16x09 - Fagin at the Disco

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Good evening.

Agh!

Ah.

Ooh.

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?

Sorry.

How we laughed.

Ah.

Huh?

Hello, welcome to the show.
I'm Greg Davies.

If Taskmaster is

the new Colosseum, then our
contestants are lion fodder.

If Taskmaster is
the Olympics, then these five

need to beef up on 'roids big-time.

If Taskmaster is
the new religion, then I'm

the mother-flipping pope
and I don't smoke dope

and I've never owned a soap on
a rope.

Wow! Writing introductions is
increasingly tough.

So, let's crack on
and meet our colossal contenders,

they are Julian Clary, Lucy Beaumont,

Sam Campbell,

Sue Perkins and Susan Wokoma.



And next to me the answer to

the question, which well-known
presenter does little plops in

the toilet like the ones
you'd expect to see from a sheep?

It's little Alex Horne.

All right.

Hello.

Say again?

Go on, what are you preoccupied with?

Oh, was I? Sorry, no, yeah, no

not very professional.

It's just this new WhatsApp group.
Yeah.

I love WhatsApp. Do you?

Just the groups, and anyway... OK.

Yes, no, I'm looking...
looking forward to the show.

Let's have a look at your
WhatsApp group.

Really? Yeah. It's sort of priv....
It's sort of me and my friends.

Yeah. Let me see.

My actual friends.

"The Little Ones."

It's the name of the group, yeah.

Yeah. Who's in it?
Lil Nas is in it, is he? Yeah.

What's he say? "Hey, guys."

Yeah. "You free Wednesday?
Got some little plans."

He's so funny. So funny.

You say, "Nah, man, not Wednesday,

"swimming lesson. You know this."

Hmm, should do.

And Lil Nas says, "Lil Wayne,
you around next Wednesday?"

"Like I say, I've got some
little plans."

Lil Wayne says,
"Also not free Wednesday,

"I've got my climbing lesson."
Climbing, always Wednesday.

"I thought you knew that,
Lil Nas." Yeah.

And lots of exclamation marks.

And then, in comes Richard
Littlejohn.

He says, "Hi, guys,
love the banter as always." Yeah.

"I'm now free on Wednesday
as my javelin practice..."

"..my javelin practice..." It moved.

"..has been moved to Sunday
mornings. 8am, WTF."

Yeah, so early.
Isn't that early for javelin?

Yeah. Yeah.

I've messaged him back for you.
What did you say?

Oh.

I don't think they've ever
heard me using that word before.

OK, that's a shame, that's a shame.

Right, on with the prize task.

Yes. And you'll like
this one, Greg, because

they've been asked
to bring in

the bit of old crap that Greg likes
the best.

Wow, you are getting lazy.

We all know Greg likes old crap

but what old crap does
Greg like best?

Best old crap equals five points

and the winner today will take home
five bits of old crap. Crappy days.

OK, Julian, what bit of crap
have you brought in?

Oh, you're gonna love this. It's a
ceramic soldier from a junk shop.

Here we go.
It's a gentleman at arms.

I bought it to annoy my husband cos
I thought he'd hate it.

But, actually, we've grown
to love him.

We call him Bernard.

And he's everything you'd want in
a soldier.

He's well-presented,
he's very, very smart

and probably available
for no-strings fun round

the back of the barracks.
You get that vibe.

He's got that look in his eye,
hasn't he? Yeah, I see that.

Why does it have to be no-strings?

That's how we like it.

I wonder where that tradition
came from

of soldiers having big feathers
on their head. Any idea?

Yeah, yeah, I know. OK.

Lucy, can you beat a ceramic soldier?

This is a mouse dropping.

Oh.
Basically, where my mum lived,

when she was growing up, she lived
next door to,

uh, an old couple
and they couldn't have children.

So, the husband, he bought
a monkey off a sailor.

Um, but the monkey bit her nose off.

And I was never allowed pets.

But my mum did eventually
get me a hamster.

And one night, it ran across
the settee, and so,

because it scared her,
she whacked it and k*lled it.

But because of that, my mum's now
got mice in her pantry.

And instead of getting rid of 'em,
she's keeping 'em like pets.

