16x02 - Hell Is Here

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

BELL RINGS
Good evening.

Argh!
SLURPS LOUDLY

Argh! Ah!

HE VOCALISES

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ahh!

Huh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody, I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.

I hope you don't mind, but I thought
I'd take this opportunity to

quickly answer some of the questions
from members of the public.

Here we go.
Do I watch the show back?

No, my physical decline is
deeply upsetting to me.

Do I wear those socks by choice?

No, I don't, it's a novelty
format point forced upon me

by those more excited
by contrived broad eccentricity.

Three - is Alex actually tall?

No, he's just over five foot.

Four - why do I keep insulting him?

Because he's had a soft upbringing,

and it has made him weak.

Now, questions over,

let's ask some more pertinent ones.

Who are the five chosen ones
who will dance through

the fire of Olympic-level
endurance this week?

Ha, I'll tell you!
They are Julian Clary...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And sitting next to me,

a man who once privately told me
that if it was up to him,

Scotland would be physically
sawn off from the UK

and floated into the North Sea -
to quote him,

"We'll soon find out how much
they want independence

"when all they've got to eat
is shortbread." It's...

HIGH-PITCHED: ...little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I'm very busy at
the moment. Phew!

I got asked to, er, do the Christmas
lights in Chesham, where I live.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

So, I put them up. Put them up.

Store them in my spare room...
Yeah. ...where I was sleeping,

so I'm now in the living room.

Yeah. And, er, Russell Grant's
turning them on.

Good. OK, let's move on
to the prize task.

Yes, please!
I'm on it, you big, bad boy.

And today, you've asked them
to bring in the best sign.

The best sign will get five points,
and the winner of the episode

will take home five signs -
and that's me signing off.

Susan, welcome back to the show.
Hello.

Have you got a great sign?

It's the sign of... Of?

...c*ck Pond, Clapham Common.

Here it is.

Ooh!
AUDIENCE OOHS

A few years ago, I was like,

"Oh, I was born in London,
but I don't really know London."

Right. So then, I started going
on London walks -

which is when you wake up
really early on a Sunday,

and you follow normally a jaded
actor around bits of London,

and there is a walking tour where
you go and look at dirty signs,

erm, around London and, er,
this is one of my favourites,

because I'm a child, apparently.

Yeah.Erm, yeah.
LAUGHTER

I like c*ck Pond. Thanks.

You can quote me on that. I will.

LAUGHTER

Sue, pond full of c*ck -
can you beat it?

This is a sign from a well-known and
beloved broadcasting institution.

Here's Sue's sign.

Don't know if you remember
that the BBC sold

the BBC television studios.
I do remember.

Er, yeah, and it was a terrible,
dark day. Terrible decision, yeah.

And I filmed the last pilot
in there... OK.

...on the day that it was shut down.
Yeah.

When we came out,
it was like the end of days.

It was - it... People were just
pulling down signs,

pocketing treasures.

They were basically asset-stripping
the BBC from the inside out.

LAUGHTER

And I thought, "This is awful,"
and I can't...

And I just saw the signs, and then,
Claudia Winkleman said,

"I'll give you a bunk up."
And so...

LAUGHTER

...she gave me a boost,
ripped 'em off the wall.

She took a stage door one.
Popped it down.

And off we trundled.

I mean, to be honest, Sue,

Winkleman's got "petty thief"
written all over her. Yeah.

It's a great prize.
It might get you a few points.

OK. Sam.

Let me take you away from
this, erm, studio.

We're at the British -
the Great British Library.

Wow.
LAUGHTER

Have you nicked that? Yeah.

I mean it's fairly irresponsible,
you could...

How good is it, though?
Oh, it's a great sign.

"Please take care, piazza slippery."

It sounds like a European spy.

"Be careful, Piazza Slippery!"

Yeah. "This is a very
slippery mission!"

LAUGHTER

Lucy, what have you brought in?

I've brought, erm, a pub sign.

OK.

For, erm, a home pub.

Whose pub, was it?

Erm, ours, mine.

Your one, and your husband's?
And husband's, yeah.

Here's the pub sign.

LAUGHTER

I think it's a got
a warm feeling to it.

Is there a, erm, landlord or
a landlady at the Dog and b*stard?

Me. But it's nice,
cos if you do get drunk,

sometimes you forget
you're not in a real pub,

and then, like, there was one time
I went to ring a taxi,

and someone had to say,
"You're next to your house."

It's your pub.
"You don't need to." Yeah.

It's a good sign. OK. Julian.

Oh, I think you'll like this.

