03x01 - Booty Noir

[bunniefuu]

"Have you ever had a dream
that's so real...

"that you don't know
if you're dreaming or not?

"But then you wake up...

"and damn, if you're not
already in love?"

"Well, that happened to me,
the day l found her...

"or should l say,
the day we found each other."

Yes, Mother, yes.

The colonic solution
worked splendidly.

Yes. Little peanut poo.

- No! Who do l look like, an ATM?
- Baby, don't be that way.

Oh, this is getting old,
honey, real old.

l'll call you later, Mother.

Focus, Myron. Focus.

Fire!

l can't.

l can't? l can't!

lt's just too perfect.

For the first time in my life,
l can't shrink something.

Dat booty just too fine.

What?

♪ Who is the man in the suit? ♪

♪ Who is the cat with the beak? ♪

♪ Harvey Birdman
Attorney at Law ♪

You wanted to see me?

l can come back.

Birdman,
l've got a new case for you.

Tough one, too.

Wally--huh--Gator.

Harvey Birdman.
Nice to meet you.

Not him, Birdman,
he's a crocodile.

Looks like
a nice enough "guh-ator."

Keep flipping.

Oh.

Operating a speedboat
in protected waters...

operating a speedboat
while firing a weapon...

operating a speedboat
while operating a 1 2-pack.

So, he's pretty much
being charged for--

Being a redneck. Yep.
Raise your right hand.

What just happened?

You're a bounty hunter, silly.

A bounty hunter?

One last thing:
there's a reward.

Dead or alive,
just bring him back in...

in 4 pieces or less.

Watch out for the tail.

Look out!

l can do something about that.

Pardon me?

The buttering...bettering
of the buttock...

or rather buttocks. Plural.

Look, you're a small man...

but that doesn't mean l won't kick
your little green behind.

Move on, pervert.

l've got a device--
a body reshaper.

A device...for the booty?

Well, actually,
it was invented for other...

more dastardly--
Yes, for the booty!

- ls it safe?
- lt's patented in Sweden.

- How much does it cost?
- Free!

l mean, it's free.

Well, all right. When can l
schedule an appointment?

l have an opening right now.
Turn around.

You're gonna do it right here?

lt's outpatient--Back off!

Lord, help me.

That didn't hurt a bit.

Oh, speak for yourself.

Tell me, would you care
to have a light supper?

- Harvey Bird--
- Get down!

l'm here to escort Mr. Gator back.
l'm his attorney.

My papers are right in my suit
underneath the--

Wally, we got your
attorney/bounty hunter out here.

Mr. Gator, l am your attorney,
and l would love to come inside--

For you to come outside...

so we can discuss your case
in a civilized manner--

litigator to...alligator.

Now, come on out, Wally.

l will, but l want tickets...

for the Aspen Minitruck


And l want to be on the field.

l'll see what l can do.

OK. l'm coming out.
Y'all gonna tackle me?

A little bit.

Oh, sh...!

Look out!

And l'll tell you one thing: no more.

Mm-hmm.

l've had enough of that man.

And all men like him.

Go on.

Well, good thing l got a new man
who's nothing like him.

♪ When l saw ♪

♪ The moon in your eyes, dear ♪

♪ When l stared ♪

♪ At your sculpted, yet fine... ♪

lt'd really look much better
if l took that tape off.

Can l trust you?

Court will come to order.

Mr. Bumnuts, proceed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Today, seated before you,
is a simple creature.

These creatures haven't changed;
the world has.

They drink beer;
they watch NASCAR...

they fish for bass.

But, rather than letting them go on
with their lives in peace...

society encroaches upon them...

threatening their very existence.

Yes, they're rednecks...

and as such, should be
pitied and marginalized...

but, Your Honor, not prosecuted.

l would like to call
Wallace Lee Gator to the stand.

Mr. Gator...

tell the court, in your own words,
what you do each day.

Well, l fish and hunt,
and l watch NASCAR. Yep.

Things have been harder lately?

Oh, sure have.
All these chain stores...

sprung up all over the place.

And the wildlife
you're accused of injuring...

while trying to make your living
crawfishing in the swamp?

Manatees. Don't see why
there's laws protecting them!

Ain't nothing but floating meatsacks.

Federal government has no business
telling me how l should live my life!

Preach.

"God, she's hot."
lsn't that how the story goes?

Hotness. lntenseness.

Sexity.

Together, we're a quasar burning
at both ends--in both ends.

Together, we explode.

Sexity.

l'm not quite sure
what you're expecting...

but l have to be honest.
This is my first time.

You're right, baby, it is.

Because until
you've been with Norlisa...

you've never done it right.

Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

My glasses! What have you done
with my glasses?

Don't touch me!

All right, touch me.

Mr. Gator, l like your shirt.

Thank you.

Tell me, where did you get it?

Foot Locker.

l see. So you visit the shops
around your home.

- Well, uh...
- lsn't it true that you enjoy...

the benefits of
the modern world?

- Well, they--
- The world you criticize...

for encroaching on
your traditional lifestyle?

l thought a gator only ate
what he k*lled.

Not when it's 2.99 a pound
at the Costco!

What? What was that?

l can't.

What's that, baby?

l'm living a lie.

All the things
that l once believed, lies!

Can't you see it?
l'm a phony, a pretender.

That's not what l see.

l see a man who knows
what he wants...

but isn't afraid to give his woman
what she needs.

A proud, green man,
and he's mine.

Norlisa!

Who's that?

- Who--who's what?
- Norlisa!

That! lt's your ex-boyfriend.
How did he know you were here?

l honestly don't know.

Norlisa!

Now l see.
l'm your man on the side.

How dare you!

Now, that's just weird.

Come on out here!

Stay calm. There's no way
he can find us.

Yeah, l'm here with my new man.

What are you doing?
Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! All right.
Think rationally.

lt's a 47-unit building,
so it'll take him forever to--

So, you got a new man.
ls that what it is?

Baby, whoo! You lose your gym
membership or something?

l like 'em big, but, mm!

What?! When's the last time
you've been to the gym?

Look at that big old gut on you;
looks like one big ab.

Both of you, back off.

l'll enlarge you.
l mean, shrink you.

Oh, God, l'm so confused!

Ladies and gentlemen,
have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant guilty.

Now, for the life of me,
l can't come up with a sentence.

Mr. Foreman, do you have
any recommendations?

l'd like to see them wrestle.

Look out!

Takedown's worth 2 points.



l see.

Oh, baby.
l'm sorry l was so harsh.

You know you're my man.

Yeah, baby, l know.

And you, too, baby.
You're my man.

lsn't this great?
My two men and me having dinner.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Stop it.

Well, Wally, it looks like
everything's gonna be OK.

Yep. lt's all about times like this...

surrounded by all my friends--
Phil, Avenger, Peanut, Red--

Wait. Where's Reducto?

"So few of us are lucky enough
to know love...

"even fewer get to keep it.

"So, if love ever comes
to you late at night...

"be sure to let her in...

" 'cause you don't know
if she'll ever come visit again."

What do you think of that, Stella?

Smartest thing l heard all day.

Let's go sniff some butt.

What happens when she says yes?

When she...says...yes?