And that's their dropping.

So, the feathers are just

a symbol of their collective
identity, that's all it...

I just feel like I have...I've done
what you've asked me to do.

You haven't done...
You've just given me

an awful insight into
your upbringing.

And then, you've brought me
a plate full of sh*t,

that's what you've done.

Um, Sam, what have you brought?

It's my National Insurance number.

I had to get a National Insurance
number. Yeah, we all have to.

They rang me up. They said,
"How do you want it?

"It gets sent in
a letter or just email

"or you can get it on a cassette."

A cassette? Yeah.

It's for blind people so they
can hear the number instead. Oh.

Oh. Yeah, there's the prize.

Wow.

And this is what his
National Insurance number is.

From the Department
for Work and Pensions your reference.

BLEEP, one, BLEEP, six,
BLEEP, BLEEP.

Pretty good.

I sort of do want it.

Cos you have trouble with sleeping.

I do have trouble with
sleeping, yeah. Chuck that on.

Chuck that on.

Hi, Sue. Hi, you.

Can you beat a plateful of sh*t,
a taped security number, a soldier?

I've brought this in.

Atomic Energy Badge
for Boy Scouts in 1960s America.

To get this badge, uh,

as a Boy Scout, you had to build
an electroscope,

build a Geiger counter,

go to a place underground
with radiation

and record the measurements.

That's genuinely fascinating.
Yeah.

And I've gotta say,

I think it might have the edge over
a plate full of sh*t.

Hello, Susan.

Um, the thing that I've brought in
is my childhood pet.

So, here is Susan's bit of old crap.

Yeah.

I really wanted a dog.

But my mum, she's Nigerian,

so she doesn't really understand
the concept of bringing

a wild, hostile animal like
a puppy into your home.

Just doesn't translate.

So one day, I was
with my childhood friend Aurora.

She's very arts-and-crafty.

She calls her parents by their
first name.

Urgh. Really weird, really weird.

Pull yourself together, Aurora.

And so, we decided to walk along,
uh,

the Walworth Road

and each find

a leaf which we then covered in
sticky back plastic and,

I decided to name my childhood pet
Le Fleur

and that is a true story
and I feel a bit sick.

I'm not surprised. It's genuinely
heartbreaking that someone...

But it's a beloved... would
have a pet that is a laminated leaf.

Yes.

Not easy for you this, Greg.

I mean, it's not that hard.

It'll come as little surprise that
the thing I want to take home least

is a big pile of mouse sh*t.
One point to Lucy.

One point. OK. What do you think I
want to take home least the next?

I think it's the National Insurance
number of an Australian comedian.

It isn't.

Oh. It's a laminated leaf.

Two points to Susan, then, is it?
Yeah. OK.

I sort of want that soldier. Wait,
wait, is this getting three points?

Yeah. I can't explain why I want
Sam's tape.

I almost want it the most.

But not quite. I want
the atomic badge the most

so I'm gonna give four points
to Sam's weird tape

and five points to the atomic badge.

There we go. Well done, Sue Perkins.
Wins the task.

OK, let's get going.

Stop.

Go.



And stop.

This is already majestic.

Standard sweeper.

I haven't got a driver's licence.

Do you have a driver's licence?

I do, it took a while to get.

I can't drive. I'm a Londoner.

We don't drive.
You just get on the bus

or the DLR and go
boop-boop at the front.

Can you drive, Sam?
I can drive people crazy.

Do you have a licence?
I not only have a licence, Alex,

I am a member of
the Advanced Motorists association.

So, stick that in your pipe.

Drive, that's good, the first word.

Drive across the finish line.

You must obey all the rules of
the road

and must only stop your vehicle at
a traffic signal.

If you disobey a rule,

Alex will blow his whistle

and you must return to the start.

Back here? Back here.

For a ten-second driving lesson.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts when
the traffic signals first change.

So I'm gonna teach you about
this vehicle.

Right.

This is the horn.
Alex... BEEP

Sorry. It's all right.

No, no, but not yet,
not, not yet. Yeah,

the lesson hasn't quite finished
or started.

It goes up to ten miles an hour.

Oh, I'm gonna push this b*tch.

But why are you gonna push it?

I'm not entirely clear about
these signals. No.

I'm assuming red means stop.
No.

It doesn't?
No.

You start when
the traffic signals change. OK.

There were things that surprised me
about the intro,

"I'm gonna push this b*tch."

That's the reason it took 14 years
to get the licence.

Um, Julian, you're an
Advanced driver?

Well, my father was
a traffic policeman,

so he knew about this organisation.

They teach you how
to drive extra safely

and you get a sticker
to put in your car.

But can you also do doughnuts in
a car park and stuff?

Ha, I have been known.

Um, things that didn't surprise me -

Sam and Lucy can't drive

and RADA sits on the front of trains

and pretends she's the driver.

I'm happy to see their attempts.

So, neither of these two have
a licence

and neither of them should ever
have a licence.

It's Lucy and it is also Sam.
Here we go.

You can start when
the traffic signals change.

Right.

What's up?

Please come back

for a driving lesson.

Oh.

Hello, Sam. How are you? Welcome to
your first driving lesson.

Hello, Lucy. Sorry.

You clearly didn't obey
the amber signal there.

I didn't know what it means.

Well, amber means
to activate your brushes.

What does red mean?

You've got two seconds left.
Red means go. Off you go.



You did very well with
the brushes that time, but then,

you hit the purple one and,
of course, at purple

you must get out of your vehicle,

walk round it and get back in it
and carry on.

Yeah. Right, OK.

What's green mean? Green, wait
for three seconds. Off you go.

Red is go, go, go, go go.



Blue means you have to come back

to the previous signal

and then carry on. Oh, yeah, yeah.

What's yellow? Yellow means you've
gotta beep your horn and carry on.

We're getting there. Yeah.

Oh, bye-bye.

What the hell?

You failed to activate
your brushes.



Orange means go?

No.

Ah!

Shall I come back on foot?

If you want.

Hello, Lucy.

Turn them on. Purple is spin.

Obviously, I would be able
to do it if I had that with me.

You want my piece of paper? Yeah.

Lovely.

Very good.



I've stopped the clock!

What?

You're not allowed to stop unless
you're next to a traffic signal.

Can you come back for
a driving lesson, please?

What the hell? That was good!

Oh. What happens if this goes
forever?

Don't you have other things
to film?

Thank you, Sam.

You should be ashamed.
You should be ashamed.

You should be ashamed.

Well, firstly, you enjoyed your
flashing blue hat

and your authority too much,
didn't you?

I enjoyed it a lot. You did.

Blowing his little whistle.

What a knob! Now, Lucy,

and I say this only in driving terms,

I think there's something wrong
with you.

That's what the instructor said.

Sam, you seemed very annoyed when you
were called back at one point.

Yes, I think I know
the bit you mean. It's this bit.



He kept whistling and the
authority figure, his hat...

Yeah, he loves...
..was pissing me off, man.

Yeah. And he was smirking
and he was nasty.

He's a spiteful little sh*t,
isn't he?

"Oh, hoo-hoo, they're not doing my
task right."

He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds.

Is that good?

No...

Lucy, 24 minutes and 30 seconds
so they're similar times

but Lucy's in the lead at
the moment.

Well done, Lucy.

Advert time,

and it's a real opportunity
to practise mindfulness.

Close your eyes and breathe.

Then make a list of all
the things you haven't done.

Jesus, you're behind, get up, panic,

no-one thinks you're up to the job.
Argh!

Hello, hello again. Welcome

to part two of Taskmaster where our
comedians are learning

the Taskmaster rules of the road.

Yes, Greg. It's our way
or the Highway...Code.

We've seen Sam and Lucy.
Now for Sue Perkins

and our resident Advanced Motorist
Mr Julian Clary.

Off we go.

Sorry, Julian,

would you mind coming
back for a driving lesson?

Hello, Julian.

Hello, did I do something wrong?

So you failed to obey

the amber signal which is,
of course, activate brushes.

And red means?
Go.

Blue. Blue means return to
the previous signal

and obey that signal, as well. OK.

I'm returning. Yeah, I knew it.

Do you have a pen?

Father taught me to drive.
Did he?

I passed on my 17th birthday.

Oh.
Happy days.

Happy birthday. I, um...

Well, enough about you.
Yeah, OK.

Red means go.

Oh, dear.

I can't read my own hands.

Oh, don't.

So annoying!

Bye-bye.
Bye.

Activate brushes.

All right so far?

Really nice. Really nice.




I don't want it to end!

Don't take hands off.

I've stopped the clock!

What was yellow?

Ten-second driving lesson, please.






I'm not sure, in the history of
this show, we've ever had such

a chillingly calm meltdown.

Well, I...I just smelt freedom.

It was like a light bulb filament
burnt out and then, "Nah, I'm out."

It's not for me. I mean...

All that blowing and I don't
know how long I was there for,

but it was a long time.

Well, it wasn't that long.



You've got a shorter fuse than you
thought, Julian.

Well, he was the only one there
to talk to.

Oh, God. Awful. Um,

so Julian gets no points,

but, you know, what
a glorious crash-and-burn.

Oh, it was all worth it.

Sue, I've just realised, whatever
we've asked you to do

for this whole series,
you look like it's your job.

I'm really biddable, that's
the thing.

I'm told to do something I go,
"Absolutely," and then, I'm just it.

You really did push that b*tch.

I know!

She was an exhausted b*tch by
the time we finished.

She pushed the b*tch

for a total of 11 minutes and 43
seconds.

Whoa.

Who's next?

Here is Susan on the sweeper.

What do, what do, what do I do?

Please come back for
a driving lesson.

Oh, my God! All right. Ooh.



Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Need to press. Ah! Stop!

Wait, wait, wait, hang on.
Wait, wait, I've got it.

Everyone, calm down.

Good. Stop, stop, stop, stop!

I'm sorry, I nearly k*lled you.
I'm so sorry.

Why does it keep doing that?
Why does it do that? Stop, uh...



Welcome to your first
driving lesson.

Uh, unfortunately, you didn't obey
the amber signal.

Amber, of course, means you have
to activate your brushes.

Bye.

Please come back for
a driving lesson. What? No, no way!

Well, I need to tell you what
blue does.

Blue means wait. Blue means... Wait.

..come back to the previous set of
signals. Off you go.

What does yellow mean, now?

It means you have to come back
for a driving lesson.

Careful.

Yellow is beep the horn
and carry on.

Right, bye. Bye-bye.

And do I keep them off?




I've already got it on

so I just carry on...I'm going.

I'm bloody going.

You can't stop me!

You can't stop me!

Da-da-da-da-da.

We got there.

Well, here's some things that

I never thought would be said
out loud.

You're a worse driver than
Lucy Beaumont.

Well, I don't have
a driver's licence and... No way.

No, no, no.

I had so much fun.

Oh, good. Yeah.

Especially when I nearly k*lled
someone.

Didn't I hit that thing twice?
Twice.

The thing with the man behind?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She did fulfil the task.
She passed. She learnt,

she learnt really quickly.

So, at first you were turning left,

but not understanding why it
went left.

But you managed to time it better
than anyone else with the flags.

Thanks. So you did it in 13 minutes


Amazing. Oh, God, that's...
Oh, what? Yeah.

It's amazing.

But it means Sam gets two points,
three for Lucy,

four for Susan, but Sue Perkins gets
five points. There we are.

And a score board, please.
Maximum points at the moment goes

to Sue Perkins in the lead
with ten.

Well done, Sue. May we have another
task, please, Alex?

Yes, and it's another one that
really is just for you, Greg.

Hello. Oh, hi, Susan.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Sam. Oh, there's something
in your pigeon hole.

That's proper 50.

Coin fever, hey!

"Make Greg the best gift."

"You have five minutes
to order your items."

"Then 15 minutes to make your gift."

"Your items must cost no
more than £50."

I will need that money.

So, I've got to pick these up like
an animal?

OK, your time starts now.

Right, OK.

Have you thought
of anything you want me to buy yet?

Yeah. OK.

Shall I tell you? Yes, please.
Oh, right.

Can you get me a box?

Corrugated cardboard.

Something furry, fluffy.

A blanket.

What colour?

Brown.

And if there's any Mr Sheen spray

and a duster if you can afford that,
as well.

I'd like a hairdryer.

Nothing with nuts.

The craziest straws that you can
see.

So, that's up to about £8 now, do
you think?

You've got 30 seconds and
probably about £2 left to spend.

Let's put some little sweets in.
Hmm.

Or maybe he's a cris... I think he
might be a crisp man.

Ferrero Rocher.

You're going to spoil him.

Cheap crisps. Cheap crisps. Cos then,
we can have a few. He'll like that.

OK. Here you are.

Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm going to the shop.

Whatever's left over, just buy
yourself something. Right.

All right.

You've got 15 minutes to
create your gift for Greg Davies.

Fabulous.

Um, is it appropriate
to call him "sir"? Definitely.

It sort of looks like
you know what you're doing.

I don't.

Wear this one. Yeah. And then,
I'd like you to come out naked.

Look at that.

Is that snow? Yeah.

I'm sorry I started this now.
Yeah.

And you've finished, have you?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm done now.

This is really good, by the way.

You want me to pass that on? Yeah.

I've got a real feeling this is
gonna be quite...quite wonderful.

You sort of set Sam up there a little
bit by giving him coins... Yeah.

..while everyone else had a note.

But I think we set him up
because we always know he's

gonna say something amazing.

And I just loved, "Coin fever, eh!"

Why did you have an orange tie on?

I was under instructions to spend
whatever money was left over,

uh, on something for myself.

I'm very excited by all of these

and well done for the "sir" thing. It
puts me in mind of my teaching days.

I thought it might.

Advert time.

A wise man once said, never
a borrower or a lender be.

And did that guy have
an air fryer or a SodaStream?

No, what a loser.

Apply for a new credit
card immediately.

The neighbours are talking about you!

Bye.

Hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster
where I've been

a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?

Such a patient boy, Greg,

but the waiting is about
to pay off. Are you ready?

Yes! Let's go and get
your presents. Come on.

Happy birthday, Greg.

Present time.

Yes, let's start this end.

This one is from Mr Julian Clary.

You remember the box he made.

Yes. Enjoy.

Ah, that is a lovely box

with pink spots on it.
So lovely, Julian.

This could change your life.

Oh...

Oh, God.

Oh, God, that is...

There's more. Oh.

What's that, polish?

Oh. Julian's written "Have fun!"
in the bottom.

This is what? The shorts. Oh, God...

I mean, you know, it's getting to
the time

where I should consider retiring,

so why don't I go out with
a bang and put this on.

Thank you for my...

..gimp costume?

OK, second present.
This is from Susan Wokoma.

Oh, I like that. Home-made.

Oh, that is nice.

I-I think you should put it on.

Pop that on. Get that on you.

A more cynical man would say that
this was just

some crudely cut
pieces of material... No.

..that have been glued onto a fur
coat.

No, no, you'd be mistaken.

If you wanna go up to the fr...
Oh, look at that!

Give us a spin!



Pop these on.

Yeah! Yeah!

There we are. Yeah.

Oh. They're nice presents so far,
aren't they?

Honestly, they do feel quite nice.

Lucy Beaumont's...den.

Ah.

That's quite clever though
because I do like a den.

Well, you can hide in there
waiting for your victims.

There's a trail of crisps,
you know, where someone might go,

"Oh, crisps!" and then,
they'll come in the den,

and then, you can get them.

Can you fit in there OK?



Let's see, shall we?

Oh, you're going in backwards.
Yes.

You like the present, Greg?

No.

Bit more delicate, this one.
This is, uh,

from Sam Campbell. All for you.

Oh.

What is at the bottom of
the bucket, there's snow?

I mean, I have to say, this is
Sam's actual credit card.

So, that's incredible.
Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket.

Oh, what I was thinking?

Well, I thought, when I saw you,
you're so stylish.

I didn't know you were gonna start
dressing Fagin at a disco.

Last one.

And now, you can enjoy
a lovely bit of art.

Oh, wow.
Is that you? That's you?

Yeah, we did that in the garden.

There's a version on the back
where the artist's in the frame.

I just wanted you to see Alex
in a more aesthetic,

romantic -
perhaps, even sexual - way.

Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.

Which is your least favourite
gift, Greg?

I don't wanna give any
of them one point. Right.

I'm gonna give, uh,

two points to Sam's
gentleman's basket.

Ah. Because I think, well,
it's insane.

Lovely stuff.

And I think I'm gonna give,
three points

to Susan's coat. Do you know why?

I can imagine.

It's rubbish.

Three to Susan.

I'm gonna give four points
to Lucy's crisp den.

And I'm gonna give four points also
to Julian's, uh, rubber outfit

because it's just something
I've never considered before.

And I'm gonna give five points

to this beautiful painting of
my favourite man in the world. Oh.

Well, there we go. Sue Perkins
wins the task!

Let's go back down.

Shall we try for another?
Hmm, yes, please.

OK, Greg, here is some
more clowning about.

Hello.
Hello, there.

Ah. That's a creepy clown.

Don't go any closer to
the clown that's...

I don't want to. It's a clown.
Good.

OK, here we go.

"Feed the clown the most cards."

"No part of you must cross
the threshold of the stage."

This is the stage.
Don't go any closer than that.

No, uh, no... Exactly.
Even if a hair goes over it.

"You have ten minutes,
your time starts now."

Pretty straightforward.

Get the cards into the clown's mouth.
Mm-hm.

Do not cross the threshold

and I will be ruthless on this.

I think we should just get on
with it. OK, well, let's begin,

as we so often have,
with Lucy and Susan.

I'm gonna just try
and see what my aim's saying.

Cool.

Have you got a fishing rod
and a magnet?

All I've got is a shed.

I'll try it again just so that
we're all aware that this is not

how we're gonna do this.

Useless.

Hello, Lucy. Hiya.

You got a plan?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, so we've done that.

Yeah, done that.

That was about six.

Do you mind telling me your plan?

I want to see if you'll, um,
if you'll sit on there.

I don't mind sitting on a sledge.

I can't cross the threshold.

Can you cross the threshold?

Yeah, I can do what I want. Can you
get me all the cards, please?

No, thank you... No, thank you.
What?!

I don't really like clowns.

No, nobody does, do they?

I'm just gonna give you this card.

You might need to just shuffle
forward a bit.

Uh, I won't be putting them in
the clown's mouth.

You won't be? I don't think so.

Right, hmm.

May I go in the shed, please?
Thanks.

Ah.

I mean, there's nothing in here.

Well, no, that's cos that's not
the shed.

Why am I sitting on a sledge?
I don't know,

I was gonna push you if you needed
me to.

OK.

No.

You were fine, just... Was I?

Ah, yeah. I'm over it.

I've got a feeling this isn't
the best way,

but I don't know... I've sort
of committed to it,

I don't know any other way now.




Well, there are SOME cards in
the clown's mouth.

What's great about Taskmaster is
that people sometimes try a method,

but then, they evolve as
the task goes on.

Not in Susan's case.

No, no, no.

It was just the throw the cards,
route one. Yeah.

Throw the cards into the
clown's mouth. Yeah.

How many did you get in?
Uh, was it three?

How many'd she get in?

Actually 12. Oh, was it 12?

Wow. Yeah, 12 in the end. For, for
insanity, that's pretty good.

Well, that's a disappointing start.

Well, you would've thought no-one
could be worse than that.

You would've thought.

Hello, Lucy.
Hi.

Why were you wearing two hats?

I think just cos,
they were, they were in there.

Yeah, pop 'em on. Fine perfect
answer. Is that all right?

Probably the same reason that when
Susan failed, she maniacally laughed.

Lucy, did you really think you could
use a leaf blower

to blow that card into
the clown's mouth?

Yeah. Yeah, she did.

Cos when I blow leaves at home I
mean... Into a clown's mouth.

Well, I mean they go...they go
really far. They go miles. Yeah.

So, it's 12 and zero to beat.

Who's next?

We're gonna see Sam Clownball
and Julian Clowny, fine?

Yes. Here we go.

I've got an idea.
OK.

I need some string, am I allowed
to go back into the house?

Oh, all the information's on
the task, Sam.

If I look in the shed might
I find some elastic bands?

It's a really nice shed.

Do you come with me or not? Do I go
on my own? That's up to you.

You come with me. Great!

Is this your stage persona or is
this what you're like?

I don't know what you mean.

OK.

Why did you do that?

Just to test my thrust.

How was your thrust?

Yeah.

Have you done this before?

Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

What I want to do is just shove
the whole thing in. Oh, I see.

Oh. Oh. No. Oh,
I could still get it now, then.

That's in the clown.

That's what you wanted.

There's still one card not in.

Um, have I got time to go
and get a broom or something?

You've got two minutes.

I'll go on my own this time.

OK. Thank you.

How lucky did I get with that little
bit? The lip. Really lucky, Sam.

Are you giving me some sort
of countdown?

Do you want it to be dramatic?

Well, let's see how dramatic
you are.

You've got 45 seconds left, Julian.

Oh, now, I've done it.

Oh, well, I give up. I don't...

Never mind about the last card.

Thanks, Sam.

That's the end of your time.
Thank you. Thank you.

It was nice to go to the shed with
you. You're not the first.

Sam, my feeling was that probably
when you did that successful

power throw of the cards
that you ran off

and you just kept running for days.

Um, incredible.
Must have been quite a rush.

This woman came to my school.

She died, but she came back to life,

and she came in to tell us about
it cos she said she saw God

and he was a giant pink crystal.
And that's how that felt.

Cheers, Sam.

Julian, your system worked really
well.

The only question I've got really
is why did you make

the cards like two feet from
the top of the rod?

Well, I think there was something
wrong with that rod.

It wasn't quite as euphoric
an experience for me as...

..as your brush with God.

To me, it was just
a packet of playing cards

and a rusty old clown's mouth.

Yes. Yeah, it didn't make you think
of a rebirth and crystals, no?

Not at any point.

No...no. So, Julian still had time
to get that last card.

He didn't get it which meant
he got 51 in whereas Sam... Yeah.

..got 52 cards in.
The full 52 cards.

Wow. That one card was the
difference.

We've reached the end
of part three once more.

The prizes today include
a Sellotaped leaf,

a cassette tape of
a National Insurance number

and some mouse droppings,

and yet, you will still watch.

You will still watch.

Hello. Welcome back

to the final part of
the show where there's

a big old clown head that still
needs feeding.

Oh, dear. Hungry, are you?

No, I suppose you mean
the clown head in the current task.

The last person
to launch is Sue Perkins.

These are the most funnelly things
I could find

but I think they might mean I have
to cross the threshold.

Right, OK.

That's not gonna wor...
Let's try and just...

I'm gonna go for plan B
and just throw some things.

Yeah, I'm running out of cards. So.

So, we're on to plan C, is it now?

Can I bring the clown nearer me?

As long as you don't
cross that threshold. Right.

How's it going, Sue? Is there
any gaffer tape in the shed?

Yes, would you like me to get it
for you? Oh, thanks so much.

Also, if you find anything longer
than this, that'd be great.

You've got five minutes left.
No!

Ah.

Take that, you hungry clown.

Are there more cards? Ah!

Hello, Sue.

Hello, how long have I got?

You've got 30 seconds. Oh.

So there's another whole packet?

Yeah, the classic 72.

The classic 72.

Is it 72?

Thanks, Sue.

Classic 72, mate.

It's a classic 72.

Add it to the 87 that were there,
we're talking big numbers.

What did you think
the classic 72 was, one pack or two?

Uh, I thought it was one pack

and it's just the way I said,
"The classic 72,"

and Alex just went,
"72!" And then, I just thought,

"I have just become
the biggest c*ck on Earth."

The plan worked a treat.

You got the classic 72.

Well done, you. Thank you. I do
need to show you some more stuff.

Oh, there's a but, isn't there? Ah.
I think we all felt there might be.

It was actually birthday
cards. Hmm.

He's excited because he's gonna
crush me again.

Let's see what the Dream Crusher's
got in store.

That's what my children call me.
OK, here we go.

I'm gonna go for plan B
and just throw some things.

Yeah, watch that hand.

I'm gonna just try
and see what my aim's saying.

Cool. Hmm.

The Dream Crusher!

Wow.

That's fingertip cruel, mate.

He's right. It's fingertip
cruel, mate.

You look so nice, but underneath
it all, you're just a sh*t.

Oh, that is...

Oh, that's awful, but rules
are rules, unfortunately. Oh.

Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the
only one who completed the task.

Wow. Wow, really?



the task if you hadn't done
anything at all.

Well done.
Let's have a look at the scores.

The winner so far is Sue
with 15 points.

Oh, can you please stay where you are

while Alex and I make our way to the
stage...

What? ..for the final task of the
show!

Hello, there.
Who will be reading the task out?

It's me. OK.

A-hem.

Watch Alex's parade.

Oh.

Then answer the questions.

Most correct answers wins.

You may not make any notes during
the parade.

Let the parade commence.

And here he comes.

The furry Wotsit. Oh,

he's wearing a lollipop
person's outfit.

I remember my lollipop lady when
I was a boy.

Mandy. She was an angry lady who
hated children.

Ooh, here he comes again.

Born in 1972

and found as a baby in
a car park in Nantwich,

Alex is now dressed as a doctor.

Which is ironic because
he's currently suffering

from ugly haemorrhoids.

Ooh. Who's Alex,
here's Alex the handyman.

He could fix your immersion heater

or do a very workman-like strip
at a hen-do.

But in real life, he couldn't do
anything like that.

Because he's had a soft upbringing
and he's incompetent.

Oh, who could this be?

Who ordered the limp, white meat,

the limp, white meat.

No, that's just Alex the chef.

He's always unappetising

and when he eats he has
to shut his eyes

cos he can only open one orifice
at a time.

There he is again as a magician.

Alakazam! Wow,

he can literally turn any
situation into

a lifeless vacuum.

What's his magician's name?

Why it's the Mysterious Bacteriosis.

No, he's got legs.

Look at his legs. Look at it.

Right, it's time for the,
uh, parade test.

You may now pick up your
blackboards and pens.

Question one...

Julian.

Limp white meat. Lucy.

Swollen meat man.

Don't remember telling you my stage
name.

Sam. A good bloke.

Sue. Uh, I've got the wrong character
so I said k*ll any vacuum.

Yeah. Susan.

Um, my mind was sort
of nearly there.

Soft white meat, I got.

I don't know. Very close...
Yeah...but no cigar. No.

Question two.

Julian. 1972.

Lucy.
He was born in 2015 or 1800s.

Absolutely incredible. Sam.

Uh, 1984.

Sue.



Susan? 1972.

Well done.

Question three.

Julian.

Alakabaz.

Ah. Lucy.

Cheesecake t*ts.

Sam.

Alakazam.

Sue. Alakazam.

Susan. Alakazam.

Very close, Julian, very close.

Question four.

Julian. Big end.

Lucy.
His tripod.

Sam. His personal life.

Incisive. Sue?

Immersion heaters.

Susan. Immersion heater.

Wow.

And, finally, question five...

Julian. Rubber duck.

Lucy. A p*nis brackets c*ck ring
or cheese triangle.

Sam. The Holy Bible.

Sue. Yeah, I guessed a duck, as well.

Susan. Yeah, duck, as well, yeah,
yeah.

Seriously? Yeah.

It was a delicious satsuma.
Oh, magic.

I didn't take any of it in at all.

We know.

So, we'll add all of those

and we'll put 'em onto
the final scores.

We'll come down there and join you.

That's put the cat amongst
the pigeons, hasn't it?

Yes, I changed my clothes
really fast

and you produced
a satsuma secretly.

Yeah. Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get
any right,

but still gets one point for coming
fifth, so well done. Ah, thanks.

And that feels like charity.

Yes. Uh, Sam, you got one right,

so you get two points
for coming fourth.

Oh, great. Julian, you come third,

so you get three points.

Uh, Sue and Susan,

with suspiciously similar
answers you,

you both win the task
and get five points each.

And so... The winner of the episode,

with 20 points, is Sue Perkins!

Sue Perkins wins.

Please go and collect your bits
of crap.

Just one sweet final to go

and one sweet winner tonight.

Sue Perkins!