Private Eye, The (2024)

[bunniefuu]

(mellow music)

(light music)

(music continues)

(music continues)

(music continues)

(traffic whizzing)

(music fades)

- [Automated Voice] Please

leave a message after-

(receiver slams)

(Mort sighs)

- Where the hell is he?

(Mort sighs)

(light intriguing music)

(Bradley's throat clears)

You do know styrofoam is

not biodegradable, right?

- A simple thank you

would suffice (chuckles).

- Have you seen Henry?

I swear to you, this man

is on his last chance.

If he misses this armored truck,

he's hittin' the bricks.

I don't care.

- Maybe he's just runnin' behind.

- Hm mm.

Somethin's fishy about this.

I don't like it.

Maybe we should go look for him.

- (smirks) Who's gonna watch

the store, old timer, huh?

- Okay, all right.

Okay, you go look for him.

And if someone tries to rob

him, you'll get the jump on 'em.

- Not a problem.

I'll go do that, yeah.

- Yeah.

Hey, I appreciate the extra

set of eyes around here.

I really do.

Especially with some nut job

robbin' all these movie stores.

- It's my pleasure, okay?

I patrolled these parts

for quite some time.

I know 'em like the back

of my hand (chuckles).

- Good man.

- Hey, is everything okay?

- Yeah.

(sighs) I'm just gonna miss walking

down these movie aisles, you know?

This business is dyin'.

- Ah, come on.

Place like this?

I mean, they'll always be around.

- I don't know.

You heard of this new Netflix thing?

- Yeah.

- Can't be good for business.

- [Bradley] Yeah, but look,

people like rituals, you know?

They love comin' into the

store, touchin' things,

havin' an experience, you know?

- [Mort] I hear you. Look, if

I could stay at home and watch

my favorite series from start to finish,

wearin' nothin' but a smile on my couch,

can't say I wouldn't.

- [Bradley] I guess.

(shop bell chimes)

Oh, take that.

- Shh.

Oh, looky here.

- (exhales) I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.

It won't happen again.

- [Mort] If it does happen again,

you're hittin' the

bricks, you understand me?

- Yeah, sure.

(water dripping)

(Mort groans)

(anticipatory music playing)

(can pops)

(Mort gulping)

(dripping continues)

(Mort groans)

(can crunching)

(can clattering)

(music continues)

(dripping continues)

(Mort sighing)

(lighter flicking)

(Mort exhales)

(light music)

- Hello, my name is Jedediah,

and I come to you today

because of my wife.

Breaks my heart tell you

that my wife ran away with another man.

Now, before we get into details,

let me tell you the backstory.

My wife Merlin always wanted to be famous.

She had the jewels, the

clothes, the walk, the talk.

She had the star mentality down to the T.

Merlin would practically do anything

to be in the limelight.

(Mort groans)

And I mean anything.

Because of that (indistinct),

it's the reason why I'm standin'

here in front of you today.

I wanted to know if you'll take her out.

And I'm not talkin' about a date.

So, you're a detective, but

that could be the perfect alibi.

I hired you to spy on her,

and you are the person who finds her dead,

m*rder*d at the scene of the crime.

(lid clattering)

It's a win win.

You get to discover a m*rder,

make it on the front page of the paper,

and I get rid of my problem.

- [Mort] The life of a

private eye is tedious,

time consuming,

and under payed.

(urine splashing)

And that's during the best of times.

The rest of times it looks like this.

(splashing stops)

(Mort sighs)

(bottle thuds)

It's best to work outta your own home

to make yourself less conspicuous.

And sometimes there's no other choice.

Pursuing your passion

is a gift and a curse.

You do what you love every day,

but when things go south,

you only have the walls to yell at.

(air whooshing)

(fire crackling)

(helicopter whirring)

(doors closing)

(siren wailing)

The job description is very much

like running a small business.

I'm very much self-employed.

Unlike a police detective,

there's not much job security.

Being a private eye means

you either get the case

that the cops can't

provide hard evidence for,

or the cases they don't

want to take at all.

(dog barking)

Life wasn't always this way,

especially when the

infamous DVD Desperado,

Clive Campbell was still around.

The LAPD kept getting

reports about some wacko

who was knocking on video stores,

but in the weirdest ways.

That detective at the time

did not see the correlation

between the robberies.

Each heist was almost

directly lifted from a variety

of robberies that

appeared in the old black

and white film "The Private Eye."

Obviously, they weren't film buffs.

What kinda person doesn't

appreciate a good film noir?

- Dad, Daddy, I lost Fluffy.

- Oh, that's all right, buddy.

Fluffy will come back home.

Dogs always find their way back home.

- Okay.

- Oh, hey, you know, maybe

Mr. Madison can help.

- He scares me.

- That's all right, I'll take you.

- Okay.

- Come on.

(boy knocking)

(Mort sighs)

- What do you want?

- Please help me find my dog.

I don't know where it is.

Please help me find it.

- How much money you got?

- Well, I got a full piggy bank.

- You got it on you?

- No, but I can bring it tomorrow.

- It's enough for me.

- Okay.

- Let's not take

too much of the Detective's time.

- He's fine.

Just, I need that money.

(door closes)

(engine rumbling)

- [Henry] Look, sorry I'm late.

It won't happen again.

- No, I know it won't 'cause next time

you're hittin' the bricks, you understand?

- [Henry] I don't think so.

- Will you just wait in the back

until the armored truck gets here?

Would ya?

- [Henry] Yeah.

- You you go with him.

- [Customer] All right, let's see.

- [Customer] Let's see (indistinct).

Oh, they have "The Graduates."

- Oh.

- "Mrs. Robinson."

She's a baddie.

- You know, honestly,

I've rented this like five times.

Let's do somethin' else.

- What?

What (indistinct). Okay.

- We can keep it

(indistinct) but-

- You pick, you pick.

- [Customer] Oh, "Catch 22."

- [Customer] Okay (indistinct).

- I love this thing.

I remember the last time-

- Who told you about it?

- [Customer] Just somethin' I saw.

(anticipatory music)

- Something I can help you find?

- No, I'm good.

I can find what I'm lookin' for.

Crime drama?

Film noir, maybe?

- I got it.

I got it.

- All righty.

(anticipatory music)

- Got him.

- I don't think so.

- Good one, Mort.

- Yeah, Detective, you saved our lives.

- Eh, just doin' my job.

(air whooshing)

The police said there was no place

for a private eye in today's modern world.

No need for a flat foot or

gum shoe walking the beat.

Time to prove 'em wrong.

For everyone who loved d*ck

Tracy and Sherlock Holmes

to show their private eyes

are cooler than any

movie star or celebrity.

We're with the good guys, damn it.

The heroes.

Once the tabloids heard

that Clive Campbell, AKA,

The Movie m*rder*r was apprehended

by a local private eye

and saved a police officer's a*s,

they ate that sh*t up

like Halloween candy,

was on every magazine cover,

then boom, blacklisted by the LAPD.

I guess they must have been

bitter for the publicity.

That might have something to

do with the current situation.

(serene music)

- I don't want your excuses.

You said you'd help.

(clock ticking)

(gentle music)

You said you cared.

- You're not seeing things clearly.

Your chakras must be blocked.

- I'm gonna block your

shockers in about two seconds.

(metal clangs)

- Where's the ring?

- So now you care?

- Calm down.

(Michelle scoffs)

(serene music)

Let's cleanse those chakras.

(music continues)

(Michelle sighs)

Okay, hop down into cow pose.

- Don't give me that Hindu bullshit.

I thought you were a shrink,

not a yoga instructor.

Fine.

I'll do the damn yoga if you

do what you said you'd do.

- Fine.

(serene music)

Beautiful.

Now, close your eyes,

breathe in,

and breathe out.

(music continues)

Breathe in,

and out,

and in.

(shutter clicks)

- You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

- I was merely checking the time.

- Everywhere I go, I'm

surrounded by swine.

- Look, I already deleted it.

(Michelle smirks)

- You always seem to assume

the worst of a situation.

I think that's worth exploring

in a deeper hypnotherapy session.

- Let's not, and say we did.

- Please just gimme a chance to help you.

Help me help you.

I'll take that as a yes.

Now, remove your shoes and lie back.

Good.

Relax your head.

Close your eyes and breathe.

One.

You're beginning to

leave your mortal shell.

Two.

You feel your spirit floating up

through the confines of the office.

Three.

Breathe deep, and

imagine the wind carrying

you through the stratosphere.

(Michelle gasps)

- Why are you touching me?

- The feet are connected

to all seven chakras

and our window into the-

- I told you to cut the OSHA routine.

This is reality.

I need real help.

- Sometimes the biggest

stuff is letting go

and relinquishing that control.

- Relinquish myself to you?

I don't think so.

Go f*ck a sacred cow, David.

(door slams)

- I'm trying.

(horn honking)

(crickets chirping)

(mellow hip hop music)

Don't sleep on Pillow Head

Whoa

Sheesh

- [Mort] For the d*adbeats,

or otherwise down on your luck

population, alcohol is king.

However, one who wants

to drink away their sorrows

while also attempting

to get their life back on

track has to tread lightly.

Certainly liquor is quicker,

but it's also a one way ticket

to getting branded as an alcoholic,

and alcoholics don't get work.

This is where the surge

of micro breweries has saved the day.

Now beer is like wine

differing from region,

variety, and most importantly, potency.

Just like wine,

you banished unparalleled knowledge

of independent breweries

and nobody thinks twice

to see you guzzling

a couple down at two p.m.

on a Wednesday afternoon (chuckles),

and it's 7% or more.

Hm, these puppies will have

you whistling "Cucaracha"

in no time flat without

the hard alcohol stigma.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

- It looks like

it's the beginning.

- It's "The beginning

of a beautiful friendship,"

wouldn't you say?

"Casablanca," huh?

Must be Tuesday.

- Not bad.

But it's not only Tuesday.

It's also pay day.

So pay, on our way.

- Oh, come on, sweet cheeks.

Don't play me like that.

(upbeat music)

So here at Boomtown Rory,

we take three very special

ingredients to make our beer,

water, grain and yeast.

We take our grain and

grind it into a fine mash

and boil it in our baths

until it gets a nice sugary substance.

I know this, not because I care,

but because I've taken

this tour umpteen times.

Why would I take such a tour?

Hm.

Hm.

(music continues)

Free samples at the end.

When you run up the tab

at your liquor store,

you can always count on your

local brewery to support ya.

Mm mm.

(music continues)

(Mort exhales)

(music continues)

(glass slams)

(music fades)

(air whooshing)

Even when you're surrounded by filth,

you gotta keep at least

one thing that's beautiful.

It's good to be a plan, Dad.

(birds chirping)

(pot shatters)

Oh, sh*t.

(objects clattering)

Oh, God!

(Michelle knocks)

Hi, can I help you?

- Cut the sh*t.

- Sure.

Step into my office.

- Good God, this place is a pigsty.

Do we need to hire you a maid?

- Thanks for the snap judgements.

- It smells like piss in here.

It's not a snap judgment, it's a fact.

- Okay, do you come

here just to insult me,

or do you have a case?

(Michelle screams)

Okay.

Maybe you have the wrong address.

(Michelle sobbing)

I'm a private eye,

and I feel what you need is a shrink.

(Michelle sighing)

- Yeah, I have a case for you.

- Okay, now you're talkin' my language.

There we go.

First thing's first, details.

- (sighs) No details.

I need you to take care of someone for me.

- Okay, lady, I investigate murders, okay?

I don't instigate them.

- Well, at least scare

some into him for me.

- Does he hurt you?

Does this man abuse you?

(Mort sighs)

- I need your help.

Will you help me?

- That I might be able to do,

for the right price.

- Oh, for f*ck's sake.

(cans clattering)

- What did I say?

At least gimme your name.

- Some detective.

- Hey, hey.

Normally I'd let you

keep walkin', all right.

I need the money.

So if roughing up your

boyfriend or husband,

whoever it is, is gonna get me that money,

I'll do it.

- So you're a sell out?

- Listen, can we just

talk business, please?

I mean, I can work for it.

- Think of it as a retainer.

- Retainer works.

- Goodbye, Detective.

- Your name?

- Michelle.

- Michelle.

(light music)

(door opens)

(door closes)

Didn't get any information.

You didn't even get her phone number.

It's been too long since the last case.

Must be gettin' rusty.

(upbeat music)

(Mort sighs)

(bag rustling)

(cans clattering)

(music continues)

(objects rustling)

(music continues)

(Mort sighs)

(music fades)

(water splashing)

(light music)

(dishes clinking)

It feels good to have a female around.

Might be blowing it as a detective,

but at least there's a reason to blow it.

There's somethin' else,

but I can't quite put my finger on it.

She didn't give out any leads,

but mm, she's got a great a*s (chuckles).

She's a hell of a woman.

(music continues)

(water splashing)

(unsettling music)

(light music)

(Mort exhales)

(birds chirping)

(light music)

(Michelle knocking)

- You're sweaty.

AC broken?

- [Mort] Funny.

Come in.

(door closes)

- Wow, you cleaned.

Gotta admit, I didn't know

what to think last time.

- Well, you can't judge

a book by its cover,

or a man by his habitat.

- Evidently not.

- A woman could spend an

entire lifetime with me

and still not know me.

- That a fact?

- Yes, it is.

I'm as mysterious as muff to a monk.

(Michelle laughs)

- What's mysterious is you using

the word muff in the 21st century.

- (chuckles) People

don't say that anymore?

- No.

- (chuckles) vag*na, got it.

(Michelle laughs)

Down to business.

- Mm.

- A few questions.

- I have a question for

you, if you don't mind,

before we get started.

- I mind, but you're the boss, so sh**t.

- Are you married?

- I just don't really

see how that matters.

- It doesn't.

Can't a girl be curious?

- Well, since you're paying me, yeah.

Yes, I was married.

- What happened?

- (smirks) You're not paying

me enough to get into that.

Nice try, though.

I guess that's why you burned this.

- Burned what?

Where'd you get that?

Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- You know, I wouldn't

expect a beautiful woman

like you to be rummaging through garbage.

- You think I'm beautiful?

- I think we should get back to business.

(light music)

So how long has this been going on?

- About three years.

- [Mort] Michelle was a

prototype never intended

for mass production.

Her words could bring a man

to near tears one moment,

and then consumed by a

fit of laughter the next.

Yeah.

(music continues)

You have to wonder how her

relationship was on the rocks.

You have to wonder a lot of things

because Michelle is the kind

of girl that makes you wonder.

On second thought...

(music continues)

- If you've got one.

(Michelle laughs)

Can I offer you a glass

of coffee flavored water?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- One sec.

So, I gotta ask why me?

- Why you what?

- Well, I mean, business hasn't

been exactly booming lately.

I'm sure you've noticed.

- You were bound to have

a customer again sometime.

Just happened to be me.

- Well, I'm glad.

There you go.

- Thank you.

- So what's the deal with

the guy you're seeing?

Your boyfriend, husband.

What's the deal?

- I already answered a bunch of questions.

- I know, but when did

you know that it was over?

- I just don't trust him anymore.

He's become a completely different person.

- Okay.

I'll keep an eye on him.

I'll be like his shadow at high

noon, invisible (chuckles).

(Michelle laughs)

Oh (sighs).

- Actually, I invited him to come here.

- Here?

- Yeah.

- For f*ck's sake, Michelle.

It kinda defeats the purpose of having

a private detective, don't you think?

- I have more money.

- You're offering me more

money before I even ask for it?

This really is a different kind of case.

This will pay for the new suit

I have waiting for me

at the tailor, though.

- Oh, look at you, Morty.

Really cleanin' up your act.

- Yeah, well, you can't

teach an old dog new tricks,

but you can clean the sh*t from his fur.

- Are you walking to the tailor?

- How do you know I don't have a car?

- Come on, I'll drive you.

- That's really not necessary.

- I insist.

- (chuckles) It's not necessary.

I can take the bus.

- I insist.

Let's go.

- She insists.

(engine rumbling)

(dogs barking)

(Mort chuckles)

This is a nice car.

I can see myself in somethin' like this.

- Well, with all the

improvements you've been making,

I'm sure you'll have a

car like this in no time

and you can drive me places.

- Yeah, if you're still my client by then.

- I don't have to be your client

for you to drive me places, Mort.

- Don't tempt me.

- Why not?

- Because you don't know me, Michelle.

- I know you better than you think.

- No.

No, you don't, okay?

So, just stop.

- I'm not doing anything-

- Stop.

(Michelle scoffs)

- Look, I wanna thank you

for taking me to get my suit

and everything, I guess.

Thanks.

- [Michelle] You don't

have to thank me, Mort.

- [Mort] Well.

- I care about you more than you know.

- [Mort] Uh...

- Looks like someone's excited.

- Uh (laughs)...

- You don't have to hide it, Mort.

(fabric rustling rhythmically)

- Michelle, this is wildly inappropriate.

- You don't have to be shy with me.

- f*ck.

- Is that what you want?

- I...

I don't know what I want.

- Sure you do.

- Have you been tested recently?

- Seriously?

- What?

I'm trying to be responsible.

- Just because I wanna sleep

with you doesn't make me a sl*t, Mort.

- Well, I mean, you're taken so.

- According to who?

- According to you, and this case!

- Everything with you

is always so difficult.

- What do you mean always?

We've practically just met.

- All right, you wanna be like this?

Fine.

Get out.

- Are you...

If you wanna f*ck, we can just f*ck, okay?

It's that easy.

- I don't want to f*ck, Mort, I...

I wanted to make love.

(Mort smirks)

- Yeah, maybe you should

have seen a therapist.

- f*ck you.

Get out.

Get out.

- That's not

what I meant, okay? You

know, I didn't mean it like-

- Get the f*ck outta my car.

Get out!

(dog barking)

(light music)

(music continues)

- [Mort] It was one of those

dangerous Viagra type boners

that they warned you

about in the commercials.

If you have an erection

that lasts over four hours,

please seek immediate medical attention.

(upbeat music)

(pool ba*ls clacking)

(music continues)

She's not my type,

but she's got that lonely,

desperate look goin' on.

Enough to give my rocks off.

- Hey man, what can I get for ya?

- I'm gonna do a whiskey on the rocks.

And get the young lady another

one of whatever she's having.

- You got it.

Comin' right up.

- Thank you.

- What are you supposed to be?

- Whatever you want me to be.

- Oh (chuckles), okay.

- Got you to laugh, didn't it?

- Only 'cause it was a sorry

excuse for a pickup line.

- Well, I'm a pretty sorry kind of guy.

- Good (chuckles).

- [Bartender] For the lady.

- Thank you.

- [Bartender] And for you, Sir.

- Thanks.

- You're really bad at this, huh?

- Mm.

The name is Mort.

- Oh.

- But yeah,

I'm pretty bad at this.

- Sadie (chuckles).

(throat clears) Well, listen,

I'm not here for company,

but I'm definitely here for the drinks.

So, sorry.

- Understood.

But if you're not here...

But if you're not here for the company,

why not just drink at home?

- Well, drinking at

home is very depressing.

- That's...

Touche.

(Sadie's throat clears)

That's fine.

I'm just waiting for somebody anyways.

- Are you?

That's bullshit.

- I am.

- I don't believe it.

I think you're just a desperate,

horny guy at a bar looking

to hook up with a desperate, lonely girl.

And I'm not desperate and I'm not lonely.

- Ouch.

Seems like you've got me all figured out.

I've got you all figured out too, Sadie.

- Oh, yeah?

- Mm hm.

- Let's hear it.

- Well, for starters, you

are dressed incredibly sexy,

but you chose to come

to a dive bar knowing

that you'll be the hottest

girl in here without having

to try very hard because

you have low self-esteem.

- Is that all you got?

- Mm.

No, no.

I'm not done.

- Yeah.

- You turned me down,

which is not a surprise,

but I have a feeling

I'm not the first guy.

I'm probably the third or fourth.

Let's be honest.

You knew you were gonna

get that kind of attention

so you came here with the

purpose of turning guys down

one after another.

And you have makeup everywhere

but around your eyes,

so you've been crying,

messed up your makeup,

and in the midst of trying to fix it,

realized you must have

lost your mascara at home.

- Mm hm.

Almost, not all the way.

- Mm.

But here's the kicker, sweetheart.

You aren't here with any friends either,

which leads me to believe

that you don't have

any girlfriends anymore

because you are in a shitty relationship.

You were fighting with your

boyfriend, significant other,

and you've made the same

empty threat a times.

You're gonna go out and

find somebody better.

But you made this threat so many times

it doesn't have any impact anymore.

So you got dressed, stormed out.

You came here.

Even though you both know

it's just to spite him.

You'll have a few drinks,

boost your ego a little bit,

and then you'll come crawling back

and you'll apologize to him.

Even though he's the as*h*le.

But you know what?

He's your as*h*le.

And having him is better

than having nothing at all.

(Sadie's sighs)

(Sadie's throat clears)

So how close was I?

- What are you, a therapist?

(Mort chuckles)

- It feels like it sometimes, yeah.

But no, I'm a detective.

sh*t.

I didn't mean to dig.

- Do you wanna get outta here?

- Yeah.

Absolutely.

(Sadie moans)

(upbeat music)

(Mort panting)

Oh my God.

Mm.

(Mort exhales)

Mm.

(Sadie giggles)

God.

- Oh, sorry.

- It's okay.

Oh, pants, right, right.

Oh, sh*t.

(Sadie squeals)

Oh, all right (chuckles).

I'm more attractive than I thought.

- Shut up.

- Okay.

(Mort panting)

(Sadie exclaims)

- What's wrong, what's wrong?

Do you need a Viagra or something?

- A Viagra?

I don't have any problems getting it up.

It's fine.

- sh*t, I know what will work.

I got something.

- Okay.

(Sadie squeals)

Oh my God.

(Mort exhales)

- You like that?

- [Mort] Yeah, a lot.

- I knew you would.

(Mort panting)

(Sadie moans)

- [Sadie] Oh, Mort.

- Oh, oh, Michelle.

- [Sadie] Huh? Huh?

- Uh, I said Sadie.

- You said Michelle.

- I said Sadie.

- You have a girlfriend, I knew you did.

- I said Sadie.

I said Sadie.

(Sadie exclaims)

- That's why you're terrible

at pickup lines.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I don't have a girlfriend.

- You f*cking do.

- No, I don't.

sh*t, no, Michelle.

- Bye.

- She's a client of mine.

- Bye, Mort.

- I was seeing her

- Bye, Mort!

- before I went to the bar.

- Bye.

- Sadie!

- Bye.

- Sadie, come on.

It was a Freudian slip.

(Mort sighing)

- [TV Character] (indistinct)

and he was robbed

of everything down to his clothes.

Beat him nearly halfway to death and left-

- Now I'm hard (scoffs).

- [TV Character] On that day...

(door creaking)

- Mort?

(door slams)

(Michelle sighs)

(coffee can thuds)

(Mort gasping)

Really?

- Oh, God.

How the hell did you get in here?

- I've been knocking for 10 minutes.

- Yeah, next time that

happens, it means go away!

(Michelle chuckles)

I'm getting my beauty rest.

- It's past noon.

Beauty rest is over.

Plus, you know what they say.

Early to bed, early to rise

makes a man happy, wealthy and wise.

- (groans) well, I'm

sure whoever said that

was probably a miserable son of a b*tch

who was just trying to fool everybody.

- No, that's you.

- Ouch.

- No, I mean, you're trying

to fool everyone into thinking

that you're a miserable son

of a b*tch but you're not.

- I'll have to try harder.

- Nope.

I'm not done whipping you into shape.

- Michelle, I'm not sure...

I'm not sure if you remember this,

but you hired me, okay?

Not the other way around.

- Exactly.

I'm gonna get my money's worth.

Plus, look at all these

improvements you're making already.

- Mm hm.

Or maybe I'm not this new and improved guy

you're making me out to be.

- Well, you can fake it till you make it.

- You are full of cheap dimes

to our wisdom today, aren't you?

- Yep.

- Well, I know you didn't just

come here to bust my ba*ls,

so what's up?

- I...

I signed you up to give

a motivational speech

in front of handicap patients.

- (chuckles) That's funny.

You're kidding.

Michelle, I am in no position

to give a motivational speech to anybody.

I need motivation.

- Well, you're the best they've got.

- In that case, they are f*cked.

- Take this seriously.

- And what if I don't?

- No more money.

(coffee brewing)

- Fine, I'll write a speech

for the poor b*stards.

- Better be good.

- (chuckles) That's funny.

I can guarantee it won't be.

- (laughs) Well, that's a start.

- I'm starting to feel

like a charity case.

- You're in need of some charity.

- Touche.

Well, make yourself at home (chuckles).

I'm gonna sh*t, shower and shave.

- Spare me the details.

- Hm.

- Here, gimme the shirt.

Maybe I can do something

about these wine stains

before it's too late.

- Oh yeah, they're everywhere.

- Oops.

Got it.

- Oh, thank you.

- Mm hm.

- Hm, gross.

Is this woman's perfume?

- No, it's...

- Who am I kidding (chuckles)?

- Excuse me?

- Hm?

- It could be perfume.

- Yeah?

- I could have any woman

I wanted, Michelle.

- Sure.

- If I wanted.

- Right, of course.

- I'm just busy.

- So busy.

- With whatever this is.

(hand slaps)

(Michelle laughs)

- Get in that shower.

Mm hm.

(curtain rungs clinking)

(water splashing)

(soft music)

(unsettling music)

(Mort thuds)

(Mort groans)

(music continues)

(splashing continues)

(Mort groans)

(David knocking)

- f*ck (groaning).

(knocking continues)

Michelle?

Michelle?

(knocking continues)

Oh, f*ck.

(chiming music)

Yeah?

Can I help you?

- Do you know who I am?

- No, should I?

- You must be Mort.

Michelle sent me.

My name is David.

(anticipatory music)

- Of course it is.

- Dear Buddha, do you

know you're bleeding?

- Oh, this?

It's nothing. I was up late last night.

Your mom had put me through the headboard.

It was the craziest thing.

- I see what Michelle was talkin' about.

- She told you about me?

- She told me enough.

- Did she mention how

bad she wants to f*ck me?

(David smirks)

- She said you might

say something like that.

- Well, I drive the ladies crazy, David.

- We need to talk.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

You're not callin' the

shots around here, okay?

- I know why Michelle is doing this.

- Okay, come in.

Shut the door.

(door closes)

Sit down.

This is a very interesting case.

It's the first investigation

where the person I'm investigating, you,

knows that I'm investigating them.

Coffee?

- Sure.

- Just kidding.

Now it doesn't make a lot of

sense to me, but here we are.

- I'm calling it off.

- I beg your pardon?

- I'm callin' the whole thing off.

It's a bad idea, you're

keeping your eye on me.

- Okay, but you can't do that.

- I'm doin' it now.

- Oh.

(Mort sighs)

You see that suit, David?

Did you buy me that suit?

- What are you talking about?

- It's a very simple

question, even for you.

Did you buy me that suit?

- You know I didn't.

- Hm.

Well, did you gimme the

money to buy that suit?

- Mort, please.

- Let me help you out, David.

No, you didn't.

But your Michelle did.

Yeah, you see, it's with her

money that I bought that suit

and I accepted that money under

the agreement that I'll be following

and possibly putting the

fear of God into you.

- You can keep the money and the suit.

- David, you are missing the point.

This is my job.

Okay?

I don't understand why Michelle

wants us to know each other.

That is not normally part of the gig.

And I, I have a feeling it's part

of some sick fantasy she's

dreamed up in her head.

But that's, it's really

neither here nor there.

What is relevant, however,

is that I have been broke

for a very long time.

And this is the first paid

gig that's come my way.

Even if it is just abiding

by some Twisted Housewives fantasy.

Money is money.

Do you understand me?

- I can pay you off.

- Get the f*ck outta my house.

- Can we talk?

- You've been talking enough.

Get out.

You're starting to get on my nerves.

- Good.

Oh, that's fantastic 'cause you see,

I'm being paid to ruffle

your feathers, David.

- Okay, fine.

I'll stop seeing Michelle,

that way you have no case.

- That's a hell of a broad

you'd be pissing away.

- You can piss her way better than me.

- And what is that supposed to mean?

- Forget about it.

We should have never met.

- Yeah, no sh*t Sherlock.

It's a little late for that.

- You're not ready for this.

- Hm, no.

You're not ready for this.

(hand slaps)

(light music)

- I fear for your soul.

- My soul?

You should fear for what's

gonna happen to your face

if you weren't out of

here five minutes ago.

(music continues)

(door slams)

Oh!

(anticipatory music)

(Mort panting)

- Hey!

- Sorry, kid.

Official detective business.

- Bro, what the heck?

(light music)

(pedals squeaking)

(music continues)

(squeaking continues)

(music continues)

- How'd it go?

(David scoffs)

I'm guessing that well?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Don't be a sissy.

- You wanna talk about it?

He's a f*ck' psychopath just like you.

- Oh, baby, don't hurt my feelings.

- I don't want any part of this.

I'm done.

- What did you say to him?

- The same thing I just told you.

- You didn't.

- I didn't tell him about everything.

I'm still a professional.

(Michelle scoffs)

I just told him that I'm

calling off the case.

- And he punched you?

(David tsks)

Yeah, that's loyalty.

- You have serious problems.

- Well, yeah.

Why do you think I've stuck

with you for this long?

- I have some theories.

- (scoffs) Please, don't flatter yourself.

It's cold.

- I know you remember.

(light music)

Shh

(music continues)

- Bingo.

- Oh my God, oh my God.

- It's not like that anymore.

- Oh, yeah.

Then how is it Michelle?

- This is done.

- Bingo.

(upbeat music)

- I'm tired of your f*cking games.

- You're the one playing games.

f*ck you.

(plate shatters)

- [Michelle] No, f*ck you!

I need this.

Get the f*ck outta my way.

I am outta here.

(dogs barking)

Get your hands off of me!

- No (indistinct).

- Jesus!

(music continues)

(keypad beeping)

(line trilling)

- [Operator] This is 911.

What is your emergency?

- We have an active intruder

here at the complex.

- Gimme that.

- Yeah, 911, I presume?

- [Operator] This is 911.

Can you hear me?

- Perfect, there is a sexual as*ault

happening right now at 513

Baker Street, second floor.

Get here.

- Such a d*ck.

(fist pounding)

Michelle!

Michelle!

- Mort?

- Come here, come here.

- When-

- [Mort] Look at me.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Look-

- I'm fine.

- He didn't hurt you, did he?

- No.

- [Mort] Tell me he didn't.

- No, Mort.

- Don't lie to me, Michelle.

- I'm not lying to you.

You don't think I can handle myself?

- You don't have to protect him.

- I'm not protecting him.

I'm protecting you.

- David!

David, you f*cked up.

- Mort, Mort, we can't be together

if you're serving a lifetime in prison.

- Be together?

What are you talking about?

David!

- Mort?

Don't you love me?

- I...

- Mort.

(light music)

(Michelle moans softly)

Do you love me?

Yeah?

- I do.

I love you.

- Let's run away together.

Let's leave tonight.

Right now.

Right now.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

You f*cked up, David.

You're lucky the cops are gonna

be dealin' with you this

time you piece of sh*t.

Michelle, wait.

How long have we known each other?

- [Michelle] What do you mean?

- I've just got this

feeling that I can't shake.

- [Michelle] What kind of feeling?

- Like we've done this.

(Michelle gasps)

- That's him.

- Freeze!

Get your hands up.

- Yo, you've got the wrong guy.

You've got the wrong guy.

Turn around and put your

hands behind your back.

You're under arrest for trespassing.

Are you serious?

- Absolutely. Anything you

say can and will be used

against you in a court of law.

- You've got the wrong guy.

He's upstairs in 207.

- [Michelle] Mort, what do we do?

- Just relax, baby, okay?

I'm gonna be in and out

in no time, all right?

- Okay.

- Ma'am, back up.

- Just wait from you, okay?

- You have the right to an attorney.

If you can't afford one,

the state will provide one.

- Mort, I love you.

(cell door slams)

- [?] Shacked up with

the heaviest breather

in the LA County municipal system.

(inmate snoring)

Not a wink of sleep.

And it wasn't just because of

Mr. Sleep Apnea down there.

I was up all night

thinkin' about Michelle.

Thinkin' about where we could run away to.

Thinkin' about us growin' old together.

And at the same time,

wrestling with a thought

that's been gnawing at my

brain like a dog on a bone.

Why does Michelle feel so damned familiar?

- Mort Madison, you have a visitor.

(snoring continues)

(Mort sighs)

(keys jingling)

(door slams)

(Mort sighs)

- Look at you, old timer (chuckles).

- Are you my lawyer or something?

- Still don't remember me, do you?

- What's your name?

- Bradley.

Jeff Bradley.

Ring any bells?

- Wait a minute.

We worked at that movie store

job together, didn't we?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah (laughs).

Yeah, I knew you'd remember.

Man, I heard you got yourself

in quite a bit of trouble down here.

Locked up.

I had to come check your house,

see what all fuss was about.

- It's nothin'.

They just got me for trespassing

and attempted as*ault,

(chuckles) which obviously

the latter is bullshit,

so that'll be dropped.

But I'm in here for a few weeks,

at least until I get bail posted.

- Well, you look a hell of a lot better

than the last time I seen you.

Good to see ya.

- (chuckles) Thanks, man.

I appreciate that.

- I'm sorry, Mort.

You know, for everything.

- I don't understand.

What do you mean?

- Look, you take care of yourself, okay?

- All right, time to go.

- That's it?

I thought you were gonna

bust me outta here, man.

Get your hands off me.

- Good to see you

- I don't belong here.

- old timer. (door creaks)

(door slams)

- [Guard] Ready to go?

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

(door creaks)

Thank you, thank you (sighs).

(door closes)

- [Mort] What's going on with my mind?

Why is my mind playing tricks?

Oh!

(Mort groaning)

(high pitched ringing)

- Come here, come here, come here.

Come here (indistinct).

Okay, eyes on me.

Eyes on me, eyes on me.

Stay with me, stay with me.

There we go.

- What are you doing?

- Just making sure you don't

give yourself concussion on

this God damn concrete, man.

Stay with me.

Breathe, breathe (exhales).

Gimme a big breath.

There you go, pal, enjoy.

(Mort exhaling)

- Thanks.

- Phew.

Scared the sh*t outta me, Pal.

Just breathe.

There you go, that's what you need to do.

You need that.

- I'm guessing you're the

expert, Mr. Sleep Apnea?

- Stay still.

- Thanks.

- Don't try to stand up.

- I'm okay.

- No, come on.

Just be cool.

- I'm fine.

- Don't stand up.

Don't stand up.

- I'm not gonna stand up.

I just need to get off of your lap.

(Mort groans)

(Edmond's throat clears)

- You really should get

checked out by a doctor.

- So should you.

- I won't be bothered for long.

I'm outta here in a day or two tops.

- Open a showcase like mine, huh?

(Edmond laughs)

- I wish it was.

Afraid not.

Just biding my time till they transfer

me outta here to San Quentin

or wherever the f*ck it

is they're gonna send me.

You're breathing shallow.

Breathe deep.

Go (inhales).

Deep exhale, there you go.

(Mort exhales)

- You know, San Quentin's no joke.

- [Guard] Mort Madison, you got mail.

- Look at you, Mr. Popular.

(Mort panting)

- [Michelle] "Hello, Mort."

- Who's it from?

- The woman I'm running away with.

- [Michelle] "I was hoping to run away

with you before this day happened.

I had to write to you because what I have

to tell you why I didn't have the guts

to say to you in person.

I'm leaving for good, Mort,

and I'm not looking back.

I need to start a new life

with a clean slate in a town

where no one knows my name.

Mort, I will always love you.

I want you to remember me for who I am,

not for who you made me out to be.

Yours forever, Michelle."

- How's she doin'?

- What the f*ck is this?

- Looks like that might

have been a sad letter, huh?

- "Made you out to be?"

Michelle!

- What's the story, pal?

- I don't know.

I feel like I'm stuck in the

f*cking twilight zone, man.

I don't know.

I have no f*cking clue.

- With women, buddy,

it's never cut and dry.

- Yeah.

(sniffles) What the hell

do you know about it?

- You asked me why I was

goin' to San Quentin.

Because of a woman.

- Really?

- Humans comes in all

shapes and size of buddy,

but in the end we're all the same.

- Except you're different.

- Except I'm different.

What the f*ck does that mean?

- It means that I'm in here for a girl.

You're in here for a girl (sniffles).

The only difference is I'm about

to pull my f*cking hair out

and you're just as calm as a

Hindu cow in a slaughterhouse.

How?

- Look pal, I k*lled a man.

I k*lled a man.

(Mort sniffs)

I know what you might think,

but I know the weight of what I've done.

- But you have no remorse?

- None.

(Mort chuckles)

- You're what we would

call a natural born k*ller.

- Huh?

- I've met a lot of people

like you in my line of work.

I never could understand

how you can live with yourself.

- But you've wondered.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Want me to tell you?

- I don't exactly have anything

more pressing right now.

Sure.

- So in your line of work,

you treat every m*rder the same, right?

- Pretty much.

- And when you catch a m*rder*r,

it's always sentenced the same way, right?

- No, not always.

It depends on a couple of factors.

There's criminal record,

psychiatrical exam, intent.

- Precisely, intent.

Now, one could argue that you could do

the worst thing possible with

the best of intentions, right?

- Yeah, I guess, but k*lling is k*lling.

A healthy mind must be

able to cope with that.

- I'll bet some people you encounter

were just slay me remorseless,

and you wrote them off as crazy

or either really good at

hiding their feelings.

And you're probably

right most of the time.

But what I'm telling you is

most of 'em were just like me.

So sure their intent of their feelings

with that is satisfaction.

They had fulfilled their duty.

- It still sounds pretty

nutty to the average Joe.

- You being the average Joe?

- I'm not the k*ller.

- (chuckles) You're a f*cking woman.

It is no different from a

soldier k*lling the enemy

'cause they were ordered to.

- And then they get PTSD.

- Some of 'em do, but not all of 'em.

And the ones who don't, believe me,

are so in their mission they

sleep like babies at night.

- How do you know that?

- Because of how I sleep at night.

- With sleep apnea?

- I've always had sleep apnea.

(Mort groans)

- You forgot one crucial detail.

- You want to know what I

did, what my mission was?

I'll let you read the

details in the paper.

But my mission, my mission was love.

(anticipatory music)

(food sizzling)

- [Michelle] Morning.

- Morning.

- Mm.

- How did I get so lucky?

- Hm.

- Look at this, orange juice, eggs, love.

What more could we ask for?

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

You know, I've been

thinking a lot about this

and I think it's time.

I'm gonna sell the business.

Retire.

- Are you serious?

- Mm hm.

That way we can run

away together, finally.

Besides the competition's

gettin' too tough

and I'm ready to jump outta the game.

- Are you sure because that means

you would have to spend every

moment of every day with me.

- On second thought...

(Michelle laughs)

(light music)

- Uh, uh, uh, mm mm.

No, I'm gonna leave for work.

- Aw, it's never stopped you before.

- I know, but today is a big delivery.

- It's a big delivery?

- Not for you.

(Michelle chuckles)

I'll see you.

(light music)

- Oh, you forgot your breakfast.

- Oh.

(shot firing echoes)

(Mort gasping)

(light music)

(music continues)

(Mort grunting)

- David.

- Who's David?

- I didn't even know you were awake.

(light music)

(Michelle knocking)

(dogs barking)

- Are you okay?

(door creaks)

I knew you'd be back.

- I came to say goodbye.

Oh.

You know I hate that sh*t.

- I was blessing the apartment.

- Of course you were.

- Goodbye?

Where are you going?

- There's nothing left for me here.

- [David] I'm still here.

- Like I said, there's

nothing left for me here.

(can pops)

Mm (sighs).

- [David] I didn't think I'd

see you again after last time.

- Yeah, well, you really shouldn't be.

You're a real piece of sh*t, you know?

- [David] You didn't

come here to say goodbye.

- Mm.

I really did.

- If you were really

planning on leaving for good,

you would've just left without a word.

But you didn't.

You chose to come back here.

- Yeah, I thought it might be nice to talk

through a major life decision

like this with someone, anyone.

But I'm already regretting it.

- So, where are you gonna go?

- Somewhere up north.

- Where up north?

- Nice try.

- Well, you said you

needed someone to talk to,

which means you want my opinion.

I think you should take

your time and think it over.

- (sighs) If I take time to think it over,

I might not leave and I can't

be here when Mort gets out.

- Yeah, when is that exactly?

- Worry much?

- Yeah, actually I do.

- Like two weeks.

- Damn.

I wonder how long it takes

to clear a g*n purchase.

- That's not funny.

- I need something in case

that crazy psychopath comes after me.

- I hope he does come after you.

- I don't know why you're

acting like this with me.

You came to me for help and

all I've done is help you.

- You've f*cked sh*t up

more than you've helped.

- How?

By falling for you?

- Lusting is not the

same as falling in love.

- Okay, so maybe I haven't gone

about things in the right way,

but that doesn't change

what's in my heart.

- We f*cked once.

- It was the best sex I've ever had.

- (laughs) Huh.

Flattering as that may be,

I only slept with you out of

desperation and confusion.

It happened to be with you

because you happened to be

the easiest opportunity.

- You know there was more to it than that.

- Yeah, me opening up to

you because it's your job

and you taking advantage

of me, you sick f*ck.

- Michelle,

I'm not this monster

you're trying to make me out to be.

- All evidence to the contrary.

- When are you leaving?

- Today.

- Today?

- Bags are packed downstairs.

- Let me come with you

just until you get settled.

- Hard pass.

Goodbye, David.

(door opens)

(door closes)

- That was a hell of a ride.

(light music)

- [Man] Right here, right

here. Right here, right here.

Right here?

- Yeah.

- That's a nice a*s car.

- Coke and weed, coke

and weed, coke and weed.

- I have no need for any

of those, my friends.

Do you have a g*n for sale?

- (coughs) Snitch.

- Are are you 12?

- 12?

- The cops, the police, the feds.

- Do I look like the cops?

- A undercover cop.

What you think, D?

- I'm thinkin' we need

to have referral form.

- You see, that's your problem.

You always trustin' everybody, man.

You remember what happened last time?

- Sorry to interrupt.

- Hey!

Don't you hear two grown men talkin'?

- Hey, you're the one

who's about to lose a sale.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's just a formality.

I don't do entrapment.

You not the cops, right?

- I am not the cops.

- Follow us.

- Yeah, follow us.

(light music)

- Come on.

Cough it up, come on.

- What?

- The money.

- How much?

- 50.

- $50.

- 50 bucks?

- Hell, yeah it's 50.

- 50 bucks.

- Hurry up.

- Yep, come on.

- sh*t.

- Come on, man, come on.

- Gosh.

- Does it look right?

- It's good.

(fist banging rhythmically)

(men laughing)

- (laughs) Sucker!

(door opens)

(light music)

- Who the f*ck are you?

- Who, me?

- Who the f*ck else would I be talking to?

- Listen, I don't want any problems.

I just heard you sell g*ns.

- Who the f*ck...

Oh, must be Stone.

That mother f*ck owes me money.

Did you bring my mother f*ck' money?

- Look, I just came here to buy a g*n.

Do you want my money or not?

- g*ns?

I don't see any g*ns.

- What about the wall of g*ns behind you?

(door sliding)

(door thuds)

- Like I said, I don't see any g*ns.

- Come on, man.

Your negative vibes are

seepin' through your pores.

Just do me a solid and sell it to me.

- Vibes?

f*ck of malaka.

- Please, this is a

life or death situation.

I wouldn't be here if I didn't need it.

- What part of f*ck off

didn't you understand?

Get the f*ck outta here.

(light music)

f*ck' hippies.

(door rattling)

(air whooshing)

(light music)

(Mort groans)

- [Mort] How long has it been?

Long enough to be

transferred to San Quentin,

or wherever the f*ck.

(music continues)

- All right princess, your chariot awaits.

- Chariot to where?

- Well, they're releasing you early.

You know, man of your

age shouldn't be caught

in a hellhole like this anyway.

- Just when I thought I

couldn't catch a break.

- Well, it's your lucky day.

String a bus dug up a lot of trash.

Turns out there's even bigger pieces

of sh*t in this town than you.

- Hm.

It's news to me (groans).

What he said was still

lingering in my mind

like my own consensus.

He may have been crazy,

but the man was right about one thing.

When you know what you want in this world,

you sleep like a baby.

I haven't slept like that in years.

Maybe I never slept that well.

Here it is, the stars aligning.

If Michelle is really leaving the trail

might have gone cold while

running away in that cell.

It's destiny to get out early.

I can't make sense of it.

I can't make sense of anything these days.

(Mort panting)

(light music)

The money's said it all.

(Mort gasping)

(keypad beeping)

(line trilling)

- [Arrow Cabs Employee] Arrow

Cabs, how can I help you?

- Hi, yes, I need a cab.

(lighter flicks)

- [Carl] What you doing back there?

- [Mort] Relax.

- [Carl] You know that's

how forest fires start?

- I don't see any forests around here,

do you?

- You know what?

- How about you just watch your mouth?

I don't care how old you are,

I'll come back there and kick your a*s.

- All right.

Pull over up here by that red gate.

- All right, man.

It's gonna be-

- No, I'm not getting out yet.

- You're not?

- No, keep the meter running.

- We casin' the joint?

- Oh, Jesus Christ, man.

What the hell's the matter with you?

We're not robbing anybody.

- Hey man, this is why I took this job.

It's been nothing like the movies.

Just a bunch of drunk people

throwin' up in the backseat.

- Oh, well that explains the smell.

- Look, if you say follow the car,

you will not be disappointed.

I've been waitin' for this

opportunity my whole life.

- Okay, will you just put the g*n down?

- Okay, fine.

But listen, I already c*ck it.

I gotta sh**t somebody.

- All right, we're just

waiting for somebody.

- All right fine.

You the boss.

So, who we waitin' on?

- I will literally pay

you more money to shut up.

- Come on, man, don't gotta be like that.

- Okay, you gotta swear not to

tell anybody, you understand?

This cab ride never happened.

- Who am I gonna tell, man?

I got warrants.

- I'm a detective.

- Okay, I'm just jokin'

about them warrants.

- (sighs) I fell in love

with a client of mine.

Hard.

I had love to tell you why,

but I honestly don't know.

But she left and I'm gonna get her back.

- Man, that is beautiful.

(chuckles) Is she who we waitin' for?

- No, we're waiting for a guy

that I need to question to

find out where she went.

- Okay, you need help

puttin' him in the trunk?

I'm down.

- No.

That will not be necessary.

- Hey man, you the most interesting person

to ever be in this cab (chuckles).

Hey, I'm Carl by the way.

Friends call me Crazy Carl.

- I bet they do.

(Carl chuckles)

I'm Mort.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay, that's the guy.

All right, you're gonna

wait here for 15 minutes,

then you can go.

All right?

- Got it.

(Mort exhales)

- [Mort] All right, thanks Carl.

- Yeah, man.

Good luck!

- Shh!

- Sorry.

(light music)

(music fades)

- David?

David, David, we need to talk.

David, we need to talk.

(Mort groans)

God damn it!

Oh, what the f*ck was that for?

- It's either gonna be you or me buddy,

and it ain't gonna be me.

- Wait, wait.

I didn't come here to hurt you.

- Oh yeah, like I'm gonna believe that.

- Michelle sent me a letter in jail.

A goodbye note.

- She was here earlier.

She's gone, Mort.

You ruined her life.

- Okay, well the note she

gave me concerns both of us.

I doubt that.

- Will you just put the knife down?

Just put it down, man.

I'm not gonna touch you.

- Why are you here?

- It was a suicide note, David.

She's gonna k*ll herself,

probably as we speak, or as you stab me.

Put it down.

You crazy...

- Crazy? You're crazy.

- Jesus (exhales).

- Let me see the note.

- I don't have it.

I burned it in the cab ride over here.

- Bullshit.

- I did.

You can ask the cabbie for yourself.

I told him to wait downstairs

in case you weren't here.

Go ask him.

- Mort, I'm pretty sure I'd know

if she's gonna commit suicide.

I'm a therapist.

- Okay, what a great

therapist you are, David.

Go ask him before he leaves.

He's gonna corroborate my story

and we gotta get over there, man.

We're wasting time.

- Over where?

- I'll tell you on the way, okay?

We'll take your car, come on.

Come on.

Oh, thank God.

- What the hell is goin' on here?

Hey, what the hell happened to you?

Is this dude right here-

- No, he's okay, he's okay.

It's fine, it's fine.

Just ask him.

- Ask me what?

- Did this man burn something

in the back of your cab?

- Is this a test?

- It isn't a test, answer him.

Tell him.

- Yeah, as soon as he got in.

- Happy?

- Carl, thank you.

(Carl laughs)

Let's go.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,

I can take you wherever you

need to go. You got me all day.

You goin' to get the girl?

I'll help you get the girl.

- That's not gonna be necessary.

Thank you, though.

- All right, well, hey, take

care of yourself, all right?

'Cause you look terrible, you old geezer.

- I'm looking' better than you.

- Wait here, I'll get the car.

- We can still put him in the trunk.

Lot of space in the trunk.

(light music)

- [David] Where are we driving?

- [Mort] That, the big

bridge over the LA River.

- [David] She said in the note

she was gonna jump off a bridge?

- Yep.

- That seems odd that she'd say where.

- It's not that odd.

Maybe she wants to be stopped,

like a cry for help or some sh*t.

I don't know, David.

You're her therapist.

Why would I tell you this?

- That does make sense.

She seemed confused when

she came over earlier.

Part of me wishes I

would've never met her.

- How do you mean?

- I have to come clean to you, Mort,

and I don't know how

you're gonna take this,

but I'm gonna say it anyway.

You're not well.

I mean, you're severely handicapped.

(Mort smirks)

Michelle hired me to

treat you on the grounds

that I couldn't tell you

you were being treated.

- Treated for what?

- You really don't have a clue do you?

You and Michelle are married

and you owned a very

successful video franchise.

You just can't remember.

You needed help and she said

you would never see a shrink.

- Not one like you.

- I shouldn't have agreed,

but obviously I did.

- And then you stayed on the case

because you had fallen in love with her,

didn't you?

- I don't need

to talk about that part.

- You just said you wanted to come clean.

- Yeah, about you and me.

- And you falling for

Michelle doesn't involve me?

- Yeah, I guess you're right.

- Yeah.

- You really don't have any

memory of your accident?

(anticipatory music)

- [Mort] 'Cause next time

you're hittin' the bricks.

Understood?

(shot firing)

(light music)

- Dad, Daddy, I lost Fluffy.

- Oh, that's all right, buddy.

Fluffy will come back.

Dogs always find their way home.

- Okay.

- Hey, you know Mr. Madison

might be able to help.

- But he scares me.

- [Michelle] I know you

better than you think.

Do we need to hire you a maid?

(dramatic music)

I care about you more than you know.

- [Mort] How do you

know I don't have a car?

- [Michelle] Everything with

you is always so difficult.

- [Mort] What do you mean always?

That's a hell of a broad

you'd be pissing away.

- [David] You can piss

her way better than me.

- I'm not protecting

him, I'm protecting you.

Forgetting something.

You don't have to be shy with me.

- [Mort] Look at you all the time.

Hell of a lot better than

the last time I seen you.

(shots firing)

(light music)

- [Bradley] Good to see you, old timer.

- [Guard] You know, man of

your age shouldn't be caught

in a hellhole like this anyway.

- 'Cause you look terrible,

- Mort!

- [Carl] you old geezer.

- Mort!

No, Mort!

Mort!

Can you hear me, Mort?

Mort!

- [David] Mort, Mort?

Mort?

Mort?

Return to the present, Mort.

- It was...

It wasn't a dream after all?

Man.

(exhales) That explains a lot.

- What do you remember?

- It's not time for a therapy session,

thank you very much more.

- Mort, you just let me do the talking.

- Yeah, right.

- You're not stable.

I don't want you to say something

that might make her jump

if she hasn't already.

- Okay, okay.

(light music)

- It was right up here.

- You sure this is the bridge?

- Yeah, this is it.

Right in the middle.

Yeah, I would call it right

about right about here.

Yeah.

She went up and over.

Yep.

- You sure this is the bridge?

- Yeah, I'm positive.

Hey man, lemme see her phone.

- I don't think she'll answer.

- That's all right.

(David grunts)

(Mort grunts)

(David screams)

(water trickling)

(keypad beeping)

(light music)

(Michelle sighs)

(message dings)

- Oh God, no (exhales).

f*ck.

(sighs) f*ck!

(light music)

(door slams)

(Michelle chuckles)

(music continues)

- Hey Mort, thanks again for

talking to these patients.

It really means a lot.

- Hi, guys.

- Hello, gentlemen.

This is Mort Madison.

He was also a victim of g*n violence

and he's fully recovered.

He came here today to share

his experience with you.

Mort, I'll let you take it from here.

- Thank you, Bob.

Old dear family friend.

So, the two of you probably have no idea

who I am and that's okay.

I wish I could say won the Medal of Honor,

or I got my face in the

front of a newspaper,

took a blow to the head

just to make the world a better place,

but that's all bullshit

compared to the real reason

I'm here to speak to you today.

I came to tell you kids how lucky I am.

I used to be the owner

of a video rental store.

I made more money than I could count.

I married my dream girl

and I bought the house I'd always wanted.

But like all good things,

it came to an end.

Mostly because of my stubbornness

to evolve with technology.

My business was failing and because

of my addiction to materialistic success,

I was never home and spent

no quality time with my wife.

Happy life, happy wife.

So you have to ask

yourself, what is success?

What does success really

mean to you, the successee?

What do you wanna do with

the rest of your lives?

The rest of your lives.

When I was a young boy,

my favorite movie was "The Private Eye."

It was a movie about a detective

who always solved the crime

using intricate clues,

always bagged the bad guy,

and he would always, and I

mean always get the girl.

Now my point is I always

wanted to be a detective.

I always wanted to be the private eye.

But when I turned into

an adult, I realized,

I realized I'd forgotten my dream.

Years later, years later as a young adult,

I got shot in the head.

Shot in the head.

And I forgot literally everything.

The money, the house, I

even forgot my own wife.

But there was one thing I remembered.

I remembered who I wanted to be.

How I wanted to dress, walk, talk.

I became "The Private Eye"

I always wanted to be.

Then I felt something I never felt before.

Success.

I felt success.

I started living my life

the way I'd always wanted.

Living the way you want to live.

That is success.

I wasn't happy because I wanted

to live the stories I was

selling in my video store.

And trust me, life is too short

to be living someone else's dream.

It's ironic.

I had to lose everything just

to remember what's most

important, who I really am.

Guys, don't ever forget

who you really are.

Hello, darling.

(Michelle chuckles)

(Mort exhales)

You know, a wise man

once told me, he said,

"If you have a mission, if

you have a purpose in life,

you will sleep like a

baby every single night."

Now do either of you wanna

share something with me?

Yeah?

- Oh, doing an undercover

sting I got shot,

things went haywire.

My partner ended up

shootin' me in my abdomen.

- I can see that.

- Oh.

- (chuckles) Good deal.

What?

- Well,

I was out on 60th and 10th

in a place I had no business bein'.

(indistinct) ain't got no names.

That's what my mom always used to say.

By the grace of God, I'm still here.

- That's tough.

I have loved talking to you both.

Get well soon.

We need ya, okay?

Peace out.

Hey, doll.

- Hi.

Well, I didn't catch the first half

but the second half was pretty

rambling and incoherent.

(Mort chuckles)

- I thought you'd like it.

Michelle, thank you for

never giving up on me.

- We really have to talk about David.

- Not now.

There's something more important.

- What?

- I remember.

I told her I remember,

which I don't really,

but that doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Let's run away.

She's as beautiful as the day I met her.

(Michelle giggles)

(upbeat music)

(music continues)

(music continues)

- [Officer] LAPD, everyone

get down right now!

- [Officer] Get down now!

(music continues)

(button clicks)

(music continues)

- [Officer] All rooms are clear, Sir.

- We're done here.

Pack it up.

(music continues)

(music fades)

(mellow hip hop music)

Don't sleep on Pillow Head

Whoa

Sheesh

Uh

f*ck it up

Uh

I'm back, b*tch

Uh

Yeah, drippin' in brand new clothes

Sittin' in brand new ride

b*tch, I'm back from 1305

I kept that sh*t too live

Super king runnin' through my veins

Have a check for me

I'll let you see

Y'all n*gg*s ain't fast

as me and this a SUV

Pulled up in a 'mote

control car just like a star

Whoa

b*tch, you keep tryna go tit for tat

You aint gon' get that far

No

Lil queen done bought me a drink

And throwin' that a*s on me at the bar

She started takin' it off in the car

She started breakin' me off in the car

The whip on autopilot

Whoa

Ya b*tch on auto slobbin'

I don't gotta problem

Don't

I don't gotta rob 'em

Don't

Get some women in ya life

and run a bag up quick

Me and my tribe ain't

nothin' but loyal

And you ain't nothin' but a b*tch

I got some solid bad

b*tches that f*ck with me

A lotta b*tch a*s n*gg*s gave up on me

b*tch

And when they see me they be

tryin' to say what's up to me

What

I think a lot

Of these n*gg*s can't f*ck with me

Yeah, I'm back b*tch

You see me at Sacks 5th

I'm good

I'm doin' band curls

Whoa

I'm doin' rack lifts

Oh, God

I'm in Japan

I got Tokyo doin' back flips

Oh, God

I'm in Japan

With some Japanese and Black chicks

God

My team winning

Keep it quiet until we let you speak

Wow

I'm sippin' and grinnin'

And this my 13th private jet this week

Fly

It's got to be

The way I'm livin'

make you feel this way

Whoa

I ain't never had no

record deal til this day

Pulled up in a 'mote

control car just like a star

Let's go

b*tch I'm gonna have my way

b*tch, I don't give a

f*ck about who you are

Oh, God

The waitress do what I say

And I didn't pay for

not one drink at the bar

It was a table full of girls

I sent them a bottle now we in the car

I got some solid bad

b*tches that f*ck with me

A lotta b*tch a*s n*gg*s gave up on me

b*tch

And when they see me they be

tryin' to say what's up to me

What

I think a lot of these

n*gg*s can't f*ck with me