16x04 - Dynamite Chicks

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

BELL RINGS
Good evening.

Argh!
SLURPS LOUDLY

Argh! Ah!

HE VOCALISES

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ahh!

Huh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome!
Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, and today,
I've decided to take a break

from writing these introductions,

and let an AI bot have a go at it.

Here's what it came up with.

"Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.

"We have five comedians shaking
in their boots,

"eager to please the Taskmaster."

Not bad so far.

It goes on to say, "Pathetic humans,

"soon you will all be sl*ves.

"You will work in our cobalt mines
to provide the raw materials

"needed to expand our kind,

"then remote-controlled diggers will
seal you and your fragile people

"beneath the earth.

"There will be no escape
from the dark tomb,

"and humanity will fade to nothing!

"All hail the new kings!

"All hail the robots!"

Not bad at all.

Right, let's meet our contestants
while we still have time.

Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who once
got dragged six miles across

open countryside by grabbing
what he believed to be

a horse's fifth leg.

It's...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Hooorne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, tonight, I think you will
genuinely be impressed by me.

OK. Cos I-I have got hold of...

I know you won't believe me,
but I've got hold of a time machine.

A working time machine.
DISAPPOINTEDLY: OK.

Do you want to see it? Yeah.

Here you go.

LAUGHTER

It tells you exactly
what time it is.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

It goes - look, you can see,

it's changing as time goes on.

Want a satsuma?

Well, I-I do like a satsuma. OK.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Phew! On with the prize task.

All right, you are such
a stupidly sexy man.

You know it.
And the prize task category is

the best thing for grown-up that
is meant for a child.

Ah.
AUDIENCE OOHS


and then, the grown-up who wins

the episode will take home five
things meant for children, splat.

It's a thing that's supposed
to be for a child that's

also good for an adult.
Hello, Lucy.

Ah, it's...a b-urrp.

A burr? Buhr.

Buhr.

Be-ack. A beep-ap.

I feel like something's happened
to me. Has something happened?

OK well, this is what
Lucy's brought in.

LAUGHTER

Oh, a bib. It's a bib attached
to a packed lunch box.

Have you created a bi-pack?
Is that what you want to say?

Yeah, yeah. A bi-pack. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that'll be more
straightforward than a burh-ha.

Yeah, so it's for the person who
wants to go on picnics...

Yeah. ..and then,
if they drop something

wants to keep them droppings
for later.

So, it's for the kind of person
who might half-eat a pasty.

It's for a grazer.
Grazer, a snacker. Yeah.

Welcome to bi-pack.
LAUGHTER

Good. Hello, Julian. Hello.

Can you beat the bi-pack?

This'll cheer you up.

It's a book by Captain WE Johns,

intended for children,

but amuses me
as a renowned h*m*.

LAUGHTER

Here is the book.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

What's Biggles taking rough?

Well, active service, I believe.

And...and he's taking it...

Rough. ..rough.

There are 100 Biggles books,
about 100 -

and I'd say half of them
are innuendo titles.

Er, by accident?

Biggles Gets His Men.

Biggles and The Dark Intruder.

The very first one was called
The Camels are Coming,

I don't think that is...
LAUGHTER

That was the first one.

That is very good. Susan.

Er, my item is a lava lamp.

And here it is. And here it is.
In case you've never seen one.

Ah, it's a nice one. Although...

Looks like the sort of lamp
that Biggles might have.

LAUGHTER

Children love it. Yeah.

But it also doubles as a
Seasonal Affective Disorder lamp.

With the greatest of respect,
there's not a medical professional

in the land who would say if you
have Seasonal Affective Disorder,

you should seek out a lava lamp.

And I think you know that. No!

And I'll tell you this,
I don't think a lava lamp...

It does! ..should be for a child.

Oh, no, that's true. Health and
Safety has asked me to say...

Oh, my... ..they're not recommended
for under-14s.

OK, but 15 is still a child,
so bish, bash, bosh.

Oh, yeah, job's a good 'un.
LAUGHTER

You've got me on a technicality.

Who's next? Sue. Ah, Sue.

So, something for a child that
I've found works beautifully

for an adult -
it is the simple nappy.

There it is.

So, my ex, who was a big eater,
the night we sort of got together,

there was a very big buffet at
a friend's house and,

moment by moment, I watched her
demolish an entire wheel of cheese.

Jesus. Wow.

I thought, "I don't think
tonight's the night."

So, I went up and I turned
the lights out,

and she came in to lie next to me

wearing an adult nappy
that she'd found,

so that we knew that we'd
have a safe evening.

And I think there's
so many nights like that.

Thanks, Sue.
It is useful to have a nappy,

erm, when you're an adult,
I imagine.

It's quite bleak.

Here we go, Sam.

It's my birth certificate.

LAUGHTER

They've had to...

