03x12 - Identity Theft

[bunniefuu]

[Marker squeaking]
[buzz]

Birdman, where are the
legal pads?

We're dangerously low...

On legal pads.

And maxi-pads.

Does anyone ever go in the
women's roo--

Yakky doodle.

Chemical castration.

Ooh, sorry to hear that.

That's my new name, remember?

Oh, right.

What can I do for you, little,
um, castration?

I want my old name back.

Reverse name change. Got it.

There's a lot of paperwork
involved--this in duplicate,

This in triplicate, this in
googleplexicate.

How am I going to make all these
copies?

I'm not a copy machine, but I
have this whip...

Oh, and this brochure.

Look out!

Oof!

Morning.

Can I really get this in an
hour?

Yes, sir.

We'll have it done in two hours.

Uh, ok. Great. Two hours.

Come on back in 4 hours, and
we'll have it all ready for you.

Ok. Great.

I'll see you then, eliot.

Elliott. Ell-i-ott.

Two ls, two ts.

They made a mistake on the tag,
and I had to send out for a new

One.

Wait. Isn't that the sort of
thing you do right--

Silence.

All righty.

I'll be back in 4--



Harvey birdman.

Harvey birdman.

Bfffach! Bfffach!

Just the latest in a long series
of duplication slights.

First, there was his ridiculous
refusal to accept the second set

Of photo prints.

Want twin shots?

Nah. One print is fine.

Uhh!

Then...

Do you have "double indemnity"?

That guy has got it.

Then his dating of not just
one, but both of the doublemint

Twins.

Bfffach!

Now his final crime, the crime
for which I will exact revenge--

Getting my name wrong.

Everyone knows it's elliot.

Two ls and two ts.

I have two of everything, for I
am the deadly duplicator.

Um, can I get these bound?

How long does that take?

Two hours.

Huh!

Uh!

♪ Who is the man in the suit?

Who is the cat with the beak?

Do you really want to feel him?

Harvey attorney, habeas corpus
marvy attorney... ♪

[Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group]

Well, chemical castration,
shouldn't take too long.

Eliot...

Elliott. Two ls, two ts.

Down at duplication services
is on it.

Send in the next client.

Mister...

Clamhead.

Ah, mr. Clamhead.

Harvey birdman.

Clamhead, chemical castration.

Chemical castration, clamhead.

So you want to change your name.

No. It's my identity.

It's been stolen.

Oh. Right.

Someone has your credit
information and bank numbers

And whatnot.

No! My identity--my shaggy
hair, my big nose, my "silly

Comic-relief guy who solves
mysteries and hangs out with a

Talking something that has no
business talking" identity.

That car? It talks.

This isn't good.

I'll take the case...while, of
course, devoting full attention

To your, um, case.

As you can see, my client, mr.
Clamhead, and mr. Tinker here

Share the same identity.

Both have long hair.

Both solve mysteries.

Both wear garments of
indeterminate, yet unmistakably

Cheap, material.

Can any of us imagine how
unnerving it would be, how

Maddening, to have another
person walking around looking

Like you, acting like you, doing
the things you do?

Objection.

Your honor, I demand to know
who this imposter is.

How can we be sure that you
aren't the imposter?

Because everyone knows harvey
birdman isn't smart enough to

Ask the question you just asked.

Wait.

Well, the real harvey isn't
smart enough to realize that the

Real harvey isn't smart enough
to ask that question.

Wait.

I call a recess until such
time yon dos harveys can sort

This out.

Fine.

I'm going back to my office.

Fine.

I'm going back to my office.

Mine!

[Buzz]
yes?

A new client to see you...

Send them in.

And still no movement in
the maxi-pa--

Mr. Birdpeoples?

Someone has stolen my identity.

Um...ha ha ha!

Um...

Oh.

So you two's worked things
out, have you?

We have, your honor.

Glad to hear it. Proceed.

I would like to call--
I would like to call--

Look. I thought we decided
we'd alternate.

With the understanding that
I'd go first.

How do you know it was you?

We look exactly alike.

Maybe if you changed to a
different colored tie, we

Wouldn't be having this problem.

I've always worn this.

Tell you what.

I know who they were going to
call to the stand anyway via my

Mind-takery.

So--ahem--they would like to
call norvell "shaggy" rogers.

Bweeoo.

Like, wow, man.

Look at that guy.

He's me, man, totally me, and,
like, and there's another one,

Man.

Zoinks.

Now there's like a g-g-glowing
skull dude over there.

Ha ha ha!

Fine. You go first.

Thank you.

Wait. What about me?

Uhh...

Look out!

Oh, you stupid chamois, you
leave streaks everywhere.

Hey, how's it going?

Beautiful day, isn't it? Ha!

Hey, have you got any
turtle wa--

Aren't you cranky.

Every time I create a
duplicate birdman, he simply

Joins forces with the original.

Therefore, I must also duplicate
someone else, someone who will

Make birdman's life
miseradouble.

Ha ha ha!

Aw, crap.

Look out!

Harveys, 3 ranger smiths here
to see you.

I'll, uh--
I'll be with them in a second.

[Buzz]
birdman get in here.

[Buzz]
birdman get in here.

[Buzz]
birdman get in here.

Ah, good. Birdman.

What are you doing here?

You called me here.

No, I didn't.

Well, now that you're here, I'm
gonna have to let one of you go.

Staff is getting too big, lots
of redundancies.

But, phil, how are you going
to tell which is me and which is

A copy?

We're not even sure.

Oh, don't worry.

Got a good eye for detail.

Example--he scratched his nose.

In all the time I've known
birdman, I've never seen him do

That.

[g*nsh*t]
[g*nsh*t]

You can run, but you can't hide,
unless, of course, it's in this

General area over here.

Blind spot.

Look out!

[Ding]
eliot.

Say, you wouldn't happen to be
done with my copies, would you?

His boss didn't manage to rid
the world of the scourge of

Birdman.

I must make more copies for him
to sh**t, and this time, he will

Eliminate the real birdman.

Choose another verb, buddy.

Oh. Sorry.

He will k*ll the real birdman.

Better.

Oh, my.

I've dropped a piece of paper.

Look out!

Ok. Nice and clean now,
and go.


Crest.

Crests.

Crests!


[Choking]
hello?

Are we doing negatives, man?

Oh, my gosh.

X?

[Choke]
[lively saxophone music playing]

[Choke]
[lively saxophone music playing]

Look out!

Peanut, can you make a
copy of--

Peanut?

Well, we guess we'll just have
to do it ourselves.

Time to cull the herd.

Look out!

What is going on?

I have no idea.

Every time we turn around,
there's more of us.

And then phil just wants to
sh**t us all.

And I'm not even sure anymore
which of us is the original.

I am.

I am.

All right. We're here.

Who's got the document?

Huh? Not me.

Not me.

Sigh.

[Ding]
so let me get this straight.

There's two of you?

Get the paper.

Get the paper.

Thin the beasties.

Look out!

What's the line for?

Machines are out of toner.

Hey, where's that guy elliott?

Wait. Did you say elliott?

I'll see you then, eliot.

I know what to do.

Buy more toner?

You mean to tell me, like,
all you dudes are named ranger

Smith and, like, work at the
same park?

I-slash-we know what you've
been up to, elliott, or should I

Say the deadly duplicator?

Your reproductive days are over.

Deedle deedle dee.

We'll see about that,
birdman...

And birdman and birdman and
birdman and birdman and

Birdman.

Over here.

Over here.

Over here.

Nope. Nope. Over here.

Hello?

Over here.

Here I am.

Aah! Another
mintychip-skinned man.

Back off.

Oh, thanks kindly.

Finally.

♪ Do you believe
in kissin', honey?

You bet, I do
well, I believe

In kissin', honey
when the moon is new

So we hugged, and we kissed
in the moon... ♪

No! Help me!

Out of toner!

♪ Kissed in the june night ♪
all right.

♪ We need another baritone
sings about in here

Anybody? Takers? ♪
Well, everybody, I think

We're all glad to see the deadly
duplicator out of order, but how

Are we going to get rid of all
these copies?

I've seen things you people
wouldn't believe...

And from this side only--
the flight of a half man, half

Bird; dinosaurs nuzzling their
young in pastures where a strip

Mall should be; cookies on
dowels--all those moments lost

In time, gone like eggs off a
hooker's stomach.

Time to die.

And everything is back to
normal.

Everything is as it should--
[buzz]

Mr. Birdman?

A mr. Hawkman here to see you.

Oy.

[Laughter]

♪ "Harvey birdman" is over ♪