16x03 - Languidly

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

BELL RINGS
Good evening.

Argh!
SLURPS LOUDLY

Argh! Ah!

HE VOCALISES

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ahh!

Huh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, hello!

I'm Greg Davies,
welcome to Taskmaster,

a show for everyone.

Some enjoy the nerdy tasks,

some are just here for the laughs,

and some have simply come
for the eye candy.

Drink it in, sweet cheeks,
Papa's got back!

LAUGHTER

Some are also here for
the most disparate g*ng on TV,

so please welcome Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now, for a man sitting
next to me who confided in me

when he was drunk that when
his wife shouts at him,

he whispers "get lost"
under his breath. It's...

HIGH-PITCHED: ...little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Greg.

Learnt a new skill for you,
I think you'll like it. Yes, please.

I've learnt the ancient art
of ventriloquism. Ventriloquism.

Would you like me to demonstrate?
I would. With my puppet?

Yes, please. Mr Hand?

Yeah?

So, I'm going to talk to him,
but you won't see my mouth moving.

Yeah. Ready? Do you want to say
hello to Greg, Mr Hand?

VOICE REMAINS UNCHAINGED:
"Ah, I don't want to though."

Whoa, why not?
What's wrong with you?

"Cos he's really mean.
He's so mean to you."

Whoa!

"Someone's got to stand up to him."

I don't think they do.

"They do, I hate him."

"But also, I love him."

"I love you, I love you, Greg!"

That's my... party trick.

It must be prize task time by now.

Oh, it surely is, and you've
asked them to bring in

the present you've been given
that raises the most questions.

ALL: Ooh!

I'd love to get a present.

As usual, 5 points will be awarded
for the present that raises

the most questions, and then,
the winner of the episode

will win all five presents.

Sam Campbell, what thing
have you brought in for me?

Er, it's a book.

And some - it raised
a lot of questions, yeah.

Has it? OK, this is the present
he was given. It's this.

LAUGHTER

This is the thesaurus of English?

LAUGHTER
Sure!Yeah.

Yeah. And I've drawn that question
mark after every word.

LAUGHTER

It's true, he's gone through the
book and, after every single word,

he's done a question mark.

Jesus Christ.
LAUGHTER

How long did it take you
to put a question mark after

every word in the thesaurus?

I would say, erm, three days?

LAUGHTER

Three days, five pens, brother.
Yeah.

Lucy, what have you brought in?

A quiche Lorraine.

LAUGHTER

Great. "Why has Lucy brought in
a quiche Lorraine?"

Is the question it's raised.

Because I don't think it was meant
to be called quiche Lorraine.

I think there's been
a misunderstanding.

I think what's happened
someone's had a quiche,

and then, they've asked Lorraine
if she wants some,

and they've said,
"Quiche, Lorraine?"

And then, someone's overheard,
and they've thought that the quiche

was called quiche Lorraine.

Oh, and there's been
a domino effect?

Yeah, like...

...steak, Diane.

LAUGHTER

And, erm, rogan, Josh.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Hello, Julian.
What thing have you brought in?

It's a beautiful collage
that was presented to me during

one of my performances of my lovely
show at the Bloomsbury Theatre.

Ah. Here it is.

LAUGHTER

Why did she give it to me,

and what am I supposed
to do with it?

It hangs inside the wardrobe door
in the spare bedroom...

...so that visitors are
taken by surprise.

It's very big, it's about four foot.

Wow! Four foot?! What?!

LUCY: Oh, my God.

It's quite big.

Hello, Susan.

SUSAN: I have a gift that
my brother gave me for Christmas.

Here it is.

Ah. Ooh.

Oh, God.

I didn't think anything could be
worse than the quiche.

LAUGHTER

One Christmas, he was like,

"Ah, Sus, I forgot to buy
a Christmas present,"

and then, he went out and
he came back after ten minutes,

and he presented me with
a Snicker bar.

Yeah. Yeah, the...

Well, you haven't heard the last
one yet, it might not be. OK.

WHAT?!
LAUGHTER

Sue?

Erm, my, my gift was
so unexpected and so disturbing,

I've actually got it...

JULIAN: Oh, my...
LUCY: Oh, gosh.

Oh, God.

LAUGHTER

I'm an ambassador for Battersea
Dogs and Cats Home. Yeah.

