Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person (2023)

[bunniefuu]

A bit more.

Georgette, hold her

so she doesn't fall.

I've got her...

That's it!

Sasha, I saw you peeking.

No, not true.

Denise, stop teasing your cousin.

Closer...

Over here!

You're getting warmer!

You got it.

Open your eyes!

Happy birthday, Sasha!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

The guy at the store said

it's the best book for beginners.

Did she have secret lessons?

No, this the first time

she's ever touched a piano, I think?

Must be in her blood.

Sounds like another gift!

For real?

Should I answer?

I thought we said

no other gifts.

I'm allowed to spoil her.

She's my only niece.

No, Denise,

that's for me!

It is I,

Rico the Rooster!

Honk my snout

and I'll twist and shout.

A clown!

Yup.

Hello.

Welcome, Mr. Rico.

Left, then right.

Swing all around,

left, right.

With your hands.

Don't get dizzy now!

And a round of applause.

Aren't clowns

supposed to be funny?

Well... the art of clowning is vast.

I can do magic.

-Do you like magic?

-Yes, magic!

OK, I need...

An item from

my magic trunk.

If I can find it...

These are handcuffs.

Rico's gonna

put them on,

then lock himself

in the magic trunk.

In less than a minute

he'll hop out,

his hands free

and with a new hairdo.

You can close the trunk.

I can't take this anymore.

When do we eat him?

I'm starving!

Rico needs your help now.

Sweetie, I know

your gift is amusing, but...

he'll also be tasty.

We have your back.

Come.

I'm suffocating.

Help me, I'm gonna...

Rico's claustrophobic!

Rico's claustrophobic!

Come, we'll do it together.

C'mon Sasha, I'm hungry.

It's her gift, be patient.

Your fangs will

come in on their own.

Come!

Thank you!

-What's going on?

-Stop screaming.

Let me go!

Her roots are long enough.

Everything's there...

So why didn't they come out?

No clue.

It could be

a nervous system thing.

Daddy!

It's all right, monkey,

we're right here.

Daddy, take this off.

I don't like it!

Enough! Stop this!

Dammit, I could crucify

this bloody clicker!

This is extremely unusual.

We should be seeing a reaction

in the hypothalamus

when stimulated

by acts of violence.

Instead, it's her

ventromedial prefrontal cortex

that's all lit up.

What does it mean?

It means that the girl's compassion

is triggered

by images of humans dying.

Not her hunger.

Given all you've told me

there's a good chance

that your daughter

is suffering

from post-traumatic stress.

Told you.

We couldn't know

she'd get attached to Rico the Rooster.

Couldn't we?

She empathizes with rocks.

You must acknowledge

that your daughter needs help.

What can we do?

Have you noticed Sasha

having obsessive thoughts?

I'd like to keep her here

so we can probe a bit deeper.

Aurlien, wait.

Wait here.

No way I'm gonna

leave her here.

We know nothing

about post-traumatic stress.

I know my daughter.

She just needs time.

Everyone has their own pace.

It won't fix itself, the longer we wait

the more she'll be impaired.

"Impaired?" Come on.

Our job is to raise

an independent child.

It's also our job not to force her

into something she's not ready for.

Come, Sasha.

Georgette...

I won't be hunting for all of us

for the next 200 years.

I said, I won't be hunting for all of us

for the next 200 years.

What do you mean?

I hunt too.

What?

I went on Monday.

Wow.

Congrats.

We're out of baggies.

I know, your mom'll go soon.

MAN, THE THINKING ANIMAL

We're not helping her

by letting her empty the fridge!

Hunting for two or for three,

what's the difference?

I'm sick of you

saying that.

-What should we do then?

-There's a million things we could do!

Like what, take away

her piano until she eats?

-Maybe then she'd try!

-Her piano is all that she has.

She would finally hunt, Aurlien!

I'll never force my daughter

to k*ll against her will!

Jump, or else

help me with the brats.

I'm coming.

Idiot.

My shoes stink,

gimme new ones.

This man was here first.

-It's my birthday.

-Happy birthday.

But there's a line, you know.

-Let her go ahead.

-What's the problem?

My shoes smell like cheese

and he won't gimme new ones.

It's not your shoes that stink,

kitten,

it's my colleague Paul here

who doesn't shower.

Don't worry, he'll give you

new ones now, right?

Thanks Mr. Big Cheese.

"Mr. Big Cheese."

See you, Nacho Man.

We need to talk.

Are you OK, monkey?

You sure?

Yes, why?

You'd tell us if you had

dark thoughts, eh?

Of course.

Then why did I find this

in your room?

Food is dangerous.

You could die! Tell me you

weren't planning on eating this.

I wasn't. Someone gave it to me.

I don't know why I kept it.

-Sasha, your fangs...

-You have fangs?

I know.

-That's very good news!

-No, I don't want them.

Lock me up. I'm never leaving

this house again. Please.

Have a seat, Sasha.

We've given it some thought.

We think it would be best

if you went to live with Denise.

But why?

Because this is not...

This environment is not conducive

to learning.

I won't give her so much

as a drop of blood. I promise.

It's just until you learn.

Your mother and I...

we might not always be around.

It's an acquired taste.

You'll end up enjoying it.

I don't need to k*ll people

to know I won't like it.

You don't k*ll them,

but you do eat them.

If you do this,

I'll die of hunger.

Enough

with the blackmail!

Cadavers don't grow on trees.

You have your fangs,

you can do it.

Sorry, Sasha.

It's non-negotiable.

Make yourselves comfortable, boys.

I picked up some hitchhikers.

Pick your favourite. I'll hang him up

and show you how to bleed him.

No, thanks,

I'm not hungry.

What's behind your back?

Nothing.

Hey, Denise,

what are these hooks for?

Let me show you, boys.

Do you like being tied up?

Who's first?

-Huh... me?

-Great.

You, over there.

What's the safe word?

No need for that.

Let go of me!

I'll just pull on this chain here...

Do you like it?

No! Stop!

A LITTLE HELP

FOR YOUR FIRST WEEK. LOVE, DAD.

Where are my baggies?

-What did you do with them?

-What time is it?

-Where are they?

-Shut up!

They're all gone.

Dunk these in your shoes,

Nacho Man!

Come on, Mr. Big Cheese!

Look, my new ad!

JEANS YOUR LIFE

Omigod, you're so sexy!

Too bad you're dumb!

Shut up, as*h*le!

You got no future.

No d*ck either.

Guys! Drop it or

I'll tie you to the roof with it!

Back on the post now!

What, Paul?

Listen up, everyone!

That's it with all

this forgetting business.

I told you. Next one to forget

their shoes plays in slippers.

Careful, I knit them myself!

Phentex for latecomers too.

I feel generous.

Seriously?

Everyone, let's get started!

I look like a freakin idiot

because of you.

Yo, Team Slipper.

You playing,

or baking us some biscuits?

Henry, stop messing around.

Watch out,

I'm about to start handing out Fs.

Can I at least switch partners?

He sucks sh*t.

That's what you get for being t*rd!

Move it, Paul. Let's go. Serve!

Pull your head out of your a*s

or I'll choke you with these slippers.

What's the matter now?

There!

Understood, Paul?

You have to apologize.

-I can't, it's dead.

-That's not funny.

Some of our students

are traumatized.

Watching a classmate slaughter

an innocent animal like that was brutal.

I just put it out of its misery.

You're the one

who smashed it to the ground!

Seems like my son was defending

his class from flying vermin.

I'm not seeing the problem here.

In my 30 years of service,

I've never seen anything like this.

A kid k*lling an animal

in class!

First time for everything.

Don't bother me again

with trivialities.

Come on, Paul.

What if he attacks a student next time?

Excuse me?

When a child starts hurting animals

who can tell where it'll end?

My son is not a m*rder*r.

I wouldn't k*ll anyone

other than myself.

I know you weren't a fan

of group sessions.

But I need you

to give them another shot, okay?

I think it might help.

If you say so.

Seatbelt?

It wasn't me, I swear!

Don't tell me you're not tempted

to k*ll at least one of them.

Gotta bounce, douchebags!

-I was gonna get it.

-What's your name?

JP.

Wanna have some fun

before bed, JP?

Yeah.

We can start this real nice and easy

in the hot tub.

Did I tell you I have a hot tub?

Yep. It's the first thing you told us.

How about you Sasha?

You like scotch?

No.

My dad's got a nice collection.

Or maybe cigars are more your thing?

I've got some real Cuban Montecristos.

Oh, we're pretty easy.

We like everything.

Viva la vida de loca!

When I say, "Yeah,"

you go, "Yeah," OK?

Girls, I know it won't be easy,

but we've got to keep quiet.

My dad's a real light sleeper.

Go for the jugular,

and keep feeding

until he stops moving.

We don't want JP around

for 300 years.

I can't do it.

Sasha, this is it.

Get out and bite him.

Go! Now's the time.

-I can't.

-I believe in you.

-I can't.

-Go. That's enough.

I can't and I won't!

I won't do it.

Then watch me

so the trip's not a total waste.

Is your cousin OK?

What are you doing?

No...

HIT A ROUGH PATCH?

SOS SUICIDE IS HERE TO HELP

DEPRESSION & SUICIDE

ANONYMOUS

Greetings.

Take a seat and we'll start.

A new face!

Welcome.

What's your name?

Nice to meet you Sasha,

and welcome.

Would anyone like

to share their week?

Yes?

Sorry.

I wanted to thank Chantal,

for the Happylight,

thank you.

-My pleasure.

-It really helped.

I'm usually useless

in the fall.

But now, I've already

updated my resume.

Congrats!

...in bed the night before my race.

I felt something

touching my feet.

I thought,

could it be my mother

who wanted to

wish me good luck?

Oh, come on.

Just because you can't see something

doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Renaude,

I believe you.

-Thanks.

-And I think...

Thank you.

Just a reminder that

we're not here to judge.

We need to respect

everyone's beliefs.

Sasha, you haven't spoken yet.

Is there anything

you'd like to share?

Basically,

I'm in a very delicate position

where I'm forced to do bad things.

I'm not sure I understand.

What kind of bad things?

That's not important

because I'm not doing it.

The problem is if I don't do it,

I'll die.

The more I think about it

the more I know

it's for the best.

It's good that you came.

We're here to help and remind each other

that death is not the solution.

I disagree.

Sometimes,

death can be an interesting solution.

Example.

I don't enjoy life.

And

I'd gladly give mine up

for a good cause

if one ever comes around.

-Paul, are you OK to go home?

-Yes.

-Good night, then.

-Good night.

Did you mean what you said?

Yeah.

Hey, Denise?

Ever been to Machu Picchu?

Huh?

-Huh, Denise?

-No.

A little pisco sour and ceviche

on the beach sure sounds nice.

I hope you had your fill of ceviche

'cause you'll never taste it again.

Coming?

Aren't you going

to introduce us?

Paul, my cousin Denise.

Denise, Paul.

Pleased to meet you.

And I'm JP.

Mi casa es tu casa, bro!

This is not your casa.

And what did we say

about speaking Spanish?

No?

Make yourself at home, Paul.

We'll be in my room.

Denise, look.

Denise.

Whoa.

Been playing long?

Forty-three years.

How old are you?

Sixty-eight.

What's your life expectancy?

-Depends.

-On what?

Several factors.

Well, approximately then.

I know my aunt Victorine

is 375 years old.

She's 375?

That's a lot.

Are there retirement homes

for vampires?

Not that I know of, no...

Well, you certainly don't look 68.

It's because we age more slowly.

What happens

if you go in the sun?

We shrivel up.

And do crosses shrivel you up too?

-It's more like an allergy.

-To church?

You could say that.

I'm allergic to dust mites.

Nice collection!

I'm a collector myself!

Rocks and minerals.

Geodes are my favourites.

I've got a knack for spotting 'em.

And if you had to choose just one,

on your deathbed?

-Should I take off my sweater?

-No.

Tilt your head.

Maybe I'll close my eyes.

Good idea.

Don't worry,

I have a high tolerance for pain.

I'm just... I'll be right back.

-What's going on?

-Nothing.

Hey, this isn't some youth hostel.

Okay?

Bad enough I'm stuck

with this dud because of you.

-Now get back in there and finish him.

-I know.

Your docile friend Paul

is already in your room.

Want me to do it for you?

-No.

-I can do it for you.

I'll get it done.

Let's try with the lights off.

Or I could lie down,

to give you clear access to my throat.

Is there anything you'd like?

What?

A dying wish.

-I dunno.

-Dying wishes are crucial.

-I don't have one.

-Everyone has one.

Yeah?

I never thought about it.

-I'd be much more comfortable.

-For real?

Well...

I'd love to tear Henry a new one.

Let's tear Henry a new one.

What are you doing?

You're leaving?

We're off to fulfill

his dying wish.

His dying wish?

He might be in the back.

Wait here?

Miranda?

Paul! Thank God!

Can you sort the shoes?

Sorry. Not working.

Where's Henry?

f*ck called in sick

to go to Jonathan's party.

Help me. They're getting angry.

Can't. I'm with someone.

C'mon! I can't do

every f*cking thing by myself!

Just that one group.

Hey there beautiful Miranda.

Another pitcher

of Long Island Iced Tea, please.

Can't you just drink beer

like everyone else?

What the f*ck? My beer!

Sorry for the wait.

Henry bailed so I had

to handle the shoe counter.

Do you know where he went?

He's at a party.

Okay, so let's go.

Seriously, no.

I can't tell him to f*ck off

in front of everybody.

If you don't do it,

I can't k*ll you.

I guess I can think up

another dying wish.

Like what?

I don't know.

Anything that won't leave me

dying of shame.

I almost shat myself

on the way to the bowling alley.

Maybe you could practise

on someone else?

Might boost your confidence.

I came to tell you...

Take your jeans and shove 'em,

Mlissa Bessette!

sh*t! They wrecked your ad!

C'mon!

Whatcha doin' here?

You like Fs?

Well, F you, Mr. Goyette!

That's leather, you little turd!

Stop, stop!

Stop!

Come back here!

Paul?

What do you want?

What's that?

Go to hell, Mrs. Gauvin!

Paul!

You pick up this bat right now!

I k*lled it! Don't you think?

You OK?

How long have you been suicidal?

That's a very good question.

Since forever, I think.

I was even born with the umbilical cord

around my neck.

I thought humans feared death.

I think people

are just afraid of suffering.

Or of being alone.

Do you mind if we make one last stop?

Don't worry,

my mom's at work.

I'm almost done.

Now I'm ready.

MOM

You're home early.

Nope.

What are you still doing up?

Nothing.

I'm going to a party.

-A party?

-Yup.

-With people and loud music?

-Right. A party.

Mom, this is Sasha.

Oh, I didn't know

you brought a friend home.

It's a real pleasure

to meet you, Sasha.

I'm Sandrine.

His mother.

Charmed.

Okay.

Well... Goodbye.

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you too.

Have fun, eh?

How you doin' bro?

Where's your drink.

There he is.

Wish me luck.

Oh sh*t! Nacho Man

is in the house!

Paulo, Paulo, Paulo!

Your mother let you out, Paulie boy?

It's like I can see through your skin.

I got a riddle for you, Paulie.

What do you call cheese

that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

Good answer!

f*ck off!

What a f*cking sicko!

-He's bleeding!

-Come on.

Come back here, as*h*le!

What are you doing?

You need to feed.

I've already cut myself.

No.

Are you mad because I bit Henry?

Because that was purely circumstantial.

I didn't mean to steal your thunder.

I was sort of inspired.

That has nothing to do with it.

You're a vampire,

it's normal for you to k*ll people.

I can't, my fangs won't come out.

But I've seen them.

It only happened once.

Should we re-enact the scene?

-I can crash into a tree.

-It's pointless.

Don't worry.

I want to die.

Then why are you still here?

Spotted the as*h*le!

Wait.

You little b*tch!

Watch me bite you back!

I should've pushed you off the roof

a long time ago, ret*rd!

Stop!

Get him, Henry!

Stop!

I'll break your f*cking teeth!

Let him go!

as*h*le!

Not biting anymore, eh?

Try eating your cheese now!

Get him!

Finish him off, man.

I'm gonna rip your face off!

Guys, what are you doing?

You did it.

We gotta hide the body.

Go.

I'm not leaving you alone.

You have to leave.

-Will I see you in group?

-LEAVE!

-Swear that you've done it.

-Where's your shovel?

-I knew you weren't a sissy.

-We have to hurry.

Who's this?

That's not Paul.

No. It's Henry.

Who's Henry?

C'mon!

Lift.

Fold his legs.

Push.

That's good.

Your friend.

What'd you do with him?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Here. Have a wet wipe.

No time for breaks.

Sun'll be up in three hours.

-Help me, then.

-Your body, your grave.

Fine, I'll give you a hand.

But you gotta tell me

where your little Paul is.

-What's the difference?

-Where'd you bury him?

None of your business,

let me dig.

What'd you do with him?

Nothing!

Sasha!

You can't bring home a human

and not k*ll him after.

He won't talk.

I knew it.

I'll take care of it.

Where does he live?

Huh?

Where does he live?

You OK?

Stop smiling.

I'm not smiling.

Look, you're smiling again.

It's just nerves.

-My cousin really wants to k*ll you.

-I got that.

What would your dying wish be?

To see the sun.

I made coffee. Then I realized vampires

don't drink coffee. So I drank it all.

Sleep well?

Yeah, you?

No. But I explored

the 17 possible scenarios

given we don't have passports,

can't speak English,

I only have $525 in the bank and I threw

a dead bat at my principal's face.

Honestly, we have no choice.

-You have to turn me.

-No.

-That way I can help you.

-With what?

k*lling consenting humans.

There are tons of support groups

for suicidal people.

No.

I'm gonna be

such a creative humanist vampire.

I have so many ideas.

It's not that easy.

-You'd never see daylight.

-I'm a homebody.

-You couldn't eat.

-Eating is a waste of time.

-Couldn't go to school.

-I hate it!

What about your mother?

-She'll understand.

-You can't tell her.

We're vampires.

We can do whatever we want.

It doesn't work like that, Paul.

Please.

It's the first time

I've ever really wanted something.

My fangs

probably won't come in anyway.

I thought about that too.

Not to brag, but your fangs appear

every time you feared for my life.

Just imagine your cousin

trying to k*ll me.

That should work.

What if it doesn't work?

I'm willing to risk it.

Can you give this to my mom?

If things go wrong.

POSSIBLE ESCAPE PLANS

HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING

CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON

Daddy?

-You turned him.

-What were you thinking?

I said, "just you."

We're all worried, sweetie.

He's been struggling to breathe

for an hour.

-He needs blood.

-And he'll be OK?

I don't know,

but we're gonna try.

-We could finish him off.

-Victorine!

-No!

-We agreed to come here to help Sasha.

We can't adopt a new relative

every time she needs a snack!

We have standards!

You might like me

if you give me a chance.

I'm a person worth knowing.

Right, Denise?

You can't turn people

without consulting us.

Paul's my friend,

he'd die for me.

So, what are we waiting for?

Let's do it.

I'd be happy to drive a stake

through his heart.

JP, show us you're worthy

of being part of this family.

Stick your pen

right into his heart.

Don't touch him

or I'll stake you!

Hold on. Nobody's driving

any stakes into anyone's heart.

What's the matter with you?

Paul was my decision, not yours.

If you don't like it,

there's the door.

I didn't realize you were so attached.

A bag!

We need to feed him!

-I don't have any!

-Who has blood?

Move.

What're you doing?

Here, drink this.

Hand over your baggies.

-Not a chance.

-C'mon, we're not heartless!

Come on Denise.

Give 'em your baggies.

It's all I've got.

Figure it out.

Here...

Drink slowly.

That's it.

Do it slowly.

Sorry for hitting you

with the shovel.

It's OK,

I would've done worse.

I really hope your friend

pulls through.

But if he does,

you guys can't stay with me.

Mom?

She asked us to slow her morphine drip.

She wants to be awake.

Her kids came by?

Yeah, everybody did.

She's waiting for you.

Good evening, Franoise.

Sandrine told us

you're ready for your concert.

How's my hair?

Perfect.

Franoise...

I got it from your garden.

HUMANIST VAMPIRE

SEEKING

CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON

HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING

CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON