16x05 - Skateboard Division

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

BELL RINGS
Good evening.

Argh!
SLURPS LOUDLY

Argh! Ah!

HE VOCALISES

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ahh!

Huh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, and I come from
a family of wise old owls.

As my grandmother always
used to say,

"If you keep coming round here
and eating my biscuits,

"there'll come a time when
you're not welcome any more."

To which I replied,

"Well, hide the barrel, old woman!

"I'm only flesh and blood,
and bourbons,

"they're kind of my thang!"

It's that kind of insight into
the human condition that makes me

uniquely qualified to
make judgments.

SULTRILY: And judge I shall,
lest I be judged.

LAUGHTER

Weirdest intro yet? Perhaps.

You try writing them every week!

Let's meet our contestants,
they are Julian Clary...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Susan Wokoma!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who makes up
tasks in his jacuzzi

and says he knows when he's
come up with a good one because,

and I quote, his "bald ferret
breaks the surface for air."

LAUGHTER

HIGH-PITCHED: It's little
Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh. Oh, what a rush.

Yeah, well, I'm having a big day.
Oh, are you?

I'm getting into Twitter.
Oh, right.

LAUGHTER

I'm following a singer in America
called Cher. Yeah.

It's incredible what she gets up to.
Really? Yeah.

True or false, Greg, she's got
some new Versace shoes.

Er, true. It is true!

New perfume out called "Cher"?

True. True!

I love Twitter. Great. Yeah.

Let's just wait for total silence,
then I'll start the comedy show.

Right, let's get on with the opening
task. What's the opening task?

Oh, back to business, is it? Boring!

And the category chosen
specifically for episode five is

the best thing that has
five things on it.

The best thing with five things
on it will get 5 points,

and at the end of the episode,
which is episode five,

one of our five contestants will win
five things with five things on them

and get a great, big high five!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow! They loved it.

Sue, what five-thinged thing
have you brought in?

LAUGHTER

My five-thinged thing is Terry
the triceratops.

Here, meet Terry.

AUDIENCE AWWS

This is a replica of something
I made for my little niece.

And then, my dog got hold of Terry
and ate the a*s out of it.

And my niece was so distraught,
I had to rebuild Terry.

And I had to order
a new sound-effect thing.

So, I ordered it, popped it back in,

and then, my niece pulled the cord

and it made this noise.

CAT MEOWS

LAUGHTER

That can happen after bowel surgery.

Erm, my only slight criticism is
this is supposed to be the

best thing with five things on it.

The original had five spiky
things coming off it.

Hmm.
LAUGHTER

Just pause while I write
"spurious" down.

Julian, hello.
I think you're going to like this.

It's what I can only describe as

a miniature nudist beach with
five people on it.

Ah. Isn't it lovely?

Would you like to zoom in?
I really would. OK.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

It's quite detailed. Yeah. It is.

And there's a story to be told
in the form of the man

in the middle in lederhosen.

It says "voyeurism prohibited".

But I don't know whether
he's hiding his voyeurism.

I'd say he's parading it.

No, he's looking out to sea,
averting his eyes.

Oh, I suppose he is.

Well, I'm relieved it's something
to do with genitals, Julian,

and I thank you. Erm, Sam.

I got a Plucka duck.

This is Plucka duck with
five things on him.

LAUGHTER

This is a TV show called
Hey, Hey, It's Saturday.

Called Hey, Hey, It's Saturday.
Yeah. Hosted by Plucka duck?

By Daryl. And so, he would...

LAUGHTER

So, when the time came, they'd say,
"It's not a chicken, it's not a cow,

"it's Plucka duck right now."

And he'd come running out, and he
would just stress everyone out,

and Daryl would calm him down.

And then, you could win a car. OK.

He'd come out like this.

And I thought it was four things,
so I was like, "Oh, Pl-Plucka duck."

He come out like this?
Like this, yeah. OK.

So, that's $5 on there.
Five Australian dollars!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't encourage this madness.
LAUGHTER

I presume I'm not the only one
in the room who thinks that

Sam's making all of this up.
He's definitely not.

Julian was on the show.

I do remember going on
that show, yes.

Not a career highlight.

Thanks, Sam, er, Susan?

So, this is an advent calendar.

And here it is.

Right.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING
It's got five things on it.

It's the least-Christmassy
thing I've ever seen.

We like advent calendars.

So, this is one you can have at
any time of the year. OK.

And inside... Yeah.
..are five lovely things.

Number one is an IOU foot rub

by me personally.

I was told...
SUE: Ooh.

..by an ex that I have
the hands of a midwife.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHING: It is the least sexy thing
that anyone's ever said to anyone.

Number two is a very cute
baby picture of me.

Ah. Er, number three is a tenner.

£10, as opposed to $5. Uh-oh.

LAUGHTER

SAM: Figure in the
conversation rate, please.

$5 in Australia is £2.65 sterling.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Number four is a £100 donation
to a charity of your choice, Greg.

Very clever. And then, er,

number five is a poem about
the most wonderful person. Ah.

DRAMATICALLY: It's you, Greg.

Of course it is, Gandhi's dead.

Susan, this could be a turnaround in
your fortunes, I think. Well done.

Lucy. Yeah. It must be difficult
to follow that.

But I know you can.

It's a Yorkshire melon.

Ready, Greg?
DISAPPOINTEDLY: Oh... yeah.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What you'll need to do is
to talk this up, believe me.

Did you want to see
the other side of it?

If it helps.

OK, here's the other side of
the melon, as they say.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

{\an8}The thing is,
about the Yorkshire puddings,

they're a bowl.

OK.

I like putting
Greek yoghurt in them.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

It's like she doesn't want to win.
LAUGHTER

Greg we have to, er, move on now.
I know we do. Yes.

What's the duck called again?
Plucka!

Yeah, 1 point.

LAUGHTER

No, Greg. You're going to get
a lot of letters.

LAUGHTER

I hope you like anthrax!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I have to judge this based on
whether I'd want to take

these prizes home.

And I don't want to take five
Yorkshire puddings

attached to a melon.
OK, so 2 points to Lucy.

I'm going to give 3 points to Sue.


I want that terrarium,
I want it real bad,

so I'll give 4 points. OK.

But you know, advent calendar is
a work of great art.

Ah. And it takes 5 points on
this occasion. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's task number one,
please, Alex?

Task number two, actually,
never mind.

Here it is anyway, pop!

Hey. Hey, Sam.

You should knock.

Really? Mm-hm. Oh.

Come in.

SAM CHUCKLES
You're in the hutch.

It's lovely, isn't it? Trendy.

Are you trendy? I thought I was
when I was younger.

I'm not, no. Ah, well.

Oh. Nearly dead now. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

"Burst this balloon from
the furthest distance.

"You must not be looking at the
balloon when you burst the balloon.

It's standard practice.
Never look a balloon in the eye.

"When you burst the balloon,
you must not look at it.

"You've got 15 minutes.

"And your time starts...now."

Burst the balloon at a distance?
That's it? Yeah.

And all of these people are clever,
so they'll get really far, I think.

Shall we start with Lucy and Susan?

Here we go.

Going to go to the shed,
is that all right? OK.

Thanks.

Come on baby.

Oh, I'm connecting to it
like it's a baby.

Uh-oh. Yeah, you'll have
to burst that baby. Yeah.

I was hoping that you had, like...
a slingshot.

Thank you. Ooh-h*-h*.

Has he been good? Yes, and no.

So, can you see the balloon?
I can see it now.

Right, you're not allowed to see it.

That hit the bloody balloon,
didn't it?

My aim's not bad. OK.

These are the wrong instruments.
I'll be back in a second. OK.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right.

OK, I'm not looking at it.

AUDIENCE OHHS

The point is to keep that
in position.

Ready?

Ahh! Ah.

You were quite close to it - oh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come on, you b*stard!

APPLAUSE

BREATHES HEAVILY

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure the arrogance
in that swagger away was earned.

No, there was no arrogance,
I have a natural swagger.

It can be confusing sometimes.

I mean, how far away was Susan?
Do you want to tell me before we...?

I can, I mean, I've measured it
in aspirins, cos it was so close.

Yeah. 71 aspirins away.
LAUGHTER

I think that's a lot, man.
You wouldn't have a headache.

It was bad, and there's only one
thing I think that can make you feel

a bit better about your attempt.
I don't think there is, but sh**t.

Yes, there is, it's me
talking to Lucy. OK.

I don't think it'd be possible

for you to get closer
to that balloon.

But what was - what was the task?

To be as far away as you could be
when you popped it.

Well, that's what I did!

You can't get far away from it,
cos you wouldn't be able to pop it.

I'm intrigued. Are you saying
someone was further away?

Well, Susan was, for a start.

And Susan was rubbish.


LAUGHTER

Advert time.

Some say marketing people are
the scum of the earth.

Bottom-feeders who spend their
working days dreaming up legal ways

of conning you out of your money.

And by some people, I mean me!
I say that!

Regret rien, though! Bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome back to
the second part of the show.

Yes, I'm clean, I'm mean,

and I thought Sean was
pronounced "Sheen."

LAUGHTER
Next up, Sam and Julian.

Oh, no.

Is this something that would excite
a heterosexual, do you think?

Apparently so. Hmm.

Do we still have nails?

Strong ones?

I'd like something really hot.

Hot nails. Yeah.

All right, I'm coming out.

Right, you've come out.

Hmm?

So, you're attaching nails to
a golf ball. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like in the old country.

What about that, man?
Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Underarm, or overarm?
That's the only question.

Ooh.

So, you're not looking
at the balloon.

I'm just going to close my eyes. OK.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

My God! How much time?

A minute-and-a-half.
Oh, I'm going to throw.

LAUGHTER

I was hoping to get it up near
the end of the house. Yeah.

No, it's just there in the end.

Hopefully it'll land on the ball.

Er...

f*ck, that sucked.

APPLAUSE

I think this might come across quite
judgmental of me, Julian. Mm-hm.

But when I heard that your plan,
such as it was,

was to throw the balloon,
my gut instinct told me,

"This man is not a natural thrower."
LAUGHTER

I mean, to be honest,
it was very, very cold that day,

and I wanted to get it over with.

When I saw you throw it, I thought,

"No-one could throw a balloon a
shorter distance than that."

LAUGHTER

You put all that power into it,
and you threw it largely up.

But then, I ran.
And everyone saw it.

The running away helped, though.
It really did. Oh, it did?

By the time it landed,
he was 564 aspirins away.

Er, Julian, 292 aspirins. Wow!

OK, there's one person left to see.

Just a minute, it's Sue Perkins!

So, what I'm going to try and do
is truss it up like a haggis,

and then, pull it off.

I wasn't expecting a
haggis reference.

No, but it's very haggae-like.

I'll pop that round there.

Would you - can I just give
that to you one second?

Only a few minutes left, Sue.

Well, I mean...it's win-win.

I mean, either it works or,
you know...

Or you lose.

Right, is it looking taut
from your end?

It's very taut, Sue.

Very taut? Oh, yeah.

I'm trying to work out
what level yank I go for.

That's up to you.

I think mid-yank.

Good luck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did it work?

You can come and have a look.

It worked. It teetered,
it wobbled, and then, it burst.

If I do nothing else in this life,
that was worth it.

LAUGHTER
Back to base.

It really was joyous.
You must be thrilled.

I was so elated.
I was buzzing after that.

We could see, because you ran
like a five-year-old

to see that balloon.

So many aspirins, I bet you'll have
to shift your system, won't you?

Er, I don't have to, no, but it is
a lot, it's 2,459 aspirins.

Imagine that. A lot of aspirins.

Yeah, you're not allowed
to buy that much in one go. No.

Incredible. Points-wise,
it's 1 to you, Lucy, 2 to Susan,




CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Should I have a little look
at the scoreboard?

Unfortunately, Lucy, you're still
rock-bottom with 3 points. Oh.

At the top, it is
Sue Perkins with 8 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very good.

Very good. I'd like another task,
please. Well, in that case,

here is a fun task based on
organised groups of criminals.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Come in.

Hiya.

Wow.

What is this?

It's actually making me feel
a bit itchy.

Aren't they sweet?
Took me a while, that.

You know how to enjoy yourself,
don't you?

LAUGHTER

Any sign of any, er,
secret tasks around the house?

Oh, well, I couldn't tell you,
I mean, you know that, right?

I just heard a rumour that
sometimes Greg hides secret tasks

around the house.
Yeah, there is that rumour.

Yeah, well, I've got a lot of
little googlies to look at,

so I don't have time for...

HE WHISPERS: ..secret...

tasks.

JULIAN: "Make the most cool,
but scary g*ng using these eyes.

"You have 15 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

So, once I've got my g*ng,
what do we, like, how do we,

do we like, do we have to get
someone or something?

Maybe you'll be
the person who we get.

{\an8}So, you can use the big ones,
the small ones.

Yes, I've gathered that. Yeah.

Thanks very much.

So, every scary g*ng needs...
a tall one.

I think I can make myself cool.

Uh-huh. What sort of cool things
do you want?

Erm, do you have a skateboard?

I think we do. A big reefer?

I don't think we have that.

APPLAUSE

Sam, when you said
"Do we have to get someone?" Yeah.

I believe it was
a genuine question.

Well, just in my g*ng,
that's what we'd often do.

LAUGHTER

You don't want to find out
more about his g*ng?

What g*ng were you in?
Hell's Angels.

Did you have a hog?
Er, skateboard division.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

The first g*ng-makers we're going
to see are Julian and Sue.

SUE: Right, every...

Don't mind me.

Ah. Every g*ng needs
a leader, right?

It's going to be a g*ng of teapots,

which has a sort of...
g*y undercurrent,

do you know what I'm saying?

Oh, dear, I might need to
nail-g*n that on.

I used to be called
a teapot at school.

Don't know if you know
I'm a h*m*.

Oh, congratulations.

Once you start looking...
this is a mob, not a g*ng, isn't it?

Get a loving embrace on that.

There, just...

Flamingo, brains of the operation.

Don't do very much,
and certainly no good in a chase.

This one has massive eye-bollock.

It's just massive.

LAUGHTER
Listen, listen to the noise of that.

RAPID CLICKING

It's not helpful.

That's funny.

APPLAUSE

Right, why is a flamingo
no good in a chase?

They often, er, one-legged when
they stand, when they're at rest,

they're on one leg, so they don't
have the best start in a chase.

The cool thing about the g*ng
that I created...

Here we go, this'll be interesting.

..is that wherever you are,
there's somebody on, watching you.

So, if you're low-down, the beaver's
eye-bollock will see you. Yeah.

To the side, old one-legged flamingo
got you in his scope. OK.

What do you think of Sue's g*ng?
One word. Oh.

I nearly said it was...
a sw-swear word.

Do you think it's that bad?

I think it's poor.

LAUGHTER

I've just realised how
out of sync I am with reality.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

So, if you look at that, and then,
we'll compare it to Julian's,

who just used teapots.

LAUGHTER

It's cool, but scary. Come on.

I've got a beaver with
an eye-bollock!

LAUGHTER CONTINEUS

Julian, are you pleased
with your g*ng?

