01x04 - The Nine Lives of Batman/Long John Joker/Rain of Iron/Double Trouble, Double Doom

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin,
pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

BATMAN:
Hang on, Robin.

-Where are we, Batman?
-We'll find out in--

Look out.

Boy, that was close.

Come on.

Only a reflection of our headlights
in this mirror.

What have we gotten into now?

CATWOMAN:
Won't you come in, please?

That voice.

It's the Catwoman.

How nice of you to remember, Batman.

What's your game, Catwoman?

You Caped Crusaders
have been my nemesis for too long.

So you must cease to exist.

I warn you, Catwoman,
you're not playing with mice.

[LAUGHS]

I know.

I am playing
with the world's greatest escape artists.

Therefore, I offer you a challenge.

Since a cat has nine lives, Batman...

...I have set nine lethal traps...

...which I have spent years devising.

I expect you to survive one, two,
perhaps more.

But I know you cannot survive them all.

The mirror wall. Batarang.

[CATWOMAN LAUGHS]

My friends, you cannot get out safely...

...except through one of those doors,
the one which leads to freedom.

Where did she go?

An old stage illusion, Robin.
I'll explain it to you later.

Let's pick a number, Robin.
How about starting at the top?

[GROWLING]

Good work, Robin.

Move slowly. Back.

Good shot, Batman.

The Catwoman.

ROBIN:
She was inside the cage all the time.

Now that you're trapped here with us,
Catwoman...

...will you show us the door
that leads out?

-Never.
-All right.

Then we'll try them all together.

No. Not that one.

Now will you show us the safe one?

All right. I'll show you.

Come.

This is a tunnel
leading back to the surface.

Follow me.

NARRATOR: But the felonious female
is not giving up so easily.

For on the surface,
the Catmen rig a surprise...

...in case the Dynamic Duo
should escape.

Okay, Cat. Fix the b*mb now.

Here's where I leave you, gentlemen.

ROBIN: Gas.
-Batmasks. Quickly.

Now, let's settle with Catwoman
once and for all.

There she goes.

The b*mb's set to explode
when they hit 60 miles an hour.

CATWOMAN:
Good. Here we go.

[BEEPING]

The electronic b*mb detector.

It's set for 60. Hang on for a Bat-stop.

[expl*si*n]

The b*mb.

[LAUGHS]

And the end of the Dynamic Duo.

ROBIN:
You got away just in time, Batman.

Now, let's put Catwoman away.

No, Robin. Let her think we're dead.
That'll give us freedom to operate.

Come on. Let's go home.

They escaped the b*mb.

But no matter. By tomorrow,
Batman will no longer be a threat...

...for then I will know his secret identity.

NARRATOR: Later, in stately Wayne Manor,
an incredible phenomenon occurs.

Bruce. You--

You too. We're both glowing.

Mr. Wayne, uh, Master d*ck.

This glow won't come out
of your costumes.

I've tried everything.

And, oh, yes, the Batphone, sir.
Commissioner Gordon.

Batman, a devastating tape recording was
just delivered by messenger to my office.

You must hear it at once. Listen.

CATWOMAN [ON RECORDING]:
By now, Batman and Robin...

...you know that the gas
in the tunnel was radioactive.

Your bodies will glow,
shine like beacons for 24 hours.

When you appear in public
in your secret identities...

...I will know who you are.

Your careers as crime fighters
will be over.

What does this mean, Batman?

BRUCE [OVER RADIO]: I call back
and tell you, commissioner. Goodbye.

Big deal. We don't go out as Bruce Wayne
and d*ck Grayson for 24 hours, that's all.

No, d*ck, it's not so simple.

Tomorrow is election day and Bruce Wayne
must go to the polls to vote.

-It's my duty as a citizen.
-But you can't, Bruce.

Catwoman will know you're Batman.

Maybe.
Unless we can break down this chemical.

Come on. To the Batlab.

NARRATOR: The next day,
all Gotham City turns out to vote.

And watching
from her secret observation post...

...Catwoman suddenly gets the answer
she has been waiting for.

Now I know for sure.

Millionaire Bruce Wayne is Batman.

NARRATOR:
Disaster of disasters.

Catwoman has discovered
Batman's true identity.

Or has she?

Stay tuned for the incredible second part
of “The Nine Lives of Batman."

Coming up next.

By now, Batman and Robin...

...you know that the gas
in the tunnel was radioactive.

Your bodies will glow,
shine like beacons for 24 hours.

When you appear in public
in your secret identities...

...I will know who you are.

Your careers as crime fighters
will be over.

NARRATOR:
Having perpetrated her perfidious ploy...

...Catwoman waits smugly...

...for the Caped Crusader
to reveal his true identity.

CATWOMAN:
Millionaire Bruce Wayne.

He must be Batman.

NARRATOR:
But can you be sure, Catwoman?

Isn't that Commissioner Gordon
glowing too?

And Chief O'Hara?

[GROWLS]

Batman tricked me.

Commissioner, why do you suppose
Batman asked you to have Mr. Wayne...

...and us sprayed
with this awful glowing chemical?

Beats me, Chief O'Hara.

One doesn't question the Caped Crusader
when he makes a request, does one?

Come in, Robin. Report.

Nothing suspicious yet, Batman.

Batman and Robin just started transmitting
on a high sonic frequency, Catwoman.

Can our new remote-control,
anti-burglar alarm cut-off jam it, Tabby?

Oh, sure. Easy.

There's the Boy Wonder
in the Batmobile.

I'll make sure he sees me,
and then start up fast.

Catwoman.

Robin to Batman. I've spotted her.

TABBY: He's sending.
-Jam his signal.

She's in a "Miss Kitty's Woolen Mill"
truck.

Am in pursuit. Out.

Come in. Come in, Robin.

Hmm. That's odd.

-And you haven't heard from Robin, Alfred?
-No, Mr. Wayne.

It's not like him to miss a radio check.

TABBY:
Looking for something, Wonder Boy?

The cat's meows.

I'm worried, Alfred.
Robin's way overdue.

I shouldn't worry too much, sir.
He is rather resourceful, you know?

There. His homing radar signal
will bring Batman right to us.

I think I'd better--

Wait, sir.
It's Master Robin's homing signal.

Good lad. Stand by for contact, Alfred.
I'll find him with the Batcopter.

I'm getting very close.

CATWOMAN [OVER SPEAKER]:
Just close enough, Batman.

You want Robin?

Go get him in that tank.

Hang on, chum.
You'll be out in a second.

-No. Don't. The tank's wired.
BATMAN: Great g*ns.

-If I break that glass...
CATWOMAN: There'll be a loud boon.

[CATWOMAN LAUGHS]

The Batpulley will do it.

Hang on, Robin.

He carries a hardware store
in that belt of his.

Release the ring of fire.

Boy. Wait till I get that Catwoman.

Easy, chum. Let's keep our cool.

That's going to be hard to do, Batman.
Look.

-Know what we can do?
-The water tank.

Check. Load Batslings
with expl*sive pellets.

Hurry. Now.

[CATWOMAN PURRS]

CATWOMAN: I knew I would get them
one way or another.

Quicksand, Caped Crusaders.

The world's most dangerous
natural k*ller.

Tonight, Tabby, we celebrate.

Every jewelry store, every safe,
every bank is ours for the taking.

Won't that be nice?

[CHUCKLES]

Have you worked your hands free yet?

Just about.

Good. Activate your jet heel units
and let's hope they work.

[RUMBLING]

NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
at the Gotham Diamond Exchange...

...the feline felon and her terrible tabbies
indulge in a spree of stealing.

TABBY:
When the Bat's away...

The cats can play.

[TABBY & CATWOMAN CHUCKLE]

-You.
-How'd you bypass our anti-alarm cut-out?

If you could jam our sonic frequency,
we can jam yours.

ROBIN:
And we just did.

[CATWOMAN GROWLS]

Get them.

ROBIN:
Watch out, Batman.

I hate to cast pearls before swine, but...

Look, Batman.
Catwoman's getting away.

I'll get her.

There you are. Snug as a bug.

[GRUMBLING]

Tricked. Trapped.

So, what else is new, Pussycat?

The game is yours, Batman,
but you've used up your nine lives.

When we meet again,
and I promise you we will...

...there will be a different ending.

The tantalizing tigress of terror
is behind real bars now...

...thanks to you, Caped Crusaders.

She wasn't easy, sir.

Yes, she gave us a workout,
commissioner...

...and I'm ready for a short rest.

You mean like a catnap? Hmm?

[ALL LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: If's night in Gotham State
Penitentiary where, even behind bars...

...the persistent Penguin hatches a scheme
to further his criminal career.

Tonight, dear roommate...

...Is the night I launch the first
in a series of perfect crimes.

All of which will be blamed
on the Dynamic Duo.

[CHUCKLES]

Be back before dawn.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH THEN CHUCKLES]

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor...

This rook reminds me, Bruce...

...we haven't had any trouble
with our friend the Penguin lately.

Have you forgotten he's safely tucked away
in Gotham Pen, d*ck?

Oh, that's right.

How you gonna get into the museum,
Penguin?

If you even touch that wall,
the alarm goes off.

Who's gonna touch the wall?

And as for the rest of the alarm system...

...it's about to blow a fuse.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah. The magnificent Maltese Bat.

You, my million-dollar bird,
belong in my private aviary.

Now, where shall I leave
the incriminating evidence?

Ah, there's a likely spot.

[CHUCKLES]

Talk your way out of that, Batman.

[CHUCKLES]

Beautiful. Home, James.

[ALARM BEEPS]

ROBIN:
The Batsignal.

Something's up. Let's go. To the Batcave.

It's unbelievable, Commissioner Gordon.

Nobody with the exception
of Batman himself...

...could get over the wall
without tripping the alarm.

Not quite true.

We know the Penguin
often defies the laws of gravity.

But the Penguin's in jail, Batman.

-Look what I found.
-A Batarang. But-- But what--?

No doubt used to shatter the case.

Do you realize what you are suggesting,
man?

Yes, sir.
But who else has a better reason...

...for wanting the Maltese Bat
than Batman himself?

-What is it, commissioner?
-Well, uh, Batman, we found this Batarang.

-They're wise to us, Robin. Run for it.
-Huh?

-What?
BATMAN: Go.

Stop him.

Our act seems to have been
pretty convincing, d*ck.

Yeah, but do you think that will bring
the real crook out in the open?

Yes, he'll try it again.

PENGUIN:
Don't wait up for me.

[CHUCKLING]

I've got a busy night ahead.

O'HARA:
Assuming they've turned to crime...

...how do we track down
the Caped Crusaders...

...since we don't know
their true identities?

It's axiomatic, O'Hara.

Once a person turns his hand to crime,
it becomes a habit.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

-Yes?
MAN: We've just received a report...

...that there's some suspicious activity
in the Gotham National Bank.

The Gotham National Bank?

That might be our man, Robin.
To the Batmobile.

I want a close-up of that thing.

PHOTOGRAPHER: What is it?
-A Batbeam. Batman's own invention.

Can burn a hole
through even a steel vault door.

Can you tell what they're saying?

BATMAN: The commissioner has found
a Batbeam g*n by the door of the vault.

Holy frame-up.
How can he fall for such obvious clues?

Hmm. That's why I think
they're overlooking something more subtle.

-We've got to give that place the once-over.
-But how?

If we go down there,
the police will be all over us.

Check. So we'll settle for the film
in that camera. Come on.

GORDON:
I want those photographs rushed--

MAN: Hey.
-Look out.

BATMAN:
Scratches on the floor, Robin...

...appear to be made by hobnails,
such as on prison work boots.

Prison? You mean, you think it was--?

The Penguin.
He's broken out of prison before.

-If he can do that, why couldn't he also--?
-Break back into prison?

Holy airtight alibi.

Exactly.
Now, next time we pick up a police alert...

...we head for the Gotham Penitentiary.

PENGUIN: You stash the loot
while I return to my cell.

[PENGUIN CHUCKLES]

It's Batman.

What is this? Stop. Wait.

Help!

[GRUNTING]

You idiots.

And that's how we wound it up.
Of course, Mr. Wayne, ha, ha...

...we knew Batman was play-acting
all the time.

We, uh, just, uh,
played along with him, you see.

Of course, commissioner.

A crafty bird, the Penguin,
but he can't fool you.

Well, no, no, no.

Not often, that is.