And sometimes, I foster
little dogs for them. Yeah.

Aww. And couple of weeks ago,
I fostered a tiny dog and,

in the car park, as I was taking
receipt of the little thing,

this was handed over, OK?

This is bigger than the dog
that I fostered.

LAUGHTER
It has raised a question. It does.

Wh-What questions has it
raised to you, Alex?

I suppose it's why...

Why does it look like
two penises put together?

It does. Someone had to say it.
LAUGHTER

Is it sex toy, Sue?

Well, this...
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I mean, in many ways,
we've got to the nub, Lucy.

Scoring? Yes, from lowest
to highest, please.

All right, then. Erm, I'm going
to give Susan 1 point. Ah.

Oh, dear, 1 point to Susan.

Really Sue's only raises
two questions.

Why would a small dog
be given a chew,

and why does that chew
look like two dicks?

LAUGHTER

So, I'm going to give that 2 points.

Unbelievably, Lucy's quiche raised
more questions for me,

so I'm going to give it 3 points.


Having seen Julian's shows
I'm not 100% surprised that there's

a wonderful four-foot silky phallus
hanging on his spare bedroom door.

So, I'll give him four points.

OK. But, you know, anyone who
sits for three days writing

question marks in a thesaurus
deserves some points, right?


Sam takes 5 points.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

CHEERING

OK. Right, so let's crack on.

What task do you have lined up for
us first, please, little Alex Horne?

Well, Greg, we're off
to our location for a spot of

non-contact multi-sport.

Good morning!
Oh, hello, Sue. This way, please.

Hello, how are you?

I'm good, thank you, Julian.

SUSAN SIGHS

LAUGHTER

Are they prescription?
Oh, these?

Nah.

Hi, Lucy. Hi, hi, Alex.

The task's in the welly.

Yeah. Yeah.

That came away with great ease.

"Get the ball in the hole."

Where's the hole?

Oh, it's a mystery hole, is it?

It's by a little red flag, the hole.

JULIAN SIGHS

Is it obvious where that is?

Over there?

LUCY: "Nothing may touch the ball.

"After you touch one tool,

"you may not touch another tool...
for one minute"? Yeah.

"If you decide to touch the welly,

"you must only do so
with your foot."

That's one welly. One big welly.

Oh, that's connected to the -
OK, I feel ya.

"Fastest wins,
your time starts now."

Wh-Where's the hole?

I've put a flag next to the hole.

There? Shall I go and investigate?

You do whatever you want, Susan.
Has the time started?

Yeah, when you said,
"Your time starts now." Oh, for...

Oh! Fine, well, I've got to...
wait, hang on.

This is a-a horn.

I think so. What's this?

That's a barbecue fan.

Bet you've got a barbecue,
have you?

Yes, yes I've got a barbecue.

I built it with my friend Ben.

You've got a friend?

LAUGHTER

"Touch the welly, do it with
your foot, fastest wins,

"your time starts now."

APPLAUSE

Julian has developed
an incredible technique

for saying things to Alex that
are seemingly innocent,

but then, yet are so damning.

"I'll bet you've got a barbecue."

LAUGHING: What does it even mean?

Yeah, I felt so ashamed
that I do have a barbecue.

Let's crack on. OK, so they couldn't
touch the ball - this is crucial -

only air could touch the ball.

And we'll begin with two mighty
fine men searching for a hole.

It's Julian and Sam.

What was it about touching
the welly?

You can't pick it up. You have to
put your foot in it, really.

Oh, I'm not doing that. No.

Oh.

This one is so hard.

Are you trying to suck it?
I tried to suck it.

So, I've now gotta wait a minute.

How long do you spend
practising these games...

...at home? Oh, we never test them.

Is it not working very well?

Well, er, it's not the most gripping
television anyone's ever seen.

What else could I do?

Can I use it to summon, like,
a mole or a rabbit?

MUFFLED: Creatures of the forest!

Help me with this game!

ANIMALS SCREAMING

Oh, we're going with the hose.

This is more like it, isn't it?

It's powering along.

Now we're talking!

Oh, great technique.

Getting there.

Why is the hole covered up?

Oh. Oh, for God's sake.

Oh!

Some of the holes are covered.

Is that the hole there, back there?

Oh, maybe.

Where were...
were you standing on that?

No. Far out.

That's the hole, isn't it?

