02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Having a bit of door trouble,
are we?

Dennis, I...
I didn't know you lived here.

Sergeant Pettigrew.

Moved in not long ago.

It was my wife's place.

She passed recently.

Oh.

I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks.

What can I do for you?

Er, Larry Freegan, the postie,
saw your door had been kicked in.

It was like this
when I got home last night.

Was anything stolen from inside?
Not that I can see.

You being bothered by someone?

It's probably just
some local hallion.

Are you selling up?

Now my Elizabeth's gone,
it doesn't feel like home.

Hmm.

If that's everything?
I'd better get on.

I have to be at the crematorium
in a few hours, and well,

there's so much to do
between now and then.

Was that Dennis Crofter? Mm-hm.

I thought he had a flat in town?
He married Mrs Yorke.

But Dennis is like 45. Mrs Yorke...
..was 82.

She's passed away!

Well, I canvassed the neighbour.

She spotted a vehicle headed up
this way last night.

'One of those big pick-up trucks.
Blue. Maybe black.'

She said it had a novelty plate.
Ended in SUP.

Oh, yeah, I think I know the one.

It belongs to the bookie
Philip McKay.

And if this is his shoe print...

..we might finally have something
on the snake that'll stick.

Nice work, Cub.

Did you know worm charming
had so many rules?

'The prong of a fork
must not exceed eight inches

'if the shaft of the fork
is under three feet long'.

Who's policing that?

We do love our tradition round here.

Finn, I know why you're really here.

There's no word from the oncologist
about my scan results.

OK.

I am also fully invested
in your worm competition

going off without a hitch.

It popped up on my phone
as a reminder.

'Marlene's Insemination'. And...

..I wasn't completely sure how they,
you know, put it in.

So, I did a wee internet search.

What's the connection between
Dennis Crofter and this place?

Me and Finn suspect the owner,
Philip McKay,

runs a sideline in fuel laundering.
Dodgy diesel.

A while back we got a tip that
Dennis was transporting a load.

But by the time we pulled him over,
he'd ditched it.

Here...

..our man, the bookie, Philip McKay.

I'm sure that's his pick-up.

So McKay was at Dennis' last night.

So maybe he was looking for Dennis
to repay him for the lost fuel

he dumped? So, McKay kicks his door
in, to remind him what's due.

Morning. Can I get you some tea,
coffee?

Some sipping bourbon maybe?

No thank you, Mr McKay.

Do you know Dennis Crofter?

He comes in here for the odd punt.

I don't think we've ever exchanged
more than a couple of words.

Well, his property
was damaged last night.

Someone kicked his door in.

I had no idea.

Is that your blue pick-up
truck outside?

The one with the personalised
license, 260 SUP? Do you like it?

Ha! You wouldn't believe
what that set me back.

Ouch! What do you drive?

Your vehicle matches
the description of one seen

in the area of Dennis' property
last night.

I drive back to the house that way.

But I was home straight after work
yesterday evening.

Oh, so you do know where he lives?
Well, I was speaking broadly, of course.

Can anyone confirm
your movements for us?

Uh-huh. My darling wife

would be more than happy to.

Is there anything else? No.

Thank you for your time.

So, he knows where Dennis lives,
even though they've barely talked.

And Dennis isn't long
in that new gaff.

Aye, I don't buy it.

There's definitely some bad
blood between them. Hmm.

Come on, Cub.

You got Jake's text?

He'll get his money.

The full 10,000,
by the end of the day?

He's a kid. I can handle it.

I read online I could get
seven years for theft.

And if they found out you tampered
with the evidence to get me off,

then... Oh, slow down!

No-one's going to prison.

You remember when you wanted
a VR headset for Christmas?

And the news was saying
that even the North Pole

was sold out of
virtual reality gear?

Well, I didn't fail you, then, did
I?

I'll let you know when it's sorted.

I mean, maybe someone kicked Dennis'
door because he married a woman

700 years too old for him?

I could see McKay doing
something like that.

We did suspect Dennis of owing money
to loan shark McKay

for dodgy diesel of his
that he chucked.

But sure, we could never prove
anything. I didn't know McKay

lent money on the side as well?
Yeah, to people desperate for cash.

He wears a lot of hats,
then launders them all.

Yes, hello.

That's great. Thank you now, bye.

McKay's alibi checks out.

CCTV has arrived in.

So, it's footage from the kennels
across from Dennis' driveway.

You said McKay drove a pick-up?

There's no sign of that.

Who's this then?

Marlene! Your chariot awaits...

Oh, you're still working. Mm-hm.

Our appointment with the IVF
clinic is at, eh...

Yeah, just tying up a loose end.
OK, well, we're ready.

The plates are registered
to Celine Yorke in Coleraine.

Is that Mrs Yorke's daughter?

Of course it is. Poor pet's in town
because her wee mummy died.

She's staying at Concepta's B&B.

One of those, erm, career types.
Engaged twice, never married.

Imagine. I'll go speak to her.

Maybe I should come along with you?
I don't think there's time! Do you?

Hey, Marlene. Good luck for today.

Yeah, hope it all goes well!
Thank you!

Good job I was here. Mm.
Right, come on, shake a leg,

let's go. Yeah.

SOMEONE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Bets are placed in the shop.

I'm looking for a loan. 3k,
and I need it as soon as possible.

Well, then. Take a seat, friend.

So why do you want
to speak to Celine?

The wee dote's going through
a lot right now.

We just need to clear up
a few things, Ma.

Celine, hello.
I'm really sorry about your loss.

Thank you. We wanted to discuss
an incident that happened

on Dennis Crofter's property.
My mother's place?

Last night someone vandalised
the front door.

CCTV caught your vehicle
coming and going.

I was nowhere near it. OK.
So where were you?

I went for a drive...

..to some places my mother
had told me about.

Local beauty spots she liked.

In the dark?

Tell me about your relationship
with your stepfather?

He's not my...!

Please don't call him that.

So, you two you don't get along
then? I only met him yesterday.

Before that,
my mum had just mentioned

this nice new friend of hers,
Dennis, in passing.

So, you didn't attend the wedding?
I didn't know about any wedding!

Maybe they thought
you wouldn't approve?

Denis won't allow me
inside my mother's home.

He's refusing to let me see her.

Not even to say goodbye.

So, you kicked his door in? Ma?

There was a distinctive muddy
foot-print left at the scene.

Do you mind if we have a look
at your shoes,

for the process of elimination?

Celine Yorke, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of criminal damage

to a property belonging
to Dennis Crofter.

You don't have to say anything.
But it may harm your defence

if you do not mention
when questioned something

you later rely on in court.

So, you're really not
competing in the Wormathon?

I heard you're a demon
with your Lambeg Drum.

No! I never received an apology
after that fiasco last time.

Ah, come on, Barry,
that was like, 1987. '84.

Ah, here they are! The world's
best surrogate and mother to be.

Stop it now!

When Concepta told me that you were
dealing with that scoundrel

Dennis, I thought you wouldn't
have much time for grub today.

Did you consult the list of foods
that Marlene's not allowed to eat?

Spam? What's the matter with spam?

Good luck, with everything.

All being well, we'll be back
in time for the worm wrangling.

Which isn't important.
Right, see you after?

With a uterus, full of life!
No, no, no, no!

Spare us the details, eh?

Good luck! Cheers, Barry.

Siobhan! Does this message mean
what I think it does?!

I got the scan results.
No evidence of disease.

Oh, come here!
Oh, I can't believe it!

So, what happens now?
Oh, whatever we want.

You've never done it,
you've no idea how to do it,

and you still think you can charm
worms better than me?

OK, well, let's bet on it. Loser
does the other's chores for a month

Deal.

For the record,
I'm in it for the good cause. Kids?!

So am I! Yeah. Me too! Oi!

Your mum has some news.

Mum had wanted to live by the sea
her whole life.

She loved it here.

After her MS diagnosis,

I offered to move down,
but she wouldn't hear of it.

So, her GP, Dr O'Hare, set her up
with a care package

and that seemed to be
a good solution.

And that's when Dennis showed up?

I tried to keep an eye, but...

..it's tricky from up in Coleraine.
And then your mum passed?

When I arrived at the house,
I found the locks changed

and Dennis inside,
claiming he owned the place.

So, your mother
had changed her will?

No.

As the husband, Dennis
inherits everything automatically.

The last time I spoke to mum
she seemed...

..confused.

It felt like dementia.

Do you think your mum would have
understood what was happening

at the wedding? No.

There's no way
she could agree to a marriage.

But, Dennis claims Dr O'Hare
had checked mum over

and given her the all-clear.
And you think that's a lie?

She would never
have gotten remarried.

Dad and her...

..they worshipped each other.

Even when she was struggling
with what day of the week it was,

she never forgot how much
she loved him.

SHE SOBS

I just can't believe
this is how it works.

And Dennis didn't tell you
she's being cremated today?

What?!

No. No, no, no, no!
No, she would have hated that!

The idea of it terrified her.

She wanted to be buried next to Dad!

This can't be happening!

I...

..I can't...

Celine? Are you OK?
Callum, call Siobhan. Now!

I can't...! Sh, just relax,
just relax.

Clint, does this thing have air con?

No. Oh, I know.

My convertible would have been
much more comfortable,

but someone insisted on driving us.

Only because you two
are going to be exhausted.

Oh, that reminds me!

Eight of my eggs are viable
for insemination!

I'm not having eight kids at once,
like!

Well, why not?! It won't be you
doing the night feeds.

You're joking, right?

It's not like you're going to be
using your womb for anything else.

Right, that's it.

Let me out. Why? What's happening?!

Fine. Clint - budge!

Where's she going?!
We'll miss the appointment!

I know! What did you do!?

This was a big mistake.
No, no, no, no, don't say that!

This is just a silly little row.

No! No-one's thinking
about the risks I'm taking.

What this is going to do
to me, and my body.

But of course I am!

That's why this is it.

This is our one shot!

But Nicole, I ...

..I never said I'd only
give this one go.

What, you mean that you would
go through all of this again,

with me?

Yeah, if I had to,
and you wanted me to.

Of course, I would, mate.

Oh, Marlene!

Oh!

I'm so sorry. Me too.

We won't do all eight this time. No!

Let's implant three.

And keep the rest of
the fertilised eggs in storage.

That's the sensible thing to do,
yeah?

Deal. Deal. Oh!

Your pulse is normalising.

What happened to me?

You had a panic attack.

Your mother was a remarkable lady.

She didn't suffer fools.

Certainly not when she was
at her best.

Look, I don't know everything
that's going on.

But I do know trauma.

I'm here to talk if you want.

I'll be fine. Celine?

People who are coping
don't kick in doors.

I barely remember damaging the door.

It's like I wasn't conscious
when I was doing it.

Look I'm happy to get you
a referral for a therapist

back in Coleraine if you want?

Thank you.

Al could you speak with
the registrar that signed Dennis

and Mrs Yorke's
marriage certificate?

And Callum,
call on Dennis' neighbour again?

Let's make sure it was McKay's car
she actually saw.

Aye, aye.
Then we'll go visit Dennis.

Am I OK to come in? Yes,
come in, please.

Gentlemen, Siobhan got her
scan results this morning.

No evidence of any disease.

No cancer? All gone. Oh, brilliant!

That is pure class. Yeah.

So, how's Celine?
She's pretty shaken up.

Is Dennis Crofter seriously going
through with the cremation today?

Not if we can do anything about it.
Thanks, guys.

Can I have a wee word?

I wanted to apologise to you.

Well, I've just been a bit short
haven't I, so...

..I'm sorry. Apology accepted.

And I haven't felt like myself
either recently.

And now? Like a new woman!
I can tell.

SHE LAUGHS

So, erm, I wanted to ask you
about Dennis Crofter.

He says that you carried out
an examination on Elizabeth Yorke,

just before she died, and you
signed off on her mental faculties?

Ah, are you asking me to break
doctor-patient confidentially?

A loophole in the system has really
let the Yorke family down.

I'm just seeing if there's anything
we can do to help.

Off the record.

I'd not seen Mrs Yorke
since her diagnosis.

I'm saying I'm getting
the money later on.

Yes.

I told you I'd sort it.
All right, talk soon. Love you.

This must all be
such a relief for you?

Honestly, I feel like
I've got my life back. Yeah.

I can only imagine.

Now, I'm no piece of meat.

We both agreed,
the kiss was a mistake.

Exactly. So behave yourself.

This is a surprise.

Siobhan, I thought
you'd be up at the field by now.

You and your timekeeping.

The worm contest starts soon.

And I'm sure you've better things
to be up to Alistair.

Like sorting out
that Dennis Crofter one.

Proper wee skitter.

Do you think...

..it was Concepta who saw us kiss?

It was Celine Yorke?

I didn't think she'd had it in her.

She seemed surprised
that you'd married her mother.

We kept it between us.

Elizabeth and I knew
a lot of people wouldn't approve.

Or understand. Like Celine.

I think she'd half the inheritance
already spent in her mind.

And she wasn't that interested when
her mother needed constant care.

Celine had concerns that her mother
was developing dementia.

You told her that you'd had
Mrs Yorke checked over by GP,

and there was no cause for concern?

Dr Siobhan O'Hare.

Lovely lady. Excellent doctor.

Have you any record of
when that assessment happened?

Wait. Aren't you married
to Dr O'Hare?

I hope nothing inappropriate
has occurred.

I mean, for a doctor
to break confidentiality

is really rather serious.

Now, if that's all,

I'm expecting an appraiser
from Motson's Auctions any minute.

On the same day as the cremation?

It's difficult, living surrounded
by so many painful reminders

of love lost.

There's still the question
of what the Bookie McKay

was doing up here last night.

And why he lied about it.

So, Dennis owes money
to fuel launderer McKay.

McKay pays him a visit
because he wants paid.

So why's his car
not on the CCTV footage?

And the neighbour said there's
a back entrance by the barns.

Right, so he clearly didn't want
anybody knowing he's been up here.

Yeah. Well, it's certainly fishy.

Celine would have been
on the property at the same time.

Maybe she saw something?

Ask her.

We might not be able to arrest
Dennis for marrying an older woman

with dementia, but if he has been
fuel laundering with McKay again,

we can scoop him for that.

Oh, let me get those for you.

Erm, I heard a rumour that...

No.

It's just I really need your help with the
worming competition. Clint says you're the best.

Is that all he said?

Eh, something else about a feud
with gran over broken sod?

It wasn't broken.
I won in '84, fair and square.

And I swore that day
I'd never charm another worm.

And I am a man of my word.

I'm sorry, love.
But it's for charity.

You could at least
lend me your drum!

I hope all those squares
are at the regulation size?

Ah, as close as I could get them.

The rules are important.

In the past we've had unpleasantness

when people haven't accepted
they've transgressed.

Eh, I just want to say...

What you saw with Al, it...

..it was nothing.

Are we talking about today,
or last week, the top of the stairs?

So, you did see us kiss?

I kept my powder dry,

knowing you had
your scan results coming.

And because, I wanted to give you
the opportunity to be honest

with Finn yourself.
Are you going to tell him?

Look, now I know there's
no cancer evident,

I can really start going after
the future I want.

One that definitely
has Finn at its heart.

I've no plans to say anything.

I know you've had a hard time
with Finn recently.

But you love him.

And so, we've got to find a way
to get this marriage working again.

Thank you, Concepta.

And Siobhan?

Congratulations on your results.

I'm delighted.

I couldn't have gotten
through it without you.

You gave me a real scare, Missus.

Never again, right?

I'll do my very best.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

Tommy O'Brien!
Are you up to mischief?!

What are you doing?

Oh, eh,
testing the ground for softness.

Must make it easier to get
worms to the surface. Right?

I don't know how your mum copes.

Yeah, I'm relieved she's had
the all-clear of the cancer though.

Now I'm going to raise
as much as possible,

to thank all the doctors
and nurses who helped save mum.

Well, we better choose
the right spot then. Mm-hm.

Right!

Celine saw McKay and Denis creeping
around the barns at the edge

of the property.
Said they were locking horns.

And that the place stunk of diesel.

So that's where they're
storing the fuel? Possibly.

But it might not be enough
to get a search warrant.

So, we keep a close eye,
wait and see what happens?

It could be nothing for weeks.

What if, we invite them
to make the next move?

With any luck we'll catch Dennis
Crofter with the dodgy diesel.

Can we do that?
Well, we've got to do something

or Celine's going to miss
her mother's funeral.

So maybe it's worth the risk?

Have you got someone in mind
to be the buyer?

I know just the man.

Oh! Look, I'm not an invalid.
I can manage.

Ach, nonsense,
only the very best for our VIP.

Very Inseminated Person?

Spot-on!

Now we've got everything set up
so that you can rest and relax

and get those feet
above that pelvis.

Baby, I might just, eh,
nip over to the field here.

The worming competition's
about to start.

Joking, obviously.

Clint?

All right, mucker?

I need a favour, all right?

You know Philip McKay?
McKay the bookie? Aye.

Have you ever have
any dodgy diesel off him?

I wanna set up a delivery so I can
nab the driver, Dennis Crofter.

Are you in?

Aye, all right.

But I'm using a middleman,
keep my name out of it. OK.

20 minutes to go, folks!
The team with the most worms, wins.

And remember, making sounds
or vibrations to simulate rain

will coax the worms out.

But absolutely, no digging.

You cannot break
the thatch of the turf.

Here! I hope your toilet scrubbing's
better than your worm wrangling.

Well seeing as you commit
human rights abuses in there,

I'll need to be.

Looks like somebody needs
the big drum.

'This is our truck.
Callum, stand by to stop it.'

Papa, delta, one, one,
truck is reversing.

SIREN SOUNDS

Don't you dare break
the surface of the sod now, Barry.

Never have, never will!

All right, Dennis, down you come.
Nice and easy.

McKay? Not like you
to get your hands dirty.

Where's Dennis

Nearly there, folks!

Ten, nine, eight...
Go on, Niamh, there's more there!

..six, five... Go on, Niamh!

..four, three, two, one...

..stop!

You can forget about getting
any loan off me, bucko.

Philip McKay,

I'm arresting you for tax
evasion by fuel laundering.

You do not have to say anything

but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention

when questioned, something you
later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be
given in evidence.

Celine Yorke...

..saw you arguing with Denis
last night.

So what do we reckon,
Detective Constable?

The main man here, what,

bullied Denis into marrying
a vulnerable old woman?

I'd never be part of that weasel's
business! I have a code.

Who do I hurt? The taxman.

Denis is twisted.

Sure, he's done this before!

He, he was blabbing about recouping
some of his gambling

debts by marrying another one with
dementia down in Fermanagh.

This previous victim.

Did Denis mention any names?

Thanks for helping out my wee Niamh.

And without dragging
her into disrepute.

I never made a violation in my life.

Ack, look, poor Shay.

Denis? What's going on?

Were you married to
a Mrs Evelyn Bradley

of 14 Benedict Gardens, Enniskillen?

If you'll excuse me, I've a service
to attend.

I made a call to
Mrs Bradley's next of kin.

I got quite the shock
when she answered the phone herself.

Alive and well,
still married to you.

You got impatient, didn't you?
Waiting for Mrs Bradley to die?

So, you moved on to your next
target...

..Mrs Yorke.

Denis Crofter, I'm arresting
you for bigamy under the

Offences Against the
Persons Act 1861.

You don't have to say anything

but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention

when questioned something you
later rely on in court.

Have you heard
anything about the funeral?

It was scheduled for an hour ago.
But we had it postponed.

Ah, thank you.

How?

Well, your mother wasn't Denis's
first wife.

In fact, he was already married
when he wed your mum. What?

We've arrested him for bigamy.

Which invalidates their marriage
and makes you the next of kin.

So, the funeral...

Will happen at a time
and in a manner of your choosing.

Thank you.

Great work today, Callum.

Now how about a round of victory
teas for the lads there, eh?

Er, Finn...

..there's something you
should know, and erm...

..I'd like you to hear it from me.

OK.

Last week, during a...

..weird and low moment, erm...

..Siobhan and I shared a kiss.

It was stupid. It was, it was a
one-off.

It meant absolutely nothing.

I promise it'll never happen again.

You're two both single people.

As long as it doesn't effect Shay
and Niamh, it's none of my business.

So... we're cool?

Yeah. Of course.

Right.

There's nearly an extra
grand in there.

Do you want a wee drink?
No, thanks, you go ahead.

Hiya. Hi.

So, all got sorted?

We arrested the guy who was
loaning me the cash.

You didn't get
the rest of the money?

It's due within the hour! I know.
So what are we going to do?

We're just going to have to give
Jake the seven grand we've got

and hope it's enough.

Now...

Ach, this is all too much, Nicole.

Come on, I can look after myself.

Oh, OK.

Well, I was going to drop down some
speciality cheddars.

Well, will I not?

I don't want them going to waste,
so, aye, all right.

You're a star, thank you.

Now I know it's not easy,
but don't go getting a crush on me.

I'm taken.

Thank you.

So...

..you survived. Aye. So far.

Ach, Celine.

Finn!

Here, can we grab a seat? There's
something I'd love to say.

I know what you want to say.

You do?

OK, erm, listen, I, I should've said
this ages ago...

Al told me about the kiss.

If being with him
makes you happy, then good.

What we had is over.

Long time ago.

So, what are you, what are you
saying? You want a divorce?

Yeah. I think it's time.

HE SIGHS

DEEP BREATHING AND HEART POUNDING

Finn? Yeah?

You all right, son?

There's er,
there's bandages at the station.

I'll go.

Come on, son, let's get you
patched up.

You all right?

You told Finn?

Before Concepta did, yeah.

She wasn't going to say anything!

And now Finn wants a divorce.

Come on. These things just happen.

People drift apart.

Trust me, I've been there.

It's all my fault. No, it's not.

I can't believe you told him.

Come on, gather round everyone.

OK, quiet, everybody, please.

Erm...

..erm, I would like to take this
opportunity to thank everyone today

who's come out to support a cause
that's very close to my heart.

So, all the worms have been counted.

And the winners are...

Can I have a drum roll?

..Niamh O'Hare and Barry Pettigrew!

Where is that impossible man?

And after 40 years of gurning.

Niamh.

Now at the last count we'd raised
over £3,000.

But within the last hour
the tally's increased!

Erm, where'd I put my bag?

Here it is.

Thanks.

What's wrong, Mum?

The money, it's gone.

It's been stolen!

Oh, my...

..oh, my gosh!

I'm stupid!

I just left it there,
asking for it to be taken!

Oh, Celine, no, no, no, I couldn't.

You helped me so much today.

It's the least I can do.

Thank you so much.

That's a splendid idea!

MURMURS OF SUPPORT

Oh, thank you so much!

Oh, my goodness. Oh, thank...

You took money intended to help
people fight cancer.

Dad, what type of person does that?

I'll replace it...

..eventually.

I promise.

I did this to keep you
out of prison, remember?

And the glass was cracked,
you're saying?

Must've been.

Them cuts are deep. You must've had
a real firm grip on it.

Guess so.

You see, back
when this was my office...

..if ever I needed to think,

I used to bounce a ball off that
wall there.

Thwack, thwack!

I thought I was Steve McQueen
in The Great Escape.

I watched guys around here...

..drink their way through
the stress.

See me? I had that ball.

Thunk, ker-tunk.

And then, one day...

..it was a particularly
rough time...

..I, I didn't realise how hard
I was firing it.

I thwacked that thing so hard, it
went straight through that window.

The glass shattered
in a million pieces.

Yeah, yeah.

I understand the pressure
you're under, son.

Only too well.

So, what did you do to
get through it?

I did what guys like us
have always done.

I kept my fears hid and just...

..yeah, got on with things.

Hey, come on, we'll go.

I've no doubt our absence will
have been remarked on.

No doubt.

Be right behind you.

Keep that cut clean.

You don't want an infection.

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

HE SOBS