01x10 - Kraven's Amazing Hunt

[bunniefuu]

SPIDERMAN:
Welcome to Superhero 101,

where the street is your classroom,

and books are replaced
with on-the-job training.

[SCORPION GRUNTS]
[SPIDER-MAN YELLS THEN GROANS]

[YELLS]

[SPIDER-MAN GRUNTS]

That's good,
because I'm a hands-on kind of guy.

I'm terrible at quipping.

That quip would've worked
better if you actually used your hands.

Hands, see? Nailed it.

As if one Spider-Man in this town
wasn't annoying enough!

You know what they say,
two web heads are better than one.

[GRUNTS]

You know your jokes are horrible, right?

[GRUNTS]

Have you ever stopped
a bad guy with comedy?

Not yet, but there's
a first time for everything.

Like you, trying out
those new web shooters you built.

Great idea. Take this, Scorpion.

Okay. The shooters work great.
Your aim? Not so much.

I guess I got a few things to learn.

You probably did too when
you first started out, right?

You mean three months ago?
Yeah, I should think so.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

SPIDER-MAN:
I'm not exactly what you call a veteran.

Well, you're a great teacher.

And besides, I need a mentor
who can spin webs and stick to walls.

So, that kind of narrows
my options down to you.

I'm flattered?

Do you two ever stop talking?

[COMMUNICATOR BEEPS]

Copy that.
Moving into second position now.

Hey, where does he think he's going?

Something's not right here.

You getting
your spider tingle, jangle thing?

It's called "Spider-Sense."

And no, it's just more of a gut thing.

MILES:
Ugh. Spider gut?

Thankfully, I didn't get that power.

What I mean is,

Scorpion's more of a "gloat about
his evil plans" type of bad guy,

and he hasn't mentioned what he's up to.

SPIDER-MAN: We were in the middle
of a conversation, and you ran off.

-So rude.
-Joke all you want.

My job is done here.

MAN [ON JUMBO TRON]: Over the years,
I've roamed the jungles of the world,

stalking the most
dangerous creatures alive.

Huh? Oh, man!

Kraven's Amazing Hunt is on.
It's my favorite show.

MAN [ON JUMBO TRON]:
But today I've come to the asphalt jungle

to hunt something different.

Hey! That's us! We're on TV!

The most dangerous prey of all,

the menace known as Spider-Man.

You might wanna pick a new favorite show.

Any last words, Spider-Man?

Uh...

KRAVEN:
Eh? Two Spider-men?

-Thanks a lot.
-What? I'm not Spider-Man.

I'm a totally different guy.

Besides, these reality shows
are all fake anyway.

Move!

Fake, huh? You really gotta work
on that Spider-Sense of yours.

[COMMUNICATOR BEEPS]

[SCOFFS]
I told you not to call me when we're live.

Do you want both of them?

[CHUCKLES]

My pleasure.

SPIDER-MAN:
Tranquilizer darts?

So maybe he's not trying
to k*ll us on live television.

He takes his prey home and does it there.

But it's all just a show
for the cameras, right?

Something tells me this guy's
more about the reality

and less about the show.

Gwen, look!

Spidey's on Kraven's Amazing Hunt.

So is Miles!

What about Miles?

Uh, I was just saying,
this is Miles' favorite show.

Really?

I don't know if I approve
of these types of shows.

I think they just dull your senses.

Scorpion must've been a setup.

He was just bait.

Yep. And we took it hook,
line, and stinger.

We're still live on TV.

Then we better get out of here
and come up with a plan

to deal Mr. Reality a reality check.

Do not fear, good viewers.

Kraven the Hunter always gets his target.

I can leap with the agility of a jaguar,

swing with the ease of an orangutan...

[GRUNTS THEN SNIFFS]

and strategize with the cleverness
of a human.

To which terrain did the prey escape?

Uh, huh?

[SIGHS]

Which way did they go?

Oh, uh, they went that way.

Much thanks.

Let's head down 5th Avenue.

I find the wind current there
increases my swing speed.

[BEEPS]

MILES: I forgot.
Kraven studies his prey's patterns

and then sets traps
based on their behavior.

He totally knows
everything we're gonna do!

[BEEPING]

SPIDER-MAN:
Wait! What?

You're saying he's booby-trapped
all of New York City?

Yeah. Pretty cool, right?

Are you not the least bit concerned
that someone is hunting us?

Sure. But he has to catch us first.

Only a matter of time, young spider.

Preferably 22 minutes,
not counting commercials.

MILES:
One thing's for sure:

I am never wearing
my Kraven Fan Club shirt ever again!

Worth every penny.

-Adrian.
-What is it?

My latest plan to capture the spider-men.

Since my Slayer wasn't able to retrieve
either of these spider specimens,

I figured why not hire
the world's greatest hunter.

Only instead of taking them
back to his museum for mounting,

he'll deliver them to me
for experimentation.

And he agreed to this willingly?

Kraven may be a hunter,
but he's also a businessman,

and businessmen are always
looking for financial backing.

Something I was happy to contribute to.

KRAVEN:
Look at them,

the urban spider-humans
in their natural environment.

Amazing creatures.

But do not worry, loyal viewers.

My sonic blasts have taken down rhinos.

I don't think a couple of little spiders
will be a problem.

SPIDER-MAN: Well, the good news is,
this is some good hero practice for you.

Only you could find
the bright side of this.

Huh?

I feel my Spider-Sense,

but can't tell what direction
it's coming from.

[BEEPS]

Watch out!

[ELECTRICITY ARCING]

[CRYING OUT]

Miles!

KRAVEN: Go on.
Save your sidekick, Spider-Man.

I've already witnessed
your analytical mind in action.

Show me how compassionate
you are to the cluster.

A "cluster" is a group of spiders.

Something you learn
when you're craving knowledge.

Brought to you by the good people
at Public Media.

MILES:
Did he just call me a sidekick?

Hey, you say that again,

and I'll blast that mustache
into sideburns!

I don't know if this'll work,

but time to try
an electro-blast on this thing.

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

Way to go! Miles?

[BOTH GRUNT]

-That was amazing!
-I know.

I thought a group of spiders
was called a "clutter."

No. I mean, what you did was amazing.

Plus you might've just figured
a way to beat Kraven.

I did?

Yes. He's studied my patterns,

but you're so new
to this whole superhero thing,

you don't even have patterns yet.

So me being inexperienced is a good thing?

Right now it is.

So we both need to be unpredictable
if we're going to beat Kraven.

-Where's someplace we never go?
-A comedy club.

I was thinking the sewer.

The sewer? Ugh!

Unless that's the name of the comedy club.

Follow me!

Nope. Nothing funny about being down here.

There's no way Kraven
set any traps below ground,

because I never use the sewers.

MILES:
Brilliant.

Unless...

SPIDERMAN:
Unless what?

On the show, Kraven also tries to predict
what backup plan his target might use.

Like, say, going underground?

[KRAVEN LAUGHING]

Spidey-Senses kicked in!

But it's coming from all directions.

Because the danger is too!

[LAUGHING]

The hunt is over!

I have won.

But we expected that, didn't we?

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[CRIES OUT]

KRAVEN:
No use in struggling, young spider.

That cage is made from
electrified titanium alloy

three times stronger than steel.

And made by Cages, Incorporated.

Available at select hunting outlets.

And now, the branding iron.

Uh-oh. The branding ceremony.

It's the ultimate humiliation
before being shipped to his museum.

Your knowledge of this show
is getting annoying.

-Sorry.
-I have defeated many jungle animals,

but today I am victor
over a new breed of creature

the human spider.

Let all who look upon them see
that they were brought down by Kraven!

SPIDER-MAN:
Hero lesson!

If your supervillain
turns his back to blab,

disengage his cage.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Nobody escapes Kraven!

[KRAVEN GRUNTING]

-Oh, nice shot!
-I'm a quick study.

Then here's a lesson in web crafting.

MILES:
With a little branding of our own.

[GRUNTS]

Aw, what's the matter, Kravey buddy?

This episode not sticking to the script?

-Ciao.
-Turn those cameras off! Now!

NORMAN:
What is that idiot doing?

This was not part of our deal.

I think The Kraven Show just got canceled.

That's okay. Cooking with Carol
is my second favorite show.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Uh-oh.

[KRAVEN YELLS]

You expect to humiliate me
and get away with it?

For centuries, my family has been
the deadliest of hunters.

But now my rage extends far beyond that,

and so you will suffer
a slow and painful destruction

unsuitable for...

[ANNOYED GRUNTS]

television!

MILES: Whoa! I've never seen
these darts before,

and I've watched
all the DVD bonus materials.

[DARTS BEEPING]

These are heat-seeking darts.

[GRUNTS]

Phew!

Thank goodness for truth in advertising.

Head for a heat source!

"Ice cream, Cold Cuts, Freezing."

Oh, come on!

[GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

No!

[KRAVEN YELLS]

Snug as a bug in a Moroccan wool rug.

But let us make it
even more tighter, shall we?

That was a venomous fear dart
that hit your friend,

extracted from the African cobra.

It will not only frighten him

but, if not treated, scare him to death.

[IN DISTORTED VOICE]
The more you struggle, young spider,

the faster the venom
seeps into your bloodstream.

No! Get away!

Get away!

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Huh? Where did he go?

Where did he go?

Not gonna find out stuck
behind a boomerang.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Miles! Where are you?

He couldn't just disappear like that.

Maybe thermal vision will help.

There!

[SHUDDERING BREATHS]

He must have some sort of camouflage power
we didn't know about.

I got you.

Miles, calm down.

[MILES GRUNTS THEN PANTS]

SPIDER-MAN [IN DISTORTED VOICE]:
Calm down.

MILES:
You're a spider.

Terrifying spider...

No, I'm not a spider, Miles.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm-- I'm your friend. I'm Peter.

Peter?

Is...

-Is that really you?
-Yeah. It's me, Miles.

-I'm Spider-Man.
-No.

It can't be. I'm freaking out.

I know. It's a lot.
And that venom isn't helping.

But just try to calm down

so it doesn't spread through
your bloodstream so fast.

Okay. Deep breaths. Calming down.

Wow. It made me see things, Peter.

Yes. But you know what else it did?

It unleashed a power
you didn't even know you had.

Cloaking? I mean, come on.

First the electric sting,
now invisibility?

Man, I wish I was bitten by your spider.

What are we gonna do about Kraven?

We are not going to do anything.

You are getting dropped off at a hospital
while I go after him.

I have to go with you.

He's not going to quit
until he destroys you.

He could be anywhere.

SPIDER-MAN: Or I'm guessing
he's at the Central Park Zoo!

[SCREAMS]

-Then let's go!
-Miles, you have to rest.

Part of being a hero is knowing
when to fight and when to heal.

There will be times when
you get to work as a team,

but there are other times

when you have to finish on your own.

[LION GROWLING]
[WOMAN WHIMPERING]

Sorry! Lunchtime's over!

[ROARS]

What's that?

I don't speak lion.

[WHIMPERING]

Uh, you're welcome.

I don't know what I like better,
Spider-Man

that you took the bait,

or that you have become the bait.

Feeding time, my kitties!

You couldn't have made
an army of penguins, huh?

-Attack!
-Here, have a seat.

[GROWLING]

This is seriously
the worst petting zoo of all time!

[GROWLING CONTINUES]

This is for your own good!

Trust me. I'm not lying.

Get it? "Lying"? Ah, you don't care.

Good kitty. Nice kitty.

Uh-oh. Well, I always wanted to be
an amateur lion tamer.

Yah!

Wait. Don't all cats love ba*ls of yarn?
Or webs?

I hope. What are you growling at me for?

I'm an animal lover.

[PURRING]

Kraven's the hunter.
Why don't you growl at him?

Because they recognize
the true king of the jungle.

Well, that's where spiders
and lions differ.

Actually, there are a lot of differences.
But you get my point.

As will you.

[YELLS]

[SONIC SCREAM BLARING]

[GRUNTING]

-Norman Osborn? You saved me?
-"Saved" isn't exactly the word I'd use.

[SCREAMING]

[BODY THUDS]

That was shocking.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Struggle all you want, my spider friend.

Those electromagnetic restraints
can hold both man and beast.

We had a deal, Kraven.

I bankroll your little TV broadcast
in exchange for the spider-men.

But you veered from the plan.

And nobody disobeys Norman Osborn.

My honor is more important
than your money, Osborn.

And that spider disgraced me!

Well, lucky for you,

Spider-Man is not going
to enjoy the next few moments.

[SIGHS]

It didn't have to be
like this, Spider-Man.

I asked you to be my friend,
but you refused.

So now I have to do things the hard way.

You are quite an interesting specimen.

At first, I thought you were an anomaly.
A freak, in fact.

But then came a second spider-man,
and my concerns were confirmed.

A spider army is on its way, isn't it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, sure, you don't.

But fortunately,
I don't need you to understand.

I just need you to be dissected.

Don't! Don't do it!

I'm afraid!

-Huh?
-What?

You don't understand
what happens when I'm afraid.

Sometimes I just want to disappear,
where no one can see me!

Oh, I get it, I get it.

Ugh! Your cowardice disgusts me.

I'm surprised, Spider-Man.

If your blood runs yellow,
maybe I don't want it after all.

Mmm, actually, I do.

[NORMAN GRUNTS]

MILES:
Oh, yeah!

Practice makes awesome.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Whoever you are, be careful.

Don't make the same mistake
Spider-Man did.

Join me, and I promise
you won't regret it.

[GRUNTS]

-No, thanks.
-Ah? Ah?

[SONIC SCREAM BLARING]

[GRUNTING]

[BODY THUDS]

Those are quite the moves.

I can't tell if you're a vulture
or a funky chicken.

[STRAINING]

How about you jolt first and joke second?

Patience, Teach.

I just wanted to show you
what I could do on my own.

I'm incredibly proud.

[SONIC SCREAM BLARING]

And just a wee bit jealous.

You fool!

You've ruptured the hydromatic condenser!

Get me out of here
before this place blows apart.

-I think we should follow their lead.
-Hold on.

What are you doing?
He tried to k*ll us, remember?

Another hero rule to learn:

just because the bad guys
try to wipe us out

doesn't mean we do the same.

Leave me to perish!

I have failed and deserve to die.

Get over it, Kraven.

You've spent so much time with animals
you've forgotten that part of being human

is picking yourself up when you fail.

That's reality.

Too bad your viewers
can't see you do that.

And for the record,
I'm deleting your show from my DVR.

We should get out of here.

Where'd he go?

MILES:
There!

-Should we follow him?
-No.

Nobody was hurt this time.

But if he crosses the line again,
we know where to find him.

Yeah. Thursday nights
on the Mustache Channel.

[GRUNTS]

So, that was a pretty terrifying
training session, huh?

Are you kidding me?

I wasn't scared. It was just an act.

Really?

So that camouflage
just randomly kicked in on its own, huh?

-You know it.
-Oh, no! Kraven's back!

[SCREAMS]

I thought so.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. I guess it was a little scary.

Which goes to show you,

sometimes even your fear
can be a strength.

I guess you're right. And, hey, listen.

I wanna thank you for showing me the ropes
and the webs.

You're a good teacher and a great friend.

Thanks for trusting me with your secret.

Thanks for trusting me with yours.

Although remember, at school,
nobody can know I'm Spider-Man.

As far as you know,

Peter Parker is just the incredibly
handsome, brilliant kid down the hall.

So, you want me to lie.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

PETER:
No, seriously.