Erm, it's very endearing -
it's a sign that I saw in

the green room, when I was
at the Hull Literary Festival.

A high-brow sign. Hm.

You're in good company.

Here's Julian's sign.

LAUGHTER

It's an unpretentious event.

Did you actually steal it?
Do you have it? No, I couldn't.

Cos the artists wouldn't have
known where to eat.

Jesus Christ, that is low-rent,
isn't it?

I'll do this based on which signs
I'd like to take home the most. OK.

I personally wouldn't want
two Post-it notes.

But I did laugh,
so it seems really cruel,

but I'm going to give Julian


OK, 1 point to Julian. Aww!
Oh, I understand.

I don't want to take your pub sign,

because I think it belongs
on your pub.

No, I've brought it!

Nah. 2 points. 2 points to Lucy.

Erm, 3 points to Sam.
Well done, Sam.

I genuinely want that BBC sign,
so I'm giving that 5 points.

And, unbelievably,
I'm giving c*ck Pond 4 points.

There we are, that's it.
There we are, so 5 to Sue Perkins!

CHEERING

On we go!

Do you have something
special lined up?

Oh, I do. In fact, I'd go as far
as to say it's legendary.

Oh! Look at that.

How's it going? Yeah, pretty good.

What have you brought?

James Bond would never go
on a mission without

his favourite gadgets.

I've never seen him bringing
a tape measure to a mission.

You only measure twice.

Is this my Excalibur moment?

Maybe.

Ah!

I'm actually quite good
with a sword. Why?

Oh, cos I went to drama school.

I mean, no surprise,
it's the first line.

"Pull the sword from the stone.
Many have tried.

"You may not force the sword
or break the stone.

"The champion is the one
who releases the sword fastest.

"Your time starts...

"...now."

Can I have the sword, please?

Go on, give me the sword.

This is amazing.

Feel like I'm in Dubai.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm sure the rulers of Dubai
would be thrilled...

LAUGHTER
...with that comparison.

Erm, Susan, you seem
a little apologetic about

the fact you went to drama school.
Yeah.

Is it a source of
embarrassment for you?

No, no, no, no, no,
I'm in enough debt because of it.

No, it's absolutely fine.

Yeah. Well, it really paid off.

We could tell from your performance
of the Arthurian-sounding,

"Can I have the sword, please?"

Well, let's have a look. OK, then.

And we'll begin with
Luce B and Sue P. Here we go.

I mean, for form's sake.

Ahh!

It doesn't come out.

No. It's a magic sword.

So, something releases the sword.

Well, could it be "Lucy"?

No. Beaumont?

So, clues. God, I love an old me...

Oh, my gosh. Yes!

That's just plain gibberish.

None of it makes sense.

I like it when I just get
to run around.

You can run around.

That won't do anything, will it?

Can I ring somebody?

Could I ring the Women's Institute?

Let's hunt further.

ON PHONE: Thank you for
calling the NSWI.

For constitution-related
enquiries...

I think it's that one.
...press 3.

I think it's a constitution inquiry.

PHONE RINGS

Welcome to the messaging...
Oh, God!

Alex, would you pull this
cr*cker for me?

Oh, I'd love to. Thanks, darling.
One, two, three.

Yay!
LUCY GASPS

"Which comedian knows how to

"make their hair smart?"
"...Their hair smart?"

None of them.

Is this relevant?

Wow... OK, ooh!

There's a cross.

I don't even know what part
of the world that is.

Is that Africa? No.

Is it Australia? No.

America? No. Europe?
It's somewhere in Europe.

I don't think I can tell you
much more than that.

He's got an O.

Wait a minute.
I see little letters.

France? No. Netherlands?

Uh-uh. Moldova? No. Croatia?

Ah. No. Is it the UK?

There's an E.

There's an I.

I feel like I'm in James Bond.

Now we're doing counties, really?
Cornwall? Devon?

Devon?

Devon!

You made me say
every country in Europe.

I didn't make you say anything, Sue.

I've got a D...

So, a D, W...

...O... ...I... ...E...

...C, M, B. ...and an I.

I'm just trying to make
a word with it.

Woody. Woody?

Bedwomebi.

E...ewodi.

Ewodi, ewodi...

Bedweiwmbe.

LAUGHTER

LUCY GASPS

That's got a D-D.

That's got a W-I.

Widd...e.

Widdic...

Have you had
Josh Widdicombe on this?

Oh, dear, it's so stressful.

Burw...bu...

...buw...buwawim.

I mean, I want to go Widdicombe.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Come on, Widdicombe?
Why would it be Widdicombe?

