04x01 - Shazzan

[bunniefuu]

Avenger, could you hand me
that file?

Haw.

You got it.

Peanut!

Did you hear that?

I think there's something wrong
with aveng--aagh!

A snake!

They eat birds!

Huh?

Oh, relax.

Fluffy's here for the rat
problem.

Rat problem?

[Sirens wailing]
pet the snake.

Rawk.

Don't do it.

You see?!

He did say some--ugh!

[Grunting]
um, you wouldn't happen to

Have a 17-foot aquarium laying
around somewhere, would you?

'Cause he likes likes a nappy
after he feeds.

Attention, everybody!

I'm simplifying!

I had so much stuff in my office
there wasn't room to think.

God, I was suffocating in there.

The clutter!

Uh, get rid of this.

Oh, I think I can definitely
find a place to put this

Little--
oh, my god!

How'd you get in there?!

How insensitive could I be?!

Ha ha ha!

Pop go the buttsy on the
left-hand side.

[Crack]
is he gone?

Better not see any of that
stuff on ebay.

Phil's a one-eyed snake.

What'd you call me?

It's avenger, phil.

He's talking!

Don't hide behind a bird,
man!

So, calling me a pants
pastrami--

One-eyed snake.

Calling me that, perfectly
fine.

Just sprout a pair of po-pos and
do it 3 feet to the left of my

Face.

Stinky face!

Atta-pepper!

[Gasps]
fluffy's new house!

What the--
finally!

I've been in there for what
seems like centuries.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Centuries.

How are you?

Shazzan.

I am a genie!

Sort of guessed that.

So, wow.

You're a genie.

Indeed!

Now, how about wishing me
smaller.

Ha.

It's probably me, but I don't
think I heard the magic word.

Please.

Other one.

Master.

[Yawns]
oh, as I wish.

Oh.

Little bigger.

Um...

Is there--
is there something else in here?

Some throw pillows.

Hi-fi.

Nothing important.

How did you get in there?

I was imprisoned
by mufti the mizwa of muzzy tah!

[Wind howls]
I deigned to gaze upon the

King's intended.

You were locked up for ogling
someone's mufti?

That's outrageous!

I'll take the case!

I'm afraid you can't take the
case, h.b., Seeing as

Hammer-time here serves me.

If it pleases master peanut.

Huh?

He will take the case.

But he's not a lawyer.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at this.

Peanut, harvard law, '94.

"Law review," pick of jobs.

But what will I do if I don't
have a case?

♪ O, danny boy ♪
hey, here's an idea--

Vet visit.

♪ The pipes are calling ♪
[captioning made possible by

Turner entertainment group]
♪ ha

Uh
who

Is the man in the suit? ♪
♪ Who

Is the cat with the beak? ♪
♪ Do you really

Want to feel him?

Harvey attorney
habeas corpus

Marvey attorney
harvey birdman

Attorney at law ♪
you know, I liked you better

Bigger.

But, master, i--
bigger.

So, master,
what should we do about my case?

Oh, look.

It's already onesies.

That can only mean one thing.

An order of tea and strumpets.

You know, I didn't go to
harvard or anything, but if I

Were you, I'd suggest getting a
picture of this mufti.

[Squawks]
I have no picture of mufti.

[Squawking]
debbie!

Ahem.

I can't even use the
intercom?

Go ahead.

But I press the button.

[Sighs]
send in the sketch artist.

It's ok, debbie.

Taller--no, shorter.

Fatter than that,
and less in the crotch.

Add 700 years.

Lose the nose.

No, the second nose.

It's--[gasps]
him!

Judge mentok?!

What's the meaning of this?

This is my quiet time.

We're gonna have to take you
into custody.

Ha ha.

That's outrageous.

What am I charged with?

Don't have to tell you any
more.

Clearly haven't been reading
your scalia.

Officers...

Nobody takes the mindtaker--
not while there's minds to

Mentake.

Boooweeeoooo!

Ooh weeeooo.

It's the helmets.

They're aluminum foil, right.

I can't--that doesn't work with
what I do.

I'm sure the vet will know
what's going on.

[Bleep] the nazis.

Pretty bird.

Avenger birdman.

I had to give them a last
name.

That's right.

Nice and easy.

Into the cup.

Into the cup!

Hey!

Ow!

Here!

You hold the cup,
and I'll grab your--

[Cell phone rings]
judge!

I'd be happy to represent you.

Honored in face, your...

Uh, honor.

But I'm a little busy.

I see.

Well, let's play a little game.

Rock, paper, mentok.

Ok!

I'm actually good at this.

Rock, paper, mentok, sh**t.

Mentok, I win.

Now get down here.

Damn it!

[Gothic music playing]
[knocking]

[Gothic music playing]
[knocking]

[Gothic music playing]
[knocking]

So, I'm confused.

You are muzzy mufti?

Was.

Long time ago.

I was young.

It was the seventies.

The actual seventies, by the
way.

This was before religion--
and condoms.

Good times.

And these murders and
pillaging.

You did this stuff?

Of course not!

Who do you think I am--
some of it.

It would take too long to
explain.

I'll just show it to you.

Oh!

The light.

It's so bright.

I see my mother.

Wait!

That's not my mom.

It's you!

Why are you wearing her
brassier--

Wait.

You're a genie?

Used to be a genie.

I was also a sex worker, a
cossack, and an est instructor

For a summer in marin.

My point?

I'm in jail, you idiot!

Look, shazzan has everyone
fooled.

He's trying to pin it on me.

So, we'll, uh--we'll, just go
to the judge and tell him your

Story.

I'm a judge!

We don't believe anything.

[Toilet flushes]
there's only one way out of this

Mess.

There's this magic disk and it's
in two pieces.

And if you put the pieces
together and say the magic

Words, shazzan goes back in the
bottle.

What say you break me out of
here and I can look in the usual

Places.

A jailbreak?!

Your honor, I took an oath.

I can't possibly help--
stare into my bweoo.

Bweeeooo--
ahem, I need a little water.

[Ding]
all right, get me an

Ambulance!

We got a breakout on 5.

Cordon off a 10-block radius!

Uh, he's right here.

He's over here.

Oh, damn.

Worked in the movies.

Oh, hold on, will you?

Harvey, you might want to get
this thing martinized.

It kind of smells like
roquefort.

I think it's roquefort.

Wished for a boat, wished
for a bigger boat.

Wished for a tasteless statue
with pubic hair.

What else is there to wish for?

Master, perhaps we should
work on my case.

If we're not careful, the evil
mufti will escape my--uh...

Our clutches.

Ah.

I got it.

I wish for a drink named after
me.

Pea-ing nut-gasm.

Nutting pea-gas--
eh, we'll work on the name.

No.

Pardon me?

Enough with the wishes.

No more wishes today.

Tomorrow, maybe we talk, but
today, you done fresh out of

Wishes.

Ha ha ha.

Have you forgotten who be the
master in this scenario?

Shazzan.

Yeah, that is.

That's a big gee whiz.

Say, what do you say we figure a
way out of here?

You got any weapons, detonators,
fulminate of mercury?

No.

Just this magic rope and
vanishing dust.

Oh, and the opal of knowledge.

The opal of knowledge!

Kazowie!

Thanks.

I'll just--yeah, thank you.

What say we use the go-away dust
on old chuckie here...

Whilst nancy and peanut take a
little magic carpet ride.

Hand me that rope, dear.

Hmm.

Let's get this circus rolling.

[Engine starts]
go ahead, but make it fast.

Aren't we missing something?

Uh, what?

You're attorneys.

My god, yes!

I apologize, your honor.

My mind was taken--
by other matters.

You got 5 minutes.

[Dialing]
ahem.

Oh, great nards of nazir.

[Zips up]
shazzan!

And shazzan.

[Zipper unzips]
and shazzan.

[Whimpering]
where am i?

Good.

Back to normal.

Call a witness.

Yeah, um...

Before that, your honor,
I'd like to...

Bring it to...

Um...

He doesn't know what he's
doing.

I told him so.

The, oh, gosh.

What do you call the--
court.

It's where--
court's attention.

Court's attention.

Uh, what are you doing?

That...

Er, uh...

Opposing counsel has been...

With...

Withholding evidence.

Are you insane?!

I like the old harvey better.

Al-a-ka bweeoo!

[Grunts]
old school.

Um...

Withholding evidence,
evidence vital to my client's

Defense.

Namely, a magic disk.

I haven't withheld it.

I've forgotten where I put it.

Big difference.

And even if I had it,
I'd never turn it over to this

Madman!

What the--
I may be mad,

But you are finished.

Uh, who are you talking to?

Um, you.

Name.

Mufti.

[Wind howls]
huh?

That you, birdman?

Oh.

Hey.

Regarding the talc situation--
you're out of it!

Potamus?

Huh?

Did you flush?

Who said that?

I did, fatass.

Mine god!

A talking animal...

Just ain't right!

Skeevin' me out!

Of course!

That's where I put it!

[Unzips]
say it!

What?

Say the words--
on the magic urinal disk.

They won't work if I say it.

I would, but I forgot my
reading glasses.

Oh, for pete's--
say it!

Oh, you don't talk.

Who is going to say these
words?!

Rawk, I will!

Great!

A bird?!

Eh, I guess it will work.

Fill the cup.

This cup?

That cup.

Anything.

Just please, for god's sakes say
the words!

Muzzy tah!

[Wind howls]
well, everybody,

We have our old buddy avenger to
thank for getting us out of that

Jam.

Let's give him the 21-bird
salute.

[g*nsh*t]
[scream]

I've got it!

What?

My new office motif:
arabian knight...

With a "kn."

Get it?

I know a great decorator.

Why didn't I think of that
before?

The bird's test results came
back.

Low sperm count, ha ha,
and frighteningly high levels

Of--oh, my goodness, t.h.c.!

Oy.

♪ Harvey birdman is over ♪