Oh, look at that.

I'm going to step out of your way.

Am I under par?

If you get this in.

I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Ah!

How does it make you feel
about Alex Horne

when you discover that he's
led you to puff your ball towards

a nonexistent hole?

Yeah, foul little snake, yeah.

"Foul" - now we're getting there.

Now we're getting there.

Julian actually said
afterwards that I've got

"the charisma of Matt Hancock."

LAUGHTER

Well, I-I was roused by then.

I can imagine.

Give me some statistics.

Very close times between
the two of them.

Three minutes, 25 for Julian.

Sam, three minutes... 31.

Ah. Yeah.

Right! It's the end of part one,
I'm afraid.

Don't be afraid, Greg.

LAUGHTER

WHISPERS: Never let go.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Come on in out of the rain.

The fire's on,
you must be freezing.

Yes! Please take all of your wet
clothes off immediately!

Oh, naughty boy.
LAUGHTER

The competitors are busy playing
non-contact table tennis ball golf

next to a cricket pitch.

And now, here's how Sue, Susan,
and Luc-an got on.

Oh, with your foot, please.
With your foot. Sorry.

That's the welly.

That's useless.

PLAYS LOUD, FLAT NOTE

I can't touch another tool
for a minute now, can I?

No, so you can maybe play a little.
What an absolute berk.

Right, get the ball in the hole.
Yeah.

Where's the hole?

There's a hole somewhere. Yeah.

Right, so that's your minute up with
the horn. Right where's the hole?

Alex, can you tell me where
the hole is?

By the red flag.

SHE SPUTTERS
Th-There's lots... Oh!

Argh!

SUSAN: That's not a hole.

Ah. That's not a hole.

That's not a hole.

What hole is it?

Oh, you'll know it when you see it.

That's not a hole.

Not a hole? No. Ah.

LAUGHTER
No hole.

No hole, no hole.

Alex, where's the hole?

Where's the hole?!

Fastest wins, Susan.

Listen, my friend,
I could go as fast as I like,

but if I don't know where
the hole is...

Oh, it's by the red flag.

What do you mean?!

There's no hole.

There is a hole. Somewhere.

Yeah, there is a hole somewhere.

Can I use this as a hole?
It's a coffee cup.

Coffee cup you say.

Out of the two of us...

You absolute an*s!

You prize an*s!

A hole? Yes. Right.

So, where is the hole?

By the red flag.

Oh...

Aha! Oh.

Right, so I can use this
in any way I like?

As long as it doesn't
touch the ball.

I'd forgotten that bit.

Yeah, like I thought,
that doesn't work.

We'll have to go for full welly now.

Right, but not for another minute.

Ooh, that was close.

Oh, nearly.

Ooh!

PLAYS PAN FLUTE

Another 20 seconds.

I've stopped the clock, well done!
Thank you.

I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE

Going to waft it.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Well, that's gone the same way
as every other sporting achievement

of mine's ever gone.

{\an7}PLAYS FLUTE TUNELESSLY

LAUGHING: Yes!

What a shot.

APPLAUSE

Susan, how did it make you feel
when you realised that

the scumbag had hidden the hole?

I mean, it's - like, quiet rage.

Although I don't think it was
that quiet, but...

Lucy. Hm?
I'll tell you what I wrote down.

I wrote, "I could watch
Lucy Beaumont walk about with a

"leaf blower attached to
her foot all day."

Oh, that's one of the nicest
things anyone's ever said.

LAUGHTER

Did you enjoy that?

Erm, yeah cos I like hoovering up...

LAUGHTER
...and I like crazy golf.

You've combined two things
that I like together.

Sue, you stopped the entire
task at one point

to just play the panpipes.

I mean, I'd be interested
to see the end result.

Well, the end result is not
many points. Yeah?

Yeah, you are last. Yeah.

Well, she had to take some time
to call you a berk,

an an*s, an absolute an*s.

Sue took nine minutes, 32.
So, it's 1 point to Sue,

Susan, you took eight minutes, 24.

Gorgeous. You get two points.

Lucy, five minutes and two seconds,

you get three points. 4 to Sam,

but the winner is Julian Clary,
who gets 5 points.There we go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

May I see the scores, please?

Yes, that means they're
neck-and-neck at the bottom,

Sue and Susan with 3,
and neck-and-neck at the top,

Julian and Sam with 9.

APPLAUSE

What have we next?

Ooh, we've got a task which
I think is beneath you.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Hello?

Ah, Lucy. Hi.

Hello. Hello, I brought my tea
with me, if that's all right.

Yes.

Do you want some tea?

No, I'm OK. OK.

SUSAN: Hi.

Lovely entrance.

I do make a good entrance.

Come in, have a seat,
open the task, off we go.

That's very brusque.

"Sit down, do it, leave."

That's what television's made you.

LAUGHTER

Erm... I was just wondering
where the task is.

Yes.

Is that the task? To find the task?

The task is to do the task.

Bit of fun, Julian. Yes.

I haven't had this much fun...
since I don't know when.

Oh, OK, right.

Oh, there it is.

Oh, there it is. What a laugh.

Yeah. It was, wasn't it?

It's under the table. Yeah. OK.

Gosh, how we laughed.

LAUGHTER

Why's it there?

Oh, it's something where
I've gotta stay under there

and do something under there,
hopefully.

Have you found any of
the secret tasks?

What are they?

What, just, like in
my day-to-day life, or...?

Yeah, or here.

No, I haven't, no.

"Get underneath
the most unique things."

SAM: Oh, cool.

"Alex will write down your
things when you shout,

"'I am underneath it.'"

"If you get underneath something
that someone else gets underneath...

"...You both lose five things
from your total."

SAM: Oh, yeah - I mean, I'm going
to do nice on this, I think.

"You have ten minutes."

Can you leave the room?

I think I want you to say
the last line.

"Your time starts now."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Does make me laugh, how age affects
response to some of our tasks.

And I would be like Julian,
if I were told that I had

to do a task underneath something,

I would find it quite wearisome and,

er, irritating.

What Sam said is, "Oh..."

I'm not going to do the accent.
I almost did the accent.

You can do it.
BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Oh, right.

"I'm going to have to...

"I think I'm going to have to do
the task under a table" -

pause - "hopefully."

LAUGHTER

NORMAL VOICE: That's the
age gap right there.

So, they had to get underneath
things but ideally, unique things.

Things that the others didn't get
under and Julian and Sue-lian

are up first. Here we go.

All right, well,
the first port of call,

I want to lie underneath a cactus.

Ah, right. OK.

I am underneath it! What do I have
to say? Yeah, that's it.

"I'm underneath it."
I think it is, yeah.

Right, the cameraman first.

Do you want him to come out?
Yes, you come over here.

You're going to have to lie
on top of me. Right.

I'll keep my legs together,
if that's all right.

CAMERAMAN: Er...

LAUGHTER

This takes me back.

I'm underneath it.

Happy? Sound man.

Oh, sound man, er...

Bring your equipment.

What's going to be underneath?
Right, er, something really unusual.

I'm underneath a part of a stand.

Right. I'm underneath it!

Saxophone stand.

He's hardly champing at the bit.

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath the, er, antique
starburst Art Deco, er, thing.

Yeah. You just need to say,
"I'm underneath it."

I thought somebody might
like the detail.

Alex. Yes?

I haven't been underneath you
since I don't know when.

I thought you'd never ask Julian.
I wouldn't mind sitting down.

I don't want you to sit on me.

No, fine, OK, it was just an idea.

Yes, why don't you squat and...

I'm underneath it.

I'm worried that he might
not include it if you don't say

the phrase right, so it's up to you.
Oh. I'm underneath it.

Thank you.

Is this very expensive?

I'm underneath it.

Oh, can I leave the house?

Do whatever you want to.

I can leave the house.

Shall we go outside?

Do you want to take your tea,
or you...?

No, time is of the essence.

Absolutely. There you go.

I am underneath it!
I'm actually straddling it.

Yes. But does that count?

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.

Yes, you are, Julian.

Someone's definitely gone
underneath a cow, right?

But have they gone on top of
the cow and underneath a tree?

I'm underneath it. Yeah.

Ah... I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.
Yeah, two minutes.

I'm underneath this leaf,
I'm underneath this leaf,

I'm underneath this leaf,
I'm underneath this leaf.

That's like 40 leaves, right?

Well, er, you said it five times.



Are you saying there's 20 seconds
for you to get on top of me?

I'm underneath it.

What are you underneath? Oh.
Pick Me Up magazine.