Yes, they're cool because they're
an oppressed minority who've found

their voice and their strength.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I do think that your oppressed
minority are really cool.

Are they scary?

Yes, cos there's so
many of them and,

now they've got strength in numbers,

they could pour you to death.

Is that a pun on "pour"?

Yes, it was a pun -
you like a pun, don't you?

Lovely, yeah, I really like them.

I put that in for you,
whoever you are.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Who's next?

OK, next to g*ng up is Lucy.

SWANKY MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING

Well, I'm certainly scared.

Exactly! I was underneath that.

That's true. That was me.

FLATLY: No way.

I guess I'll ask
some basic questions, Lucy,

do you know what a g*ng is?

Yeah. Well, I was in a g*ng,

but they couldn't come out
to play that night.

To play? Yeah.

So, I'm left with
the terrifying g*ng leader.

Oh, I'm not the g*ng leader.

So, who was that character?

Big Billy Big Bollocks.

LAUGHTER
Big Billy Big Bollocks. Yeah.

Now we've got a fight on our hands.
LAUGHTER

Jesus Christ.

OK probably bedtime for the
kids now, isn't it?

Why are they still up?

Oh, you think this
programme's educational?

Pull yourself together!

They're falling behind in school,
and it's your fault!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

You join us for part three
of Taskmaster, where we're in

the intimidating presence of
the googly-eyed gangs.

We're basically a pair
of Ross Kemps.

Next up...
LAUGHTER

..it's Susan Wokoma's g*ng!

CHILDISH MUSIC PLAYS

JOLLY VOICE: Hello, pleased
to meet ya,

I'm Satan!

DUCK SOBS QUIETLY

GRUFF VOICE: Alison!

{\an8}SULTRY ITALIAN VOICE:
Ciao bella, I'm Helmet.

{\an8}ABRASIVE VOICE: I'm Tim,
and I will k*ll you!

SOBBING CONTINUES

Iain!

Finish him!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we're getting somewhere.

I like the g*ng.

Well, she's a classically-trained
actor, as well, and...

I did all the voices.
You used your acting skills.

Yeah, and I did like
the cinematography.

I didn't want to step on toes,
because it's a collaboration,

but I knew what I was doing.

You didn't think at any point
to make it really scary of getting

a skateboard and a saxophone,
and just going...

LAUGHTER

It didn't cross my mind, no, no.

Who's next? OK, well, finally,
it's Sam Gangball.

CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE OOHS
Oi!

Oh. Ah. Lookie here, fellas.

A two-eyed b*stard.

Us two-eyed blokes are
sick of you gangs.

I'm going to alert
the police about you.

Yeah, good luck.

Excuse me, officer,
I'd like to report a g*ng.

Ahh!

That's right. Our g*ng have
infiltrated the police.

And soon, we will infiltrate
the government.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

I mean, the three-eyed boot boys
were genuinely creepy, I thought.

Yeah. Hmm.
That was good, that, Sam.

Genuinely creepy.

Talk me through the genesis
of the g*ng, Sam.

So, basically,
we had so many eyes. Yeah.

I'm thinking,
"Let's definitely incorporate them."

LAUGHTER

Good thinking. Have you seen this,

the Planet of the Apes
sort of thing?

Yeah, that sort of thing, yeah.

Basically, the apes are number one
in that world. Yeah.

And the human is...

In the minority. Yeah. Yeah.

So, that's kind of similar to
what I was up to.

LAUGHTER

Well, I shall start from the bottom,
shouldn't I? OK. Worst g*ng.

Well, you say that, Sue.

LUCY: Oh, God!

LAUGHTER

As an act of entertainment,
I thoroughly enjoyed it,

but it wasn't a g*ng,
wasn't scary - 1 point.

Oh, right. It goes without saying
that Sue Perkins can thank me

for her 2 points.
Right. 2 to Sue.

