01x28 - All the Goof That's Fit to Print

[bunniefuu]

Ah-hyuck!

♪ H-h-h-hit it ♪

♪ Like father, like son ♪

♪ You're always number one ♪

[both]
Yes!

♪ There's buddies
There's pals ♪

Yeah!

♪ You always seem to work things out ♪

♪ Can't you see you're two of a kind ♪

♪ Lookin' for a real good time ♪

Whoa!

♪ A real good time ♪

Aah!

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we'll always stick together ♪

♪ Always stick together ♪

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Side by side wherever we go ♪

♪ We're always ready to roll ♪

♪ Now gimme a beat ♪

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ And we always stick together ♪

Gawrsh!

♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪

♪ The best of friends forever ♪

♪ Now we're calling everyone ♪

♪ Come along and join the fun ♪

♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪

♪ Baa ba doo da bop baa ba doo bop ♪

Yeah!

Oh, man, our one and only Saturday
of the week and we spend it working.

Whoever said youth's wasted on the young
must've lived in a condo.

[tires screeching]

[Goofy] Hiya there, Petey!

Sure appreciate your letting Max
earn some pocket money over there.

My pleasure, Goof.

A boy's never too young to learn
the honest value of an honest dollar.

Besides, it's best they start with an
enlightened employer like yours truly.

Somebody to ease them into
the harsh realities

awaiting them in the working world.

[chuckles] They're in good hands,
all righty.

[yells] What're you doing down there?

I didn't schedule any breaks!

So quit resting on your laurels
and go unload them boxes!

Uh, what is all this, Dad?

Eye-popping, customer-grabbing
sales-inducing,

strategic advertising appliances.

If you can beat the sweet cheap
treat of Pete's neat car fleet,

I'll take the heat and eat raw meat.

-You'd really eat raw meat?
-[laughs]

You don't understand
the concept of advertising, son.

You see, if you don't
stretch the truth a little,

nobody's gonna believe it.

Now that's enough gabbing.

Get down there and clean the driveway

and don't forget to use
the small toothbrushes.

[door slams]

[snoring]

Well, go ahead, Peej. Ask him.

Uh, Dad? Great stickers, Dad.

[stammers] Listen, could we, uh,
maybe get, sort of, you know,

paid for the, uh, work we did?

Why, sure, son.

Twenty-five cents for twelve hours work?

[laughs] Sorry, my mistake.

Quarters and nickels look too much alike.

I thought we were at least
getting minimum wage.

You can't get much more minimum than that.

I knew we should've joined a union.

So, you expect the world handed

to you on a silver platter, is that it?

Think you ought to be earning corporate
level, executive-type wages, eh?

I used to walk through snow
five miles deep,

twelve days a week,
just to get to the coal mine.

No time off, not even Arbor Day.

Now that was a real job!

Maybe it's time you Rockefellers learned
what it's like in the real world.

Maybe it's time you had a real job!

Aren't there child labor laws
in this country?

[sputters]

Now you're getting a taste
of the real working world.

[guffaws]

[air hissing]

Ah, I love the smell of newsprint
in the morning.

Especially when it's a newspaper
running my ad. [laughs]

Too bad they got to put
all this news stuff on the front page.

Why, I'm gonna have more customers
than you can shake a dipstick at,

thanks to this thin ad.

All right, where'd they hide it?

[both screaming]

Why, it should've been on page one
for what I shelled out!

What? Why, why, that's not an ad,
it's a wart!

Where do they come off charging

Ooh! They're even bigger crooks than me!

Oh, if I was running this paper,

I'd never pull a low-down stunt
like that on myself

and live to tell about it.

Hmm...

Running my own paper, eh?

[whooshing]

[chuckles] Well, look what dropped in.

What kind of grades are you boys
getting in English?

Um... B plus.

[stammers] Uh, yeah, I...
I don't remember exactly, Dad,

but I think it started with an F.

I suppose you could
do the editorial section.

You see, I'm starting my own newspaper

and you two are gonna be
my star reporters!

[chuckles]

Say, Goof, our boys are turning into lazy,
lifeless slugs, wouldn't you say?

Well, Pete, I...

It's high time they did some growing up,

learned a trade, don't you think?

Learned to trade what?

Why, they're falling behind the times,
losing that competitive edge.

Am I right?

Well, Pete... hmm...

Looks like we got some termite
damage in here.

If we don't fertilize some good
old American know-how in them boys,

this country's gonna go bottom up!

That's what I thought, too,

but I didn't want to say
anything till I was sure.

-Whoo-hoo!
-[crash]

[clock chimes]

Oh, so that's where
I put them knitting needles.

That's why I'm starting a newspaper

and making our boys reporters.

Oof! Our Max and our P.J.? Reporters?

Why, the whole future
of this entire universe

of our nation practically depends on it!

You wouldn't want our boys responsible

for the destruction of these
"Untied States", would you?

[groans] If my Max knows one thing,
it's not to destroy the United States.

That's from good upbringing.

There's only one slight
minor little detail.

-What's that?
-We need cash to get started!

If you kick in the front money,

I'll only take 75% of the profits,
instead of my usual 80.

Well, um...

Hey! You're not pulling a fast one on me!

[chuckles] You'll take the full 80%!

You know, boys, I used to dream
of being a reporter myself.

Would've made it, too...

If I could've mastered
the English language.

[chuckles] Here we are.

Genuine authentic imitation
artificial reporter outfits.

Been keeping them in mothballs
all these years.

[mispronounces]
Voila! If you'll pardon my French.

Oh, Maxie. You remind me of you
when you were your age, only younger.

Come on, Peej. We're gonna be rich
and famous before supper!

Well, now don't go counting
your chickens with a hatchet.

There's lots to know about reporterin'.

And that's why I'm gonna
give you my old book.

Tells you everything
you ever wanted to know

about being a reporter...

[grunts]

But didn't have the sense to ask.

Thanks, Dad!

[clears throat]

[narrator]
How to be a reporter.

Ah, the journalist.

Deeply do we revere
the finest practitioners

of this most illustrious craft!

Though even a certified hack
can pull a good six-figure income.

Uh, we still don't know how to start.

[narrator]
Chapter one:

The reporter starts by finding a subject
upon which to report.

Bingo!

[narrator] The alert reporter
notes his subject's every move,

missing no detail.


An awesome dog was seen burying
a bone in a hole that was, uh...

That was, uh...

-Awesome?
-[P.J.] Works for me.

[narrator]
Chapter two:

Journalistic ethics and responsibilities.

Don't get caught.

[dog sniffing]

[snickers]

[barking]

The awesome beast chased
the mailman and it was, uh...

It was, uh...

Well, how would you describe it, Peej?

Um...

-Awesome?
-Awesome.

[narrator]
Chapter three:

Grammar, spelling, and style.

I before E except after C.
Next chapter.

The dog removed a portion of the mailman's
pants that was...

That was uh, uh...

What's a word for "awesome?"

How about awesome?

Naw. Naw, naw.
Something... something bigger.

I know! Very awesome.

Oh, hurry it up, Goof!

We got a schedule to keep,
deadlines to meet!

News to make up.

Careful, will you?

I paid your hard earned money
for that copying machine.

[grunts]

[screams]

Nothing to it. Ah-hyuck!

[Pete] I'd like to see anybody
not see my ad now!

Just make sure it comes out nice
and crisp and clean and big.

-Here's the news that we...
-Yeah, yeah, right.

Just don't disturb your old man.

Now don't forget, Goofer,
my picture on every page!

Let me see now.

The paper feed's connected to the platen.

The platen's connected
to the ink-well.

The ink-well's connected
to the spray-hose...

Say, lame brain,
are you sure you know...

what you're doing?

[tires squealing]

All right. Now let's get out there
and sell, sell, sell!

Paper, get your paper!

Two for one sale, twice the news.

Paper, mister?

Paper, ma'am?

Hmm. "Dog buries... [mumbling]

"Awesome... awesome..."

[woman] [mumbles] "Awesome."

[man] I want my money back!

[woman] And I want my money back.

[man 1] I want my money back!

[man 2] I've been cheated.
I want my money back!

[woman 1] I want my money back!

[man 3] You can't do this to me.
I want my money back.

[man 4] I want my money!

Say, what's going on here?
Let me see one of those!

The stupid dog... "Awesome...

[mumbles] "Awesome...

"Awesome!"

Why, this is...

-Awesome?
-No. Awful!

I want my money back.

But, Pete, it's free to family members.

This paper isn't worth
the paper it's written on!

It's pitiful, it's preposterous.

Why, it's downright putrid!

Oh, Max? P.J.?

Nobody's gonna see my ad
when it's in a piece of garbage

you can smell from a mile off!

[sniffs]

Hmm. Got sort of a
Lily-of-the-valley odor.

But if you don't mind my saying,

I think you were kind of hard
on Max and P.J...

-Well, I do mind your saying!
-They're only kids, you know.

Just too young to write a paper
people will want to read

or know how to shave
with a razor or do taxes or...

Say that again!

Oh, well, they, uh,

don't know how to shave off their taxes

or read a razor
or do a thing so it comes out even or...

Goof, you're a genius!

[door opens, closes]

Goofer, we're gonna have the biggest
paper this town's ever seen!

Finest computer your money could buy!

[coughing]

Look what you went and did!

[sighs] Now I got to go out
and buy all new equipment.

[coughs]

[Pete] Come on in, boys.

I'm all ready for my interview.
[chuckles]

Just don't be too rough. [laughs]

Just a couple of questions, Mr. P.

Ooh, Mr. P. I like that.

Be sure and get my good side.

In the last year,

how much did you swindle
your customers out of?

-Swindle?
-That's right. Bilk!

-[P.J.] Scam.
-Hustle!

[P.J.] Do you cheat on your taxes?

-Ever lied to a customer?
-What...

Ever told the truth to a customer?

No! I mean, yes... I mean...

-So you do lie?
-Yes! No!

Yes... maybe... I don't know! I mean...

Hold it!

Hmm...

I get what you're doing.

Trying to dig up some dirt
to tantalize your readers, eh?

[chuckles]

Well, you're not gonna find
any muck to rake around here.

Now what say you go out there

and write about my nice,
clean cars at reasonable prices.

And don't forget to mention how spic
and span those bathrooms are!

Aw, the kids are already acting
like sleazy journalists.

Ain't that cute?

I didn't spend five years in grade school
to write about clean toilets!

You heard what my Dad said.

"Three-headed chicken
gives birth to hockey team."

P.J., that's it!

If we can't find anything
exciting to write about,

we'll do what the pros do.

We'll make it up!

Oh, I don't know about this, Max...

We'll have the whole town talking.

[P.J.] "Mutant half-human, half-rutabaga,
half-hamster alien

"consumes citizens of Spoonerville.

"Elvis among dozens reported missing."

I really don't know about this, Max.

Don't you think we're stretching
reality just a little far?

Hey, if you don't stretch
the truth a little,

nobody's gonna believe it!

Well, if you say so, Max.

There! That ought to do it!

[screaming]

Well, at least that works right.

And it got that crick out of my neck!
[chuckles]

Goof, I want one of these stuffed
in every last copy. Got it?

Got it, Pete!

We're ready! Start the presses!

Now we're cooking with thick black ink!

Set it for 1,000 copies.

Oh, make it 1,001!

And while we're waiting,

the double fudge ice cream sundaes
are on Goofy.

'Cause after all,

he got this whole thing running for us!

Now remember, don't toss the paper

till you see the whites of their eyes.

Move out!

[humming]

[sighs]

Hmm... "Half-human,

half-rutabaga, half-hamster..."

[chuckles] Them aliens
must be on the metrical system.

Hmm, you know there's a certain
familial resemblance

between my pal Pete
and that there mutant alien.

[screams] Pete is a mutant alien!

[TV playing indistinctly]

Oh! I got to get some shut-eye.

I'll have a lot of customers
to fleece in the mornin'.

[Goofy] Petey! Pete!

The sound of doofus.

Go play on the interstate,
will ya? I'm bushed.

[scoffs] I thought we was best friends

and now I find you've been
keeping secrets from me!

What are you yammerin' about?

All these years, and you never once
told me you was a mutant alien!

No wonder you never introduced
me to your relatives.

Wha...

How did I ever let you talk me
into this in the first place?

But, but, but...

Quit making excuses and get those papers!

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[wind howling]

This wouldn't be a problem
if it weren't for gravity.

Whoa!

[growling]

[tires screeching]

[growling]

[gulping] Nice doggie.

[barking]

[screams]

Where'd you find time
to go shopping for new clothes?

[Goofy] [sighs]
Well, that's the last of them.

All 1,000.

But didn't you print 1,001?

Hmm... [chuckles] So I did.

I don't suppose one little
paper's gonna hurt anythin'.

-[Max] Hey!
-What's going on, Dad?

Boys, you and me
are going to have a long talk

about journalistic ethics and honesty.

And how I'm going to tan some hides.

But first, I'm going to get
a two-week sleep. [sighs]

Then we talk.

Oh, man, I knew we shouldn't
have put out a paper

with that phony story.

You're absolutely right, P.J...

You see, 'cause when you
don't... I am?

Television news.
That's where our future is.

It's immediate, it's visual,

it's where the big bucks are!

Oh, Max, don't do this to me, man.

Come on... come here, Max.

[yawning]

[dramatic music playing on TV]

[female newsreader]
Topping tonight's stories,

a seriously shocking and sordid
scandal strikes Spoonerville.

Mutant alien Pete devours
innocent Spoonerville citizens

and sells used cars on the side.

[Pete screaming]

♪ Gimme a beat ♪

[theme music playing]

Yeah!