I'm going down. I'm underneath it.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, not in the ear!

That was rude! Oh...

I'm underneath it.
WHISTLE BLOWS

What a lovely ending.

And you've ended up in your,
er, dressing room.

Could you get my tea for me?

Yes, I'll go and bring you your tea.
Thank you, Julian.

That's your time up, Sue.

I have rolled quite heavily
in fox poo.

Ah, it's quite musky.

Thank you. See you very soon.

'Course. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Was it a unique decision for you
to use this task as an opportunity

to climb underneath a number of men?

LAUGHTER

Well, it staring me in the face,
wasn't it, really?

I wrote down, "I sometimes think
that Julian is just k*lling time

"until he can have
another cup of tea."

I-I got under quite of things.

Er, I just do it languidly.

He does, I think you'd be surprised.
He got under more things than Sue.

Oh, I'm not surprised. Ah.

This is the woman who spent


during a timed challenge.
That is true.

What things did Julian get under?

Yeah, 4-5 men. Yeah. Baby's head.

There were 25 in total.

Er, Sue, you just got
under 20 things.

So, that's including
five different leaves.

Who's next?
Next up, it's lazy Susan -

no, it's Lucy and Susan, here we go.

I don't think people are going
to use stuff in this room.

Because they'll think
other people use stuff,

so I think they'll go all
over the place.

Well, I'm not going to do that.

I think that I should maybe start
in here. Is that all right?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

I'm underneath it. Yes, you are.

I am underneath it!

BUZZER

I feel like there's so much
I could do, I could get literally

every object and just go
underneath, it so I should.

But what if somebody has...?

I can't worry about that, cos
you're not telling me if they have.

Again, the reason I'm doing this
is because it's too obvious,

I don't think other people
will do it.

I'm underneath it.
I am underneath it.

BUZZER

BOTH: I'm underneath it!

BUZZER

BOTH: I am underneath it.

BUZZER

BOTH: I am underneath it.

BUZZER

BOTH: I am underneath it!

BUZZER

Thanks, man.

You fit underneath quite
a lot of things.

Yeah, I'm five-foot-one-and-a-half.

Do you know, I went to be
a Disney character,

and I was an inch off
getting Mickey Mouse?

I'm underneath it.

They can't let you be too big for it

because of overheating, you see?

I am underneath it.

BUZZER

I am underneath it.

{\an7}LAUGHTER

I am underneath it.

BUZZER

I should mix it up, cos I'm actually
getting bored of this room.

You coming? Oh, yes, sorry, yes.

I am underneath it.

I am underneath it.

Underneath the bowl, are you?
Yeah, I am underneath it.

I am underneath it.

Ah... I am underneath it!

BUZZER

WHISTLE BLOWS
Yes, I've written down cow.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Do you think anyone else has got
underneath any of those things?

Not one of them. No? OK.
Not a single one. Thanks, Lucy.

APPLAUSE

Does that arrogant outline sting,

now that you've seen the
horrible truth?

It stings like a b*tch.

LAUGHTER

Did they cancel out loads
of things? Erm... Yeah?

Well, it would be loads of things,
except Lucy did only get under

a total of 12 things in
ten minutes.

Wow. But the last three
were the only things

that no-one else went under. Ah.

The other nine,
lost you five each time.

Ah. Oh, well.

LAUGHTER

Advert time!

If any member of your family
has fallen asleep,

here's a little game you can
play in the break.

The rest of you all sneak upstairs,
pack a bag of basics,

slip out the house,
and never come back.

They'll spend the rest of their
life wondering. Fun!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, hello again!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Hello, I'm Alex Horne.

Now it's time to see Sam take on
the underneath task.

Or, should I say,
the down under task -

cos he's an Australian guy!

"Your time starts now!"

All right, I'm underneath it!

Tape measure.

I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.
What is that?

I don't know!

Oh! Can you go over the top of me?

I'm underneath it! It?

I think you're a gent.

I'm underneath it.
What is it? Lint!

I'm underneath it. What is it?

This one!

I'm underneath it. What is it?

The sticker from some mandarins.

Shoes, shoes, please. Mm-hm.

I'm underneath it. And the sock.

Some viewers are about
to get very excited.

Finally, look at those.

Ooh, baby.

Er, I'm underneath it.

Oh, f*ck.

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it!
I'm underneath it!