Julian, 3 points.
Susan, 4 points, but really,

because it genuinely creeped me out,

Sam takes the 5 points.
There we go, well done, Sam.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One more, please!
OK, here we go.

Yes!

Yes. What an entrance.

I know.

Yo. You're very welcome.

Ooh. Ooh.

The weird bloody jelly. Flowers.

Pardon? Unset blood jelly.

Name of my first band.

Didn't go anywhere.

It's red water.

You do know that's, like,
not a thing?

No, that's like a...

Anyway, I mean,
I'm not going to fight you.

Any sign of any secret tasks
anywhere, Julian?

You're being a bit cryptic.

Shall I go for it?
I think you'd better.

Sorry. Sorry.

"Get all the water in the vase."

"If you spill any water from
the plate, you are disqualified.

"You may not leave the lab.

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

You just have to get that in there?

All of it, and if you spill
a single drop, Lucy,

you'll be disqualified. OK.

WHISPERS: But what are
the matches for?

Amazing, Julian, how you can just
say the word "yes" to Alex,

and it feels like you're
insulting him.

He brings it out of me.

Yeah, people say I'm a bully,
but I'm not - it's him, isn't it?

It is him.
LAUGHTER

Let's have a look.
OK, well, first up in the lab,

it's Julian Clary
and Lucy Ann Beaumont.

and fun fact -
Lucy's initials spell out "lab,"

but Julian's don't, so here we go.

Any spillage it's all over.

Yes, I understood the brief,
thank you.

LAUGHTER

There isn't time to reduce that
by heating it up, is there.

Is it a red herring?

Oh.
LAUGHTER

Oh, no, it's stuck. Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh...oh, here we go.

You can't get it up.

Pardon?

Oh, it's coming unstuck.

HE GASPS

AUDIENCE GASPS

LAUGHTER
Right, OK.

{\an8}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Oh. There's a spillage.

What a shame.

Soiled your floor, Alex.

It's seen worse.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

LUCY LAUGHS DESPERATELY

None of it's gone in.

APPLAUSE

Well, I mean, neither of you just
tried to pour it straight into

the vase, so that's encouraging.
Yeah.

Can I say anything else positive?

No.
LAUGHTER

I mainly want to know
how the others did it, you know,

to learn from them.

I will say, it is fastest wins,
so... Yeah. Did I do it?

No!
LAUGHTER

Have you lost your mind?

I'll just say you both quite quick,
but it's irrelevant unfortunately.

Right, we're off to
a crushingly poor start. OK.

Who's next? Next up, it's Susan.

I was thinking I'd drink that
and spit it in there.

Er, the only reason why I'm not
doing that immediately... Mm-hm?

..is because there's an effing
candle. What is that?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd say we have provided
everything you need.

I would argue that you haven't.

Fine.

sh*t.

{\an8}Why has that got...what's that?
What's that bit?

AUDIENCE GASPS

SHE SLURPS

SHE LAUGHS

Mm! Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm-mm!

Mm-mm.

SHE CHOKES

Don't spill any.

How am I going to get
the last bit in?

Is that where the bloody candle
starts growing a f*cking mouth

and starts doing it for me?!

Sorry.

Sorry, I just didn't...
I've had an outburst.

SHE STRAINS

Be careful with the end.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

SHE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE OOHS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Incredible. I've got some questions.

Why did you light a match,
and then, throw it into the water?

It's just one of those things
where if there's something there

and you've got no clue how
to use it, just have an experiment,

if it fails, that's all right.

And then, yeah, and then,
I discovered the straw,

which made so much more sense.
It did make sense. Yes.

And it was fairly effective
initially, until you made

yourself laugh. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

That was your downfall, hubris.
Yes.

We were in that lab for
a long time. We was.

You were sucking the rose
for 14 minutes. All right, mate.

You absolute monster.

Susan failed, correct?

Yeah, there were drips, you couldn't
do that. There were drips.

Right, three total failures,
then into break.

LAUGHTER

In the final part of the show,
one lucky winner will head home

with five tiny nudists.

We're a modern show, guys,
get over it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back.

And, would you believe it,
it's the final part of the show.

It certainly is.
And you, sir, are my dream partner.

The current task sees them
trying to fill a vase

full of water from a plate.

We're down to the final two
to try and fill,

but not spill - it's Sam and Sue.

Initial thoughts.

Could I drink this,
and then, stand on that?

I don't think it's what we've
asked you to do.

Hey, we seem to have some
sort of straw.

I don't understand why
this is part of it. I know.

Oh, is paper? Has it got
invisible ink on it?

OK, can I light this up?

SHE STRAINS
Ah. Right.

What's this little badger?

{\an8}I see something. Ooh.

{\an8}It says, "Candle, candle."

Well, this is going to
take seven days.

Ah! I'm just going to start doing
stuff with the water and the thing,

I can't really be bothered
with that.

Rah-lah - OK, let's keep going.

What could these be for?

Right, OK, there's a diagram here.

There's a diagram of a vase
and a plate.

Can you show it to me?

"Candle o...candle on..."

Oh, it's something over candle.

Can I put the plate on the vase?

Oh, there is like a weird trap door.

Oh. Ah.

LAUGHTER

Is that good?

SHE STRAINS

Well, but nothing happened!

{\an8}Now you've made me look like
a proper fool.

SHE SIGHS

That's useless -
that's worse than useless!

Unless it goes like that.

LAUGHTER

"Candle on plate, vase on candle."

There's something yellow.

Oh, "Light the candle."

Really?

{\an8}And then, put that on there.

How's that going to make
the water go up?

{\an8}What?!

SHE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

How does that work?!
APPLAUSE

Whoa! Wow!

It actually w...

How the hell does that ha...?

Wh-What have I created?!

{\an8}Awesome.

{\an8}Bye-bye.

Is there anything about me not being
able to lick around the corners?

You can lick around the corners.

Urgh.

SLURPS LOUDLY

Ahh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know you've got good studio
audience when they start cheering

a rudimentary science experiment.

Really, all I ever want to discuss
ever again is Sue's decision

to lick around the corners.

Circles don't have corners.

No that's true. Yeah, but, yeah.
But round the parameter.

I hate myself, I hate myself. Yeah.

No, you're right to be...

You're right to hate yourself.
LAUGHTER

But incredibly, incredibly thorough.

Sam, your instinct was
to ask whether you could drink

the liquid and stand on the vase.

Yeah, I think that...

I kind of wish I'd gone
with that approach.

Anyway, I did it right and I got
the points, so let's move on.

No, no, nothing...
No need for chatting.

Nothing else went down.
Sam's very keen that we move on.

Yeah, that was a hell of a task,
man, that was fantastic.

Why are you being like this?
No reason.

We can watch him again, if you want?

ALL: Ohh.
Let's have a look, then.

I've got some on the table!

I think that's disqualified.

So you're disqualifying yourself.

HE SIGHS

{\an8}If I put it like this...
Remember.

{\an7}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Well, I'm going to hope that
wasn't seen, OK.

Can I keep going, just
to look at what it said?

Do whatever you want.

{\an8}Like that? And that'll do something?

{\an8}How would that do the...

{\an8}Oh.

Ah!

They both bravely carried on,
but we did spot the spillages.

Did anyone manage this task? No.

If, in the Olympics, there was
a sport and they were like,

"Yeah, no-one can do it,"

don't have it in the Olympics.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, no points.

THEY LAUGH

Can we have a look at the scores?

I can tell you the
series scores at this point.

It's quite spicy,
we have Susan on 61,

Lucy on 62, little jump up
to Sue on 70,

another jump up to Julian on 81,

and Sam on 84 at this point.

CHEERING

However, despite losing in
the series at the moment,

she's winning this episode,
Susan's in the lead with 11 points!

Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, please, can you all
make your way to the stage for

the final task of the show!

Hello, my love.

Watcha, mate.

Who will be reading
the task out, Alex?

Sam Campbell will be reading
the task out. Ah, Samuel.

"Sip your drink.

"You may only touch the loo roll,

"and you may not reach over
the line. Fastest wins."

So, you have one loo roll each.
There's a red line here.

I'm keeping an eye on that.
No part of you may cross that line.

OK. We'll have three rounds of this.

All of you will do all three rounds,

and we'll work out who's the best
at sipping the drink quickest.

You may now approach your loo rolls,

and it's up to you if you're going
to squat, kneel, sit, or stand.

OK, good luck, everyone,
on the whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS

{\an8}LUCY: I've got different
toilet paper.

{\an7}SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

{\an8}You-You're rolling it
the wrong way.

{\an8}Uh-oh.

{\an8}Oh, we've lost Sue!

{\an8}We've lost Sue!

{\an8}Julian's looking good.

{\an8}Go on, Julian.

{\an8}Oh, Julian lovely.

CHEERING

Oh, that's it! That's it, that's it.

Round 1 was won by Julian,
and Lucy came in second place,

the others failed
to complete the task.

{\an8}Lovely. Round 1 over.

Reset the drinks board!

We have reset.

LAUGHTER

Yes, we have, Greg.

Competitors, please
take your positions.

Got a slightly bigger drink
this time -

and there's Lucy standing up.
LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

And they're off.

Oh, a steady start,
a very steady start.

{\an8}Ah, yeah they've got
their favourites.

{\an8}Oh! Lovely, Lucy.

CHEERING

THEY SCREAM
LAUGHTER

CHEERING CONTINUES

LUCY: Thank you.

I'm so sorry, Greg,
we've analysed the footage. Yes.

Unfortunately, Lucy's fingertips
did cross the line,

and we said no part of your body.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry I did that.
I just got really angry.

SAM: It was good.
Sorry.

So, Sam won that one,
and Julian came second.

Again, the Sues failed
to do the task.

SUSAN: All right!

{\an8}It's the final round,
it's non-alcoholic champagne round.

Again, it's just a sip to win.

Is it sham-pagne?
It is sham-champagne.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You may take your positions,
contestants.

LUCY: So nervous.

Good luck, on the whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS
And they're off.

{\an8}This is the one to win!

{\an8}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
We've lost Susan!

LUCY: f*ck's sake!

CHEERING

AUDIENCE OOHS

SAM: You can do something there.

You've just gotta not
cross that line.

SUE: Lasso. Lasso it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Someone else does it?

{\an8}Someone else who's already
been disqualified...!

{\an7}AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

JULIAN: Sabotage.

SUSAN: Ohh! So close!

Well done, Julian.

That might be one of
the most heroic acts...

{\an7}LAUGHTER
..that have lost a person points.

Please come and join me!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What? Oh, God.
LAUGHTER

"Oh, that."

Poignant and emotional at the end
there, cos Sue completed the task,

but then, put her hand
over to help Julian

before the task was over, so...

She's out. Yeah.
ALL: Ohh!

I know, she threw herself in front
of a b*llet for a friend.

That's the LGBT community for you.
Yeah.

CHEERING

It meant Julian gets 5 points.

Yes. Sam 4, Lucy 3,
and joint fourth-place,

the Sues get 2 points each.

And so, we've got 12, 13, 14, 15 -

and the man with 15 points,
at the top of the leader board,

it's Julian!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Julian Clary wins!

Please go and fetch your five
things that each of which

have five things on them!

CHEERING

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that a new
Olympics sport has been born,

and won't it be exciting at
Paris '24 when we see our very own

Sue Perkins awarded the gold medal
for being the best in the world

at licking around the corners
of a circle.

And at the halfway point,
the champion of the night

is Julian Clary!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE