01x06 - Omnipresence

[bunniefuu]

Friends, today's sermon
is directed toward that very
blessed portion of the

Is directed toward that very
blessed portion of the
congregation--the married

Blessed portion of the
congregation--the married
couple.

Congregation--the married
couple.
Even as a single man, I can

Couple.
Even as a single man, I can
appreciate from afar the

Even as a single man, I can
appreciate from afar the
joyousness and comfort that must

Appreciate from afar the
joyousness and comfort that must
be experienced in having a mate

Joyousness and comfort that must
be experienced in having a mate
to accompany you through this

Be experienced in having a mate
to accompany you through this
very scary life.

To accompany you through this
very scary life.
Drink!

Very scary life.
Drink!
That is why when I do

Drink!
That is why when I do
occasionally witness a

That is why when I do
occasionally witness a
transgression by a husband

Occasionally witness a
transgression by a husband
toward his wife, I think to

Transgression by a husband
toward his wife, I think to
myself, "that man doesn't know

Toward his wife, I think to
myself, "that man doesn't know
how good he has it.

Myself, "that man doesn't know
how good he has it.
I should be with her to show her

How good he has it.
I should be with her to show her
what a real husband is like."

I should be with her to show her
what a real husband is like."
People say, "but, reverend,

What a real husband is like."
People say, "but, reverend,
you're not allowed to be with

People say, "but, reverend,
you're not allowed to be with
women anyway.

You're not allowed to be with
women anyway.
What's the diff?"

Women anyway.
What's the diff?"
"No," I say.

What's the diff?"
"No," I say.
"I'm not a catholic priest.

"No," I say.
"I'm not a catholic priest.
I'm protestant.

"I'm not a catholic priest.
I'm protestant.
I play the field like anyone

I'm protestant.
I play the field like anyone
else.

I play the field like anyone
else.
But it's hard.

Else.
But it's hard.
Women like renegades.

But it's hard.
Women like renegades.
What am I gonna do?

Women like renegades.
What am I gonna do?
Reinvent myself?"

What am I gonna do?
Reinvent myself?"
[Mumbling]

Anyway, when a man and woman
are joined together in holy
matrimony, they become one and

Are joined together in holy
matrimony, they become one and
pray as one, and that cuts down

Matrimony, they become one and
pray as one, and that cuts down
on the crazy amount of prayers

Pray as one, and that cuts down
on the crazy amount of prayers
out there.

On the crazy amount of prayers
out there.
So, I say unto you, husbands,

Out there.
So, I say unto you, husbands,
be good to your wives.

So, I say unto you, husbands,
be good to your wives.
Give them what they need,

Be good to your wives.
Give them what they need,
and the kingdom of heaven

Give them what they need,
and the kingdom of heaven
will be at hand.

And the kingdom of heaven
will be at hand.
Amen.

Will be at hand.
Amen.
Amen.

Amen.
Amen.
The french people were some

Amen.
The french people were some
of the foreigners who were

The french people were some
of the foreigners who were
actually our allies during the

Of the foreigners who were
actually our allies during the
w*r.

Actually our allies during the
w*r.
Can anyone tell me some other

w*r.
Can anyone tell me some other
ways world w*r ii was bad?

Can anyone tell me some other
ways world w*r ii was bad?
[Bell rings]

Ways world w*r ii was bad?
[Bell rings]
all right.

[Bell rings]
all right.
We'll resume this lesson

All right.
We'll resume this lesson
tomorrow.

We'll resume this lesson
tomorrow.
Miss scultpham, I have a

Tomorrow.
Miss scultpham, I have a
question.

Miss scultpham, I have a
question.
You heard the bell, orel.

Question.
You heard the bell, orel.
No more learning today.

Want to play, orel?
No.
Can't, doughy.

No.
Can't, doughy.
I need to learn about what makes

Can't, doughy.
I need to learn about what makes
a woman happy, so that when I

I need to learn about what makes
a woman happy, so that when I
get married, my wife and I will

A woman happy, so that when I
get married, my wife and I will
able to combine our prayers.

Get married, my wife and I will
able to combine our prayers.
Oh, good idea.

Able to combine our prayers.
Oh, good idea.
Hey, I bet miss censordoll

Oh, good idea.
Hey, I bet miss censordoll
the librarian would know.

Hey, I bet miss censordoll
the librarian would know.
Make a woman happy?

The librarian would know.
Make a woman happy?
Who put such filthy ideas

Make a woman happy?
Who put such filthy ideas
in your head?

Who put such filthy ideas
in your head?
Reverend putty.

In your head?
Reverend putty.
Putty, eh?

Reverend putty.
Putty, eh?
Hmm.

Putty, eh?
Hmm.
Well, a little picketing in

Hmm.
Well, a little picketing in
front of the holy building

Well, a little picketing in
front of the holy building
should cool his ardor.

Front of the holy building
should cool his ardor.
Thanks for testifying, orel.

Should cool his ardor.
Thanks for testifying, orel.
You're dismissed.

Thanks for testifying, orel.
You're dismissed.
But--

You're dismissed.
But--
I said you're dismissed.

Clean, clean, clean.
Hey, mom.
I need to talk to you.

Hey, mom.
I need to talk to you.
Can't you talk to your

I need to talk to you.
Can't you talk to your
father?

Can't you talk to your
father?
I'm very busy.

Father?
I'm very busy.
These cleaning products are

I'm very busy.
These cleaning products are
filthy.

These cleaning products are
filthy.
But I want to make sure

Filthy.
But I want to make sure
I get to heaven.

But I want to make sure
I get to heaven.
It'll just have to wait.

I get to heaven.
It'll just have to wait.
After this, I need to sweep

It'll just have to wait.
After this, I need to sweep
the upstairs vacuum cleaner.

After this, I need to sweep
the upstairs vacuum cleaner.
Oh, ok.

[Grunting]

Son of a--
[knock on door]
yeah?

[Knock on door]
yeah?
Hey, dad.

Yeah?
Hey, dad.
What's up, kiddo?

Hey, dad.
What's up, kiddo?
I was wondering what's

What's up, kiddo?
I was wondering what's
the best way to find out what

I was wondering what's
the best way to find out what
your wife needs to be happy?

The best way to find out what
your wife needs to be happy?
Well, I suppose the best way

Your wife needs to be happy?
Well, I suppose the best way
to know what any woman needs is

Well, I suppose the best way
to know what any woman needs is
to read about what other men

To know what any woman needs is
to read about what other men
think women need.

To read about what other men
think women need.
What kind of men?

Think women need.
What kind of men?
Men who have already been

What kind of men?
Men who have already been
hurt and scarred.

Men who have already been
hurt and scarred.
Men who don't want other men to

Hurt and scarred.
Men who don't want other men to
go through the same traumas.

Men who don't want other men to
go through the same traumas.
There's a rich amount of

Go through the same traumas.
There's a rich amount of
information out there in

There's a rich amount of
information out there in
magazines devoted to these

Information out there in
magazines devoted to these
things.

Magazines devoted to these
things.
Wow.

Things.
Wow.
Hmm.

Wow.
Hmm.
Oh.

Hmm.
Oh.
Huh.

Oh.
Huh.
Um, the comics might be

Huh.
Um, the comics might be
a little heady in that magazine,

Um, the comics might be
a little heady in that magazine,
orel.

A little heady in that magazine,
orel.
That's ok, mr. Figurelli.

Orel.
That's ok, mr. Figurelli.
I'm reading the articles.

That's ok, mr. Figurelli.
I'm reading the articles.
In that thing?

I'm reading the articles.
In that thing?
Why?

In that thing?
Why?
Because I want my prayers to

Why?
Because I want my prayers to
always be heard.

Because I want my prayers to
always be heard.
Oh, well, in that case,

Always be heard.
Oh, well, in that case,
try this one.

Oh, well, in that case,
try this one.
It's a moralton favorite.

Try this one.
It's a moralton favorite.
Gee, thanks, mr. Figurelli.

It's a moralton favorite.
Gee, thanks, mr. Figurelli.
[Gasps]

Gee, thanks, mr. Figurelli.
[Gasps]
gosh!

¶ Other guys' tongues
have been in your mouth
yeah, other guys' tongues

Have been in your mouth
yeah, other guys' tongues
have been in your mouth

Yeah, other guys' tongues
have been in your mouth
but that's ok

Have been in your mouth
but that's ok
'cause you brushed your teeth

But that's ok
'cause you brushed your teeth
and other girls' tongues

'Cause you brushed your teeth
and other girls' tongues
have been in my mouth... ¶

And other girls' tongues
have been in my mouth... ¶
Excuse me.

Have been in my mouth... ¶
Excuse me.
Hey.

Excuse me.
Hey.
You're short.

Hey.
You're short.
Oh, yeah.

You're short.
Oh, yeah.
Don't sweat it.

Oh, yeah.
Don't sweat it.
I like shorties.

Don't sweat it.
I like shorties.
Thanks.

I like shorties.
Thanks.
I need to get something

Thanks.
I need to get something
for my wife.

I need to get something
for my wife.
Your wife, huh?

For my wife.
Your wife, huh?
Any kids?

Your wife, huh?
Any kids?
No.

Any kids?
No.
Just me.

No.
Just me.
I mean--

Just me.
I mean--
mm-hmm.

I mean--
mm-hmm.
What do you need?

Mm-hmm.
What do you need?
I would like a piercing

What do you need?
I would like a piercing
that will...

I would like a piercing
that will...
Increase the pleasure

That will...
Increase the pleasure
of intercourse.

Increase the pleasure
of intercourse.
Aren't you a little short

Of intercourse.
Aren't you a little short
for one of those?

Aren't you a little short
for one of those?
Please, ma'am.

For one of those?
Please, ma'am.
It means so much.

Please, ma'am.
It means so much.
Well, in this town, I guess

It means so much.
Well, in this town, I guess
I could have used someone

Well, in this town, I guess
I could have used someone
like me when I was your height.

I could have used someone
like me when I was your height.
Ok, kid.

Like me when I was your height.
Ok, kid.
I'm gonna give you a prince

Ok, kid.
I'm gonna give you a prince
albert.

I'm gonna give you a prince
albert.
Prince albert?

Albert.
Prince albert?
That's right.

Prince albert?
That's right.
I'm gonna put one of these

That's right.
I'm gonna put one of these
through your johnston.

I'm gonna put one of these
through your johnston.
Then when you're finally tall

Through your johnston.
Then when you're finally tall
enough to drive it home, your

Then when you're finally tall
enough to drive it home, your
good lady wife will be squealing

Enough to drive it home, your
good lady wife will be squealing
like she's won a year's supply

Good lady wife will be squealing
like she's won a year's supply
of pantyhose.

Like she's won a year's supply
of pantyhose.
Wow.

Of pantyhose.
Wow.
A year's?

Wow.
A year's?
Sounds perfect!

A year's?
Sounds perfect!
Let's do it.

Sounds perfect!
Let's do it.
Hooray for me.

Let's do it.
Hooray for me.
Let's go in the back.

Hooray for me.
Let's go in the back.
Drop trou and hop on the table.

Let's go in the back.
Drop trou and hop on the table.
Drop trou?

Drop trou and hop on the table.
Drop trou?
Yeah.

Drop trou?
Yeah.
I can't pierce you through your

Yeah.
I can't pierce you through your
tighty whities.

[Gulps]
so, are you married?
No.

So, are you married?
No.
Oh, but god needs you

No.
Oh, but god needs you
and your husband to be one

Oh, but god needs you
and your husband to be one
so he'll listen to your prayers?

And your husband to be one
so he'll listen to your prayers?
God?

So he'll listen to your prayers?
God?
You are adorable.

God?
You are adorable.
Yow!

You are adorable.
Yow!
That scream--

Yow!
That scream--
that means it worked.

[Groaning]
what happened?
My johnston!

What happened?
My johnston!
Don't worry about her.

My johnston!
Don't worry about her.
She's fine.

Don't worry about her.
She's fine.
I platonically applied some

She's fine.
I platonically applied some
salve to the sensitive areas.

I platonically applied some
salve to the sensitive areas.
Oh.

Salve to the sensitive areas.
Oh.
You know, you're different from

Oh.
You know, you're different from
other ladies here in moralton.

You know, you're different from
other ladies here in moralton.
No.

Other ladies here in moralton.
No.
Yeah.

No.
Yeah.
Well, there's just something--

Yeah.
Well, there's just something--
I don't know how to

Well, there's just something--
I don't know how to
describe you.

I don't know how to
describe you.
Pierced?

Describe you.
Pierced?
No.

Pierced?
No.
I mean, your personality.

No.
I mean, your personality.
It's not like my teacher

I mean, your personality.
It's not like my teacher
or my mom or my librarian.

It's not like my teacher
or my mom or my librarian.
You are--

Or my mom or my librarian.
You are--
uh, warm?

You are--
uh, warm?
Yeah.

Uh, warm?
Yeah.
Warm.

Yeah.
Warm.
You really stand out that way.

Warm.
You really stand out that way.
Hmm.

You really stand out that way.
Hmm.
Ok.

Hmm.
Ok.
You're done.

Ok.
You're done.
Thanks.

You're done.
Thanks.
Do I need to do anything

Thanks.
Do I need to do anything
special?

Do I need to do anything
special?
Apart from keeping it clean,

Special?
Apart from keeping it clean,
just try not to do any splits

Apart from keeping it clean,
just try not to do any splits
on the way home.

Just try not to do any splits
on the way home.
Thank you, um--

On the way home.
Thank you, um--
stephanie.

Thank you, um--
stephanie.
I'm orel..

Stephanie.
I'm orel..
A pleasure, orel.

I'm orel..
A pleasure, orel.
Take care.

A pleasure, orel.
Take care.
And here.

Take care.
And here.
Have a bottle of this

And here.
Have a bottle of this
on the house.

Have a bottle of this
on the house.
It'll help with the initial

On the house.
It'll help with the initial
soreness.

It'll help with the initial
soreness.
Gee, thanks, stephanie.

Soreness.
Gee, thanks, stephanie.
Bye.

Gee, thanks, stephanie.
Bye.
Ow.

Bye.
Ow.
Ooh.

Ow.
Ooh.
[Chattering]

Ooh.
[Chattering]
good practice today, boys.

[Chattering]
good practice today, boys.
Now let's get those dirty butts

Good practice today, boys.
Now let's get those dirty butts
in the showers, pronto.

Now let's get those dirty butts
in the showers, pronto.
Thanks, coach.

In the showers, pronto.
Thanks, coach.
Good work, tommy.

Thanks, coach.
Good work, tommy.
Thanks, coach.

Good work, tommy.
Thanks, coach.
Clean yourself up, billy.

Thanks, coach.
Clean yourself up, billy.
Ok, coach.

Clean yourself up, billy.
Ok, coach.
Hiya, coach stopframe.

Ok, coach.
Hiya, coach stopframe.
Get a move on...

Hiya, coach stopframe.
Get a move on...
Ow.

Get a move on...
Ow.
Orel.

Clay, it's danielle.
Saw a little addition to your
son's anatomy just now,

Saw a little addition to your
son's anatomy just now,
and I'm hoping it's not genetic.

Son's anatomy just now,
and I'm hoping it's not genetic.
[Chuckles]

And I'm hoping it's not genetic.
[Chuckles]
ooh!

[Chuckles]
ooh!
Hey, orel.

Ooh!
Hey, orel.
How's mrs. Johnston's new hat?

Hey, orel.
How's mrs. Johnston's new hat?
Oh, well, she's just great,

How's mrs. Johnston's new hat?
Oh, well, she's just great,
stephanie.

Oh, well, she's just great,
stephanie.
It's barely intolerable.

Stephanie.
It's barely intolerable.
Um, I was wondering.

It's barely intolerable.
Um, I was wondering.
Do you need anyone to help

Um, I was wondering.
Do you need anyone to help
out around the shop--

Do you need anyone to help
out around the shop--
for when it gets busy?

Out around the shop--
for when it gets busy?
Busy?

For when it gets busy?
Busy?
This store?

Busy?
This store?
In moralton?

This store?
In moralton?
What?

In moralton?
What?
Hey, hey, if I get another

What?
Hey, hey, if I get another
piercing, how long would it

Hey, hey, if I get another
piercing, how long would it
take?

Piercing, how long would it
take?
Could I be here all day?

Take?
Could I be here all day?
Look.

Could I be here all day?
Look.
I know you like it here with me.

Look.
I know you like it here with me.
I like you, too, but, face it,

I know you like it here with me.
I like you, too, but, face it,
shorty, you're gonna need some

I like you, too, but, face it,
shorty, you're gonna need some
time out in that sun if you're

Shorty, you're gonna need some
time out in that sun if you're
ever gonna grow.

Time out in that sun if you're
ever gonna grow.
You're a good kid.

Ever gonna grow.
You're a good kid.
Just stay that way, and that'll

You're a good kid.
Just stay that way, and that'll
be all you need to make your

Just stay that way, and that'll
be all you need to make your
woman happy.

Be all you need to make your
woman happy.
Ok.

Woman happy.
Ok.
Ow.

Ok.
Ow.
You know, you really should

Ow.
You know, you really should
think about getting married.

You know, you really should
think about getting married.
You'd make a pretty good mom.

Think about getting married.
You'd make a pretty good mom.
Thanks.

You'd make a pretty good mom.
Thanks.
Take care, orel.

Thanks.
Take care, orel.
Ow.

Take care, orel.
Ow.
Ooh!

Ow.
Ooh!
Ow!

Ooh!
Ow!
Uh-oh.

Ow!
Uh-oh.
Maternal pang.

Uh-oh.
Maternal pang.
[Sighs]

Maternal pang.
[Sighs]
all gone.

[Sighs]
all gone.
[Tires squeal]

All gone.
[Tires squeal]
hi, dad.

[Tires squeal]
hi, dad.
Express bus.

Hi, dad.
Express bus.
One way only to my study.

Express bus.
One way only to my study.
Pronto.

One way only to my study.
Pronto.
[Gulps]

Pronto.
[Gulps]
reverend putty's mind is

[Gulps]
reverend putty's mind is
smutty.

Reverend putty's mind is
smutty.
Boo!

Smutty.
Boo!
Stay out!

Boo!
Stay out!
Sinner!

Stay out!
Sinner!
Orel, I want you to stay away

Sinner!
Orel, I want you to stay away
from that person.

Orel, I want you to stay away
from that person.
But, dad, she has such

From that person.
But, dad, she has such
a warm attitude.

But, dad, she has such
a warm attitude.
Warm attitude?

A warm attitude.
Warm attitude?
You kids today and your slang.

Warm attitude?
You kids today and your slang.
It's true.

You kids today and your slang.
It's true.
She's very pleasant.

It's true.
She's very pleasant.
Son, she's only pleasant

She's very pleasant.
Son, she's only pleasant
because she's different.

Son, she's only pleasant
because she's different.
Remember that.

Because she's different.
Remember that.
When you're normal like everyone

Remember that.
When you're normal like everyone
else here in moralton, you have

When you're normal like everyone
else here in moralton, you have
the luxury of not being

Else here in moralton, you have
the luxury of not being
pleasant.

The luxury of not being
pleasant.
Now, what possessed you to go in

Pleasant.
Now, what possessed you to go in
there in the first place?

Now, what possessed you to go in
there in the first place?
Well, I read in the magazine

There in the first place?
Well, I read in the magazine
that a piercing on my johnston

Well, I read in the magazine
that a piercing on my johnston
would make my wife happy.

That a piercing on my johnston
would make my wife happy.
You don't have a wife.

Would make my wife happy.
You don't have a wife.
I know.

You don't have a wife.
I know.
But you know me, dad,

I know.
But you know me, dad,
sometimes I just can't wait to

But you know me, dad,
sometimes I just can't wait to
start doing the right thing.

Sometimes I just can't wait to
start doing the right thing.
I figured it's never too soon to

Start doing the right thing.
I figured it's never too soon to
do god's work.

I figured it's never too soon to
do god's work.
Orel, women don't need all

Do god's work.
Orel, women don't need all
these fancy bells and whistles

Orel, women don't need all
these fancy bells and whistles
to be happy.

These fancy bells and whistles
to be happy.
Yeah.

To be happy.
Yeah.
I know that now.

Yeah.
I know that now.
In fact, your mother doesn't

I know that now.
In fact, your mother doesn't
care one lick about that part of

In fact, your mother doesn't
care one lick about that part of
our relationship.

Care one lick about that part of
our relationship.
All a woman really needs to be

Our relationship.
All a woman really needs to be
happy is a few little hungry

All a woman really needs to be
happy is a few little hungry
mouths to feed and some dirt to

Happy is a few little hungry
mouths to feed and some dirt to
clean up.

Mouths to feed and some dirt to
clean up.
Really?

Clean up.
Really?
That's it?

Really?
That's it?
Yep.

That's it?
Yep.
That's why they're smarter than

Yep.
That's why they're smarter than
us.

That's why they're smarter than
us.
They found out the simple

Us.
They found out the simple
way to be happy.

Wow.
Now let's go make your mom
even happier and eat her food.

¶ Well, there's been a lot of
nights and years in my life
sometimes we got lonely

Nights and years in my life
sometimes we got lonely
so we just got by

Sometimes we got lonely
so we just got by
and we both felt love

So we just got by
and we both felt love
for somebody else

And we both felt love
for somebody else
and other people's tongues

For somebody else
and other people's tongues
ended up in our mouths

And other people's tongues
ended up in our mouths
yeah, other people's tongues

Ended up in our mouths
yeah, other people's tongues
ended up... ¶

¶ In our mouths ¶

¶ It doesn't mean we're cheap
it doesn't mean we're bad
that we did the best we could

It doesn't mean we're bad
that we did the best we could
with the things we had

That we did the best we could
with the things we had
and old lovers aren't ghosts

With the things we had
and old lovers aren't ghosts
they're just part of who we are

And old lovers aren't ghosts
they're just part of who we are
and your tongue's in your mouth

They're just part of who we are
and your tongue's in your mouth
and my tongue's in my mouth

And your tongue's in your mouth
and my tongue's in my mouth
yeah, your tongue's

And my tongue's in my mouth
yeah, your tongue's
in your mouth

Yeah, your tongue's
in your mouth
and my tongue's in my mouth

In your mouth
and my tongue's in my mouth
most of the time

And my tongue's in my mouth
most of the time
your tongue's in your mouth

Most of the time
your tongue's in your mouth
and most of the time

Your tongue's in your mouth
and most of the time
my tongue's in my mouth ¶

And most of the time
my tongue's in my mouth ¶
[captioning made possible by

My tongue's in my mouth ¶
hello, good-bye.