I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath it!

What time have I got?

You've still got
six-and-a-half minutes.

I'm doing well! No, I'm not.

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.

I've got this from
someone's camera bag.

I'm underneath it!

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.

These are all different coins.
I'm underneath it.



Camera facing down on me.

I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath it.

I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath it.

How many...?
WHISTLE BLOWS

Oof.

OK, thanks, Sam.

So, do you need,
do you need help with cl...?

I do need help, but I won't ask you,
I'll ask someone...

OK, sorry about that.
I'm sorry to that person.

You looking for your sock?

Yeah.

Bl-bl-bl-bl!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it, that was the energy of
a sugar-pumped toddler you employed.

And I thoroughly
enjoyed watching it.

You just wonder, like,
what is my purpose?

What am I good at?
And then, suddenly, it's like...

And then, bam, there it is.

"Lint!" "This one!"

He got one thing every


Wow. Wow.

He got underneath 74 things.

ALL: Wow!

I'd like to point out how
heartbreakingly sweet it was that

Sam offered to tidy up.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes I think I'd like
to wear you in a little papoose.

Really? Carry you around.

Sometimes I'd like to cover you in
oil and, er, hoover up the house

and empty it on your, erm,
your writhing, oily body.

Oh, yeah?
LAUGHTER

And then, shout, "Lint!"

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Lint! Lint!

So, Sam is unassailable,


Er, Sue only had five duplicates

so that's 20, minus 25, is -5.

Julian, 25 things -
six of them are duplicates

so you also get -5 points.

So, the scores are,
Sam gets 5 points,

Julian and Sue both get 4 points.

We skip down to Lucy gets 2 points,

and Susan, I'm afraid, just the 1.

But the winner, by miles,
was Sam Campbell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One more task for your
favourite taskmaster.

Oh, yes, and it's a classic
nomenclature task.

SHE WHISTLES

Hello. Hm.

Hm! Hm.

Hm.

TIMER BEEPS

Has it started already?

Mm-hm. OK.

Well, normally I'd do some niceties,
but clock's ticking.

Well, you made it start.

What, by saying good morning?

By indulging in a pleasantry?
Sort of.

You suit a caravan.

I can imagine you
sitting in a lay-by

opening a tin of spaghetti hoops.

Very me.

TIMER BEEPS

Who's she? She sounds great.

TIMER BEEPS
Er, OK.

Are they your children?

No, these are little
knitted characters.

Do they want to come out?

They look like they want
to come out.

They don't want to come out.

We have to start the task now. Yes.

TIMER BEEPS

Hello.

Are you smiling? Yes.

Oh, good. Start the clock.
TIMER BEEPS

"Choose a new nickname based on

"something you do in the
next 20 minutes.

"Best nickname wins.

"Your time started when you smiled."

Oh. Mm.

I smiled at you,
and you smiled back.

Oh, so that was...

That wasn't real.

Have you had many nicknames before?

"f*ck Pig," I used to be called.

OK, and was that mummy?

HE CHUCKLES

I had a teacher that called me
"Trouble".

But I wasn't trouble
that's why it was sweet.

Ah. They called me "Nice Guy" -
cos I wasn't.

I believe that.

Er, maybe I should use the


and get a amazing nickname
based on that.

Yeah, 20 minutes is enough,
that's what they say, isn't it?


I think it is.

I could hop round and you
could call me "Hoppy".

That sort of thing you're
thinking of? That sorta thing, yeah.

Oh, and is there clues around here?
Is that why we're in here?

There's no clues.
I mean, you can look at everything.

But I'm not allowed to touch stuff?
You can touch stuff.

Maybe that could be the nickname,
Touchy!

I don't think
that's a good nickname.

Could wink, you could call me Winky?

Could slap you...
you'd call me Slappy?

LUCY: Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

I think I want to be a prodigy.

Are you looking for a cool nickname,
or a dangerous nickname, or...?

Er, I want to be dangerous. OK.

Er, I think I have
the soul of a m*rder*r!

SHE LAUGHS

Right. OK, cool, I'll be
with you in a sec.

Right, let's go and have
a little look.

APPLAUSE

Erm, I was worried, Julian,

that this one wasn't
firing up your imagination.

And then, out of nowhere,
"Oh, hello, f*ck Pig."

Your legal department won't
thank me for going into details.