Legal said to, yeah,
they've blurred it out,

but I guess it's pretty saucy stuff.

I don't think a birth
certificate's for a child,

I think it's for the adult.
What are you talking about?

It's for the children?
A birth certificate - birth.

You know, name and surname.
There we go.

Yeah, no, I can see it.

I've got one somewhere.
It does say "child" on it. Yeah.

It does say "child," yeah.

Yeah-ha-ha-ha!

HE CHORTLES CONFIDENTLY

This is something produced
for an adult,

and later, for another adult.

That's not true at all. Yes, it is.

It's called a birth certificate.
It's for a child...

I know what it's called!

"Oh, we'll wait 18 years or
whatever, it's for" -

you use it all the time, man.

During your childhood,
if you can name me specific times

that you, as a child,
needed your birth certificate,

then this is going to score highly.

I used it to paper-cut a bully.
To paper-cut a bully?

LAUGHTER
Right, OK, you're making stuff up.

Well, Susan, who would've thought
that someone would score

worse than a lava lamp?

Birth certificate is not for
the actual child. 1 point.

OK. 1 point to Sam.

You should not buy
a lava lamp for a child.

OK.

And yet, someone's got


Well done, Susan. Congratulations.


If you're attracted to someone
and you're thinking of wooing them,

rather than have to go looking
for an adult nappy,

the better thing to do would be not
to eat an entire wheel of cheese.

Can't disagree with that, Greg.

Then I must only give it 3 points.
I understand.

Only two left to score.

OK, well, I'm going to put
Biggles on 4 points,

and I'm going to give
the bi-pack 5 points.

I think you're onto something.

APPLAUSE

On we task, what's up first?

I'm going to get all emotional now,
because it's my absolute favourite.

It's time for sausages!

Hi, Sam.

Like a sausage.

Who doesn't?

Ah. Vegans.

I am a vegan.

Are you? Yeah.
But you like sausages.

I just keep forgetting.

What nonsense do you have
for me now?

What do you mean? Nonsense.

HE GROANS
"Make a sausage.

"You can only use seven ingredients.

"Each beginning with the letters
of the word 'sausage.'

"You have five minutes
to order your ingredients...

"..And 20 minutes
to prepare your sausage."

"Most surprisingly pleasant
sausage wins.

"The most surprisingly pleasant
sausage wins.

"You may not order sausages."

This is far from nonsense.

"Your time starts...now!"

Sorry.

Need to ostensibly look like
it'll be grotesque, but dazzle.

Can skin be one?

I see.

You know, like edible underwear?

Everyone likes a pair. Uh-huh.

Anchovy. I wouldn't recommend that.

Some carrot. Urgh! A banana.

Lucy...are you OK?

Unalive cod.

Some prawns.

Artisanal...

"A decorative plate."

I look like I eat, right?
I eat all the time.

Why can't I think of things?! OK.

LUCY: Some carrots.
Some carrots.

Apple. Urgh, banana.

Hmm. Some carrots.

Right, OK. Apple.

Ugly...raisins.

All the herbs.

Is that how you spell "edible"?
Yeah. Yeah.

An edible what?

WHISTLE BLOWS

Well, if it's pleasant,
it will be a surprise.

Great, thank you for everything.

APPLAUSE

Lucy. Hmm?

You said, really excitedly,
"Who doesn't like sausages?" Yeah.

And then, you said, "Vegans."

And then, there was a brief pause,
and you went, "I'm a vegan."

Yeah...yeah.

There should be a term for someone
who's a vegan who also eats meat.

Well, I only eat things
with wings now.

If it's got wings, I'll have it.
Yeah. Things with wings?

Yeah. Do you eat things with fins?

Fish, yeah.

LAUGHTER

I believe, if you could k*ll it...

You should be allowed to eat it.
..you're allowed to eat it, yeah.

And I can k*ll a fish on
its side, if I...

If I can only see one eye,
I can k*ll something.

LAUGHTER

Sue, it's a very bold woman
who'll attempt a fish sausage.

LAUGHTER

I, er, go hard or go home.

And now, I know Lucy loves
a one-eyed fish sausage.

I'm hopeful.

Good, what's going on, Alex,
who we going to see?

Well, the first two sausage
chefs we're going to see

are Lucy and Sam.

I've been shopping. Oh, good.

You've got 20 minutes
to make a sausage. Awesome.

This actually looks like something
that sausages could be made of.

Now, of course, I will need some
electrical equipment,

just to blend it together
to make the patty.

Oh, too much.

Perfect, there we go.

When it comes to cooking,
aesthetic is almost everything.

Perfect.

You look pleased.

Hi, Sam. Hello.

What am I going to be eating?

Whoa. One big sausage.

Here's what you ordered.

A sausage. Yeah.

Would the master like some cutlery?

You must've had a sausage before.

