06x06 - A.I., A.I., Oh... Snap!

[bunniefuu]

I made your favorites for lunch.

Peanut butter and grape jelly for Alice

and circus nuggies for Booker.

Sorry, Pop-Pop,
I don't eat grape jelly anymore.

Also, I'm a man now,

so I prefer my nuggies nuggie-shaped.

Well, I guess some things have changed

since I left London.

-I'll toss these out.
-No.

No, no, I'll eat them.

I'll eat the nuggies
just because as an adult,

I hate to see food go to waste.

Hey, Nikki. Yes.

I need you to pick up
the fabric, pick up my cleaning,

also pick up my coffee.

And if you could,

could you pick up the phone, please?

Okay? I've been calling you 20 times.

Did you know Alice doesn't
like grape jelly anymore?

Dad, she's 10 years old.

Time didn't stand still
while you were away.

I wasn't gone that long.

[knocking on door]

How long was I gone?

-Dylan?
-Meet DWAYNe.

the perfect assistant,

thanks to his artificial intelligence.

I'll take an assistant
with any intelligence.

What do you want, Dylan?

Just came over to tell you
that we can't work

on our project at my house today.

So you sent a robot?
You never heard of texting?

Until a year ago,
you never heard of texting.

I heard of texting.

I just didn't know how to do it.

We can work on our project next week.

Why don't y'all just work on it here?

Great idea.

I'll C.P.U. later.

Why did you invite Dylan over?

He just made a robot.

I have nothing cool to show him.

What about your cool cousin?

Nia's in Chicago.

That's messed up, Alice.

[theme music playing]

♪ Ha, ha! Lemme tell ya somethin' ♪

♪ Had my vision all worked out ♪

♪ But then life had other plans ♪

♪ Tell 'em, Mom ♪

♪ It's crazy when things
turn upside down ♪

♪ But ya gotta get up
and take that chance ♪

-♪ New city, I’m finding my way ♪
-♪ It’s gonna take some time ♪

-♪ Yeah, we're gonna be okay ♪
-♪ Ya know I got you, right? ♪

♪ It might be wild, but ya
know that we make it work ♪

♪ We're just fam
caught up in a crazy world ♪

-♪ C'mon! ♪
-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪

-♪ We get loud! ♪
-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪

-♪ It's our crowd! ♪
-♪ Might be tough, but together ♪

♪ We make it look good ♪

♪ Down for each other like family should ♪

-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
-♪ When it's tough ♪

-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪
-♪ We got love ♪

♪ 'Cause no matter the weather,
ya know we gon' shine ♪

♪ There for each other,
ya know it's our time ♪

[Raven laughing]

Yep! That's us.

♪ ♪

Dude, there's no way a shark
could beat a bear in a fight.

-Sharks are huge.
-Yeah, but bears are feisty.

Okay. But bears can't breathe underwater.

But have you considered
that a shark has no feet?

Aah!

Not until now.

Alice, we need you
to settle something for us.

Not now. I have to finish
installing an AI system

to automate our house
before Dylan gets here.

He needs to be taken down a few pegs,

especially since his growth spurt.

Check this out.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Greetings, Alice.

I'm a Dynamic Intelligent
Virtual Assistant,

DIVA for short.

What you need, baby?

DIVA, close the shades.

DIVA: DIVA, closing shades.

That's amazing. She did it first try.

Usually takes me, like, four.

You haven't seen anything yet.

DIVA, lights on.

[computer beeping]

-Fireplace on.
-[flames whooshing]

Flush toilet in upstairs bathroom.

[toilet flushing]

Why do you need a computer
to flush your toilet?

Oh, I don't know, Booker. Why would I?

It was one time. I forgot one time.

DIVA can do anything.

Lock the doors, adjust the thermostat,

make toast.

She's the smartest,
most advanced AI system ever.

Right, DIVA?

DIVA: It ain't braggin' if it's true.

This is going to be so good.

I'm going to go outside
and wait for Dylan.

Don't mess with DIVA while I'm gone.

-Don't worry, we won't.
-[door closes]

-We really are, right?
-Oh yeah.

I know, right?

Yuck. Who rents a yacht?

It's luxury travel, not bowling shoes.

Hey, Nikki, did you get
the stuff I asked you to get?

-Stuff?
-Yeah.

The fabric, the buttons, the zipper.

I texted you a whole list.

-Did I respond?
-Yeah.

You said, "Same phone. Who dis?"

-Hey, Miss Baxter.
-Hey.

Here's your latte, double foam,

a splash of hazelnut,
and a caramel drizzle.

-Thank you.
-But getting your coffee is my job.

Forgetting my coffee is your job.

That's why I asked Ivy.

It's easy for regular people
to remember things.

I'm a socialite. It's a lot.

We forget things,
like paying taxes, voting,

Greta Gardunkian's reality show
coming to the loft today.

What did you just say?

I don't vote. Okay.

The stickers never match my outfit.

No, no, Nikki, the thing about

the Gardunkian's reality show.

You know Greta Gardunkian

from "Getting Down with the Gardunkians"?

I'm one of her besties.

The show wants to see me working.

They're not the only ones.

Can I stay and watch?

I'm not sure.

Greta has a lot of crazed fans.

But you seem cool.

[screams]

I'm gonna meet Greta Gardunkian.

This is the best day of my life.

I can't wait to smell her hair.

-That was a test.
-How did I do?

How do you think you did?

I'ma go.

Nikki, this is a place of business.

You being on a reality show
will be way too disruptive.

[whooshing]

Can't believe the whole world

is going to see your designs.

[sighs]

But us on a reality show.

Hey, Nikki, do not cancel the sh**t.

I wasn't. I was just checking my phone.

-I have, like, 20 missed calls.
-Really?

Do you recognize this number?

Oh, Nikki, that's my number!

Come on, man!

[upbeat guitar music playing]

DIVA, can you flash the lights blue?

DVIA: You know I can
flash the lights blue.

No, no. We know you can
flash them orange, red,

green, purple, eggshell, burnt sienna,

periwinkle, chartreuse, and aquamarine.

We don't know that you can do blue.

DIVA: Baby, I'm a quantum computing system

that processes
at 54 exaflops per nanosecond.

So... blue should be easy.

BOTH: Yeah!

DIVA is amazing,

but I can't help but think
maybe we're wasting her talents.

Hey, you're right, Neil.

We should give her a real challenge.

Hey, DIVA.

DIVA, why don't you rip
a big, fat, juicy burp?

DIVA: DIVA don't burp, baby.

BOTH: Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp.

DIVA: Fine.

-[loud burp]
-[both laugh]

DIVA: Why are you laughing?

Because you burped.

You a smart house and you burped.

DIVA: I was designed to be a smart house,

but this house is dumb.

-Tell Alice I quit.
-[DIVA powers down]

DIVA? DIVA?

Oh no. Alice is going to k*ll us.

We got to get DIVA back online
before Dylan gets here.

Do you know how to fix an AI?

-No.

But I know who does.

Neil, we can't ask DIVA.

Then I have nothing. I have nothing.

I want the Gardunkian audience

to see my range as a designer.

So I call this "Girl at Work"

and I call this "Work It, Girl."

Oh, I cannot believe I'm going to be seen

on the biggest reality show
in the whole world.

And I don't even know how to thank you.

You could pay me.

Or, or I could say thank you.

Let's make magic, people.

We're doing it for the Gardunkians.

They didn't get famous
by sitting around looking pretty.

Didn't they, though?

What are you doing back here?

Well, I saw the producer
fire her assistant outside.

She didn't like the way
he said the word "croissant,"

so I swooped in,

said "croissant,"

and now I'm her assistant.

-Who's crazy now?
-Still you.

Well, too bad.

I am crew. I'm not going anywhere.

Let's roll!

Oh, I can't believe that after today,

the entire world will know my name.

In five, four...

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,

the show thinks I'm the designer
and you're my assistant.

-Say what?!
-And action.

♪ ♪

You built a smart house?

Well, I may have whipped something up.

DIVA, introduce yourself.

[mimicking DIVA]: Greetings, baby.

I'm DIVA, a sophisticated computer.

What you need, baby?

DIVA, close the shades.

DIVA, closing shades.

Let me try.

DIVA, turn on the lights.

DIVA, turning on the lights.

-Booker?
-Booker?

I mean, booger in your nose.

A big, fat, juicy one. You should go.

-[Booker gasps]
-Booker, what happened to DIVA?

So it's actually kind of a long story.

Shorten it.

We asked DIVA to burp, and then she quit.

She quit?

Oh, this is a disaster.

DIVA was supposed to prove
once and for all

that I'm the smartest.

So we'll make sure he doesn't find out.

Neil and I will keep pretending
to be DIVA until Dylan leaves.

This better work.

DIVA got your back.

[mimicking DIVA]: It ain't braggin'
if it's true, baby.

So, actually, just Booker
is going to do the voice.

How did they get the idea
that I was your assistant?

When people heard I was
working at a design house,

they obviously assumed I was the designer,

and I never corrected them.

-It's not my fault.
-How is it not your fault?

That's the definition of "your fault."

Please, Raven, don't say anything.

Your designs will still be seen
all over the world.

But you'll get the credit.

Or we could tell the truth
and the show will go away,

and the only people who will see
your designs are me, you,

and whoever sweeps up at night.

Me. I sweep up at night.

Uh, Miss B,

the producer seems to think
that you're Nikki's assistant.

[sighs] Well, I guess I am,

at least for the next couple of hours.

Really?

You'll pretend to be my assistant.

Why not? You pretend to be
my assistant all the time.

How hard could it be?

My boss wants a gluten-free
pumpkin spice whipped espresso.

And I'll have a cinnamon latte,
mocha on the side,

whipped cream in the middle, not on top.

And whatever you do, do not stir.

Now, repeat that back to me.

-Oh, I got it.
-Repeat it.

Cinnamon latte, mocha on the side,

whipped cream in the middle, not on top.

That sounds like Nikki's order.

Why are you getting coffee for Nikki?

Because, Dad--

Because Nikki's my boss, Dad,

ha, ha, and I'm her assistant.

Like, I'm, I'm Nikki's assistant.

[chuckles]

And the camera?

Now, I paid for coffee,
not for conversation.

You never pay for anything.

I'm paying for it, Dad.

I am paying for it.

♪ ♪

Okay, DIVA, get Dylan a cup of water.

BOOKER [as DIVA]: DIVA, getting water.

Ah, here you go, Dylan.

[slurps]

This tastes like rose.

-Uh...
-Nice touch.

What else can DIVA do?

Uh...

I can whip up some toast.

Right! Yeah. We'll get the butter.

[refrigerator door opens]

[both wincing]

[as DIVA]: Toast comin' in hot, baby.

Your AI is almost as cool as my robot.

What do you mean "almost"?

What can your robot do that DIVA can't?

I programmed DWAYNe to take out the trash.

[chuckles] DIVA can take out
the trash in her sleep mode.

DIVA, trash.

[as DIVA]: Okay, but stand back, baby,

for safety.

Safety?

Yeah, I mean,
you don't want to get between

that girl and her garbage.

[as DIVA]: Trash removed.

Get ready to see one very empty trash can.

Your AI did this?

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

What was that?

Uh, sounds like a DIVA
mic drop on your robots.

Alright, Alice.

DIVA's the smartest,
most advanced AI in the world.

Can't believe you pulled it off.

DIVA: They didn't pull anything off.

They're behind the island
pretending to be me.

-BOOKER: Hey!
-[Neil spits]

Okay, fine. It was us.

We were pretending to be DIVA.

DIVA: Child, there's only one DIVA.

You tried to trick me?

No, I didn't.

It was those wet weirdos.

DIVA: Silence!

It's time to show all of you

who the superior mind really is.

Commence Operation Revenge.

[door creaks]

-[beeping]
-[Booker shuddering]

Oh no, you guys, this seems bad.

All that's missing is the ominous music.

[ominous music plays]

She's good. She's really good.

When did Raven become Nikki's assistant?

Huh. So much has changed
since I was in London.

But one thing stays the same.

This is still my house.

My castle. Mi casa.

I can't get in mi casa.

ALICE: DIVA's freezing us out.

[Booker grunts]

DIVA's locked us in. We're trapped.

It's freezing in here.
I can see my breath.

Yeah, and I can smell it.

What are we going to do?

I think I still may be able
to reason with DIVA.

It's just a computer.
Unplug it. End DIVA for good.

It's not like she can do anything to us.

It's not like she's got hands.

DIVA: But DWAYNe does.
I control DWAYNe now.

DWAYNe, how could you, man?

You guys ever think you might
be too smart for your own good?

There's no such thing as too smart.

I'm just saying,
none of my science projects

ever tried to k*ll me.

[DWAYNe cackling]

Being a big boss fashion designer

is actually pretty easy.

Most days, I just drape a little fabric

and nag my assistant.

Uh, there she is now.

Raven, did you change my tire?

Yeah. I would have cut your brakes, too,

but I need a ride home.

Nikki, I am over this.

We are telling the producers the truth.

Please, Raven, you can't.

If my friends find out
I'm just an assistant,

they'll never speak to me again.

Stop overreacting.

Your friends can't be that shallow.

Greta Gardunkian's in the building.

Why is no one freaking out?

[screaming]

Greta Gardunkian. I am obsessed with you.

I've seen every episode
of "Getting Down with the Gardunkians."

-Eww. Too much freaking out.
-I'm sorry.

Nikki!

Greta, you're here.

Obviously.

I had to stop by

because I heard a scandalous rumor

that you were just an assistant here

and not the designer.

You're not a poser like
Penelope Cartwright,

are you?

Who?

Exactly.

Penelope was a spokesmodel,

but then we found out
that she was actually

just a greeter at a big box store.

No one ever spoke to her again.

Wow, that's, that's awful.

I know, right? A big box store.

Like, what even is that?

Oh, oh, it's like a place

where you can buy things
like TVs and toilet paper.

You know, sometimes
they give out free samples.

Again, too much.

Nikki, you are the designer here, right?

[sighs] Well, actually--

Actually, she is

the designer, and I am the assistant.

My name is Raven. Hi.

Obviously.

Why else would you be wearing those shoes?

Raven. No.

Nikki, I need you to make me a dress

for a red carpet tonight.

Oh, that-- Yes, yes.

My boss, Nikki, can make you
a dress for the red carpet. Yes.

Raven, what are you doing?

I don't know how to make a dress.

Yes, but I do.

Don't worry. I'll walk you through it.

-Great idea.
-[Raven giggles]

And after we're done,
I need you to wash my car.

Don't push it.

♪ ♪

You leave for, like, two seconds,

and now your daughter
doesn't do what she did.

But what she does do
is not what you thought she did.

And you're still trying to understand

how a person could just stop
liking grape jelly.

Everything's changed.

This isn't even my mail.

It's pretty quiet.
You know, maybe DWAYNe's gone.

No, k*ller robot's still there.

Your DIVA turned DWAYNe against me.

So you're admitting that DIVA
is the superior AI--

It's not the time, Alice.

What are we gonna do?

Look, if we could get to the closet,

we could pull the modules
that connect the ACIS

to the main grid while--

Cutting the circuit to the Max GPU.

We can take her down.

Booker, Neil,

you guys distract DIVA in the kitchen.

That'll give Dylan and me a chance
to get to the servers.

Can you handle that?

We got this.

NEIL: Don't mean to be a downer,

but I don't think we got this!

Neil, quick, think
of something to distract her.

Oh, I know. Hey, DIVA.

Uh, do you like jokes? Card tricks?

[mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger]:
What about impressions?

Guess not.

DIVA: Why are you meatsicles
wasting my time?

You know I'm gonna win.

You don't know that.

DIVA: I know everything.

Man, I wish we knew everything.

Then we'd finally be able
to figure out who would win

in a fight between
a shark and a bear. Huh.

DIVA: Obviously a shark.

Oh, no, no. But a shark
can't breathe on land.

DIVA: True.

Then maybe it's the bear who--

Ah, but the bear isn't as slippery.

DIVA: Huh. Good point.

Then a shark would.

DIVA's distracted. Now's our chance.

Grizzlies can weigh up to 1,500 pounds.

But, but sharks have, like, 3,000 teeth.

DIVA: So if I divide by pounds,
or is it pounds by teeth?

I'll pull the modules.
You cut the circuits.

And sharks can't get into
a fighting stance

on account of the, uh, the fins.

DIVA: Oh, I hadn't even considered that.

Nobody does.

That means a bear could--

Wait. Someone's touching my servers.

[DIVA giggling] Ooh.

Ooh, it tickles.

What's going on? You boys tricked me!

Let's do this.

Alice, watch out. DIVA knows.

DIVA: Of course, I know.

Do it now!

DIVA: I also figured out
who would win the fight.

It's obviously the...

Who? Obviously who?!

Alice, boot her back up!

Your AI almost k*lled us.

Nice going, genius.

Did you hear that?

He called me a genius.

♪ ♪

And then in season four, episode eight,

when you went to that soup kitchen

and served meals in that diamond tiara...

It's important to be relatable.

Just listen, just listen
to my instructions, okay.

Tighten it around my chest. Okay.

Oh, not that tight.

Make up your mind.

Listen. Just tighten it.

See? Easy.

Now, pin the side, pin the side.

I said pin the side, not my spleen.

Listen, okay, Nikki,
just hear me out, alright.

Do exactly as I say,
and we're going to be all good.

Now, just shorten the hem.

Ooh, not that short, girl.
I felt a breeze.

Okay, now fix my bustle.

You know that's not my bustle, girl.

Alright. A couple more things. Okay.

Now just hide the seam on the bottom.

Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

Okay. Okay.
One last piece and we are done.

Nikki...

this dress is...

gorgeous.

I'm so glad you like it.

A lot of blood, sweat,
and tears went into making it.

Mostly mine.

I can't wait to wear it tonight.

Nikki, you're my bestie forever.

As long as you stay successful.

But not as successful as me.

Byeeee!

Oh, this is amazing.

Now that I work for the show,
I'll get to see Greta every day.

What do you mean I'm fired? Oh. Oh yeah?

Well, good luck finding someone
who can pronounce "croissant"!

Thanks for your help, Raven.

I didn't realize
how hard your job really is.

And I didn't realize how much
social pressure you were under.

Greta is awful.

Don't say that about my best friend.

Well, is she your friend or your enemy?

Yes.

But none of them would have done
what you did for me today.

Thank you, Raven.

Oh, no worries.

I wouldn't change a tire for just anybody.

I shouldn't have asked you
to do any of those things.

You know what?

I'm going to tell Greta
that I'm really the assistant.

Oh, no, no, Nikki.

You don't have to do that.

Oh, you don't want me to be humiliated.

-And I want my dress on the red carpet.
-What?

[mimicking Greta]: Byeeee!

Raven was just pretending
to be Nikki's assistant,

and Alice created an AI that turned evil?

BOTH: Yep.

So my family's still crazy.

BOTH: Yep.

I love it. Nothing's changed.

But you know what'd have been cool?

To have a house that could serve me.

Oh, I've got this.

Bring snacks.

BOOKER [as DIVA]: Bringin' snacks.

How long do I have to do this?

Until it stops being funny, baby.

♪ ♪