01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

- Blue Ribbon Content presents

"Batman: The Audio Adventures."

- Thank you for agreeing
to answer a few questions

on the record, Dr. Arkham.

- I didn't agree to anything.
Are you tape recording this?

Who are you?
- [chuckles] I'm sorry.

Vicki Vale, "Gotham Gazette."
[sirens wailing]

Is it true only a single inmate
escaped the asylum

in this breakout?

- Breakout, who's calling it--

nobody's calling this
a breakout.

- Units respond for a 225,

that's a breakout
at Arkham Asylum.

- Okay, yes,
we've had a patient make

an unauthorized excursion
from the campus.

- It looks like he smashed
a hole in the wall

of your asylum, Dr. Arkham.

- He hastened some long-planned
renovations, Ms. Vale.

- So it is a he?
- I didn't-I didn't say that--

- Is the escapee named
Edward Nygma, Dr. Arkham?

- If we had a patient
by that name

receiving treatment here,
I wouldn't tell you.

- Is the Riddler loose
in Gotham again, Dr. Arkham?

The people of the city
have a right to know.

- There is no Riddler,
Ms. Vale.

The so-called Riddler
is the fantasy persona

of a delusional narcissist,

and to even mention that name
gives validity

to a violent
and misanthropic pathology.

- Are you saying the Riddler is
not loose, Dr. Arkham?

- I can neither confirm
nor deny.

- All right then,
thank you for your time.

Just one last question,

what's the difference
between Gotham City

and a pile of dead morons?

- What did you say?

- It's what's written
on this bright green envelope

the "Gazette" received
an hour ago.

Oh, no, wait, wait,
the answer is inside.

"What's the difference
between Gotham City

"and a pile of dead morons?

Nothing can hurt the pile
of dead morons anymore."

Signed, "the Riddler."

Care to comment?

- Security, remove this woman!

- Back off.
I know the way out.

[tape stops]

[smooth music]

- Gotham, a city wrought
from shadows

by the ceaseless hammering
of a blind smith.

Join us now for a tale of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."

February 4th.

The Batman is
a newly deputized member

of the Gotham City
Police Department,

and coincident
with this development,

Gotham City's criminal
powder keg explodes.

Not only is the Riddler
at large,

Two-Face is
deteriorating mentally,

his gangland rival the Penguin
has slipped the noose

of justice once again,

and the Joker has
threatened citywide mayhem

on Valentine's Day.

A volatile mixture is
precariously placed,

and now is agitated
by a passing cat.

[cat meows]

- [laughing]

♪ ♪

- As we resume our adventures,

the tattered night sky
over Gotham City is split

in two by the urgent blaze
of the Bat-Signal.

Many a common criminal
looks at this night

to regard it with fear
and respect.

But from a window in the
extravagant mayor's residence,

the signal is viewed by
a somewhat more jaundiced eye.

- [blows raspberry]

The Bat-Signal.
[scoffs]

- Welcome
to the elegant private study

of his honor,
the mayor of Gotham City.

Excuse the violent disarray.

His honor has just been
robbed blind.

The man himself stands
amongst the ransacked ruin

of his personal sanctum,
gazing out the window alone,

or so he believes.

- Pfft, look at that.

Our police department
relies upon help

from a sadist in a bat costume.
[chuckles]

And we as a city
advertise the fact

with a searchlight no less!
[laughs]

I mean, come on, what a joke.

- Statistics don't have a sense
of humor, Mayor Hill.

- Ahh!
[glass breaks]

What the--oh, my God!

- The mayor turns around slowly
to meet the scowling gaze

of the fearsome constable
of the darkness

known as the Batman.

- As predicted, petty crime
rates have already plummeted.

Thank the signal for that.

A little light always
makes the vermin scurry back

to the shadows.

- Hey, this place was robbed
hours ago, pal.

It's about time you showed up.

- I'm not on your schedule.

If you haven't heard,

the Riddler escaped Arkham
last night.

I'm only here as a favor
to Commissioner Gordon.

- Favor, oh, okay.
Well, you know what?

It's the least you can do,
all right?

'Cause, you know,
it's one of yours

that did this.

- Not one of mine.
Catwoman is a criminal.

- Oh, yeah?
Oh.

Well, remember,
that's what you were

until a few weeks ago, okay?

Before we normalized insanity.

Hey, do you want a drink,
by the way?

I'm kidding.
I need all this whiskey.

- Catwoman doesn't work for me,
Mayor Hill.

She's a citizen
of the criminal underworld.

And I don't endorse
her activities.

- No, no, no, no, no,
doesn't matter.

They're all a part
of your lunatic parade, buddy.

The Joker, you got
that goony bird Harvey Dent,

the-the damn crocodile man
in the sewers, heh,

come on, they're all
following your lead, pal.

- Looks like Catwoman
came to rob you

and stayed to vandalize.

- Wow, you really are
the world's greatest detective,

aren't you?

- She didn't come in here
with an ax to grind,

but then she saw
this hunting trophy.

You weren't getting off easy
once she saw the taxidermy.

- Uh-uh, no,
I get enough of this online.

I am not apologizing, okay?

I shot that lion
myself legally.

- I believe you.

This animal was clearly raised
on a farm,

probably hand-fed until the day
it was turned loose

to get shot
by an inebriated stooge.

- That--hey!
- What did she take?

- W--I mean, I don't know.

I had cash, had some watches
locked up over, uh, there.

I don't know how she got
that safe open though--

- I do.
Your wall safe is an antique.

She had it cracked
in 30 seconds

with software you can download
for free.

But you didn't call me
to get your watches back.

What was in the safe?

- No, I already told you.
I told you.

- And?

- And, well, I mean,
maybe there was a hard drive.

- A hard drive?
- Oh, yeah, yep, yeah.

A lot of sensitive information
on there,

city planning stuff, and--

- But also?

- But also, you know,
some sensitive videos.

It's--Okay, listen, okay?

This is why I had Gordon
call you, okay?

I hear that she's got
a chip on her shoulder

about this kind of thing.

You know, this...

- Is it women, Mayor Hill?

Are you brokering female
companionship for your cronies?

- Am I--[laughs incredulously]
am I what? No!

Brokering?
Come on.

No, this video was purely
for entertainment purposes.

You know, it was like
more of a,

you know, like,
a fashion show,

like, a ladies' fashion show
kind of thing,

a private beauty pageant
arranged

for well-connected businessmen
who used assumed names

when placing bids
on the women--look, hey.

Look, don't judge me, okay?
They were all adults.

Everybody involved,
consenting adults.

Well, you know,
implied consent.

They were here, weren't they?

'Cause it's actually very hard
to hear clearly

through the masks sometimes.

Well, hell,
you obviously understand

what I'm talking about.

Look at you, you know,
you rock a mask 24/7,

but, look, speaking of consent,
okay, the footage--

- Is from the hidden camera
over your desk.

- Is kind of
from a hidden camera,

and it's--look, hey,
it's probably gonna look bad,

and during the video,
I'm not wearing clothes,

oh, roughly the whole time,

and I hear Catwoman's--look,
I hear she's a psycho

about this
and the whole appearance

of female exploitation--
adjacent activities,

so how do you want to do this?

How do you want
to handle protecting me?

Are you--sorry, are you cooking
up a bat plan right now,

or how does it work?

It's tough to see your eyes
in there.

- You're on your own.
- What?

- The caped crusader steps
onto the window ledge.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're just leaving?

Okay, what about when she sees
what's on the drive?

- She's going to come back
for you.

Here's my advice.
- sh**t.

- Tomorrow, you will announce
a new city program

to combat
the teen runaway problem.

- Absolutely.

- You will make
a large personal donation

to the battered
women's shelter.

- No problem.
- You will immediately dispose

of these hunting trophies.

- [sighs] Fine.

- And you will
adopt a rescue cat.

- A rescue cat?

Aw, sh--
- On second thought, adopt two.

It's still going to go very
badly for you, your honor,

but possibly less so.

- Okay, you're gonna leave me
to her, great, okay.

And what about that whole

"I don't endorse
her activities" thing?

- This isn't an endorsement.
I just know cats.

They don't take orders,
but they do take offense.

And when they take offense,
they don't underreact.

- Aw, come on, man!

Batman, come on,
I'm begging, okay?

You can do something
about this 'cause look,

from what I've heard--

- You heard what?

- Well, I mean,
I heard that the two of you,

you know...get under the mask
a little bit.

- I'm sure you
entertain a variety

of sad fantasies,
but the truth is this.

I offered Catwoman a chance
to go legit.

She turned me down.

She doesn't believe
in the system.

I know without the system,
Gotham devours itself

until there's nothing left.

- Okay, okay, that's great.

Okay, so you've clearly thought
a lot about this

and what it means to you,

but now what am I supposed
to do, buddy?

- Leave town if you want,

but it's over quicker for
the mouse if he doesn't run.

- With a sudden lunge,
the Batman dives

out of the window
and sails upon the winds

of the night
like his namesake.

Staggering through
the ransacked office

with a look of blank defeat,

Mayor Hill sits back down
at his desk.

- [grunts]

Doris.
- Yes, Mr. Mayor?

- Doris, I, uh,
I need a cat immediately.

♪ ♪

- Good thieves know to keep
secrets only in places

where they can't be stolen.

Gotham thieves know
no such locality exists

within the city limits.

No strongbox, safe,
or vault is defense

against the grasping hands

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

[beep]

- You've reached Closers 50122.
This is Harvey Dent.

- Never mind who this is!

We're busy,
so whatever it is can wait!

Don't leave a message!
- [sighs]

To leave a message for Harvey,
please press 2.

[beep]

- Hey, boss, it's Bob.

If Bub calls in,
tell him change of plans.

The getaway car is white,
not black, okay?

Very important,
I'm driving a white car.

[beep]

- Hey, boss, it's Bub.

I don't know where Bob is,

but some mug keeps circling
the block in a white car.

I don't like it.

He's gonna eat lead
if I see him one more time--

Son of a--I'll call you back,
boss.

[g*n c*ck]
[beep]

- Harvey?
It's Bruce, Bruce Wayne.

I don't know
if you get these messages,

but I'm gonna keep
leaving them anyway.

Please let me help you, Harvey.

I know you're broken,
but you're not ruined.

I-I can't know what
you're going through,

but I know whatever it is,

I'll be there for you
on the other side of it.

[beep]

- End of messages.

♪ ♪

- Gotham, the night sky teems

with a melancholy
whip-poor-will.

Join us now for another tale

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

[music fades]

In his private aviary

high atop the fabulously
decadent Iceberg Casino,

that obscene overlord
of organized crime

known as the Penguin
is busy rehearsing

with his house entertainment.

- [quacking laughter]

- We are just days away

from the casino's
spectacular Ice Age Gala,

a swinging annual soiree
that doubles

as the Gotham underworld's
wildest night on the town.

And Oswald Cobblepot
does not settle

for less than perfection.

- From the top!

- ♪ Pour the whiskey,
pour the vino ♪

♪ The Iceberg's got
roulette and keno ♪

♪ It's a sizzling time
in a fro-o-o-zen casino ♪

[tap shoes tapping]
♪ Eeny meeny teeny ♪

♪ Tiny mini miny meeno ♪

♪ It's a hot night
at the old South Pole ♪

♪ So don't get left out
of the cold ♪

- [laughs]

That's just divine,
my chickadees, divine.

You'll thrill them at the gala,
a symphony in synchronicity.

I've long said
those four Cassowary girls

are the finest sister act
in Gotham.

Don't I say that, Mr. Decondor?

- With frequency,
Mr. Cobblepot, sir.

- With frequency, yes,
that's the word.

I say it all the time.

But please, ladies,
try to smile.

You look stricken.

I feel like morale is low ever
since Trixie got fired.

Should I not have fired
Sister Trixie

in front of the other girls,
Mr. Decondor?

- Well, most of them had never

seen a flamethrower before,
sir.

- [chuckles]
Good point, Francisco, old egg.

Would have been startling
most likely.

That'll be all, ladies.

Go relax and save it for
the big gala Saturday night.

What's next, Mr. Decondor?

- Mr. Finchley is here
to see you, sir.

- [squawks]
Get in here, Finchley!

Where have you been,
you gutless jellyfish?

Did you get it?
- Well, Oswald, it wasn't easy.

- Good, because I don't pay
for easy.

Easy is free, and I recall
writing you a check,

a very big check,
wasn't it, Finchley?

So I ask you again,
did you get it?

- Yes, Oswald, success.

- [laughs]
Success!

- If you sign here--
- Uh-huh.

- And here.
- Uh-huh.

- Congratulations, Oswald.

It costs a small fortune,

but you now own a perfectly
preserved woolly mammoth

flash-frozen in an ancient slab
of glacier ice

at the end
of the Pleistocene era.

- Now that's a pricey iceberg,

the perfect centerpiece
for my Ice Age Gala.

- At the very last moment,
I was able

to outbid the Gotham Museum
of Natural History.

They were furious,
I don't have to tell you.

- Oh, is the museum mad at me?

Quelle horreur!

Is that all for now then,
Finchley?

- Well, no,
I've got some--well,

very bad news, Oswald.

- Very bad news, is it?
Careful, Finchley.

- Well, Oswald,
please understand.

The museum had big plans
for a prize specimen.

She was going
to be the centerpiece

of the new Thomas
and Martha Wayne memorial

life science wing.

- Oh, boo-hoo!
The Wayne family will live.

Well, many of them don't,
but that's my point.

You can't swing a flamingo
in this town

without hitting a Wayne
memorial something or other.

[laughs]

You would think they were
the only two people

ever to be shot to death.

- Yes, well, nevertheless,
in retaliation,

the museum board has, um,
scuttled the plan

to use your generous donation

to build the Oswald Cobblepot
Hall of Birds.

[pop, birds cawing]
- Did what?

- I knew you'd be angry.
- Angry?

This is an outrage!

They already
cashed my donation.

I'll sue them into oblivion!

- Well, no, Oswald,
that's not advisable

because the director
of the museum has decided

they are building
an Oswald Cobblepot hall

with the funds
as they agreed to.

Only now it's the Oswald
Cobblepot Hall of Penguins.

[dark music]

- That sounds like ridicule,
Finchley.

- Oh, I don't think it--

- Ridicule, humiliation,

the obvious implication,
Finchley,

is that Oswald Cobblepot looks
like a penguin,

isn't it, Finchley?

Waddling,
[mocking gibberish] comical!

- Oswald, please be
the bigger man!

- What did you just--
- I didn't mean--

- I hate that nickname.
I famously hate that nickname.

That's a name used exclusively
by sass-mouth gutter trash!

You let them humiliate me
like this.

- Oswald, I know you're upset,
but--

- Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta,
you're mistaken, Finchley!

I'm just taking a little stroll
through my memory palace.

Your wife's name is Evelyn,
I recall.

And you have a son named Jason
who requires insulin

and a mother named Hester
who requires dialysis!

- Oswald, I don't like where
you're going with this.

- Who is your least favorite
of the three, would you say?

Most men rightly
say their mothers,

but some men
choose their wives.

- Oswald, please,
we went to school together.

- Enough Oswald!
Mr. Cobblepot.

- The sweat drenched
functionary sat stunned

and motionless like a pigeon

that has flown
into plate glass.

- What-what do you want me
to do, Mr. Cobblepot?

- The truth is,
nothing can be done,

so I want you to say
"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot."

- I am sorry!
- Oh, say it again.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot!

- Yes--no, see,
it just doesn't last.

I'm furious again already,
Finchley.

Your weak little tinkle
of remorse quelled my rage

for like maybe ten seconds.

You failed me.

What I want more than anything
right now

is to see Mr. Decondor stick
this umbrella down your throat

and open it slowly.

- Please not that, please!

- But I'll give you
a second chance.

- Oh, thank you!

Mr. Cobblepot,
anything you need, I'll--

- Oh, I need.

See this black
and white beauty?

Come here, precious.
[wings flutter]

This beautiful girl is
a pied myna bird.

I just acquired her

from an appreciative
business associate.

He just had a bracing sponge
bath in kerosene,

you understand.

So he appreciated me not
flicking lit matches at him.

- [whimpers]

- I'm thinking of naming her
either Lucretia

or Wilhelmina.

What do you think,
my feathered treasure?

[bird chirping]

She's the most gifted mimic
of all bird species.

And while she hasn't
learned any speech yet,

she's capable
of saying hundreds of phrases

in dozens of languages.

But now I only want her
to say one thing,

"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot."

Do you understand me?

- I think I--
- I don't think you do.

You're going to take this bird
home with you, Finchley,

and you are going to say,
"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"

to it over, and over, and over.

You will say,
"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"

until your throat splits,

and you gag on your own blood.

When you give me
that bird back,

I want it saying an
"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"

that would fool
your no doubt sainted mother.

[quacking laughter]

See, I want
this beautiful bird fluent

in your wretched contrition.

Then I will keep her
in a gold cage on my desk,

and every time I forget
I forgave you

and start to think
about how much I would enjoy

having satisfaction
in this matter,

I will hear that bird say,

"I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot,"

and like magic,

my forgiving nature
will be refreshed,

and you get to keep your vulgar
little family intact

for another day.

- Oh, thank you,
Os--Mr. Cobblepot.

Thank you.
You won't regret this.

Come now, beautiful bird.
Lucretia, will it be?

Oh, that's a lovely--
- I've decided on Wilhelmina.

Just know that you had better
not ever err again, Finchley.

I have a large collection
of umbrellas custom built

to suit very specialized needs.

- With haste, the terrified
toady makes his escape

as the Penguin's towering
secretary brings him

a fresh 1923 Chateau
Signac Sancerre.

- Thank you, Mr. Decondor!

- That was charitable of you,
Mr. Cobblepot,

giving Mr. Finchley
a second chance.

- Well, not really, Francisco,
old chap.

You see, that wasn't in truth
a pied myna bird at all.

Shh, it's a common pied crow!

[laughing]

No power of speech!
That bird can't mimic anything!

[laughs]

Finchley can talk himself
to death, and he might.

[laughs]

But that bird will never
talk back.

Diabolical!
What?

- Ah, indeed, very good, sir.

- Physical violence is
overrated.

I often find mental anguish to
be the more excruciating pain

to inflict,
don't you, Mr. Decondor?

- No, sir,
but I am a simple man, sir.

- That you are, Mr. Decondor.

Don't change.

Now then, let's move on
to our plans

for that Janus-faced
half-wit Harvey Dent.

Two-Face is quite obviously
losing the other half

of his mind, and we need
to position ourselves

to profit from that fallout.

I want you to place
a classified ad

that reads as follows...

♪ ♪

- Seagulls group together
to form a flock,

owls a parliament,
crows a m*rder,

but the penguin stands alone
feathering his nest

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

[radio static]

- ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪

♪ He is just a birthday-- ♪

[radio static]

- The Basil Karlo
horror classic

in a newly remastered--

[radio static]

[upbeat music]

- Are you visiting Gotham City?

Are you here to enjoy all

the world's largest city
has to offer? You are?

Well, you know Metropolis is
less than 100 miles away,

right?
But okay, if it's a done deal,

two Gothamites will tell you
the best way

to see all the glory of Gotham
is to take moonlight ride

on the double-decker
Gotham View Bus.

- ♪ Get on the bus,
Gotham View Bus ♪

♪ The bus to trust is
Gotham View Bus ♪

♪ ♪

- See all the sights
from air-conditioned luxury

behind anti-ballistic glass.

While in operation,
Gotham View Bus is airtight,

armor-plated,

and has a cutting-edge
fire suppression system.

In safety test, Gotham View Bus
could not be rolled over

by fewer than


And every Gotham View Bus
in the fleet is stocked

with enough water and rations
to sustain passengers

for three days in case
of a siege event.

- ♪ The bus you trust
to not go bust ♪

♪ Gotham View Bus ♪

- Our knowledgeable local
tour guides are brimming

with stories of local color.

This one guy who just started,
Barry,

his children were kidnapped
by the Mad Hatter--yes,

the Mad Hatter.

Ask him about it.

That guy needs
to be more social.

- ♪ Gotham View Bus,
the bus is a must ♪

- You'll tour
the Chemical District,

the Warehouse District,

the Abandoned
Warehouse District,

the Industrial District,

and the kids will love
the Factory District.

- I gots to get my factory on!

- Easy there, little shaver.

There's time to see it all
on a Gotham View Bus tour.

Gotham View Bus,
you won't find a better bus

that's not leaving town.

♪ ♪

[radio static]

[smooth music]

- Gotham, a city carved out
of darkness

and filigreed with gloom.

Join us now for a tale

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

In the chill depths
of the secret Batcave,

the caped crusader consults

with his miraculous
crime fighting creation,

that electronic eighth wonder
of the world,

the Batcomputer.

A dizzying display of news
and information flashes

before the trained eyes
of a master detective

at near subliminal speed.

- I have an important
tactical advantage

when dealing with a potential
Riddler crime wave, Alfred.

- You are very skilled

with the Sunday "Gazette's"
crossword puzzle, sir.

- No, I'm talking about time.

Despite
his staggering intellect,

Edward Nygma's elaborate
criminal riddles take time

to craft.

It's his obsessive
perfectionism.

- Oh, yes, I'm acquainted
with the type, sir.

- While Riddler schemes,

it's vital I stabilize
the situation with Harvey

before I have to fight
a w*r on--there, Alfred.

I knew I sensed a ripple
in the crime sphere.

Have a look at this.

- The newsletter of the Gotham
Ornithological Society, sir?

- Look at this announcement.

It says a Mr. Couples is
exhibiting a pair

of rare toucans
at his residence

at number 202 Doubleday Street
tomorrow.

This isn't what it seems.

- Are these unusually
nefarious toucans, sir?

- It's a setup, Alfred.

The exotic birds are
a calling card.

This is a brazen attempt by
the Penguin to bait Two-Face,

a pair of toucans
on Doubleday Street.

- I see, Mr. Dent
and his tragic fascination

for duality will certainly
find that provocative.

- Needless to say,
there's no one named Couples

on the membership roll
of the Ornithological Society.

Two-Face will probably know
he's being played,

but his obsession with
the number two will compel him

to investigate.

This makes no sense.

Harvey is the 800-pound gorilla

that keeps the small timers
below the line.

If he goes down, Penguin loses,
at least in the short term.

Why's Penguin inflaming
Harvey's breakdown?

- If I may, sir, does a man
like Oswald Cobblepot

need a reason
to torment the mentally ill?

- Hm, angle satellite beta
on 202 Doubleday Street,

maximum zoom.

[beeping]

Yes, thermal and ultraviolet.

What am I looking at here?

[beeping]
Really?

That's a lot of wattage
for a private residence.

- It's a mystery to me
how you understand

that purported modern
convenience.

- Oh, I know you understand
the Batcomputer perfectly well,

Alfred.

You just don't like what
it thinks of you.

- I'm sorry,
what it thinks of me?

[beeping]

- We've got motion
on the scene.

No time to lose.

Alfred, do we still have
that Kandinsky painting?

- Pardon me, sir,
Wassily Kandinsky?

You have nine Kandinsky
paintings, sir.

- I mean, "Exotic Birds," 1915.

Announce Bruce Wayne is putting
it up for charity auction.

- Ah, that will
provoke Mr. Cobblepot.

- Exactly.

- The dark knight flies
to the fabulous Batmobile

and makes ready to leave.

- Penguin has always wanted
that painting.

Makes an offer to Bruce Wayne
twice a year.

He'll try to bribe you
for an exclusive bid.

Don't return his phone call.

His rage will distract him

while I surveil
the Doubleday Street location.

- Mm. Mm, yes.

- You're pouting.
You don't like the plan.

- That Kandinsky really
cheers the atmosphere

in the conservatory.

- I'll buy you a Chagall.

[tires squeal]

- As the atomic age automobile
races away,

the disappointed
domestic sighs.

- Ugh, Chagall.

It is not the same,
and he knows it.

♪ ♪

- In Gotham, there is no honor
amongst thieves.

The city's criminals are beset
by law and outlaw alike.

Why then does evil
so often prevail?

Essential mystery of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Gotham City One ♪

- This town, am I right, folks?

If it's not bats, it's cats.
If it's not cats, it's clowns.

How do you keep your sanity?
Most don't.

But the ones who do
watch Gotham City One,

all the news, weather,
and traffic you need,

plus me, Jack Ryder.

Coming up tonight
on "Gotham is Talking,"

we've got a co-city woman
who claims to be the mother

of the Boy Wonder.

- That's right, Robin is
actually my little boy Varney,

what, got kidnapped
by the Batman,

who is a spaceman
named Zurinar.

Hey, so are these cookies free?

- Plus, juvenile Joker fans,

funny fad
or dangerous teen trend?

[laughter]
- Get the gag, Dad.

Joker knows the punchline,
and it's a scream.

- [laughing]

- Then learn to fight
like the Batman

with octogenarian self-defense
expert, Lloyd Davenport.

- Hiya!
[crash]

- All this, plus traffic

from transit reporter
Myron Armbrust.

Stirring cooking tips
with the Gotham Gourmet,

who, let's face it,
is gonna get bumped again

tonight for breaking coverage

of the impending
Riddler attack.

Sorry in advance, Maurice!

"Gotham is Talking"
on Gotham City One.

If it matters to GC,
it's on our TV...show.