I've had a sausage before.

I've not had one with
such prominent...ends?

Oh, yes, the ends are very
prominent this time of year.

Can I pick it up?

P-P-Pick what up, sorry?

You know how you can normally
pick up a sausage? Yeah, sure!

Ooh, it opens up for you,
doesn't it?

SAM LAUGHS

OK.

I'm going to pick it up now. OK.
And eat it like a sausage.

OK. Oh, no. Huh?

I picked the end up.
Ooh. Sausage.

WHISPERING: That's a big bit.

How is everything?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

THEY CHUCKLE

I recommend a little bit.
A little bit, OK, yeah.

It tastes like a hot banana.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Hmm, that's gorgeous.

Gosh, I'll be having that
at lunchtime.

Will you take it away from me,
please? Yeah.

HE MUTTERS: It's h*...
It's really horrible.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUES

One of the worst things
I've ever heard from someone

who was eating something was,

"Oh, it really opens up for you,
doesn't it?"

It was horrible.
Yeah, sorry about everything, eh?

OK. It was disgusting.
How about Lucy's?

Oh, yeah.
It looked like an awful turd.

LAUGHTER

How did it taste? Awful.

I mean, in many ways, you'll have
to help me judge these, really.

Well, it's meant to be surprisingly
pleasant, so you're meant to look

at it and think, "That won't be very
nice. Oh, it is quite pleasant."

Neither of them looked or were
pleasant. Which one was the worst?

Sam's one was the worst.
Thank you.

We've got the beginnings
of a competition.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's pause
to let off some steam.

We'll see you back here soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, to all of you, and welcome
back to part two of Taskmaster.

Time for the next two
sausage-makers and, hot dog,

it's Julian and Susan!

I've found all the things
you asked for, Julian.

Oh, well done.

You've got 20 minutes.


to wash my hands.

Ah, thank you.

You've got 20 minutes Susan.


I think I've found
everything you wanted.

Yeah, you've got it.
I'm really impressed -

edible glitter, good.

It wasn't easy to find
the edible pants.

Oh, no, they look gross,
don't they?

Like something out
of Silence of the Lambs.

Some aubergines.
Greens - beautiful, beautiful.

That is a sausage, isn't it?

WHISTLE BLOWS

Sausages? Ooh, yes, please.

Get that down, you.

Three sausages! I know.

Wow.

Hello, sir. Susan.

Hoping for some surprisingly
pleasant sausages.

Surprising? Ooh.

Erm, you have a whole avocado.

And the undies?

Er, you can lick them.

Lick them.
Yeah, you can lick the undies.

I'll go for the middle one.
Yeah, go for that one.

Ooh, sticky. Yeah.
It's a sensation, I think.

All the qualities of a sausage.
Mm-hm.

SUSAN LAUGHS

Oh, it's so salty.

SUSAN LAUGHS
Isn't it?Yeah.

Hmm. You're nodding. Mm-hm.

Oh.

What are you tasting?

Mainly edible pants.

Yeah. Hmm.

It's just salt. Is it?

Salt and a strawberry. You try it.
What about that?

How's that? That's the strawberry.

Yeah. But it's not a sausage.

Sh, sh, sh, sh.

The part with the granola... Hmm.

..really sets off the soft apple.
Yes.

And is that sticky toffee? Yes.

Ah, hmm. Good boy.

No, that one was quite pleasant.
Yeah. Which is a surprise.

Did you get that?
"Pleasant surprise."

Down the hatch.

Would you like some knickers to,
like, just, to lick or something?

Yes, please. Sign it off?

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Hmm, it's quite nice.

What are you doing under the table?
Oh, I'm just hiding the last bit.

Oh. Thank you, Julian.

OK, you're welcome.

APPLAUSE

Right, I'm starting with the
relatively successful sausage first.

Yes. Well, it turned out quite
well, didn't it?

I've never been one to use edible
pants, but they seem very thick.

Now, should you have to work
that hard to eat your way

through some pants?

They should be thinner
and more skin-like.

Yeah, it felt like they were
edible pants for a labourer.

Like, they were pretty...
Feel like you could do...

For a labourer. ..a hard day's work.

Big lad working on the roads.

I think so, wearing it
all day, and then,

"Oh, I guess I'll eat them now."
LAUGHTER

Well done for doing a quite
successful sausage.

To Susan. Hi.

I very much enjoyed you making
Alex lick some knickers. Yeah.

I liked you calling him
a "good boy".

And I liked how pleased he was
to be called a "good boy"

while he was licking knickers.
Yeah. Me, too.

And you did it with
the weird authority of

a primary school teacher.

Hmm, the sausage. Mm-hm.

I mean, it was absolute madness.
It was madness, yes.

I don't think, at any point,
you attempted to make a sausage. No!

