06x02 - European Rae-cation: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Let me get this straight.

Alice secretly switched places

with the duchess
who looks just like her.

And I'm the one
who figured it out?

Why are you asking it
like a question?

You know that's exactly
what happened.

Because no one's
giving me credit

for being the one
who figured it out.

Raven, how could you steal
a duchess and then lose her?

What, me? You've been here
the whole time.

Everyone knows I have
no control over this family.

You're right. You're right.

ALICE: [on phone]
Auntie Rae, you still there?

Oh, Alice! Yes. Hi.

Okay, listen,
there's no need to panic.

Why are you saying
there's no need to panic?

Because there's just, like,
no reason to panic.

But you sang it
in that high-pitched voice.

Makes me feel like
I need to panic.

Alice, listen, alright?

We are going to bring
the duchess back to the palace,

swap her for you, and no one
will ever know this happened.

All we have to do is,
like, find her first.

You lost Duchess Clementine?

What am I supposed to do?

Uh, stall. Buy us some time.

ALICE: Hurry. I don't know
how much more of this I can take.

[gasps] Are they torturing you?

No. But, uh, Vicky,

the royal foot masseuse,
is not great.

Girl, bye.

Okay, look, the duchess
couldn't have gotten far.

Let's split up
and search for her.

Six hours. You've been
in London six hours.

This is a new record
for hijinks.

Dad, Dad, stop it.

Now is not the time
for compliments. Let's go.

[theme music playing]

♪ Ha, ha!
Lemme tell ya somethin' ♪

♪ Had my vision
all worked out ♪

-♪ But then life had other plans ♪
-♪ Tell 'em, Mom ♪

♪ It's crazy when things
turn upside down ♪

♪ But ya gotta get up
and take that chance ♪

♪ New city,
I’m finding my way ♪

♪ It’s gonna take some time ♪

-♪ Yeah, we're gonna be okay ♪
-♪ Ya know I got you, right? ♪

♪ It might be wild, but ya
know that we make it work ♪

♪ We're just fam
caught up in a crazy world ♪

-♪ C'mon! ♪
-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪

-♪ We get loud! ♪
-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪

♪ It's our crowd! ♪

♪ Might be tough,
but together ♪

♪ We make it look good ♪

♪ Down for each other
like family should ♪

-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
-♪ When it's tough ♪

-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪
-♪ We got love ♪

♪ 'Cause no matter the weather,
ya know we gon' shine ♪

♪ There for each other,
ya know it's our time ♪

[Raven laughing]

Yep! That's us.

♪ ♪

Your Ladyship,

that lunch
could not have gone better.

You impressed the King so much,

he wants to hear you play
the harpsichord.

[British accent]:
I don't think I can.

Of course, you can.

I've been teaching you
since you were four.

Performing for the King
is all we've ever dreamed of.

I-I mean, you. It's your dream.

I just devoted my entire life
to making it come true.

No, I mean,

I can't play the harpsichord.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

You're nervous?

Yep. That's it. I'm nervous.

I feel as if I've never played

the harpsichord before.

Or even, like,
like, touched one.

Or, like, know what one is.

Clementine,
performing for the King

is like performing for anyone.

If that anyone
could imprison you

in the Tower of London
for displeasing him.

Imprison me?

Ohh!

Oh, suddenly,
I'm not feeling so good.

Precisely why I
never touched the jellied eel.

♪ ♪

Well, we've given away
an entire month's worth of food.

These bikers are eating
a side of chill and grill.

Let's just call the police.

Oh, okay.
That one is the police.

♪ ♪

-The duchess wasn't anywhere.
-What are we going to do?

You guys relax, alright?

I just need to visit
my mind palace.

Dang it, Booker,

I told you to visit
the mind palace

before you got on the bus.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, my fun buzzer.

All the places we're never
going to get to go.

Poor fake Alice.

She was so excited
to see Westminster Abbey.

Well, we just need to think about this
how Sherlock would.

Right?

We need to eliminate
the impossible

and whatever we're left with,
no matter how improbable,

must be the solution.

So we know
she wasn't abducted by aliens.

Or do we?

Yes, we do.

That one's off the list.

-Yes! Oh, the list.
-Oh, oh, of course.

The list.

Clementine wanted to go

to all the sites
that were on your list.

Oh, sites! The list!
I still don't get it.

I'll explain it
on the way there. Come on.

Please, Your Ladyship,
you must come out.

ALICE: I cannot play
for the King.

Clementine, I know
I can be a bit rigid,

but it's because I know
how perfectly marvelous you are.

I've often thought of you
as the daughter I never had.

Watching you grow
into a young lady

has been the greatest joy
of my--

[American accent]: Man, you gotta stop.
I can't take it no more.

Thank goodness
you've come to your senses.

Wait. Why are you speaking
with that wretched accent?

Because I'm not
Duchess Clementine.

[laughs]

What a clever jape,
Your Ladyship.

I jape you not.

My name is Alice.
I'm from America.

And I traded places with
the duchess earlier today

so that I wouldn't have
to get dragged

around the city with my family.

Wait. You're an imposter?

Impersonating a member
of the royal family

is an offense of high treason.

You could be beheaded for this.

-Beheaded?
-Well, be-yelled at.

[knocking on door]

It appears it's time
for your performance.

W-what are we going to do?

Well, I am going to tell
the King about your treachery.

You are going to be punished.

Yeah, about that.

Aren't you Duchess
Clementine's nanny?

Yes.

And, uh,

didn't she go missing
on your watch?

I do not like the direction
this conversation is going.

-[knocking on door]
-[stammers]

[high-pitched voice]:
We're not in here.

You think they bought it?

[knocking on door continues]

[thuds]

I do not.

And now Duchess Clementine
will honor us

with a performance.

[applauding]

[British accent]: Your Majesty.

Friends of Your Majesty.

Honored guests.

Friends of honored guests.

Friends of Your Majesty's
friends' honored guests.

Perhaps we could begin
before William is crowned king.

[cracks knuckles]

-Clementine?
-Yes.

Yes. Here I go
playing the harpsichord.

[exhales]

[playing Mozart's
Rondo Alla Turca]

♪ ♪

[rumbling]

-[music stops]
-[all applauding]

Clementine,
that was magnificent.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

I definitely just played that.

Well, I must be off to
my afternoon fencing practice.

I don't suppose
you'd like to join me?

No.

I don't suppose I would.

I insist.

I can't pass up
the opportunity to cross swords

with Nottinghamshire's
junior fencing champion.

[door opens]

I'm a fencing champion, too?

What can't I do?

Very little, I'm afraid.

[crowd chattering, shouting]

Are you sure
this is going to work?

Dressing like bikers
to infiltrate the g*ng

from the inside
and convince them

to pay their bill
and take the party elsewhere?

Of course, it's going to work.

-Let's do this.
-[both exhale sharply]

-Sure is great being a biker!
-I hear ya!

Two wheels and the open road.

That's all I need.

You said it, brother.

[bikers cheering]

Hey, hey, hey, what say

we all hop on our hogs

and ride on out of here?

Yeah!

The food here stinks!

Well... I wouldn't say
it stinks.

I'd say it's more like
comfort food meets high cuisine.

Yeah.

Where do I know you two from?

Us?

Oh no. You don't know us.

You must be thinking
of what's... oh, someone else.

Yeah, yeah. We get mistaken
for them all the time.

I got it.

You're Big Bass and Handlebar.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's us.
Big Bass and Handlebar.

I hate Big Bass and Handlebar.

LAZLO: Oh.

That is an
incredible coincidence.

Why do you have
a tattoo of people you hate?

My mom told me
to keep my enemies close.

Oh yeah.

That's the
old battle ax right there!

Uh, look, man,
we're not those guys, okay.

We're not even bikers.
This beard, it's totally fake.

Look. [grunts]

[nervous chuckle]

It's not coming off.

I didn't want it to come off
at the wrong time.

I've seen that happen to Raven.
It is not pretty.

So I used
extra-sticky face glue.

Oh, well,
that is really not great.

Let's get out of here.

Get 'em.

I'm going to teach you a lesson

for leaving my sister
at the altar.

BIKERS: Oh!

Handlebar. How could you?

Been to every site on my list.

And one of 'em twice.

I forgot my hat. I'm sorry.

Who are you calling?

We stole a duchess.

We're going to need a lawyer.
Calling your mama.

What?
We can't afford that woman.

Tanya. We've got
a situation here.

[gasps]
I know where Clementine is.

Uh, the situation?

Uh, I can't find my phone.

Wait, I'm on it.
Never mind. Love you.

Smooth.

My first clue was her
sudden change in attitude.

Then she called
Pop-Pop "Grandfather."

But 'twas the fish and chips

that 'twas her undoing.

'Twas it? 'Twas it, really?

Get to the point, Sherlock.

Look, when Alice smelled
the fish and chips earlier,

she thought they were gross.

Then later, she suddenly
decided they were delicious?

So where's the duchess?

Elementary, my dear grandfather.

She's right where I knew
she would be.

Ha, ha!

Oh, sorry. My bad.

Look, she's right here.

[c*ck accent] Having a bit
of fishy chippies, is we, love?

Yes. And it's just as delicious
as I always...

Oh, blimey.

You are in big trouble,
young lady.

Uh, Raven, she's royalty.

Oh. You are in big trouble,
Your Highness.

Duchess Clementine.
Why did you run away like that?

Well,

my whole life has been
endless trips from palace

to castle to yacht
to chateaux to palazzo.

Are we supposed
to feel bad for this girl?

And my nanny has me
on such a strict schedule,

I've never had a chance
to just have fun.

So when Alice and I met,

I realized that it might be
my only opportunity

to just be a kid.

I'm sorry it was
at your expense.

Well, I'm very happy for you
that you had fun with us,

but we need to get you
back to the palace.

Um, just one question.

How are we supposed to get her back
without it looking like

we stole her in the first place?

Yeah. This is Buckingham Palace.

We can't just walk in there.

Or can we?

♪ ♪

Stay close, Clementine.

CLEMENTINE:
Is this going to work?

Of course, it's going to work.
We'll be in and out.

They'll never know we're here.

[thudding]

I think they know we're here.

Why aren't you two
at your posts?

Oh, just walkin'
my beat, guv'nor.

What are you doing?

I'm talking our way out of this.

Watch and learn.

[clears throat]

Catch the football
on the telly last night?

What regiment are you with?

I's with
the Fightin' 85th, I is.

There is no Fightin' 85th.

Well, then they must be
done fighting, no?

I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ask you to come with us.

-No.
-No?

-No!
-No?

[squeaky voice] No.

-[growls]
-[screams] Run! Run!

Get 'em.

I can't do this.
I've never fenced in my life.

So much the better.

The King loves to win.

Just go out there
and lose with dignity.

I flew here on my aunt's lap.

I lost my dignity
a long time ago.

En garde.

-[buzzer sounds]
-[crowd applauding]

[British accent]:
Wow, you are good.

You really swashed my buckle.

Well, I better be going.

Stop right there.

There can only be one reason
why I bested you so easily.

You let me.

Either that or you're not
really the duchess.

[laughing]

Not Duchess Clementine.

The only thing
that rivals your blade

is your wit, sire.

Enough of that.

If I wanted a kiss-up,
I'd be fencing with Rafferty.

Epic burn, sire.

One more bout.

If you don't give me your all,
I shall know.

And I shan't be pleased.

What are we going to do?

I got it.

Give me your name tag.

Perfect.

You pretend to be me
while I make a run for it.

By the time they figure out
who's who and what's what,

I'll be living in Cleveland

as NASCAR fan Brad Wilson.

Hold it together, Brad.

I've got a plan.

I'll use the magnet
from your name tag

to draw our swords together.

That's brilliant.

Ha, ha! Brilliant is what I do.

En garde!

So we got three for "punch 'em."

[bikers cheering]

Eight for "kick 'em."

[whooping and cheering]

And 27 for "push 'em down
the hill in rolling chairs."

[cheering]

We got to get out
of these disguises.

[gasps] Olive oil.

That's it.

The oil will eat
right through the glue.

If I can get my face
in that salad,

this mustache
will come right off.

How are we going
to get over there?

Follow my lead.

[exhales forcefully]

[grunting]

Oh, they're doing something.
Get 'em!

[squishing]

Ah. Ah!

That's not Handlebar.
That's the cook.

That's what we've been
trying to tell you.

Look, Mr. Snake,

this whole situation has been
one big misunderstanding.

Okay? We should have told you
when you got here,

but someone said
you were terrifying.

Well, in my defense,
you ate a lobster, shell and all.

The keratin makes my skin glow.

We feel terrible.
We never should have judged you.

Look, I get it.

In a lot of ways,

I'm like a lobster.

Hard on the outside
but soft and sweet on the inside.

Look, Mr. Snake,
I need you to pay

for all this food
or I'm going to get in trouble.

Oh, you know, I don't
want you to get in trouble.

Gettin' in trouble is
the worst feeling in the world.

Yeah.

We'll pay for it.

Oh. That is a relief.

And tips are appreciated.

[growls]

But not required. It's just a...

Oh, man!

-What a day!
-Yeah.

I bet Booker's trip to England
isn't half as crazy as this.

[both laughing]

♪ ♪

[buzzer sounds]

[buzzer sounds]

This way.

[armor creaking]

We have to get
to the royal quarters.

But be quiet.

[armor clanking]

Your skills are impressive.

It's almost as if our swords
are drawn together

like magnets.

[Alice laughing]

Magnets? Hilarious.

This guy, am I right?

[buzzer sounds]

[crowd applauding]

I yield to you,
Duchess Clementine.

It worked!

I can't believe we went
the whole day

without anyone discovering
you aren't Duchess Clementine.

RAVEN: Booker. Booker.

Booker, where you at?
I can't see. Booker.

-Booker, I can't see.
-Oh no.

Ooh, Alice,
you in trouble, girl.

Uh, seize her.

Go ahead, seize me.

Seize me and sees what happens.

Clementine.
What's the meaning of this?

Actually, Your Majesty.

[American accent]: I'm not Clementine.
My name is Alice.

I switched places
with the Duchess earlier today.

Ooh, that was today.

I thought that
that was last week.

I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

I will remove
this woman at once.

CLEMENTINE: Leave her be.

Everything Alice said is true.

You're identical.

I know. It's weird, right?

I had Alice take my place

so that I could see London
like a commoner.

But this wonderful woman
and her family

brought me back safe and sound.

We owe them a great debt.

Rafferty, did you know
about this?

I did...

He knew nothing.

Not. I did not.

I did.

I figured it out.

I'm probably the first one.

I'm Booker. Booker Baxter.
I'm a detective.

Ah, I'm sorry, Your Great Honor.

This is my son.

He's cute and all,
but he is no detective.

I just needed a day away

from the pressures
of being a royal.

Surely you know
how that feels, Your Majesty.

Yes, that I do.

I must say, Alice,
you're an impressive young lady.

Thank you.

If you ever find yourself
back in London,

let us know.

Like, seriously,
a little warning would be nice.

I promise, Your Majesty.

Hey.

Thanks for looking out for me.

It was my pleasure...

Lady Alice.

Girl, your life is crazy.

Your family is crazy.

Right. You right. You right.

Do you have something
you want to say to me?

I'm sorry I ran off.

But after the flight
and the crazy schedule,

being pampered by palace staff
was too good to pass up.

Maybe I did schedule the fun
out of our fun family vacation.

-Yeah, you did.
-I said maybe, Booker.

I know It's a trip
I'll never forget.

But, uh, can I have my own
seat on the way home?

Yeah, sure. If you have $1,500,
what do you say to that?

Goo-goo ga-ga.

I can't believe
she talked him into this.

Yeah. Yeah, if anybody should be
getting rewarded, it's me.

I solved the case.

Without me,
there wouldn't be a case.

RAVEN: Would you keep it down?

I'm getting knighted
over here, y'all.

My apologies, Your Majesty.
Continue.

-This is highly irregular.
-Just do it, King.

I dub thee Dame Raven.

Arise and be recognized.

Whoo! Ha ha!

Recognized.

Dame Raven in the house.
Come on! Ha!

Dame Raven in the house.
Come on.

Ha! Come on!