02x06 - Iron Man, On the Inside

[bunniefuu]

TONY: [YAWNS]
It just doesn't track, HOMER.

The readout says to raise
the energy level by 100 angstroms.

HOMER: I believe the data actually
reads ten angstroms, not 100.

[GROANS] You sure?

With all due respect, sir,

I think you require a little
regenerative human activity.

Huh?

You could use some sleep.

JULIA: But you've blown
your window of opportunity

for a snooze, big-time sleepy,

since we're winging it to the Detroit
Computer Conference in half an hour.

[GROANS] I wish you would've
reminded me sooner.

Look, Tony, I'm not your mother,
I'm your COO.

Our relationship is strictly professional,

just the way you like it.

- Hey, look, all I said was...
-And that's fine, believe me.

Getting married to each other
would've been the biggest mistake

either one of us ever made.

Speaking of which,
what is this thingamajig, anyhow?

TONY: It's a Molecular Expander.

Within two years,
we'll have full capability

to produce bigger, healthier,
and more reliable sources of food.

Watch.

And marvel at my genius.

[CHUCKLES] Hawkeye,
you're an ugly sight for sore...

You can tell pretty boy Tony I've come
to clean out my locker. Period.

Why don't you
give Tony a break, Clint?

Not a day goes by that he doesn't
regret the loss of your friendship.

Listen, Ms. Executive,

it's Stark's fault
that Force Works broke up.

He lied to us, played us for chumps.

- And you never said one word, did you?
-TONY: Hey, Hawkeye.

Hating me's one thing,

-but Julia never did...
-JULIA: All right.

Down, boys.

Don't make me turn the water hose
on you two.

See you later, Clint.

Make sure you turn in your padlock
on your way out.

JULIA: Forget about Clint.

Just sit back, have some peanuts,
and enjoy the flight.

[LAUGHS] With you as pilot?

Hey, I'm just glad I'll be flying
on an empty stomach.

- Tony?
-Ultimo.

I thought I'd pulled the plug
on that son of a...

[ROARS]

JULIA: No room to abort!

Remind me to refresh you in
the basics of aeronautics, Julia.

[JULIA GRUNTING]

TONY: All things considered,
I'd rather be in Detroit.

I...

lam...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

[ROARING]

[GRUNTS]

This isn't another one of your jealous
ex-boyfriends, is it, Julia?

No, too good-looking.
I'm going to try Propulsion Mode.

Me, I'm gonna slip into
something less comfortable.

[BEEPING]

Tony, I got a little problem here.

IRON MAN: [GRUNTS]
Yeah, I know the feeling.

Well, looks like our cut-rate Cupid
made the soiree.

HAWKEYE: Just because I don't work
for Stark anymore,

doesn't mean I'm cashing in
my superhero retirement plan.

- IRON MAN: Julia, pull up!
-I can't, I've lost the rudder hydraulics.

IRON MAN: Then bail out,
I've got you covered.

[JULIA SCREAMS]

Whoever said that Iron Man
doesn't know how to pick up girls?

Hawkeye! Heads up!

[WEAKLY] Did we get him?

IRON MAN: Yeah, buddy.
We got him good.

THE HACKER: Get up, you big clod.

We've got more work to do.
Re-route auxiliary power.

That's it.
All right, we'll deal with Iron Man later.

First, let's bring Stark Enterprises
to its arrogant knees, shall we?

Mr. Hawkeye has suffered
extreme neurological damage

to the lumbar region of his spine.

There is a 99% chance
of total paralysis,

and a 73% chance of death.

TONY:
A friend would never let this happen.

JULIA: Tony,
not everything is your fault.

All this science and technology
at my command.

What good is it
when I can't even save Hawkeye from...

HOMER, Stark Enterprises in Europe
has just developed a neuro-chip.

Indeed. It has been 97% effective

in returning motor activity
to victims of severe spinal trauma.

You're gonna be okay, buddy.

I'm afraid there is a problem.

Though the neuro-chip would
theoretically cure Mr. Hawkeye's injury,

there is no known medical technique

for reaching the area of the spine
that was affected.

Any surgical attempt to operate

would almost certainly result
in immediate death.

[TONY SIGHS]

Who says we have to operate?

What if Iron Man
could implant the chip?

This does not compute.
In order to accomplish that,

you would have to be
the size of an atom.

That's it, Ultimo. Ultimo my friend.

Somewhere in that c*ck is a terminal

for that annoying computer, HOMER.

Bingo! I'm in! Complete access
to all of Stark's supercomputers!

IRON MAN: HOMER, re-program the
Molecular Expander for reverse polarity.

This is crazy.

You said yourself the device is
two years away from being perfected.

As an enlarger.
As a reducer, it might work perfectly.

Or it might k*ll you.

Yeah, well, that's why they pay you the
big bucks and give me all the bonuses.

Look, Julia,
whatever my chances may be,

they're a heck of a lot better
than Clint's are if I do nothing.

[HOMER STUTTERING]

Sir, I thought you'd like to know...

Know... Where was I?

Yes, even if all goes well
with the reduction,

you'll still need to be
out of Mr. Hawkeye's body

within 118 minutes.

IRON MAN:
And what if I'm not?

- Do I get a ticket for loitering?
-No.

But successful cell re-enlargement
will be severely impeded,

and you will come back crushed.

IRON MAN: Then it's lucky for me

I've got the best inner body
tour guide in town.

Right, HOMER? HOMER?

Now where'd he modem off to?

JULIA: Forget HOMER,
he's just talking gibberish.

Just hurry!

So, the big, strong Iron Man

is going inside of that
meddling, loudmouth Hawkeye, huh?

[LAUGHS] Perfect.

HOMER:
Reduction sequence commencing.

You did it! You've been reduced
to the size of a molecule.

IRON MAN: Well, you always said
I was too big for my britches.

Now for the saline with the neuro-chip.

Activate Hydro Armor.

[STUTTERING] So far, so...

Yes, so good.
Ready for intravenous injection.

IRON MAN:
I've entered the bloodstream. Whoa!

What's happening? Are you okay?

IRON MAN: Blood current's so strong,

but can't risk firing thrusters
inside of Clint.

Whoa!

[HEART BEATING LOUDLY]

JULIA ON RADIO:
You're inside Clint's heart chamber.

I've been to quieter rock concerts.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

You've jammed one of his valves!
You're giving Hawkeye a heart attack!

[GRUNTING] Yeah,
and it's me the heart's attacking.

I've got to get Clint's heart valve
to fibrillate, or we're both goners.

That thing they do
in emergency rooms, with the paddles?

Of course.
A magnetic electrical charge.

Activate Magnetic Armor!

Hawkeye's back!

HOMER: Surf that Internet!

[HOMER WHOOPING]

I'm okay. Fortunately, whatever
crawled up HOMER's circuits

hasn't affected my
inner guidance system yet.

JULIA:
You're heading into Hawkeye's liver.

His liver? I hate liver.

Hmm.

If I remember my Biology 101
with Sister Helen Marie,

one of the liver's functions is to
absorb iron into the bloodstream.

Oh. Great.

Perfect time to find out
that Hawkeye has iron-poor blood.

I can smell my armor being dissolved.

HOMER, book me on the next artery
out of here.

HOMER: Out? Spout? Doubt?

[HOMER LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]

I ask for help, and I get bad poetry.

Switching to Lava Armor.

This armor can survive
an erupting volcano,

so it ought to be able to
hold off a piece of liver for awhile.

[GRUNTING]

Made it. Thanks for nothing, HOMER.

HOMER: You're welcome.
Enjoy your flight.

Fresh towel?

What in the name of binary functions
has gotten into you?

THE HACKER: [LAUGHS]
Funny you should ask.

You're all mine now, GOMER.

Shut down Stark Enterprises'
security systems.

No, I cannot do that. Can I?

Yes, no. That's against
GOMER's prime directive.

Shut it all down! Now!

To shut down or not to shut down?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Shutting it down, here we go.

THE HACKER: AH right, Ultimo.
Time for you to move in.

Julia, I'm cruising the carotid artery
towards Hawkeye's brain.

Hope I don't miss it.
How's he doing, anyway?

Holding stable. He's okay, for now.

But I think
a certain computer friend of ours

is a couple bits short of a megabyte.

[SINGING] My name is Tina,
I'm a ballerina

My name is Cyrus, I've got a...

A virus! That's it. HOMER's come down
with some kind of computer bug!

Hey, wait a minute,
the new Stark anti-virus program

we were going to demonstrate
in Detroit.

JULIA: I'm way ahead of you, Einstein.

Hang on, HOMER.

Doctor Julia's got just the cure
for what ails you.

HOMER: And another thing.

Peter Parker picked
a peck of pickled porpoises.

THE HACKER: That's the ticket, Ultimo.

[CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY]

The fun is just beginning.

I've loaded in the anti-virus program.
It should kick in any second.

HOMER: [STUTTERS] A pineapple
a day keeps the doctor away.

Starve a cold, feed a virus.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll believe it when l...
Wow! Who would have thunk it?

Hawkeye's brain
is pulsating with energy.

[SCREAMS IN PAIN]

[COMPUTER BEEPING RAPIDLY]

Man! Now what?

HOMER: Nothing minor, Julia.

Iron Man has to be out of Hawkeye
in 9.5 minutes.

What? You told him he had two hours!

Well, must've made a teensy error.

THE HACKER: Like a deer
caught in the hunter's headlights.

JULIA: Iron Man,
HOMER's calculations were off.

You have less than nine minutes!

Well, that certainly puts
an interesting spin on things.

But I'm too close to stop.

In fact, I've located the injury,

and I'm starting
the implantation process.

Looks like a good fit.

[EKG BEEPING RHYTHMICALLY]

[WHOOPS] Yes, it's working.
Iron Man, I love you.

[CHUCKLES] I'll bet you say that
to all the microbe-sized guys.

Nope. Only the ones that have...

[EKG BEEPING QUICKLY]

This can't be right.

No! According to this scanner...

I know, I've got company.

I don't know
how this party-crasher got in here,

but I've got to lead him away
from the injury site.

[JULIA SHRIEKS]

Whatever you're doing in there

is making Hawkeye
do the horizontal hula.

Tie him up like an old boyfriend
if you have to, but keep him still.

I'll try and stop Ultimo from firing.

[IRON MAN GRUNTS]

[HAVVKEYE G ROAN I NG]

Just a hunch, but I'm betting
whoever's tapped into Ultimo's controls

is the same one
who soft-boiled HOMER's hard drive.

HOMER: You are correct, sir!
I've been invaded by a guest host,

but not to worry, the anti-virus program
seems to be working,

and I'm attempting to abort
the interloping interface.

Ah. Success!

No! Nobody locks out
The Hacker! Nobody!

Too risky to use my repulsors.

Radiation Armor, now.

As my dentist always says,
"A little x-ray never hurt anyone."

[ULTIMO GROANING]

The mother lode.
Hawkeye's overstocked adrenal gland.

All right, Ultimo... Eat up!

[ULTIMO SCREAMING]

Are you okay in there?

I'm fine.

But bright eyes here could use
a good body and fender shop.

Miss Julia, now would be
an opportune time

to remind Mr. Tony
that he has only two minutes before...

Iron Man! You've got to...

I heard! Look, Julia, I don't have time
to make it back to the IV site.

- I'm heading for the lungs.
-But...

IRON MAN: I need you to hustle
to the lab kitchen and get some pepper.

- Pepper?
-Yes.

You know, it's a black powdery
condiment used on popcorn.

- Go get it!
Popcorn?

I guess Home Ec never was
Miss Carpenter's thing.

JULIA: Okay, I... I have the pepper.

- Popcorn?
-Thirty seconds remaining.

Okay, now shake some of the pepper
near Hawkeye's nostrils.

HOMER: I believe
you'll also need a lab dish.

This has enormous potential
to get messy.

[SNEEZES]

[JULIA EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]

Gross!

Well, well, you just never know
who'll come blowing into town.

HOMER, set the Molecular Expander
for re-enlargement.

HOMER: Already in process.

JULIA: Popcorn.

Tony! Tony! Sorry, I...

[CLEARS THROAT]
I got a little carried away.

- It won't happen again.
-[GROANS] See that it doesn't.

My knees are weak enough as it is.
Now if you'll give me a hand,

I want to go see
how our mouthy archer is doing.

JULIA: Tony?
TONY: Yeah?

JULIA: Popcorn?
TONY: Try it sometime.

[ULTIMO ROARS]

THE HACKER: [GROANS]
Blast them all to kingdom come, Ultimo!

TONY: I can't fight him,

not enough juice left in my circuits
to power a flashlight.

[ULTIMO GROWLS]

[ULTIMO ROARS]

[WEAKLY] All that racket
was interrupting my beauty rest.

That's a shame,
you need all you can get.

I'm pleased to report
I've run a systems check,

and have located
the source of our hacker.

I don't know about you, HOMER,

but I think a little payback
would taste real good.

Yes, indeed.

Nice going, Ultimo! Nice going.
Yeah, that's it.

Blast them! Yeah, smash them!
Kick their...

Well, I'll be.
He's just some snot-nosed kid!

Huh?

But the monitor?

IRON MAN: That's just a little
computer-generated misinformation,

compliments of your friend GOMER.

- This is serious stuff.
-Why'd you do it, kid?

Because I hate that
stinking Stark Enterprises!

Six times I applied for work
in their computer science division.

They sent me back these.

"Sorry, you're too young.
Please re-apply after college."

Nobody!

Nobody rejects The Hacker!

Guess I proved that. Huh?

[THE HACKER LAUGHING EVILLY]

IRON MAN: All you proved is that
you've got a lot of growing up to do.

Yeah, too bad you'll be doing
most of it in reform school.

[SIREN WAILS]

HAWKEYE:
Hard to believe all this happened

because of some kid's stupid grudge
against Stark Enterprises.

Yeah, grudges are funny things.

After a while,
they can eat you up inside.

- What say we bury the hatchet?
- I'll get back to you on that.

By the way, thanks.

Thanks for saving my life.

IRON MAN: Don't mention it, friend.

Next up for bid, a most unusual ring.
Origin unknown.

We'll start the bidding at $5,000.

-5,000.
-10,000.

[GASPS]

-15,000.
-20.



[ALL GASPING]

Anyone else? 40,000 once. Twice.

Sold to the man in the front row.

[CHUCKLING]
Lulubelle's sure gonna love this.

I believe you've just been outbid. Sold!

[THE MANDARIN LAUGHING EVILLY]

I...

lam...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

'