17x05 - Snooker Cue Umbrella Chin

[bunniefuu]

POP

Well, well, well.

Ooh! Oh, no, no.

Yes! Ah!

SHE HISSES, BELL RINGS

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Ah!

Um...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ.

Ooh! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh!

SHE BABBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, hello, welcome.
Welcome to Taskmaster.

A show that if my social media
communications are anything

to go by, attracts sociopathic nerds
who mistakenly believe they have

the right to reply.
LAUGHING

As do the following five
task titans.

Please welcome Joanne McNally...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who on
a night out recently confided in me

about his theory that strength
of regional accent is

directly related to
lack of intelligence.

LAUGHING

Don't sh**t the messenger...
LAUGHING

..sh**t little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's an opinion, it's just an
opinion.

Hello, Greg. Hello, there.

So I wanna...I wanna talk about
something quite,

uh, grown-up. A bit...a bit of
adult stuff.

So sorry but what...what's that
under there? Hmm.

Greg, what's that under there?

Where? W...no, what's that under
there?

Under where? Ah! Underwear.
She said underwear.

She...she said underwear. Huh? Yeah?
APPLAUSE

I like that.

Shall we have the prize task?

We shall see a prize task,

and things are gonna get hot
in here,

because we're gonna get to see
their most extraordinary pictures.

Five points for the picture Greg
thinks is the most extraordinary,

and one lucky winner will take home
five extraordinary pictures.

Hello, Sophie. Oh, hello.

What extra-ordinary picture have you
brought me?

I've set up a little studio in me
dressing room. And I made you this.

LAUGHING
Aww, that's great.It's good!

It's the dancing vole!

From episode one.

I think that's great. Really?

Well, let me give you a different
take on it, Nick.

Why is it extraordinary? I mean
it's extraordinary

to discover that you've got some
level of ability at art.

What, really? You think so? Have I?

Well, I mean... You know. Yeah.
GC...GCSE.

I think why it's extraordinary is
look at the fur at

the ends that's fli...flinging off.
That was purposeful.

Could it be a vole that's very
recently died?

LAUGHING

I thought it was
running into a fire.

LAUGHING

It's neither bad nor extraordinary.

Well done, Sophie. Thank you.
Thanks.

Nick, what have you brought in?

Well, ah... So this is a picture
that I have taken.

And it's a picture of
a sign outside of

a church quite near where I live.

And I just find it extraordinary
that "teas" is...is so big.

LAUGHING

So it's like, why are they scream...

"TEAS!!" Like, why are they
screaming "teas"?

There's a slight raise of voice on
"till" and "Sunday",

as well, isn't there? Yeah. Yeah.

St Anne's Church, home-made cream
TEAS, 3pm TILL 5pm SUNDAY. SUNDAY.

LAUGHING

Scared the sh*t out of me,
that. Sorry.

LAUGHING
It is extraordinary.

Thanks, Greg.

John. Hi, Greg.

Can you beat a shouty sign?

We all work in entertainment in
various forms.

And people watching us might think
that's a very

glamorous industry. Hmm.

However, my picture was, uh, taken
of a comedian called Paul McCaffrey

and captures the true bleakness
of being

a travelling comedian better than
any image

in the history of civilisation.
LAUGHING

Jesus Christ, that's a build-up.

LAUGHING

Oh, my God.
I have been in that chair.

LAUGHING

I love that he's being papped in
a restaurant.

He's being recognised from a TV show

and the guy taking
the picture is sort of unaware of

the moment of complete sort of...

It's a mixture of self-hatred. Yeah.

It's...it's...

..it's bafflement at how life turned
out this way.

Just... Do you know what, when
I first saw it,

I didn't even realise that someone
had taken that picture

and posted it. I thought it was
someone Paul knew. No.

But no, it's a member of the public.
LAUGHING

Wow, that's gonna take some
beating. Joanne.

You said an extraordinary picture

and I was like, "Mine's
more experiential."

Mine's a thought,
a movement, an experience.

Ready? Yeah. Ready.
Ready for the experience.

I'm gonna turn away
and then I'm gonna experience it.

No, you have to look at it to
experience it.

LAUGHING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

There, look. Oh, Che, yeah.

LAUGHTER

That's Che Guevara.

I-I know who it is.

On a balloon. Yeah.

I thought it was important
to just raise awareness.

Of Che Guevara? Of Che Guevara?

Of Che on a balloon. Yeah.

And if I, if you give me the five
points

I will donate my fee to
the Cuban revolution.

