair,
they just do this diving.

And they're not like
bubbly personalities, no offence.

But they...
LAUGHTER

They saved those boys, man.
They did.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Breaktime again.
Bye-bye, bum-bums!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back
to Taskmaster!

Yes, there's a classic
two-part team task in play.

They had to connect the most
individual parts of one person

to the most individual
parts of another,

but didn't know they'd then
be asked to race across

the finishing line still connected.

That didn't matter for
the team of three,

with their cunning hair play.

But what about the team of Sues?

Well...good luck, here we go.
THEY LAUGH

"You are now ready for
the actual task."

You sh*t giblet.
LAUGHTER

OK, well, good luck.

I'm going to... OK.
Shall we move the inside...?

Here we go!
WHISTLE BLOWS

..or the outside legs? Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear. That step's going
to be interesting. Yeah.

One, two, three. Three.

Ooh, hello! Oh, my knee's gone!

Oh, yeah.

I'm dragging the box.
The box is coming with us.

Let's go. Come on, boxy!

Right, I'm going inside leg,
outside leg. OK, OK.

Ah! Inside... Ah! ..outside.

Inside... Ooh! ..outside.

That's pulling quite heavily
on the groin. It is - on the groin?

It's all good. OK.

The box is still attached!

STRAINING LOUDLY

Glory photo finish! Yay!

SLOW-MOTION DISTORTED! Yay!

You made it!

APPLAUSE

I mean, it looked painful,
and you did at some point, Sue,

say, "This is pulling quite
heavily on the groin." Yeah.

I enjoyed you calling him a
"sh*t giblet," though. Very nice.

That's actually from King Lear.
Cordelia said that. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

But you did make it across the line,
and that's to be celebrated.

They did make it across the line.
We don't know who's won yet, Greg.

We do. We do. We do. We do.

We know some by margin,
but you know,

if you want to build it up...
Yeah. "Ooh, who has won?"

Oh, it was these guys, easily,
by miles. Yeah.

Yeah, the team of three crossed
the line in 11.5 seconds.

Team of two, just over 90 seconds.

OK. OK.

So, I'll give 5 points to these
three, and I'll give 2 points...

WHISPERS: Five points!
..to these two. Fair enough.

Thank you very much. So, it's


There we are. They're the winners.
APPLAUSE

And I would like to have another
fine task, if you please.

And, to really spoil you,
here's our first location task.

Oh, hello. Hello.

Hello, Sam. Come through.

Watch out, watch out for the duck.

It's the only sport I'm good at.

What do you mean? Hook a duck.

A sport? Well, you know.

It's the only thing
I was good at as a kid.

How good were you at it?

I used to be able
to hoo-hoo-hook the ducks.

Oh, well that is good. Yeah.

"Get the duck into the lake."

JULIAN: "Get the duck
into the lake."

EERIE MUSIC

"Get this duck into the lake.

"You must not touch the beak.

SUSAN: "If the duck leaves
the course, it must re-enter at

"the point it left the course.

"If your duck touches
the boundary...

SAM: .."Or a flamingo...

SUE: .."Or a pineapple...

JULIAN: .."One minute will be
added to your time.

"Or a flamingo?" Bloody hell.

It's all go, innit?

SUE: "Fastest wins.

"Your time starts now."

Thank you very much.
Pleasure, good luck.

OK thanks.

APPLAUSE

Lucy, tell me about the hook-a-duck?

It was something you were
genuinely good at.

Yeah, I wasn't very sporty,
you know, cos I did...

I wasn't either.
But you've got legs, haven't you?

I've got legs.
And I have, but they're...

I've got legs for miles, baby.

LAUGHTER

I think my legs are actually
arms without fingers.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

They fold up, you know,
they fold, like,

I can cross my legs really well.

You think you've got
four sets of arms?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I've not had it proven but...

What do you mean - I'm sorry...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

What do you mean you can really
fold them well, your legs?

Mine fold like arms.

With feet, I've got feet. Yeah.

I'm not complaining. No.

We have to carry on with
the show, Greg. I don't...

We do have to.

The first names on the bill
are Sue, Sam, and Lucy.

Well, you can't touch the flamingo.

Yeah, or the beak.

Don't touch the beak.

Yeah, so watch out for
the flamingos and, yeah.

{\an8}Oh-h*! It's touched that one.

{\an8}Yeah, it's sort of left.
Is that all right?

{\an8}Yeah, you're meant to stay on
the course ideally, yeah.

{\an8}Yeah.

I mean, if I don't do this,

it's going to constantly
touch the boundary.

Make this as wide as possible.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

So sorry, I've cut you
in half, love.

Argh!

I'm just thinking, is there
another way to do it, but...?

Come on, little ducky.

It's actually quite relaxing.

Has it touched anything yet?

SAM: It's touched everything!

Right darling. Let's get you
into your natural habitat.

I've stopped the clock.

Did it touch the boundary?

Yeah. How many times?

About 12?
LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Sue moved the boundary. Hm.

Lateral thinking. Yes.

She moved the obstacles
out of the way.

Mm-hm, lateral thinking, yeah.

Lateral thinking was allowed,
was allowed.

How does that make you two feel?

Angry. Then disappointed,

because, no offence to you, Sue,
cos I like you a lot, actually,

But it doesn't say you can do that.

I mean, if you went through life
just always moving the boundaries,

you know, like a 70mph,
it doesn't say don't go at 90mph.

LAUGHTER
It does.It literally does.

Feel it's a difference between

a light entertainment comedy
format and the law.

And a well-established British law.

So, do you mean for, like,
all these, you can just

change the rules?

I haven't changed the rules
on any of these things!

My feeling is, in terms of avoiding
the things that would penalise you,

you did it very badly. Hm.

And the size of the duck
also affected play. Yeah.

It was a big duck.

Well, look, Sam did it
in two minutes, 20.

Lucy, two minutes, 44 -
which is great, but then,

she only hit ten things,
but that's an extra ten minutes.

And Sam hit nine things,
so it's an extra nine minutes.

Sue, nine minutes, 45 -

so seven-and-a-half minutes
slower than Sam.

But she didn't touch anything,

so she actually beat him by
a minute-and-a-half.

Good, OK. Break time.

Who will take home Julian's
old wooden bum table,

and Sam's horrific Pinocchiooo?

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back!

You join us for
the final part of the show.

Yes, it's nearly bedtime,
but we still need to see two people

pushing giant ducks towards a pond.

So, finally, let's gander
at Julian and Susan.

Right, then.
I mustn't touch the beak.

Oh, definitely not.

There's not really any other bits.

Oh, actually, hang on.

If the beak's facing me,
I know I'm going to touch it.

That's a big girl, innit?

Come on.

Come on, girl! Ah!

Ooh.

JULIAN EXHALES

I think you clipped one flamingo.

I think it was the wind.

Oh, was it?
Right, OK, I'll put that down.

Come on, girl!

I'm nearly there.

It'd be lovely if it goes in
on his bottom.

Well, there was nothing in
the rules about that.

No, that's true.

Ahh! This is going to be
so satisfying!

Yeah!
SHE LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bye!

Why's he doing that?

I think he's getting excited.

I've stopped the clock.

Sorry he's on his side,

but that's how it happens.

APPLAUSE

Well, Julian's was quite
a haphazard technique, wasn't it?

Well, it was quite hard work for,
you know, an ageing h*m*.

LAUGHTER

Julian slid and bounced it there
in four minutes, 15,

with just a two-minute penalty,
so 6:15 - he's in the lead.

Susan. Hi.

You said, and I quote,

"If the beak faces me,
I know I'm going to touch it."

Is that a compulsive disorder
of some kind?

That's just me being absolutely
aware of my limitations.

And beak-touching is one of them?

Honestly, just keep
a beak away from me.

LAUGHTER

Halfway along the duck drag,

you turned into a character
from EastEnders.

And started repeatedly saying,
"Come on, girl."

I mean my impression is that
Susan did brilliantly there and...

She did.
..is going to be the victor.

No punishments at all.
Three minutes, 20.

Absolutely smashed it.

However... Uh-oh. Oh.

Oh, come on, girl!

LAUGHTER

You've done me up like
a kipper, you slag.

Remember the rule about
the not touching the beak?

I have to show you this extra
little video, here we go.

Ohh.

I mustn't touch the beak.
Oh, definitely not.

BUZZER

I might've touched the beak.

Erm, yeah Lucy you've just
exited the course, I'm afraid.

Don't touch the beak.
Don't touch the beak?

BUZZER

Ah, sh*t.

Which means that, because of that,
Sam actually gets 3 points.

It's 4 points to Sue, but it's


There it is!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

May I see the scores before
the studio task, please?

The leader is Sam at the moment,
with 16 points.

Wow!
APPLAUSE

Right, for the first time
this series,

would you please make your way
to the stage for

the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, young fellow m'lad.

Who will be reading
the final task out?

Susan Wokoma, please.

"Say whether you think the next item
is heavier or lighter

"than the previous item.

"If you are wrong,
you are eliminated.

"Last person standing wins."

So, I'll go over to the other end.
Goodbye.

Julian, eight loo rolls.

Heavier or lighter than
one large duck?

Oh, we could play this at home,
couldn't we? I know.

Lighter.

You're saying the duck is heavier
than the loo rolls.

Oh, I'm going to get the audience
to go "whoo". Oh, yes.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

OK. Let's find out.

Remember, if it's heavier,
the duck will go down.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE OOHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Correct! Julian survives.

We now move on to Lucy Beaumont.
Oh, God.

Pineapple - heavier or
lighter than duck?

Well, that's heavier, isn't it?
Oh, yes, it is.

Heavier than a duck, you say.

AUDIENCE OOHS

CHEERING

Hello, Sam. Welly? Oh.

Heavier or lighter than a pineapple?
Oh, that's a tricky one.

Can I ask questions?
You can ask me one.

Are you a child of divorce?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

He's used up his question.

So, heavier or lighter?

I think wellington,
heavier than a pine...apple.

He says it's heavier.
Let's find out.

AUDIENCE OOHS

CHEERING

Heavy wellies.
Sue, welly...or flour?

Flour. Flour heavier.

Can I just say, before you
pull that out obviously?

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Ohh!

One wellington, more than 1.5kg?

You have to now hold the one
to indicate that you're out.

It's quite heavy. Oh, it is very...

You utter sh*t.

LAUGHTER

No thank you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, it's your turn, Susan.

Is the bell heavier than the flour?

Erm...Sue, I'll give you permission
to put that down, if you like.

LOUD THUD

OK. I'm going to say the bell.

The bell's heavier
than the flour, let's see.

Audience noise.

AUDIENCE OOHS

sh*t. Susan's out.

So, we're back to you, Julian. OK.

It's candlestick time.

Heavier or lighter than the bell?

Lighter.

It was a quick answer.

Hm, mercifully quick,
some would say. Yeah.

AUDIENCE OOHS

What do I have to do now?
I-I'm out? Yeah, you're out.

You're out, yeah.
But you get the bell. Oh, well.

Be still, my beating heart.

LAUGHTER

It's Lucy versus Sam.

I guess.
And we're moving on to the teddy.

Heavier or lighter than
the candlestick?

Think that's heavier.

The candle's heavier?
Pull the stick. Yeah.

Oh, sh... No!
You can see it's not.

Oh, b*stard.
AUDIENCE OOHS

We've lost Lucy.

However, Sam still has to get
one right to win the task,

cos so far, he's only got one.

So, this is a big moment.

Good luck, Sam.

It's teddy versus leaf blower.
Oh! Oh, my God.

You know it's a heavy teddy.

You're going to say
I'm crazy for this one,

but I think they have equal weight.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You can change your mind,

if you want to make
everything easier.

Teddy, teddy, teddy, teddy.

The teddy's heavier?

Yeah, yeah, it's heavy.
It's really heavy, yeah.

LAUGHTER

If the leaf blower
is lighter than the teddy,

then Sam Campbell will win
the task outright.

Oh, my God.

Come on. Oh, my God.

AUDIENCE OOHS

ECSTATIC CHEERING

YOU MADE ME CHANGE IT!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was so good.
That was... That's good.

Much, much heavier in the end.

LAUGHTER

We'll add it to the final scores,
please come and join me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that was exciting, wasn't it?

Yes, it meant Sue and Susan
didn't get any right.

They came joint fourth,
so they get 2 points each,

and we have three people who won
the task, even though they only

got one thing right,
they get 5 points each.

So, that's Julian and Lucy, and Sam.
All won the task!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the winner of the first show
of the series, with 21 points,

it's Sam Campbell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam Campbell wins!

Please, wander up to worship your
wonderful wooden winnings!

CHEERING

What have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if you put
a human being in a tricky situation,

they can be thoughtful, resourceful,
and sometimes ingenious.

We've also learnt that some people
think they've got arms

instead of legs.
It's a funny old world, isn't it?

See you soon. But for now,
please applaud the first winner

of the series, Sam Campbell!