01x01 - Pilot, Hell Yeah!

[bunniefuu]

My fellow Legion members,

what we have in this briefcase

has the power to change the universe
as we know it.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Is it a thing that takes all the
little crumbs at the bottom of a chip bag

and reforms them
into full-sized chips again?

You think we'd call an all-hands-on-deck
meeting for that?

I would hope so.

Behold...

the Anti-Life Equation.

Shiny golden light.

If I can figure out
how to harness its power,

I can k*ll Superman.

Ah,
here we go again.

Lex, it's not happening.
You're like watching

a chihuahua
try to f*ck a couch.

It's not anything like that.

With this,
I will destroy Superman.

News flash,
it's Legion property,

so you need an approval.

I vote we use it
to k*ll Aquaman.

I vote that we use it
to k*ll Wonder Woman.

I hate to go back
to the chip thing,

but have you ever
tried dipping those little bit--

No one gives a f*ck
about your chip thing.

The Justice League
is going to be coming for this.

So let's hide it in the impenetrable vault
until we can agree on a use.

I want round-the-clock patrols
of the building by every flying LOD member.

- Where are our flying members?
- Uh, missing.

They were all invited to
a "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"

and have not been seen since.

A "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"?
Damn it.

This was probably
a ruse by Superman

to remove
our overhead surveillance.

We need eyes in the air ASAP.

Who do
we know that flies?

♪ Hell, yeah ♪

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. f*ck me.

Can we just put the money back
and be coolio?

Ooh!

The Riddler's planted
a b*mb downtown.

Ugh! I'm stopping Kite Man
and his g*ons from robbing a bank.

Who's Kite Man again?

Hey, you know me.
I got a kite,

say, "Hell, yeah,"
do a solid Borat impression.

"Ah, my wife--"

Ow!

Leave him to the cops.

Ooh.

All righty.

So, uh, anybody wanna
grab a brewski on me?

Oh, this would have gone way better
if Golden Glider was here.

Today is not my day.

Golden Glider,
today is your day.

It is?

Stacy has the shits.
You're skating the lead.

Gauntlet Gloria,
today really is my day.

Okay, I'm opening
with my signature move,

a pirouette into a triple axel,
aka the Golden Sparkler--

Don't you mean
the Golden Shower?

Everyone, shut up!
The star has arrived.

But you're sick.
What if you sh*t on the ice?

What if
the whole audience shits...

...when they see you skate,
Olden Glider?

Right? Don't trip.

Awesome.

Go get 'em, babe. Break legs.

See you at the bar.
Drinks on me.

She stole my Golden Shower!

Sprinklers! Ugh, sh*t!

That's it.

Eat ice!

Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired.

I'll see myself out.

This show sucks anyway.

Stupid no talent.

Calling me psycho?
You're psycho!

Babe, what happened to you?

Oh, you know matinees.

How'd it go down
at the bank?

Well, the good news is
we all came back in one piece.

Oh, I beg to differ.

Except Steve.

He's bleeding out.
Hey, Noonan, can you sew him up?

Got three guys ahead of him.

Truth is, babe, a teen girl
kicked the crap out of us.

Oh,
this freaking generation.

Yeah, I think the problem is
we were inside a bank,

and I can't use
my superpowers inside.

A kite's not a superpower.

Kids have kites, and I could kick
the sh*t out of most kids.

And Kite Man could
kick the sh*t out of all kids.

Thanks, babe.

You don't need superpowers
to be a supervillain.

All's I know is,
when I was a kid,

I'd sit in my room and I'd dream about
being a supervillain.

My mom would knock
on the door and say,

"Chuck, what are you
doing in there?"

And I'd say,
"Not masturbating."

And she'd say,

"That feels like something a masturbator
would say while masturbating."

And I'd be all like,

"Mom! I... I will tell you
when I'm masturbating--"

Jesus f*ck! Stop telling
that nasty-a*s story.

Yeah, I thought you were gonna


Shut up!

Don't listen to them, Chuck.
I like that story.

I don't. But you have
the right to tell it

because you're a flying villain
destined for greatness.

I'm looking for a flying villain
destined for greatness

to help out the Legion of Doom.

Babe, that's literally you.

No way, Golden Glider.

Lex is still pissed
from the last time you helped.

That one insane power of yours melted most
of the cafeteria staff.

- Oh, come on.
Those powers aren't my fault.

Hey.

She told Lex very clearly that she can't
control her rather disturbing powers.

- Thanks, babe.
- You're my world, babe.

Yeah. I still have to bring Lex
a flying villain, so--

Oh, Kite Man can do it.

But he has no powers.

He's just got a kite.

Like a Victorian child
in a sailor suit.

That is not true.
Kindness is his superpower.

Noonan, when you were
stabbed in the heart,

who brought you soup
for three months?

FlashDash.
But Kite Man delivered it.

And Queen of Fables,

who found your severed head
on the ground

and saved it
in a glass jar?

f*ck if I know.
I was dead.

It was Kite Man!

- And Moe and Joe--
- Kite Man.

Uh, I didn't say the thing yet.

And you don't have to.

Let's just say
they were able to reattach it.

Not all of it.

See? Case closed.

Your heart is your superpower,
and anyone who doesn't see that

is a huge D-bag who's getting
their a*s kicked by me.

Well, I don't have
a a*s to kick.

Besides, heart ain't
even a power.

I enjoy
the friendly banter here,

but I parked
in a loading zone so...

Ugh, Kite Man it is.

Hell, yeah.

Kite Man.
Thank you for joining us.

You know, I'm a big fan.

Like you, I forged my way
to success and started--

- Please shut the f*ck up.
- Roger that.

The Justice League is going
to attack us at any moment.

Your job is to patrol the skies

and alert us
if one of them attacks by air.

Hey, easy peasy mac and cheesy.

Do not f*ck up.

Oh, good thing
I only f*ck down.

Hell, yeah!

Kite Man to base.

KM to B.

Can you hear me? Over.

No need to shout.

Yeah, this equipment's
pretty sensitive. Yeah.

Gus, oh, sorry.

I just...
I'm a... I'm a little nervous.

- This is a big opportunity.
- Oh, well,

you know what
I tell my kindergartners?

Even a complex task is simple

if you do one right thing followed
by another right thing.

You teach kindergarten?

Oh, yeah.
I just goon on the side--

Oh, dear God!
Everything here is on fire.

Gus? I'm...
I'm coming for you. Over.

- Everybody back up!
- He needs to breathe.

Give him space.

Chuck, wake up!

Are you okay?

Well, a little sore,
but it's not too bad

considering I went toe to toe
with the son of Krypton himself.

Um... Well, you didn't actually
quite get to Superman.

You got knocked out

and then a crosswind blew your limp,
unconscious body into some power lines.

Crosswinds, the, uh, Superman
of weather patterns there.

But, uh, hey,
did we at least...

Did we protect the...
the thingamajig?

What... What is it? The, um...

It's gone.

Lex, you came to check on me?

Hardly. I came here
remotely to say

you are the worst "villain"
I have ever witnessed.

How dare you say that,
you shaved b*ll s*ck!

I got this, babe.

You know what, Lex?

Ow! Oh, my back.

Oh, oh, oh, babe.

- Babe? Babe? Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna stand up for myself
lying down.

- And, ooh, there we go.
- Hey.

Gentle. Gentle.

- Is he still there?
- Yeah.

You know what, Lex?
I used to look up to you.

Now, you may have
a bajillion dollars

and a fancy corporation
and a private army--

- What a loser!
- Uh...

Nope, hang on, babe.
Didn't get to the bad stuff yet.

- 10-4, babe.
- Here it comes.

You may have that stuff,
but you know what you don't have?

Friends.

You'll never be able
to walk into a place like this,

lie down on the floor,

and know that everyone
around you loves you and cares about you.

So who's the real loser here?

Me or the guy with no friends

who, real talk, will never
be able to k*ll Superman?

So, this dump
is your sanctuary?

You're darn tootin'.

Mr. Noonan,
I would like to buy your bar.

It's not for sale.

- How about ten million dollars?
- Sold.

What?

Wonderful.

I'll have my people
draw up the contract

and a wrecking crew here
by the end of the week.

Is everyone staring at me
disapprovingly?

I... I can't get a good angle.

This is all that's left
of our impenetrable vault.

Toy Man, please tell me you purchased
the extended warranty.

Uh-oh.

Is...
Is that a thing with every chair?

I am going to stand.

You know whose fault this is?

Kite Man's.

And you picked him, Bane.

I think we should be
supportive of each other.

Would you give me some
f*cking space and take a seat?

- My point is--
- You're fired.

What happened
to two weeks' notice?

What the d*ck, Noonan?
You can't sell this bar.

Look, I don't want to sell it.

But I can't refuse
ten million bucks.

But this place
freaking rules.

Chuck and I had
our first date here.

- Who the hell is Chuck?
- Kite Man.

Aw.

We had drinks at the bar.
We played darts right over there.

Did hand stuff at the table
right there.

My drinking problem and subsequent divorce
started on this very stool.

Yeah, the big supervillains
are all sitting pretty in their lairs,

but this place is for the dregs,
the g*ons, the henches.

A place for the rest of us.

A place you don't mind
taking a nasty sh*t in.

I agree.

And not just because
we share an an*s.

Well, I'll tell you what.

It's not going anywhere.

You can do number two in this place
as long as you want

'cause me and Glider
are buying this bar.

Yeah, we are!

Wait, what?

Babe, this bar is


You can't put a price
on the place you call home.

Uh, you absolutely can
and it's 10 million dollars.

- Babe.
- Babe.

- Babe.
- Babe!

Babe.

Will you make me the happiest
small business owner in the world

and buy this bar with me?

Is this bullshit working?

I don't even know
what I'm watching anymore.

Oh, you crazy son of a mom!

This is the stupidest idea
in the world,

and I can't wait to do it
with you!

Babe.

Aw, look at that.

Here comes the hand stuff
they were talking about.

This is bullshit.

You don't have


We can get the money
with the power of our love.

Like through a cam show or a...

Okay, not from a cam show.

But we'll find it.

And Sean, when we come up
with 10 million dollars,

will you sell it to us
instead of Lex?

Sure. But where are you gonna
get that kind of moolah?

It's not gonna just
fall out of the sky.

Oh!

God damn you, Lex Luthor!

Aw, sh*t. I was hoping that
was gonna be a sack filled with money.

And now, you got a ceiling to repair
on top of the ten mil.

Kite Man and I will get you that money
by the end of the week.

- You have a plan, right, babe?
- Hell, yeah, I do.

'Cause I am a grown-a*s man.

Daddy, I need to borrow


Absolutely not. Anything else?

I'm just waiting for the part
where you tell me it's Opposite Day.

It is not Opposite Day.

Well, you don't even know
what the loan is for.

Who is this woman?

I'm his
girlfriend/business partner.

We've met several times.

I sent you a box of Omaha steaks
for your birthday.

That's dumb.

Look, I got to where I am

because I recognize
a bad investment when I see one.

You are that bad investment.

Nah, I'm not following.

Not really a money guy.

Let me be abundantly clear.

You have never accomplished
anything in your life.

- I do not believe in you.
- Well, then loan it to me.

No, because you're dumb
enough to date Chuck.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get a vasectomy.

Good idea. In fact,
make it a double vasectomy.

Come on, Chuck.
Let's bounce.

Can't believe
my dad is being so stingy.

Oh, forget him.

There's got to be
another way to get this money.

Oh, I know!

- Not Shark Tank.
- Damn.

Ugh! Asking people for money
is so humiliating.

That's it.

Babe, it's about to get
a lot more humiliating.

Look, Chuck,

I realize that we spent your last dime
on a wedding deposit

that you will never get back,
and I--

Damn right he did.

No worries.
It was all part of my journey.

However, I... I do not have


Eh, I find that
hard to believe.

Babe.

It's true. We just bought
a vacation property in Themyscira,

so we're second house poor.

Well, that's very relatable.

Not really, babe.

I think they're saying
they don't--

- Oh. No, oh, okay.
- I get it. Wow.

Well, this is
mucho disappointing.

Hey, chin up, Kitey.
You're a bad guy.

What do bad guys do?

Bad guys steal things
from worse guys.

Oh, that is the worst...

A really good idea
I've ever heard.

Our target,
Casa de Caucasion.

An impermeable island stronghold
on the Eastern Seaboard.

Also, there's usually some taffy
in the cupboard above the fridge.

Are we robbing
your f*cking dad?

- Hell, yeah.
- Damn skippy.

Sick.

- This place looks like a death trap.
- Hell, yeah, big time.

My dad has a group
of ex-Mossad agents

and power yoga instructors
to protect his mans.

I would be remiss
if I didn't warn you.

Not all of you will make it
back in one piece.

I don't have any more
f*cking pieces to lose.

I am drunk and I am in.

All right.
We need a distraction.

Ooh, I got a distraction.

And it involves
a pirouette into a triple axel.

Hit it.

Oh, my God!

She's skating
the opening adagio

from the Generic Desert
Apocalypse on Ice!

It's working. Let's go!

Holy sh*t!

I've never seen a move
so beautiful.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who are they?

Those are my, uh...

Backup skaters.

Hang on.

The backup skaters don't come out
until the end of act one.

We're being had!

Time to wing it!

Oh!

Ooh, it's wet and it's gross.
Oh, God.

Oh, it's gross, and it's wet.
It's warm.

Wait, aren't you my kid's
kindergarten teacher?

You're Mikey's dad.
How fun!

Did you get the note
I sent home with him?

Yeah.

Sorry. I... I think

he's acting out 'cause I've been
working so much.

You're welcome.

Well, I'm gonna have to block off some
one-on-one time with Mikey.

Go in there and get the money.

I'll stay here
and beat them off.

Babe, you said beat--

Not now, Chuck!

Oh!

Babe, we need a miracle.

You have got to use
your powers.

I can't. You know I can't
control them when I use them.

Lisa! There is no other way.

Chuck, what if I k*ll you?

That's not gonna happen.
I trust you.

Why do you think I want
to buy a bar with you?

Hey, you's twos done having your aside
so we can m*rder youse?

Unless we m*rder you
like a razor cutting through garlic.

- Right, Moe?
- Let's find out.

Joe!

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

No, no, no...

Schwing! Never been turned on
more than right now.

Hell, yeah!

So that's the power.

- Hello, Charles.
- Dad.

I've been waiting
to give you these.

What's in them? Oh, oh...
Is it centipedes?

It's centipedes, isn't it?
Did you know that they sting you?

The bags are full of money,
you idiot.

Ten million to be exact.

You're giving me the money?

This is the first time
I've ever seen you stand up to me.

It makes me think maybe you're not
a completely worthless piece of garbage.

I've waited
my whole life for...

Well, I mean not...
Not those words,

but I'll take it.

We were victorious,
but there was a cost.

I will now read the names of those
who were k*lled in our pursuit of glory.

Scuzzy, Jimmy One Ball,
Joey Three ba*ls, Kneecaps McGee,

Joe Dubelz.

Wait, what? Nah, nah, nah.

Joe's fine.
He's just taking a nap.

And Bane,
who I'll miss most of all.

Who?
Wait, what?

No!

I had to use
the bathroom

back at your dad's house
and I got lost.

Did you leave me for dead?

Uh, well,
yeah, well...

But the important thing is
we have the money and we can buy the bar.

Is that the briefcase
you told us the Justice League stole?

And if it is?

That would mean
Superman never took it.

Which means you were the one
that tricked our flyers

into leaving the skies
unprotected.

Except for Kite Man,
a known idiot who would be your fall guy.

There's just one big flaw
in your plan.

The Justice League will scour
the universe for this thing.

And you don't have
the means to protect it.

You only have to protect something
if people know where it is.

It's on your desk.

Oh, I'll be moving it
right after you're dead.

"Right after I'm..."

sh*t.

In answer to your question,

I'll be hiding it in the last place
anyone would think to look.

Kite Man and Golden Glider,

you are the proud owners
of a bar

that's got four mortgages on it

as well as black mold
inside every wall.

Lex, we won it fair and square.

I'm not here to k*ll you.
I'm here to congratulate you.

So, are we friends now?

No, I'm friends with important people like
Joker and Paul Simon.

Anyway, congrats
on your new business venture.

Uh, Bane, let's go.

I am with them now.
They treat me with respect.

Uh, usually.

Fine. You do you, Bane.

I'm doing me!

I've done some
whack-a*s sh*t in my life.

But this...
is the whack-assiest.

And I can't imagine
doing it with anyone else.

Hell, yeah.

Babe, I got a feeling
we're gonna make this bar...

...a great success.

Ah, very nice.

Oh, here comes
the hand stuff.

Lord Darkseid!

After ages of searching,

I have narrowed the location of the weapon
to a small range of planets.

Excellent.

For it is Darkseid's destiny to harness
the Anti-Life Equation.

The power to enslave
the mind of every being in the universe.

And undoubtedly,
this priceless weapon is being held

in an impenetrable fortress,

under the protection of its sector's
most supreme beings.

We must prepare
for all-out w*r!

♪ All out w*r. ♪