16x08 - Never Packed a Boot

[bunniefuu]

SHE SQUAWKS
Ahh!

BELL RINGS
Good evening.

Argh!
SLURPS LOUDLY

Argh! Ah!

HE VOCALISES

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?!

So sorry.

How we laughed.

Ahh!

This program me contains strong
language and adult humour from the start

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Thank you!
Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm the lord of the jungle,
and I'm about to eat.

What will I enjoy today?

A Clary casserole, some Campbell
and Beaumont sausages?

Maybe a Wokoma ribeye,

or an omelette made of
Sue Perkins' hands?

Get the buffet ready,
m-papa's sta-arving!

LAUGHTER

Please welcome to the show
Julian Clary...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Lucy Beaumont...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Sam Campbell...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Sue Perkins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...and Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who
once hospitalised himself

doing high kicks to Toxic
by Britney Spears.

HIGH-PITCHED:
It's a-little Alex Hooorne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Well, look, I've come up with
a brand-new format slash game.

It's called Greg and Alex.

Here we go. I've got these.

So, there'll be some questions.
You hold up whether it's me or you,

what you think the answer's to,

we'll see how similar we
think about things.

Question one,
who is the best at cooking?

Oh, we both think it's you!
Oh-h*.

LAUGHTER

Who is the best at tidying up?

Who has the most trouble
sleeping at night because of all

the difficult thoughts racing
through their head?

LAUGHTER

Who bought the other one a present?

I've got you a present,
cos of your...

...cos of your troubled brain.
So I got you a little, er...

Thank you. ..a little necklace
with two feathers on.

Thanks.
AUDIENCE AWWS

Prize task time!

What's the category this week,
you weirdo?

It's...
DRUM ROLL

...the best single-word object you
own and love that gets the best

reaction when introduced
following a drum roll.

Hmm! Wow. Yes.


object they own and love,

and at the end of the show,
the person with the highest score

will take home all five...

DRUM ROLL

...prizes. Lots more...

LAUGHTER

...of that coming up
right now, Greg.

Hello, Lucy. Oh.

DRUM ROLL

What is it?

A-Alien device.

LAUGHTER

You heard "one-word object.”
It is...

...alien device.
..device.

Here it is.

LAUGHTER

So, that was in my mum’s
ear canal...

...for about two years and 36 months.

Two years...

LAUGHTER

That's enough. That's five years.

It's however you want to say it. OK.

Er, don't want to brag,
but I took her to one of

the best ear doctors in the UK.

He said, "Whatever is in your mum's
ear is not impacted wax,"

and then, basically,
there'd been UFO sightings over,

over where my mum lived, just like,

like, literally like
above the house.

And then, all I'm saying is that...

LAUGHTER

...that fell out of her ear,

and then, the cat licked and it,
the cat disappeared.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Lucy.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Julian.

DRUM ROLL

A jacket.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah.

If I'm going out on an evening
with someone I don't much like,

you can flash that as you leave.

LAUGHTER

Thank you. Sue.

DRUM ROLL

Greg[gs]!

Ooh!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Wow! Wow.

Is that me made out of pastry?

Yes. Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER

Sensational.

Your ears have crumbled a little
bit over time. They have.

The eyes are glue. Erm...

LAUGHTER

...and took a long time, and some
of it's under my fingernails.

Wow. Yeah.

Sue, you've surpassed yourself.

Hi, Susan. Oh, gosh. Hi.

What have you brought in?

DRUM ROLL

Calendar!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Er, I finished doing a film
towards the end of last year.

And you normally have
like a big party.

And some people give you gifts.

And I was presented with this.

To this day, I don't know
what vibe I give off.

LAUGHTER

But I just love that somebody
looked at me at work and went,

"Do you know what she wants?
A calendar of cat ba*ls."

I mean, the one in the middle,
come on.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES
It needs putting down.

Sam, the heat is on.
What have you brought in?

DRUM ROLL

Cobalt!

LAUGHTER

Go on.

Well, I used to live near Tempt,
in Australia.

You're so close to the flight path,
so planes would go over,

and the locals hated it.

They commissioned an artwork,
and it was like a sculpture,

and it was all kids with their ears,

like, hands over their ears,
like, "Ahh!"

