01x07 - Head Over Heels

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Spidey's
cardio workout.

What the...?

Excuse me.

Good morning.

This is your 9:00 A.M.
wake-up call,

courtesy of 1-555-
have-a-nice-day.

Ugh! Already?

Guess we'll have to finish
our workout some other time.

Okay, class,

pair up with your partners
and go do your experiments.

50% of your term

rests on this experiment.

In other words,
do not screw up.

Well, what'd I miss?

Just, like, the entire
assignment.

"Experiment of your choice

illustrating the relationship
between thought and behavior."

We're supposed to partner up.

Oh. Then, uh,
want to be partners?

Sorry. I'm taken.

Coolest partner in the class,
if I must say.

Good morning, Mr. Dillon.

Pretty cool, huh?

You know what that is?

Your new lab partner.

You're about to enter
the Christina zone.

Ooh!

Heh!

I'm really easy to get
along with. Truth is,

I have an almost
preternatural ability

to communicate with others.

"Preternatural"?

Mm-hmm.
Practically supernatural.

You know, psychokinesis,
E.S.P., Jedi mind stuff.

You believe in all that,
don't you?

Actually, no.

How about cryptozoology?

You have to believe in that,
'cause, hello! Human spider!

Out there saving people.
Pretty awes!

Yeah. Spider-Man's cool.

Cool, mysterious,
big-hearted.

And those spider eyes.

Oh, I get butterflies
just looking!

Mm! Yep.

Me and the Spidey-dude
are soul mates.

Soul mates. Um, so,

shouldn't we talk
about our experiment?

Like I told you, this is
where my new invention is.

I know, solitary trade,
inventing.

You wouldn't associate it
with someone so verbal like me.

It's a gift, really.

Listen, I'm not sure
that's gonna...

Not this! Thought I was creating
a super glue g*n,

acid polymers.

Pretty much melted

half my high-school
science class.

Ta-da!

Here it is.

My E.S.P. crown.

I don't...

And now I am going
to read your mind.

Okay.

First, let's set the mood.

Peter Parker, yes.

Let's see. Let's see.
Let's see. Uh-huh.

You like to study.
You live off-campus.

Ruh-roh!
You have serious,

major, mega girl problems.

With a redhead.

Yes?
See, I told you!

Let's crank it up!

Aah!

Christina!

Aah!

Oh!

Christina, where are you?

Where are you?

Whoa! You all right?

I need to be alone now.

What? Are you...?
I mean...

Sorry, Peter. We'll have to
experiment some other time.

Where are you?

Christina, where are you?

I'm here! Where are you?
Who are you?

On your desk.

Getting warmer!

I've been calling and calling.

If you don't listen, how are we
ever going to be together?

Now, then...

Are you ready to do
everything I say?

So how was Psych?

M.J., it was a nightmare.

I got the lab partner
from Sunnydale.

Want to grab lunch?

Got a serious
pastrami jones working.

Okay, I know that look.

Extra lean on sourdough,
hold the mustard.

And here I thought you weren't
paying attention.

No, I pay plenty of attention.

You do?

You know what our problem is?

We don't ever share
our thoughts, our feelings.

That's your hunger talking.

Peter, I don't think
you get it.

We've been friends
for, like, ever, right?

And we know a lot of details
about each other,

but, see, if we're going to make
the shift, you know...

It has to be more than knowing
my favorite sandwich.

It should be like... like...

Like E.S.P.?

Like communicating.

Oh, okay.
I can do that.

Can you? You're always
running off somewhere,

but I realized I have no idea

what you do or where you go.

I mean, who are you, really?

Right now? A guy who wants
to take you to lunch.

This is what we're gonna do.

Every day, starting tomorrow,

we write a note to each other
divulging a personal tidbit.

A tidbit?

Uh-huh.

Something small, but deep.

A secret.

I'm determined, Peter.

I will get to know
the real you.

I'll do anything for us
to be together, Spider-Man.

Anything!

Well, you're gonna
have to find me, aren't you?

The real me.

Sure! But how?

I mean, it's not like
you're in the phone book.

Think, Christina!
Think!

How do you lure
the amazing Spider-Man to you?

Hmm.

What do heroes do?

They, uh...
They save people?

She shoots, she scores!

Go catch yourself a spider.

So there you go.
I need a tidbit.

A tidbit?

I know!
That was my reaction.

So then she explained.

She wants something
deeply personal

and soul-baring.

Help me,
Harry-wan Kenobi.

You're my only hope.

Well, I got only
one piece of advice:

Get out. Get out
while you still can!

Come on.
I'm serious.

It's a tough one, buddy.

We're guys.

We don't do
soul-searching.

I have to think
of something to write.

Okay, dude.

You like M.J.

You want her to be
your girlfriend?

Well, there's only one thing

she wants you to write on that
piece of paper:

How you really feel about her.

I feel...

good about her,

really good.

Yeah.
That's pure poetry.

Suck it up, man.

Put pen to paper
and take the plunge.

Okay, Spider-Man.

Time to play hero.

Aah!

Aaahh!

Good thing I was
in the neighborhood.

I knew it.
I knew you'd come.

Oh, Spidey,
this just proves it.

What?

What does this prove?

I knew if I jumped,
you'd save me.

And once you were here,
you'd realize that we're...

That we're...
We're what?

What do you think?
We're like soul mates?

Oh, my God!

You knew exactly
what I was thinking.

This just proves it!
We are soul mates! Oh!

We are!

No, we are not!

I don't even know you.

Now, don't put yourself
or others in danger...

Ever again.

I am trying to be
a good girlfriend.

I was only doing what you said.

I thought it would
make you happy.

Well, next time,
be more careful.

I don't have time to go around
saving careless girls.

Oh, Spidey,
I'm so sorry I blew it.

Please, tell me,

how else can I find you?

Figure... it... out.

Aah!

"M.J., a personal tidbit
about me that nobody knows

"is when I was little,

I used to get a rash
every time I took a bath."

Must go deeper.

"M.J., what you don't
know is...

"I'm not nearly as smart
as everyone thinks.

I had to take my
driver's license test twice."

"M.J., deep down inside me,

"I'm afraid there's
a big, boring nothing.

I don't know what else
I can tell you..."

Except for the coolest
secret stuff about me,

which I can never
share with you...

Like this.

This... this.

... And thanks to
Empire State U's own Peter Parker

for that exclusive
Spider-Man footage.

Peter Parker...

He always seems to know
where to find Spider-Man.

Okay, uh, I'll have
an iced vanilla latte.

With non-dairy whipped cream.

That Muang.



and he remembers that
I'm lactose intolerant.

Peter Parker! Where?

Muang, when did you
see Peter last?

Parker, Parker...

I don't know,

But his roomie Harry Osborn

just bought two half-caf
grande macchiatos

and went... that way.

Peter.
I'm so glad you're here.

This is so exciting.

Here. Here's mine.

Where's yours?

Well, I, uh, M.J...

Now, come on.

I won't accept any excuse.
Cough it up.

It might not be
what you're hoping.

Relax. It'll be great.

Mine first, okay?

"When I was little

"and my parents were fighting,

"I would hide in my closet

"and pretend I was
a stowaway on a ship.

"It was grimy and cold there,

"but I was happy,

"because I wasn't
stuck in the house.

Nobody fought."

Wow.

Say no more.

I'll read yours.

No, don't. Don't.

I couldn't believe
what he wrote.

Go ahead. Read it.

"To M.J.,

"I confess that no one
else in the world knows...

I'm allergic to grouper."

The fish?

I was deeply, nakedly
honest with him,

and he offered up...
grouper.

Well, what'd you say?

"Thank you, Peter Parker,"

"for wading toe-deep
into our relationship."

"You obviously have
no conception"

of what really matters in life,

"and so will die a sad, pathetic,
lonely old man."

Youch! You said that?

Maybe not with words,

but my body language
made it pretty clear.

So now what?

I don't know.

It's all so very messed up.

Well, long as you don't
flip-flop

back to Spider-Man.

Spider-Man?

Don't worry.
I know how much you hate him.

Besides, I am so over that.

Yeah? Well, I'll bet
he's not over you.

In fact, I bet

that sleaze-bucket still
has the hots for you.

Harry, stop it.

See? Now I have
to help Peter,

or it'll be you
and Spider-Man all over again.

M.J.?!

You're in love with
Mary Jane Watson?

Hmm, possibly.

But you can't be!
You can't be!

The heart feels what it feels.

The heart can change
with enough determination.

I know it can!

So...

you'd do whatever it takes?

Anything.

Well, if that's the case,

all you really need to do
to win Spider-Man's heart...

Yeah?

Is remove the obstacle
between you.

Remove? You mean M.J.

As in...

That's right. Eliminate.

Okay, okay,
here's the money shot.

Look, Spider-Man focuses,

and, boom,

catches the car with webbing
from only one hand.

Come on. That didn't
look so hard.

If I could sh**t
sticky goop from my wrist,

I wouldn't have to focus on it.

He's a guy.

I bet he's thinking
about girls.

He is not!

I... I mean,

he seems a little
too busy for that.

Ah, maybe you're right.

Ooh, come to think of it,
what's up with that mask?

He probably looks like goat-boy
under that thing.

Yeah.

Anyone else seen this?

Um, no.
You're the first.

Exactly.

You keep supplying me
with footage,

people will take notice,

and then you'll become famous.

You think?

I know.

And I will make reporter

and get my own
morning talk show.

Actually,

I'd never really considered
being famous.

I just like taking pictures.

Humility.
A charming quality.

Aw, I...

Lose it.

What do you want?

Spider-Man, here

to profess his true and undying
affection for me,

then he and I will be together
forever.

You're insane!
Insanely jealous.

Look. There's nothing going on
between me and Spider-Man.

You lie.

I don't like liars.

Oh, no.

We're early for a wedding.

Won't the lovebirds be surprised
to see an uninvited guest

splayed on the buffet
with acid holes

where her vital organs
should be.

What can you possibly
hope to accomplish?

I will prove
that Spider-Man loves me,

even if it's buried deep
in his subconscious.

You see, everyone,
even Spider-Man, needs help

to eat through facades
and expose true feelings.

But what if...
what if it's not you?

Then you'd better hope
it's not you.

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Hey! Know what
I'm feeling right now?

Yeah?

Your invention sucks!

Christina, I think this crown

did something to your mind
to make you act like this.

No.

I've always known
you were my soul mate.

I just needed you
to realize it too.

Oh...

Put the wires on.

It doesn't work.

Put the wires on!

Do it now!

Okay, then, read my mind.

Tell me what I really feel.

Wait!
How do you know

you're not just projecting
your own feelings onto him?

How many times

has this crown thing
been absolutely correct?

She has a point.

So I'll have to ask a question

I know I can prove
right or wrong.

Who are you under that mask?

Oh, my God!
I know who Spider-Man is!

I had no idea
you were so average

and unexciting.

I mean,

no offense.

Ngghh!

Oh!

Mary Jane!

Aah!

Whoa!

Spider-Man! Help!

Christina!

M.J., Spider-Man is mine!

Aah!

He loves me.

He just doesn't know
how to show it.

But now we can
finally be together

since I know
his biggest secret.

Yeah, what's that?

Under that Spider-Man mask,

he really is... is...

Muang, the Drip Den guy.

Got us a head injury here!


Let's move!

Plus, he's my soul mate.

You're not really
Muang the Drip Den guy,

are you?

I have enough trouble
boiling water.

Do you want to tell me
who you really are?

I mean, if you want.

I...can't.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I mean, at least I know
which secret you're keeping.

Uh, yeah.

Something else I can get you?

Mmm, guess not.
Thank you, Muang.

Uh, what was that all about?

Nothing.

Sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

That Christina chick, though,

she totally exceeded
"not okay."

"Spider-Man and I
blah, blah,

connection, blah, blah,
soul mate."

Talk about
a crazy, psycho stalker.

I mean, on and on and...

Oh... my... God!

I'm your Christina.

It's true, isn't it?

I'm a crazy, psycho stalker.

That might be a little harsh.

Oh, Peter,

I'm sorry for forcing
that game on you.

You didn't force anything.

It's just that
there are some things

I'm not ready to share.

Not just with you, with anyone.

I hope one day
you'll let me in.

Until then, can we
still be... friends?

Only if you
promise to forget...

what I said about grouper.

Friends.
Good ones.

Always.