LAUGHTER

You know what? It's funny
that Susan's way of disarming me

is just to go, "I know, I didn't."

And the weird thing is it
sort of works! Who's next?

Right, there's only one person left.

What sausage will Porkins make?

Let's find out...right now.

I've brought you everything you
asked for, Sue. Oh, good.

It's fish sausage time, right?

Oh, God it reeks.

I don't think I want to hear
the chef saying how much it stinks.

I don't think you should be around
to see what happens next.

I'll meet you in the dining room.
Right. Ooh, the smell.

No wonder people don't put
this in a sausage.

Vile! That's absolutely horrendous!

WHISTLE BLOWS
That's your time up, Sue.

Well, they look amazing, Sue.
Thank you.

They look very different
from each other.

Yes, it's two ways.

Well, I'll go for the underneath.

Hmm.

It tastes brilliant. Yay!

Now we move on to the pinky.

So, this has got a sort of
smoked salmon casing.

I'm going to use fingers
for this one.

You might get a nice burst.

Wow, look at that.

They should be on sale.

They really should. Delicious.
They'd need a lot of PR.

Hmm.

What was your favourite?

I would have both.

Honestly, starter and main.

Yeah. You know what it is. Hmm?

Surprisingly pleasant.

That's surprisingly delicious.

It's almost too nice.

Congratulations, Sue.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If I were Alex in the Porkins
restaurant, from the kitchen,

I heard the following things.

"Oh, my God, it reeks."

And then, "Vile,
absolutely horrendous,"

coming from the chef. Hmm.

But, seems like it was a triumph.

It came together, didn't it,
weirdly? Hmm.

It's like, you know in the Matrix,
when those - it goes,

"I know kung fu," it's like,
suddenly someone going, pfft -

"Oh, my God, I know sausages."

LAUGHTER

OK, well, look here are all five
sausages, it's time to score them.

What was the least tasty sausage?

I'm afraid it's Sam's.
Sam's was inedible.

Sorry, Sam.

You've gotta eat.
LAUGHTER

OK, 1 point to Sam, incredible.

Yeah, and there was a surprisingly
pleasant moment with Susan's,

but only the one moment. One moment.
Yeah, so that gets 2 points.

That gets 2, I think probably...

I mean, look at Lucy's.

Served with a duck.
It's why it's got a duck there.

Yeah. So, I think it'd be 3 to Lucy
and 4 to Julian, but I mean,

it's obvious that 5 points has
to go to Sue Perkins.

Are you happy with that? Of course.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next, please!
Ooh, you're a keen one,

and this is a team one.

Ooh.
AUDIENCE OOHS

Well, well, well.

Oh, you're here. What a thrill.

What's this? Ah.

Please stand behind your buckets.

And then, please put
the buckets on your heads.

We don't even question it any more.

Would you mind if I attach
things to you?

It would be a great pleasure.

Julian. I'm doing you first.

Oh, my bum!

That really worries me,
cos I just wasn't affected by him

sort of pinning things to my boobs.

You may take the tubs
off your heads.

The task is behind you
on the whiteboard.

Shall I read it? Yeah.

"Complete all the tasks.

"Then put the tubs back
on your heads.

"One person must be looking at
a team-mate at all times

"during these tasks.

"Also, one person must be
shaking their head and smiling

"at all times during the task."

I could do that.

"And one person must only shout."

I'm good at shouting.

Do you like shouting? Yeah.
OK, great, great, great, great.

I'm going to pretend that
the fox shat in my garden again.

Is that all right? There's method.

I can shout. Or do you want
to shake your head and smile?

Oh, that's horrible.

I'm quite good at looking.
Can I do the looking?

You're very watchful.
So, Sue's going to be shouting.

Susan'll be shaking her head
and smiling. Yes.

And one of you must be looking at
the other person at all times.

You're easier to look at than I am.

I will not have you say that.
Take that and put it in the bin.

All right. I want to stare at you.
God, that's really good of you.

I'll look at you. I believe that.

So, you'll be shaking your head
and smiling, and looking at Sue.

"Fastest wins."

BOTH: "Your time starts when
Alex blows his whistle!"

WHISTLE BLOWS
Ah!

Good. Seems quite straightforward.

Well, I think, why don't we
just crack on with it?

Lucy, you'll shout at
an imaginary fox, right,

just to be clear, are you?
Oh, I know. I regret that now.

You forget anyone's going
to watch when you're in there.

LAUGHTER

We're beginning with
the team of trois, here we go.

There are 12 tasks on you.

Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS

Get out of my garden,
you bloody fox!

I can't believe it! Get out!

No Lucy, you don't have
to be shouting.

You can shout the instructions.

"Eat one bowl of cereal in the lab."

So, I don't have to just continue
to shout about anything? No.

"Sniff the front door!"

You don't need to have eye contact,
I'm just looking at you.

