03x06 - Never Have I Ever

[bunniefuu]

- Get ready for a Game Changer.

[upbeat music]

Tonight's guests, a gust of wind

on a hot summer day it's Jessica Clemons!

You can just make him out through the fog.

It's Ryan Creamer!

Music playing on a boombox on a beach day.

It's Lily Du.

And my seasonal allergies.

It's Mike Trapp!

[Mike sneezes]

And your host,

me, I've been here the whole time.

This is Game Changer.

The only game show where
the game changes every show.

I am your host Sam Reich.

I am joined today

by these four, count them,
four lovely contestants.

Now you all understand how the game works?

- [Everyone] No.

- That's right.

Our players have no idea what game it is

they're about to play.

The only way to learn is by playing.

The only way to win is by learning.

And the only way to begin is by beginning.

So without further ado, let's begin.

Players, we're going to play my version

of never have I ever.

Now, you've all shared with me

some remarkable anecdotes about yourself

that I don't think many people know.

See if you can guess which
one of your fellow players

the following statements are true about

but, it's mafia rules.

So if it's true about
you, adamantly deny it.

And if you know that it's
true about someone else,

it may be in your best interest

to throw other people off the scent.

Number one, never have I ever,

owned a pet duck.

- Yeah, I'm going to hop into
some like real mafia level

playing right now because
just from seeing it

and just seeing people's faces,

I think the way Trapp reacted to it

was the face of someone who's like,

this is mine and I have to play it.

[everyone laughs]

- I was breathing in because
I had a question because

the phrasing of Sam's...

- Trapp, how come I
see your lips flapping,

but I only hear quacking
sounds coming out.

[everyone laughing]

- I actually didn't have
a lot of pets growing up,

because my dad was in the military,

we moved around so much that we didn't...

- Yeah, but doesn't that mean

that there's even more likelihood

at one point you lived
at a place with a duck?

- I think Jess has been very quiet,

but you can't read anything into that.

You know?

- Jess, where are you from?

- I'm from a very duck heavy place.

I'm from Seattle, Washington.

- I'm from Duckberg.

- I'm from Duck Town, USA.

I've always lived in apartments,

so you can't even have like a cat.

- Hmm.
[Jessica laughs]

- I feel like black moms are also like,

don't bring a duck in my f*cking house.

[laughing]

- Always saying that.

- I'm leaning towards f*cking Ryan.

- Yeah, all right.

Well, here's how I'll defend myself.

I don't know anything about ducks.

I don't know what they eat.

I don't know where they need to sleep.

I truly know nothing about ducks.

- You never went to a
park and fed it bread?

- Okay, that's the only thing

that I know that ducks eat.
[laughing]

- Oh, now the stories change.

- I'm going to stop here.

Everybody write down who
you think owned a pet duck

on your sheet of paper.

Would the person who owned
a duck, please take a drink.

[piano riff]

[everyone screaming]

- My brother and I both had pet ducks

and Jess, we were in Washington
when we owned our pet ducks

it is a duck heavy place.

Mine is the darker one and my
brother's is the white one.

And they mostly just sort of waddled

around the yard and ate the slugs.

- Next question.

Never have I ever been a carni.

- Jess is really mysterious to me.

So anything could be possible.

- Strong carni energy.

- I was gonna say, I think this is Lily.

Cause I feel like Lily, you do
like gymnast yoga type stuff.

- I used to do Chinese folk dance.

- You can do that at my
carnivals in my hometown.

There was always Irish line days.

- You have carnivals in your hometown.

[laughing]

- Ducks and carnivals.

- I feel like Ryan,

I can imagine you being a
teen running the tilt-a-whirl

for a bunch of pre-teens.

- Listen, I know we're
supposed to defend ourselves,

but I totally see it too.

[everyone laughs]

- Go ahead and write
down your answers, folks.

Who do you think it is?

Would the person who's been a carni,

please take a drink.

[Sam laughing]
[everyone screaming]

- Let's go!

- Wow!

[laughing]

- When I was 16, and
the carnival was hiring

and I was hired as the cotton candy lady.

- [gasps] So cute.
- [Mike] Nice,

spinning the old thing.

- Players, never have I ever
had differently-sized pupils?

- Everyone gets their eyes in close.

- Let me look them up.

- You're not a contestant
in here too, are you?

- Only because you've said so,

I will say that I've
snuck in a few prompts

about me just to keep things interesting.

- Okay, all right.

All right.

Now...
- Trapp knows

this is about Sam.

- From the twisted mind of Sam

[laughing]

- Hey Sam, open wide.

- Differently sized pupils to
me implies concussion, maybe.

- I have an astigmatism.

That's different.

Who's being furtive about their eyeballs?

- Yeah, Sam is.

- Just because they're
tucked behind these frames?

- [Mike] Yeah.

That's pupil spottin'
territory right there.

- Yeah, those are twin
pupils if I ever saw.

- I'm going to ask everyone
to write down their answers.

Would the person this is true
about, please take a sip.

[piano riff]

- Yes!

I knew it you monster.
[Jess laughing]

- I do think it's head injury related.

I got lots of head injuries
at a point in my life.

- Why do you have so many head injuries?

- Just being stupid, like
running into poles and stuff.

[laughing]

- I love running into poles

as this thing
[laughing]

we used to do as kids.

Players, never have I ever
been bitten by a shark.

- Jess.

- Lily or,

Washington state doesn't have sharks.

[laughing]

I feel like this is you Sam.

I feel like this is a weird, crazy thing

but then I'm also like, I'm going too big.

I'm like, oh yeah, a
great white that's insane.

But you probably were just bit by like...

- Some puny little shark
and I'm bragging about it?

- You were in a zoo.

And you were in like the kiddy little one,

where you can put your fingers
in and you got like snipped

by like a goldfish.

[laughing]

- Okay, what about Trapp?

Trapp moved around a lot,

so high chance he encountered a shark.

- Like LA, honestly,

would probably be the
most shark infested place

that I've lived.

- Chinese parents, they're
not bringing me to the beach.

- [Jessica] God, this is f*cking hard.

- You can't always blame
it on Chinese parents.

- Chinese parents, don't come at me.

[laughing]

- [Jessica] Oh my god.

- Time to write down our answers, folks.

Will the person who this
is true about take a drink.

- Son of a bi-

No, no!

Trapp!

- But actually, Jess was closest

to the truth of what this was.

It wasn't a huge, great white.

It was like a dogfish shark.

So probably about the length

of your forearm or so.

And it was actually at Disney World,

as an attraction called Shark Street,

and you can rent snorkels.

I don't know exactly what
happened or how it happened,

but one of the sharks bit my arm,

we got it cleaned up.

But for like a month, you could
see individual tooth marks

on my wrist,

and like you could make out
like the shape of a mouth.

- At least you didn't run into any poles.

- Yeah.
[Mike and Ryan laugh]

- Players, never have I ever,

worked as a hand model.

- Let me see them nails.

- Show me your hand.

- No universe.

- Let me see them nails, go like this,

like a little kitten.

- Yeah.

- Jess, go like this.

- Oh dude, I don't show my hands,

cause they're actually really gross.

[Ryan laughs]
- Hmm,

you don't show your hands.
- [Ryan] Whoa!

- I know, I know.

- I would wager all of
my points that it's Lily.

I would put all of my points double down

and triple down that this is Lily.

- Frankly, I'm a little insulted,

that Ryan thinks my hands are so hideous.

- You have nasty a*s hands.

- Yeah, I don't even suspect

Trapp's nasty little troll hands.

[Ryan laughs]
- [Jessica] Damn.

- It's not me, you all can see my hands.

They're very normal.

And I have a scar right here.

- Everybody write down your answers.

Would whoever this is true
about, please take a drink.

- Trapp, ugh!

[Sam laughs]

- [Jessica] Boom baby!

- It was like an ongoing
Samsung campaign ad

for their like new Galaxy.

And it just meant constantly
getting different manicures

and getting fake nails glued on

and getting them taken off.

- Never have I ever
went to Photoshop camp.

- That is so cute.
- That is so funny.

- Oh my God, that's Ryan.

[laughing]
- [Jessica] That's so funny.

- Who's good at Photoshop?

- I really wish that Sam didn't
say he's in one of these.

Cause every f*cking one I'm like,

this is probably the Sam one.

- Now, how do Chinese
parents feel about Photoshop?

[everyone laughs]

- I am going to ask you to go ahead

and write down your answers.

Would the person this is true
about, please take a sip.

- Sam, no!

[Ryan laughing]

- Ohh!

Three out of four.

- Sam, that is like you

put a hit out on me.

That is an absolute clue

that everybody could have been
like, yeah, Ryan probably.

- My overzealous parents put me

for about six week Photoshop program.

These skills still come in handy.

Particularly when I'm rearranging
slides for this game show.

[Ryan laughs]

- Yeah, I can see the
graphic design at work.

[Ryan and Sam laugh]

- Yes.

Players, never have I ever,

dug up a human skeleton?

What!

- That's perverted.

- Okay, hear me out.

I know that there's a lot
of murders in Washington.

[Mike and Ryan laughing]

Who's to say this isn't like
on a Law and Order SVU set.

- Yeah.

Like a set or...

- You got a gig doing something
at a carnival [laughs].

- So you?

[everyone laughing]

- I know there's a lot of murders

in Washington at carnivals,

but don't look at me.

[laughing]

- In that case,

everyone write down your answers.

Will the person that this is true about,

please take a sip.

- Yes!

[laughing]

I knew he was the little
freak for dead bodies.

- I guessed Jess.

- I guessed Ryan.

[everyone laughing]

- Just going at each other.

- Like Batman and Robin.

- I was an Anthro major

and I was early in my college career,

I was trying to figure out,

I don't know if this is
right for me yet still.

I think it's interesting,

but I really want to be sure that this,

it feels like a good career path.

So I finagled a way to
go on an archeology dig

and be like,

so can I like tag along
and learn how this works.

But the team I was on, we
did this little test pit

and we found a full human
skeleton in that test pit.

- That's insane.

- And what did you do with it?

- Ate it.

[everyone laughing]

- Players, never have I ever,

gotten a 1600 on my SATs.

- Brag, whoever that [laughs].

- Whoever thinks that's a fun fact.

- This is one of the rare ones

where everyone kind of
wants to be accused.

[laughing]

Oh yeah.

I actually think you're
the smartest person here.

- I feel like everyone

from CollegeHumor went
to pretty good schools.

- You went to Evergreen, right?

- And I didn't have to
take SATs to get in.

- Yeah, but you could have to...

- Why would I have done that?

That's too hard.

- Ryan went to prep school.

- Yeah, but I got so many concussions.

- Go ahead and write
down your answers, folks.

Would the person this is true about,

please take a drink.

- Ah!

- Whoa!

- [Sam] No doubt in anyone's mind!

- That is a big loser.

- Aw, congrats.

- Players, things in round two

are going to get a little spicier.

- Ooh, we love spice.

- Who taught sex-ed as a teen?

[laughing]

- This is Ryan.

- Jess, don't act ever like there's logic

behind you saying my name.

[everyone laughing]

- That is true.

- You are just locked in on me.

- Ryan, if not you, then who?

- As a teenager,

this just feels like a
weird circumstance, period.

Like, I don't know

of any teenagers that I
know who taught classes.

- I'm looking at Sam a little bit.

- I could see Sam in like
a reverse 22 Jump Street.

He's like a child substitute teacher.

- I'm 17-year-old Sam, I just
dropped out of high school.

I'm going to teach you about the birds

and the f*cking bees.

[laughing]

- And I'm also looking a bit, Jess,

like I just imagine Washington

being much more permissive of...

- Hey, I will claim Washington

- [Lily] Chinese parents...
- for every other thing.

- Sure there's a lot of murders,

sure there's a lot of carnis.

But, progressive...

- Lily, any word from you?

- Chinese parents would
never let me talk about that.

[Ryan laughing]

- Players, write down your answers,

will the person that this is true about,

please take a drink.

[laughing]

- Woah!

- When I learned sex-ed.

I learned it in middle school

from a peer education
troupe called teen council

with Planned Parenthood

and all throughout high school I taught.

- Do you always have safe sex now?

- Tim from teen council, I have safe sex.

[laughing]

- Players, never have I ever slept

with the best man or maid of honor

at the first two weddings I ever went to.

- Wait, so this is two
separate occurrences?

[Jess laughing]
- This is two

separate occurrences.

- Okay.

So we know that Jess knows a lot

about safe sex, respectful relationships.

- You know what?

I'll take credit for this one [laughing].

- But I would argue that
it's not being respectful

of relationships to sleep
with a [laughing]...

- When did people start
going to weddings, as a kid?

- Yeah.

I hooked up with a maid
of honor when I was 12.

- Ew Ryan,
[everyone laughing]

you wild.

- The first wedding that I
went to was with my family.

- And Chinese parents, you know.

- Yeah, Chinese parents.

- Players, write down your answers.

Would the person that this is true about,

please take a sip.

[piano riff]

[laughing]

- Whoa!

- It was over like spring break

while I was in college or something.

And I had just flown in that day

and it was a destination wedding

of a family friend

in Tulum, Mexico or something.

And so my parents got tired really easily

and just went to bed
and then I stayed out.

It was a poor decision.

- And one that I only made one more time.

[everyone laughing]

- The other one was great,
we're still friends.

- Man, really cool of
everyone to just play it cool

and not put my name, cause I
know everyone really wanted to.

- Jess put your name.

- Don't give me credit for that

[everyone laughing]
No, no, no.

- Players, never have I
ever had my first kiss

after high school.

- I'm gonna say that's Ryan.

[everyone laughing]

- I'll write it down.

I'll write it down.

- Hold the f*ck on.

[everyone laughing]

This is f*cking bullshit.

- Doesn't have the 1600,

he definitely ran into a bunch of poles,

he's not a player.

- I had my first kiss
junior year of high school

after a retreat that I went on.

I would never tell that truth

if it wasn't that f*cking embarrassing.

So, why would I make that up?

That is when I had my first kiss.

I would put down Sam, Mike
and me for this though.

Cause we all looked like m*therf*ckers

who'd never kissed someone
until after high school.

- Excuse me, speak for yourself,

you little concussion freak.
- Ryan,

you're being very
defensive here [laughing].

- I'll have you know,

I've been wearing this
suit since I was 14.

[laughing]

The ladies love it.

- Let's not forget me.

My first kiss could have
been at that wedding.

- That's true, and Jess,

who's the name of your first kiss?

- His name is...

- Never been kissed.

- No, I have been, I promise.

I'm not lying.

I'm not Ryan.

- Everybody write down your answers.

If this is true about
you, please take a sip.

[everyone laughing]

- Everybody thought that was Sam.

- Yeah, I hella thought it was Sam.

- Oh, snap!

- I wasn't allowed to date in high school.

That's why I went crazy in college.

- Players, never have I ever
planned a streaking event.

- Okay.

- That's some boy sh*t.

- Yeah, it is some boy sh*t

- Weren't you in a fraternity, Trapp?

- Weren't you in a fraternity?

- No, Fordham was a Jesuit
institution, no Greek life.

- Ooh, okay.

- But didn't you go to
a boys' high school?

- I did, but it was an all boys school.

So, there was the...

- Who's hornier?

Drama nerds, all boys schools or drugs

or fraternities?
[Ryan laughing]

- Players, go ahead and write
down your answers, folks.

Would the person that this is true about,

please take a sip.

- I knew it.

- Yes!

- It wasn't a frat thing.

It was just a sort of

like a graduation bucket list,

like last hoorah thing.

So there's this one tradition

called the Ledyard
challenge, which is where,

so the campus is situated
on the Connecticut river,

which is the dividing line

between New Hampshire and Vermont.

And the challenge is that you
swim naked across the river.

But the thing is,

public nudity is actually
legal in Vermont.

So there are all these stories

of people who would try to
complete the Ledyard challenge

and they like swim across
there, get to the other side

and then realize that the New
Hampshire police were waiting

for them on the other side.
[everyone laughing]

- Never have I ever been
a dom or dominatrix.

- Sam.

- I mean, you know,

clearly I've fetishized the boss position.

[laughing]

- And he did have his first
kiss before high school.

[laughing]

- Hmm.

- A lot of people are going

to want to write my name right now.

And I just want to let you
know that that is okay to do.

[laughing]

- Ryan, you a sub.

[everyone laughing]

- I feel like this has a
strong Lily energy about it,

but I also...

- I'm a sub, not a dom.

- Big Lily energy.

- Jess is the sex ed teacher.

- I'll call it, write down your answers

to who you think has
been a dom or dominatrix.

Would the person that this is
true about, please take a sip

- Oh wait, that's me.

[laughing]

- Jess!

You were trained
professionally and practiced.

I have a few friends that are
like pretty good porn stars.

And so they were like, oh,

you should try come
and do a class with us.

And I was like, sure.

And I went and it was really fun.

And like it's very consensual
and everything's very healthy.

And there's a lot of questions being asked

and you set me up as a
person that's informative

and loves explaining sex to people.

I was like, this is a great
thing for me to be like,

this is consent, let's talk about it.

- Jess, I love that.

- I love it.

Never have I ever,

been briefly in a throuple.

- Ryan.

- I know about as much as
throuples as I did about ducks.

So I am,

[laughing]

I know you can throw them bread.

That's the only thing that I know.

- Whoever this is, I'm about
to have my mind rocked.

- Players, write down your answers.

Would the person, that this is true about,

please take a sip.

- Ahh, yes!

[laughing]

- Delicious.

- When in doubt, go with Jess.

[Sam laughing]

- When in doubt, go with Ryan.

[laughing]

Go with Ryan, baby.

- I will not say a lot about this

in order to protect the
privacy of folks involved,

but it was one summer and
I'll tell you something.

It did not work out.

[everyone laughing]

- Players, never have I ever,

signed up for the no booze
or drugs dorm in college.

- Well, I wonder who's going
to pick me for this one.

[everyone laughing]

- Yeah, Ryan purposefully drinking

out of a red solo cup to throw us off.

- Could be, hey, I don't know,

what the f*ck.

No dude, no.

- We all know who it is.

- There's nothing I can say.

I'm going to get pinned for
the lamest f*cking ones.

It does not matter.

[laughing]

- Write down your answers

[laughing]
please contestants.

Would the person that this is true about,

please take a sip.

- All right, it's true.

Okay, it's true.

- I'm sorry Ryan, I'm sorry.

- The one point I've
gotten in a long time,

it finally happened.

[Ryan and Jess laughing]

- Also, aren't all dorms no
booze or drugs, technically?

- So this one, you had to write
an essay pledging your like-

[laughing]

- Ryan, why did you
choose this for yourself?

- Well, I didn't drink in high school,

and to be honest I was very afraid of it.

- [Jessica] Aw, baby.

- So when I was signing up for colleges,

I know I was a little baby.

So it ended up being good

because a lot of the kids that went

to the dorm were kids that
were like afraid of it

but ended up just kind
of drinking together.

And it was their kind of intro to it.

But I was definitely,
- [Sam] Nice, that's sweet.

- I was just a loser, a big loser.

- Never have I ever,
spent the night in jail.

- I wonder if this is the actions

of a man who spent his
youth running into poles.

[Sam laughing]

- I feel like a lot of
people have done it just

from protests and things like that.

- Time to out people, who
hasn't gone to protest?

[laughing]

Who's not going, huh?

Who's not going out?

- The real question is who
hasn't spent the night in jail?

- Yeah, what's up guys?

- All right.

Take your best guess.

Would the person that this is true about,

please take a sip.

- There's those polls.

There's that poll.

- Ryan.

- I do like that this is
set up in a way that's like,

oh this is an off game move for Ryan.

But when I explain it,

it's going to be the most on game thing.

[laughing]

I worked in a summer in Detroit

with a Methodist church,
doing service trip stuff.

One night, one of the guys said

do you want to go pray for
people in the hospital?

So, we biked over to the hospital

and we walked around trying to go

into rooms to pray for people.

And it turns out you have to
have a chaplain to do that

because we were accused of
stealing and being high.

And we were thrown into
jail for the night.

[laughing]

- Wow.

- Ah!

- I like that you were so high on Christ

that they were like, these f*ck.

- [Jessica] Get that
mother f*ck in there!

- This is weird.

- Didn't know you can go
to jail for being a virgin.

[laughing]

- Never have I ever,

done acid and went on a
bunch of roller coasters.

[laughing]

- Well, we know Jess is a carni.

- That was like my favorite past time.

- Ryan, if you did this,
it'll blow my mind.

- I have never done acid.

- Jess, have you done acid?

- But I didn't go on
f*cking roller coaster.

That's insane.

Lily have you done acid?

- Yeah, and it was bad.

- At least we're honest.

- I have not.

But I think Sam has.

- I have done acid and I hate theme parks.

- But do you hate them
when you're on acid?

[everyone laughing]

- Go ahead and write down your answers.

Will the person,

that this is true about,
please take a sip.

[everyone laughing]

- You would try some sh*t like that.

You wild.

[everyone laughing]

- So we went to Amsterdam.

We had a day where we went to Efteling,

which is kind of like
Amsterdam, Six Flags.

- [Jessica] Oh my god, honey!

[laughing]

- You look like the Australian
I'm not gonna apologize

for partying kid.

[laughing]

- Yes, I'll stay off the roller coasters,

but I'm not taking off my glasses.

[laughing]

- Players, never have I ever,

gotten a butt tattoo.

- I'm going to lock in an answer now.

[laughing]

- I'm gonna lock my answer in,

I started writing as soon as it said it.

- I was just gonna say.

- I just am feeling a vibe.

- I know Trapp has tattoos.

- That's true.

- We all have butt tattoos.

Who are we trying to fool?

[laughing]

- I genuinely think it could
be absolutely any of us.

- I don't want to give
people too much information,

but I know your tattoo
and it's a Nintendo sign

and it's on your arm and that's it.

- Ryan, I hope you have a
My Little Pony cutie bark

on your butt.

[laughing]

- Will the person that this is true about,

please take a sip.

- Gulp, gulp.

[laughing]

- [Ryan] Let's ghost!

- [Lily] That's barely the a*s!

- If I twerk, it moves.

That's why it had to be on the cheek.

It can't be in my as*h*le.

[everyone laughing]

Here's the problem players, is,

we're down to our last question.

And Lily, I think, just
disclosed it to everyone.

- Never have I ever
- [Lily] Oh sh*t.

- [Sam] gotten a Nintendo 64 tattoo.

- Well, f*ck, we all got a point.

All got a point!

Oh, baby!

- That is dope as hell.

The scores at the end of our game,

Jess with seven

Ryan with nine

Lily with nine

and Trapp with ten.

That means you edge out
the competition by an inch.

And your prize is something
to help you sleep so soundly,

you'll forget who you are.

This beautiful weighted blanket,

- Ooh!
- [Sam] I have one here.

- Damn it!

[Mike laughing]

- Ah, beautiful!

That's it for us here at Game Changer.

I'm Sam Reich reminding you

that there is no corner of my heart,

I would not turn over to
the world for a good game.

[audience clapping]

Good night.

- Tell us more about that throuple?