02x16 - Merry Fishmas, Milo/Just One of the Fish

[bunniefuu]

[BUBBLING]

-[SONG BEGINS]
-One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell!

[SONG ENDS]

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

[BARKS]

[MEOWS]

Merry Christmas!

We're havin' a party,
and everyone's invited!

[SONG BEGINS]

Time to celebrate

Hurry, don't be late

For Oscar and Milo's
Annual Christmas party

We'll decorate the tree

Make some memories

At Oscar and Milo's
Annual Christmas party.

[SONG ENDS]

[MYSTERIOUS DEEP VOICE] h*, h*, h*.

MILO: Well, jingle my bells.

Could it be? Is it he?

No, it is she,

the one and only Bea.

Well, ginger my bread.
I woulda never guessed it was you.

Well, you are talking to the new

Fish Mall Fish Santa!

-h*, h*, h*!
-[JINGLING]

Well, wrap my presents.

[LAUGHS] Yeah,
I totally nailed the audition.

Technically, they haven't
offered me the part yet,

but details, details. Diddly doo.

Sugarplum my fairy, girl!

Come to our party and we will
celebrate your big break!

-Sounds great. I'll be sure to...
-Okay, enough jibber jabber.

I gotta get home and help Oscar decorate!

-[GRUNTS]
-Merry Christmas!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

where's all the decorations?

Hey, Oscar, you were supposed
to be trimmin' the tree

and eggin' the nog
and fruitin' the cakes!

Milo, we can't have a party!

I have an enormous pimple!

MILO: Pimple?

That tiny little thing?

Girl, you overreacting.

I'll smack that puppy right offa you.

-[MAKES WHAPPING SOUNDS]
-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Milo, it's still there.

Ooh, I know what'll get rid of it!

Chocolate-flavored grease pizza!

-Milo, no!
-I use this every day, myself,

and I have shiny beautiful skin.

Work it, yeah. Oh, work it, girl.

Milo, get off! Oof.

So, did it work?

No, I think it's stress-related
'cause of the party planning.

Parties are easy.
All we got to do is clean,

decorate, cook, wrap presents,

and throw the best party ever!

Augh, how can I throw the best party ever
when I can't even show my face?

There, there, now.
Look at me, look at me.

As my Christmas gift to you,
I will handle all the party preparations.

You just stay here and try and take care
of that pretty widdle face.

Aw, that's really sweet, Mi...

Shh, shh, shh.
Your greasy smile says it all.

[EXCITED CHATTERING]

Calm down, you fish babies.

Mall Santa will be here any minute.

Hey.

Fish Santa is ready
for her [SINGSONG VOICE] close-up.

You're not Fish Santa.

You're an elf.

Well... Then who's playing Fish Santa?

MALE VOICE:
It's the crab of your dreams...

Randy Pincherson!

-Why?!
-He's red. You're not.

It was a no-brainer.

But Randy doesn't even have a lap!

I bought one.

And if the kiddies want me
to give 'em a toy,

they gotta give me five bucks first!

That's why you're doing this?! For money?

Yeah.

See? Perfect.

So red.

RANDY: Psst.

Santa thinks you've been
a very naughty girl.

[FARTS]

[HUMS CHRISTMAS MUSIC]

Oh my gosh!

Oh, this is never gonna work.

If I can't pull off this party,
I'm gonna ruin Christmas for everybody.

[GRUNTS]

Fish Santa, if you're out there somewhere,

I could really use some of your
holiday magical dude magic right now.

Please?

Well, that was just gorgeous.

Ahh! Intruder! Hide the milk and cookies!

Milo, settle down. It's me... Santa.

Santa, huh?

Hmm. Seems real.

Beard? Okay.

Belly full of jelly.

Okay, okay. Turn around.

-[MILO GASPS]
-Hey.

MILO: You even have a tattoo
of a gingerbread man

holding two candy canes!

That's 100 percent. You're the real deal.

-I love you, Santa!
-And I love you, Milo.

Now let's get to decorating this place!

[c*ck]

Get a load of this.

[HOLIDAY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

-Wowzers.
-You like that action?

Then check out these moves.

Boo-ya!

[SONG PLAYING]

Hot nog! Everything's perfect!

Hey, guess what?

We still gotta do the tree!

-Santa?
-What?

[GRUNTS]

Can I be Santa's little helper?

Boo-ya.

Swag.

I... I can feel the Christmas.

-I did it!
-Now all you need is a tree-topper.

We gotta make sure it's perfect.

BOTH: Hmm.

[MUSIC ON THE LOUDSPEAKERS]

Guess what I want for Christmas?

[GIGGLES] Actually, Fish Santa,

why doesn't he tell you
what he wants for Christmas?

Not interested.

[SLURPING LOUDLY]

Randy, you have got to stop this!

You're right.

This job stinks! I'm going home!

[GROWLS]

[SHRIEKS] Gimme that Santa suit!

-RANDY: Get off me!
-What is going on here?

I was trying to listen
to those adorable children,

and she attacked me!

But that's not true.
He was ruining Christmas!

Miss Bea, it is you
who are ruining Christmas.

You leave the mall now!

And don't you dare stop
for one of those churros!

[WHIMPERS]

BOTH: Hmm.

What are we gonna put on top of that tree?

This decision is putting a lump of coal
in my Christmas stocking!

Don't worry. I know a guy who knows
a lot of stuff about a lot of things.

Oscar, Oscar, come out.
I need ya!

OSCAR: No!

This is serious.
The whole party depends on this.

Aw, dude, you're making
Fish Santa cry!

[CHOKED] h*, h*, h*, h*, h*.

Wait. Fish Santa is here?

-That's right.
-Oh my gosh. Hi, Fish Santa!

[SHRIEKS] Get it away!

Oh!

[YELLS]

That tickles. [SCREAMS]

Oh.

It's okay, boys.

Santa's good. Santa's real good.

Santa! Your magic hands!

Oh, hey no, they work great, guys.

Just watch.
Let me just zap some new clothes on.

Uh, I'll try again.

It's all right. Aww.

Oh no, my magic doesn't work

and I can't deliver presents
looking all tore up.

It'll scare the children.

Hmm. If only there was someone
who could play a real convincing me.

BEA: Hey guys.

Worst Christmas Eve ever.

[GASPS] Fish Santa?

Bea, you're just in time.
You gotta help us.

Um, why is Santa in your living room?

And why is he naked?

And why are his arms broken?

No time to explain.

Can you use your acting skills
to play Santa?

And save Christmas!

Oh my gosh.

You're asking me
if I can play Fish Santa?

[SINGSONG VOICE] h*, h*, h*.

It's like looking in a mirror.

All right, here's the plan:
Bea and I will go save Christmas

and Oscar, you stay here
and try to fix Santa.

Pa-choom!

I can't believe my Christmas wish
is finally coming true.

-Whee! A pony!
-[WHINNIES]

The secrets of the universe!

Santa, you lost weight. Lookin' good.

Merry Christmas!

-Intruders!
-[AIR HORN BLARES]

Working late on Christmas Eve -

my favorite adult thing to do.

Now, who can't play Fish Santa?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, so red.

Wow, this ointment
is making my hands feel a lot better.

Thank you.

Well, at least I can do one thing
right on Christmas.

Don't say that.

How can I not?

Look at my face.

You wanna know what I see?

On your face?

A big old bright beautiful Christmas star.

-[GASPS] Hey, guess what?
-What?

I just had a great idea.

[LOUD CRASH]

We delivered all the presents!

Christmas is saved!

[ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFFS PLAYING]

[GROANS] That is the last time
I let you park the sleigh.

[GASPS] Milo, look.

Well, rum pum pum my pum.

Y'all found a tree topper.

[MARKER SQUEAKING]

Yay! Look at my beautiful Christmas zits!

They give off the loveliest warm glow.

And just in time for the par-tay!

Oh my gosh, you guys,
what a special moment we're having.

Oh whoa! I think the specialness
is restoring my hands!

Oh hey, look!
My clothes are back on too.

More magic.

-[ALL CHATTERING HAPPILY]
-This is the best Christmas party ever.

ALL: This is the greatest Christmas ever!

-Yay!
-I'm under the mistletoe.

Pucker up, hot lips.

[OSCAR SCREAMING]

FISH SANTA: h*, h*, h*.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING ON TV]

[PLAYERS GROWLING, GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

Freshwater, Freshwater, go, go...

Go! [GROAN]

Jocktopus... ball now!

Jocktopus, pass the ball to Fumble!

Jockto-throw, go!
[GRUNTS]

-Catch it!
-[GRUNTS]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

It's good. Woo! Yeah!

Go Fish Hooks!

[GROAN]

Jocktopus so happy
he could rip his arms off!

No, Jocktopus!

[YELLS]

[ALL GASP]

What have you done?!

It's okay, Coach. They grow back.

[BABIES FUSSING]

It's gonna take forever
for your arms to regenerate!

I need a new quarterback
for next week's game!

You should do it, Bea!

You're practically made of pigskin!

[LOUD OINK]

It's called moisturizer...

Use it.

All right, guys,
I am gonna try out for the team.

BOTH: All right, Bea! Yeah!

Oh, what am I going to do?!

Coach Salmons, look no further.

I, Bea Goldfishberg,
would like to be on the team.

You?

Oh.

Uh oh.

Oh.

What? What's wrong?

Do you see the boys out there?

There's a big difference
between them and you.

What are you talking about?

-You just don't have what it takes.
-Huh?

If I let you out on that field
the way you are,

you'll be crushed!

I... I don't understand.

Good game, boys. Good game!

[THINKING]
Boys? Wait a minute.

Is Coach Salmons not letting me play
because I'm a girl?

[ATTITUDE]
Oh no, he didn't.

I will not take this floating down.

-Hmph!
-No, wait, Bea!

Oh, she moves away too fast.

Uh, Coach?

Jocktopus's arms are beating up the team.

Ugh, the nerve of Coach Salmons,

telling me I can't play
because I'm a girl.

[SHRIEKS]

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong, wrong, wrong.

[HISSES] So wrong.

That's so not fair, Bea.

You're so smart and talented
and so, so pretty.

-Huh?
-Uh, I meant beautiful!

-What?
-What?

What I mean is, Bea,

what will you do?

Tea... full.

Bea, what will you do? Tea full!

Uh, thanks, Oscar?

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

But this tea won't quench
my thirst for justice!

'Cause I'm going to show Coach Salmons

that girls can play football too.

Snap, girl.

I think you dropped something.

My jaw.

Come on!

Listen up, you little sacks of s-s-sugar.

We've got a new kid in class.

What's your name again, son?

Who, me?

That guy looks strangely familiar.

Uh, my name's Hank, Hank the Boy.

Yep, that's it. [CLEARS THROAT]

And I'm going to join the football team,
no matter what.

Ah. Way more than I cared to know.

All right, go ahead and sit
in Miss Goldfishberg's seat.

She's not here today

by some strange coincidence.

[DEEP VOICE] Hey.

What up, Hank?

Milo, you idiot, that's Bea.

Nah.

Bea? I'm not Bea.

I'm Hank the Boy, silly.

Oh, I see what you're doing, "Hank."

Hey, Milo and I totally support you
trying out for the football team.

We are totally gonna keep your secret.

Oh my gosh. Is it that obvious?

Well, we can tell
'cause we're your friends.

But don't worry. We're gonna help you
with whatever you need.

Thanks, guys.

But, bro, what about Bea?

We should be helping her out.

Check it out, Hank.
She's our friend, right?

And all she wanted was to be
on the football team too,

but now you're trying
to do the same thing.

And Oscar's doing that weird
face-palm thingy again.

Hey, Coach. I'm Hank the Boy,
and I'm here to try out for the team.

Say no more.

Oh, Hank the Boy, look at you.

You're perfect.

Welcome to the team, my man.

Uh, really? Just like that?
I'm on the team?

Yes!

Aha!

So, Hank the Boy makes the team
and Bea doesn't.

Mm-hmm.
I see now.

[CHUCKLES] It's a good thing
Bea isn't here for this.

She'd be flippin' her lid.

[GROANS]

Hey girls. What's up?

Well, look who just made the team?

The new guy. Wink, nudge.

We're so proud of you, "Hank."

Well, football's always been
a dream of mine.

I didn't think this
would get so much attention.

I'm really just doing it for the team.

MILO: Man, how does Hank do it?

The dude has been here for one day,

he's already made it
onto the football team,

and he's got the ladies all over him.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlefish,

give it up for the Freshwater Fish Hooks!

[CHEERING]

Versus the Tetra Tech Titans!

[GRUNTING]

Hey, Freshwater,
we're gonna flush you down the toilet.

TEAM: Yeah!

ALL: Aww.

Oh, the Tetras are so tiny and precious.

They're like little babies.

We're gonna destroy them, right?

Yep!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GULPS]

Ready, hut, hut, hike!

Hank, I'm open!

Yay!

Yes!

Uh, sorry?

[FISH HOOKS GROWL]

Man, I thought Hank was
supposed to be on our team.

Hut, hut, hike!

Hey, thanks for the ball, mister.

No!

MALE ANNOUNCER:
And that's a touchdown for Tetra Tech!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[BARKS]

[TEAM GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

Boo!

Oh my gosh, you guys,
did we make a mistake?

-Can Bea really not play football?
-Obviously.

CROWD: Boo!

-[SOBBING]
-Hey. Hey there, rainy face.

-What's the matter?
-Oh, Oscar.

What was I thinking?

I can't play football.

You know, we all have permission
to make mistakes.

It's called learning.

Wow. Thanks, Oscar.

-I feel better.
-How 'bout a hug?

CROWD: Aww.

MAN: That's sweet.

All right, buddy.

Gonna get back to the game now.

Oscar?

Well, it's like I always say:

a hug a day keeps the demons at bay.

[CHUCKLES]

-[b*ll*ts FIRING]
-MAN'S VOICE: Colonel Salmons, no!

BEA: Hey, Coach Salmons!

[ALL GASP]

Bea?!

Hold on. You didn't dress up
as a boy to get on the team?

What? No. I was getting together
a team of lawyers.

Then... then you must be...

Hank. Hank the Boy.

Hank the Boy?!

Yes.

[GROANS, WHIMPERS]

Why is everyone so surprised?

The dude did say his name
over and over and over and over again.

Why were you getting lawyers, Bea?

So, that I could put an end

to your "no girls allowed" policy.

What are you talking about?

You said I didn't have what it takes
to play football.

The reason I didn't let you
out on that field

is because you didn't have a helmet.

Safety first, Bea.

So...

it's not because I'm a girl?

Helmet.

ALL: Oh.

CROWD: Oh!

Oh.

A helmet. Go figure.

Hey, you must be Bea.

Oh my, and who is this handsome stranger?

Hank the Boy.

He's been saying it over and over.

I want you to have this.

Your helmet, but why?

Hank, what's wrong?

I've realized that I'm not cut out
for football.

And I only wore the uniform
because it covered my secret shame.

-Oh my!
-[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Yes, go ahead and laugh.

Laugh at my enormous shoulders!

I came to this school
thinking I could fit in

by joining the football team.

I see now that giant shoulders
aren't enough to be a football player.

You also have to have things like...

talent.

Pshh. Man, that's nothing.

I've got a birthmark

of two chickens kissing.

But you don't hear me
crying about that, do ya?

Oh, Hank, you're perfect!

I know exactly what we could do
with those shoulders.

Go Fish Hooks!

[ALL CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES] This is great!
I'm good at something!

Go on, Freshwater.

We'll just wait right here
while the clock runs out.

[LAUGHS]

Bea, suit up now!

Right.

Go, go, go!

All right, guys,

time for the Sanford Shuffle.

Hut, hut.

[GRUNTS]

I got it, I got it!

[AIR HORN BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Yay!

Yeah!

[ALL CHEERING]

You guys, it's an emergency!

My lead male actor for my
all-male performance of Madame Butterfish

just pulled his groin muscle.

Is anyone here man enough
to take his place?!

Sign me up, Mr. Mussels.

Hot dog!

Hey, Mouse, if fish
have a Fish Santa Claus,

what do you suppose
our Santa looks like?

Hmm. I wonder.

[JINGLING]

h*, h*, h*. Happy holidays,
Snake and Mouse.

Where's my cookies and milk?

Ha ha. Very funny, Snake.

Oh. No!

My magic beard.

Hey, watch the whiskers, will ya?

Sheesh.