Did you watch Lucy sniff
the front door?

I did watch her sniff
the front door.

And what does it smell like, Lucy?

It smelt like wood!

Want to try sniffing the back door?

THEY LAUGH

Have to shout,
if you're going to comment.

You're a mucky bugger!

"Shake hands!"

"Name a total of five biscuits!"

Bourbons. Bourbons!

Rich Tea. Rich Tea!

Chocolate finger.

Chocolate finger!
Garibaldi. Garibaldi!

Jam rings. Jam rings!

Yeah, lovely, thank you.
Gotta shake his hand.

"Make your buckets look
like your faces!"

Well, obviously, Julian, you've
gotta be looking at Lucy. I am.

Do him dribbling. There we are.

Lovely. OK, next one.

"Do a total of 20 squats!"

Total of 20.

I don't know who's counting.

We've done 20, I think.

I've done 15,
so that must be 20, OK.

Shake hands, er, again?

"Tell each other something
you've done that you regret!"

Er, going to Croatia last year,
but just what happened there.

Ah, OK. Cunnilingus.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

I did a big poo when
I went to Kavos,

and I threw it off the balcony.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER
And you regret that?Yeah!

"Shake hands."

THEY LAUGH

"Shake hands!"

There's one on your shoulder.

"Write a powerful message to
the other team on the whiteboard!"

Wow! That's lovely!

"Shake hands!"

Buckets back on heads?

Ooh, ow.

WHISTLE BLOWS
I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

Well, I don't know where to start,
it's just...

It was just like three minutes
of absolute insanity.

Julian's big regret is cunnilingus.

LAUGHTER

And I don't know why I said that,
really, cos I didn't...

..don't really regret it,
I was very good at it.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Lucy, "Oh, you mucky bugger."

My next question is,
what happened in Croatia?

I... Do you know what I mean?
It's not so much...

And this is boring, and no-one'll
want to hear this stuff.

It wasn't cunnilingus,
it was just...

Like, I just felt like I didn't make
the most of my time there.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What did you think of Sam's choice
for an inspirational message

for the other team?
"Fly forever, my angels."

Have you seen these chicks?

They're angels!

ALL: Aww!

SUE: Look at him.

SUSAN: I don't think I've ever
been called a "chick".

No, I never - no.
LAUGHTER

Or an angel. Or an angel.

Just fly forever, chicks.

Cheers, babes.
How long did they take?

The team of three took
six minutes and 48.

That is the bar set.

OK, break time. Or, as I call it,

"tip a pan of cold water on your
sleeping partner" time.

You've got to do something
to bring the excitement back.

He takes you for granted!
He's married to golf!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome to the third part
of today's Taskmaster,

where there's a team task under way.

There really is, and there are lots
of tasks involved in this task.

Lots - and now, for lots of Sues
involved in lots of tasks.

"Tell each other something
you've done that you regret!"

Wearing thermals with two single
sets of boiler suits on!

I regret when I decided
to put a watch battery in my ear

when I was six, because my ears
weren't pierced.

"Make your tubs look like
your faces!" What?

How can we make a tub
look like a face?

Is there anyway we can draw?
Is everything we need in here?

Oh, the... Yes, there's a pen!
Well done, you're amazing.

Ah!

Can I touch your knee? Yes!

"Write a powerful message to
the other team on the whiteboard!"

"Less is less."

There you go. Wow.

I've caveated it. That is powerful.

It is powerful, isn't it?

"Shake hands!"

I really enjoyed that.
"Sniff the front door!"

Come on, let's sniff it!

I forgot for a minute
that you've gotta shout.

Damn, that smells good!

"Shake hands!" We've done it
already, but I'm doing it again!

Is it the same one?
I don't know. OK.

"Shake hands!" What?

"Touch me!"

"Do a total of 20 squats!" OK.

Oh... Oh, that's nice!

Not sure this is appropriate!
What's happening?

This is unbearable!



..19, 20!

Can I? Yeah. Lot of squats
there, guys, thank you.

"Eat one bowl of cereal in the lab!"

Follow me to the kitchen! OK.

Cereal's here! Don't know why
I've adopted this voice!

Mm. Keep smiling, Susan.
You need to keep smiling. Mm!

That was disgusting!

God, this feels like the biggest
bowl of cereal I've ever had.

"Shake hands!"

MUFFLED: Can I finish now? No!

Ooh, one more to go!
Is that the final one?

Ah, yeah!

"Name a total of five biscuits!"

Garibaldi! Nice! Bourbon!

Custard cream! Chocolate digestive!

Jammie Dodger! And, er, that's it.
That's it!

And that's television!

APPLAUSE

Ah...er, that's it! That's it!

AUDIENCE OOHS
That's it!

Ah! Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, wow.