LAUGHTER

They do have a GoFundMe, I've just
found out,

the Cuban revolution. I...

LAUGHTER

What is the political statement you
were making?

I'm making the statement that
balloons are...

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Inflation.
Balloons are pricey,

that's it, inflation!

Inflation.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Actually, you didn't say it had
to be extraordinarily good,

you just said extraordinary.

Mine's extraordinarily shite.

Ah.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hello, Steve. Hello. You all right?

What I've brought in is
a photograph of two friends.

Here it is. Ah.

LAUGHTER

SOPHIE: That's terrifying.

STEVE: The gentleman on the right,
uh, who,

whose name is, uh, Glug Gravies.

Um, he was a,

a geography teacher who took
early retirement.

And then his friend, Alan Hornes,
runs a pub quiz.

It is sinister, isn't it?

I mean we're not...

..we're not great-looking guys
with our own faces,

but Jesus Christ.
LAUGHTER

You must have thought about
it, though.

You... I must have thought about
swapping our faces?

Hmm. No. On a long flight all
I think about is your torso

and one of my eyes, one of yours,

your legs, my arms

and just see what,
you know, see how that works.

LAUGHTER

It's funny, innit, it's a relatively
short thing he said to me

and yet I still tuned out
halfway through.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes, I just mark on instinct.
Hmm. OK.

I, I didn't find
Che Guevara's balloon going down

even remotely extraordinary,
I'm giving it one point.

I don't like looking at our faces,

even if they're chopped off

and put on the other face,
I'm giving that two points.

I think you're perfectly good at art.

All right, thank you, I'll take
that.

I'll give you three points.

Shouty teas, four points.

The Paul McCaffrey scream
of despair, five points.

OK, well done,
John Robins, five points.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's get on with
the task proper, shall we?

OK then, Greg.

And get a load of this one,
if you can bear it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Alex. Nick Mohammed.

Hi, yes.

Present. Thank you.

Oh, what are you wearing?

My special belt.

Hello. I was hiding.

You were hiding?
You look like a sort of action hero.

Or as close to an action hero as
you're ever gonna look.

Sophie. Yes. Are you all right?

Just taking precautions.

Right. Oh, God, OK.

Hello.

You wearing a girdle?

Be the most impressive load bearer.

Be the most impressive
load bearer. Hmm.

In 15 minutes' time,
you must stand on the doormat,

wave with one hand above your head

and give a nice big thumbs up
with the other,

whilst bearing the most
impressive load.

Right.

Your load must not be
touching anything other than you.

Your time starts when
Alex interrupts you.

It's called a support belt.

Your time starts when Alex int...

I'm wearing a girdle, Steve.

You're wearing a girdle.

Your time starts when Alex inter..
Good luck with the task!

I've started the clock. Oh, yeah.

Your time starts...

..when Alex...

..interrupts you. You.

I-I missed my opportunity.
I'm gonna try again.

You have to say something.

I'll have to interrupt you
physically.

Does that count? Fair enough, mate.
I'm wearing a weightlifter's belt!

A good sign of Alex being
an absolute narcissist, I think,

the attention he wanted for wearing
that weightlifter's belt.

There's no reason for him to wear it.

He's just going, "Everyone look at
me."

Everyone goes, "Oh,
he's such a nice guy."

He's not, the guy's a prick.

LAUGHTER
Um, OK.

it's all about load bearing, right?

Yeah. We start with a bit of Jo
and a bit of So.

OK, well, I suppose I'll take that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's...what's this for,
to balance it out?

It's for strong men.

Oh, so can I stick stuff in there?

Do whatever you want, Joanne.

Hmm, what's impressive as a load?

What's an impressive load?

Like, could I wear that
around my neck?

No.

Brought the bucket of ba*ls.

I mean, look, to be honest, a lot of
this is just looking in that shed

and sort of having
a panic attack, isn't it, really?

LAUGHTER
Well, well, well. Look at this.

I think it's all about utilising
different structures, isn't it,

within your own body.

Are you in pain?

Not at all.

I never felt better.

So I've maximised the load by using
the pegging system.

Yeah. But that's a load in itself

and then I've loaded the loader

and then there's some
steering wheels

and hula hoops around the neck
for balance.

Oh, and a plunger in there
somewhere, yeah, look at that.

Lovely.

This is good cos then what I can do

is put the ba*ls on the skirt.

Shall I just pour them in? Yeah.

I'm ready.

Right.

It's quite wet. Yeah, it, it is
quite wet,

I wasn't expecting that, were you?

No.

Release.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

WHISTLE BLOWS, DISH CLATTERS

Did anyone...?
No-one saw that, did they?

APPLAUSE

Well, interesting.

I-I thought both ladies did what we
call on this show

a shed panic.

LAUGHTER

Joanne. Yeah.
Did you think it was impressive?

I mean, yeah. Ah.

I clipped all the cutlery

individually onto
that pegging thing.

I mean that's the one thing

I would say you did,
you did quite well.

Yeah. Aside from that, what I
wrote down is, you,

"You look like an old lady who's had
a fall into a room of her own tat."

LAUGHTER

This is Sophie and Joanne
bearing their impressive loads.

LAUGHTER

If I didn't know what this task was,

I wouldn't say that woman's got
an impressive load.

Yeah. I look deranged, I...

Oh, oh.

You, I mean you look like you've done
a lot of shouting in a high street.

LAUGHTER

You, Sophie looks like
she's turned up to

a beach party that everyone has
desperately tried

to stop her finding out about.

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's hard to
know which one of these two

you want to turn up l-less.

Both, both of them are saying,
"I didn't get any of the WhatsApps."

Have you got some statistics for me?
Yes, we did weigh

the amount of load they,

they were bearing. Uh,

Sophie, 13.2kg

versus 5.4 for Joanne,

half of which was the traffic cone.
LAUGHTER

Right, who are we gonna see next?

It's time to get a load of Nick
and Steve.

Bear an impressive load.

Bear.

Bear.

Bear. Bear.

Got a rare tiger, don't know why.

But it's quite impressive,
also it's got a sort of natural...

How heavy is the caravan?

I'm only kidding.

Um, is there some dress-up clothes?

If you go into the secret room.

The secret room. Yeah, it's
in the caravan. Ah.

Right, if there's a way of
sort of doing kind of.

Have you done this sort
of thing before?

No. Right.

Have you found the secret
room? Um...

This? Yeah. Oh, my God!

You're kidding!
Oh, my God, this is amazing.

NICK GRUNTS
Come on, Linda.

Nick. Oh, yeah.

Um, right.

What I'm gonna do is create somebody
who's riding the tiger

and the tiger
and the person are on my back.

We can do this.

We can do this.

Another six inches, Steve.

It's easy for you to say.

How to do it
and still maintain some dignity,

that is the question.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

OK.

Oh, oh, oh.

There you are.

It's quite windy, Steve. Yeah.

How long have I got, Alex?

You've got two minutes, Nick.

We are attempting something that's
not been attempted before on UK TV.

APPLAUSE

Oh, you've kept your dignity.
Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, Steve, what a...what a showman.

You know what, when I found out
there was a secret dressing-up room,

I was that little five-year-old
boy again.

And to see you acting like
a five-year-old boy was very creepy.

LAUGHTER

One of my favourite moments from
the series so far is

the question and answer,

"Have you ever done this before?"
"No."

The way you picked that chair up
I thought oh,

well he's obviously done street
performance or something.

The confidence with which you...

Uh, yeah, I can pick up a chair.

LAUGHTER

You didn't have to wave

and do the thumbs up for any certain
length of time but...

Oh, you just had to be able to do it.
Very, very briefly, you did it.

Oh, the load was on his chin. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right, I'm suspending all joy for
a few minutes.

Why? For these adverts.

APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Welcome back to the second part
of today's Taskmaster hour.

Yes, and as Darwin said, a man who
dares to waste one hour of time

has not discovered the
value of life. Whoopsie.

LAUGHTER
Our contestants are trying to become

the most impressive load bearers.

We only have one man left to see
and his John is Robins.

Oh, I don't mind that.

Have we got any model Gregs around

because it would be quite impressive
to have Greg on the old shoulders?

Yeah, I can get you some Gregs.

Yeah, can you get me some
Gregs, please.

I've got some little Gregs

and I've got one more big
Greg coming.

So, what I'm thinking is...

..well, it's a classic case of
a gutter of Gregs.

LAUGHTER

John. Yes, uh, Alex.

Got a Greg for you.
Oh, this is good stuff.

A Greg for your gutter.

This is great.

Greg. This is Greg, sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm proud to present

the most impressive load ever
carried by man or woman,

feast your eyes on the one and only

gutter of Gregs!

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there is nothing we cannot do
with a gutter of Gregs.

WHISTLE BLOWS
That's your time up, John.

Thank you, Alex.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE

You think that appealing to my ego

is gonna get you points
on this show, do you?

Yeah. Very wise.

LAUGHTER

Well, you just have
to work out how impressed you are.

So, first of all - Sophie
and Joanne, who looked like this.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

And then the three gentlemen,
uh, did these things.

SOPHIE: Oh, that's, yeah.
We have Nick.

Come on, that looks good.

NICK: Why have they blurred
the cow's face out?

LAUGHTER
We have Steve.

That doesn't look as good as I
remember, Steve.

And then we have John's.

It's a bit much, though, isn't it?

It is.

I'm sorry, Joanne, yours is
the least impressive final load.

One to Joanne. Five.

Two points for Sophie.

Three for Steve, the
narrative was impressive. OK.

I'm showing humility by giving four
points to John,

and I'm sorry - the final image that
I found the most impressive

was old snooker cue umbrella
chin, and I stand by it.

Five points to Nick Mohammed.
Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can you tell me the scores?

Uh, yes, Sophie and Steve both on
five,

John and Nick both on nine!

CHEERING
And Joanne is there on two.

What is next, young fellow, m'lad?

Ooh, well, let's just sit back

and have a right laugh watching
the Fresh Prince of Mid-Air.

What on Earth is going on in
here, then?

Oh!

Oh, that's clever, in't it.

Ooh, yeah.

Wow.

It took me a while
to get it just right.

Yeah.

Magic.

Lovely, love it.

Hi, Nick.

Hi, Alex.

Could you turn the hairdryer off?
It's a bit noisy.

Yeah, sure. Oh.

That was very good. Yeah?

Oh, I saw that. Pardon?

Cheeky. What do you mean?

The string and the... there was
a lot going on there.

Oh, I did it too early.

SHE LAUGHS

Take the most dramatic photo
of yourself in mid-air.

You have 15 minutes
and may take five photos.

In mid-air? I've never been a good
jumper.

Your time starts now.

Well, this is gonna be a health
and safety ball ache, isn't it?

The most dramatic photo
of yourself.

Do you know what I'd love, is
to get, you know,

the hair bands that they wear,
the really bad knives to your head?

Do you have to be actually in
mid-air

or could you be pretending to
levitate?

We've got a hairdryer.
We have got a hairdryer.

Ooh. No. Yes, OK.

I've been doing a selfie on
the top of a very tall building.

I've fallen and I'm plunging as
I'm talking the selfie.

I'll have a wander.
Yeah, see what strikes you.

I'll have a wander and a think.

Photo of yourself in the air.

Right I'm gonna have
a wander round. Yeah.

Yeah, that hasn't been very helpful,
wandering around, really.

APPLAUSE

You got a history of jumping, Sophie?

No, I'm not a great jumper. I'm more
of a sl*t dropper.

I'm very floor-based
with my movement, yeah.

OK. Joanne?

I do all my own stunts.
Yeah. Oh, wow.

Always have, always will.
I enjoy the adrenaline.

Highest you've ever jumped? You know
I'm not great on measurements, now.

I'd say like a metre.

Shall we all have a little jump?

Yeah, why not.

Shall we all have a little jump?

Nick, you may as well sit down.
No, I'm quite good.

LAUGHTER
Genuinely quite good.

Three, two, one, jump.

It was Nick. It was Nick.

It was Nick. Good. Yeah.

I apologise.
Can we see them in mid-air?

Well, we're going to see them
montaging first of all,

and then we'll see the photos,
so enjoy this, Greg.

Right, well, we need to light a
fire. We can light a fire.

Good, let's light a fire.

Right, now Alex, I might need
a bit of help.

OK. Do you want me to come
with you?

Yeah, please, yes.

Now, I've been experimenting with
how to get some G-force into my
face.

'Course you have.

I thought this would be quite
a nice... Huh?

Do you feel.... Yeah.
..G-force on my face?

Horrible. Ah, yeah.

Wow.

It's my big day.
How's the day gone?

It started out OK. Things took a
turn. Yeah.

One, two, three. Go.

LAUGHTER

Hang on, hang on.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Right.

I've got my parachute.

Your what?

My parachute.

Ready?

Good luck. Thank you.

Oh, no, I'm gonna need...

You're gonna need to take me from
higher up, Alex.

Oh.

Go!

You've gotta give me some G-force.

Go.

You ready? Here we go. On your marks.
Yeah. Go.

Yeah, not bad.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you justify to me that you were
in mid-air, Nick?

You know when you put just
a few things in a washing machine

and it's going round quite slow.
They sort of... there is a moment

where they sort of suspend, as it's
kind of...

Yes, of course they are
technically in mid-air,

so that's what you were hoping
for. The way I interpreted it...
Yes.

..was I was watching a father of
three rammed into some tyres

being pushed into some baked
bean cans. I was very tyre-d.

OK, here is Nick dramatically in
mid-air.

LAUGHTER

I mean you arguably could,
couldn't be less mid-air.

Whose can we see next?
Jilted Joanne.

I think you might be back in
the game.

Taskmaster's proving
to me that I have the creativity of

a wheelie bin.

So, this is a jilted bride on her
wedding day.

She's just found out her husband's
riding the nanny.

Did you say why she's wearing
an eye-patch?

She's just had laser,
she's just had laser eye.

ALEX: And that's for the wedding?

On the way to the wedding.

God, she's had a bad day, hasn't he?
Exactly.

It's a hell of an image.

If you want to see the rest of their
mid-air pictures, you're gonna have

to come back promptly,
and if you're off for a poo,

do factor-in the wipe, you never

factor-in wipe time. Go on, off you
pop.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to another

life-affirming episode of Taskmaster.

We're part way seeing some dramatic
mid-air pictures, aren't we, Alex?

Oh, we sure are, and Nick rolled
around in some tyres.

The next picture is the one taken by
Sophie in mid-air.

I mean, I cannot wait.

APPLAUSE

Was it another shed panic,
did you run into...? No, no,

I planned this. I've been wanting
to get him in that pigeon head from

the moment I saw him.

People do, people do. Yeah.

And how nice for once that it's

the pigeons themselves that are
covered in sh*t.

All right, who's next?

Do you want to see Robins
in flight?

Please.

Bloody hell. NICK: That's great.

That's good.

ALEX: He's been shot out of the
cannon.

He's going towards
the little bucket of fire.

No eye-patch, though.

LAUGHTER

Did you get in a cannon?

Yes.

You really want this, don't you?

Well, I mean, look at the air.

Look at the air I've got,
I'm pleased with that.

You've got nice air.
You've got a bucket of fire.

You've got a pretend cannon

and you've got that prick.
There's a lot there.

Who's next? The final one -

have a look at Steve Pemberton
in mid-air.

STEVE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Oh, it's a failed parachute.

It's a failed parachute.

I like the cut rope, that's drama.
Yes.

This captures the
moment of realisation

that he's going to splat.

SOPHIE: Oh.

STEVE: And you see the, the G-force?

I hoped that they would've painted
out the elastic band, which...

You would hope they would've
made it look like

you were in mid-air as well.

LAUGHTER

I'll put all five up for you, Greg,

and then you can work out which is
the most dramatic mid-air picture.

Oh, Christ. There they are.
OK, well, let's...

..let's deal with Nick first of all.

Right, of course, of course.

LAUGHING: OK.

It looks like a completely
different task.

Well, I'm gonna give you one point
for that. Thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you.

And then there's got to be a jump up.

I'm gonna give John,

Joanne and Steve four points.

But I'm gonna give that insane

pigeon madness five.

I don't know why, I just think it's
the most dramatic

because possibly,

because I'm worried about her state
of mind.

But that's, that's the way I'm
scoring it. Four, four, four, five.

APPLAUSE

Let's try and squeeze another one in,
shall we?

Ooh, er, vicar, isn't it?

One more, then, and it's a tie.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, Joanne. Hi, Alex.

Wanna have a little lie down?

Ooh.

Hello.

Hello. Oh, hello. Make
yourself comfortable.

I shall.

Oh, lovely.

Just nice to have a lay down,
isn't it?

Ah, OK.

I'm quite TIE-red.

There goes the task, shall
I get it now?

Can you reach? Yeah.

Ah,

and I've got a tie as a bonus.

Ah, this is nice.

JOANNE: Tie yourself to the bed.

Most tied-up person wins.

You must be
horizontal whilst in the lab.

If you pull down

the terrible tie, you are
disqualified.

Oh, how do I know which is
the terrible tie?

Oh, you'll know.

Your time starts now.

Is, is...

..is going up like that horizontal?

Going up like what? Like that.

Ooh, no, that's not horizontal.
Is that horizontal?

No!

So this is horizontal.
That's horizontal.

So I need something to help
me access.

Just out of reach, Alex.

How the f*ck do I take them down?

I sometimes wonder whether you knew
that the,

what the show was that you were
signing up to.

They said the less you watched it,
the better. That's what they said.

They say that to everyone.

You do fairly
regularly seem incredulous

about being asked to do things.

Let's just have a look at it.

OK, well, we're gonna start
with J&J -

no, not the American multi-national
pharmaceutical and medical
technologies corporation -

it's Joanne and John.

Can I levit...? I can't...
I'd have to levitate myself up.

Uh, if you could levitate
horizontally, that'd be perfect.

This is a bad idea.
That's not a good idea.

Don't hit yourself in the face
with a buckle.

What do you need?

I need the ties. Yeah.

I obviously c... Oh, no, thank you.

Ah, for God's sake.

Ah, thank God.

Here we go.

Doesn't look terrible to me.

This is real '80s dad vibes,
isn't it?

Is that tied to the bed?

Yeah. Oh, no.

Some of the ties seem
to have prayers on them, Alex.

Is it a prayer?

Why do you think it's a prayer, John?

What else are you going
on write on a tie?

Oh, it's Welsh.

HE READS WELSH

This is something from like
a really low-end brothel, isn't it?

Hate the low-end ones.

At what point are you gonna start
tying yourself together?

Maybe I'll make a start.

It's kind of like
a survival course but I,

I'd actually rather drink
a jar of piss than do this.

Right, I'll put that down.
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Ah, this is good.

I don't know why I stayed
the wrong way round for so long!

LAUGHTER

Right, you have still got one minute.

Is that the terrible tie?

SHE ATTEMPTS TO READ WELSH

You've got 20 seconds.

This better not be some snuff
movie, now.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Two on the head and one
on the wrist, is it?

OK, I'm just gonna just check on the,

on the ties.

You're so mean! Yes, it's tied.

The rest are good, Joanne.

Thanks, John, you seem pretty
tied up.

HE LAUGHS
This is actually quite tight.

I'll be in my dressing room if
anyone needs me.

Right.

I'm so sorry that I can't give extra
points for the,

for your exit.

Cos it was really impressive.

They didn't stop me,
no-one said they'd untie me.

At one point, you announced that
the experience,

uh, was like a low-end brothel.

Yeah. And, uh, at the time you were

a woman tied to a camp bed
with one tie.

A lazy brothel of middle-aged
men, yeah.

Uh, but she did well.
She got a lot of ties on.

Yeah, she tied herself up
with 15 ties.

Uh, John was two on the hands,
one on the wrist,

and then ten ties all tied together

to make one long tie rope, which
went round his middle and his chest.

Good. Who's next?

OK, now it's for
a tie between Bolton and Leeds.

Oh. It's Sophie and Nick.

I'm just gonna strategise
here first.

OK, how long are you gonna
strategise for?

Um, just...

..just a second.

I thi...I'm, I'm done.

Whilst in the lab, you
must be horizontal.

So does that mean that
my sort of back

has to be parallel to the floor?

Exactly that. But I could be
on all fours, couldn't I?

So that's allowed, isn't it?

That's horizontal.

There's something I've
missed, isn't there?

Because this is what you kind of...

..you know, it's usually how it
works, isn't it?

There's something I've missed in
the room.

It didn't say I need to use
a tie to tie myself to the bed.

That was the trick,
whilst in this room.

I've got it, I know what I'm doing.

Make sure you're horizontal.

I'm, I am. Quite a,

quite a fall there, so be careful.
Ooh, yeah.

Horizontal, but then as soon as
I've left,

I can actually be any...

How long have I got, Greg?

Pardon? Uh, Alex.

No-one's ever called me Greg before.

Ever, in the whole show?

Ever, in the whole show,
I've been waiting. Thank you.

Right.

Hello.

Ah, right.

Oh.

Uh, sugar. Um...

I've got a lot of rope
and no way of doing it.

Feel like there's something
I've not got right here.

Tie yourself to the bed.

You've gotta be horizontal whilst in
the lab.

Whilst in the lab?

I can't get out, out now.

You've got three and a half minutes.

And I don't,

but I don't know what this is
gaining me.

Um...

I don't think I've done this
one right.

LAUGHTER

One minute left.

Yeah.

Thread it through.
Thread it through.

Are you threading it through?

Yeah. Through the bed and over me,

so there's no way
I'm not roped in here.

Works quite well, actually.

One minute left.
Right. Oh, God, quick.

Yeah.

SHE SIGHS, WHISTLE BLOWS

No. Um...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, so close.

So you're still tied to the bed?

Very much,
I mean, it's a very efficient tie.

Yeah, too efficient, really.

Ah.

There we go.

Bye then, Nick.

See you later, Alex.

I'll get the door, don't worry.

Yeah.

No, I am stuck now, I think.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My favourite moment of both of those

is just hearing
Nick's little voice say,

"I don't think I've
done this one well."

You can't actually see my face at
that point,

but I was crying.

I was actually crying.

Talk me through the strategy.
It was quite good, I thought.

I don't think I had one, really.

You went and got a rope.
I did. Just crawled about

and got a rope and tied myself up.

Well, don't talk yourself down,
you saw what Nick was doing.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nick, what was going through your
mind when you were

crawling around on the floor with a
camp bed strapped to your back?

I felt like a wood louse
that had inverted itself

and just couldn't get back. Once I,

once I flipped, I just couldn't,
there was nothing I could do. No!

Yeah. But what I'm interested in is
why did you flip?

Yeah, well, it's a good question.
Yeah, yeah.

That's another part done,

join us for part four,

when one lucky winner has
to look happy onstage with

a deflated Che Guevara balloon.

This is primetime, baby.

They can't take the BAFTA off us now!

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the last part of the show

and there is a tricky tie task
which needs completing.

That's right, Greg, they're trying

to tie themselves up as best as
possible, while lying horizontally.

But if during the process they
pull down

the terrible tie, it's all over.

Finally, a man perhaps best known

for his role as Mattis in Free
Jimmy,

the 2006 animation which
also starred Woody Harrelson,

it's Steve Pemberton.

Oh, now you're talking.

I want to higher the bed.

So if I come off here.

I thought there'd be a way
to screw, ah, bollocks.

Is this the horrible one?

Ah, it's something in Welsh.

Come on!

This is like sort of hook-a-duck
but with ties

and lying down.

I want different body
parts involved.

Oh, thank you, God.

The tie gods are shining down on me.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Oh!

Ah.

I can't keep up with
the number of ties

the tie gods are giving me.

It's a whole TIE-rade!

Oh.



OK, I think I'm done.
I'll enjoy it now.

Five seconds left. OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS
If you could leave the lab now,

that'd be great.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
ALEX: We left him there.

He was so violent with
the mechanism,

he whacked it and he put it off at
an angle, so they couldn't,

they had nowhere to go
but fall on top of Steve.

And he tied 28 ties. AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Attached himself to the bed.

Each of his fingers was tied up.
GREG WHISTLES

Individual fingers,
mouth, head, pelvis.

Not through the pelvic bone but...
No. No.

I mean, do you wanna win or not?

Um, let's talk about this,

uh, Welsh tie business.
They weren't prayers.

No, they were my family mottos.

There's the green one - that's
the one that Joanne got

and obviously that says, uh,

"Know what you want and
have the confidence to go after it."

That's what I wore on my stag night.

Nice.

Joanne and John both got
the yellow one down.

"Don't watch the clock - do what
it does. Keep going."

I wore that on my wedding day.

Uh, purple, Steve got the purple
one.

Which says, "Whoever is happy will
make others happy too."

And then the red tie of course, uh,

my dad's tie which says,
"This is the terrible tie."

And that was brought down by
Mr Steve Pemberton.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Of all the ties to rain down on me.

Poor Steve is out.

I liked Sophie's attempt

and I thought the rope was
impressive, so I'm going to reward
it.

Woo. Most tied-up person wins.

She was the most tied-up person.

Yes. And then we'll do it according
to the amount of ties.

That were used. OK, well it's two
points to Nick,

three to John, four to Joanne,

five points to Sophie Willan!

Can we have a look at the scores?

Yes, Sophie's got
a chance of winning,

she's on 15,
John is on the top with 16 points.

Wow, still ahead.

APPLAUSE

She's in with a shot.

All right, well, here we are.

Make your way to the stage,

final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

What's cooking, good-looking?

Who's reading the task out?

Uh, I think Steve Pemberton's
going to read this one out.

Is he? Oh, yes.

Park a vehicle in the parking bay.

Your vehicle must be rolled whilst
standing on the spot,

and the worst parker each round,
is eliminated.

It's a parking challenge.

We have four parking bays there.

So in round one, you've gotta
try to park one of these vehicles

in parking space number one.

So you can now write down what order

you want to park your vehicles.

As always happens
in this show, Greg,

the person in the lead goes first.

On this occasion it's John.
So, John, you have selected the car.

Yeah. You must stay on
the gold circle.

You're aiming for parking bay
number one.

John, park that car.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.
APPLAUSE

Not a bad start.

He's popped into two.
LAUGHTER

Right, it's Sophie next.

Bring your little version
of yourself with you.

That's lovely.
LAUGHTER

No. No, it's gone too far, f*ck!

APPLAUSE
Not too bad, it's not a disaster.

It, it is a bit, let's be honest.

It's not great.

Nick, you're up next. I'm third.

And you've selected the buggy.

Yes. You've just, you can
just slot your little legs.

My own or...? Well, either's fine.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Very clever.

He's definitely made it through
to round two, I can tell you that.

Yeah, well done.

OK, Joanne McNally,
you're up next. OK.

You have chosen the horse. Yeah.

Oh, ooh. Go on!

It's safe,
she is safely through. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Right, finally it's Steve Pemberton.

What have you selected first
of all?

I've selected the trolley.

OK.

Yeah. Ooh.

Is it enough? Let's have a look.

Arguably, Sophie's only chance at
winning an episode...

..has just been dashed against
the rocks.

Fine.

Unfortunately, Sophie, you've been
eliminated in round one.

Have I? And I must...

..I must take small
Sophie away from you.

No. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Oh. Sit on the bench of shame.

Sit on the what?
The bench of shame.

Right, round two. It is sad.
John, you're up first.

You've picked the trolley,
so if you wanna mount the trolley.

This is aiming for number two,
of course.

Gosh, yeah. Oh.

It's hard to get the balance right
with that trolley.

Yeah.

Parking bay two.

Nick also with the trolley.

Oh, God. Confident.

Bold. My, God. Oh!

APPLAUSE

That was electric.

Joanne, you've selected the car.

And do you remember what happened
the first time the car was used?

It went too far.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna win, Alex.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE MEMBER SCREAMS

Ah.

I f*cked up. AUDIENCE: Aw.

JOHN: I've gotta say, despite
being in the drop zone,

I didn't wanna see that.

Steve, you're up.
What have you chosen?

I've chosen the buggy.

You step on that board I'm
gonna come up there like a windmill.

Oh, that's lovely.
This is looking good.

Yeah, that is lovely.

Woo!
APPLAUSE

And that is how you park a child.

Joanne's out. Tragic.

OK, it's the penultimate round.

John Robins, again, up first.
Picked the horse.

So, John, you're aiming for parking
bay number three, of course.

OK.

Oh, my God.

It's very level, it's very level.

OK it's, uh, Nick Mohammed,
what are you going with?

I'm going with horse as well.

Oh, really,
well you've seen how to do it.

Good luck, Nick.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

I think I'm out.

Well, there's still Steve, he just
needs to not do that.

The slightest shove will do it,
Steve. What have you picked?

I've got horse as well.
John, any advice on the horse?

Just whack it right off the end.

Whack it.

Ooh. Really good.

Oh, good stuff. You've made it
through to round three, well done.

APPLAUSE

Greg, I'm afraid we have
to say goodbye to Nick Mohammed.

APPLAUSE

OK, so it's Pemberton versus Robins,

and it's been a theme of
the series so far.

In the final round, you both push at
the same time.

Oh, a twist!

Yes. Oh, my God.

This to the glue factory now?

Get in your vehicles, guys.

Clear the Knappett.

Oh, that's lovely to see.

APPLAUSE

So you must roll on the whistle.

I am genuinely excited.

Three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Ooh.

Oh, my God.

Pemberton!

Pemberton takes it!

That is classic Pemberton.
LAUGHTER

Well done, we'll add that to your
final scores,

come down and join me, well done.

APPLAUSE

Tell you what, Pemberton can park.

It's not me, it's the little guy.

I have totted-up the scores now,
Greg,

and those five points for
Pemberton...

..have very little bearing on
the final scores because

the third episode in a row
has been won

by Mr John Robins!

Oh, gosh.

APPLAUSE

John Robins wins!

Please pick up your
extraordinary pictures!

So, what have we learnt from
today's show?

Well, we all know that life has its
ups and its downs.

Everybody has their struggles,

but whatever you've been through,

whatever you're going through,
do remember...

..things could always be worse.

LAUGHTER

That's us halfway through the series

and this is your champion of
the night, Mr John Robins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE