01x02 - Royal Scam

[bunniefuu]

Well, what do you think?

Looks... expensive.

Yeah, it is kind of ugly.

But I dig it.

What's with the higher math?

Monthly expenses.

If I can sell three pictures
a month to the Bugle

and maybe a video exclusive
to Empire One,

I think I can earn...

Half my half of the rent.

Don't sweat it, dude.

"By each according to
his ability,

to each according
to his needs."

Capitalism, baby.

Actually, that's Communism.

Have you set foot
in history class ever?

It's early
in the semester, bro.

You ought to try loosening up.
Skip a class once in a while.

It's soul-cleansing.

As for the rent,

well, maybe I can get you a job

taking research photos
for Oscorp.

Then you can stop glorifying

that murdering freak-boy
Spider-Man.

But I like taking news photos!

Besides, not everyone
hates Spider-Man.

Hey, are you guys showing
a movie on this flight?

I'd love to see
Black Hawk Down.

More like Turbulence.

You pass with
flying colors, Spider-Man.

Emphasis on "flying."

Special Agent Roberts, FBI.

That's Sikes.

Some kind of test,

and me without
a number-two pencil.

We had to do something
to lure you out.

You're not exactly
in the yellow pages.

Yeah, well, I'm not
bulletproof either.

Blanks.

You went to a lot of trouble.

Because we wanted
to meet with you alone.

Your country needs you,
Spider-Man.

My country?
As in the whole country?

Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

Well, what do you know?

How much do you know

about international
monetary transfers?

I'm still trying to figure out

how to dodge that buck-fifty
service fee at the ATM.

Last year, 90% of the
world's banks went digital.

That means
all account transfers

are sent via encrypted
satellite transmission.

We've learned that a superchip
called the TX-1

was commissioned specifically
to decrypt those transmissions.

I don't have to tell you what that
could mean to the world economy.

Why I keep my money
under the mattress.

You know who
commissioned the chip?

All we know is
a mob cryptologist named Bledsoe

is putting the finishing touches
on the TX-1 as we speak.

Still don't see where I fit in.

Bledsoe's lab
is on the 60th floor

of a downtown skyscraper,
heavily guarded.

No way in... for a biped.

You want me
to destroy the chip?

I want you to save the planet
from financial meltdown.

Get the chip to us

and we can figure out
how to neutralize it

in case any others show up.

You scratch our back,
we scratch yours.

Spider-Man swallow the bait?

Sucked in the whole hero
package like it was clean air,

just like you
predicted, Kingpin.

Poor little Spider-Man.
Can't get no respect.

What a rube.

You make that pickup for me?

If there's even
one fry missing...

Boss, I don't eat that crap.

Good.

Hey, you guys
want to grab some grub?

Can't. M.J. and I

have that all-important
Professor Williams lecture.

Hey, let's sit together.

Maybe you can explain it to me.

Peter, I'm not going to class.

And don't give me that look.
We all have our priorities,

and it's lovely
that yours is graduating

mega c*m laude,

and it's going on to be some
sort of international brainiac...

I actually prefer photography.

But my priority is my acting,

and I've got a showcase
tonight at 8

that needs rehearsing.

Sure, I get it.

Your acting is important.

I mean, you're going
to be big someday too.

Yeah?
Yeah.

And I guess getting a snack

and inheriting a global empire

is slacking off

next to Nicole Kidman
and Stephen Hawking here.

So, listen, maybe you guys
want to come watch.

There'll be all sorts

of Broadway producers there,

a couple people from
Letterman, possibly.

Hey, I'll videotape
the lecture for you

so you won't miss anything.

That would be great.

Leave it to you to know
exactly what I'm thinking.

Tape the lecture? You do
like this girl, right?

Is it that obvious?

She doesn't care about
the stupid lecture.

She wants you to care
about the showcase.

She practically
begged you to come.

She asked both of us.

I'll tell you,
for a smart dude,

you can be pretty
clueless sometimes.

I'll see you.

The dive-bombing helicopter

startled many
midtown residents yesterday.

Not to worry.

According to a call
into our E1 newsroom,

it was all
part of a movie sh**t.

However, that doesn't explain
the presence of Spider-Man

interfering with the movie.

Man, am I good, or what?

Cure it with the UV
for as long as it takes.

Great.

That's the one for me.

That's the one for me.

Hello?
Hi. It's Peter.

Parker.

I've known you since
the second grade, Peter.

I know who you are.

Right. I just wanted
to call and say...

Break a leg tonight.
They still say that, right?

I think now they say,
"Don't screw up your lines."

But that's sweet of you.

Well, I know how much
this means to you

and how badly
you want to do well.

Not that you won't do well,
because you will do well

because you're swell.

What I'm trying to say is,

I can't wait to see
your show tonight.

You're coming?

I was hoping you would.

Uh...

I, uh...

So, listen, maybe
you want to come over

before the show
and, I don't know...

help me run lines?

Yeah, that would be cool.

Cool. How about in an hour?

Excellent.

Uh... wait.

I can't.

I'm totally zoned out.

I'm in the middle of chem lab,

and this teacher
kind of has me...

up against a wall to finish.

But you'll still be
at the show?

Absolutely.

Listen, the professor's
taking off.

I gotta finish up,
so I'll see you tonight. Bye.

Good. It's done.

Special delivery.

Nice touch. You guys
into Happy Meals?

FBI protocol
is none of your business.

You got the chip?

Where's Agent Roberts?

Special Agent Roberts

has more important things
to do than make pickups.

I guess that's why
he's so special.

You've done your country
a great service, Spider-Man.

Now, not a word
of this to anyone.

But the scratching of backs...

We've only done
half the ritual.

I scratched yours, and now...

What about the whole world

knowing what a great guy I am?

Give me a break.

Curtain's up in five.

You're in the second sketch.

Then tell me when we're
finishing the first sketch.

I'm practicing.

Maybe if you'd made
rehearsals...

I'll have you know I had a very
high-paying gig yesterday.

Yeah, yeah.

Your mystery producer
you've never met.

What are you looking at?
Never seen a real live actor?

I've been scammed.

Limo, limo. Got to find a limo.

Ah.

Okay, listen.

I mean, you two make
a great-looking couple.

Gotcha!

I'm not sure
which feels better...

becoming one of the richest
men on the planet

or knowing that Spider-Man
was the dupe who made it happen.

Kingpin, he could still be
a threat.

Once he figures out
what's going on,

he's going to know we'll
need a satellite uplink.

Even if he found out where,

he'll never get past
the mini-chopper.

Not when the a*mo's real.
He's a lightweight.

We'll see about that.

Nice of you to drop by.

Not a problem.

Will I be fighting
any of your henchmen,

or did you already eat them?

Let's show him
what he's made of.

Didn't your mother tell you
never to play with g*ns?

Not very fair. A human spider
against an unarmed man.

Yeah, but each of your arms
is the size of Brooklyn.

Whoa.

Yeah, uh, can I have the number
for the local FBI office?

Mm...

I know how important
your showcase was to you.

I really wish
I could have been there.

I was there.

I'm on again tonight,
but don't knock yourself out.

Oh, I won't.
Knock myself out, I mean.

Because if I was out,
I couldn't be there.

Heh.

See you at 8?

Okay, you're forgiven.

You forgetting
something, slick?

Ah, the notes.

M.J., I almost forgot. I've got
that bio videotape for you.

Bring it with you tonight.

Anyone else want coffee?

Good.

Deutsche One, Germany.

The Red Bank, Russia.

The Royal Trust, England.

Our own Federal Reserve.

The financial institutions
of the world,

ladies and gentlemen,

all waiting for the biggest
digital satellite heist

in history.

Now that the TX-1 is ours,

once my men finish
installing the uplink,

you can think of these
as cash registers,

dumping billions
into our pockets.

And, thanks to America's
stupidest superhero,

the feds are hunting
the wrong man.

When will the uplink be ready?



How soon?

To make it very, very beautiful
takes time.

Do you have anything
that's just... nice-looking?

I'm never gonna make it.

Hey, what are you doing?

Mosely, FBI.

So that's what
an FBI badge looks like.

I really have to be somewhere.

You should've thought of that

before you got your panties
caught in the ringer.

That was you who called us
yesterday, wasn't it?

Huh? Wh...?

You gonna try to tell me
this isn't the phone you used

to call in that tip
about Kingpin?

Uh...

Here's the guy you know.

How long have you been
in cahoots with Spider-Man?

Cahoots? I don't think
I'm in that with anybody.

Oh, I think you are.
Spider-Man steals a TX-1.

You call up with this
Kingpin shaggy-dog story

to send us sniffing
the wrong mutt.

I'm only going to ask you once.
Where do we find Spider-Man?

Spider-Man and I don't exactly
see eye to eye.

If the TX-1 goes online,

besides the ungodly sums
that will be stolen,

it'll cost the world billions

to re-encrypt
all those transmissions.

If that happens, you'd better
pray I find Spider-Man,

because if I don't,
I'm coming after you,

and I'll be treating you
as if you and Spider-Man

were one and the same.

Can I have my things back?

What are you dabbling in next,

bioterrorism?

I am so, so sorry.

Not a problem.

I honestly and truly was
steps away from the theater

when this SUV pulled up
out of nowhere

and these two men in black
yanked me inside.

Did they have a talking pug?

I don't think they had animals.

Turns out they were FBI.

Next thing I know, I'm on
the extremely wrong side

of the
George Washington Bridge.

If you didn't want to come,
just say so.

I did want to come.

Fine, you wanted to come.

Do you at least have
that bio videotape for me?

Yeah... about that tape...

Tonight's the last night.

Why am I telling you?

It's not like
you'll be able to make it.

The CIA might need you for some
super-special covert mission.

FBI.
Way to play hard to get, Romeo.

Hello?

What are you,
some kind of wise guy,

giving us that useless
videotape?

Just so you know,

this country's worst nightmare
is about to come true.

We intercepted a foreign
communiqué an hour ago

confirming that
a satellite uplink

will be established today.

Even if he found out where,

he'll never get past
the mini-chopper.

Uplink, right.

I just remembered something
that might help.

Well, call me Dumbo,
because I'm all ears.

My contact at Empire One

heard that whoever really took
the TX-1

is using the same mini-chopper
that buzzed midtown last week.

That's going to establish
their satellite uplink.

Dude, secret
cell-phone calls,

making up stories,

late to class...

Do we need to stage
an intervention?

No. No. That was the FBI.

You've still got some influence
at Oscorp, right?

If you consider owning
a controlling percentage

of the company stock influence,

then I'd say yes.

Then I'd say I need a favor.

What's the holdup? Banks in
Cairo will be opening soon.

Just be a second.

You can start

by sparking up that
mobile activation system.

Not so fast, tubby.

Not hard to track that flying
Cuisinart of yours, Kingpin.

Good to go.

So long, went the spider.

FBI. Hold it right there.

That tip from our contact
at Oscorp was right.

"Follow the chopper."

Follow this, you half-wits.

No!

This is where you get off.

I think this is where
we both get off.

Liposuction.

Aah!

No!

Aah!

Too bad we lost Spider-Man,
but this...

Yeah, okay.

Uhh! Uhh!

M.J.

Oh, my God. Peter.
You made it.

The covert mission ended early.

You were really terrific.

Really? I thought
that I totally screwed up

that college dorm scene.

You'd never know.

I didn't think you'd show.

I mean, it meant so much to me,

and then I thought,
why was I obsessing

over whether or not you saw me?

You were terrific. You should be
really proud of yourself.

You blew away
those Letterman people.

Thanks.

M.J., come on.

Oh, yeah, this is for you.

It's beautiful.