Widdicombe.

Widdicombe!

SHE GASPS

In the legend, what did he do
once he had the s-sword?

He ended up throwing it in a lake.

APPLAUSE

I keep little quotes during
the show that I pop into

the Taskmaster book of quotes.

And yours, halfway through the task,

really made it straight in,
which was,

"I just like it when I get
to run around."

LAUGHTER

I do, yeah. What tipped you
over into Widdicombe?

Why was it...Anne Wittecombe?

Wittecombe? It's Widdecombe.

Honestly, I don't know
how I got to Witticombe.

Widdicombe! Widdicombe.

LAUGHTER

Just so you know,
after 15 minutes, she said,

"I think these are all clues."

At 24 minutes, she said Widdicombe,

but she didn't pull
the sword out until 28 minutes.

Wow. Sue, my favourite bit
of the whole thing is when

you realise what the answer is...
THEY LAUGH

...how long it took for your
brain to compute.

Er, I could've just swam
in that time.

Do you want to know how long
she took? How long did she take?

Lucy did very badly, 28 minutes.

Sue, 33 minutes and 21 seconds.

Wow. Most of it was that reaction.

I was going to say, that's ten.

Time for a break now.

Or, as my uncle Steve
used to call it,

"Get on the pot,
it's plop o'clock."

Hi, Steve! Hope the facility's OK.

Sorry I've never visited.

See you in a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Yes, welcome back.

It's part two, and there's a sword
in a stone which needs removing.

There is indeed, Greg, and only
one name will release the sword -

the surname of a person Sue Perkins

made four series of
a panel show with.

Will Sam and Susan work out
his name any quicker?

Let's find out.

Congratulations. Thank you.

It's a little shoe that
says "Greg" on it.

It's a little foot, yeah.

BOTH: "Which comedian knows how
to make their hair smart?"

So, that is absolutely not useful.

A lot of them are well-groomed.

Is that related to anything?

"With diamonds come bears" -
that is gobbledegook,

I don't know what that is.

"With diamonds come bears."

We all know that.

Is there a bear around?

All right, look at this.

Catherine Knollys, 1983.

What?

Katherine Ryan -
that's not got to do with hair.

Bob Mortimer? Bob, that's hair.

People who've won. Taskmaster.

Is who I'm looking for
related to Catherine?

How am I meant to know that?

Ed Gamble?

Sophie Duker?

Bob Mortimer?

Still no.

Rob Beckett?

Richard Herring?

Katherine Ryan?

Noel Fielding?

Oh-h*-h*-h*-h*!

Is there a champion who's missing
from there that has won this show?

That just seems too inside baseball.

Do you have to watch
everything to know?

"Comedian related to...
Catherine Knollys."

Is that it? Yeah.

Alex Horne... At last.

...sucks.

Sorry, don't take that...
edit, bleep that.

Which bit are we bleeping?

Bleep me, just blur me out.

Blur me out,
I don't deserve to exist.

Josh Widdicombe.

SHE LAUGHS

Ah!
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I've stopped the clock.

"...Fastest. Your time starts now."

"Now" has got a capital W.

Oh, WI...

Oh, it's a word!

That's a MBE.

Can I have that as some of
my letters?

Member of the British Empire.

Oh, I know what it is!

Josh Widdicombe. Widdicombe?

I've stopped the clock.

Now that was a drama school
performance at the end,

the holding aloft of the sword.

Mm-hm. That was worth all
that money, surely.

It was worth every single penny...
Fantastic.

...and three years of my life, yeah.
LAUGHTER

Er, what was your system to try
and get to Widdicombe, Sam?

Ah, you just have to -
just have to grab life.

Yeah, you, er, listed all of
the names of the people

in those pictures. Yeah.

And he actually worked out it was
a winner of Taskmaster

who wasn't amongst those pictures,
so he cracked it.

Can I just say, I love weapons?

LAUGHTER

Next up, we've seen four of
our five competitors,

but somehow, there's still two left.

That's right,
it's Julie and Clary.

WHISPERS: I'm so sorry.
Oh, God.

Can I open the cr*cker? Yes.

I've found a little foot,
and it says "Greg".

Greg!

No such luck.

"Join the Women's Institute,
darling daughter."

"With diamonds come bears."

Plymouth Argyle Football Club.

W.

D.

WD40?

Who are all these people
in pictures?

That's a good question.

Giles...someone.

Someone Giles. Nearly.

That man with the teeth.

Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett.

They're all comedians. Yes.

Well, Adrian Giles isn't.

Aha!

Another comedian.

LAUGHTER

Am I supposed to know his name?

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Do you recognise him?

I do, yes, no, he's very funny.
Yeah.

That face - what is his name?

He's sort of small and nasally.

He is small.
That's exactly right, yeah.

I've always liked him.

I won't hear a word against him.

Josh - is it a Josh?

Josh.

HE SIGHS

Widdicombe.

Widdicombe?

That was it!

Fancy that coming back to me.

I've stopped the clock. Hoo!

Oh, dear.
APPLAUSE

Thank goodness his name came to me.

I've always liked his work.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Would it be fair to say you've not
necessarily kept abreast with

some of the more recent comedians?

I don't really watch any
other comedians.

I don't know why.

Oh, not even
"that man with the teeth"?

LAUGHTER
Has he been on this show?

He has. And we've had
"small and nasally" on.

LAUGHTER

But you got there, it came to you.

It did come out from nowhere.

We were all quite relieved,
cos it could've got quite awkward.

But did I take any longer
than the others?

Well, I can tell you now.

Seemed fast. Yeah. Hmm.

Sue took 33 minutes.

Sam, 32. Lucy, 28, and Susan, 14.

Ooh.

Julian, ten minutes and 23 seconds.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, lovely.
Scoreboard then, please.

Scoreboard, yes,
it's tight at the bottom.

We have last week's winner,
Sam, on 5 points.

At the top, it's Susan Wokoma
with 8 points.

APPLAUSE
Lovely.

Hey, let's have another one, then.

You've got it, mega mumma.

and I think they're going
to nail this one.

Ooh.

Welcome.... Welcome.

..to the lab. To the lab.

Are you going to repeat
everything I say? No. OK.

Oh, they're already going.

Uh-oh. Oh! Erm, OK.

No time for "hello" and
"how are you" today.

No niceties.

It doesn't say anything.

Nah, I'm just playing.

Oh, "Make a cheeky picture on
this piece of wood."

There.

"...Using nails and one
continuous piece of wire."

So, a cheeky picture.

Yes, please.

"Also, if any egg timers stop,

"you must stare at the camera

"shaking your head for
ten seconds."

Yeah, that one did stop, so, yeah.

"The best cheeky picture wins.

"You have 20 minutes."

Sorry, Sam, the blue one's
just run out of sand.

Wait, what? The sand's run out.

"Best cheeky picture wins.

"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Hang on a minute, so I need to do
a cheeky picture with wire...

...and be looking at these guys?

I know. I said it was a nightmare,

but Greg wanted it done.
OK, fair enough.

APPLAUSE

Feels pretty straightforward,
shall we just crack on? OK.

ALARM BEEPS
Oh, I'm so sorry about my alarm.

Do you know what time it is?
Yes, it's time for a montage!

LAUGHTER

OK, cheeky picture with nails.

I mean, we all know what
it's going to be.

Can you draw a...p*nis?

Can I draw a p*nis?
Like, cos that's cheeky, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, that's cheeky.

Oh, you're drawing with the nail?

SAM: What else would you do
to make a cheeky picture?

Ah, that's not shaking.

That's shaking.

What sort of people enjoy
this programme? Is it students?

Why is it always you?

The blue sand has run out again.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

That's nodding.

Any regrets about doing this series?

Well, you're interesting,
aren't you?

Would you call yourself
a charismatic man?

Doesn't say I can't do that....

Ah, well, the sand has now stopped
so, yeah, you have to do it again.

You're an absolute piglet,
Alex Horne.

I just want to get to
the boobs now. 'Course.

I don't want it to be too phallic.

So, instead of testicles,
I'm going to do wings?

That's cheeky.

So, you've got the sexy dog -

cos we're subverting stereotypes.

JULIAN: My art teacher would not
be impressed with this.

Fortunately, he's dead.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, cheeky is an
interesting debate, I think.

What the go-to cheeky is.

Well, you said, Sue, "We all know
what's getting drawn here."

Go-to, well, route one cheek.

What is "route one cheek"?

c*ck and ba*ls. It's a classic C&B.

Erm, Susan, you did say,

"I just want to get to
the boobs now." Yes.

But then, you threw in a
curveball by saying,

"We've got a sexy dog..."
LAUGHTER

"...because we're
subverting stereotypes."

Am I going to see a dog with
a pair of boobs? No, no!

No? The boobs are separate
to the dog.

Oh, what do you think cheeky is?

Erm, I think it's when you
have your boobs out

as you're feeding your dog.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

It's cheeky.
It's cheeky, and it's weird.

Time for a break now.

LAUGHTER

An opportunity to reflect,

to consider one's mortality,

and, crucially, exercise gratitude.

Or you could chug on a
fruit-flavoured vape

and phone for a pizza.

Both things are fun, it's up to you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the
third quarter of the show.

I'd like to see some cheeky art,
please, Alex.

Of course you do, Greg,

it's your sort of thing you,
randy sod.

Er, the first piece of art
we're going to see is Julian's.

Julian, can you explain this?

Well, it was going to be a face,

and in the end, it became a sperm.

Do you like it?

I don't know, is a solitary,
deformed sperm cheeky?

Well, there was something about
that laboratory place,

I felt like I had gone there
to make a deposit or something.

It's "best cheeky picture," so,
do you think that's a good picture

of a sperm, I suppose, is...?

I do not.

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm sorry if
I haven't pleased you.

Let's have a look at Sam's.

It's more recognisable
as a picture.

I think this is
a really interesting piece.

It just oozes with cheek.

This is having this beautiful
golden hair, and what a mane!

Wasn't it just, just wow!

Yeah. And yet, this person
keeps their hair secret

with a giant hat,
and the community have no idea.

Yeah. No-one has seen this hair.

Yeah. And that is cheekiness...

LAUGHTER

It's so convincing -
what's clever is,

it's kind of cheeky for you
to suggest that's cheeky.

Yeah. Which I like.

You're a switched-on guy. Yeah.

Well, Susan - I will have
to explain a few elements of it,

but this is how it ended up.

LAUGHTER

So, on the left is a lady with -
and I hate to say this phrase -

boobs, pulling along a...
Yeah. ...dog? Yeah.

And the dog, to use her phrase,
is "going a bit kink".

And then, she's done
a cheeky bit of ocean,

and a cheeky bit of hell.

The red represents...

Did I do that?
LAUGHTER

So, I see cheeky lady. Yes.

That's a cheeky tick.
Erm, why is hell there?

Well, hell is here.

Yeah. Yeah. "Cheeky devil" -
that's actually a phrase.

Thank God you can see the boobs,
is all I can say.

Shall we move on to a p*nis
with wings?

I thought you'd never ask.

Yeah, this is what Lucy did.

LAUGHTER

I mean, the sperm now is
looking pretty good.

Ah, like you say, now looking back,
I'm disgusted with myself.

You know, and I don't think
I've got the wings at all.

And finally, Sue Perkins -
and this is more recognisable.

Here we go. Cheeky!

That's good! Yeah. That is...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you were to take a bet
beforehand, who would be the person

least likely to anatomically
correctly...

No-one's more shocked than I am.

It's a lovely attention to detail.
Yeah.

And, I hope this is appropriate,
a lovely girth.

LAUGHTER

I wanted to make it aspirational,
but attainable. Yeah.

So, here's all five of them.

Oh, God.

I mean, it's fairly easy to
score this, isn't it?

Lucy, by her own admission,
hasn't done anything, really.

Has just put a...
a meaningless shape on a board?

Yeah. 1 point to Lucy,
well done, Lucy.

Er, 2 points,
and he can thank me for it,

to Julian's square, single sperm.




big-boobed woman and madness below.

Uh-huh. Now, then...

I don't know whether I,
on this occasion, can separate

a blue p*nis and a lady
saying, "Sh!

"I've hidden my hair from you."

LAUGHTER

I'll give them both 5 points.

OK, done, 5 points to Sam and Sue.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have one more task, please.

OK, Greg, and I'm afraid
the naughtiness continues.

Ooh!

Hello. Julian, how's it going?

It's going well.

Have you come across any sort of
secret tasks hidden around

the house at all so far?

Should I be looking out
for those things?

It's just what I would do.

There it is. Yes.

Secret one could be anywhere,
I suppose. Argh!

Pardon? What?

Is that the task,
to look for secret tasks?

You can open the obvious task,
if you want.

That's just really
passive aggressive.

SAM: "Make mischief."

"Make mischief."

Secret task, secret task,
secret task.

"Most mischievous wins."

SAM: "You have a maximum of
half an hour."

"Your time starts now."

Oh, what does it mean?

I have unintentionally been
making mischief all of my life.

Have you got an immediate instinct?
Yeah.

Well, there's victim-based mischief.

Which I do like.

Wouldn't it be mischievous to say
things that I'm not supposed to say?

Do you think you can?
Is that crazy? Like, "I love KFC!"

Like, cos you can't use that,
so that's mischief.

I think we can use that.

And then, there's kind of,
like, mischief that annoys

a collective of people.

Like running out into the road,
or something like that -

not in a sad way, but in a,
like, "aha" way.

I'm going to steal things
off people.

Car keys. Socks.

Pacemaker - not pacemaker.

They're hard.

I don't know why, but the first
thing that came into my mind

was a portcullis.

It's very hard to create
in a living room.

Do I have to think in here?
You can think in private, Julian.

I will see you when I've thought.
OK.

Can I use your phone for
a prank call?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think everyone should know
what "mischief" means.

But I am going to ask Sue why,
when you think of mischief,

you think of a portcullis?

I always think,
"Just lean into your first idea."

And that was the word that
came into my head.

"I'm going to create a portcullis."

Fine. Susan, the sentence -

HE WHISPERS: which I do like -

NORMAL VOICE: made you look like
a serial k*ller just...

Your second idea was,
"Running into the road,

"but not in a sad way"?

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

As in, like, a "wahey" way,
rather than a "ohh" way.

Do you know what I mean?

If we watch you run into
the road now into traffic...

Yeah. ...we'll see drivers going,
"Mischief!"

LAUGHTER

I look forward
to seeing the mischief.

OK, will Sue Perkins find
the secret task,

instead of doing the actual task?

Will Lucy Beaumont steal
a pacemaker?

Let's find out right now.

CRACKS KNUCKLES

Hello. Hi.

Come in, take a seat.

Put your blindfold on.

SPOOKY VOICE: Are you ready
for the seance?

NORMAL VOICE: Who's going
to come through?

It's a man.

He's called Simon.

Simon was in marketing.

"Hello, Alex.

"I have reversed roles and
set you a task.

"Mischief!

"Please follow the trail
of lollipops.

"You must unwrap and put each lolly
in your mouth as you go.

"Follow the lollies to
the final destination for

"the ultimate mischievous surprise."

Can you hear me, Simon?

DEEP SCOTTISH VOICE: "Hello, Lucy."

NORMAL VOICE: Hello.

How is it in Heaven?
SHE BLOWS

"It's a lot like Earth.

"We've got a DFS."

Have you, Simon?

I think this is dangerous.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Simon, can you tell us
anything else interesting?

"No, that's about it."

Oh, OK, then, Simon,

I'm afraid it's time to go.

One...

VOICE ON SPEAKER:
...two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten,



You may remove your blindfolds now.

Bye!

MUFFLED: Oh, hello!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Portcullis!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow, and I mocked you.

I mocked you for saying you think
that portcullis made you think

of mischief - how wrong I was.

What do you think was
my favourite part of your task?

Well, Alex's suffering
is important to you.

I know that. Very important!

And that was my second-favourite
thing about your response.

My favourite thing was you shouting
"portcullis" like a child.

Fantastic. Lucy.

I think you were hampered
by bad actors.

They all looked bored shitless...

LAUGHTER

...when I think that Lucy's idea
was very creative.

Yeah, cos that's what they
used to do, didn't they?

Used to do that, and then,
nick the stuff off them.

Oh, this is a
historical-based response.

I think so, yeah.

I really enjoyed it. Who's next?

Ah, OK, well,
now it's Susan's attempt -

but we're not going to actually
see Susan, are we, Susan?

No.

Mischief! Ooh.

Here we go.
SUSAN CHUCKLES

Do you want to pop in there
and shut the door?

SAM: In the toilet?
Yeah, and probably lock it.

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
What are you playing at?

Oh.

"Stand up and shout 'mice'
whenever you see or hear mice.

"Sit down and whisper 'fish'
whenever you see or hear a fish."

What?

Ah, "You've got 20 minutes
and must stay in this room.

"Your time starts now."

What the heck is going on with that?

SINGLE SQUEAK
Mice.

Fish.

SQUEAKING

Mice!

CAT MEOWS

Mice!

Fish.

Oh, mice!

Fish.

Ah! Mice!

Er, mice!

Oh, my God.

That's a seal.

Fish. Mice! Fish. Fish.

Mice! Fish.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What are you doing,
what are you doing?

Are you drawing some fish? Yeah.

Fish. Fish.

Fish. Fish.

Fish.

Fish.
WHISTLE BLOWS

I reckon I did really well
on this one.

But did you have any idea
that I would smash that

and start creating my own beasts?

No, I didn't expect that at all.

That was very mischievous. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Are you just finding this out now?

This lady's a nutjob.

And you invented the game?

I wanted it to be, like I said,
like, victim-based...

Yeah. Yeah.

...and you were the victim.
So sorry!

It was - that was amazing

but it was so just, like,
you know, lock her up!

You never spotted that mice, fish
is an anagram of mischief.

Ohh!

How deep does this go, Wokoma?!

Right! Advert time.

Turn your TV off, kick the kids out,

and make love to your partner now.

Hey, if there's grandparents
in the room,

chuck a towel over their face.

Enjoy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to
the last part of the show,

where mischief is being made.

As per bloody usual.

Before the break, we saw Sam doing
Susan's mischievous task for Susan,

and now, here's Sam doing
Sam's mischievous task

for Sam. Hm.

OK! Time for the big prank...

Ahh, no!

Ahh, no!

DISTORTED: Ahh, no!

Oh, my God! Oh, no! No!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Pretty mischievous stuff.

APPLAUSE

So, two things to analyse -
where the mischief is,

and what the narrative
of your performance was.

So, he thinks I'm going to do
a prank call. Yeah.

Suddenly, it's gone in the water.

He goes, "Well, surely he's not
going to smash this thing

"to bits with a hammer."

But, to be an effective
act of mischief,

you would've wanted Alex to think,
"Oh, God that's my phone."

Yeah, I did smash his phone cover.

Did you think it was your phone
that went into...?

Not once. Not for a second.

Finally, it's the chief
of mischief, it's Julian Clary.

"Dear Stephen,

"I think you're great.

"Always happy and smiling.

"I love all your shows.

"Especially the one you do
in car parks

"where you give strangers money.

"Congratulations on Deal Or No Deal.

"It'll be the best.

"Please, can I have a signed photo?

"Thank you, Peter McDonald."

That's that one.

"Dear Jacob...

"...Rees-Mogg.

"I think you're great.

"And I hope you get
to be Prime Minister."

You'll be the best...

"You'll be the best since
Thatcher."

...Thatcher.

"I'm only young, but one day,
I want to be a politician, too.

"Please, may I have a signed photo?

"Thank you" -
oh, I've said thank you.

Best wishes?

"Best wishes, Peter McDonald."

Mischief.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Your mischief is to falsely
encourage two individuals

by sending a fan letter to...

...Jacob Rees-Mogg and
Stephen Mulhern.

Yes.

Why those two men?

I was amused by the idea that
they'd write back.

That's where the mischief is.

Jacob Rees-Mogg did write back.

Are you joking?

He genuinely did write back.
Mm-hm.

WHEEZING LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, wow.

Erm, Stephen Mulhern didn't

because we didn't put enough
postage on the envelope,

so your letter got sent back to us.

And that was the end of that trail.

Ah. Will you write back to him?

Well, I'll wait for the
next full moon.

Something unspeakable may happen.

That's really mischievous.

It's brilliant.

OK, look, I'll give out some points.
OK.

I'm only going to give Sam 1 point
because of his phone nonsense.

Fair enough, 1 point to you,
Sam. Yeah.

Lucy - I mean, I don't think
it was necessarily her fault.

I think the whole production
was a problem. Right, OK.

But I'll give her 2 points.
OK, well done, Lucy.

I don't think there's any
serious intent to upset

Jacob Rees-Mogg or Stephen Mulhern,

and therefore, 3 points to Julian.
OK.

There was great innocence and
mischief in making you eat

a load of lollies, and then,
trapping you with a portcullis.

Let's never forget
the cry of "portcullis!"

from five-year-old Sue.



The most mischievous was Susan's.

So, 5 points to Susan.


Well done, Susan.

Let's have a quick look at
the scores. We can.

With a massive 16 points,
the leader at the moment

is Susan Wokoma!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, will you all please
head to the stage for

the final task of the show!

Hello there, sonny Jim,
who will be reading this task out?

This time, Sue Perkins shall
read the task out.

Sue Perkins, take it away.

"Write down one thing you like

"and one thing you don't like.

"You have 30 seconds."

So, you have a little whiteboard
to your left and a pen on the floor.

Something you like,
something you don't like.


BLOWS WHISTLE

Nice and big, nice and clear.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Oh. That's the first part
of the task done.

Oh, no! Now, Sue.

Please don't say draw it.

Oh.

Oh, no.

"Draw your two things...
LAUGHTER

"...at the same time.

"You must be drawing with both hands

"and stare at the
Taskmaster throughout.

"Best pair of pictures wins!" Ahh.

If we could have the thing you do
like on your right-hand side,

and the thing you don't like on
the left, that'd be nice.

Greg, it's your job
to keep them looking at you.

Good luck. Your time starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Don't glance, don't you glance.

Ideally, you're drawing at
the same time. Both your hands.

Both at the same time, Julian.

It's impossible. No.

What is it?

Sam, Sam.

SAM: How are you?
Eyes on the prize.

Yes, sir. I see you.

Both hands drawing, please.
Oh, sh*t.

Sounded like - ah-ba-ba-ba-ba!

SUE: I don't think that
can be bettered.

Five seconds!

Four, three, two, one.
Three, two, one.

No.And stop!
WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Are you expecting great
works of art, Greg?

I really am not.

So, please, Julian, show Greg
both your pictures at once.

What do you think he's drawn, Greg?

Ah, I'm sort of a bit disturbed
that the one on the right

looks a bit like me.

Oh, hang on a minute.

Is it Jacob Rees-Mogg
and Stephen Mulhern?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lucy, would you like
to reveal your drawings.

Both at the same time, if you can.
Or not, it's fine.

Well, that's a strong opener.

You can tell what they are,
though, can't ya?

I can't even tell if they're
a creature or a plant.

Lucy, do you want to show us
on your board what you wrote?

Sorry, I've not got very
good writing...

...writing.

Peas and cauliflower.

LAUGHTER

Peas aren't bad!
OK, Sam Campbell.

Hi, Sam. Reveal your drawings
at once, please.

Oh, wow. It looks like keys.

So, wow, they're falling.
That's just, yeah.

Like, er, meteorites?

Oh.

Not so much.

Tell me, and I'll decide if
they're better than Lucy's peas.

"World cinema and negative gearing."

LAUGHTER

I don't know what
negative gearing is.

It's to do with people,
like, flipping houses.

Yeah, it's a situation where
expenses associated with an asset

including interest expenses are
greater than the income earned from

the asset, and he's tried
to represent that with

his picture there.

These are gears,
and they're falling, yeah.

But how the hell am I
going to score that?

LAUGHTER

Do you want to move on to
Sue Perkins? Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Right, now they're good in that
I can see they're people.

Are they people?

That does look a bit like
Jacob Rees-Mogg, but it isn't him.

Tell me.

Erm...

...it's Stephen Mulhern
and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I said Jacob Rees-Mogg!

Very clever. Susan, reveal
your drawings, please.

Whoa! There we go.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Is that the big-boobed woman
and the sexy dog again?

No. That's a person.
That's a tick? Yes.

Do you want to give me any clues?

One person is doing something,

and the other person has
an attribute that I don't like.

This one's walking a dog.

No.

Just tell me. OK, so that's dancing,
cos that's a music sign.

Yes. And then this is, er,
sweaty backs.

So, that was like the back...
and that was the sweat.

But I-I didn't get it outside
the circumference of the person,

cos I couldn't see. Yeah.

All right, Greg, you've got
ten beautiful pictures. Yeah.

Whilst I admire the creativity,

I didn't recognise either thing
in Sam's drawing,

so I can only give Sam 1 point.
No problem.

Lucy, I give 2 points to,

because I recognised that
those were peas.

And she's very pleased with
the points. Yeah. Thank you.

Who's next? Susan, because
I recognised they were people,

but I didn't know that there was
a sweaty-backed person there.

Or any dancing going on. 3 points.



Er, I guessed only one of
Sue's Jacob Rees-Mogg

and Stephen Mulhern's tribute,

so she must have 4 points.
Mm-hm.

And the winner, cos I guessed
both of them, is Julian Clary...

Congratulations,
Julian Clary, 5 points!

Please, we will add that
to the final score,

come back down and join me!

CHEERING

Well, that was pretty
high-octane drawing.

They did well. Julian did
the best, so well done, Julian,



But the other scores means that the
final league table looks like this.

Sue and Susan both have 19 points!

AUDIENCE OOHS

We're going to have to do
a tie-break Greg. Oh, God.

Oh, whoa, whoa. I don't like these.

And this tie-break is
a numbers tie-break... Oh.

...where they simply have to learn
Pi to the most decimal places.

They had two minutes, so here
they are doing the Pi break.

Here it is. Oh, f... What?

That's Pi.
So, you want me to learn that?

I'm terrible at things like this.

Hmm.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Ooh!

Please, can I have my Pi back?

Thank you, Sue.

Please, can you tell me
the number Pi?

The end.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so, Sue Perkins wins
the episode!

Please sh**t up to celebrate
with your silly signage!

CHEERING

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that the meaning
of words can change.

Who knew a big, square sperm
could mean cheeky?

Who knew that it could also mean
concealing your hair under a hat?

Mischief, on the other hand,
has only one clear definition.

Mischief - a grown woman excitedly
shouting the word "portcullis".

Please give one more round
of applause for tonight's winner,

she is Sue Perkins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE