17x04 - Apropos of Apoppo

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Oh, no, no!

Yes! Ah!

SHE HISSES, BELL DINGS

Argh!

Erm...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ. Ooh! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh!

SHE BABBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome!

Welcome to Taskmaster.

Some say this show is a wolf
in sheep's clothing.

Well, I'm a wolf all right, and this
suit is as Welsh as it gets.

It's woven from the shaven body hair
of Sir Tom Jones himself.

It's breathable, it's soft,
and it's been on the bedroom floor

of a thousand lovers.

I think I'd better dance now.

LAUGHTER

So, without further ado,
let's get going with the games,

and watch as our five task-hungry
wolfhounds go feral with peril.

Please welcome Joanne McNally!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
John Robins!

Nick Mohammed!

Sophie Willan!

And Steve Pemberton!

And next to me is a man who started
shoplifting in his 30s

to get the attention he was
starved of at home as a child,

and latterly, in a different home
with his wife.

It's little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

You'd better believe it.

Yes. It's a hobby...more than
anything.

Hello, Greg. Have you ever nicked
anything in real life?

From a...? From anywhere?

Yes. I don't want you to be funny,
just tell me what you've stolen.

Er, money from my...from Mother's
handbag.

LAUGHTER

Let's start with a prize task, Alex.
Oh, yawn.

No, you're right.
It is the best time to do it,

and this episode,
they've brought in...

Ready? The greatest thing to give
to a granny.

Hmm. Five points will be given for
the greatest thing for a granny,

and five great things will go home
with tonight's winner,

which they can then give to a granny

or leave outside a nursing home,
et cetera.

Greg. Good.

Hello, Nick. Hello.

I won't ask whether you've got
a granny left, but I will ask, er,

if you had a granny, what granny
gift would you bring them?

It's something that my son made,

erm, and it's a...a good-luck
potion.

I just sort of thought a
good-luck potion

sort of in those sort of
last few months to a year...

LAUGHTER

Because it feels like when you're
on the cusp, erm...

..you need as much luck
as you can get

in terms of having sort of a nice
peaceful kind of way out.

Wow.

Hello, to all the grandmothers
watching. Yeah.

Thanks, Nick. Thanks for bringing
your magic potion in

to stop grandparents dying.

Hello, Joanne. Hello. What do you
think a granny would like?

I'd like to give them some
oral pride.

Some oral pride?

I'd like to give them a grill.

Ugh. Ugh.

Why should they be all gappy
and vacant?

Why would a grandparent wanna
wear those?

It's better than a blue rinse
and a Laura Ashley two piece.

Give them some dignity.
This is dignity, is it?

Yeah! I loved it.
I'm very proud of it.

Oh, dear. Well, it's a shame
it's gonna score so badly.

Oh!

Sophie.

I've got an animal print onesie
for Grandma.

Here it is.

My grandma used to wear these a lot.

With those teeth and that -
fabulous.

Fab! Yeah. Why shouldn't you be
a sexual being?

That's it. She was just...

You know, she was fantastic.
sl*t dropping, twerking.

Fabulous. And then she had
a partial prolapse and there was...

It was a bit of a disaster, but...

Is anyone else just imagining
a really sweet granny for this task?

Not some blinged-up sex maniac

teetering on the verge of death.

John, have you brought something
sweet in for a granny?

Do you know? I sort of have.

I moved to a house, er,
where I live alone,

and my neighbour also lives alone.

And she is my dear friend Thelma,

she's my surrogate grandma.

And in lockdown we, er,
became very close.

And she would do my sort of mending
for me. Like, sewing.

And I would do her shopping for her.

And I've got what was always her
shopping order for a treat.

Which is, er, a bottle of wine,

a bar of chocolate,
and against my better judgment,


LAUGHTER

I mean, I guess that's kind of
sweeter, isn't it?

It is. And that's how I wanna
be living,

er, when I'm that age.
sl*t dropping with that?

She's having a great time.
Not sl*t dropping, no.

What is sl*t dropping? Er...
LAUGHTER

I would demonstrate,
but I can't sl*t drop.

Of course I can't.

Can any of you sl*t drop?
Well, there's several, isn't there?

You've got your basic....

Oh!
AUDIENCE WHOOP AND EXCLAIM

You've got your...
And you've got your...

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE

Thank you, Sophie. You're welcome.
Thank you.

Welcome to Taskmaster, this...
LAUGHTER

..this section is about
grandmothers.

John, at least there's a sweet story
behind yours.

Steve. So, I've brought in a card
I made for my granny

almost 50 years ago.
This was, erm, for my...

AUDIENCE: Aw! ...my grandma Alice.

Thank God.
AUDIENCE CHUCKLE

But inside it, I wrote her a poem.

"My grandma's eyes are brown,
and she does never frown.

"She is 62 today,
so she does shout hooray.

"She gives us lots of toffees
and a very lot of sweets.

"She takes us out to the park..."
"Pork."

LAUGHTER

Carry on, Steve.
"And all our lovely trea...ts.

"She always brings us presents
every time she's here.

"So I pray to God every night that
he will always stay near."

AUDIENCE: Aw!
APPLAUSE

It's a decent poem for an
eight-year-old.

I'll tell what it is, Steve.
It's just a relief.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Should I stop now, or should I show
you the card I made her

when I was a little bit older?

Oh, God!

This is the difference between
eight years old

and maybe 13, 14 years old.
Here we go.

I know it's a bit sinister now
when you look at it.

A bit?! But my grandma absolutely
loved it.

She cried laughing when she saw...
Did she?

Yes! When she saw that picture.
And what's inside?

It looks almost like it's
a kidnapper's ransom note.

"Beware..."
AUDIENCE EXCLAIM AND LAUGH

What the hell is going on?
APPLAUSE

Right, OK, you're all absolutely
weird.

You're all weird. I mean,
it's the first time in 17 series

I don't know what to do.

I-I don't know what to say
about any of this.

I don't think there's any
grandparents out there

who want grills.

So I'm giving Joanne one point. OK.

Erm, I don't think many grandmas
want that outfit,

I could be wrong. You are.

Two points.

I suppose that giving them
a magic potion

that might stop them from dying
is a bit kind.

I'll give him three points. OK.

I'm ignoring Steve's second card

and I'm focusing on the first one,

which was genuinely
heartbreakingly sweet.

And makes me think of children
and their grandparents.

And... Mm-hm. ..for providing for
his neighbour, Thelma,

five points for John!
Well done, John Robins.

APPLAUSE

Let's get on with the show.
OK, then. Right, ready?

Yeah! Here we go.

NICK: Hello, Alex.
Ooh, look at this.

Nice to meet you.

Hey! Steve. How are you?

Lovely to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too. Again.

They're all yours.

Ah! Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha!

That's well creepy now. Is it? Yeah.

"Work out who you are
shaking hands with."

Well, I've just shook hands
with you.

"You must only shake hands
with the hands,

"and you may not handle the hands
in any other why..."

Why? "Any other way."

"You may chop off a total of
three fingers and one thumb

"but if you set off the
health and safety emergency alarm,

"you are disqualified."

"Also, you may not look around,
over, under or through the fence."

Oh, God, I'm scared, actually.

"Best hand identification wins."

How am I gonna who they are?
Do I know them? Oh, yeah.

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

APPLAUSE

I've noticed a trend starting
to develop, Joanne,

every now and again, of you suddenly
maniacally laughing.

I don't know what got you there.
Was it the gloves? I don't know.

I just do it, I'm a really
cheap laugh.

It just catches me unaware
sometimes. Yeah. "Ha-ha, ha-ha!"

It is, it's mad.

Shall we crack on? Yes, OK.

It's time for our first three
handshakers.

It's the insurance brokers -
Willan, Robins and Pemberton.

Hello, to you, sir.

ALEX: Forgot that's how you
shake hands.

Oh, God. Ooh, squishy.

Some people do have squishy hands.
Oh, dear, yes.

Oh, that's nice.

Why is it nice, Steve? Warm.

That's unusual. We don't know about
that. We'll come back.

That's weird, isn't it?
I've no idea what you are.

It's a pleasure to see you, mate.

Hello to you. And hello to you
as well, of course.

Problem I'm facing here, Alex,

is a lot of them are just sort of
smooth and hot.

What if I used my more vigorous
handshake?

Hi! Hi! Hi.

I'm just going in for this one.
You're going straight in. Right.

Acorn. Acorns!

Acorns! Of course.

It says "who". So I'm gonna give
them characters.

Gone with Aileen A. Corns,
for hand number one.

Hi.

Ah.

Can you put,
"Question mark - lipsticks"?

Number three...

Oatmeal.

Do you know what I really wanna say?
Tom...

..A'tosoup.

OK.

Yeah, rulers. Hello.

OK, it's like a xylophone.

Toy glockenspiel or xylophone.

Should be hyphenated. Zy Lofone.

Argh!

f*ck me, man! What's in that one?

It's got something in it, mate.
Got something in all of them.

Yeah, but there's something moving
in that one.

Oh, God! That's a real hand.

Is it?

Oh.
HE GASPS

Can I cut one of these fingers off?

I think that might be a person's
hand. OK.

It's bloody Greg Davies, isn't it?
Look how tall it is.

Greg Davies.

Why do I feel quite scared?

Hey! I think that might be water.

Oh, water. Water.

I'm getting nature. Something you'd
line a gerbil's cage with.

Or straw.

That one was definitely a person,
but this isn't.

Ooh. Oh, shredded fake nails.

Oh, fake na... Yeah, that's gross.

What the hell? These are like
little lychees.

What are they called,
picked onions?

You've got no more cuts, but you...
Pickled onions. Oh.

I'm gonna cut nine. Let's see what's
inside number nine.

Yeah... Oh!

It's horrible, innit? Yeah, eggs.

Ah, I knew it was eggs.

Steve, who were you shaking hands
with?

Sof't Boi'ledeggs. Yeah.

WA Ter.

Lye Cheese OBE.

Greg Davies Taskmaster.

Who was I shaking hands with?

The king?

Should it spell something?
I don't know.

"Apopawatapo."
"Apoppo", something like that.

Right. I'll write down "Apoppo."
Yeah.

What a lovely time you've had.
But I've not done something, have I?

Because you've got that look.
WHISTLE BLOWS

See you, Greg.

Love your work.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

You had to use all of your guesses
collectively

to work out the name of someone.
We didn't say. We just said,

"Who did you shake hands with?"
So it might've been nine people,

it might've been one person.
Ah, I see.

This is what drove me insane.

Yes.

Is there any chance that the answer
to what's behind the fence

is "Apoppo"?
LAUGHTER

It's a lovely name. Apoppo. Apoppo.

She also said, "Apocalypse,
apostrophe or apropos."

Apropos. Apropos. Of Apoppo.
LAUGHTER

Steve, I think it's an indication

that you've been living a
refined life that you thought

pickled onions were mini lychees.

Should've done the smell test,
shouldn't I? Yeah.

John got them just from feeling
them, which was amazing.

That was amazing.
I eat a lot of pickled onions.

Break time. When I was a little boy,
my dad sat me on his knee

and said, "With every year
that passes, son,

"I meet a new collection of
arseholes that want my money."

And that is genuinely true.
He was right.

Here are some of them.
APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster!

Our competitors are currently trying
to work out

the contents of some rubber gloves
by shaking hands with them.

The ultimate goal is to work out
with whom they are shaking hands.

Apoppo? Apoppo.

Well, there goes my recap.
Thanks a lot, mate.

Anyway, here is Joanne McNally
and Nick McHammed.

ALEX: Are you shaking hands with it?
That's how I shake hands.

It's an Irish thing,
you don't understand.

It's nice shaking hands as always.
Yeah, there's your...

It's an Irish greeting.

Because I wonder if...

..like, they're filled with things
that are connected.

Can I smell it?
Do what you want with it.

It's...acorns. OK.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Is it egg? Urgh!

I've no idea what that is.
What's it feel like?

It feels like a human hand. Right.
So I'm hoping it's not,

because I've if it is,
I've completely fractured it.

Normal handshake.
I think that's someone real.

Someone real.

If that was an actual hand,
I'd assume it was contagious.

It feels lumpy. Herpes.
Write down "herpes."

Doing a...doing, like, a wee on me.

It does look like it's doing a wee
on you.

Oh, it's rum.

This is some sort of crustacean.

Like, I'm not happy to meet
this hand at all.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.
It just exploded.

It's egg! It's, er... Oh, sorry.
Urgh!

Oh, God. It's more egg.

This is my thumb. Oh, dear.

It's, like, fingernails. Nails.

What'll I do with this?
Oh, e-eat them. I don't know.

Whatever you want.
Yeah, put them in your pocket.

I didn't...I didn't actually
chop that finger off,

there's just a little slit in that,
so I think I can...

That's fine. Right. Right.

Gonna go for the first letter.

Oh, acorns.

Who am I shaking hands with?

Oh, so it's the first letter
of each thing.

Ah.

I think this might spell out
your name.

Is this you trying to teach me
your surname?

What my surname, Joanne? Taskmaster.

Oh, Horne, Horne, Horne...
HE GASPS

Alex Horne! You've got 35 seconds.

Oh, no, that's an X.

Are you trying to make a point here?
Is it "Alex Horns"?

X, X... Erm, an X...Xbox.

It's an Xbox.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Six is olives, seven is Ribena.

Eight's nails and nine is eggs
again.

And your name is Alex Horne.

I'm shaking hands with Alex Horne.
HE GASPS

And I shook your hand at the start.

That was nice.

Good one.
APPLAUSE

I don't why you're high-fiving,
Apoppo.

Well, we're normally low together,
and he's... We're usually very low.

And he's up, so I feel it's a win
for me. Yeah.

It seemed very quickly
off the back of, erm,

"The glove's doing a wee on me",
that you immediately drank it.

Well, yeah.
Greg, I have one slight concern.

Let's go. When I cut off the finger
of R,

I asked four times before testing it

if it was alcohol, because I don't
drink, and Alex said no.

So I'm slightly concerned,
having watched it back,

that my R stood for "relapse".

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a valid point, and that was
very tense.

It was non-alcoholic rum. Good.

Joanne, I've been to Ireland
and no-one has ever

double handshaked me while
sniffing my fingers.

When were you last there?
Things have moved on.

Tell me about herpes of the hands.
Well, was that a rea...

I don't think I got a real hand
in mine.

Yeah, you did. That was Clarence.
f*ck! Mm.

I really bent that. You did really
bend that. Yeah.

In terms of the cutting,
I should say, Nick...

Well, you're only allowed to cut
a certain number.

He snipped one and then put
a plaster on it

and so argued that he could then
cut another one off.

Ah, is that...? Oh...
That was his little...little tactic.

Are you happy with that?
You see, watching it, I just thought

that's classic Nick.
He's just such a lovely boy.

Are you allowing it? I sort of think
I am gonna allow it. Yeah.

Steve only identified three of the
things correctly in the end.

The next up was Sophie
who got five things right.

John got six things right.

Joanne only got five, but she also
discovered "Alex Horne" on the top

and got my name right. So would you
say she was above John?

Yeah. The five points goes to
Nick Mohammed

who got eight of them right,
and got my name.

Well done, Nick Mohammed.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have a look at the scores.
Well, Nick is back in the game.

Oh, at last. Joint first with John,
again, on eight points.

Wow.
APPLAUSE

Alex, do you have a task
with a bit of scale?

Ooh, I do. A nice bit of scale,

and a nice bit of horses. Ooh.

Hi, Alex. Hi, Nick.

Very dramatic scene.

You look fabulous. Really?

Get off my land!

Oh, funny looking farmer.
I'm not a scary farmer.

Hello, Alex. Morning, John.

Here we are in nature. Yeah, I know.
It's gorgeous, isn't it?

Is it? Yeah. Erm, fish out of water.

I'm a sort of city...city person.

I think you're just a fish out of
water wherever you are. Right.

Oh, God.

There's a...there's a lot of stuff
in there.

"Create the biggest and best..."

"..dot-to-dot picture."

"Biggest and best dot-to-dot picture
wins.

"You have 20 minutes,
your time starts now."

Oh, you have different numbers
for different...

Right, then, of course.

OK, so, there's my dots.

This is obviously my canvas.

It has to be a continuous line,
does it?

That's how dot-to-dots work. Oh, OK.

But if you wanna have a break in
a line, you can turn a number over

and we'll carry on, if you see what
I mean. Right.

Make sense? So biggest and best.
Biggest and best, OK.

So, I'm not arty now, at all.
Well, you've got other skills.

I do. Yeah.

What are they? I-I don't know yet.

OK, let's go.
APPLAUSE

I'm looking at you, Steve,
because I imagine

it's only you and I here whose
childhood would've been dominated

by such entertainment. All the time.
Sitting next to granny.

Yeah. Doing the dot-to-dots.
That's right.

Taking the potion. But I always
found in dot-to-dot magazines

that they would show, like, some
hooves. Hmm. Yeah.

And a nose and a tail, so you go,
"Well, I mean this is a...

"..this is a f*cking horse,
obviously.

"But I'll go through the motions."

Anyway, my point is, I'm very much
looking forward

to their dot-to-dot pictures.
OK, ready?

Yep. Well, just for you, here is a
montage for my mighty man.

I mean how...how friendly are these
horses?

I'm gonna stay away from the horses,

because I'm a little bit, er,
apprehensive about horses.

Yeah, here they come, so I'm gonna
get out of here. They don't look...

I mean, will they go for me more
because I'm dressed as Dracula?

I only could draw one thing
at school.

HORSE NEIGHS
Hello, guys, are you all right?

Oh, no, no, sorry. Hang on.

Where are you going?
Well, I'm gonna go big. OK.

Don't do a c*ck and ba*ls,
don't do a c*ck and ba*ls.

That's so obvious.

One, two...

..three.

This is gonna have art lovers
everywhere

creaming over their easels.

Nine.

No, thank you. It's...

Oh, no, no. No.

Need to go through these horses.

I don't really wanna go behind them.

Hey, horsey.

You OK?

..14, 16, 17...

STEVE: They think I've gone mad,
but they can't see what I see.

HORSES NEIGH
SOPHIE: Oh, God. Oh, bloody hell.

Kicking off over there.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Jesus Christ!



HORSE FARTS
Oh, excuse me. Oh, Sophie!

That's horrific.

I think she was making a statement,
weren't she, really?

I think I'm done. Ah.

Right, well, we'll join the dots
and, er, see what Greg thinks.

Thanks, man.

See ya!

And when I come back, I hope there's
a red dot in the bottom corner.

Think about that.

SQUELCH
Oh, sh*t! Oh, you're kidding!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Never has anyone been so
swiftly punished for being c*ck.

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

You got on well with the horses,
though, didn't you, Sophie?

You were having quite the chat
with them until Fartgate.

Yeah, that was...it was very
upsetting. Very close.

Very close. She waited till she got
right close.

But you didn't jump back.
You just went, "I'm here now."

I had to commit to the dot-to-dot.
Didn't wanna lose my focus.

Joanne, did you enjoy this task?
Not really, no.

I wouldn't... Again, I struggle...
I'm not big into the art or numbers,

so it was a challenge for me.

Nick. Hmm. The highlight for me
so far with you in this task

is you just really sweetly turning
to a horse and going, "You OK?"

I-I too was getting a little bit,
erm, a bit nervous,

because they did...they did
follow you around.

I think they thought that there was
food in that trolley little thing.

I mean, they did look like
wild horses to me.

We were very worried. We didn't know
they were gonna be there.

LAUGHTER
And, er, they were big.

Considering the amount of
health and safety discussions

I've had over the course of this
series...

Yeah. ..not one mention of the fact
I was doing an enormous

dot-to-dot around wild horses.

No, and there were land mines.

Right, let's see their dot-to-dots

after these companies raid your
money pots. Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster!

It's part three, and we have some
dots to join.

Mm-mm. Yes, we do.
Dots to join and Is to cross.

They've made what they hope to be
the biggest and best

dot-to-dot pictures of their lives.

First up, here is Nick's pic.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Is it an umbrella that won't
open?

No. Well, look, does anyone know
what it is?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: A balloon. Oboe.

A balloon, an oboe.
Is it a balloon or an oboe?

No. The scope of guesses tells you
how sh*t it is.

Is it a balloon...
LAUGHTER

..or is it an oboe?

I feel it might be one...I feel it
might be one of those things

that when I tell you, you'll be
like, "Oh, I'm kicking myself."

When can he tell me?
It's just a very happy snake.

So...
LAUGHTER

So, it's sort of coiled about a bit
and it...it's...

That's part of its body, and then...
And that top bit is its head

and it's smiling.

Look at the size of those horses,
they're tiny.

Must have taken you ages
to walk up there. It did.

What were you thinking all the way
up there?

I don't know what I was thinking
about,

I wasn't think about the task,
but I...

I mean so far, so bad. Who's next?

Would you like to look at
John Robins' dot-to-dot picture?

Yes, please.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

GREG AND ALEX: Balloon oboe!

That is your classic dot-to-dot.
It's just dot-to-dot 101

on an enormous scale

with horses, in a heatwave,
in a Freddie Mercury jacket

almost having a cardiac arrest.

Have we found the number one
and the number five?

Well, let's find out. Let's see
Sophie's dot-to-dot now. Here we go.

Oh, hang on! JOHN: Wow.
Hang on a minute.

SOPHIE: Oh, my God, I did all right.

JOANNE: Wow. Yes! Ah!
NICK: Oh, my God.

APPLAUSE

Oh, I thought I'd really effed
that up, to be honest. I'm chuffed.

Was there any moment, er,
that inspired that picture?

I always know I can draw a cow.

Er, I've been able to do it from
a really young age.

Say...everyone in the industry
says that about you.

I think it's the first time I'm able
to say this to you, Sophie.

Well done, that's good. Thank you!

APPLAUSE

We're gonna see Steve Pemberton's
dot-to-dot next.

Here we go. c*ck and ba*ls.

Oh, my God. He's framed it.

AUDIENCE GASP AND EXCLAIM

APPLAUSE

I mean, you framed and signed it,
such showboating.

It's not sold, though.
No, someone's put on offer in it.

Someone's put an offer in. And it'll
be held for the next 24 hours.

Am I 100% sure I know what that is?

Think "art." It's not The Scream,
is it?

I think, if you squint...
I am squinting.

..and then think of a different
picture.

The eyes follow you round the room.
Mona Lisa.

I thought that before.
It is the Mona Lisa.

APPLAUSE

Well, not to be overly vulgar, but
how the f*ck is that the Mona Lisa?

Once you've bought it, it can be
whatever you want it to be.

Who's next?
Joanne, here is your dot-to-dot.

Ooh.

JOANNE: Oh, actually,
it's not that bad.

I thought it was gonna be
a lot worse than that.

It's not an anchor, is it?

You can't really change what it is,
because it looks like...

It looks like fallopian tubes now.
Yeah, it does.

And can I...can I say, it genuinely
is gonna be my second guess.

It was supposed to be...
Do you know the moustaches

that the lads wear on the
penny farthings?

The, like, Movember-style
moustaches. Ah, right.

The really twirly ones.
OK. Now we're getting...

It's not that bad! Jesus Christ.

Oh-oh, it is. It's...

Yeah, she's done a moustache.

I don't know what the bit down
the middle is.

Hmm, you said it was a moustache
with a labial fold.

It's a moustache atop a vag*na.

No! Oh, no!

These things.
Are they called labial folds?

Those dents that go
down from...around your mouth.

Yeah. Oh, what, just beneath my
big clitoris here?

LAUGHTER

I thought they were...I thought that
was called your labial fold.

Are there any doctors...?
It might be. My labial folds,

that's what I thought it was
so that's what I was drawing.

Oh, we've got... It's called...
Go on.

It's called a nasolabial fold. Yes!

APPLAUSE

Nasolabial fold. I mean, it still
doesn't look like one,

but I did try. Oh, no. I mean the
picture's still sh*t,

but that's an...that's an
interesting fact.

There you go. Yeah. OK, I can show
you all five of them in one go

so you can judge them.
Yeah, I've already judged them,

but let's have a look. Ah, yeah.

There's something to like in all
of them. OK, which is worst?

Er, Nick's. Yes, correct.

Joanne's was educational,
but is the second worst.

Yes, fair. OK, the nasolabial fold
gets two points.

Yes, and I think this is very mean
of me

given the effort that went into it,
but Steve's

does not look like the Mona Lisa.

Three points. OK, three points
to Steve.

Which way do you think I'm gonna go?

Mine is massive.
LAUGHTER

I'll say for balance, Sophie's looks
a nicer piece of art than mine.

It is... That's fair. Oh, thank you,
John. ..without question, better,

but I should reward scale, so I'm
gonna give them both five points.

Joint winners.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John and Sophie, five points each.

All right, hit me up with another
task, young fellow m'lad.

OK, well, here's a portion of a task
for you.

Oh?

Good day. ALEX: Smiley. Yes, always.

Hello. Hi, team. Hello.

Are you two getting on well?
Getting on very well. Famously.

Like a house on fire. Yeah.
No, we are.

It's just honestly wonderful
to hang out.

Always look on the back of the task.
Oh, yeah.

"Five, six, seven, half nine,
half 11, five, half four."

I'm numerically dyslexic,
so I'm gonna tap out now.

Right. You're out, are you, Joanne?
I'm out.

Right.

Fine, I'll look under the table,
because that's often...

It's often the... ..something you
have to do.

Usually, there's something on
the ceiling or under the table. OK.

"Fastest team to discover
the other half of this tasks wins.

"You must always hold hands.
Your time starts now.

Hold each other's hands? Let's have
a look, can we read it again?

"Fastest team to discover
the other half of this task wins."

"Time starts now." Right.

"Five..." "Five, six, seven."

"Five, six, seven." I'm gonna adjust
the way I'm holding your hand.

There we go. OK.
You went very tight there, Steve.

I did! I didn't wanna let him go!

APPLAUSE
Aw.

"Numerically dyslexic"?

Once I see numbers, the brain...
I just mentally just tap out.

I love the idea that you can just
tap out of things you don't like.

That's it. I mean, I can't wait
to see them.

There's not much to say other than
Steve holds hands

like he's taking a prisoner.

Well, let's begin with those two,
shall we? Yes. The team of two.

Let's have a look.
Here is how Steve and Nick got on.

Numbers, is there numbers
on these over here?

Maybe. No.

Put it to five, see what happens.

I'd love it if something...

No, nothing.

Oh, hang on, there's a key here.

"Sam's clock key."
"Sam's clock key." OK. OK.

Open, open, open, open, open.
All right, who's Sam?

I don't know.

Oh, look. Sam? Is Sam there?

There's something at the bottom.

Can you see it? Put your hand in.

I'm lifting it.

Can you get it?

Yeah, got it. Yeah.

It's the pendulum.

Oh, it's just the pendulum.

There you go. Stop the clock?
Well, you have stopped the clock.

I think we'd better get out of here.

OK, I think I've got an inspiration.
Go on.

There's a clock in here.

Is there? Do you have to set
all the clocks?

OK, er, keep going.

No, it's not doing anything.
That's not doing anything.

"Five, six, seven, half..."
CHIMING

Oh. That was half... What was that?
Half...

No, that was half five.
NICK GASPS

CHIMING
There is no half five.

No... Oh, my God. I feel like we're
on to something.

Why are you so convinced it's
to do with time?

Because half five... Look - "Half
five, six, half nine, half 11..."

I feel like we're missing something.

Are you enjoying holding hands?
I am, actually. It's very, er...

It's quite sweet, isn't it?
Sort of very...

Wow. Ah, OK. That's a CD.
Is something in it?

Would it be track numbers?
No, there isn't.

So that's just a prop.

It's not that. No.

Shall we...shall we look everywhere?

Oh. Hello. Oh.

Oh. Two, three...

No. No.

Oh! Oh!

"14 steps forward, nine steps left,
six steps left, five steps left.

From where? I think from here,
right?

Let's try it.

BOTH: One, two, three, four.

One... Mm-hm.
..two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Yes. Yes. One, two, three,
four, five.

Yeah. Erm...

Ah! What?

Oh, it's there, it's there!
Well done.

I've got jammy hands. Yeah, me too.

OK. Oh, God. OK, let's see what we
have to do.

"Fastest team to go to the lab,
discover the cake, eat one half,

"put the other half in the post box,
put a flower on top of this task

"and then sit on top of this task
wins five points.

"You must not necessarily always
hold hands, that's up to you.

"Your time started when you said,
'Your time starts now.'"

Ah! Right, let's quickly go and do
all the stuff to the cake. Yeah.

OK, go, go, go, go.
Love it, love cake.

NICK WITH MOUTH FULL:
Half in the post box.

Where's the post box? Oh.

Right. There's some flowers here.

How was the cake? Mm.
It was delicious, actually.

Really nice. It was really nice.

I'm just cleaning my hands. OK.

There we go.

Ah! I've stopped the clock.

I actually don't think we did
too bad then. No.

What about those times?
CHIMING

Oh, that was a low point,
wasn't it?

APPLAUSE

My overriding feeling watching them
is that what I'm watching is a

perfectly happy couple on
Bargain Hunt.

Yes. It was one of the happiest days
of my life. It was wonderful. Yeah.

Just ferreting around in shops. Yes!

Yeah, it was very sweet to watch.

It was genuinely just very nice.
It was.

We had a good time,
we got cake in the park. Yeah.

They did very well.
They noticed some clues,

they missed some clues.
There was a discman,

there was a few things pointing you
to discs,

and that was disc was where it was
hidden. Ah. But they found it

and completed the task in


Right, one part to go.

These guys are gunning for some
gifts for granny.

And if you wanted to buy my granny
a gift,

you'll have to wrench her out of the
cryogenic chamber

we popped her in back in '93.

See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello! Come in, come in.

Come on. Come, one and all.

It's the final part of the show,
and there's a team task under way.

Yes, indeed. They're trying
to complete the task

but only received half of it
to begin with.

It's the team of three's turn now.
Here's how they got on.

So I wonder... It's a clock face,
maybe? Clock.

Five. Five! Yes, very good.

Oh. "Sam's clock keys."

Does it work for this door? Oh!
Oh, he's got in.

Don't think there's anything.
I think the clock is a ruse.

A red herring. OK, what could it be
apart from clocks? Half four.

I think we should go and see
other clocks.

He's got a clock, I think you're
right. Does he?

No, I don't think it is a clock.
No, it's not. It's a cap.

Ooh, there's a clock.

No, that's not a clock.
That's a...that's a bee hotel.

Right.

In here? Yeah.

Ooh! Ah! We've got it.

Oh, well done! No way!

It's there. Oh, hold on.

Yeah, there it is, look.

Ready? "Fastest team to go to
the lab,

"discover the cake, eat one half,

"put the other half in the..."
Right, so go to the lab.

E-Eat the other half and put it in
where?

Get to the lab!

Right. "Fastest team to go to
the lab, discover the cake,

"eat one half, put the other half
in the post box,

"put a flower on top of this task
and then sit on top of this task

"wins five points. You must not
necessarily always hold hands.

"That's up to you.
Your time started when you said,
'Your time starts now.'"

I don't wanna eat the cake,
you eat the cake. Yeah.

Why am I using my hand?

Oh. Oh, there's a something in it.
"Close the other one.
Eat one half."

Bloody hell. "14 steps forward,
nine steps left.

"Six steps left."
That'll be where the post box is.

And you need to sit on that now.
Hang on a sec.

Oh, we don't have to hold hands. OK.
One, two, three.

Does she have to count the steps?

TALKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

That's loads. You've eaten half,
come on.

Six. One, two, three,

four, five, six.

"Five steps left."

There's no post box here.

Put the other half in the post box.
Did we find the post box?

I've not found it, no.

The post box?

Oh, there we go. Ah!
Oh, great, well done.

Beautiful.

Put a flower on top and then sit
on the flower.

Can we all sit on it maybe?
On top, yeah.

Ah! Sorry. Oh, God.

ALEX: I've stopped the clock.
Whoo! Great.

Can I check what all the numbers
meant on the back? Nothing.

They're non... They were there to
throw us off. We skipped the deets,

we just go straight to the end.
Straight in, we go gut instinct.

Yeah.
APPLAUSE

You're not all going to get invited
on Bargain Hunt, I'll tell you that.

Chaos, weren't it? We didn't know
what we were doing.

No way?!

Yeah, just wandering around, and
then...

I-I felt that John was in charge for
the first section of it,

and then someone gave him cake.

It was all over. I was done.

Shall I...? Before I tell you how
quick they were,

those numbers, the pesky numbers.
Do you wanna know what they meant?

I want pesky numbers and I want them
big time.

Basically, the numbers referred to
the words

on the half of the task that you
had.

So the task looked like this, and
if you look at words number five,

six, seven, half of nine,
half of 11,

five again and half of four,
it says,

"The other half is in the disc." Ah!

So it's simple and obvious.Hmm.
LAUGHTER

Well, it's 11 minutes and 12 seconds
to beat.

They were faster.
Yes, they were faster.

Yeah, of course. They didn't stop
to have

a lovely wander around the garden.

They were slightly faster. They did
it in ten minutes and five seconds.

Yes.Well done, team.
APPLAUSE

It was close. Just one minute
and seven seconds in it,

so it's up to you how you distribute
the points. Five and four.

The team of three get five points!

So, shall we see some scores
before the final task?

Yes, of course. At the top, it's
Sophie with 14 and John with 18.

Ah.
APPLAUSE

Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

Hello, there, my old friend.

Wow, let's do this! Whoo!

Who's reading the task out?
The current leader - John Robins.

"Pass all your loo roll through your
loo roll inner tube.

"If your loo roll breaks at any
point,

"you must put down your loo roll
and put both your hands in the air

"for ten seconds before carrying on.

"Fastest wins."

OK, so it's one of our highbrow
tasks.

Good luck. Start!
WHISTLE BLOWS

And they're off. Oh!

Steve looks like the end of Platoon.
WHISTLE BLOWS

No, just Nick, just Nick.
Sorry, Steve,

you've got another two seconds.

What?! Oh...

Oh, I see. Oh, my word.

No, not yet, please!
I've got the clock!

John, you're back in.

It's a bad ply.

You're back in as well.
Not you, Nick!

Yes, you're back in.

All the loo roll has to go through,
all the...

OK, I've started the clock.
I've started the clock for you.

Oh, right. Yes, Steve.
Not you, Nick.

Yes, Nick.

sh*t. MAN: Go on, Nick! Thank you.

That's still attached.

Yes, that's still attached.
It won't be for long.

How you getting on, Sophie?

Fantastic. Do you know which bits
of loo roll are yours?

It all has to go through.
Yeah, this bit's mine.

What about the bits at the front?
What bit at the front?

Doesn't matter. Oh, sh...

Yeah, OK, Sophie. Loo roll down.

Put your loo roll down please,
Sophie. Loo roll. Yeah.

Or half the loo roll, that's fine.

You're back in, you're back,
you're back in.

John's broken it, but he got a lot
through. Has it all gone through?

No. Oh, you're doing that?
I didn't notice. Sorry.

Am I done? Can I go?
I thought you were celebrating. No.

Not yet! Well, you aren't timing it!
I am timing it!

WHISTLE BLOWS
You're back in. I'm sorry.

I literally thought he'd won
the task.

Alex, I don't think you've ever been
this stressed.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely. Lovely stuff. Lovely.

I've got a problem with mine.
What's the problem with yours, Nick?

It's blocked.

I'm making a picture of the
Mona Lisa.

Steve you could help me, actually.
Yeah, course I will.

Nick, you're back in.
If you can find my end. Yeah.

Steve's allowed to help, we didn't
say they couldn't help, right?

It's better when we're tighter.
Always.

JOHN: Done it! Oh, well done.

So...

Alex? Alex, does that count?

I basically removed the tube

and then sort of wrapped
the tube around the...

If you would like to say you've done
it, we will analyse the footage.

OK. OK. Nick has done it in theory.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, I saw a break.

I saw a break.

WHISTLE BLOWS
You're back in, Sophie.

I'm back in? Ah!
No, not... You're not back in.

You've come fourth, and there we
are, Sophie.

We're finished! Finished.

Come down and we'll add that to your
final scores!

Can I show you all their final
inner tubes?

You'd better. You'll notice
there's only one bald inner tube.

Some of the inner tubes had
loo roll on, and I think...

But they do adhese to the card. The
last bit. Well, I thought that too.

But then look at Joanne's
inner tube. Ah!

It's so bald.
JOANNE GASPS

If there was any tissue left
on those rolls, I'm not allowing it.

These three didn't get quite all
their loo rolls

through their loo roll inner tube.

Well, then they have failed
the tasks.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Ah!

I had about 20 minutes standing
there making pictures of Mona Lisa.

I could've done it.
You really helped me.

Nick's inner tube, on the other
hand... Yeah.

There is no loo roll on it,
but also it's not a tube any more.

He managed to widen it.

But it is the inner tube still.

Yeah, as long as the tissue passes
through it and not over it.

Can we have a look?

I think it's...I think it's fine.

I think.
LAUGHTER

He's not passed the tissues
through the tube.

He's ripped the tube open and he's
wrapped it round some of the tissue.

It's madness. Are we saying that
only Joanne McNally
completed the task?

Yes. In which case it goes
zero, zero, zero, zero,

Joanne McNally gets five points.
Correct.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!

Can I have the scores, please?
Yes, well, it has changed things.

Er, Nick didn't get any points
there,

so he is rock bottom of the series
with 47. One behind Sophie on 48.

Don't laugh!

Steve's on 68, Joanne, with those
five points,

has leaped above him to 73.
John's on 75.

In this episode, Joanne, you got


John, you got 18 points
and wins the episode!

APPLAUSE

John Robins wins! Please go and
gather your gifts for Granny!

CHEERING

So, what have we learnt on today's
show?

We've learnt that in this dark world
of grill-wearing,

sl*t-dropping grannies,

it's good to know that you can still
turn on your television

and watch a wholesome couple just
pottering around together.

And we'll see you next time
on Bargain Hunt.

Yes? BOTH: Yes!

And now here's tonight's mighty
winner, it's John Robins!