01x03 - Axed by Addition

[bunniefuu]

Ah-hyuck.

♪ H-h-h-hit it ♪

♪ Like father, like son ♪

♪ You're always number one ♪
yes!

♪ Best buddies, best pals ♪
♪ yeah ♪

♪ You always seem
to work things out ♪

♪ Can't you see
you're two of a kind ♪

♪ Lookin' for
a real good time? ♪

Whaa-ooo-h*-h*!

♪ A real good time ♪

♪ Report
to the goof troop ♪

♪ And we'll always
stick together ♪

♪ Always
stick together ♪

♪ We're the goof troop ♪

♪ The best of friends
forever ♪

♪ Side by side
wherever we go ♪

♪ We're always ready to roll ♪

♪ Now gimme a beat ♪

♪ We're the goof troop ♪

♪ And we always
stick together ♪

Gawrsh.
♪ We're the goof troop ♪

♪ The best of friends
forever ♪

♪ Now we're calling
everyone ♪

♪ Come along
and join the fun ♪

♪ Report to
the goof troop ♪

♪ La do be da bop
la ba do bop ♪

Yeah!

Pj: axed by addition!
Slain by subtraction!

[Sighs]

Every time I see a number,
I freak out!

I'm going to flunk
my math final for sure!

[Knocking on door]

So, how's daddy's little
einstein?

[Stammering] uh...

Fine, dad!
Relatively speaking.

Ha-ha! It's a joke.

Just trying to get this
math thing through my head.

Why, your head can do
anything you put it to.

You got my brains in it!

What say daddy
gives you a little pop quiz?

Whoa!

Now, what's five times 12
to the tenth power

Divided by eight minus
the square root of six?

- Well, um...
- And while you're at it,

How many feathers
does a mongoose have?

And what was the name
of the unknown soldier?

And how much wood
would a woodchuck chuck,

If a woodchuck
could chuck wood?

I can't even say that!

Ha! You think that's hard?

You kids have it easy.

Why, when I was your age
I fought for an education!

Had to trudge 20 miles
through the snow

And defrost my pencil
to take a test!

Would've got my ph. And my d,

If I hadn't exceeded the statute
of limitations on high school.

But now I've got a son

To pick up where I
dropped a grade point.

Ahh, yeah, um...

But what if--
this is just if--i flunk?

Flunk?

And make my brains look bad?

It's a simple equation!

You're gonna pass that test

If you have to study
all night, see?

Flunk and you're grounded
forever!

[Door slams]

[Whimpering]

Max! Max, you've got to help me!

Max!

Numbers freak you out,
huh, bud?

Well,
you're not the first guy

I saved from
an inverted fraction.

Now, I could help you
cheat on the test...

Or I could make you
a math genius for life!

Brains over con.

Brains it is.

We'll start
with the easy stuff.

What's 2 plus 2?

Okay, I know that one.
Uh, 2 plus 2...

Um, 2 plus 2 is, um, 4,

And 4's 8,
and carry the 2--
uh, just a minute.


No, no, divide
by 4, is um...

[Sighs]

No wait, wait!
Don't tell me, man.

It's on the tip
of my toenail!

Um, let's see...

Ah, it's...

Um, um...

I think this is going
to take drastic measures.

Oh, drastic is good!
I love drastic.

I'll do anything to pass
this test! Anything!

Uh, can I rethink that?

Hey, trust me,
peejano, my man.

When I'm through,

You'll make einstein
look like howdy doody.

Answer right and you get this!

A fudgy wudgy bar.
Mmm, your fave!

But answer wrong,
and the yoke's on you!

[Buzzer blaring]

- Are you ready?
- Uh-uh!

What's the square root of 9!

Uh, roots aren't square, man.

They're long and stringy and--

Farmer needs 400 pounds
of nails to build a barn.

How many apples will it hold?

What do apples have to do
with--

- [Buzzer blaring]
- his whole crop!

What's the logarithm of 12?

The circumference of a circle?

How many chickens does it take

To cross the road?

What kind of angles
does a square root have?

Right. Just give me
a minute. I, i--

Right angles is correct!

What's 2 plus 2?

Uh, 4?

- 4 Plus 4?
- 8.

- 8 Plus 8?
- 14.

- [Buzzer blaring]
- 16!

Max, no more!
I'm going to be sick!

You're going to be brilliant!

But answer wrong
and the yoke's on you!

[Echoing] the yoke's on you!

The yoke's on you,

The yoke's on you...

Come on, pj! The bus is here!

Pete: toast, son?

Two slices or three?

Minus 2 is 3!
Minus 2 is 1!

Okay, so you can add!

Want an egg?

[Screams]

Okay, no eggs!

Say, don't tell me you want
a candy bar for breakfast?

[Screams]

Down, pj, down!

[Babbling]

And toast and jelly and
on the side a piece of...

Say, what's wrong with him?

He memorized the math
book 47 times.

I think he's got
numbers on the brain.

Huh?

Oh, playing sick, eh?

Tryin' to get
out of that test, eh?

Well, you can't fool me, see?

I was a fool way
before you were born!

I don't care if you've got
blisters on the brain

Or water on the knee!

You're not missing
that test!

Now go out there
and uphold the family iq!

[Chatter]

Okay, peej, now crank up
those brain cells!

You're going to ace
this baby, I know it.

Times 8 is 32,

Times 4 is 38,
minus 2 is 36,
plus 5 is 30...

max: circumference
of a circle!

logarithm of 12!

40 and 6 to the 23rd power!

answer wrong and
the yoke's on you,

you, the yoke's on you!

[Bell rings]

So, einstein jr.,

How does it feel
to ace a test?

I don't know.
It's all a blank.

But you memorized the book!

You have to have gotten 'em
mostly right, right?

Half right?

Pj, a quarter right?

All I remember is
flying eggs and stuff!

Max! What if I flunked?

Flunked? Oh, no!

When your dad finds out,
you're gonna be...

Grounded for life!

Oh, man, dad will get
my report card

Tomorrow in the 3:30 mail!

Only 23 hours
and 14 minutes left to go!

It's like, awful knowing
when your life's gonna end.

Aw, peej.

Wait a minute.
It's not over yet!

You got 23 hours
and 14 minutes

To do everything you ever wanted
to do in your whole life!

Even the stuff
I'd get k*lled for?

What've you got to lose?
Pj, you're dead meat anyway.

Okay, I wanna eat

- Check.
- Watch all 12 mutilator movies.

- Got it.
- Oh,

Ride down hairpin hill
in a shopping cart.

A must.

Gotta kiss cynthia snodfrew.

Yeah! Old persimmon lips!

Oh! And go on the three
worst rides at terrorland!

Whoa! Well,
it is your funeral.

Okay let's move it.

Your report card
comes at 3:30.

Oh, man, what are we
talking about?

We got to go to school!

Not if we're sick we don't!

Sick? Come on, my dad
doesn't let me stay home

Unless I'm a walking corpse!

Your wish is my command.

So, uh, what looks
good today?

Outer mongolian worry warts
or peruvian pus face?

Ah, we'll mix 'em
and match 'em.

The grosser the better.

- Well, I don't--
- [splatter]

Yuck!

Even if your dad does
send you to school,

No way they'd let you in.

I always knew broccoli
was good for something.

Man, you oughta be
hanging in a gallery.

You're a work of art!
[Smacking lips]

- [Alarm clock ringing]
- pete: [groaning] pj?

[Yawning]
rise and shine!

It's show time!

Pete: come on, up and at 'em!

Dad, I don't feel so good.

Can I stay home?

[Screaming]

[Stammering]

You're disintegrating!

Quick! Emergency!

Get him...
[Shouting gibberish]

Dad, it's really
not that bad.

Gimme a siren!
I mean, an ambulance!

My kid's sick with the crud!

- [Siren blaring]
- huh?

Okay, pj! The coast is clear!

Huh?

Careful! Easy!
He might fall apart any minute!

Oh, no!

Help!

Aw, don't worry, son.

Daddy will get you
spackled back together!

[Groaning]

Come on! Outer mongolian
worry warts

And peruvian pus face!

And this kid's got 'em both!

calling dr. Chasm.
report to surgery please.

Dr. Chasm, report to surgery.

[Sobbing]

The poor little kid!

It's all my fault!

I made him stay up all night
studying.

[Sniffling]

Used to yell at him

For squeezing his toothypaste
from the wrong end.

Made him join
gum poppers anonymous

And kiss his little
sister in public.

And brush the dog's teeth

And use a manly deodorant

And wash his shoes
before he came in the house!

I even made him
use a handkerchief!

[Sobbing]

Delivery for room 202.
Sign here, please.

Hmm, second one today.

Okay, well, we'll need
a full blood panel,

A belly button scan,
and a complete
nose hair analysis.

Wait! Uh, I'm awfully weak.

Can I come back
next year, please?

Don't worry.
Nothing to it.

[Electricity crackling]

No! Wait! Okay, okay,
I'm gonna tell you something!

But only if you promise
not to tell my dad!

max: [over p.a.]
calling dr. Howard,

dr. Fine, dr. Howard,

report to surgery, please.

No! No! Don't operate!
Okay! Okay! I give! I give!

I'm not really sick!

Oh, yes, you are!

Gangway! Got an emergency here!
Code purple! Heads up!

- Clear the road!
- [People shouting]

Whoa!

And then one time,

I made him pluck the dog
hairs out of the carpet

With tweezers

And sent him
to obedience school

When he wouldn't
clean up his room.

[Sobbing]

I just want him
to forgive me,

And if that ain't the truth,
may I get struck by a--

What the...

So he tried to pull the
broccoli over our eyes!

Mr. Pete? Your son is gone.

[Screaming]

He melted away!

Gone to that great big
playground in the sky!

No, he took off! Split!
Vamoosed!

But he left this!

Huh?

"Stuff I wanna do
on my last day."

[Wailing] what a kid!

[Blubbering]

Going out with a bang,

Just like I would've done!

I gotta get him to forgive me

While there's still
something left!

No! No! No!
You don't understand!

C'mon, peej! Only three
hours 41 minutes left!

Wha... Who... Huh...

Pj!

Hold together, son!
Papa's comin'!

Three hours,

We've gotta move
at warp speed, dude!

Oh, no! I lost my list!

No problema.
I know it by heart!

First up, 200 gorilla burgers!

man: you wanna be cool
with your mouth full?

hunky monkey fans,
chew on this!

the gorilla burger!
two pounds

of tongue-tantalizing
mystery meat!

Eat quick, pal! Still gotta
see all 12 mutilator movies!

[Gobbling]

Pete: two hundred burgers?

Must've been all those times

I sent him to bed
without seconds!

Pj, I'm sorry!

Pj!

Hold it, bub!

I'm giving you a ticket
for jay-driving!

No, please, my kid...

I'll need
your driver's license

And a social security
number

And a major credit card,

And a birth certificate,

Enlistment papers,
if you served,

Enlistment papers
if you got discharged...

Now watch 'em quick, peej,
we're running out of time!

[chainsaw revving]

Total sensory overload!
What a blast, huh?

[Muffled groans]

Uh-oh, that's all the gore we
got time for.

All 12 mutilator movies?

[Sobbing]
and I always called him yellow!

[Sobbing] forgive me!

Aw, tell it to the judge!

Son, son!

Uh, max? Maybe we oughta
try something tamer.

Like, sky-diving
off the trump tower!

When my best buddy's
lookin' at life
in prison with no parole,

I'm not gonna let him miss his
last chance to break his neck!

Pj, wait for daddy!

[Screaming]

[Screams]

Max, you hear something?

If I didn't know better,
I'd swear that sounded like dad!

Nah!

[Gasping]

Kid's taking that hill
like there's no tomorrow!

Oh, son! Don't cut
your life any shorter

Than it already is!

[Gasping]

Pj!

[Siren wailing]

You again?

[Bell ringing]

[Screaming]

My baby!

my baby!

Some fun, eh, pj?

Check it out!

Cynthia snodfrew!

Wasn't kissing her
on your list?

[Smack]

Ew!

[Coughing]

Oh, the poor kid!

Starved for affection!

I never shoulda stopped
kissing him good night!

[Tires screeching]

[Screaming]

"Have you hugged your kid
today?"

Pj!

man: welcome to terrorland,
the scariest rides on earth!

guaranteed to rattle your cage

and spill your guts
or your money back!

That's my boy!

Doesn't wanna go
slow and painful,

Wants to go fast and painful!

Fifteen minutes till your dad
gets your report card!

We've still got three thrill
rides and 10 burgers to go!

Pete: son! Son!

It's dad!

Don't worry, I'll stall him!

Let go, I've got
to talk to my kid!

No, no! You see,
he's contagious till 3:30!

Oh, me? Well,
I got antibodies.

You, you got a family!
You can't take the risk!

What are you...
[Stammering] contagious?

Well, I guess
I can wait 14 minutes.

Meanwhile, show him
a bang-up time on his old man!

[Screaming]

Nine minutes and counting!

Max: man, are you brave!

It's the barrel of fun!

[Mumbling]

[Screaming]

[Mechanical rattling]

Two minutes to go!

Saved the best for last,

The hammer slammer!

Peej, before you're
grounded forever,

I just want you to know...

You're the best bud
I ever had!

I feel like I'm losing
the cherry on my sundae.

The foam on my root beer.

The crud under my fingernails.

Go ahead, max.
[Hiccupping]

Do it.

[Sobbing] what a guy.

[Clanging]

I can't let him get
pounded to a pulp

Before he has a chance
to forgive me!

I gotta choose,

k*ller germs
or lifelong guilt!

Jump, son!
Daddy will save you!

One minute 12 seconds!
Go! Go! Go!

Yes! We did it!

Err... Son!

I want you to know

All those nasty horrible
things I did to you

Were done with only
the best intentions,

So if you could possibly find it
in your heart to forgive...

[Telephone ringing]

Hang on, I'll get it.

Hello? Dr. Howard?

I can't talk now,
my kid only has minutes to live!

No, he doesn't.

He's got a common ailment
among school-aged children

With test performance anxiety.

It's called faking.

Faking? Well,
that will be fine.

Faking?

Dad, I don't feel so good.

Why'd you cut school
over a stupid test?

Well, 'cause you said
if i...flunked,

I'd be grounded for life!

What? What do you mean,

Thinking I'd really
ground you for life?

I'd never ground you for life!

How many times
I gotta tell you?

Do as I think,
not mean what I say!

Just for that,
you're grounded for life!

Milkshake, I'm home!

And pj's report card
came in the mail.

Now see there, sugar cone?
He got an "a" in math!

An "a"?

Yahoo! My kid with
my brains got my "a"!

Son, we're gonna celebrate!

I'm treatin' you
to everything you like!

Terrorland, mutilator
movies, the works!

I'm buyin' you 200
gorilla burgers!

No, no, no,

And then, when you ace your
science test next week,

I'll buy you 600!

[Laughs]

Ain't life grand?