You guys were right,
that's clunky.

- ♪ Gotham City One ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- "Life and Death
in Gotham City" epilogue.

[typewriter clacking]

The office
of Dr. Jeremiah Arkham,

director of Arkham Asylum
for the criminally insane.

As the good doctor
will tell you,

the escape
of a psychopathic mastermind

from his facility
reliably brings three things:

A citywide feeling of dread,

the umpteenth review
of asylum security protocols,

and an absolutely intolerable
amount of paperwork.

[knocking]

- You wanted to see me,
Dr. Arkham?

- Ah, Dr. Snedeker, yes,
please come in.

But don't sit down.
You're fired.

- What, fired?

I've been working at the Asylum
less than a month.

- And yet, that was more
than enough time

for you to facilitate
the Riddler's escape.

Nice work.
Now, go clean out your desk.

- But that's outrageous.

I was showing great progress
with Mr. Nygma,

and I had nothing to do
with his escape.

I thought he escaped
with the aid

of some kind
of robot bulldozer.

- Smashed right through
his cell wall

and drove him away, yes,
classic Eddie Nygma.

See, he's what happens

when God gives a homicidal
south Gotham hooligan

an IQ of 300.

I warned you he was showing
pronounced agitation lately.

You were well aware
that he had to be sedated

and moved to a new cell
away

from those ridiculous new
Bat-Signal tests in the sky.

And now he's escaped
because you broke protocol.

- Broke protocol?

Is this about--he wanted
to play chess.

I saw therapeutic value

in letting his mind work
on benign problems.

That's within my purview,
so I gave him an old computer.

- You should've just
unlocked the cell door

and escorted him
off the grounds.

It would have saved us
the repair cost.

- The so-called computer I gave
him was a glorified calculator,

a toy.
- Ooh, a toy.

- My young son plays with it.

It's harmless, no email,
no internet.

There's nothing on it
but a chess program.

What does it have to do with--
- Allow me to enlighten you.

We've pieced it together.

The first thing Nygma did
with your son's toy

was beat the chess program.

Then he accessed the code,

rewrote and vastly improved
the chess program.

Then he sold his improvements

to a Russian software
conglomerate for $2.2 million.

This took about 40 minutes.
- But sold? How?

- Oh, this is where
it gets good.

Nygma pulled the motherboard
out of your son's toy computer,

and he hardwired it to
the light socket in his cell.

He used that arrangement
to access the Wi-Fi router

in your office, Dr. Snedeker.

- But he--
- Yes.

The world's most
brilliant delinquent

somehow deduced your password
was "password"!

Then he had the full run
of the internet.

He set up a Cayman Island
bank account

and made the deal
with the Russians.

Next, he rented
an abandoned factory

not far from the asylum gates.

- Oh, no.

- He purchased all
the individual

mechanical components
for his jailbreaking bulldozer

and had them rush delivered
to the factory floor where,

at Riddler's direction,

a pair of robot assembly arms
proceeded to unpack

and assemble the parts into
a self-driving battering ram

of his own design.

Then it was just a matter
of waiting for his ride

to smash through his cell wall
and pick him up.

- But he--he said he just
wanted to play chess.

- You're going to want
to leave now, Dr. Snedeker.

It's gridlock out there.

One of those police
surveillance blimps

was stolen this afternoon.

No word on who the thief was,
but he left a note.

It said, "Question:
What's the difference

"between an unmanned aircraft
and a big batch

of viral encephalitis?"
- [stammering]

- "Answer: One kills millions
when it's airborne."

You haven't heard that one?

I'm surprised.
It's a classic.

That will be all, Dr. Snedeker.

- The psychiatrist, ashen,
turns to leave.

He pauses suddenly at the door.

- Something else, Dr. Snedeker?

- Trust, the answer is trust.

- I'm sorry?

- The last thing
Mr. Nygma said to me,

it was a riddle.

- No kidding.
- I just got it.

He said--
- I'm forged without a smith.

I break without a blow.

When I'm revealed
to be a myth,

you'll be the last to know.

What am I?

[laughs]

- Forged without a smith?
What?

- Trust, the answer is trust.

♪ ♪

- The Riddler is an enigma,

possibly the world's
most brilliant man.

But does his brilliance shine
more brightly

for the darkness
that underlies it?

Such paradoxes are
regularly seen

amidst "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

To be continued.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]