LAUGHTER

Right, then. We going to start?
You betcha. All right,

we're going to start with
two contestants formerly known

as Lucy and Sue.

AGGRESSIVE ELECTRONIC
MUSIC PLAYS

Anarchy!

STRUMS TUNELESSLY

Ahh!

Anarchyyyy!

Anarchy!

Anarchy!

SHE GROWLS

Well, no wonder they call her
Lucyfer, the Rock God.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I like someone who commits a
lot of time and effort

for a bit of basic wordplay. Yeah.

I thoroughly enjoyed it, high drama.

I'm glad that you spelled out
Lucy's nickname so clearly,

because I presumed it was
going to be

"Institutionalised
For Her Own Safety."

LAUGHTER

And what symbolises anarchy better

than the biting of a fir tree?

Have you had much of a period of
genuine anarchy in your life ever?

No, never, no.
You've never really let loose?

I've tried to just do what
I'm told, you know?

Yeah? What's the most rebellious
thing you've ever done?

Once threw a poo out of a window.

Yeah, I was in Kavos.
Off the balcony.

Why did you throw a poo off the...?

Put it in a bag. Yeah, why?

Cos I couldn't flush it, and
I didn't want people to pick on me.

LAUGHTER

Let's crack on, then. All right.

It's time to look for
the last time at Julian Clary,

before he goes by another
name altogether.

Shall I do what I'm going to do,

and you can guess my nickname?

Ready?

I'm ready.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry.
I've broken the whole table.

Yeah, well, I guess...
This is all part of my nickname.

Well, er...

Ooh. Look at this,
it's come right off.

This is my caravan.

Right, well, er...

Well, I'm sorry about that.
I can only apologise.

Hm. Look at your name.

What's your new name?

Butch.

THEY LAUGH

And I think I've proven
my point, don't you?

I think you have, Butch.

Lovely. Thank you.

Oh, I do apologise.
Sorry about that.

Take it you can't help it, really.

Can't. When you're butch,
these things happen.

Bye, Butch.

I mean, when you look at
the production values in the two

we've seen so far, you must feel
some degree of shame with that?

I didn't know - no-one offered me
a film crew and...

I think your nickname should be
Minimal Effort.

It's break time again!

Will Butch win a quiche?

Will Lassue Perkins gain
a chocolate bar?

Might Lucyfer, the Rock God
take home a thesaurus full of

little question marks?

The answer - none of this matters!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, hello!

Welcome back to
the last part of the show.

The current task involves nicknames.

Now it's time for Susan and Samson.

Here we go.

I'd like you to take a seat.
Thank you.

And if you could just make sure
that you rest your hands there...

...and there. Thank you very much.

And I'm not really allowed
to leave here?

Y-You're allowed...
Are you going to leave here?

I'll go where you go. Really?

It's every task.

We can go out on the road.

No... w-well, yes, OK.

Is that allowed?
It's not encouraged.

Just going to pop these over,
like this. Hm.

OK, I'm now going to stop talking
to you in the Susan manner.

Cos she's gone.

Who's here now?

Chain b*stard.

Do you know him?
Well, he's driving a car.

Why are you called Chain b*stard?

You're about to find out.

Excuse me, madam,

do you have time to quickly
coin a nickname?

This is for a huge
television programme.

No, I'm sorry, I'm... Apologies.

Damn it!


I know!

Ah!

What's my name? Chain b*stard.

Good. Who's the boss?

Greg Davies. No. No?

Who's the boss here right now?
Ah. Is it Chain b*stard?

It is Chain b*stard.

Excuse me, madam, can I ask you
a question really quickly?

I need to coin a new nickname.

SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

You've gotta go have lunch. Yeah.
Yeah, good idea. Bye-bye.

Damn it!

Hm.

What's my name? Chain b*stard.

Mm-hm.

Excuse me, just one-one second.

One second. Hey, how's it going?

Yeah. Erm, I just need to
coin a new nickname,

so if you could just, erm,
give me a nickname.

I'll tell,
I'll whisper it to you.

Er, if you could give me
any nickname, what would it be?

Doctor Cigarettes.

Doctor Cigarettes! What?!

Thanks, man. No worries.
Stay safe. Bye-bye.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Why did he come up with
Doctor Cigarettes?

Hm, I guess he just liked my vibe.

Still going - oh, all right. Yeah.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Sam.

You enjoy that, Sam?

Sam?

Doctor Cigarettes,
did you enjoy that?

RASPY VOICE: Alex.
I had the time of my life.

Great.

APPLAUSE

It strikes me, Susan, that even
when you essentially hold someone

against their will and give yourself
the name Chain b*stard... Hm.

...that you just still seem
really fun and friendly.

All the suggestions that
I were coming up with

were dangerous,
and involved, like, weapons.

So, in the end, the chains stayed...

Yeah... and then, feathers arrived.

I was surprised that Chain b*stard
was applying feathers.

Er, Sam. I-I mean,
I put to you that,

before you spoke to one member of
the public, that you'd already

decided you wanted to be known
as Doctor Cigarettes.

Greg, Greg, Greg,
what can I tell you?

Smoking kills...

...weaklings!

Taskmaster does not support smoking.

LAUGHTER
It's very dangerous.

Right, Greg, who, in your opinion,
has the worst nickname?

Well, Julian. Oh, Butch?

Yeah, 1 point to Butch.

Chain b*stard gets 2 points.


Lassue Perkins,
big production value.

Hm. 3 points.

Now, we're into Lucyfer,
the Rock God,

and Doctor Cigarettes.

Pack a day keeps the doctor away.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to give Lucy 4 points,

because I think the nickname
really suits you.

And, I don't even know why,

but 5 points goes
to Doctor Cigarettes.

Sam Campbell wins the task!

CHEERING

Right, please, can you all make
your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Who's going to read the task out?

Lucy Beaumont's going
to read this one.

"One member of your team must lie
on three of the squares

"and go to sleep.

"After they have taken
their position,

"they must not move until
the task is over.

"Taking it in turn,
the other team members must

"try to land their cushion in
each of the three sleep squares.

"First team to strike out
the sleeper wins."

Hm. Ooh.

So, one of your team must lie
in three squares.

The team will then throw this
cushion back and forth,

trying to land it in
the squares that they're in.

I'll tick off the misses on this.

There's a game similar.

LAUGHTER

Does it sound like "cattle tips"?

A little bit like cattle tips, yeah.

First of all, you've got to decide
who on your team'll be the sleeper,

and where they'll lie.

Oh, this is like Battleships! Yes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right, Greg who do you
want to throw first?

I want... Susan to throw first.

Oh, that's a miss, it's D3.

C3, a miss.

I've got no idea what's going on.

LAUGHTER

It's like you said,
it's like Battleships.

I'm getting it confused with
a different game.

It's Guess Who I'm thinking of.

Miss. Right.

It's a miss.

Ooh! Miss.

OK. I'm going to try to just
chip it in over there.

What do you reckon?
It's up to you.

Hit!

Ahh!

It was a miss. OK.

Miss!
LUCY: Oh, I'm sorry.

Ooh. Hit!

Oi. Miss. Ahh.

SAM: This changes everything!

AUDIENCE OOHS

I-I'm going to have to ask VAR
where that landed.

I can tell you.

LAUGHTER

It is a strike,
but you've already done that...

But it was nice to hear
from Julian, cos I...

...I did fear for a while
he might be dead.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Ooh. Hit! Ooh!

That was amazing.

You're really up against it now,
Chain b*stard.

D4! Hit. Hit, hit!

Both have two strikes, Greg.

It's next strike wins.

I'm just going to go like that.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Hit! It's all over! It's all over.

APPLAUSE

Right we'll add that to
the final scores.

Come down and join me!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the team of three won,
so they get 5 points each.

Sadly, the team of two again failed.

Aww. I'm so sorry.

We tried really hard,
and we had so much fun.

Aw! No points.

Ah, no points.

Er, I can tell you where
the series scores lie at this point,

would you like that. Oh, God.
I would like that.

Susan, you've got 39 points.
Thank you.

Lucy, you've got 40. Ah.

Sue, 42.

Then, just a slight


...Julian on 54, Sam on 57.

Wow. So the current leader.

Wow!
APPLAUSE

This particular episode,
there's a slight gulf between

leader and loser - Susan got 6,

Sam wins the episode
with 24 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam Campbell wins the show!

Please come up to the stage and
pick up your questionable presents.

CHEERING

Episode three is done,
and you know who the winner was?

Yeah, that's right,

it was Sam Campbell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE