05x23 - A Day Without Baxters

[bunniefuu]

Alice, stop messing
with the sound system.

You're missing Quake-tastrophe.
It's the best disaster movie ever.

Pop-Pop bought this system
so we'd have surround sound.

It's not the same if we're
not surrounded by sound.

There. Done. Set it to three.

Let's see how that feels.

- [loud boom]
- [Alice screams, grunts]

Whoa.

If that was three,
then what's eight?

Let's not find out.

I don't get why you watch these
dumb disaster movies anyway.

- They're not scientifically accurate.
- This one is.

It was written by a
Geological Survey scientist.

The science is spot on,

but the dialogue sounds like it was
written by a Geological Survey scientist.

In this one, a mega-quake hits
right here in San Francisco.

If it's so accurate,
where's the Golden Gate Bridge?

- Wrapped around the football stadium.
- Where's the football stadium?

It lands in Wisconsin.

[cow moos] - A herd of cows
floating down the freeway?

Earthquakes don't do that.

- But tsunamis do.
- Yeah, they do.

After a mega-quake, nothing
would be safe from the tsunamis.

Well, except fish.

But they shouldn't be up there.

Well, that would
never happen, right?

[chuckles] Because there's never been a
single mega-quake anywhere in the world.

Of course not. Until it does.

And when it happens,
it'll come out of nowhere like

Boom!

Well, um, what
happens to all of us?

I... I mean, them. You know,
the people in the movie.

Because, you know,
that would never happen.

The few people who
were prepared are safe.

Everyone else has
to rely on him.

The shirtless dude
with the great abs.

- The guy with the pet monkey?
- Oh, yeah.

We're doomed.

Theme Song...

♪ Ha ha!
Let me tell you something ♪

♪ Had my vision all worked out ♪

- ♪ But then life had other plans
- ♪ Tell 'em, Mom ♪

♪ It's crazy when things
Turn upside down ♪

♪ But you gotta get up
And take that chance ♪

- ♪ A new city, I'm finding my way
- ♪ It's gonna take some time ♪

- ♪ Yeah, we're gonna be okay ♪
- ♪ You know I got it, right? ♪

♪ It might be wild But you
know that we make it work ♪

♪ We're just fam caught up
In a crazy world, come on! ♪

- ♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
- ♪ We get loud! ♪

- ♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪
- ♪ It's our crowd! ♪

♪ Might be tough But
together we make it look good ♪

♪ Down for each other
like family should ♪

- ♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
- ♪ When it's tough ♪

- ♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪
- ♪ We got love ♪

♪ 'Cause no matter the weather
You know we gonna shine ♪

♪ There for each other
You know it's our time ♪

[laughs] Yep, that's us.

Aah!

- Neil, what... what are you wearing?
- [Groans]

My favorite shirt. Yeah.
My abuelita made it for me.

- She flies in today.
- When did she give it to you?

When I was six.

Yeah. Still fits.

Does it?

Okay, so Pete's Meats delivering
at 10:00, Trish's Fishes at 10:30,

which means Reggie's Veggies
can't come until 11:00.

Well, what time does
Ted's Breads get here?

[laughs]

Yeah, I would never use Ted.

I wanted to use Fred,
but unfortunately Fred's dead.

So we get our breads from Ned.

Oh, which reminds me, he
can't be here until after 2:00.

[sighs] Victor, I'll never understand
why scheduling the monthly food delivery

has to be so complicated.

Trust me. It's a science.
It has to be this way.

Okay, so where can we squeeze in
Karen's Lobsters?

Wait. Karen's Lobsters?

What?

They don't all have to rhyme.

I can't wait to have all of my
favorite people in one place.

You and Abuelita?
Ah, it's gonna be the best.

Uh-huh.

- Especially 'cause she's half robot.
- Cool.

Booker!

Sorry, man.

It's just that Cami's on that
school trip to Costa Rica,

and she said she'd call me
when she got there.

But it's been six days.

Do you think she's been
kidnapped by pirates?

I bet she just forgot to call.

Somehow that's worse.

Maybe she's just busy.

I mean, Costa Rica is
a wonder of sights and sounds.

Plus, I bet Cami and Ash have a
lot of catching up to do. [Chuckles]

Did you know Costa Rica
has 17 types of parrots?

- Is that true?
- Well, I'm sure some are parakeets but...

No. About Ash.

Cami didn't tell me her
ex-girlfriend was going on the trip.

Mmm. Probably because
she knew you'd trip.

Ha! [Laughs] See
what I did there with the

I think that shirt's cutting off
the oxygen to your brain.

[laughs] You must
be so embarrassed.

No one on the PTA volunteered
to be your partner

to decorate the barracuda
for the school float.

Doesn't that mean no one
volunteered to be your partner?

We're talking about you, Baxter.

Listen, Alana,
you are lucky to have me, okay?

We're gonna make the most beautiful
barracuda float the school has ever seen,

and we're gonna start by getting
a whole bunch of blue roses.

Blue roses? Could
you be more tacky?

Yeah, I could be you.

Look, I looked at every
picture Cami posted.

Ash isn't in any of 'em.

That's weird,
'cause Cami's in all of Ash's.

What? Let me see that.

Oh, hey, I was wondering

if tomorrow you'd have lunch
with me and my abuelita.

- Yeah, sure. Whatever.
- You're not listening again, are you?

Look, they're on the beach
together! This is bad.

Aw. I'm glad Cami's
not there alone.

That's something you wanna
experience with someone special.

[rumbling, rattling]

That is what a mega-quake would
be like, but a million times worse.

W... What's that, Tasha?

No, you can't go
again. This is serious.

My family needs an
earthquake plan.

Maybe Cami called,
and I didn't hear it.

Booker, quick,

if a quake destroyed half the
world, what would you do?

I'll boost the volume
of my ringtone.

Who cares about your ringtone?

The earth is gonna swallow us.

We need a plan, man.

[buzzes]

There'd be no food.
No clean water.

Just mass destruction.

- I know what to do.
- You do?

Yeah. Yeah, I'ma stay glued to
my phone until Cami calls.

No, no, no, no! That's
not what I meant!

Pop-Pop, we need to
have a serious talk.

- What if there's a disaster?
- Not now, Alice.

Gene's Beans just rescheduled
their delivery

for the same time as Jai's Pies.

So?

So, Jai and Gene haven't spoken
since their divorce.

The restaurant supply community
has more drama than a soap opera.

Tulips? No, they're almost
as bad as carnations.

Don't do anything until
I get there, okay?

Uh, uh, that better be Spanish
for "see you tomorrow."

Auntie Rae, we need a plan
in case there's a disaster.

There's no bigger disaster than my
name on a barracuda made of carnations.

Oh, come on.

It's like they don't
wanna be saved.

Hey, Ivy, how'd you
like to have some fun

teaching my family the importance
of being prepared for an earthquake?

Fun?

Like "make a slides how with cool
fonts and motion graphics" fun?

- Better.
- We talkin' "sound effects" fun?

Girl, you really need to live it
up before the mega-quake hits.

How we doing?

Time to see what
number eight does.

- [clicks]
- [rumbling]

[Booker] What is happening?

- Earthquake!
- Earthquake!

Wait a minute. Is
that my moisturizer?

Never mind, earthquake!

Okay, well, what do we do?

Quick! Go to the basement.

I built a bunker down there.
We'll be safe. Just go, go, go!

[rumbling continues]

[Raven] Okay, okay, okay.
Come on, come on.

[huffing] I can't remember
the last time I ran that fast.

Oh, it was when they were giving
away free ice cream at the park.

It was a rhetorical question.

I miss Chicago.

The earth there does what
the earth is supposed to do.

- Stay still.
- Yeah.

- Here, have some water.
- Thank you.

Good looking out, Ivy.

Ivy? How'd you get down here?

I helped Alice set up her
disaster drill. You're welcome.

A disaster drill? It's a drill!

That was a fake quake?

Y'all got me running around this
house for a fake quake?

I needed a way to show
you guys how important it is

to be prepared for a disaster.

I mean, you never know when
something bad is gonna happen.

I do.

It's about to happen to you right
now. You are grounded for a month.

- No, no, no!
- Calm down. A month is not that harsh.

No, there's no signal down here.

- I mean, what if Cami calls?
- Booker, hurry up, okay?

I gotta get to the school before
Alana ruins the parade float.

And today's delivery day. I
have to get to The Chill Grill.

The locks won't
open. We're trapped.

We're not trapped. Let me do it.

[door rattles]

Booker's right. We're trapped.

- I can't believe it.
- I know.

I'm never right.

I mean, we're trapped,
and there's no phone signal?

I know! Cami's probably trying to
call me right now, don't you think?

- Nah, she ain't trying to call you.
- Are you kidding? [Scoffs]

That's cold.

At least we're prepared
for a disaster.

I mean, I've outfitted
us with enough supplies,

we could stay down
here for months.

[all] Months?

Okay, everyone, relax. I found
tools. I'll get us out of here.

Okay, pliers, a hammer.

An old trumpet?

[squealing] My old trumpet!

I used to play this all the time
in third grade.

I was just going around the
house [imitates trumpet]

And then it just...
Just disappeared.

You told me the
tooth fairy took it.

- I'ma take a look at that lock.
- [Raven] Mm-hmm.

Hey, what about joining the
thingamabob to the whatchamacallit?

There is no "thingamabob."

This is the most complicated
locking system I've ever seen.

I have to get out of here. If I leave
Alana alone for one more second,

she's gonna take our barracuda
and ruin it.

Raven, the woman is a school principal.
I'm sure she'll do the right thing.

She's a professional.

♪ Raven's late, Raven's late
I'm gonna use carnations ♪

I bet she's taunting me
with a song right now.

That's what I'd do.

I gotta get to The Chill Grill to
make sure Gene unloads his beans

before Larry gets
there with his berries.

Why do Gene and
Larry have a problem?

Because Jai left
Gene to marry Larry.

That's why I have a schedule.

[chuckles] I'm sure Lazlo will
keep Gene and Larry apart.

Hey, Larry. Hey,
do you know Gene?

Oh.

[both] Chicken arms. Stomp,
stomp. Salt, salt. Bump, bump.

[Abuelita laughing]

You think our good luck ritual
still works, Abuelita?

Well, let's scratch off this
next ticket and see.

[gasps]

Jackpot!

- Two free doughnuts!
- Yes!

Aah, but the doughnut
shop's in Utah.

Well, then let's hope one of these
other tickets is a free trip to Utah.

[laughs]

Oh, mijo, I have missed you. And I
can't wait to meet your friend Booker.

I can't either.

- I've told him all about you.
- Ah.

How you love casinos,
you make the best mole,

and how you only eat at
restaurants that have punch cards.

[gasps]

Oh, speaking of,
we have to stop by Blimpo's.

I have a free lemon pie
with my name on it.

Uh, Gene, is everything okay?

[clatters]

Uh, hey, I'm sensing
a little tension.

So when is your
friend getting here?

Mmm. Any minute.
And you're gonna love him.

Booker and I are always getting
into crazy adventures,

whether it's chasing giant runaway
burgers or catching criminals.

You know, the usual stuff.

Sounds unbelievable.

That's nothing.
Let me tell you about the time

Booker and I had to rescue
a skateboarding barracuda.

Oh, Neil, you and your stories.

Well, if you like them now, wait till
Booker tells you the same ones later.

Then my dad accused
me of being extra.

I know, right?

I nearly burst into tears,

but I had just paid a grand to
get my eyelashes dyed turquoise

to match my new brunch outfit,
and I couldn't risk smearing.

Hold on.

Raven?

That's weird.

I'm an hour late for work, and
the woman that's kinda in charge...

Yeah, the one that I
said still wears pleats

isn't here yet.

I'm worried.

No, not about her. About me.
I'm here before Raven again.

"Fashionably early" better be a
thing, otherwise I'm just tacky.

It's been two hours, and those
locks haven't budged an inch.

How did I get locked
in a basement?

Technically, it's a bunker.

Little girl.

If I have to be the hero, I will.
Okay? Wear this so I can get a signal.

Oh, so you can call for help?

Well, no. I can't call for help.
What if Cami calls?

It's not like I'm sweating
that she's on a trip with her ex.

[scoffs] Please.

What girl would wanna
give up all of this?

Who are you supposed to be?

The Tin Man?

No. The Tin Man had a brain.

Okay, I don't see
those locks opening.

- I'm working as fast as I can.
- It's not fast enough.

- It's not so bad down here.
- You know, maybe she's right.

At least now I don't have
to listen to Alana brag

about how much she loves
her carnation barracuda.

I hate it.

Maybe it would be
better with roses.

No, no, no. That's exactly
what Baxter wants me to think.

That's why she didn't show up today.
She wants me to second -guess myself.

She's manipulating me.

Okay, Baxter, I see
what you're up to.

[ringing] - [Raven] Oh,
snap. You missed me.

- Leave a message. Bye.
- [beeps]

Oh, so now you're not
gonna answer your phone.

Fine.

I was only calling to tell you I
don't wanna talk to you. So there.

Call me back.

Raven, worst case scenario, your
name is on a lousy parade float.

If I don't get out of here, I might
not have a restaurant to go to.

Isn't that a little dramatic?

Gene, I'm not telling you again.

Do not spray Larry in the face.

You know that's
not what I meant.

Wait! No!

Don't chase him into
the walk-in, Larry.

With those wet pants, you
will freeze your butt off. Literally!

Ooh, another time,

I was at Booker's house,
and a doll came to life.

- Uh-huh.
- [stuttering] And once,

Booker and his mom stole
a patient from the hospital

and rode the gurney down the
stairs like a bobsled.

Oh, wait. Now I understand.

Huh. You do? 'Cause
hospital security sure didn't.

Booker is your imaginary friend.

Well, you had lots of
them when you were little.

No, no. No. Booker's
real. I promise.

That's what you said
about your "friend" Alister.

You made me set a place for him
at Thanksgiving.

[scoffs] I was six

teen.

Come on. Let's go
get you an ice cream.

I don't want ice cream. I wanna
show you that Booker's real.

But there's a great ice cream
place on the way there.

Oh.

Larry, get Gene off the counter.

[clattering]

Okay, you know that's
not what I meant.

Ew, I'm so bored,
I'm doing sports.

Ew, I'm so bored, I
just cleaned my desk.

[knocks]

Oh, I don't accept packages.
I just work here.

Ew, I'm so bored,
I'm doing my job.

Why does work happen
to hot people?

♪ We're stuck in a bunker ♪

♪ Don't know when I'll be free ♪

♪ I hope Alice built a toilet ♪

♪ 'Cause I think I gotta pee ♪

This is t*rture.

I know, right?

He's talking about
your performance.

- [Ivy] It's so weird.
- [Raven] Oh, really?

You too, Ivy? Okay,
you know what?

For the record, I haven't
practiced since third grade.

Thanks, Dad.

- No, the locks.
- Did you get it open?

You know, that's just it. It
looks like someone cut the wires.

What?

Who'd wanna keep
us locked in here?

Play another song, Auntie Rae.

Do you know, uh,
"Single Ladies"?

Oh, Mama. Mama, play
"Single Ladies."

You single.

Your phone ain't ringing.

Alice, builder of this bunker,

do you know something?

[stuttering] I know
a lot of things.

Little girl.

Ivy said a big quake can happen
at any second, and I got scared.

I wanted to keep everyone safe.

[stuttering] For the record,
I just wanted to do a slides how.

There's something
Alice is afraid of?

I've seen her yawn
on a roller coaster.

Her first pet was a tarantula.

She looks the dentist in the eye
and says, "Bring it."

Booker! Let her talk!

Unless she still is talking.

I can't hear anything in here.

Is it the helmet or the age?

Well, when I watched
that disaster movie,

and pictured everyone I love
being in danger,

I freaked out.

So, you decided to lock us in a bunker
instead of telling us how you really felt?

Yeah.

I was embarrassed.

Aw, you don't have to be embarrassed.
Everybody's afraid of something.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

No! I'm serious.

It's always good
to talk about it.

You'll feel so much better if
you just say what you're afraid of.

Go ahead. Blurt it out!

The real reason I've been so
desperate to talk to Cami is

because I'm afraid she's gonna leave
me for Ash because I'm not good enough.

And I'm scared you all are gonna be mad
at me for letting Alice watch that movie.

Oh, I do feel better.

No, no. That fear is legit.

Booker, I know we tease you,
but you are a catch.

And Cami is lucky to have you.

I should know. I'm your mama.

Yeah.

Cami's off living her life.

Maybe you should
be living yours.

Auntie Rae, do you have a fear?

No, girl. I ain't
got no fear. [Laughs]

[sighs] Okay. Well, um

Maybe it was moving
back to San Francisco.

Everything's changed, and...

I think that's why I like
arguing with Alana.

It's just like the only thing
that feels familiar.

Wow, Mom.

- That's deep.
- Yeah.

You know, she's like
your favorite pair of shoes.

Comfortable, old,
leathery-looking.

Ooh, that's a good one!
Girl, get us out of here.

I'm wasting my best material.

Hey, Victor? I need your help.

Not because there's a problem
at The Chill Grill.

[both scream]

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

That's Booker? I didn't
expect him to be so old.

No offense.

- None taken.
- [trumpeting]

- What was that?
- I think it's coming from the basement.

Sounds like a sick cow.

Sick cow?

- Must be Raven.
- [both laugh]

Dang it! I wish she was here right
now. I'm wasting my best material.

[playing trumpet]

[whirring, clicks]

- All the locks are open.
- [Raven] Okay.

Wha... The door's stuck. It
feels like something's holding it.

[clears throat] Step aside.

Let a man handle it.

You see me struggling.
Help me pull.

Pull, Lazlo! Is
that all you've got?

Today was leg day at the gym!

Put your back into it.

And your front and
your sides! Pull!

Pull like it's a slot
machine, Abuelita!

[all straining]

Pull!

Oh, I need to win a treadmill.

- [Alice screaming]
- [Booker] Whoo.

- Raven! You're okay.
- Alana, you saved us!

- Oh, I can't stand you.
- Girl, bye.

I'm only here because I wanted to tell
you how hideous your float ideas are.

Do you really think I wanna
argue with you,

being that I've been
in a basement all day?

You right. I do.
Let me go pee first.

Victor, we have a situation.

- Larry and Gene are...
- Did Jai show up with her pies yet?

- Not yet.
- Then we still have a chance.

Yes.

Booker, what happened?

Dude. Alice made a fake quake
and locked us in the basement.

So I made a giant antenna
out of garden tools

so I could try to get a phone signal
while my mom was playing a trumpet

that my grandpa said was stolen
by the tooth fairy.

Then you guys showed up.

Ha! That's exactly what I
thought happened.

See, Abuelita? I told
you Booker is real.

Dios mío, I'm so sorry I
didn't believe you, mijo.

But your stories,
they sounded so...

Wild? Unthinkable?
Mind-boggling?

Yeah. You get used to it.

Booker. In order to survive
all these adventures,

you must have amazing luck.

[smacks lips] I guess I do.

Good. What do you
know about scratchers?

We have a chance
to split a lifetime supply

of aluminum siding.

Well, Alice?

I bet you'll never lock people
in a basement bunker again.

No promises. I'm young.

[laughs] Come on.
Let's get out of here.

[cell phone buzzing]

Hey.

You good, Booker?

[chimes, buzzing stops]

Yeah, Neil. Actually, I am.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where am I supposed to store
all this aluminum siding?

Also, what...

What is aluminum siding?

Wow. [Laughs]

It's so clean in here.

Wait a minute. Is there another
loft above The Chill Grill?

Raven. While you were gone,

I realized there's a lot of work
around here being neglected.

So I made a to-do list.

Wow.

Nikki, I am impressed.

Let me know when you order
lunch. That's number seven.

What... This to-do
list is for me?

I guess you could
hire an assistant.

You are the assistant.