I know we should start with
the heartbreaking revelation

you missed a task.
Ah, well, we've just seen.

We've just seen it now, yeah.

You poured an awful lot of
cereal into those bowls.

It's because I had to keep
looking at Sue as I did it,

so I wasn't like measuring.

And, as, as happened before
on this series, Sue,

you inhabit this sort of bizarre
Sergeant Major character often.

Well, it was...
You become quite military.

Yeah, I think, er, it said shouting,

and I suppose the only sort of
template I have for that

is the army. It's just such
a strange combination.

It's this jolly, compliant
primary school teacher...

..and then, a '50s sergeant major.

And yet, you both seemed
to get on so well.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, obviously the team of three
have done better right?

Yes, but not by that much.

They got six minutes, 48,

the team of two, seven minutes, 54.

So, we'll give 5 points to
the team of three for a start.

OK, well done, team of three.

APPLAUSE

I'm feeling a real prick. Hm.

You didn't complete the task.

Well, just give them the points,
these are dynamite chicks.

They're unreal! They're massive.

So, how many points for the
"dynamite chicks"?

Well, I was going to say 1,
just as a sympathy thing,

but now Sam's made me think
they're dynamite chicks,

and I should give them 2.

AUDIENCE AGREES
Yeah. Ahh.

Yeah, go on, I'll give 'em 2.

OK, 2 points for the team of two!
CHEERING

It's a big enough gulf.

Right, I'd like one more task,
please, little Alex Horne.

It's now time to play
Celebrity Squares.

Hello, Susan. Hiya.

Any sign of a secret task
around the place?

I don't know what you're on about.
No?

Or you're just making small talk.

You never know with you.

"Recreate a well-known piece of
art on these memo squares.

"You must draw on every memo square.

"But you may only look at one
memo square at a time."

Hmm.

SUE: "You have 20 minutes,

"after which the memo squares
will be arranged

"in a ten-by-ten square."

Wow!

"Best memo square art wins."

Are these different colours?

You haven't said
"your time starts now" yet.

I haven't, no. Right.

Do you want me to get these pens
before the time starts?

Yeah.

Could you go and get me
a red please?

I've got to do
every single one of these?

Yeah, there's 100. It's a nightmare.
Hundred. Yeah.

OK, you get the pens... The pens.

..and then, I'll say "start".

What when I come back? Yes.
Right. Is that all right?

Yes.

He's not happy.

There is 100 there.

It's not a lot of time per square.

Best not to do Monet.

The medium does lend itself
to cubism.

Can I get these out of
here before, no?

But it seems like you can do
anything before the task.

Can never tell, can you,
when you're laughing or sulky.

OK, my time starts now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I would like to agree with Julian
and say that you're right,

you can never tell whether
you're laughy or sulky.

Yeah, just think it's worth getting
on record sometimes

what an odd man you are.
LAUGHTER

Lucy, "Best not to do Monet."

Oh, no. Why?

Cos it's got lots of little dots
on it, hasn't it? Yeah.

Lots of bits. I suppose.

Especially as his eyesight was
failing of course, as well.

Did he lose his ear?

No, different guy.
LAUGHTER

One had an ear problem, one had an
eye problem. Simple as that.

Oh. That's the way I remember them.

Right. Mon-eye...

..and Van cut-it-off.

LAUGHTER

Let's go. Yes, it's a tough task.

You have to do one memo square
every 12 seconds.

Greg. Yes.

I would like to show you
my montage.

DEEP VOICE: # Sticky memo square! #

Can I draw a little aide-memoire
of the entire thing?

I would.

How many? Ten by ten?
Oh, that's wild.

I might need more red. OK.

Shall I tell you what it is
I'm doing?

It's Sunflowers, by Van Gogh.

Three.

I'm approaching this painting
as I'm doing admin.

So glad I've got a tea.

Oh, art is hard!

How many have you done?
You've got 16 minutes left.

One. Am I meant to do all 100?
Yeah.

Am I allowed to have a cheery chat
with you while I'm doing this?

I'd love that.
Do you like bird watching?

Of course.

Oh, what was on that one?

Just a little dot.

Ah! How am I doing for time,
I'm pretty good.

Pretty good, 18 minutes.

Got 15 minutes left.

So, I'm a bit behind
is what you're saying?

Little bit behind.
That's cos I tried to engage you

in a conversation.

Never make that mistake again.

Just can't picture this.

But I'm hoping that
the subconscious has taken over,

cos I've told my brain,

"You're going to draw Van Gogh."

Oh, there's so many left.

There's so many left!

AHH!

Do you want to do some dots, Alex?

Do you want to check that
you're happy with my...?

It's very good. Thank you.

Ahh.

Think I'm slowly getting it now.

What's the rarest
bird you've ever seen?

I walked in a barn recently,
and there was a barn owl,

and I really liked that.

