Chad Daniels: Empty Nester (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Chad Daniels!

Well, hello!

This is crazy.

Hi. Thank you.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, that's very nice.

You keep clapping,

I'm gonna bust through my nipple tape.

That was wild.

This is f*cking crazy, man.

I've lived in Minnesota my whole life

and now we're at the capital,

and I'm filming this goldarn thing.

So it's a pretty good deal.

I've lived here my whole life

and I've noticed

that Minnesota and New York

are the only two places

where you can tell someone

you're from there,

and someone will say your accent

back to you right away.

You go, "Hi, I'm from Minnesota."

"Oh! Minnesota!"

"Brr, brr."

Or "I'm from New York."

"Hey, New York!

I'm walking here!"

You don't get that other places.

Like, "Hi, I'm from Cleveland."

"Oh, I'm from Cleveland.

I see my kids every other weekend."

Nobody's like, "I'm from Kentucky."

"Y'all, I'm from Kentucky."

"I only quote the Bible

when it fits what I'm talking about."

I was in New York one time

and I was trying to cross a crosswalk

and I couldn't

'cause there were people in front of me

and puddles on both sides of me.

I go to one of the guys and I go,

"Can we cross the street?"

He goes, "Can't. There's an orange hand

that says we can't cross."

I said, "That's a suggestion.

We're adults. So let's figure it out."

- And then from behind me, a woman goes...

- "f*cking go."

Like that.

I thought Batman was behind me.

That's no kidding.

So without even looking, I go,

"You're the captain of our team."

I go, "You gotta come up here."

I heard shuffling,

so I turned around and I looked,

and she was on crutches.

Yeah. But she wasn't on underarm crutches.

She was on, like, the grippies

with the Wonder Woman bracelets.

She was on those. Like, forever crutches.

You know? She didn't sprain an ankle,

her mom drank when she was pregnant.

Okay. I've got some shaking heads

and some shaking shoulders.

Whatever, I don't care.

I'll take either one.

We finally get to the front,

it's her and I.

I go, "What do you think, Captain?"

She goes, "Assess the situation."

All right. So we got

a one-way street going this way.

There's a car coming

but it's three blocks away that way.

She goes, "Do you think we can make it?"

And I said, "I think

you and I have different answers."

Then she smiled at me, turned sideways,

and took off like a hermit crab

across the street.

It is the fastest I've ever seen

a human being move in my life.

Like MC Hammer times 10,000.

Just dig-a-dig-a-dig-a

all the way across the thing.

The only way it could've been better

is if she had ducked into a hole

at the end of it.

"God damn, crab lady."

"You just made somebody's Wednesday."

I don't know if I necessarily want

to talk about this next thing,

but I feel like I need to.

I saw a grown man

kiss his own sister on the lips.

It's true. At a restaurant.

It was with my children.

By the way, I've never kissed them

on the lips, I don't think.

Maybe when they were babies.

It wasn't to kiss them,

it was more to steal their essence.

You ever feel old around a kid

and you're like, "f*cking breathe on me!"?

So we're eating, and a man walks in,

and he goes, "Sister!"

And then from across the restaurant,

a woman stands up and goes, "Brother!"

Then they started

walking towards each other,

with what now I can confirm was passion.

Then they kissed on the lips.

And my kids and I pushed our meals

to the middle of the table.

Because they were raised correctly

and we don't eat till we figure sh*t out.

There is a mystery in this restaurant,

and we must solve it.

I said to my kids,

"What do you think is going on?"

My son goes, "I don't know what's going on

but I do know you don't start

kissing your sister when you're an adult."

I'm like, "All right. We got some traction

to solve this thing. Let's go."

I asked my daughter, "What would you do

if your brother kissed you?"

She said, "I'd k*ll him."

Son said, "Wouldn't have to. k*ll myself."

I wanna be clear

that I know suicide is not funny

but I was beaming with pride as a father.

And a little confused

that there's Japanese blood

in my family lineage.

That's an honorable people.

If Japanese people mess up, they fix it.

It's true. You ever see a Japanese guy

kiss his own sister on the lips,

next move

is walking right into that forest.

May I ask you a question? Yeah.

- Do you have a brother?

- No.

- You don't. Do you?

- Yeah.

What would you do

if he kissed you on the lips?

That's way too long. That's way too long.

Oh, my God.

What are you thinking about?

You're like, "I guess I don't know."

I'm teasing.

What do you think you'd do though?

I don't know.

You wouldn't do anything?

You'd let him kiss you?

The answer you're looking for,

the word, is m*rder.

I just tried to help you

with my daughter's answer.

Wouldn't do anything.

- You have a brother?

- I do.

What would you do

if he kissed you on the lips?

We have different moms, so...

You have different moms, so...?

If you didn't hear, she said,

"We have different moms, so..."

And I'd like to guess the next word.

Is it "f*ck"?

See? That could have been you.

Got to come to these things ready.

Well, it's just so strange to me,

'cause I have a sister,

and she's one of my favorite people

on Earth,

and I've never even kissed her

on the cheek.

And I love her to death.

I should have, probably.

She's been through some tough sh*t.

My sister was hooked on meth for 10 years,

and not one day did I think,

"Maybe a kiss on the cheek

from her brother will help."

She'd come home

and be like, "I'm freaking out."

And I'd be like, hand on shoulder,

full extension, elbow lock,

a*s out,

and then be like, "Don't do meth."

And then I just back away full extension.

Never did she come home shaking

and her jaw moving all over,

and I was like,

"Come here. This will help."

That's insane.

Everyone can relax. That ends

the question portion for the front row.

I want to be clear. I don't want

you guys like, "What's next?"

I was on an escalator one time

and I was going down the escalator,

there was an up escalator next to it.

So those people were coming towards me.

I saw a dad and this little kid

on the escalator.

Little boy was about five years old.

And I heard him go, "Daddy,

how do they make escalators?"

And the dad said,

"At a factory."

And that was it.

When they got next to me,

I looked at the dad,

and go, "Thank you, professor."

What a lazy-a*s answer that is.

Your son asked you for information

and you gave him zero.

That's like one step away from

not really understanding science,

so you just always go, "God made it."

That's a lazy-a*s answer.

"Why is the sky blue?"

"It's the Lord's favorite color."

"Think about it, the sky is blue.

Water is blue."

"White people when they freeze are blue."

"Mama, what's lightning?"

"Well, that's the paparazzi

trying to take a picture of Jesus."

They're never gonna get...

"Do you hear the thunder? He's bowling

with them angels right now."

Those are lazy answers.

And you're not helping anyone.

Your kids are gonna go to school,

full Waterboy.

"Well, my mama said..."

That's crazy.

No, I don't have the right to tell you

not to use God in your answers.

Of course, I don't know

what's going on either.

I would say, if you do it,

just do it correctly.

That's all anyone's asking. Right?

"Why is the sky blue?"

"Because God said, 'Let there be light.'

And there was."

"And then that light finally

reached the Earth's atmosphere,

it started bouncing off

gases and particles."

"And the light scattered."

"And the blue waves were the smallest,

so they went the furthest and the fastest

and they covered everything."

"And that's why the sky is blue."

"And maybe it's the Lord's favorite color,

but for sure that first part."

It just... It seems so easy really,

when you think about it.

I am not religious.

I think that kinda bums my mom out

because she is.

She says, "How come you're not religious?"

I go, "I think

it's 'cause of religion, probably."

I don't know

if you've heard about it.

Please don't judge me for that.

I don't judge you for anything

you believe or don't believe.

I just can't... I don't have it in me.

I don't have that thing that you have.

And if you're a believer, I'm...

I'm jealous.

I wish I had that

because if you're wrong,

you're never gonna know.

Going to heaven

Going to heaven

Going to heaven

Going to heaven

Dark.

That's a pretty good exit strategy, man.

'Cause if I'm wrong, from what I've read...

...it's gonna be hot.

Gonna want to do some crunches,

'cause I'm headed to

forever bikini season.

I'm not going to, of course,

make fun of all religions here tonight,

but I would like to quickly, if I could,

talk to you about Catholicism

for about 35 minutes.

You can see some people go,

"Ha-ha... Argh!"

That's okay. I understand it.

First of all, let me start by saying,

when I was younger,

I thought the biggest group of people

on Earth were Asians.

That's what I thought.

'Cause in sixth grade,

we had to fill out this map, right?

And we had to fill in the populations

of all the countries.

Then you add up all the populations

for all the Asian countries,

you're like,

"Holy sh*t, that's a lot of people."

And your teacher would go,

"Don't forget India."

And you're like, "What the f*ck?"

"India's in Asia? Shut up!"

So you add that and you're like,

"That's a big group of people."

Now that I'm an adult,

I know that Asians are not

the biggest group of people on Earth.

I know the biggest group

of people on Earth are people that go,

"Well, I grew up Catholic

but I'm not anymore."

Those people are everywhere.

If you meet one, there's two behind him

and there's four behind them.

It's like the A*DS chart

from health class.

It just keeps going.

Let me say that I know

there are good Catholic people.

One of my best friends is Catholic,

so I talk to him sometimes.

I go, "Whey do you cheer

for such a dumb team?"

And he doesn't have an answer and so...

If you meet someone that says,

"I grew up Catholic. I'm not anymore."

You go, "How come?" They go...

Right? Not even words.

It's just guttural responses.

That kind of sh*t.

But I asked my buddy,

"Maybe we should write some letters."

He goes, "I'm not gonna write

to the Church and put my name on it."

I'm like, "I'm not asking you to."

"I'm saying let me write a letter

and put your name on it."

Doesn't have to be anything fancy.

Just let me start it off...

Something like, uh...

"We're sick of coming to this church,

because the leaders of it

are coming at this church."

What's the argument from Catholic people?

They go, "You know the Catholic Church

does good things too, right?"

"I understand that,

but none of them outweigh kid-touching,

so, next."

That is a silly argument.

"You know, Ethel made $240

at the bake sale."

"I understand that, but Justin can't sleep

without the lights on."

"So... what do we do?"

"The suggestion box isn't working."

"I'm assuming the children have tried,

'Please stop it. I don't like this.'"

"And we can't burn the churches down

because they made them

with big rocks and brick."

I mean, they third-little-pig'd

the sh*t out of us over there.

I went to a Catholic church

because I wanted to check it out.

I don't like making fun of stuff

unless I know what's going on.

So I went to a Catholic church

and there's old men everywhere.

Very old. The oldest of men.

Where you go, "Did you know Jesus?

'Cause you're old."

And they have Ichabod Crane bodies

and one-piece Charles Dickens' pajamas.

And they have KKK hats

that don't go all the way down.

They sit right on top.

And there's a baby rattle

that appears to be on fire

and they're swinging that around

and shaking it.

If you were on mushrooms,

you'd be like, "Okay. All right."

But you're not on mushrooms.

You're at church.

So you start freaking out a little.

And that's when the music starts.

And that's when I go full panic.

Because, to me,

Catholic music sounds like it was written

with nutsacks in mouths.

Why did my lips not touch?

There were supposed to be lyrics,

but you can't talk around a ballbag.

That's Gregorian gargling.

What is happening at the church?

Get out of the bubble mobile

and help us, Pope!

I'm glad most of you are having fun.

I'm getting some looks of concern

for my soul.

I do understand that

and I appreciate it, actually.

But I've been making fun

of the Catholic Church on stage

for 22 years and look...

I'm fine.

Sometimes I golf in the rain

and I'll hold up a club and be like,

"Hit me, b*tch!"

Mostly 'cause I'm not good at golf,

but you get it.

I think here's what bothers me the most

about the Church,

is that it's leaking into

other parts of our lives.

I was at the airport one time

and I went to a Su...

I went to a Starbucks to get some coffee.

Let me try that again.

Jesus. Right?

I almost said Subway.

I'm like, "God, I must be hungry."

Go to a Subway at an airport,

f*cking best of luck with your as*h*le.

Right? I mean...

"I was at the airport

and I went to a Subway

and then I cancelled

all my f*cking travel plans."

"Because I will not sh*t

above 10,000 feet."

Well, sh*t, maybe that should be the joke.

I don't know.

"How was the show?"

"He looked confused but funny."

"It was weird."

The thing that bugs me is the Church

is moving into other parts of our lives.

I was at an airport one time

and I went to a Starbucks to get a coffee.

When I ordered the coffee,

the guy grabbed the cup off the stack,

and he was writing my name on the cup

but he was holding my cup

with his finger inside my cup.

Thank you.

And I said, "Yo, man,

can you get your finger out of my cup?"

He took it out

and goes, "Wasn't in there."

I go, "Yeah, it was and that's okay,

I just want a new cup."

He goes, "No, it wasn't!"

And the lady behind me goes,

"I also saw it."

And I said, "Uh-oh."

Then he swore at both of us

and he got fired on the spot

and physically removed

from behind the counter

by the manager of Starbucks.

And I was just standing there like this,

"Ah, I don't know what's going on."

The manager came back and goes,

"Still want your coffee?"

I go, "Oh, I'm wide awake."

"I don't need any caffeine.

I'm vibrating on the inside right now."

I go back to that Starbucks

every time I can

because I like

how the manager handled this business.

I've gone back several times,

and that guy's never been working there.

Then one time, I had a flight

on the other side of the airport,

so I went to that Starbucks,

and the guy was working there.

Just like the Catholic Church.

I think I'm a good dad.

I do not think I'm great

at comedy transitions.

But I do, I think I'm a good dad.

I think you only have to be better

than your dad, to be a good dad.

And that is a rule I made up

to make myself feel better.

Do any men in here

have a bad dad growing up?

Okay.

Twins cap, how come your dad was bad?

Had nothing to do with you?

- You have kids?

- Yeah.

- Do you have anything to do with them?

- Yes.

You're a f*cking better dad, easy.

Good for you. Good dad alert.

Good dad alert.

My dad stole my identity

and ruined my credit

before I was out of high school.

That's what mine did.

All I had to do to be better than him

was not learn

my son's social security number.

And hate to brag, but I did it.

Took some sh*t.

I brought him to camp once

and this woman was like, "You don't know

your son's social security number?"

And I was like, "I'm a great father."

I didn't know he'd stolen my identity

and ruined my credit until...

I went to get my first car loan

and the man just laughed in my face.

And he goes, "I can't give you money."

"You owe a woman named Karen Ward

$15,000 in child support."

And I was like, "Well, that's crazy

'cause that's my mom."

I mean, I know she said we had

to start helping out around the house

but $15,000?

I also never hit my kids

when they were little.

I don't judge you if you do, by the way.

Matter of fact,

if we're out in a restaurant, eating,

and I'm at a table by myself,

and you're here with your kids,

they're crying,

I will encourage you to hit them.

I might even suggest balling up your fist,

so you only have to do it that one time.

Everybody knows you wake up

with a better attitude after a nap.

Oh, man,

some resistance in here.

Listen. Am I gonna hit a kid? No.

Am I gonna think about it?

Every single day, yes.

That's how you don't do stuff.

You think about it up here.

You go, "Oh, I would throttle that kid

in the f*cking nose."

And then you go, "Shake if off, dude.

Don't do it. All right. Here we go."

That's how your day gets better.

My kids are 24 and 20,

and I know how I would m*rder them.

That's how far it has escalated

in my family.

It involves an ice house and an auger

and chains so the bodies sink.

When they're being assholes,

I'll just look at them

with a weird look on my face.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I don't know. This motion."

"Pretty sure you stop that with chains."

My parents tossed us around a little.

Nothing therapy-worthy.

We had a weird disciplinary dichotomy

in my home.

It's like the roles were reversed

for my parents in the discipline.

When my sister and I were acting up,

my dad would come in

with a wooden spoon and he'd shake it.

Like he was going to spank us with it.

And my sister and I'd be like,

"Nice try, nerd," and keep going.

But then my mom would hear us

disrespecting our dad

and she'd come in, loosening her belt,

and we would freeze immediately.

Right? 'Cause getting hit

with a wooden spoon does not hurt.

But getting f*cked by your mom?

Guys...

We had no way of knowing

if that's where it was headed,

but we did not want to find out.

Spanking or r*pe, no, thank you.

I feel like this is a perfect opportunity

to tell you

my mom never had sex with me.

I had horrible credit.

I told you, I have two kids. 24 and 20.

And my 20-year-old

is at college right now.

She is a sophomore in Southern California.

Sure, sure.

I dropped her off her sophomore year

and freshman year,

and it was a lot easier

her sophomore year,

because she was a pretty big b*tch to me

last summer.

I almost didn't stop the car this year.

I was just like, "Get out,"

through a crosswalk.

But freshman year, guys,

that was rough on me.

If you have young children,

stop loving them now.

It will be a lot easier on you

when they abandon you for "their life"

or whatever selfish bullshit

they're gonna tell you.

When I dropped her off...

She's my youngest.

So I had trouble dropping my son off.

I was a little choked up with him.

And then my daughter, she's the youngest,

and so, I had tears

the whole week I was at this thing.

And it was like,

I didn't want to cry because I'm the dad.

I didn't want to embarrass her,

so I did what all good American dads do

with sadness.

I turned it into rage.

That's what we do

'cause that's how we're raised.

When you're young,

you can't be embarrassed or sad.

You get called a p*ssy.

But you punch a wall and everyone's like,

"There he is."

"There's the boy."

I was crying in my room when I was younger

and my dad came in and he said,

"I will give you something to cry about."

And I was like, "Hey, man, clearly

I already have something to cry about."

"I'm actively crying right now."

"I don't want yours. I have one."

"That would give me two and give you zero.

That's not fair."

"Plus, my name

is probably already on yours

because you stole my identity,

you son of a b*tch."

Isn't it wild

we don't have a class in high school

to teach kids

how to deal with their emotions?

Or credit cards.

I mean, why don't we have those?

It's pretty amazing.

Instead, we send them into calculus.

When's the last time you used calculus?

I'm gonna say, for me, never.

When's the last time

you had to deal with emotions?

A lot of you

during that Catholic bit, I know.

I saw that.

I saw that on your faces, for sure.

But they don't have a class for it.

They send us to Home Ec

to make a pillow so we have something

to scream into at night.

It's crazy.

And what's wild is

we had the perfect vehicle to teach kids

how to deal with emotions

with story problems in Math.

But that's not what we used them for.

What did we use them for? European travel?

"If a train is leaving Paris, France,

at midnight, going 185km/hr,

when is it going to get to London?"

"Hey, man,

there is a schedule on the wall."

"We don't have to do this math.

That's included in the ticket price."

What we should have been

using story problems for is this.

"Matt has five apples."

"Matt gave Julie four of his apples."

"And then Julie turned and gave Ben

all four of those apples

and kissed Ben right on the mouth."

"Then she turned back, looked at Matt

and laughed in his face."

"How many therapy sessions..."

"...is it going to take for Matt to realize

that Julie's actions

are not a reflection of his character,

but of hers?"

"So he doesn't sh**t up a school

or call her a wh*re."

Now there's a lot going on in that one,

so you have to check the back of the book

for the answer.

And it just says, "Well into his forties."

Oh, my God. Am I Matt?

I don't know. Maybe.

Maybe I wrote a joke about myself

and changed the names.

It doesn't matter.

They don't teach us

how to deal with emotions in school.

There I am. I've dropped my daughter off.

I'm in the rental car.

I'm going back to the airport.

I'm at a red light

and there's one car in front of me.

I can feel the tears come again

and I go, "You can't cry now.

You've gotta drop this g*dd*mn car off."

So I turn it into rage

and I try to punch

the horn of the rental car

through the steering column.

I hit it

with every single thing I had in my body

and it went, "Meep."

Dude, I went through the roof.

I was like, "Meep, meep, meep, meep."

Thinking if I hit it correctly once,

it would go...

No. Meep, meep, meep, meep.

Finally, the guy in front of me

rolls his window down, is like,

"Did I do something?!"

And I was like,

"I'm going home to an empty house!"

Then I saw him look both ways,

and run a red light.

Which is absolutely what you need to do

when there is a psychopath behind you.

You don't ask another question.

You get somewhere safe.

I'll tell you that I did have some fun

when I was dropping my daughter off.

She was on a tour with other students.

I went to the registration table and said,

"I gotta get my daughter signed up."

They go, "What's her name?"

I said, "Olivia."

"What's her major?" "She's undecided."

And the woman said... "No!"

"No. No. No."

"She's an exploratory major."

"We don't say 'undecided' here."

"Ex-plo-ra-to-ry."

That's what she did.

And then she said some other stuff

for five minutes

and I didn't hear any of that.

Because I was in the middle

of a frustration blackout.

Then she said,

"Thank you for coming to orientation."

And I said... "No! No, no, no."

"Asia-tation."

"We do not say 'Orient' here."

"As-ia-ta-tion."

That is the last time I moonwalked away

from another human being.

- I did. I did it all.

- Eh-he! All of it.

My favorite part of dropping her off

is when she met her roommates.

They're from Southern California.

She grew up in Northern Minnesota

and still has her accent.

So it was like two different languages.

She was like,

"Can you guys grab me my bayg?"

"My bayg has my clothes.

It's by your feet. Just grab my bayg."

And her roommates are like,

"Grab your whaaaat?

It was like a confused teapot.

And my daughter was like,

"Just grab my bayg."

One of her roommates goes,

"I think you mean bahg."

And I was like,

"I don't think that's right either."

No one's ever got into trouble

for calling a guy a "fog."

Huh?

I mean, that's just condensation.

That doesn't even make sense.

"Mama, what's condensation?"

"Well, that's the Lord's breath

on a window."

I visited my daughter

five times last year, and the fifth time...

So she has a roommate, and her mom

was there every time I got there. Right?

So the fifth time I went, the mom goes,

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

I'm like, "Yeah. What's up?"

She goes, "Do you think

you're here too much?"

And I said, "I think you're here

every single time I'm here."

"Are we here too much, do you think?"

And she goes, "Well, I'm a mom."

Yeah. And I was like,

"I don't think you can say that."

You can't dad-shame me.

I will cancel you, b*tch.

She goes, "I'm just worried

you're smothering your daughter."

I said, "Well, if I'm smothering her

from visiting her at college,

she's in big trouble when I die."

"Because in my will it says

I'm to be cremated,

and my ashes are to be dyed pink and blue

so they can be used

at my grandchildren's gender reveal."

That's actually in my will.

I love a good party

and I don't want to miss it.

"What's it gonna be?

What's it gonna be?"

"Grandpa!"

Ah, yes, but then it was time to go home.

So I did.

And I didn't know exactly how sad I was

until I got all the way back here

to Minnesota

and I went to my home to no one

and I ate a pizza without cutting it.

I mean, think about how pathetic that is.

By the way,

I had a pizza cutter in my hand.

And I yelled to an empty house,

"Well, no one else is here

to have a piece."

Then I folded the pizza

and I grabbed it from the top

and I ate it from the bottom...

...like a parasite

on the belly of a wild animal.

I will tell you when you fold a pizza,

grease will pour out one side

and it will stain your pants.

I'm also gonna let you know

I wasn't wearing pants.

I told you, I was sad.

So there I was in my kitchen,

in my panties...

eating an Italian taco...

with a grease burn on my inner thigh

that I now tell people is a birthmark

because that's kind of

an embarrassing story.

It was in that moment I had the thought

I'm gonna hate being an empty nester

more than anything I've ever done

in my entire life.

And then a week later,

for the first time in 23 years,

23 years,

I got a blowjob in my own house.

And I thought, "You know what?"

"We're gonna figure this out."

My daughter Facetimed me,

"I'm coming home for Thanksgiving."

I was like, "I don't know."

"Why don't you stay there?

Get to know your roommates."

"Really enjoy the college exp... Oh!"

Oh!

She was like, "What's wrong?"

Didn't have the heart to tell her...

"Not all your friends went to college."

Some of those boys didn't have the grades.

This reaction is incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

You're like, "Oh, it's a girl. k*ll him."

"It's fine. It's a boy."

What a weird reaction.

First of all,

it's neither of those groups.

It's a fully-cooked adult woman.

So everyone calm down.

Here's what happened. Well, not...

Never mind. Not that.

You guys are like,

"All right. I'm listening."

Not that part. Let me start over here.

I didn't date in my daughter's

senior year of high school.

I didn't wanna choose between

her last events

and then getting to know someone.

I didn't think

anyone would get my full attention.

I didn't think that was fair.

So I took a year off of dating

and I learned something very important

about myself.

I learned that I could die alone

and be okay with that.

That is very good information

to have about yourself.

It is a horrible attitude to have

in a new relationship.

There was a woman in my house once

after this.

She's like, "I don't like this movie."

I go, "I could die alone and go home."

You got to figure out

how to turn that sh*t down a bit.

Then I went on my first date

with my current girlfriend, Kelsey.

Here's what happened. She's allergic

to everything and that sucks.

I mean everything.

Like, "Does your water have hydrogen?

It has two? I can't have that."

It was like that kind of stuff.

So I'm like, "I'm not gonna

be able to do this. For sure."

At the end of dinner,

she said something really compelling.

She said, "Peanuts can k*ll me."

"Dairy makes me sh*t my pants."

And I thought, "Oh, my God.

Am I falling in love right now?"

Turns out I was. Because I think

that's a very funny thing to say.

It's also great information to have

at the beginning of a relationship.

Because now I know

if she accidentally has dairy,

I can just give her a peanut

to stop the madness.

Yeah, you're damn right.

I told you I can die alone. I said that.

I never said I could sit next to somebody

while they sh*t their pants in public.

Here's the thing. Peanut butter has been

my favorite food since I was a little boy.

Now I can't have it

'cause I'm in this relationship,

and Kelsey goes,

"Well, why don't you try almond butter?"

I was like, "I don't know.

Why don't you f*ck you?"

Have you ever had almond butter?

It sucks so hard!

It's like Christmas

with just church and no presents.

Imagine that.

How do they make almond butter?

They have little kids chew up almonds

and spit them into a jar.

It's... There's... It's so gross!

So I finally broke.

We moved in together.

I brought a jar of peanut butter with me.

She said, "What's that?"

I said, "You know what that is."

She said, "What are you gonna do with it?"

I said, "I'm gonna eat this

when you're not here."

She said, "What if I eat it?"

"Don't."

I dunno what to say.

"I'm gonna put this in this cupboard."

"Don't open this cupboard.

This is the cupboard of death."

"This is where I'm gonna put

the peanut butter and my throwing stars."

"Don't open this. You could get hurt."

She said, "I cannot believe

you brought something in this house

that I am allergic to."

I go, "How are your two cats doing

that k*ll me slowly every day?"

"What's going on with them?"

"Been fed yet and barfed it up

somewhere on the carpet?"

I said, "About this peanut butter,

you're never gonna wake up

with it on your head."

Have you ever met a cat?

They're autistic.

They're full spectrum.

They go, "He's allergic to me?

Well, I'm gonna love him the most."

It's insane.

They sleep on my head

and then I snore because of it

and then Kelsey's like, "Hey."

"You're mouth-breathing."

"Can you wake up? Honey?"

"You're mouth-breathing.

It's bothering me."

"Can you wake up?"

I'm like, "Huh? What?

Who's mouth-breathing?"

"I'm mouth-breathing?"

"The one with the Davy Crockett cat hat

on my head..."

"...whose dander is cascading down

into my breathing holes?"

"So even though I'm in a dream,

I'm physically in fight or flight,

and my face has to open

the biggest hole on it

to let the most amount of oxygen in

so I can remain

a card-carrying member of the alive?"

"I'm mouth-breathing? No sh*t, honey!"

"Tell me more."

I said she'd never end up with peanut

butter in her hair when she's sleeping

but I'm gonna get drunk and do it.

I know it.

I know I am. I'm gonna slather it

in her hair and just be like,

"You're mouth-breathing. Ha ha ha!"

"Wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

"You're bugging me or whatever you said

because we're equals!"

"Wake up!"

"Wake up."

"Oh, f*ck! Wake up!"

I'm pretty sure

peanuts are different than cats.

So I'm gonna want to be careful

about that one.

We did move in together pretty quickly.

Because of that, people are like,

"You gonna have kids?"

I will tell every single person

that I have a vasectomy

and there's always

one person in the group that goes,

"You know

you can reverse a vasectomy, right?"

I'm like, "Yeah. You know you can walk

from Alaska to Argentina, right?"

"But that's hard and you won't do it,

so why don't you shut your mouth?"

This is a vasectomy.

I had a surgery for this.

I went in on purpose.

This is not a Tasmanian devil tattoo

that I got on my senior trip in Mexico,

that I'm later going to regret

in my late thirties,

and cover it up with flowers

when my grandma dies.

This is a vasectomy.

I didn't drive into the wrong driveway,

and now need to back out.

I went into a cold operating room

with a bare nutsack,

per their request,

and they sliced it open,

and they pulled a tube out

and they snipped it,

and they burned both sides of the tube,

so now my sperm runs into that

and they die right there.

And then they're absorbed

back into my body.

And I don't know what that means.

They told me that

and then had me leave the hospital.

I have no idea what that means.

Sometimes I will not have eaten

for a couple of hours and I'll burp

and I'll be like, "Was that it?"

I don't know.

I don't know where they are.

I'm like a haunted house.

Just sperm ghosts everywhere in here.

I have ringing in my ears

and I'm pretty sure it's just the crickets

in the sperm graveyard.

I'm not gonna reverse a vasectomy

'cause I don't know what'd happen.

I don't know how that works.

I've only reversed one thing in my life

and it was electricity.

In college, we got our lights shut off

'cause we didn't pay the bill.

We paid the bill,

they turned our lights back on,

but then our lights flickered

for three days.

I don't want a flickery sperm-sh**ter.

I don't need my sperm coming out sideways

and just denting the egg.

Then one finally gets in,

I have a kid come out like...

Everybody's like, "You have ADHD?"

"No, my dad Humpty-Dumpty'd

his ballbag back together."

"Now we can't go to restaurants

because I f*ck up meals."

I'm not doing that.

I have a vasectomy, she has an IUD,

and one day she goes, "Ah, I'm late."

"My period hasn't been...

I'm two weeks late."

"I feel like my breasts are tender

and I feel a little chubbier than normal."

"Do you think I'm pregnant?"

And I was like, "I don't."

"I have a vasectomy and you have an IUD."

"If you're pregnant,

we're about to have the creepiest kid..."

"...of all time,

if he made it through that."

He's gonna be able to

walk through his crib like, "Hello."

"Mother, Father."

We won't be able to get a babysitter

to come back more than one time.

She goes, "Maybe I should go to Walgreens

and get a pregnancy test."

I was like, "Sure. You should also

get a paternity test when you're there."

That's not my kid.

Pregnancy tests and paternity tests

should come in a two-pack

like DayQuil and NyQuil.

Just shrink-wrapped together.

Kelsey asked me when we started dating,

"Do you want kids?"

I said, "I have kids."

She said, "What if I want kids?"

I said, "Then you should have

brought some kids."

I can't have a baby now!

I told you my youngest is 20 years old.

If I had a baby right now,

that would be like my last day of prison,

going into the yard and stabbing somebody.

Just be like, "Well, here we go again."

"One more life sentence."

"I guess I'll get one more degree

I'll never be able to use."

I can't have a kid right now.

My son is getting married in 12 days.

He's 24.

Yeah, sure. Yes.

If you guys wanna waste your energy

clapping at mistakes, be my guest.

No, I love his wife-to-be very much.

I think it's funny 'cause when he was 23,

he got engaged and I go,

"Think you're too young to get engaged?"

He goes, "You think

you're a little old to be a boyfriend?"

I'm like, "We will see you

at the wedding, my man."

He's getting married in 12 days.

I dunno when they're gonna have a baby.

I'm certainly not gonna be

one of those creepy families

where the parents have a kid

as old as the oldest kid's kid.

You ever seen them walking around?

Like, "Who's your buddy?"

"This is my uncle."

"Why don't you go back into the corn?

You're freaking everybody out."

Plus, it wouldn't be fair if I had

a son and grandson the same age.

Because I'm always gonna be a strict dad

but I'm gonna

spoil the hell out of my grandkids.

If they're the same age,

it doesn't make sense.

"Son, go rake the lawn.

Grandson, go jump in the leaves."

"You get in there. Now kick 'em around.

It doesn't matter. He'll do it again."

"Yes, you will."

"I have your phone for a month already.

Want to make it two? Rake up the leaves."

When Kelsey and I started dating,

she put glasses on.

She goes, "Are you surprised

I have glasses?" I said, "No."

"With your weak-a*s genetics?"

"A nut can k*ll you.

You thought I thought you could see far?"

"No!"

And that's also why

I'm not gonna put a baby into her.

That's not fair.

Sorry, but the kids I have now are great.

All their parts work,

their genetics are spot-on.

And I know it sounds like

I'm giving a speech in Germany right now.

Right?

My children

will never be beaten.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm just saying they're good.

I got good ones.

So I don't think it's fair for me

to put perfect vision

and straight teeth without braces

into a bowl with "can't have a tomato."

Plus, you know I'm the one that's

gonna have to take care of that kid.

I'll have to bring him trick-or-treating

with a purple pumpkin

because he can't have peanuts.

She can't bring him out

when there's pollen in the air,

it will k*ll her.

People are like, "Why does

your son have a purple pumpkin?"

"I don't know. He's broken. I'm not sure."

"Never had to deal with this before."

"I just know his mom's family tree

is a weeping willow."

"I was sent along with him

to let you know you can only give him

licorice or he will die."

"Who's his little buddy?" "That's his

nephew and I don't want to talk about it."

You know what's awesome

about this night to me?

Is that, I bet you, there are people here

on the left of the political spectrum

and, I bet you,

there are people on the right

and no one's fist-fighting

and we're all laughing

at the same stupid story.

I think that's great.

Selfishly, I am very happy about that

'cause five years ago I thought

I was going to have to write

different acts for two different groups.

I thought I was gonna have to go

to Planned Parenthood,

and tell some jokes for the Dems,

and then run across town to the VFW,

and do some jokes for the Repubs.

I mean, I did.

But here we are.

This is a lot better for me.

There's still some buttfuckery

on the edges.

I think there always will be.

That's how it works, right?

Here's what I've said

since the beginning of my career,

I'm on the left,

the line's right by my foot.

That's where I stand.

It seems like I'm going this way

because they're going that way.

But I'm just standing here.

And so sometimes I get yelled at

from my own team.

One time I was like,

"Oh, that homeless guy."

And somebody goes, "It's 'unhoused.'"

I was like, "I don't think that's right."

"Unhoused"? That sounds

like a word you'd make up

because you can't

get something to rhyme in a poem.

She goes,

"Wanna know why it's 'unhoused'?"

I said, "I don't."

Because it's gonna be

something else next week.

The far left

update more than Apple products.

Problem with the far right,

they haven't updated one time ever.

That's why there's such a disconnect

on the two sides.

I got people saying "unhoused" over here,

and I have people over here going,

"I can't call that person a boy

because it says they're a girl

on their birth certificate,

and I always go by the birth certificate.

If it says girl on your birth certificate,

that's what I'm gonna call you."

Like, "Whatever, Robert."

"Call me Bob."

"Sorry, Robert, your rules."

Sometimes they're like,

"What do you think

about g*y couples having kids?"

"I don't."

I'm not a g*y couple or a kid.

And no one has asked me to help.

I only help when I'm asked.

Did you hear that, white ladies?

Say it with me.

Say it...

I only help when I am asked.

Sometimes people wanna know

about g*y couples raising kids.

They go, "What would happen

if two women raised a boy?"

"What would that boy end up like?"

"I don't know. He'd probably be

great at planning surprise parties

and ruining them."

"Just a little something

from each parent."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"What do you think about that guy

that became a girl

to win those college swimming events?"

"I will tell you what I think about that."

"I didn't know

there was college swimming."

I didn't.

I thought you went from the YMCA

to the Olympics. That was it.

So that person has done more for me

and my knowledge of college swimming

than anyone.

I hope they got that laugh.

That sounds like

a g*dd*mn boomerang coming around.

I love it.

I'm not making fun of it. I love it.

Now I'm gonna say something that

could get me kicked out of the country.

I would like you to bear with me.

Both sides, hear me out.

What if...

What if...

we all minded our own business?

I know it seems simple

but it seems like we can't do it, right?

I told you I'm on the left,

the line is right by my foot.

I shot a g*n two months ago

and I want to do it every single day now.

I bet every single person in here

is against g*n violence, of course.

I don't need a g*n that goes...

Not that many. I don't need that.

I want one that goes, "Bang!"

Then you have to hurry

and f*cking reload or you get shot.

That's what I want.

I want to get good at sh**ting

the one person I want to sh**t.

That doesn't seem that hard.

I think if you want a g*n, you should

be able to have one of those bang g*ns.

I think you should have to follow

a couple of rules,

but once you do,

everybody has to leave you alone.

I think those rules should be,

prove you're not gonna be

a psychopath with it.

You're not gonna

wave it in anybody's face.

Make sure

kids don't get their hands on it.

Don't sh**t anybody in the chest,

unless it's Steve-O

and he asks you to or whatever.

If you follow those rules,

everybody has to mind their own business.

Same on the other side, right?

If you were born a female

and that's never made sense

with how you think,

or how you feel emotionally,

you should get to have

a p*nis on your body, if you want one.

There should be rules

and if you follow them,

everyone should have to shut up.

Those rules should be,

prove you're not gonna be

a psychopath with it.

You're not gonna wave it

in anybody's face.

Make sure

kids don't get their hands on it.

Don't sh**t anybody in the chest,

unless it's Steve-O

and he asks you to or whatever.

It's so easy if we let it be.

I'll tell you one more story.

I was in Sacramento...

This is another one

where I don't know how to do transitions.

I was in Sacramento and it was flooding,

so I couldn't go anywhere for four days

and I was in a hotel room.

On the last day I was there,

I started watching

the Minnesota Vikings play the Giants.

I was watching that game,

and then there was a knock at my door.

And I hadn't seen anyone for four days.

I was very lonely.

So normally when someone knocks

on my hotel room door,

I Mission Impossible-shimmy

and listen to figure out who's out there.

Not this time. I was like,

"It's company. Hey!"

It was two armed security guards,

with their hands already on their g*ns.

They were positioned like this,

and their flippy thing

was already flipped up.

So all they had to do is that

with their g*n.

Now I was holding the door like this,

you couldn't see my hand.

That's how you open a hotel room door.

They kept looking at my hand weird,

so I go, "Mm-mm. What's happening?"

He goes, "Let go of the door."

I said, "I can't. It'll shut

and b*ll*ts go through doors."

He goes, "Better figure it out."

I said, "Can I move my hand?"

And the guy goes, "Go for it."

Well, no.

I'm not playing that game, High Noon.

So I put my foot down to block the door

and I magician'd my hand out like this.

Just trying to get 'em to smile.

I even made all the noises.

I was like, "Uh-ba-bam!"

He goes, "What are you doing?"

I go, "What are you doing?"

He goes, "We have

a domestic disturbance complaint

about this room."

And I go, "Mm-mm. Not this one."

"I've been here all by myself

for four days."

"Don't believe me? Come in here

and try to bend this sock."

Right? I mean...

I'm just trying to get 'em to smile.

They have g*ns.

And so they don't even smirk,

they go, "We have to come in,

make sure no one is in there."

I'm like, "Yeah, go for it."

I get out of the way.

One guy passes me.

The other guy comes

like he's gonna pass me,

and he stops right by me.

He looks at me and goes,

"And we're not touching the sock."

I'm like, "Yeah, man. There's no sock.

Relax, that was a joke."

So we get in there,

and he goes, "Open the closet."

I open it and the guy goes,

"Do it slower."

What kind of dirty tape are we making?

Why would he want me to do it slower

and then I thought, "Do they really think

I'm a magician because of this sh*t?"

They think there was someone in there,

I'm like, "Yeah, but not anymore!"

Ridiculous.

They go, "We gotta go in the bathroom."

I go, "Let's go. Nobody's in here."

They go, "Open the shower curtain."

I start to slide it but I go,

"How slow you want me to open this one?"

"Oh-h*, you like that, daddies?"

He goes, "Knock it off."

I go, "You knock it off. You have g*ns."

I go, "You gotta tell me what's going on."

He goes, "We have a witness in the hallway

that heard something."

I go, "I have an idea.

How about we go talk to them?"

So we go out in the hallway

and there is a woman standing there.

She says, "I was walking by this room,

and I'm positive it was this room,

and I heard a man yell,

'Get on the ground, b*tch.'"

I was like, "I'm lonely, but that is not

something that I would ever... Oh, no."

I go, "Is it possible

you heard a man yell,

'Get him on the ground, you big b*tch!'

because I did yell that

at a Minnesota Viking defensive lineman."

"I did."

"I have the under

and they are running all over us today."

She goes, "Oh, my God, that was it!"

I go, "Oh, my God.

You invited people with g*ns."

I go, "Can I go in my room?"

They go, "Go ahead."

So I shut the door

and I locked the deadbolt,

but I snapped the deadbolt

as hard as I could

and it echoed in the hallway.

And as soon as it got quiet,

I yelled, "Stay under the bed!"

You guys were absolutely incredible!

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Thank you. Jesus Christ.

Thank you, guys. This is unbelievable.