01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

And so...

The dungeon's marble floor
is completely smashed.

The recently refurbished
t*rture chamber is ruined.

We won't be torturing anyone
in there any time soon.

And there's a leak
in the ground floor toilet.

No, wait, that wasn't them.

So in total,

it will cost about 3 million. So...

The real question, Your Highness,
is how should we proceed?

My dear concierge,

I fear a decisive budgetary cut
is needed.

Ah, I see.

Knights of the Royal Hand,

the stinking filth,
the horrid bag of excrement,

the sworn enemy is back!

I've feared this news for 250 years.

The duty falls to you
to annihilate the immortal rogue

once and for all!

Yes, my King!
The immortal rogue will be chastened.

A fate worse than death hastened!

Whoa, out here is as bad as inside.

Holy cow!

I thought it was only people
in jail who were hideous

Which is why we must lift the curse.
The prophecy and all...

Nah, these peasants are just plain ugly,

Hey you; know how ugly you are?

- What's wrong?
- Stop it! The hero of the prophecy

can't speak like that!

Relax. The truth hurts.
You know what I mean.

Please shut up.

Easy, sweetheart! No need to be all
grouchy just because you lost a hand.

Look on the bright side.

First, you don't have the Malaise.

Second, your hand-washing time
is cut in half!

Let's be clear, one more hand joke

and I'll stick my stump
in your eye. OK?

Is your sense of humor amputated too?

That really hurt!
Are you crazy?

What's the clown drinking?

I want a nice, big beer!
A man-size pint!

I've a golden IPA specialty beer,
a lukewarm pumpkin-spice lager,

or a triple-fermented bitter Pilsner.

I asked for a beer,
not a list of your sexual deviances.

We'll have the house beer.
Half pints... Two.

Right, two house beers.
Oh, my!

Whose name for the tab? Please?

Esposito, Laure,
Priestess, Guardian of the Truth,

Just put Laure for short, and...

And?

What is your name?
"Chosen" doesn't cut it.

Dunno, never had one.

- Are you kidding?
- Nope.

I never needed one.

In jail, I was either "b*stard"
or "Oh no, not him!"

Wait, you can't not have a name!

OK if you insist. Hey, peasants!

Yeah?

What names are cool right now?

Er... Guy?

I said names. That's a syllable.

- Matteo!
- Is this a Matteo face, you prick?

No, just a flame face.

- Hey, that's it!
- What?

Flame Face works!

Fantastic!
Nice suggestion,

Miss One-Handed Priestess
with a halfway decent bod.

Freeze, Little d*ck!

Laure Esposito, Little d*ck,

I'm taking you in. Order of the King!

What's this bullshit?

Don't move, Little d*ck!

Freeze, Little d*ck!

I'll bash your brains in!

We don't 'bash' peasants.
We 'save' peasants!

I said: Freeze, Little d*ck!

Stop saying "little d*ck".

Now you calm down.
It's just words. Chill!

Get Little d*ck!

Thunder.
Better bring the herd in.

Yep.

I guess we're nowhere near
having a guide who will lead people

to the light.

Who put up those clearly untrue
and defamatory posters?

- Actually...
- Who's your supplier? Talk!

- I was about to...
- I want names, you turd!

Stop battering him!
He can't talk with no teeth!

Yes, thank you very much.

So, the posters were printed locally...

And the print shop is up
on that super spooky cliff.

That seems too easy. Far too easy.
I don't like this.

It's clearly a trap, don't you think?

Peddling fake news and untruths?

What the hell are you doing!

Hey, you shitbags!

Stop the press!

Our king knew this would work!

- Indexa!
- Middelus!

- Ringalus!
- Pinkyus!

Thumbo!

We're the Knights of the Royal Hand!
You've fallen in our trap!

- Ah, crap.
- I warned you!

Stop waving that thing in my face!
Wait!

Oh, no!

No!

Watch out!
She's infected by the Malaise.

No way! The prophecy!

Maybe we could saw off
a bit more arm.

What did you expect?
The poor girl is doomed.

OK, OK. No biggie.

Yes, it is actually, because...

No, it's not, because...

while you are a stupid,
incompetent egotist,

I know you'll save the world one day.

You're the Chosen One.

I have faith in you.

I can't decide
whether I feel insulted or flattered.

Look out, Flame Face!

Gotcha!
Resistance is futile.

Sorry to disappoint you, dickwad…

but I'm immortal,
or didn't you get the memo?

Of course, I know that.

Don't you recall? This is a trap!

No! What did you do to him?

Granted, we can't k*ll an immortal,

but we can lock him
in an alchemical shell.

The king will be pleased.

Look out!

Oh crap, that wasn't in the plan!
What will we tell the king?

Tell him...

the infected, one-handed, she-peasant
grabbed a rock and took a flying leap

into a raging river.

Thus, mission accomplished!