16x06 - Brother Alex

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

BELL RINGS
Good evening.

Argh!
SLURPS LOUDLY

Argh! Ah!

HE VOCALISES

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ahh!

Huh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome!

I'm Greg Davies,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

We are the Olympic level testers
of professional jesters.

We're the World Cup
for those who do stand-up.

We're the summit of Everest
for folks whose mouths never rest.

We're the final of Wimbledons...

STRUGGLING TO RHYME: ..for the
trying-to-be-funny-ones.

LAUGHTER

We're the Henley regatta for
those making "laughta".

The US Open golf tournament
for people working in merriment.

We're the World
Championships of sumo

for individuals committed to
making you go "h*-h*".

LAUGHTER

You take my point.

Please welcome Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man whose hair
has gone so grey during the time

we've been making this show that
his wife told me - in confidence -

that she no longer desires him

and, in fact, wonders if
she ever really did.

LAUGHTER
It's... Wow.

HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, chat time.

Er, I'm not going to have
a chat tonight, actually.

OK. I just - I have prepared
something, but I've, er,

it's on a QR code,
so just scan that.

LAUGHTER

Is that a real QR code? Yeah.

It does lead to something?
Something really good.

What's the prize task category for
today's episode please, Alex?

Well, listen up, guys,
and listen up good,

because it's the greatest
thing that makes quite

a loud noise when you shake it.

There are five points for
the greatest thing that makes quite

a loud noise when shaken, and
the winner of the episode will win

the lot, which will be the first
time in television history

that these very specific prizes
have ever been won, Greg.

Hello, Susan.

What is the thing that you've
brought in that makes quite

a loud noise when you shake it?

It is a water bed!

LAUGHTER

When I was a child, me and
my siblings would bring all

our mattresses into the front room,

and we'd all, like,
have a little sleepover.

For Christmas one year,
my mum got a water bed, and then,

we started playing with it,

and it made a really shaky sound.

Sorry, I got distracted
cos I thought I could hear

a bird in the studio.

IMITATES BIRD: "One point."

Do you want to hear the quite loud
noise when you shake it?

Yeah, this might save it.
Yeah! Yeah.

WATER SLOSHING RHYTHMICALLY

All right, Susan, thanks.

Thanks for opening the batting.
LAUGHTER

Sue? The magnificent thing that
I've brought that makes quite

a loud noise when you shake it is my
great great great-aunt Margaret's

glass swan collection.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

These actually have a history,

in that she was a survivor
of the Titanic,

and those swans were also saved in
a lifeboat that she got into,

and they were passed down
the generations.

And it does make quite
a loud noise when you shake it.

OK, here go the swans.

BROKEN GLASS SHAKES

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

That's what someone's going to win.

She didn't really survive
the Titanic, did she?

I mean, she was -
towards the end of her life,

she was a fantasist,
so we don't know. It's... OK.

LAUGHTER

Lucy.

Do you know what a cream horn is?

Hmm.
LAUGHTER

Here's Lucy's cream horn.

Oh, you've got cream
attached to it.

Yeah, when you shake the cream,
the noise comes out the horn.

HORN BLARES

My God, this is a new low.

Can I just have some points, please?
Yeah.

And I'll tell you now,
you're doing the best so far.

And that's incredible,
bearing in mind you stuck

an air horn onto a can of cream.

LAUGHTER

Sam. I've got a bucket...

..li-lined with sandpaper... OK.

..full to the brim of matches

and fire alarms.

LAUGHTER

I mean, that is full to the brim.

This is going to be a hell
of a noise, right? Here we go.

SANDPAPER RUBBING RHYTHMICALLY

FLAMES ERUPT

FIRE ALARMS BLARES

ALARMS STOP

LAUGHTER

"The worst round...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

"..in Taskmaster history."

Hey, listen my grandad gave me this,
and he was in the Hindenburg!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Julian, it's all for the taking.

Ah, yes.

Ahem, this is a drawer
full of cutlery.

HE SIGHS DISAPPOINTEDLY

Looks like someone's
back in the game.

I mean, just generally from my home,
and, er, the cutlery is from

the Isle of Wight ferry.

OK, here's the drawer full of
cutlery from the Isle of Wight...

From the Isle of Wight ferry.
Yeah. There we go.

CUTLERY SHAKES RHYTHMICALLY

It's the worst ever...

It's the worst round in 16 series.

LAUGHTER
It's incredible.

So, who's getting
the solitary point, Greg?

Well, Susan, of course she is.

Next up... Yeah.

..I don't care if they were
from the Isle of Wight.



At least something got destroyed
with Sue's. 3 points.

I'm going to give Lucy 4 points
for her cream horn. Lovely.

And Sam Campbell takes home
the big 5. Really?!

Well done, Sam Campbell!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, what have you got for me. Alex?

Mm-hm, well, now on Channel 4,
it's Robot Wars.

ELECTRONIC DOG BARKING

ELECTRONIC BARKING CONTINUES

This is the most impressed
I've been.

BARKING CONTINUES

I've got knee pads on.

Thank the lord. Promising. Yeah.

It's fallen over, that dog.
Yeah, if you want to right the dog,

that'd be great, thank you.

There you go. Thank you, Sue.

What even is that?
That's a weasel.

Busy little sh*t, isn't it?

Whoa!

Is this part of it?

Don't worry about the dog.
He's happy.

LAUGHTER

"Avoid the rubbish robots.

"You may not remove your blindfold
at any point.

"And at least one of your knees must
be touching the floor throughout.

"Longest time untouched by
a rubbish robot wins.

"Your time s...

"Your...time starts when the
rubbish robots start."

These are the rubbish robots.

The rest are just animals.

Oh, so they're not my enemies?

No, they're your friends.

Are you going to ask me to
kneel down in a masterful voice?

Kneel, Julian.

Right, is that your
starting position? It is.

Times I've been asked that.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Well...quite formal to be asked.

"Is that your starting position?
Then I'll begin."

Sam hated everything about
this task, correct?

Yeah, I, er, yeah,
I've loved some of the others,

but this one I thought was a dud.

LAUGHTER

How do you feel?

Well, I think we're all looking
forward to watching it now.

First one, he came with hope -
will he leave with glory?

It's Julian Clary.

All right, Julian here we go.

Ah - oh, it just hit your back foot.

That's the end of the task.

Is that it? Is it over now?
It's over.

Oh, well, I... Did you enjoy it?

It didn't last long, did it?
That sometimes happens.

Thanks, Julian.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sam was quite right.
It's not one of your best.

LAUGHTER

That was, for me,
two-and-a-half seconds of gold.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Who's next?
OK, will they be jammy dodgers?

It's Lucy and Susan to the rescue.

I'm quite close to them here.

Right.

Right.

That's where you're going
to go, is it?

OK.

OK, well, your time starts
when the robots start.

Here we go. All right.

I don't know what's going on!

LAUGHING: I don't like it.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

SHE SCREECHES

Can I feel?
You want to avoid the robots.

Ahh!

AUDIENCE OOHS

I trained at RADA.

SHE SCREECHES

Ah!

Wahh!

Ah!

Ah!

This is the future, this is what
it'll be like, isn't it?

Everyone trying
to hide from robots.

The whole point of, like,
blindfold play is that you keep...

Ooh. What?!

You've just been struck
by a rubbish robot. Have I?

I didn't - no, they didn't
strike me, look!

I saw it hit you.

It didn't hit me!

Look, that's nowhere near me, mate.

It struck your left... It didn't!

Do they know I'm here?

Oh, yeah.

Ah.
Did you just get grazed on your...?

Oh, yeah, and again. I think,
yeah, I think that one...

Yeah, I'm going to stop
the clock there.

Does that mean it's over now?
Are you saying it didn't -

well, carry on if you say
it didn't hit you.

I don't think it hit me.
I didn't feel it.

Who's controlling the rubbish robot?

God.
SUSAN LAUGHS

Now. Now it hit me, I felt that.

OK, well, I've stopped
the clock, then.

Shall I go now?
Yeah, and watch out for the robots.

Oh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you think this is what
the future's going to be like?

Yeah. That is sort of like what
my day-to-day life is like.

LAUGHTER
That's my favourite task.

To be fair, there were some
genuine moments of jeopardy there.

Her tactic was, "I'm using my ears,"
which is quite clever -

she was listening for where
the robots were,

which is quite - it worked.

She avoided the robots
for three minutes and 42 seconds.

God, that's good. Is that good?
That's really good.

APPLAUSE

Susan had an interesting
technique to avoid the robots,

and that was go into
complete denial.

Complete denial that the robots
had got anywhere near her.

I thought that was something furry,
so I was like,

"That wasn't the robot."
Yeah, I know, but the weird thing is

there was someone who was
looking who confirmed that

the robot did strike you.

No, by that point,
I don't trust that guy.

You were too deep in character,
right, as some nutter.

Well, the first robot may or may not
have struck her at one minute, 56.

And then, we finally stopped it
at three minutes, 03.

Are we taking the first one
as a strike? Obviously.

The one that did hit.
LAUGHTER

Maybe there was more jeopardy
than you thought there, Sam.

OK, if you are having a nice time,

please stop having a nice time!

Because I present to you
some adverts!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome back to the
second part of Taskmaster.

Yes, it's great to have you back,

but I'm afraid there are still
some rubbish robots

causing absolute mayhem.

We're down to the last two -
it's Sam and Sue.

So, can I touch the robot
with something else?

All the information's on the task.
Please put on your blindfold.

Come on, my lit...

Ooh, they're absolutely
creepy AF to touch.

Can you see anything? No.

Can you see anything, Sue? Nope.

Oh, OK. Oh. Right.

OK, good luck, your time starts
when the robots start.

Back off!

Am I still on the mat? Yeah.

AUDIENCE OOHS
Ooh, did you get struck by

a rubbish robot? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go away!

Ooh!

AUDIENCE OOHS
Horrid! Ah.

I'm afraid one of
the rubbish robots just caught

your left and right foot.

That's finished.

That's nice that you let your
nephew come up with tasks

once every while.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER

It makes me appreciate
the really good ones.

APPLAUSE

You've really got it in
for this task.

As soon as saw shots from the
rubbish robots' perspectives - wow!

LAUGHTER
I mean, there should be a spin-off!

We're talking merchandise,
calendars!

Sue, your ferret-swiping
technique was... Ahh.

..pretty sweet.

I just needed
to grab them by the tail

and let them work for a living.
Yeah.

They both did good tactics
by starting behind the robots,

instead of immediately
in front of them.

But their times - it's such
an exciting task, this one.

Erm...
LAUGHTER

..Sam avoided them for one minute
and four seconds.

Sue, one minute and seven seconds.

Wow! Wow!
So, the final scores.

Susan actually came second
with her one minute, 56,

er, gets 4 points.

Sue, 3 points for one minute, 07.

Sam, 2 points, one minute, 04.

Julian, 1 point for
two-and-a-half seconds.

Lucy, three minutes and 42 seconds.
God, that's good.

So, it's a full 5 points
to Lucy Beaumont. Yes!

Yes, Lucy Beaumont!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, I'd love to see
a score board, please, Alex.

Well, she's actually in first place,

Lucy's got 9 points in the lead!

LOUD CHEERING

And what is next, pray tell?

OK, next, we have a team task
in two places at once.

Oh.

What do you suppose?

Pull it, do you think?

Oh, it's under - it's in here.

Oh, cool. Is it a guinea pig?

SUSAN: "Recreate your
team mate's garage scene."

"You have 15 minutes.

"Your time stars when your
team mate calls.

Can I touch this?

Oh, sh*t. Oh, Christ.

LUCY OVER RADIO: Zero Oscar,
are you receiving? Over.

Hello, are you receiving me? Roger.

SUSAN: Sue, you all right?

SUE OVER RADIO: I'm all right,
sweets, listen, you'll have to do

some things for me,
if that's all right. Always.

LUCY: "Instruct your team mates
to create your garage scene."

SUE: "You may not say any of
the words on any of the labels.

"You may not leave your location.

"The most accurate recreation wins.

"You had 15 minutes.
Your time has already started."

JULIAN SNEEZES

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Also, Lucy, you've got
an extra instruction there.

You can read it, as long as
you don't press the button

on the walkie talkie.

"Also, you must try on all
the outfits in the basket

"one at a time, and not mention
anything about it

"to your team mates."

Yeah, just to make life
a bit more fun.

I'll just get 'em out my box
one at a time. Sure.

JULIAN OVER RADIO:
Awaiting instructions.

Do you think she's gone home?

She's done.
THEY CHUCKLE

APPLAUSE

Gut instinct tells me everyone's
going to be terrible at this.

We'll have to find out,
we'll see all of them at it

all at once in a montage.

LUCY OVER RADIO:
OK, roger, let's start.

The thing that goes on the floor
that keeps your feet warm,

can you put down first? Over.

It's a rug or a carpet,
or something.

Oh, I thought it was socks.

SUE: In the centre of the room,
I would like you to place

a floor covering.

If, in the middle of that,
you could also position

a piece of furniture used
for sitting in.

Right, if you're looking
at your rug,

can you put them on the
right-hand side?

Erm, at the front? Over.

Lucy, those are the words
that you're not allowed to say.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

LAUGHTER
Oh, Lucy! Sorry. Please.

SUE: Take a column of some
description and put,

on the top of the column,
some statue-ary.

SUSAN OVER RADIO: OK, over and out!

JULIAN: Is there anything else?
Yeah, there's loads of things.

Something that you have in your
house that's green,

and that you have to water.

Something that looks like
someone I once went out with.

Can you remember which hand
I write with? Oh, left hand!

That might be where you want
to put the plinth.

So, that was there.

The thing that they have in shops.

OVER RADIO: Er, th-the thing...

SHE COUGHS

Are you OK? Is there smoke?
Is there gas in the shed?

And you know wh-what hand you
write with, so that side.

Erm, I'd like another plinth.

And what I would like on that

is something that goes quack.

Is that making sense?

Erm, you know those two things
that they have in zoos?

They're very brightly-coloured?
Flamingos.

SUSAN: Will that do? Yeah.
So many ducks!

JULIAN: Tell us where to put
the things that we've got, then.

OK, brilliant. Right.

OK. So, you...

SILENCE

Toward... So...so, to looking...

SILENCE

And I'm facing the back wall
of the garage.

JULIAN OVER RADIO:
Waiting for you to respond.

Roger.

LUCY OVER RADIO: Right.

SUE: A rubbish receptacle
with the face of

a red-nosed entertainer.

I can just think of
Father Christmas,

but I don't think he's
a red-nosed entertainer.

He's just a red-nosed man.

SAM: Chuck that.

Where was the mannequin?

SUE OVER RADIO: I'm going to
through all the positions.

In front of you, plinth.

On the other, plinth.

Argh! Column!

Column, column!

Don't panic.

LUCY OVER RADIO:
The middle along the back,

but the thing at the circus
that kids are afraid of.

Opposite ends to the thing
that goes in the bath,

you put the things that they have
on churches that's evil.

Crucifix. That's evil?

Or gargoyles.

Oh, we'll get this owl, I reckon.



SUSAN OVER RADIO:
How long have we got?

WHISTLE BLOWS
t*ts!

You've got ten seconds.

We've got ten minutes, Julian.
No. Ten seconds.

Ten minutes?
Ten seconds! Roger, over.

Right, our task is complete,
I think you'll be very pleased.

LUCY SQUEALS DELIGHTEDLY

WHISTLE BLOWS
Over!

Sorry about your cough.

You want to suck
a fisherman's friend.

LAUGHING: Oh, Julian.

APPLAUSE

Lucy, I sometimes think
that you're doing some

of these tasks deliberately badly.

For a large section of it,
you didn't even press

the walkie talkie so
that people could hear you.

But you did press the walkie talkie
when you had a coughing fit.

Sam, I don't know how
the hell you got to flamingos,

given the description you
were given, which was

"those two brightly-coloured
things they have in zoos."

And you went, "Flamingos!"

LAUGHTER

That is, yeah, the mind is so,
like, fascinating.

Isn't it?
LAUGHTER

OK, thank you.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I do think that, when Sue goes into
action mode, she sounds like

a Second World w*r fighter pilot.

It's Biggles. It's pure Biggles.
Er, yes, it's so in control -

except there was one moment
that I just loved where panic set in

and caused Susan to go,
"Don't panic."