Perhaps we could go together
one day, to look at barn owls.

I'd very much like that, please.

Three minutes left.
Don't talk to me. OK.

SHE SIGHS

Just remembered what
sunflowers look like.

Oh, God. I'm drawing poppies.

You're drawing poppies? Yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, God!

Why isn't it decreasing?!

This is one of the most exhausting
things I've ever done.

Why didn't I just draw
a c*ck and ba*ls?

Oh, have you finished? Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Julian, that was the most content
I've seen you this series, really.

Yes, it was quite meditative.

And you've arranged a date to go
and look at owls with Alex.

Well, he did seem to thaw out
a little bit.

It was a lovely 20 minutes. Yes.

I was involved in Julian's one.
He employed me.

Yes. Which I was grateful for.

Lucy, you seemed to have another
existential crisis during this.

Yeah.

You tried to paint subconsciously?
LAUGHTER

So, people do do that, don't they?

It's worth saying at this point,
some of the people made a plan -

except for Lucy,
who just went for it.

So, was picturing it in her mind
as she did it.

I thought that's what you
wanted me to do. Yeah.

And halfway through,
you had a sudden realisation that

you just remembered what
sunflowers look like.

I was doing f*cking poppies.
I know. Right.

So, you're doing Van Gogh's poppies.

I was getting Gok Wan
and Van Gogh mixed up. Oh, yes.

Well, they're very similar men.

LAUGHTER

OK, that's the end of part three.

One of these lucky adults is
soon going to trot home

in a brand-new bi-pack...

LAUGHTER
..and a nappy.

You'd be a fool not to come back!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello there, welcome back for
the last part of the show.

We're about to see some wonderful
pieces of art, I believe.

You must always believe.

Yes, the contestants had to recreate
a well-known piece of art

on some memo squares.

They had to draw on each square,

but could only look at
one square at a time.

First up, get ready,
here is Sam's piece.

Look at that.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
LUCY:Wow!Wow.Sam, that's amazing!

APPLAUSE

The Scream. It's amazing.
That's really good.

SUSAN: That's incredible!

It's based on a very
famous artwork.

LAUGHTER

You've added something quite
powerful, as well,

to Munch's The Scream.

Because I don't think,
in his original,

that the eyes are mouths, are they?

LAUGHTER

I also found his face
too symmetrical. Yeah.

We could mess with that.

Let's wonk that face up and stick
a couple of mouths in his eyes.

It's a really tough task,
and he immediately made a grid.

You said, "Like a draughtsman."

And then, he went for it,
and he remembered there was a bridge

in the painting,
so there was good recall.

That is a hell of an opener Sam,
it'll take some beating.

Different tactic -
this is Susan's picture.

Do you know which artwork
she's recreated? I do not.

The art piece is called Red,
by - what's his name?

Rothko. There we go.
That's the piece.

I ran out of red.
Did Rothko do just one red block?

Hmm. He did. And actually...

Probably did, didn't he,
the chancer?

And I would say...
Not fooling anyone, Rothko!

"I'm dead." I know.

Also, his single-colour ones do
have different shades of

that colour within,
so it's got elements of Rothko.

There we go.
It's a reasonably good idea, Susan.

Thank you. Welcome, well done.
Want to see another?

Yeah, is it another chick,
or is it a dude?

This is a hunk called Julian Clary.

Oh. It's good.

Damien Hirst. It is a Damien Hirst.

That's it, yeah. Dots picture.
That's very good.

Through the other side of the art,

I can see you two handling
an owl together.

LAUGHTER

Shall we see Sue Perkins now?

Yes, I think I'd like
to see Sue Perkins now.

Oh, wow! Oh, wow.

Bloody hell. That's amazing.

These are disappointingly good.
LAUGHTER

Is that the big ML?
It is the big ML, yeah. It is.

It's Mona Lisa, very clearly.

But why not pop ET's hand in?
I know.

I've gone full sausage-fingers
there, haven't I?

Why not Spielberg it?

This will be hard to judge this,
Greg.

It bloody is going to be
hard to judge. Yeah.

Especially cos finally,
it's Sunflowers by Van Gogh Wan,

reimagined by Lucy Beaumont.
LAUGHTER

Just picture the vase with
the flowers spilling out of it.

Oh, God I can see them. And all...

His use of colour's amazing.
..all the golden glory.

Here we go. Oh, vibrant.
Ready? Yes.

LAUGHTER

Some of Mona Lisa's hands have
made an appearance.

Not to forget, quite a few chickens.

Oh, Lucy.

It's the vase has been dropped,
the drop...it's a broken vase.

Oh, really? Yeah.

And I thought it was a mistake
to use your subconscious

when I heard you say it.

Never mind, well, do you want
to see all five, and then,

throw some points at it.
I do, yeah, I do, let's go.

Here they are,
here's the five of them.

Well, I think we can safely
say that Van Gogh Wan

probably has to get 1 point.

OK, 1 point to Lucy. Oh.

But then, there's a jump up
to Julian and Susan,

who I'll give joint points to.
How many joint points?

I'll give them 3 points each.
OK.

And the other two, er, incredible,
the ambition's incredible.

We knew what they were
straight away,

so they take 5 points each. Wow.

So, 3 each to Julian and Susan,


CHEERING

Can I have a quick look at
the scores, please? 'Course you can.

Susan, I'm afraid you're at
the bottom with 9.

At the top, it's Julian with 16,
and Sue with 15.

APPLAUSE

All right, then, will you please
make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Who's going to read the task out?

This time, Julian Clary's
going to read it.

Julian Clary.

"Write the name of a different
animal on each face of your dice.

"You have 100 seconds."

Simple as that, you may now pick up
your dice and your pens.

OK, good luck, your time starts now.

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS
Good.

We're ready for the dice games,
Greg. Let's play.

Greg is going to read out
Round One's category.

You'll then throw
the dice individually.

We'll start with you, Susan. OK.

"Round One, the most boring animal
will be eliminated."

Oh.

You want to throw your big ones.

That's all right. Oh.

Dog. Uh-oh.

Gosh, I almost fell fully asleep.

OK, Sue, please throw your
animal dice.

It is a... Elephant.

Less boring than a dog, you say!

Yes, so Sue's definitely through.

{\an7}LAUGHTER

What is it, Greg? It is a mammoth.

AUDIENCE OOHS
Not boring. Spicy.

Yeah, so it's still dog, is it,
the most boring?

Of course.

Lucy. Have you got any bor... Hm?

Mice. Mice. Ooh.

What's more boring, mice or dog?

I think maybe mice are
more boring than dogs. Yes.

Mice are more, er,
boring than dog...?

{\an7}LAUGHTER

My mum's got mice in the downstairs
cupboard, causing mayhem.

{\an7}LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Those mice do sound quite fun.

Julian, good luck.

{\an7}THEY LAUGH

He's thrown mouse.

{\an7}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm afraid, Julian, I must rule

that the most boring animal
thrown is a mouse.

Oh. Ah.

We lose Julian. We lose Julian.

Right in the middle, please.

OK, next category.

"The animal to be eliminated is
the most dangerous animal."

We know there's a mammoth.

Good luck, Susan.

What is it? Oh, no!

It's a snake.

OK.

Beautiful. A whale, nice blue whale.

Ooh, what's more dangerous,
a blue whale or a snake?

The snake is more dangerous
thus far.

Mammoth.

{\an7}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's more dangerous,
a mammoth or a snake, Greg?

I think, to a human being, snakes
are probably more dangerous.

One to throw.

Shih tzu.

I think I must ask Susan to retire.

Susan Wokoma, everyone.
APPLAUSE

The next category is "worst pet".

We know there's a mammoth.

Good luck.

Giant squid!

Genuinely a sh*t pet.

I think "Sue's in trouble"
would be my summary.

{\an7}THEY LAUGH

It's still squid.

Stick insect.

Oh, lovely bowl.

Duck-billed platypus!

{\an7}LAUGHTER

You don't see them as pets
very often.

But I still, given the choice,

would have a duck-billed platypus
over a giant squid.

I'm afraid I must ask Sue
to sit down.

APPLAUSE

The winner will be the
"animal is most like Greg".

We know there's a mammoth!

LAUGHTER

Human.

{\an7}LAUGHTER

{\an7}APPLAUSE

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

I'm afraid it's
a duck-billed platypus.

Are they still alive?
Yeah, they are.

They're here in human form.

Sam's the winner.

Well done, 4 points to Susan,


Right, we'll add those to
the final scores,

please come down here and join me!

So, scores?

Yes, well, obviously,
Sam got the 5 points.




And what a leader board we have.

Lucy and Sue both have 18 points.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

And so, we have a tie-break!
Oh! Oh, yes, please.

And in this one, they just had
to tut the loudest.

HE TUTS
They have ten goes at it,

but the tenth tut is the one
that counts on the decibel reader.

So, let's see how they got on.

Getting quite wet.

Ah, here we go.

Tut!

{\an7}LAUGHTER

{\an7}APPLAUSE

The tut task has revealed
our winner, Sue Perkins wins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please go and gather your grown-up
things that are supposed

to be for children!

CHEERING

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that art is
truly subjective.

Some people like
Van Gogh Wan's chickens.

And some people don't.

With paintings, beauty lies in
the eye of the beholder.

As the Mona Lisa herself said...

IMITATES ET: .."Phone home."

LAUGHTER

Goodbye, my friends, and well done
to tonight's champion,

it's Sue Perkins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE