03x08 - The Non-Garfield Show/What a Difference a Pet Makes

[bunniefuu]

-[Garfield snoring]
-[alarm rings]

[upbeat theme song playing]

-[Garfield] Hee!
-[remote clicks]

[dramatic music playing]

[bird chirping]

[cheerful music playing]

Another one. Another one. Another one.
Another one. Another one. Another one.

Another one. Another one. Another one.

Do you get the idea that I like hot dogs?
Another one.

I'm sorry, I'm all out of hot dogs.

[munching]

[Jon happily humming]

[sighing]

Here's your bill.

Here's my wallet.

[Garfield humming]

Garfield, I said we could stop
for a light snack.

Two hundred and forty-four hot dogs
is not a light snack.

They are if you leave off the chili.

[tires screeching]

[dance music playing]

Good afternoon, Mr. Edge.

I keep telling you, Joe, call me Tyler.

I'll have the usual.

[heavy breathing]

Did that man say he was Tyler Edge?

I didn't hear a word after,
"Sorry, I'm all out of hot dogs."

Here you go. One six-sausage sandwich.

Thanks.

Mr. Edge! Tyler. I don't have change
for a thousand-dollar bill.

Keep the change. Buy yourself a house.
[laughs]

Yeah!

That is Tyler Edge.

I didn't hear a word
after "six-sausage sandwich."

[Tyler chewing]

-Cartoonist, huh?
-[Garfield grunts]

What are you drawing?

Oh, nothing really. I'm kinda doodling,
looking for a new comic strip character.

You're Tyler Edge, aren't you?

I'm not Tyler Edge.

I'm
the
Tyler Edge.

[Jon laughs]

Tyler Edge, Tyler Edge…

Hmm. That name sounds familiar.

Odie, do you know who Tyler Edge is?
No, you never know anything. Wait here.

Huh?

-Hey!
-Sorry.

I need to borrow your computer
for a second.

Tyler Edge, Tyler Edge, Tyler Edge…

Ah, here we are.

[reporter]
Tyler Edge made his first zillion dollars

when he was years old.

He quickly built the world's largest
empire of video games,

cartoon shows, comic books,
and major motion pictures.

They call him the man who knows exactly
what today's young audiences want to buy.

Thanks. I just had to look that up.

The way you draw is kind of… interesting.
Tell you what… what's your name?

Jon Arbuckle.

No, not a good name.
But okay, tell you what.

Bring me a concept,
and if I think they'll go for it,

I'll make you a very rich man.

-[gasps]
-I'll give you one tip.

Draw and write what you know.

Oh!

[Garfield] Hmm.

Guys, this is the opportunity
of a lifetime.

I wanna go home and go to work.

Okay. But on the way home,
could we stop for more hot dogs?

I'm thinking maybe a college student…

who gets stung by a spider
and develops spider abilities!

Nah. No one would ever read
a comic book like that.

Jon is having this thing
called writer's block.

-Do you know what writer's block is, Odie?
-[Odie whines]

It's when you stare stupidly
at a blank page for days…

[raises voice]
…and forget to feed your adorable pets!

[Odie whining]

Ah! A gerbil! A crime-fighting gerbil!

No. No, a horse! And set in the Stone Age!

No, two horses and a sailor.

And the sailor's a robot! [laughs]

And they're all fish!

-And radioactive!
-[cuckoo sounds]

It's been done.

[sobbing] I'm a failure! A failure!

I can't come up with any new, fresh ideas!

Come on, Odie.
Let's give him a new, fresh idea.

[barks, whimpering]

Why, us, of course!

[crying]

Huh?

[party music playing]

Oh.

[laughing]

I get it. You think I should draw up
a comic about you guys.

The man is clear on the concept.

[Jon] Oh, it would never work.

A comic about a cat who eats lasagna
and sleeps all day?

And a dog with a long tongue?

[chuckles]
Who would ever be interested in that?

[Garfield panting]

[sighing]

[moaning]

If I took that idea to Tyler Edge,
he'd throw me right out of his--

I'll give you one tip.
Draw and write what you know.

[gasps] "What you know."

Ah.

[both exclaiming]

I could do a comic about a cat
who eats lasagna and sleeps.

-Yes!
-[barks]

And a puppy with a long tongue
that fetches sticks all the time!

-Yes!
-I could set it in the future.

-Make you both zombie penguins!
-[cups shatter]

-No!
-[growling]

[sighing] You're right.
No zombie penguins!

This is the greatest idea in the world.

[lively music playing]

-And I have so much material for it!
-[Garfield exclaims]

[Jon] Thank you for agreeing
to look at my idea. I hope you like it.

If I like it, the world will like it.
Lay it on me.

-[nervously laughing]
-[Garfield] Huh?

Well, it's about a fat orange cat.

Hey.

And there's a pea-brained puppy.

[buzzing]

Here are some drawings I did.

They're on paper.

Well, yeah, drawings are usually on paper.

I can't relate to paper, Arbuckle.
I have to see things animated.

-Let's go to my Animation Department.
-[Garfield] Huh?

-[Odie whining]
-[sighs]

Oh! You're going to have your team
of animators animate my comic strip?

That's fantastic!

Team of animators?

Don't be ridiculous.

[gasping]

[dramatic music playing]

We got rid of animators years ago.
It's all done by computers now.

Why pay people to sit and draw all day?

Can you believe it, guys?
You're going to be animated.

Us? Cartoon characters?

-Who would have thought?
-Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah!

We're working on creating
a solid hologram of a character,

but that's in the future.

[beeping]

Right now, it's building computer models
based on your drawings.

[upbeat music playing]

[gasps]

[electronic whirring]

All right. Done.

Now let's see what
an episode might look like.

[soft music playing]

[snoring]

[whining, barks]

No, I will not go throw the stick
so you can f--

-[buzzer sounds]
-Boring!

-I think it's pretty good.
-That's because you aren't me.

First thing,
the color of the cat is all wrong.

Huh? [gasps]

[Tyler] Maybe blue or beige or--
Hey, polka dots are popular.

I look like I have measles.

-Wait, wait, pink.
-[gasping]

Pink is very big this year.

I'm hearing they may even
make the sky pink.

Do you think Garfield should be pink--

I like it.

I like it.

[snarling]

Now we have to do something
about that voice of his.

[whirring]

I want some lasagna.

Eh, it doesn't fit him.
I'll try some different ones.

Here.

[beeping, whirring]

[in low-pitched voice]
I want some lasagna.

[in high-pitched voice]
I want some lasagna.

[in scholarly voice]
I want some lasagna.

[in scratchy voice]
I want some lasagna.

-[high-pitched voice]
-[giggles]

-[groaning]
-[in low voice]
I want some lasagna.

[scoffs]

But I know what we need!
A celebrity voice.

I thought I was a celebrity.

It's very popular these days.

Animated characters voiced by movie stars.

[in Schwarzenegger voice]
I'll be back for more lasagna.

I'm starting to really not like this.

Well, okay. Now, what about Odie?

I'm thinking let's lose the dog.

[in Schwarzenegger voice]
Hasta la vista, Odie.

-[whining]
-[groaning]

But… but Odie is
an important part of the idea.

Ah, nobody wants to see dogs.

How many hit cartoon shows can you name
that have a dog?

All of them.

For that matter,
I'm not so sure about a cat.

[Garfield gasps]

-[bleating]
-[Tyler] No.

-[elephant trumpets]
-No.

-[cow mooing]
-[Tyler] No.

[Tyler] I don't think so.

-[buzzer sounds]
-Wrong.

Definitely not.

Maybe a cat, but a different design.

Couldn't we just let Garfield be Garfield?

Wait. I have it! I have it, Arbuckle!

The most awesome today vision.

[Tyler excitedly] That's it! That's it!

[Odie gagging]

Blech… is right.

Tyler, what is it?

[Tyler] What is it, Arbuckle?

It's the idea that's gonna make me
another jillion dollars.

And you… a couple of bucks.

I think I'll take my idea somewhere else.

[Garfield whispers] Yay, Jon.

Wait! You can't leave!
You're not getting my full vision.

Here. Here, I'll create a solid hologram
of him to show you.

I thought you said
that process wasn't perfected.

Well, it isn't, but I have to make you see
what I see.

[whirring]

See? See how awesome it is?

[groans]

-No! It's horrible! Get rid of it.
-[whimpering]

[skidding sound]

[grunting]

Get rid of me? I get rid of you!

[screaming]

[gasps, screams]

[roaring]

[all whimpering]

-[Garfield panting]
-[Jon screaming]

[screaming continues]

[Garfield] Oh no!

[Garfield] Let's get out of here. Ah!

[thudding]

[roaring]

[teeth chattering]

[thudding]

[roaring]

-[alarm sounding]
-[beeping]

[groaning]

[Odie whining]

Is he gone?

He destroyed the computer
that projected his hologram.

You'll never see him again.

Good.
From the neck down, he was pretty ugly.

[Tyler] My entire computer animation
department is destroyed.

It'll take, like, years to rebuild it.
What'll I do till then?

Uh, I don't know. Maybe hire
some human beings who know how to draw?

You just might be
on to something, Arbuckle.

[whirring]

[Jon grunts]

[nervously chuckles]

[Jon] Lucky my drawings survived.

I'll look for someone who will like
my idea enough to keep it the way it is.

Well, good luck.
But I think you're wasting your time.

[Odie whimpering]

What do you think, guys?

Oh, I don't know.

Odie, do you think
anyone would watch a cartoon show

about a cat that eats lasagna
and a puppy with a long tongue?

Uh-uh.

Yeah. Me either.

[whimsical music playing]

[cheerful music playing]

[Garfield yawning]

Wow. What a great morning.

It's not Monday,
and I got my usual hours of sleep.

[chuckles] And Jon has breakfast ready.

The only thing that could possibly ruin
this day is if Nermal shows up.

As I was saying, the only thing
that could possibly ruin this day

is if Nermal shows up.

-[intriguing music playing]
-Hmm. Hmm.

Where's Nermal?

-[man] He's not here.
-What?

-He's not here.
-[megaphone feedback]

What do you mean he's not here?

Didn't he get a copy of the script
for this episode?

Right here. See? On page one.

I say, "The only thing
that could possibly ruin this day

is if Nermal shows up."

And then he walks in and says,

[imitating Nermal]
"Yes, Garfield, it's me,

the cutest kitty cat in the whole world."

Blah, blah, blah.

So, where is he?

Remember the last episode?
You mailed him to Abu Dhabi.

Oh, right.

[chuckling]

That was good.

So, I guess we can't do
this script, right?

Guess not. Okay, everyone.
Let's strike the set.

[buzzer sounds]

[whimpering]

We're not doing the script, Odie.

[whining]

No. I'm trying to figure out
what we can do to entertain

all these people who are watching us.

[whimpering]

[Odie] Ta-da!

No, we're not doing that either.

[whining]

We're gonna answer
some of my mountains of fan mail.

Could I have one mountain
of my fan mail, please?

Coming up.

Postman, could we have a mountain
of fan mail for Mr. Garfield, please?

[panting]

Here's your mountain.

[Odie, Garfield gasp]

Herman, if you're gonna be on camera here,
we need to touch up your makeup.

Don't touch me.

You're always doing terrible things to me,

dropping me in trap doors,
flinging me over the house,

putting live cows in my mail truck.

But that's just on the show.

In real life, you don't like
to torment mailmen, do you?

[giggling]

All right, then. Go ahead.

[grunts]

-[Garfield giggling]
-Whoa!

Perfect.

Well, thanks.
I should learn to trust you more.

[both laughing]

Okay, Odie. Grab a letter at random.

[yipping]

[whining]

Ta-da!

Thanks, Odie.

"Dear Garfield, when will you stop
giving that poor mailman a hard time,

you mangy cat?"

Signed: The National Mailman's Union.

Oops. Wrong address. That wasn't for me.

[Garfield] Let's move on to the next one.

"Dear Garfield, would you share
your lasagna with me?"

No. Next.

Ah, here we go.

"Dear Garfield,
I have this assignment for school.

What is the difference
between cats and dogs?

I was wondering
if you could help me here."

Signed: Damian.

"PS: I love your work."

Thank you, Damian. I love my work too.

All right, kids. No talking or texting
in the classroom, got it? Good.

Here we go.

Here we see the dumbest creature
in the entire animal kingdom,

a dog.

[gasps, barking]

I said no talking in the classroom.
That includes barks of disapproval.

And here is the finest living thing
that ever existed, a true marvel,

a cat.

[cheering, applause]

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. You're too kind.

Huh?

Thanks, Rosie. That's enough.
Here's the next part of our lesson.

Hi, guys! I'm home.

[fingers snap] This is the person
who feeds the cat and dog

and has somehow deluded himself
into believing he is their master.

Observe how each of the pets reacts
when he comes home.

[Garfield]
The dog becomes hysterical and noisy

and slobbers all over his feeder.

Yuck!

Ridiculous, isn't it?

[Garfield] Now let's look at
the same scene with a cat.

Notice how, unlike the dog,
the cat remains cool, calm, and collected.

Big fat, hairy deal.

Notice how the cool, calm,
and collected cat

is cool, calm, and collected?

He doesn't make a ridiculous fool
of himself like certain dogs do.

[growling, whining]

What do you mean
there's more to the scene?

-I showed the important part.
-[whining]

No, I'm not gonna show
the rest of the scene.

Hey! Hey! Hey, No!

[Jon] How's my furry little friend today?

[purring]

Oh, meow, meow! Oh, meow.

Oh, he just wuvs
having his widdle tummy rubbed.

Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

Ooh!

Who's a good widdle kitty?
Who's a good widdle kitty?

[giggling]

Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!

All right, enough of this! Stop! Cut! Grr!

[snickering]

Oh, so you think
you made me look bad, do you?

-Mm-hmm.
-Well, you did.

Now it's my turn to make you look bad.

[Garfield] You all know that stupid game
called "fetch the stick"?

Well, here's what happens
when you ask a dog to fetch the stick.

You wanna fetch, Odie?

[yipping]

Okay, Odie. Go fetch the stick.

[barking]

-[Odie barking]
-[gasps]

Good boy.
You want me to throw the stick again?

[Jon] Huh?

[Garfield] Dogs not only fetch the stick,
they
insist
on fetching the stick.

-Oh!
-[whimpering]

[grunts]

[sighing]

-[Odie yipping]
-[water splashing]

[Garfield] Again.

[grunts]

[gasps]

Ah!

-[women exclaiming]
-[gasping]

[Jon grunts]

[romantic music playing]

[Garfield] And again.

[Liz] Huh?

[Jon giggles]

-[Jon grunts]
-[Liz giggles]

[both] Huh?

[Garfield] See? Utterly pointless.

[fingers snap] Now, what will a cat do
when the guy who feeds him…

And not enough, I might add.

…throws a stick?

[cheerful music playing]

You wanna fetch the stick, Garfield?

No.

Okay, Garfield. Go fetch the stick.

-[sighs]
-Come on, Garfield! Fetch!

[Garfield] Notice that no matter
how many times he is asked,

the cat will not waste his time
fetching the stick.

Just fetch the stick. Go fetch the stick.

[sighs]

Please fetch the stick.
It's just one little stick.

You just go, you get the stick,
you bring it back.

-How much time could that take?
-[cuckoo sound]

The cat will never fetch the stick

because he knows
there's no point in fetching a stick

unless it's got, like,
a lollipop attached to it.

Please fetch the stick.
Please, please fetch the stick.

I just want you to fetch the stick. Here.

[muffled] Like this. See?

It's not so hard. Anyone can do it.

Hey, if you wanted the stick,
you shouldn't have thrown it away.

[chuckles]
And continuing on the same topic,

here's a letter from Sam Funnyname
from Made-Up Place, Nebraska.

He asks,
"What do cats and dogs do all day?"

Well, Mr. Funnyname… [fingers snap]

…cats sleep.

[snoring]

-[Garfield] Dogs chase their tails.
-[barking]

[Garfield] Cats eat.

-[Garfield] Dogs chase their tails.
-[barking]

-[Garfield] Cats sleep.
-[snoring]

-[Garfield] Dogs chase their tails.
-[barking]

Do they ever catch them?

Oh, that's the best part. Watch.

[barking]

-[suspenseful music playing]
-[biting]

[old car horn sound]

[siren blaring]

[Odie yowling]

[Garfield] Meanwhile, cats eat.

Well, Odie, I think I've made my point.
Odie? Odie?

[whining]

[Garfield clears throat]

"Dear Odie…"

Ta-da!

[crashing]

"My mother says cats are much cleaner
than dogs, but I think dogs are cleaner.

Which of us is right?"

[whining]

I'll handle this.

Your mother is right.
Mothers are always right. [fingers snap]

[Garfield]
The dog is a notoriously filthy creature.

Watching a dog rolling in mud
is a revolting sight.

[screaming]

Odie! Bad dog! Bad filthy dog!

Look what you've done.
Why can't you be as clean as Garfield?

He's always clean and spotless.

See? What do you have to say to that,
grimy one?

[growling]

Play more of the scene? No.

There's nothing more to see. There's--

[fingers snap]

Yes, I am always so clean and spotless.

[doorbell ringing]
The door! Could it be? It is!

[action music playing]

Delivery from Vito's Pizzeria.

[Garfield] Yes!

[munching, slobbering, slurping]

Odie, remember I said I wished
you could be as clean as Garfield?

[whining]

Forget I said that.

[snickering]

Okay. So maybe I'm not the most
delicate eater in the world.

-There's the understatement of the year.
-Ah!

-Nermal! Where have you been?
-Where did you send me?

Hmm. Abu Dhabi.

Then that's where I've been!
Where's the set?

Why aren't we doing the script?

[man] We had to cancel that script
because you weren't here.

I've been answering
all my fan mail instead.

Fan mail?
You
get fan mail?

Of course I get fan mail.
I get lots of fan mail. See?

Oh, that's awesome, Garfield.

Hey, I want to answer
some of my fan mail too.

Could I have my fan mail, please?

[stage manager] Postman! Would you bring
Nermal's fan mail to the stage?

Betcha Nermal
doesn't get fan mail like us.

[snickering]

[motor revving]

-[tires squealing]
-Huh?

[screaming]

[panting]

[groaning]

[grunts] Everybody loves me!

[groaning]

With two exceptions.

Hey!

Don't you touch me, Garfield!

[Garfield] You're going back
to Abu Dhabi, Nermal!

Let's see how much fan mail
you get there, Nermal.

[Nermal screaming]

Well, I guess that's the end
of this episode.

If you enjoyed it, do me a favor,

don't write a fan letter,
send an e-mail instead.

I don't have to carry those.

[whistle sound]

I really liked it.

Finally, we had an episode of this show

-where I didn't wind up looking foolish.
-[whistle sound]

[upbeat theme music playing]