It's funny, when I'm making
notes watching these,

sometimes I forget why I've written
them, and I've written down,

"Can I have a clip
of Susan shouting 't*ts'?"

How long have we got?

WHISTLE BLOWS

t*ts!

LAUGHTER

It was definitely worth
hearing again.

GREG LAUGHS HEARTILY

So, how many words did
they get wrong?

Yes, the team of two,
nine words wrong.

The team of three, 27.

Why? Why? No!

Yes, you said "left" once,
"front" four times,

"back" three times, "duck" once,
"right" twice. No! That's the-the...

"Right" again eight more times.

"Back" five times,
"middle" once, "rug" twice.

They weren't on the board!
They were all on the board.

LAUGHTER

Those "left" and "right" - they were
instructions I was giving them.

Yes, exactly.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

This is the list of things you
weren't allowed to say, Lucy.

LAUGHTER

Look at it.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I looked at it.

So, just bear that in mind, Greg.
I'm bearing it in mind. Good.

Er, so we'll see what they did,
the real garage in the middle.

SUSAN LAUGHS

So, you can see the mannequin
represented in the bottom left.

They're all right.
They both did the pineapple.

I think they genuinely did
pretty well. They're pretty good.

I've got it as, the team of two,
six things pretty much right,

the team of three getting
seven things pretty much right.

But they did keep saying all the
words they weren't supposed to say.

So, if I penalise Lucy for
saying all of those words,

if I took a point off them,
it would make that this was a tie.

So, let's say 3 points each.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Break time! Quick!
Hop on to Twitter and tell your

followers that you're watching
something on television.

Feels like a good use of life,
right? Wrong!

Do something else! Live!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE
Ohh, yeah!

Hello again!
It's part three of Taskmaster.

And there's a bozo next to me
who's just desperate

to say something trite
before introducing the next task.

Cripes. Er, now on to the next task,

which really is head and shoulders
above the rest.

Susan. Hi.

Ah, there you are.

Radiating your usual charisma.

LAUGHTER

SATISFIED SIGH

"Present a piece called
Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

Knees and toes.

Hmm?

"Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

Knees and toes.

What'd I say? No, you said it.

"Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."
Knees and toes.

"..Knees and Toes."
Knees and toes.

"..Knees and Toes."
Knees and toes.

"Most powerful pieces wins."

SHE GIGGLES
"You have 20 minutes.

"Time starts now."

You could do a very powerful piece.
Well, that's what we're hoping.

Or someone could. Probably not me.

But don't, er, no. I could.

Don't tell yourself that.

When I was in Vietnam,
I had to do, er, an English class.

The only thing I could think of was
to teach them like a nursery rhyme.

"Heads and shoulders,
knees and toes." Knees and toes.

But what I didn't realise is
there was two kids at the back and,

every time they bent down to do
knees and toes... Knees and toes.

..when they got up again
to do heads,

they slammed their heads
really hard on the desk.

So, part of me wants to do
a powerful piece around

how nursery rhymes can go
very badly wrong.

Erm, I would like A4 sheet of
paper, A5 sheet of paper.

Do you know which one A5 is?

It's bigger than A4, isn't it?

No.

I think that we
can incorporate some drama.

I went to drama school, so we should
make use of that money that I spent.

She doesn't have any shoulders.

No. She's got a head, though.

Is there going to be a script?
We'll play it fast and loose.

Mike Leigh-style.

So, I just need a knee and
a shoulder, and some toes. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, some great inspirational
material that's going

to lead to these performances.

Three years in RADA? Whole three.

How much did RADA cost you
for three years?




to see, yeah? Yeah.

Just you wait. Can't wait.
LAUGHTER

Lovely that you've got
the experience,

and you'll put on the best show. No.

Lovely that Sue's show
will be based on having hurt

some children in Vietnam.

Yeah, admittedly unwittingly
but, yeah, it's cultural

that you don't confront your senior,
so they just kept doing it

and hurting themselves, because
it would've been too rude to say,

"I'm walloping my head really badly

"with your weird
English nursery rhyme."

So, the first piece we're going to
see is presented by Sam Campbell.

MOODY SAXOPHONE WAILS

Inspector.

WHISPERS: A ghastly business.

I can't believe it.

Some kind of insane maniac...

..has k*lled my parents.

They've decapitated them!

And hacked them apart!

They've chopped off their heads...

..their shoulders,
their knees and toes!

Knees and toes.
LAUGHTER

The security here is re-really good
but somehow, they've...

Some maniac, some fruitcake has
come in, and my beloved parents!

They've chopped off their heads...

..their shoulders,
their knees and toes!

Knees and toes.

Will you cut that out?

Can't you see that I'm in
the throes of despair?

Look, look at what they've done!

They have chopped off their heads,

their shoulders,

their knees and toes!

Knees and toes.

LAUGHTER

Where'd you get that?

Bit late for a banana.

It's midnight.

DRAMATIC MUSIC STING

I didn't think that would be
the punch line.

It's great, cos if you saw someone
eating a banana you at midnight...

Yeah. ..you'd ring the police.
But he IS the police!

LAUGHTER

Off to a strong start.

Right, next up,
two presentations in one.

It's Julian and Susan.

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes.

DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY

DRUMMING CONTINUES

Hello, Julian. Oh, hello.

This is the best paper I could find.

So, it's going to be powerful,
is it? I think so.

I'm quite confident that it will.

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes!

Heads, neigh, shoulders,
knees and toes.

No-one wants yellow, do they,
in an artwork?

Really?
LAUGHTER

There are some nice pictures
with yellow in.

It's a matter of opinion. OK.

Head, shoulders, knees and toes!

ECHOING: Silence!

Neigh-eigh-eigh!

So, do you do comedy?

I-I've tried, yeah.

Sometimes sing in a band, Julian.

Do you? Mmm.

What sort of music?

Sometimes it's jazz.

Jazz brings me out in hives.
I know, me too.

DISTORTED: Heads, shoulders,
knees and toes!

Head...shoulders...
..knees and toes!

..shoulders, knees and...
..knees and toes!

VOICES OVERLAPPING

Heads!

Shoulders!

ECHOING: Knees!

LAUGHTER

Toes!

MENACING CHOIR SINGS

Bleeehhhh!

Ahh, my toes, ehhhh!

DISTORTED: He's cut off my toes!

CHOIR STOPS
Ehhh...

LAUGHTER

Right, I'm thrilled. Me too.

Good luck with your career...

LAUGHTER
..such as it.

APPLAUSE

It was 30 grand, yeah? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

No, come on. It was avant-garde.

It was French cinema.

It was. It was, you know...

It was imagery galore.

Loads! It was a comment on
the death penalty.

Was it? Yeah. And you thought the
most powerful way of representing

that would be with a duck?
LAUGHTER

We're not going literal.

And what is the comment on
the death penalty?

Er, that it's bad.

LAUGHTER

Thank you! OK.

So, Julian,
as far as I can work out,

sat making withering comments toward
you about your lack of talent,

and then, drew something -
but I didn't see what he drew.

So, this is Julian's powerful piece,
Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.

LAUGHTER

Erm, what is it Julian?

I just bothered with
the bits in question -

heads, shoulders,
knees and toes, so...

You bothered with them
in what sense?

In that you labelled them?

Well, I didn't bother with arms,

because they weren't in
the task brief. ..Brief.

No, it wasn't Head, Shoulders,
Knees, Arms, and Toes, right. Yeah.

LUCY: We've all known someone
who looks like that.

Yeah? Who's the person that
you know that looks like that?

Erm, my nana.
LAUGHTER

When she didn't have her teeth in.

And this piece is powerful
because...?

Well, it's...

Is it anti-death penalty?

It's anti- a lot of things.

LAUGHTER

I'm just struggling for
where the power is.

I like it, I like it.

That's the power.

OK, do you want to see a
health and safety presentation?

Oh, at last! Good, well here's one.
Let's go! ..via Sue Perkins.

Nursery rhymes are a dangerous
source of head trauma.

Just ask Jack and Jill,
Humpty Dumpty,

and the old man who went to bed
and bumped his head,

and couldn't get up in the morning.

This, this guy...

That's what happens when you
recklessly attend a nursery rhyme.

But there's another way.

