04x08 - Harvey Birdman: Attorney General

[bunniefuu]

[ Man singing
in foreign language ]

♪ ♪

You can't set foot twice

in the same stream.

Ha ha!

Gotta buy a dream dictionary!

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring stops, gasps ]

Gotta get the lights.
Let's see.

Nope, that's not it.

Nope. And wrong.

Gasp!

Who-what-how-and-
sometimes-why am I --

My God, I'm --

The President
of the United States!

[ "Hail to the Chief" plays ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Coyote howls ]

Radio Announcer:
Speaking truth to power.

He's the most dangerous
land animal in America.

Peter Potamus!

"HippoWars"!

Today on the show,
WW2 was an inside job.

East of the Rockies,
you got "HippoWars."

Phil: Peter Potamus,
Phil Ken Sebben.

Mr. President,
what an honor!

Listen, I'm wondering
if you'd be interested

in bringing
your brand of populist,

shadily-financed wisdom

here to DC
to join my administration.

Can I still
speak truth to power

except when truth
becomes inconvenient to power?

Get out here, you!

You heard it here, folks!

I'm movin' to DC!
You got "HippoWars"!

Man: The 46.5 Hat,
in honor of our 46th

and a half president,
Phil Ken Sebben.

Made in China
but 100% all-American!

Call now and we'll include
a second hat

for just double the price.

♪ ♪

[ Typewriter clacking ]

♪ ♪

Well, dearest wife,
I did it.

I finished chapter one
of my first thriller,

"A Matter of Wife
and Death"!

Plus, I'm married.
To a woman!

Harvey, honey,
you've written 27 thrillers,

most of which are set
in airports or bus stations.

Those books don't count.
They were ghost-written

for the world's best-selling
author c*m billionaire,

Phil Ken Sebben.

If you like
Phil Ken Sebben books

written by Harvey Birdman,
buy "Terror on the Tarmac."

A Phil Ken Sebben book
written by Harvey Birdman!

Yep, it's time the world
had a book by --

[ Telephone rings ]


Harvey Birdman.

Birdman!
It's Phil.

Phil, I was going to
call you -- with news!

If your news is that
I'm President

and have no memory
of it happening,

then, by all means,
you go first.

Uh, no, mine has more to do
with publishi--

I'm the President, and I can't
be President, Birdman!

"Can't" as in "it's impossible"
and "don't want to."

We didn't even know
you were President.

We've been
off the grid.

I got married, Phil, to a --


Listen closely, Birdman.

There are people out there
who don't want

the truth to come out.

Violent, deadly people.

Buy "Violent Deadly People,"

a Phil Ken Sebben book
written by Harvey Birdman.

♪ ♪

Look out!

I forget --
was "Violent Deadly People"

set in a bus
or a train station?

I remember tiny toilets.

Anyway, you know, Birdman...
-Look out.

...I've been thinking about
another book.

This time our hero
has a loss of memory.

He wakes up,
doesn't know who he is,

but then a beautiful woman
comes and kisses him,

and in her mouth,
she's got a pill,

and the pill's got
his memories in it

from the Russian government!

Ah, Birdman!

Not sure why you're here,
but good to see you anyway!

I'm here about that
"delicate matter."

Birdman, I'm President.

They're all
delicate matters.

[ Echoing ] Don't be shy.
You're among friends here.

Except that guy.
My Secretary of, uh...

Vice President.

Secretary of
Vice President.

Get me out of this
before I do something crazy.

Like what?
Like this!

Altoids! I've been looking for
you everywhere, my darlings!


[ Gasping ]

Come to Papa Tongue.

Aah!

Uh, did you just launch
a nuke?

So me, isn't it?

And in 24 hours,
it'll reach Washington.

Don't you mean Moscow?


No, silly!

Launching a rocket at Moscow
isn't crazy.

You have to recall it!

Only another President
can recall that m*ssile.

Why can't you?


Because I'm crazy, Birdman.
We covered that.

And I'm not sure
I was even elected.

We need a real president
to get it back,

so you've got no choice

but to get me out
of being president.

You got to impeach me!

Uh...

We're waitin'.

I'll take the case?

Ha ha ha!

You can go home again!

Eh.

Tell him what we know, Special
Advisor to the President.

You're the President.
That's all we know.

Except I don't remember
running.

Nobody remembers,
especially not me.

That's all we know.


Number 46.5.

I don't understand.


Saluting. Saluting.

He was elected --


If I was elected.

Saluting.
What he said.

In a non-election year.


One-finger salute.

Someone --
I have no idea who! --

has hijacked the system.

All we know is it's not
a cabal of billionaires

who want to ram ruinous laws
down our throats

using a clueless
puppet president as cover.

If it were, I'd know.

My entire cabinet's filthy rich,
Birdman!

Filthy and rich.

They never shower
because they don't have to.

Muskmelon!

Harvey:
The Department of Justice.

And there she is.

Where? Where?
It's been 90 seconds

since I've even seen a she!

He's talkin' about
Lady Justice.

Oh.
Typical Birdman.

Your new home.

The Department of,
uh, Lawyers.

[ Clown car horn honks ]

I hereby swear you
in as the 86th...

And a half!


...Attorney Corporal!

Remember, Birdman,
you serve -- ha ha! --

at my pleasure.

It's a great honor, sir.

But isn't the job
"Attorney General"?

Look at him. First day and
he already wants a promotion.

Millennial.

Aah!
Go, go!

Everyone, meet Attorney
General Birdgirl!

AG Birdgirl, the g*ng!

Easy, fellas,
she's not here to hurt me.

She's here
to prosecute me.

Which I will do to the utmost
of my ability, sir!

But how can I prosecute
the President

when I'm really, secretly,
his daughter Judy!

No one can ever know
my secret identity

because then it'll seem
I got the job

because I'm his daughter,

and that'll derail
my father's presidency,

and I'll lose my job,
which would mean

my investigation
as Attorney General

to end his
Presidency would [gasps] end!

Gotta jet.
Have to take care of something,

but what exactly...

Would it have to do with
recalling the m*ssile you fired?

-...ended up as president!
-Got it!

-Unh!
-My inauguration!

Never had one.

But now
I'm getting impeached,

so why not combine them
into one colossal...

Both: Inaugurpeachment!

♪ ♪

I'm getting Inaugurpeached!

Let's get this party started!

Planned first, then started.


What are we thinking?

It's gotta be big!
The biggest ever!

Sure, I guess, but planning
an event is all about...

the little things.

♪ ♪

♪ Planes soar
through the skies ♪

♪ Food that's
all bite-sized ♪

♪ You won't believe
your eye ♪

♪ Tanks and m*ssile floats ♪

♪ Travel-sized
bars of soaps ♪

♪ I'm already
in black-tie ♪

♪ 'Cause we're planning
an Inaugurpeachment ♪

♪ So big it'll be fit
for kings ♪

♪ I'll tell you my
party-planning secret ♪

♪ It's all about
the little things ♪

♪ The biggest marching bands ♪


♪ You've got tiny hands ♪

♪ Not proportional
to my glands ♪

Ha ha!

♪ It will be so fun ♪

♪ Never to be outdone ♪

Back off!
♪ I've got a shrink g*n ♪

♪ Wanna know his
party-planning secret? ♪

♪ It's all about
the little things ♪

♪ It's gonna be
so stupendous ♪

♪ Tiny things are
so tremendous ♪

♪ It's all about
the little things ♪

Birdman, meet our
amazing assistant...

Dierdre!

I...don't see anyone.

She's right there.
You're offending her.

Uh, hi, there,
"Dierdre."
[ Chimes ]

Harvey Birdman...


Gaah!

...an attorney
and former superhero

who now writes political
thriller/spy novels.

Would you like to hear
his theme song?

Man: Ha! Come on.

♪ Who is the man in the suit? ♪

♪ Who is the cat
with the beak? ♪

♪ Harvey Birdman,
Attorney General ♪

Yoww!

Dierdre, any messages?


[ Chimes ]

I ordered more
fabric-softener sheets,

and there are 19 hours
before Washington

is destroyed
by a nuclear weapon.

Man, I haven't whiffed
a dryer sheet in years.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Mmm.
Total sense memory.

Dierdre, how do you
impeach a president?

Researching.

Would you like to hear songs

from Turner's music library?

♪ ♪

Aah!

♪ ♪

Seven hours and no closer
to a smoking g*n.

Egg roll?

It's nearly impossible
to impeach a president.

I can't put my finger
on why,

but I feel like
the answer's in here.

Wait.
That's it!

Which is why, I said
with disdain in my voice,

you can't tell
a cannoli joke anymore.

They've declared w*r
on cannoli jokes, Potabots!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Peter, Peter, can I just
ask you a question?

Where does your funding
come from for PeterPotaPAC?

Well, you're so smart,
you tell me.

That's $19.95!

That one's on the house.

And by on the house,
I mean $12.95.

♪ ♪

No, I think the book
argues the opposite.

I'm reading a great book.

Oh? What's it about?


Eh...

Carefully...

It's about...

talking about great books
you've read at parties.

I haven't heard of it.

Do you have that book
about talking

about great books
you've read at parties?

Hey, should we be stocking
the book about

talking about great books
you've read at parties?

Hey, Raleigh, you realize
I can't hear you

until I open the door,
right?

-I want the book!
-Where's the book?!

Man: You want us to come
to bookstores!

Man #2: What is a bookstore
without the book?!

Computer: Searching. Error.
No such product.

Man #3: Error 404?

[ Electricity crackling ]

Aah!

♪ ♪

Mr. President,
the invitations are ready.

Come to daddy!

"The Presidential Inaugural
Committee

requests the honor
of your presence

at the Inaugurpeachment
of Philippian Kenneth Sebben,

President of
the United States --

for now -- tonight,

Annnnnnnd tweeting.

He's tweeting again!
We gotta hurry!


[ Phone chimes ]

Dierdre,
please send him in.

[ Chimes ]
Playing deposition classics.

♪ ♪

Have a seat, Mr. Potamus.

[ Chuckles ]
Love the vibe.

We've been doing
some digging and --

Fine! You got me!

The book doesn't exist!

I get nervous makin'
small talk at parties!

What are you
talking about?

Mr. Potamus,
we wanted to ask you --

Fine!
You got me!

I helped get Phil Ken Sebben
elected,

but you'll never be able
to prove it!

♪ ♪

I don't even got hooves!
I got hands!

You weren't supposed
to get this far.

We're fa--
Shh!

Th-Th-They'll try
to silence me.

Deadly people.

violent, deadly people
are comin' for me!

You tell us what you know
about how Dadd--

Phil -- got elected,

and we'll get you protection
and a good sentence.

You and nouns
and verbs.

What the hell.
I'm done in this town.

Everything you need
to know.

Right here.

Ice cream?
No, Iceland!

The country!

You try cursivein'
with hooves!

[ Tropical birds chirping ]

'Kay.

Oof.

'Kay...

'Kay...
Noh-kay!

So, let me
get this straight, man.

We are doing all this, man,
just in case he's coming over?

Oh, he'll come over,
all right.

Overdue for a visit.

Only a matter of time.

Think the comma's
too much?

I thought you had like,
moved on, man.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I have!

I just want him to see
that I have moved on!

Needs to see it!

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Coughs ]

I've gotta give up dairy.
No!

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no!

Those mangoes took hours
to ball!

[ Telephone ringing ]

Tangy! Phone!

Eh.
Bring it.

Ernie, it's me.

Aburfed?
Me who?

Me me! Phil!

Oh, that's good.


Ken Sebben!

Who's that?


My first name? Phil!

What?
Yeah,
ol' Phil Ken Sebben!

Eh.


No, that's my middle name.

Uh, ri.
Sebben?

Uh, think it's Polish.
Don't know.


[ Snoring ]

Listen, I'm having
an Inaugurpeachment,

and I need a big,
enormous, dumbass stunt

that's not gonna
bankrupt the Treasury

because I ran
as a fiscal conservative.

-No, you didn't.
-Money's no object.

Yo!
Have at it.

[ Motor revving ]

You think this is it?

Harvey: Uh...

Man: Your cares are erased,
your troubles gone...

and just like that,
your cares are erased.

Cares, cares,
cares are erased, gone...

Uh...

Want to strangle your kids?

Want to strangle
someone else's kids?

Want to take a vacation
but don't have the cash?

Take a Mind Break.
-Mind break.

For a small fee, we'll take
your mind and store it

in our beautifully
temperature-controlled vault

in Upstate New York.

Mind Break --
a staycation for the mind.

Booo-weee-ooooo!
Booo-weee-oooo.

Mentok
the Mind Taker!

A huge number of
people's minds

were taken in a single day
several weeks ago.

Did you do that?!

No, that was Elon Musk.

Of course I did that!

I was paid
to break the minds

of 140 million Americans --

and a few Canadians --

so they would go to the polls
and vote a comatose

Phil Ken Sebben into office
and have no memory of doing so!

The perfect crime.

Until I told you about it.

And we have you to thank,
Harvey.

What?

You were dead --
hit by a bus.

I swooped in,
mind-broke you,

and repaired your body here
in the lab --

and while I was at it, used you
as an external hard drive

for my extensive airport
thriller audiobook collection!

You were the first
Mind Breaker, the Prototype.

Which is why
I named you Adam.

But my name's Harvey.


I call you Adam.

Who paid you?!

I hope you brought
your hearin' ears,

because I'm about to --


[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, that's the UPS guy.

If I'm not up there
within 15 seconds,

I'm out of toilet paper
for a month.

Bump me.

Latitude
and l-o-o-o-ongitude!

Why do I have an erec--


Oh, that's mine.

Give it back.
Bwoop.

Dierdre: Traffic accident
reported ahead.

Road may be wet.

Recalculating.

Wheeee! Oh!

Hey, it's Harvey, right?

♪ ♪

Exit elevator.

In 32 steps, the destination
will be behind the door.

Um, if you want the room, you
have to book it through the app.

Blast the flex-workers.

Want my dad's password
or whatever?

Nah, I just wait
till somebody

puts the whole episode
up on YouTube.

Ohh!

The destination
is in the desk.

♪ ♪

If you're looking for
your stapler, I already sold it.

And your house.

Market was hot.

Harvey: Quick update.

Number one -- there's a m*ssile
headed toward Washington

that'll impact in an hour.


[ Gasping ]

Two -- President Phil Ken Sebben
fired that m*ssile.


[ Gasping ]

Three -- because he's crazy.


[ Gasping ]

Please hold your gasps
until the end. Yes, Hallie?

So you're saying
he's crazy?


Yes.

He was never elected because
it's not an election year.

Everyone's brain
was put on pause.

You woke up with a new President
and didn't question it.

It took President Sebben
to question it --

brave, noble and...

my daddy.

Is that a euphemism?

Did the President force
you to role-play?

And who was behind
this illegitimate presidency?

Well, I have the receipt
right here.

It was...

ice cream?
Who?

Fine!
You got me!

I did it
for the merch.

These hats
are a gold mine!

And when he's impeached, these
tings'll be collector's items!

You still owe me
$12.95.

Come on, people,
we got our party to get on!

Now that we've established
this man wasn't elected,

we can reinstate the former
President to recall the m*ssile.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Black Vulcan!

Miss me much?

"Hey, everyone,
we're post-racial!"

Uh, what am I doing again?

Key won't turn.
That's bad, right?

It's supposed to turn,
isn't it?

Of course it won't!

I'm not impeached!

Read your Constitution, people!

Swiped this from
a Gold Star family.

I might have an idea.

[ Chuckles ]

Now somebody needs me.

Just as I planned going
on two decades ago.

The prey becomes the...

mm...

the prey.

X, remember that rocket I had
you build, from the, uh...

the black budget?


The one we built
for k*ller asteroids?

And white supremacists,
yeah, that one.

We need you to fire it
at a m*ssile headed towards DC.

Oh!
Okay, then!

Let me just --
uh, wait a second here.

What if there is
a k*ller asteroid?

Come on!


Right, right,
tomorrow's problem.

Here we go!

[ Motor sputters ]

Come on, come on!

[ Motor starts ]

[ Dials clicking, squeaking ]

[ Whistling ]

Hey, you guys do
a pizza roll?

Hey!
I didn't order this!

It was sent
by someone special.

Normally, I'd question why
the last part of your sentence

was said so ominously,
but this sushi ain't normal.

It's scrum-choo-us.

Could I get another pair
of chopsticks?

Gaah!
[ Choking ]

They got me!

Violent, deadly people
got me!

Hey, ginger!

Aah!

Uh, can we
hurry this up?

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Phil: Not it.
What?

Don't know what rocket that was,
but it's not the one I launched.

He's right,
there's another rocket.

You got to impeach me.

[ "Hail to the Chief" plays ]

♪ ♪


Jumpin' the sw-a-a-a-amp!

[ Motor revs ]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪

Aah!

♪ ♪

A-n-n-nd we're impeached!

The penalty for defacing
a monument

is up to five months
in prison or impeachment!

Way to go Da-sident Phil!

Not the Samuel Hahnemann
Memorial!

Invented homeopathic medicine.
Completely saved my sinuses.

Look.

I, Black Vulcan,
do solemnly swear --

The rest is boilerplate.
Push it!

After years
of ghost writing,

I was ready not only
to write my own book

but make myself
the hero of my own book.

And the hero...

of your own life.

Oh, meh.

I'm ready to stop --


I'm here to announce
my new book --

"United States of Amnesia,"
by Phil Ken Sebben!

And soon to be a major
motion picture,

starring Tyler Perry
as me.

But, you know...
urban.

[ Birds singing ]

Fish dinner tonight,
honey?

Stylist: "Even though theirs
was a loving marriage,

and Harvey didn't
own any firearms,

a jury found him --
and only him --

and certainly not
Phil Ken Sebben, guilty of...

wife and death."
Wait, wait.

Who framed Harvey?

Shush.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ Inhales deeply ]

I live.

I live to send more tings!

Hey, ginger.

Aah!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