And then, they changed how high
the planes were flying.

LAUGHTER

Where'd you get the cobalt?

Online.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

And you think it's good
after a drum roll,

because there's background
story of - it affected a...?

Oh, that story, yeah, I just -
everyone was telling a story, so...

OK. Yeah.

I don't want to give anyone 1 point

because I really enjoyed
those stories. Mm-hm.

I'm going to give Sam 2 points,

and he'd better thank me for it.

I'm going to give "alien device" 3,
because it's insane.

I'm going to give Julian
and Susan 4 points.

Think it's really egotistical of me
to put Greg[gs] as number one?

Well, that's the way it's fallen.

LAUGHTER



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On we go! Are we ever going to find
out about that secret task, Alex?

Maybe, Greg, maybe right now!

AUDIENCE OOHS

Sam, Julian.

Hi. Lucy.

Are you happy with me reading it,
do you want to read it with me?

No, you read it. You sure?
Yeah. All right, OK.

Right.

This is not a team task. What?

What?! We've bonded.

We've shared a bag of Nik Naks.

I'll come over and...
I'm so sorry.

"This is not a team task.
Find the secret task.

"You must never be in
the same room as each other.

"Whenever the air horn sounds,

"you must replace anything you are
holding and change rooms.

"Everyone must find the secret task
before the task ends."”

In a way, it is a team task,
cos we've got to succeed

for the thing to succeed.

Can I ask one question from you?

Has the task been ever-present
through the whole time

we've been here? A secret task?

Yeah. No, it's been on my mind.

He's not going to tell you.

If we cross on the corridor,
is that bad?

You do what you want.

So, I can say "hi" occasionally?
Yeah, OK.

Please read the last line, Julian.

"Your time starts now."

HORN BLOWS

OK. Where do you want to go?
OK, I don't know.

APPLAUSE

I don't want to hang about long,

I would just like to say I find it
sickening how well you two get on.

Every time they get together
and do a team task,

it's like watching the Famous Five.
LAUGHTER

Thank God for Julian,
when Sam was asking questions

about the secret task, went...

EXHASPERATEDLY:
.."He's not going to tell you."

LAUGHTER

Let's crack on.

OK, here are secret sourcing
Sues, first of all.

Bye! I'll let you know when
I find it! OK.

Shut, shut, shut.

Ah. No.

In the oven. All empty.

OK.

"This is not the secret task.

"The secret task is under
the initials."”

What's that? No.

HORN BLARES
Please change areas.

Hi, love!

There's something underneath
the big pineapple.

A secret task is under the initials.

Where's the initials?
Now, where are the initials?

HORN BLARES
Please change areas.

Don't go in the shed,
there's nothing there for you!

OK, I'm going to up here
to some initials!

"Under the initials."

Right, there's nothing in here.

SHE GASPS
Oh, my God!

Hmm, drawn a blank there.

"This is not the secret task.

"The secret task is buried
under buildings."

HORN BLARES

Secret task is buried
under buildings!

All right, buried under buildings.

Is there any, like, a thingy
that looks like a building?

Right.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! You sneaky beast.

"Buried under building.”

SHE EXHALES
Breathe.

"A secret task is beneath
the Taskmaster."

He's in the garden.

I can't see pictures of
any buildings.

Have you found the secret task yet?

It's buried under some buildings...

HORN BLARES
Ahh! f*cking hell!

You must change,
you must change room.

I'm going to the Taskmaster! OK!

"Under a building,"
the building, there's like...

Oh!

What does it say, Sue?

Have you found the secret task?
"This is not a secret task." Ah.

"The secret task is inside."

"The secret task is often
behind you."

HORN BLARES
Please change areas.

Buried under buildings,
under the initial...

HORN BLARES

Buried under buildings under...
HORN BLARES

Underneath the Taskmaster...
HORN BLARES

Buried under the...
..Under the building.

HORN BLARES
Hang on a minute.

The secret task is beneath...

Oh!

There's a T here.

AUDIENCE OOHS

This is the secret task.

"If you found this task fastest,
you must choose one contestant

"who will lose 5 points."
AUDIENCE GASPS

"If you found it second fastest,

"you must choose one contestant
who'll lose one point.

"If you found this third,
one gets a special hat.

"Fourth-fastest" -
oh, I like the special hat.

"You must choose a contestant
who will gain a point.

"If you found it slowest
choose one contestant

"who will gain 5 points.
You must not choose yourself."

Only because I've never
met him before,

and he's young and beautiful,

and he'll get over this,
Sam Campbell!

HORN BLARES
You must change areas.

Can I come in there? OK, yes, so...

I think it's in there, and I think
it's underneath, erm, Greg.

Right, it's often behind you,
which is there.

It's underneath the Taskmaster,
which is him.

It's beneath the bloody initials.

SHE SQUEALS

I found it, Sue! I think.

YEAH, I FOUND IT!
SHE GIGGLES

Do I just choose a name?

Erm, Sam Campbell!

HORN BLARES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you see what I mean about
the Famous Five thing?

"Don't go to the shed,
there's nothing there for you!"

Let's have some ginger beer!

What the hell have you
both got in for Sam Campbell?

What's, like, did you hear
the audience react when

you both said Sam Campbell?

I didn't want to pick anyone.
I didn't want to pick anyone.

And then, Alex made me, and I can't,
for legal reasons, talk about how.

LAUGHTER

But also, if they were very slow,
then you might've given him points,

we don't know.
Sam, it only feels right I should

get your comment on both women
turning on you like snakes?

Yeah, it's just exciting to know
people are talking about me.

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Time for a little break.

The average biscuit has about


It takes a one-mile walk
to burn off 100 calories -

and yet, you're still going
to smash at least five biscuits

into your face, aren't you?!

Time to look in a mirror!
See you in a bit!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where the competitors are finding
the secret task one-by-one.

Yes, but the order in which
they find them is very important.

When they find it,
they must say a rival's name

and thus seal their fate.

Here are the team of three
searching and shouting.

Press your horn.

HORN TOOTS

Ah, I've found one. I've found it.

It's not in here, I don't think.

BOTH: "This is not the secret task."

"The secret task is under
the initials.

"A secret task has a secret door!"

Secret door.

HORN BLARES
Oh, f*ck it!

Please change rooms.

SAM CACKLES
Secret door.

Secret door.

I mean, there's doors,
but they're not very secret.

HORN BLARES
Hello. Hello, Lucy.

What do you know so far?
I know that there's a secret door.

Secret door. OK.

Do you think it's a real door,
or like a secret door?

I think it's probably
a secret door.

"This is not the secret task.

"The secret task is often
behind you.

"The secret task
is beneath the Taskmaster."”

BARELY AUDIBLE: Is it down here?

Pardon? Is it down here?

HE WHISPERS: I don't know.

It's not down here, then,
the secret door? It might be.

Is that a yes? No.

HORN BLARES

Please change rooms.

Is there anything nice in there,
do you think?

Erm, I couldn't possible say. Ah!

Ah, Julian welcome to
the living room.

Do you know anything yet at all?

It's beneath the Taskmaster.

AUDIENCE OOHS

"This is the secret task.

"You must shout the name of your
contestant in ten seconds from now."

Sam Campbell.

LAUGHTER

HORN BLARES
Please change rooms, everyone.

What were you saying just then?

There's things of interest
in there. OK.

Oh, hello, Sam. How are you?

It's very infuriating, this.
I hate looking for things.

Psst. Hello.

Just passing by.

Yes. Under that? This lifts up?

That's awesome, wow.

Oh, this is the secret task!

"You must shout the name of your
contestant in ten seconds from now."

PLAYS FLAT NOTE

Sue Perkins!
HORN BLARES

We need to get Lucy in there now.
Yeah, yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'll be honest with you... Yes.

...I don't like looking for things.
Right.

Erm, Sam? Yeah?
Where is the task in here?

"TM" is my clue.

Thank you.

SHE GASPS

Well, that is inspired, thank you.

Sue Perkins!

I can confirm everyone has now
found the secret task.

HORN BLARES
One of your better efforts.

Ah, thank you, Julian.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It genuinely sounded there,
with that last sentence,

that you were auditioning for
a James Bond villain.

"One of your better efforts,
Mr Horne."

So, Perkins and Campbell become
the fall guys for this task.

Ohh. How did it feel, Sue?

It would've felt like bullying,
had that gone on for Sam.

He still got three out of five.

I thought I was giving him
five extra points.

Well, you might be.

Ah. You might.

Everyone's talking about this guy.
It's official. He has arrived!

LAUGHTER

Pick the bones out of that
point-wise, then.

Well, I can tell you exactly
how it works point-wise.

Julian, you were the fastest,
six minutes, 30.

You shouted "Sam Campbell,”
he loses 5 points.

Oh, no. Aww!

But Susan, you were the slowest,
you took 18 minutes,

you shouted "Sam Campbell,”

so he gains 5 points!

ALL CHEER

Back to zero.

LAUGHTER

Sam, you were the second-fastest,
eight minutes, 50.

You shouted "Sue Perkins,"
she loses a point.

AUDIENCE AWWS

Sue, you were the second-slowest,


you shouted "Sam Campbell,”
he gains a point.

ALL CHEER

Oh, my God this is
a roller-coaster!

Lucy, you were in the middle,


you shouted "Sue Perkins,"
so Sue Perkins wins a special hat!

JULIAN: Oh, my God!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

It's like a really, really weird
version of Handmaid's Tale.

LAUGHTER

Can you tell me the scores, please?

Yes, oh, it's such a tight
score board, Greg. Ooh!

Sam and Lucy are at the
bottom with 3,

all the rest are at the top
with 4 points!

APPLAUSE

Shall we get on with the next bit
of the show please, Alex?

Oh, let's do it, Daddy.

Hello, sausage.

Oh, hello, Sue.

Hiya.

Would you like me to bend over?

I really would.

"Complete the fortune trail."

What is a fortune trail?

This is a fortune trail.

"Fastest wins."

Goes from right to left.

There are five tasks on
the fortune trail.

Oh, well, always start
with the ladder.

Down the fortune ladder,
through piggy...

Is that a bag of salt?
Oh, yeah. Classic.

"Your time starts now."

APPLAUSE

The fortune trail,
the concept of the fortune trail

threw you a little bit, Sam.

I'd never heard of that in my life.
No. And do you know why?

It's cos he made it up.

LAUGHTER

It's like Brian Blessed, is he real?

SUE: Oh, he's super real.
Yeah, he's real, yeah. Oh, wow.

LAUGHTER

Let's crack on.

First to test their luck are
Sam Cam and Sue Wo.

"Your time starts now!"

Are you a superstitious person?

Yes. Oh, good.

All right. "walk under
the ladder..."

"..Or put the ladder back
in the shed."

Under the ladder?

Cool.
So, you're not that superstitious?

Yeah, but like, I'm also,
like, I want to win.

"Find a lucky penny..."

"..Or put exactly £13 on
the lucky plate."

Am I allowed to smash this?

Yeah, you can smash it.

LAUGHTER

How do you tell if they're lucky?
Oh, you'll know if it's lucky.

How much have you got so far?
£1. Ah.

£3.

Ten more.

I'm done with that one.

Stage Two complete.



Stage Two complete. Cool.

"Either spill the salt or throw..."

"..All the salt over your
shoulder..."

"..Onto the pasta in the caravan."
"..In the caravan." What?

Oh, dear, that's bad luck. Oh.

"And open the umbrella
inside the shed...”

"..Or close these five umbrellas."

One.

Two.

Oh!
SHE GIGGLES

Impressive.

I found a lucky penny, as well.

Oh, well done.

Mm!

Ah, and what's that?

"Toss five heads in a row."

Heads.

One head. Great. Get that?

Well, this'll be easy.

Tails.

Heads. OK.
So, how many have I done? One.

No, I haven't.
It's heads in a row.

In a row? In a row.
You just did tails.

What? This'll take all my life!
At this rate.

Four. Wow, OK so this will do it.

Ohh, no!

Tails.

Heads. Heads. Tails. Heads.

Tails. Tails. Tails. Tails.
Tails. One head!

You got a head? No! OK.

Maybe it just needs less tosses.

Fewer.

Heads, that's two.

Three! Oh!

Four. We've been here before,
though, haven't we?

It's heads! Stop the clock.

Not like winning...matters.

Yeah! How long, was it?

Thanks. Great.

Have you got anything of ours?

Er, no.

Oh, I do still have one coin.

Back on the table. Sorry, sir.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

APPLAUSE

SUE: Ohh!

I know Alex of old now, and I...

As soon as I saw there was a
special coin, I thought,

"I bet that's a
doubled-headed coin."

It's the sort of thing this
dweeb gets off on.

There were a few of them, as well.

There was one in the caravan,
if you'd gone in there,

One in that little moneybox,
one behind you on the door.

They were dotted about. Ahh.

But if either had worked that out,
we would've been robbed of one of

the more dramatic statements that
Sam's made during this show.

"This'll take all my life!"

LAUGHTER

Sam was very quick going down
the fortune trail... Yeah.

...and he got five in a row
in just six minutes, 51.

Wow, that's nowhere near
all your life!

And Susan, nine minutes, 49.

Oh, well there we go.

Now we're throwing to the adverts,

just time to pop into your
teenager's bedroom and confirm

that they're spending all their
spare time scrolling through

their phones like
a brain-dead text zombie.

Bad parenting alert!
It's your fault!

See you in a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back!

This is Taskmaster, it's part three,
and we're in the middle of a task

to test their superstition.

Who's next? It is Julian,
Lucy, and Sue now.

Are you a superstitious person, Sue?

It's too late for that.

Lovely.

Walk under it? No.

I'm not going
to walk under it, am I?

"Find a lucky penny."

How do I find a penny?
Is it here somewhere?

Can I skip on and come back to it?
Yeah, 'course.

Imma come back to that.

If I give them £7 and a penny,

then that sort of cancels
each other out.

You know, cos if this penny
isn't lucky, they've got £7.

“Either spill the salt or throw all
the salt over your shoulder..."

"..Onto the pasta in the caravan.”

Oh, I've spilt it!

Now, what's happened there? Have you
done what it said on the task?

"Either open the umbrella
inside the shed..."

Yeah, I opened the umbrella
inside the shed.

I see, so you opened one of
these umbrellas inside the shed.

Damn your syntactical vortex!

In the shed, umbrella in the shed.

I suppose the younger contestants

will be better at this
sort of thing.

LAUGHTER

What you doing? Lucky penny!

There's a lucky penny!

So, that goes on there. OK.

Oh, there's a penny.

Is it lucky?

"Toss five heads on a coin
in a row.

"Each toss of the coin must be
a standard coin toss."

Just feels like we've been here
before with the lucky penny.

Heads.

Hang on, there's gotta be
something easier than doing this.

I'm going to toss my head
five times in a row.

On the coin.

LAUGHTER

Maybe there's a coin with two heads.

AUDIENCE OOHS

No, these are all real coins.

You're only looking at one side.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GASPS

Yes!

Three. Ooh.

I've found a lucky coin! Right.

It's got two heads on it.

OK, see if you can toss
five in a row.

Sorry, I-I've seen it done on film.

Yes.

You've gotta start again,
I'm afraid, Lucy.

Oh, fancy finding it, and then...
I can just do it on there, yeah?

LAUGHING: Oh, sorry.

Is that tossed enough?
Well, I-I've stopped the clock.

Heads, I've stopped the clock.

Four. Now, here we go.

Five. Was it a standard toss,
that last one?

It was, and the penny in there.

Jolly good. Yeah.

You got a problem?
Not wi...not...

No, sir.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Some firsts for Julian there,

that's the first time we've
seen you directly threaten Alex.

Heterosexual male banter.

LAUGHTER

Erm, what I wrote about you, Sue,
is you "lost your g*dd*mn mind."

That happened.

Do I allow Sue's head tossing?

Hmm. It did say they were meant
to be standard coin tosses.

Listen, I've travelled, I've been
lucky enough to travel a lot.

Er, just because we toss a coin
in the West like this,

let me tell you...
Yeah, we all know that in Peru,

that's how they do it.
LAUGHTER

Lucy, the thing that I'm most
fascinated by is the fact that you

have a singular inability
to toss a coin.

I've never done that with -
someone's always done it, you know?

Usually, without being sexist,
a man.

A man. Yeah. You've got a man
who does that for you?

No, I mean, you know...

I-I've never packed a boot.

LAUGHTER

SUE: Why would you?

I'll say, she was so much slower
than all of them,

despite finding
the two-headed coin. Yeah.

Ahh. Erm, Julian, you flicked it
incredibly quickly.

It was on your third go.

You only have a 3% chance of
doing it five times in a row.

So, Julian did the whole thing
in four minutes, 12.

Lucy, 11 minutes, three. Yes.

And in the middle,
we had Sam, six minutes, 51,

Sue, six minutes, 56,
Susan, nine minutes, 49.

But Lucy did only put £7 and
a penny on the £13 tray.

So, I'm afraid you didn't do all
of the tasks. Didn't do it.

And, just while I'm being
a party-pooper, Sue,

I'm afraid it's not considered
a standard coin toss

anywhere in the world.

It's good I've got a jacket
for this eventuality.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

APPLAUSE

When did you do that?

Erm, I said I wanted to go for
a wee, and then, I did it,

and then, some of the guys backstage
helped me do it. Ah.

So, there we are. There we are,
it means that Susan,

you get 3 points. Sam, 4.

But Julian, you thought this was
a young person's task,

wins all 5 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think I'd like another, please.

OK, then, Greg, and night-night!

Ooh!

Ah, Susan. Hi.

LAUGHTER

Julian. Hello.

Good evening.

Night-night. Ah.

It's nice, in't it?

Ah, love a starry night.

Might just adjust this to stay
in the same frame.

Perfect.

What the h... Really? Yeah.

"Convince a child you're asleep.

"You must either have
a nap lasting one minute

"with your face visible throughout.

"During this nap, you must
snore and sleep walk.

"Or you must have a nap
lasting one minute

"where you are not in bed at all,

"but the child thinks you are.

"During this nap,
you must snore and sleep talk.

"Most convincing sleeper wins.

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Wh-Who is this child?

Which method are you going to take?

I'll go in the bed, I think.

I'm going to do number one,
it'll be me with my face visible.

Quite a good actress,
so I'll just do it myself.

I'm not going to be in the bed.

I'm going to be talking to
this child and...

...sleep talking, snoring.

You think that's the best way?

For me, yeah.

I'm going to do the sleep talking.

I want to have some movement,
cos when you're a sleep talker,

the body moves, so it'll need to
sort of move around a bit.

I was made for this.

I don't know if you know,

but I trained at the Royal Academy
of Dramatic Art, mate.

You think you're going to win
this one? I think so.

MUSIC BOX PLAYS

JULIAN GROANS

APPLAUSE

I thought that Sue and Susan
looked quite sweet

in their bedtime outfits,

and everyone else looked like
they were members of a cult.

So, everyone, in a way, is planning
to use their acting skills -

with the exception of Julian,

who I think is just planning
to go to sleep.

LAUGHTER

we'll see.

OK, we're going to see
the child now,

watching Lucy and Susan, and Julian
pretending to be asleep. OK.

Hello, Flossy. Hi.

OK, this first person,
it's a man called Julian.

SNORING

SNORING CONTINUES

LAUGHTER

That was Julian.
Do you think he was asleep?

No. Uh-huh.
LAUGHTER

OK, this is Susan.

SHE SNORES

SHE GRUNTS

LOUD SNORING

I think she's asleep,

cos her sound's a little
bit more realistic.

OK, and this is Lucy.

LOUD SNORING

Morning.

LAUGHTER

It's time to get up now.

Come on, then.

LAUGHTER

Ohh...where are my socks?

Where are my socks?

I'm... Oh. Not that way.

Oh...

...just five more minutes.

LOUD SNORE

Awake or asleep?

Awake. You could actually see
her eyes opening.

She was like looking
for her socks like that.

I don't know how she would be able
to get in, back into bed

when she was looking for her socks.

APPLAUSE

RADA strikes again. Yeah.

It's - I know it's annoying,

but it's all I've got, so...
let me have it. Yeah.

Er, Lucy, what I wrote down was

"some of the worst acting
I've ever seen."

I know, I don't get many acting
roles, have you noticed?

LAUGHTER

I asked Alex during it if he could
show us Flossy's reaction

to your acting one more time.

She reacted like this.

Come on, then.

LAUGHTER

Part three is over.

Come back to see our task titans
grapple it out in the final part.

All desperate to take home
a lump of cobalt,

a cat ba*ls calendar, and scream,

"Look, Mum, I've made it!"
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome back to
the final part of the show,

where our cast are fast asleep -
or are they?

No, they're all awake, Greg,
come on, mate.

Pay attention, but they are
attempting to trick

our special guest sleep inspector,
Flossy, into believing they are.

Now it's time for Sam and Sue.

So, I've got my snoring string
and my sleep-talking stick.

Of course. Yeah? Mm-hm.

SNORES LOUDLY

SNORING CONTINUES

Here's Sue.

LOUD SNORING

INDISTINCT MUTTERING

...Lateral thinking...

SNORING CONTINUES

...Your time starts now...

Flossy, what do you think of Sue?

I think she's awake.

I don't think her snoring kept on
stopping and going,

and stopping and going,
and it kept on going, like, on.

Really? Interesting.

Right, well, there's only
one more to see.

I'm now going to show you
somebody called Sam.

LOUD SNORING

LAUGHTER

SNORING CONTINUES

LAUGHTER

SNORING CONTINUES

Thank you.

I think he's asleep.

We're saying Sam is asleep? Mm.

Right. So, we're down to Susan,
or Sam, the flamingo.

I think she was awake. Really?

So, you're saying that
flamingo is asleep?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

It looks like RADA has
been defeated.

LAUGHTER

By a toy flamingo.

We haven't said anything about Sue.

No, Flossy sort of saw
through your technique,

because it was a bit jerky.

I just really liked the idea of
stuffing a massive stick up

a mannequin's arse and rotating it
like a rotisserie chicken.

Sue went to a lot of effort
to construct that,

and Flossy just went,
"Nah, she's not asleep.”

LAUGHTER

Although, Greg, I think it is worth
reassessing the techniques used

by one of the sleepers.

Oh, OK. Have a watch of this.

LOUD SNORING

SAM'S VOICE: Hello, child.

Listen here, all you have to do
is say that this is

the most convincing sleeper.

Seriously.

Say the yellow one. The yellow bed.

I'm going to get the production
company to contact your parents.

I will give you £100.
LAUGHTER

I'm going to figure out
how to get it you,

£100 if you say that I'm
the most convincing sleeper.

Thank you, child.

LAUGHTER

So, the question is, who was
the most convincing sleeper?

SHE GIGGLES

Will Sam actually give me £1007?

LAUGHTER

I do want £100.

SHE GIGGLES

Final answer,
who do you think was asleep?

I don't think Sam was awake.

Or Susan.

If you can't decide
between Sam and Susan,

then that's absolutely fine.

If you think they're both asleep.

Do you think he would
actually give me £1007?

Susan and Sam.

Flossy, thank you very much
for looking at these five people.

APPLAUSE

Hey, listen all,
all's fair in love and w*r.

You know, and those were
the two that she chose.

I think the least-convincing
sleeper,

I feel like I've picked
on you a bit, Lucy,

but you just were.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I was. 1 point to Lucy.
Got it.

I think Julian was more convincing
than the rotisserie madness,

so I'm going to give Sue 2 points...

OK. ..and Julian 3 points.

And then, the people that fooled
Flossy, by hook or crook,

both gain 5 points are
Sam and Susan!

APPLAUSE

It's a three-way tie at the top
between Julian, Sam, and Susan,

all on 12 points! Whoa!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's time to make your way
to the stage for

the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

Who's going to read the task out?

Julian Clary, please.

"Mime the proverb on your card.

"There will be three
minute-long rounds.

"You must be waving at each other
throughout your attempt.

"But you can make a single noise
of the Taskmaster's choosing."

So, this is a team task.

The waving bit's going to be
really annoying.

While miming, you have to
wave to each other.

Any questions? Yes, Sam.

Oh, I'm just practising.
Yeah, OK.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, first of all, Sam,
you're going to miming the proverbs

to these two people here on your
team, Lucy and Julian.

But you cannot pass.

And in Round One,
what noise can they make?

I'd like Sam to make the noise...

...of a steam train.

So, start waving and
start miming on the whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Waving, Sam, waving Sam, waving.

Don't count your chickens
before they hatch?

Correct!

APPLAUSE

And serving...

A watched pot?

You're welcome to use the steam
train. ..Kettle...

HE MIMICS TRAIN

Er, too many cooks?

Spoil the broth. Correct!

Correct!
WHISTLE BLOWS

You must stop there,
you scored 2 points, 2 points.

So, Susan to mime to Sue.
What noise can Susan make?

A clip-clopping horse.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Drawing, painting, victory.

Go to right, throws a ball.

Erm, er, I'm strong. The strongest.

Fastest, jousting, fighting.

The sword is mightier than
the pen. Yeah!

No, no. The pen is mightier than
the sword! Correct, yes!

MAKES CLIP-CLOPPING SOUNDS

Erm, one more town.

Erm, don't, er, don't look
a gift horse in the mouth.

Yeah! Correct!

Er, you've...

Every poo has a silver lining.

LAUGHTER

Goose's eggs, eggs,
look at the, the basket.

Basket, don't count your eggs
in your basket!

Don't put all your eggs
in one basket!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Wow, I can't believe
the mighty horse was useful.

LAUGHTER

The team of two win Round One.

There is two rounds to go though.

Sue, you are going to Susan
this time. OK, er...

What noise would you like
Sue to make?

I was thinking a sort of auctioneer.

Sort of...
IMITATES AUCTIONEER

LAUGHTER

Team of two get ready to wave
and mime, go.

WHISTLE BLOWS

A pony, stroke the horse.

Scratch the horse. Don't scr...

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

IMITATES AUCTIONEER

Ooh! Hmm...

Oh, what?

MEOW!

Meow!

WHISTLE BLOWS
And that's the end of the round.

Yeah, it was curiosity
k*lled the cat.

GREG LAUGHS

What sound is Lucy allowed to make?
I would like Lucy to make the sound

of someone falling off a mountain.

Ahh.

They need one to win this round.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Money.

Money...

Wave, wave, waving, Lucy.
..doesn't...

Waving, Lucy. ..grow on trees.

Correct!
That's the end of Round Two.

Money doesn't grow on trees.

It's 1-1. One round to go.

What noise is available to Julian?

The mighty bong of Big Ben.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Bong!

Waving, Julian.

We're talking five words.

Five words. First word...

Waving, Julian. Slip.

Fourth word...

Drink. Drink.

Erm, water, it's great.

Oh, it's something with water?

Erm, blood is thicker than water!

Correct! Wow!
APPLAUSE

Eight seconds, Julian,
eight seconds.

Look...

Look before you jump.
Look before you leap!

It was on the buzzer, and he did it!

Yeah, I think you got it
on the buzzer, yeah.

It's been given. Two to beat.

You've gotta get three, Susan,
you've gotta get three to win.

What sound can Susan make,
if she chooses?

Oh, yeah, the sound.
If you want to, a haunting whistle.

Hello. Er, laughing.

Laughter's the best medicine.
Correct.

Ohh!
APPLAUSE

No, crying. Er, don't cry
over spilt milk.

Correct!

APPLAUSE

Er, sunshine, pick the fruit,
er, er...

...dropping fruit.

Erm, orchard, trees.
I've got the fruit, apples.

Apple tree.
I've fallen over the apple tree.

Apple falls.

The apple doesn't fall
far from the tree!

WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING

Uh, we'll add that to the final
scores. Come down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who'd have thought that would end
in such a high-octane way?

It was an adrenaline rush.

The team of three
obviously came second.

The team of two, first.

The team of three got five right,
they got six right altogether.


Team of two. Yeah.

What should I give the others?



OK, so it's 3 points to
the team of three,



APPLAUSE

It means, at the end of the episode,
Lucy, you come last with 7 points.

Sue, 11. Sam, 15. Julian, also 15.
Susan, also -

no, she's won the episode
with 17 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoa! Susan Wokoma wins!

Please go and pick up
your drum roll-worthy prizes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tonight, everyone's talking about
the winner - it's Susan Wokoma!