Here at Perkins & Perkins,

we supply ready-prepared
safety equipment

for all eventualities like this guy.

Be less this guy,
and more this guy.

Be better!

Be Perkins & Perkins.

And don't let a rhyme stop you
in your prime.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Full confirmation, er,

as if we needed it,
you were born in the wrong era.

So '50s, isn't it?
Erm, I really liked it.

It sort of belonged in
the cinema when we were kids.

Remember the guy dressed as death?
It was terrifying.

Donald Pleasance going,
"Don't swim here, you'll drown."

Oh, no. And then, just children
falling to their death.

LAUGHTER
Wah! Absolutely traumatising.

It was awful! You kids don't know
how lucky you've got it these days,

with adverts. Oh, buy a train.

LAUGHTER

Right, join us after the break
for today's final chapter

where the winner will stand alone on
the stage celebrating their victory

with some squirty cream and a horn.

And some broken glass!

Woohoo! It's prime time!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hello, again!

It's part four of four,
and we're in the thick of a task

based on heads, shoulders,
knees and toes.

Knees and toes.
We've had a painting,

two theatrical pieces, and
a health and safety demonstration.

Finally, here is something macabre
from Lucy Beaumont.

GREG WHISTLES

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

CHILD-LIKE: Brother Alex,
I am bored.

Can we play a little game?

Head...

..shoulder...

Ooh, there's a lizard!

oh, that's a funny tattoo.

Little tattoos from the 1990s.

GUTTURAL MUNCHING SOUNDS

Oh, hungry lizard!

Yum-num-num-num!

Head, shoulders...

..knees - little poorly!

Need a plaster on that.

Knees and, ah...

..toes!

ALEX SCREAMS

Sorry! Oop!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Clearly an audience favourite.

But the first thing I...

I absolutely loved the aside of
pointing out that Alex has had

a tattoo done in the 1990s!

I was so shocked to see it.

It was genuinely creepy.

Who were you?

I was a lady who used to look
after me when I was a child.

That's a worry.
LAUGHTER

If you were to sum up the whole
story, from start to finish...

Mm-hm.
..as succinctly as you can...

Mm-hm. ..what was the story
that you just presented to us?

Er...

..Harry Potter.

LAUGHTER

It was about...

The duck represented?

Erm, er, the RSPB.

Sometimes you shouldn't
talk to the creators.

Sometimes you should just see it
and judge it on face value,

cos now I think it's sh*t.

Right, let me just say,
first of all,

I enjoyed all of them
more than 1 point.

OK, then.

So, this is a roundabout way of me

giving Julian's picture 2 points.


There was a lot of enjoyment
in both Susan and Sue's,

cos they were powerful pieces,
I'm going to give both of them -

and you're not going to like this -




And I'm going to give
the weird police people...

..and I'm going to ignore everything
Lucy said about her own piece

I'm going to give them


LUCY GASPS
There you go, 5 to Lucy, 5 to Sam!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Well, well, well!

Quick look at the scores?

Yes, well, they're all
on double figures,

except for Julian this time.

At the top of the table,
it's Lucy still with 17!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I can't believe it.

Can you please vacate your seats
and head to the stage

for the final task of the show!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Alex, who's going
to read your task out?

The leader, Lucy Beaumont.

THEY LAUGH

"Pass the pineapples amongst
you for 15 seconds

"whilst the Taskmaster shuts
his eyes and has a little think.

"When the Taskmaster opens his eyes,
he will say if he thinks you are

"holding a pineapple
behind your back or not.

"If he accuses you wrongly,
you get a point.

"Most points after three
rounds wins."

It's a simple game of
hide the pineapple. Yes, it is.

I don't need to close my eyes,
because I have this.

LAUGHTER

Can you pass these down for now?
The time hasn't started yet.

I think all of you are perfectly

capable of hiding
a pineapple from me.

Well, I don't know,
I've only got a small torso.

LAUGHTER

So, close your eyes, Taskmaster.


the pineapple begins now.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

OK...

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK, so Taskmaster,
you may open your eyes.

Julian, have you got
a pineapple behind your back?

No, on my life.

Well, I'll tell you now,
I do think Julian Clary's got

a pineapple behind his back.

Lucy's pretending her knees
are giving way.

I think that that bit
of overacting suggests to me

that she isn't concealing
a pineapple behind her torso.

Talk of overacting,
look at Perkins, for God's sake.

Stick two pineapples on the Sues.

Will people watch this?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
I think I might be wrong.

Take it off Perkins...

SINISTERLY: ..put it on Beaumont.

f*ck you.

LAUGHTER
Poker face, poker face, remember.

OK, well, let's see how
you've done. Julian?

Oh-h*-h*, he's good!
The man is good.

You're talking about yourself?
Yeah!

Lucy, do you have a pineapple?

PINEAPPLE SLAMS
Aha!

Sam, do you have a pineapple?

No. No way has Sue Perkins got
a pineapple behind that back.

Ahh! 1 point to Perkins.
APPLAUSE

Which, of course,
means that Susan Wokoma...



The Sues are in the lead
with a point each.

Round 2!

Taskmaster, please shut your eyes.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Julian says what if, like,
one of us has two?

LAUGHTER

SUSAN: Or do three. I mean...

..do you want all three?

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, please stop passing pineapples.

Is it possible that one of them
might have three pineapples?

Anything's possible.

Julian has got a pineapple.

Lucy Beaumont hasn't got
a pineapple.

Sam has got a pineapple.

I really want to foil RADA
at the end, though.

Sue Perkins hasn't got a pineapple.

RADA, this time, has a pineapple.

HE WHISPERS: I'll get you, RADA.

Susan. 30 grand, baby!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sue Perkins, do you have
a pineapple? I don't.

There's no pineapple.
OK, so Sue remains on 1.

Sam definitely has a pineapple.
I'm not a crook.

Lucy.

PINEAPPLE SLAMS
Ohh!

CHEERING
She gets a point!

However, we've only seen
one pineapple.

Oh, I wonder where the
others could be?

Bam.

APPLAUSE

So, it's the final round of pass
the pineapple. Susan's in the lead.


the pineapple begins...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Damn you, RADA.

Six seconds left.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK.

You may open your eyes.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

EVERYONE LAUGHS

Who you going to start with, Greg?

I think Julian, for the first time,

has no pineapples.

Lucy Beaumont - don't think
she's got a pineapple.

Perkins has a pineapple.

Damn you, RADA.

She's got a bloody
pineapple this time,

and this clown's got a pineapple.
OK.

If this Australian has three
pineapples on him...

LAUGHTER

..I am going to lose
my f*cking mind.

OK, Julian, he didn't think
you've got a pineapple. I do not.

I don't.

Every time, you've seen
through Julian Clary.

Yes. Funny. Yes.

Lucy has got it right once.

You don't think she's got
a pineapple?

She hasn't, I'm sure of it.

And you were right!
I was right. Sue Perkins.

No pineapple. Yeah!

LAUGHTER

HE SIGHS HEAVILY
Would you like to see RADA?

If you've got three pineapples,
Sam...

Let's see RADA now, because I know
this time, I've foiled RADA.

You said she's got a pineapple.
Susan, do you have a pineapple?



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sam, do you want to show
the Taskmaster if you have

a pineapple or not?

He's got a pineapple.

LAUGHTER

Where are the other two pineapples?

They're just over there.
..Over there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well done, you pineapple-hiders.

We'll add that to the final scores.
Please, come and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Julian unfortunately
came last there,

cos he didn't fool you at all.
He gets the 1 point.

Lucy and Sam both get 3 points,
cos they came joint third. Hello.

Sue came second, get 4 points,

but the actor, Susan Wokoma,
gets the full 5 points!

CHEERING

Fair play, RADA.

OK, and that means in terms of
the series, Susan, you are now, er,

still last on 80 points.

Lucy, you have 85,

Sue, you are on 89, Julian, 95,

Sam in the lead -
triple figures now, 106!

CHEERING

And so?
And so, it's been a tight episode.


but the winner, with 20 points...

..it's Lucy Beaumont!

LOUD CHEERING

Lucy Beaumont wins!

Please skip up to the stage
and shake your noisy prizes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Six down, four to go,
see you next time.

But for now, here's tonight's
winner, celebrating on a stage,

it is Lucy Beaumont!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE